I have to say I love your advice and I would appreciate you opinion on my relationship. It's a long story but I will try to keep to the key points.
We go together last May and thingh progressed slowly and surely, I was very comfortable apart from the odd outburst she had that I didn't call her enough (she would wait till she got annoyed rather than call me to tell me she missed me). Fast forward to October and she is talking about marriage and rings, which dragged me forward in the relationship, maybe a little too fast, but I loved her so all was good. November our first big fight, I got a little drunk and called her, she went mad with me as she had been in an abusive relationship and was frightened I would do the same, which I never would.
Things have never been quite the same since... She got stressed shortly after with buying a house and her work got really busy, which it will be till May.
The new year brought new challenges and I withheld the fact my grandparents were sick as her Dad was also sick and I did not want to upset her, she found out and was devistated that I could not open up with her, which I have been doing slowly as we developed, I guess just not fast enough for her.
The relationship ended at the end of Feb after she got annoyed with me for sharing a hotel room with my friend and his sister, a completley innocent sharing of the room I hasten to add. She said I was not ready to be a boyfriend.
I told her I would not lie to her and after the conversation, I realised I had in the very beginning of the relationship. So I confessed. I told her that I had not been intimate with one of my female friends when I had, this was 6 months before I met my girlfriend and totally over, but my girlfriend had sensed I had when she saw me with my friend. I did not tell my girlfriend when she asked because I was not ready to open up about that, but as the relationship moved forward I realised I had no choice.
So my question is, we have been been on a break / broken up for 4 weeks I have respected her wished and given her space to find herself and I have had one text where she "really hoped I was diong well".
I just don't quite know what to do, at the moment I miss her a lot and just want her to make the right decision for herself, but I find myself wanting to call her.
Do you have any advice?
Wow. There was certainly a lot going on.
My advice would be more accurate if I knew your ages. I feel like you are either around 23 and have just gone through your frontal lobe development, or you are around 29 and have just gone through your Saturn Return.
Looking at your relationship from the outside, I can see both sides. You lied early on about something significant, and that goes to trust. She always felt something was wrong and her suspicion problem played a part in her behavior. Additionally, you lied about your grandparents and she is again reinforced with this information, that you can't be trusted.
From your side, you felt that you would have to lie to her and rationalize that as that it was for her own good. You lied about your relations with your female friend because you didn't want her to be needlessly upset. You withheld important family information about your sick relatives because you felt it was too much for her to handle.
The truth is, you lied because it was easier. You didn't want to deal with her being upset and pulled apart.
Buying a house and stress at work are significant, and it's good that you acknowledge she's in a place in life that has her a little frayed. Additionally having to deal with feelings of sadness and frustration over ill family members, I'm sure she was more than a little tattered.
Women do tend to hold back things that we think will nag or annoy, until we just can't take it anymore, like her explosive outburst about your lack of calling. She wanted you to figure out to call more on your own. When you didn't, and it built up, she blew. The other factors play into this though: she already felt like something wasn't right, and she was right.
The drunk call thing I don't know... Did she see a sign that is a red flag to her, or did she insert all the other misplaced emotions she was having into that one moment. I'll leave that one to the side for you to think about.
The reason I think you've just had one of those major threshold crossings in your life, is that you've obviously grown up and changed a lot over the course of this relationship. The fact that you came clean and told her about the girl that's a friend, is very significant. And I give you a lot of credit for that.
Honesty is an unbelievably important aspect of a mature and healthy relationship. Of course there is never a reason to hurt someone's feelings if you can avoid it, but pretty much all the bases you were covering are clearly significant to the heart of trust. You don't get to decide what she can handle and what she can't. You don't get to decide not to tell her something because you don't want to have to deal with her emotions and her fall-out. I think you figured this out for the most part. You even validated her instincts on your early-on lie.
The good news is, if you want her, you can have her. The text she sent is evidence of that. Her level of upset is also indicative of how much she really dug you.
The thing you have to do now, is be sure. This girl has been through enough. If you really do miss her and want her and feel you can handle a good committed relationship, make a grand gesture like a dozen red roses sent to her work place and a card that says "Please let me take you to dinner to talk. I'm sorry. I miss you. I love you."
But if you aren't sure, David, please just let it go. She's trying to heal, and any contact from you interrupts the healing process, like pulling a blister off the burn. It can't help. The only way you should reinsert yourself is if you don't want her to heal because you don't want her to get over you, because you want her back.
If you do decide you really want a committed relationship with her, and you take her to dinner to talk, you need to leap right in with promising her that you will be honest from now on. Tell her how much you've learned, how much she's taught you. Encourage her to really open up to you, too. Communicate clearly, and promise to keep doing so. Really, everything that went wrong, comes down to a communication problem. If you want to, you can fix that.
Please keep us posted. Namaste.
Do you have a relationship question? Email me through the link in my profile. Thanks!
RSBrauer on January 20, 2011:
I once heard the quote, "communication is a skill the must continually be improved, especially in relationships." I think this applies to your situation!
Ellaaa on November 21, 2010:
I know if from the beginning relations not working well it will never works in the future. Just waiste of time/////
David on May 04, 2010:
And so there is an end to the story...
I had been slowly increasing the communication with my ex, and I could tell she was not comfortable with it, her answers were short and non encouraging. I think I really knew in my heart, that if it was to work she would have to initiate it, but I am very glad to have followed your advice and acted like me, not holding back anything.
I really have learned a lot from this relationship and the time we took to break up, it has been a strangly calm experience and we both actually said that to each other tonight, it really was a bizarr and peaceful experience, I think for me because I trust her and I don't feel she is holding anything back from me. I really have not much of an idea of where we went wrong, except that I don't think either of us were completely true to ourself the entire time, which is clearly not the way to build a relationship. I thought the time apart might help us get back together, and although it certainly helped us she feels no different to when we broke up, she tells me she wants to just concentrate on her work and friends and does not want me to diasppear from her life completely. Im not sure how that is going to work yet, but I don't intend to think too much about it, it will work out how it works out...
Thank you again Veronica.
David on April 30, 2010:
Yesterday I made a gesture, I sent her a gift to work, not to declare my love, just to let her know I am still here for her and today, although I feel good I am left still feeling like I don't know what to do. She sent me a thank you text, and although it did not fall flat, it certainly was not the usual response. I know I have not done much after giving her space, but I feel like I am the only one making the effort, like it is nice for her to have me here but... I don't know, I guess I'm just not sure how to walk the fine line between being needy and building the attraction again.
Veronica (author) from NY on April 28, 2010:
It's time for a gesture on your part. A rose sent to her work, a sweet card mailed to her home...
David on April 28, 2010:
So, today was a difficult day. I decided I needed to do something, so I followed your advice and texted her...
The reaction. Well, very similar to when I didn't call her enough. She was annoyed with me for not communicating with her for 2 weeks, I guess you are right and that text was her way of telling me it was time for us to start speaking again. I followed up with a phone call later and had a nice chat with her, I have faith in your advice Veronica, but I am still a little shocked at her response, and feeling a little guarded about getting excited, but I guess she will be feeling the same, so I just need to take it slowly and see if our relationship starts to develop.
It seems we still have an alignment problem with our communication, with her getting annoyed at me for not contacting her but I hope with time we learn to understand each other better and grow together.
I guess that's all I have to say at the moment...
Thank you so much for your advice.
Veronica (author) from NY on April 26, 2010:
You're very welcome David. It's my pleasure to try to help and I'm glad it's been useful.
The ages are important, and significant. You've already had your frontal lobe development, you've already crossed your Saturn Return, and exactly as you said, you re-grounded and re-turned.
Growing up, re-grounding, returning to a better you, informed and focused - I understand where you're coming from.
As far as the reconciling, you have a fine line here and you have to figure out how to walk it. While I applaud your wanting to respect her need for distance and time, I also must remind you that she's a woman. As indicated in her text, and her asking if you've begun dating someone new, she wants you to pursue her. All women want to feel that, that the man they love is actively courting them. You can do so without forcing her to rush or make any decisions.
Send the gift. Include a card explaining it's an early one year anniversary gift, hopefully the first of many. Sign it, "Patiently Waiting."
Gently continue to show her you're courting her. Send a text that just says, "Thank you for all you've taught me," Send roses with a card that says, "You don't need to call, you don't need to rush, just please know that I'm here whenever you want me."
Don't overdue, just gently remind her, you're there and you're waiting.
David on April 26, 2010:
Thank you so much for posting my question, and I like the Led Zep video ;)
To answer you on the ages, I am 34 and she is 30, I hope that helps out.
It is interesting that you say I have grown up a lot over the course of the relationship, from the outside it does look like this but inside I feel it was more of coming back to my true self, I moved from England to California 3 years ago and in the process of starting my life again I changed into someone that was not my core person, I was trying to fit into this very different place. My ex girlfriend actually gave me the faith and confidence to find myself again, my first relationship in California was far from perfect, and I am ashamed to say that I was untrue to myself due to the last realtionship, I now know that mistake and will never make it again. I actually find it really frustrating that I finally feel myself and have totally opened up to my ex and she no longer trusts me...
I now, more than ever know exactly what I want in life now and it is my ex girlfriend, I have never knowen anyone like her, I love her, her values and everything about her, I have always completely trusted her and had a strange faith in her. I cant wait to settle down with her and have a family
I agree 100% with your evaluation of the situation, but I feel I need to let you know more for you to give more accurate advice, so here goes.
I am hesitant to make the move to reconcile the relationship as she is a very emotionally astute women and I feel she needs to make the decision to reinstate the relationship, and I totally turst her to make that decision, please correct me if I am wrong. About 2 weeks after... Actually, I am going to start with the break up conversation, sorry more detail
I saw my ex 2 times in the 3 weeks after I confessed things and we were friendly but a little awkward, but she would only make a little time (half a day) when she was not busy. This was the point I asked to see her for longer and she told me, "I cant give you what you want", "I only see you as a friend", "I need to find myself again", after this we have had limited contact. Two weeks in I called ready to tell her what I had realised about the realtionship, she told me "she was not ready to forgive me" and she was worried I had started dating, I reassured her I had not and I was here for her whatever happaned between us with no pressure. Two weeks later was the text.
To finish, you are right she has taught me so much, and when we were together I felt I could do anything, I really want the opportunity to tell her all this but I have it in my head that she needs to allow me in first, she was not ready when she was not ready to forgive me last time I tried 3 weeks ago and it is now a week since the text. By the way, it is a year since we met at the end of next month, I have a gift for her which I bought 3 months ago, which I do not know what to do with, don't know if that is significant.
Thank you so much for taking time to respond to me, it means a lot.
thevoice from carthage ill on April 26, 2010:
amazingly great hub fine detail well said wrote thanks