Robert is a staff writer at Relationship Steps and writes about dating, relationships and personal development.
You have the power, crack the whip!
You have been granted the power over men, it's just that no one has told you yet!
Let's start off with the obvious, so we don't have to come back to it.
Guys want three things from women to make them happy: sex, more sex and being a woman's hero, in that order.
Women want companionship, comfort and love, in any order that is most important to them.
How these two lists of what men and women want is the starting point of every relationship.
Now then, when you, the woman, want to start a relationship you usually get a lot of advice from your girlfriends about how to proceed to capture the guy's attention and interest. Unless, of course, he has approached you first.
Now, regardless of that "first contact" incident, a relationship starts to form. And the rules of the relationship are starting to be formed. Nothing definite, but remember that this is the very early stage of the relationship. Maybe there hasn't even been an "official" date yet, just some "hanging around" together.
This is when the guy is at his least powerful and most easily intimidated state.
This is also when you need to exert yourself to gain control over the relationship, if there is any chance of a relationship, that is.
"A woman that can choose has power over men."
I want you to think back to any relationship you've had with a guy, or if you even have not yet dated think back to a time when you really liked a guy and how you behaved at that time.
Generally, women hold back and wait for the guy to make the first moves. Being an aggressive women, it is said, scares men off. That's a big lie and will be examined later in this article.
So, here you are, liking a guy, and your friends get involved, offering their advice, using their keen senses of "love detection" to help you make the first reactionary steps to the guy's first stumbling moves.
The guy, his part is quite awful here, sends out probes from friends. He asks you to "hang out" so that there isn't an "official" date, so that he doesn't have to fear rejection. If there isn't a date he can't get dumped from it, he is free to "hang out" with you or move away from you and hang out with his friends.
"Hanging out" is bad… very bad.
Although this is often how the very first awkward steps of dating start, you need to get a guy committed to actually dating you, and not hanging out, as soon as possible.
And this is how you do that:
Stop texting him, IMing him, passing messages through friends, all those things that are one and two-dimensional. These actions are very bad because they don't force a guy to open himself up to being "officially" with you, these things force you to interpret the things the guy does because you never get the "whole picture" of his communications with you.
When a guy texts you, always, and I mean ALWAYS, text him back and say, "you have my number, call me".
You need to have him follow your direction. You must have him need you enough, and open himself up to rejection by you (a major fear for guys, this rejection business) that he will follow your direction, that he will open himself up to his greatest fears, the denial of your company and all that might include.
A woman that can choose, that can crack the whip of decision, will always have the control over the relationship that is so important.
Do you really want to be cowed by the indecisiveness of a guy. Of his "Let's just hang out" suggestions rather than having a definite plan of what to do together?
Crack the whip and tell him what you want to do.
Crack the whip and have him call you, instead of letting him off easy by having long texting conversations.
Crack the whip and always have an alternative plan that does not include him if he cannot have a good idea of something to do together, that does not include your whole group of friends.
"Hanging out" is not a date and you want to force him into a place and event that is a date as soon as possible. Some may say that this is moving to fast, that your aggressiveness will scare him away, but to that I say if a man cannot handle a woman that has a decisive mind, then he deserves someone else, maybe a puppy or an iguana.
When a woman has a strong personality men will always follow them, like the good little puppies they usually are (except for the freaks and geeks that prefer anything else to the company of a woman) and they will then have a decision to make;
Follow the commands of a woman and have fun with her, or;
Be alone, again.
When the two of you are together, do this:
Reach for his hand as you walk together. Hold his hand. he will be a little startled by this "forward" move of yours, so say to him "It's OK to hold my hand, this is a date, you know."
This small move takes being together to a whole new level, and if the guy is unprepared to actually "date you" when you are together then it's good to know that he is frightened of girls, and that you will hold the whip over him.
Also, never let a guy back down from what you decide.
Should he reply to you "This isn't a date, we're just hanging around" say to him "I have friends I can hang around with. If you just want to be friends and hang around, fine, I have to go" and leave him where he is.
Exert your power. Crack the whip. And when you do, stick with your decision.
Never back down from putting a guy in his place. If you want to date him, make it plainly understood, in words that cannot be interpreted in any other way, that dating is your intention. And if he backs away, then it's better to know this early than waste a lot of time with him so he can attempt to push you into a "friends with benefits" type relationship where he does not have to agree to any formal commitment to you and come and go as he pleases. Never let this happen.
"Friends with benefits" is a farce that has been pushed onto women and invariably they get hurt by a guy that wants sex and you are torn by your own feelings of him that make you hope beyond hope that giving him sex will eventually lead him to form a real, committed relationship with you.
This never happens.
Never base a relationship on sex, on "giving into a guy" in the (misguided) hope that he will love you more than he already does (or doesn't). If you open yourself up to be used, to follow the guy into a relationship rather than leading him, you will get hurt.
You need to be the one cracking the whip, always remember that.
You have the sole power to choose what you do, and where you do it and especially who you do it with.
So always have a plan, even in the very early stages of what "might be" a relationship. If he does not have an idea of what to do, you need to have an alternative plan of what to do that does not include him!
Never let a guy back you into the corner of doing nothing but "hanging out" together!
Crack that whip and the next time he wants to be with you he will have a good suggestion of something to do. And if it does not agree with you, tell him what you want to do instead. Do not ask him (very important here), tell him what the both of you will be doing, or exclude him entirely.
You have the power to choose, use that power.
Never give that power up, or you'll be second-rating yourself into an unhappy dating experience where you are forced to follow his lead, his indecisiveness, him being sneaky for sex, not putting you first and keeping you in a place where he can always explain away your possible rejection of him.
Rejection by a woman is a guy's biggest fear. Know this. Understand this. Use this.
Crack that whip and have a great relationship, for ever.
Read more empowering articles:
Kathleen D. on March 08, 2016:
This was a good read. I'm not afraid to take the lead like holding a guys hand, even if we have never been on a date. Touching is always a good way to show interest. I work as a bartender and esthetician so I come in contact with people. My true test of how much a guy is into me is if he will wear a bra for me under his guy clothes. I live in the conservative Davenport,Ia. area so this can be a challenge. It's always fun to get a guy to wear panties, padded bra, pantyhose, etc. under his guy clothes. Once a girl can get a guy to do this then he is easy to lead. He is also more likely to e faithful. I have convinced guys to do this for me and later take me on expensive trips. No guy wants their buddies to know they wear panties for their girlfriend. Guys are easy to convince once they have the girls lead. Sex can be used as a great incentive too.
Amber on January 09, 2015:
Cheers pal. I do apartcipee the writing.
Lucie on December 23, 2014:
Next time you wash your hair, Shampoo everything above your arptmis.That includes your whole Head, Face Neck, Shoulders and as much of your back as possible..Buy some Selsun Shampoo' for Dandruff. . This is EXCELLENT for all types of skin ailments.and will clear your Acne in about a week. Many of the other treatments are rather mild for serious Acne, so keep them for future use after your face is better. Selsun shampoo, cleans DEEP into the skin pores and is a powerful anti-bacterial, anti-fungal cleanser. Take care to rinse your face thoroughly after shampooing to remove all traces of Selsun'(Take a long shower ) because It has a slight drying effect, so alternate with a good quality Lanolin based soap to restore the natural body oils removed by the shampoo
Robert Lee (author) from Canada on January 12, 2012:
anonymous on January 11, 2012:
Never take dating advice for woman from a man
Robert Lee (author) from Canada on November 24, 2010:
Hi James, your wife must love you very much, one can only assume how whipped you are in real life...LOL...
James on November 24, 2010:
The article is bullshit - Never ever give up your power to a woman. Control in the relationship is exactly like war. I have been married for 10 happy years because I never gave up my power to her. Once you give it up, imagine your future, "You better put that one on instead ! No, Go back and put it on!" Fuk that.
You are already censored by the laws in society. Are you going to give up your choices to the opposite sex too?
Stand up, fight for your freedom as a thinker and a doer (a hunter gatherer even)
But do not lose your power to a woman. Just tell her "I'll think about it."
Meet her halfway. 50/50 never beyond that!
Now go fourth young Skywalker and atone your father. ^ . . ^
Robert Lee (author) from Canada on November 09, 2010:
Did you really read my article or just the BOLD face?
Women tend to believe that they have power over men, and they are right, but for all the wrong reasons. I simply am spelling out the truths of starting a relationship without worrying about the wrong things. I hope this explains things,
granite on November 09, 2010:
Wow. I don't know if you are serious or joking. How can romantic relationship be based on the sort of selfishness you are suggesting? What you are suggesting is beyond cynical.
Robert Lee (author) from Canada on July 20, 2010:
Hehe... I know I'm smart, just not 'Bill Gates' smart... yet...
But I do know a lot of women that have been helped by this same advice in their beginning stages of "liking a guy" but not quite "dating".
Ladies, crack that whip!
cblack from a beach somewhere on July 20, 2010:
"Guys want three things from women to make them happy: sex, more sex and being a woman's hero, in that order.
Women want companionship, comfort and love, in any order that is most important to them."
This is the smartest thing I have ever heard. You have figured out the secret to a lasting relationship. Women keep your ass in the air and treat him like your hero. Men provide companionship, comfort, and love.
The simplest things but so often forgotton.
Robert Lee (author) from Canada on June 04, 2010:
I love writing so well that everyone agrees and don't need to post a comment.
Thanks to all my FANS!!!
Robert Lee (author) from Canada on April 24, 2010:
My article's focus is to allow a woman to gain self-confidence and not be the one controlled. Following my advice will allow a woman to exert her personality and avoid nasty conflicts and confrontations because the guy learns the rules of the relationship very quickly, or he's dumped.
Doire Deirdre on March 20, 2010:
and good advice !
John on January 29, 2010:
Well, very interesting But a recipe for divorce. What is written is a form of domination and the man is considered a sub. As an attitude is to be considered as a narcistic trade. Equality, loyalty and respect are the glue of a relationship.
What the author describes is the way my ex acted, a divorce proceding running for years is the result.
I do think that the author should read the book The Partnerrelation by Jurg Willi, chief of the Zurich Academic Hospital Psychiatry ward.
There are exeptions of course where the lifestyle as written by the author can be accepted and that is when both partners agree to the lifestuyle of Dom/sub. That lifestyle has one advantage above the more equal partners approach, being that the rules are clear, but what everyone forgets is the the one acting out the role of sub is the ultimate dom as is the one who can set the limits for the dom. So if a woman tries to alter a man in his behaviour she has to expect that the man will not obey in the long run and maybe will start loking around to find a woman who will respect and cuddle him and in the end wil dominate him also by catering his needs in such a fashion that he does not realise he is being dominated. An example thereof is the secretary who marries her boss.
A last remark, women dominated the men in the middle ages already. We are now all active with emancipation, but if that means female domination, aren't we returning to the middle ages again???
Men aren't dolls which a woman can toss in the corner when they are done.
Ron on January 17, 2010:
Why play games? Why not just be? Girls.. u will never form a healthy relationship this way.. you might "get your way".. but that's not what being in a healthy committed relationship is about.
Disturbia on November 08, 2009:
I think the greatest power a woman can have is financial. You can play all the games you want with a guy when you know that no matter what, you don't need him to survive and you can always walk away. I love your hub. ;)
Robert Lee (author) from Canada on October 06, 2009:
You just have to know which game and what the real rules are. Good for you.
DeltaSec from Sydney on October 06, 2009:
The above is all good, but when the guy succumbs to a girls demands then the girl gets bored of him. Personally, I like to play the game too and dont give in to a woman sexually that makes it fun. But if the woman wants to become too bossy all she gets from me is "lets just be friends" :)