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The Truth About Affairs the Real Reason Why They Cheat!

Ssssshhh! She's got a Secret!

Love Marriage Infidelity

Love Marriage Infidelity

So much advice on the Internet. Why he cheats, why she has a one night stand and can they ever get over it? There are too many so called experts out there who decide that in their wisdom they are trying to help you.

Marriage guidance? Yes that's a great idea, sit down and chat for an hour with a complete stranger, after a few sessions you can work it out, and go onto have a wonderful marriage. What a crock!

I have even seen articles that state, 'My marriage is so much better now he has had an affair'!

Are you sure? Who is kidding who? Are you telling me that you can look at your husband, or wife, and categorically say that yes all is forgiven?

You want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but?

Read on!

Let's Get One Thing Out of the Way First Shall We?

Women have affairs for different reasons to men!

Now let's debunk this stupid idea for a start. Who came up with that idea? A man? Yes, I thought so.

And I can tell you why. Men want to believe that their women could not possibly have an affair purely for the physical side of the relationship.

According to guys women have to be loved, cherished and totally number one in their eyes and if that falls flat then the woman will turn to comfort from someone else.

Why do they believe this? It's because men think they are the physical embodiment of sexual Adonis Syndrome. Only they can love unconditionally and still cheat. They believe that they can separate the two feelings and keep them apart.

Love the wife. Have an affair. Simple as that.

Well let me tell you, that's not purely a man's domain.

Let's break that myth now. Throw it down the pan. Yes. Women can feel the same way too!

Sorry to burst your bubble guys!

Why did you think any different? Pride? Oh dear!

An innocent night out? Maybe.

Scroll to Continue

Okay There Are Many Reasons For Affairs But..

At the end of the day whatever the reason, they have still cheated. To be fair, if someone is in a relationship that is slowly unraveling then an affair can be a cry for help. But this counts for the guys as well as the girls.

If your partner doesn't get near you, goes out all the time with their friends and treats you badly of course you will want to find comfort somewhere else. That much is obvious. We would all do it wouldn't we? If we had the chance and the confidence we would be out that door trying to find someone who would tell us we are still attractive, make us feel like a real woman. Or man.

But this isn't about those circumstances. We are talking about a strong marriage, a happy family life with two kids, a dog, and a cat that always curls up on your lap in the evening while the TV is on and the dinner is cooking.

Giacomo Casanova The Most Famous of Flirts!


So Why Cheat If You Have All That?

Because its in us. Because the guy you married has always had a wandering eye for the ladies. The woman you love so much has always been a flirt.

But we disguise it. And most of the time we fool ourselves. We get married because we do fall in love. And yes this love can last for many years without us wanting to dip our toe in another man's pond so to speak.

I call it the 'One foot out the door' Syndrome.

The fact of the matter is whether you are a girl or a guy, if you are a the sort of person who gets twitchy feet, finds other people attractive and really can't help yourself then one day it will happen.

You will have an affair. Or maybe more than one. Fact.

Hollywood Cheats!

Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. The two most famous Hollywood Lovers who just couldn't stay faithful!

Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. The two most famous Hollywood Lovers who just couldn't stay faithful!

Excuses Excuses Excuses!

You will of course always find an excuse. It makes you feel better. You feel totally entitled to have an affair purely because your wife/husband has argued with you, shown you up in front of your friends, kept you out the marriage bed for a few nights and so on.

There will always be a reason. Real or not. You have been waiting for it, tell the truth now.

If you have read this far you are probably feeling either indignant or totally depressed by now.

But be honest. didn't you know? Really? The person who you married was an innocent before you got together? Honestly? No, didn't think so.

You met them because they were vibrant and fun, the life and soul of the party. They made you laugh, they made you feel so special that you were the only one in the room, heck, the whole planet!

So how did they learn to do that if they hadn't had practice? Think about it.

Be Honest, Do You Really Feel Guilty?!

Guilty or Pleasure?

Guilty or Pleasure?

So, Now We Get to the Crunch!

You have found out that he/she has cheated. What do you do?

Well this is when the so called experts jump into action. They tell you to see a councilor. They make you sit there for hours talking to a complete stranger.

The advice comes thick and fast.

Why did he do it? Does he feel guilty? And so on.

Of course he/she feels guilty! They told you that didn't they?

How does it go?

I am so sorry, I don't know what happened. I was feeling down, they made me feel special again. Do you know how many years its been since I felt attractive? They got me at a weak point in my life, I swear, totally, that it will never ever happen again. I am gutted, I love you so much, nothing in the world matters to me more than you.

And then?

Please forgive me!

Look I Said I Was Sorry! Jeez! What More Do You Want?

Sorry doesn't always make it right! Cheaters.

Sorry doesn't always make it right! Cheaters.

Now Let's Translate That Shall We?

They will sit looking downright sheepish, staring at the floor, fiddling with their hands and totally downcast.

Whether at home or at the councilors they will show so much remorse that it tugs at your heart and makes you, yes you, feel guilty! Why are you putting them through this? Surely we can fix it on our own?

Poor guy/girl.

But what's going on in their heads?

'What the hell am I doing here? How did this happen? I have said I am sorry, what more does he/she want for goodness sake? Yes I cheated, yes I asked for forgiveness, get over it will ya?

Do I feel guilty? Yes of course, guilty because I was stupid enough to get caught! Why the hell didn't I see that coming?

If I have to bow and scrape to them one more minute I am going to go mad! I can't keep this face up much longer. I just want a drink, go out with my mates and relax.

Oh for goodness sake, who is this silly cow of a councilor? What the hell is she going on about? what does she know? Has she cheated? Has her husband? No, I bet not! Or maybe he has but she doesn't know, ha, now that would be funny! Keep my head down, this will go away, she/he will forgive me, just get on with it!

I want to get to the club and see that lovely guy/girl that's just started there. But this time I will be careful!'

Now do you get it? Now do you understand?

There is no guilt. There is only stupidity for getting caught.

Now its up to you.

Keep them or leave? Do you want to go through the same thing again? No? thought not.

Public Domain.

Public Domain.

100% Cheat Catcher!

Want To Know If They Are Telling You The Truth?

There are a few secret ways to tell if your partner is really telling the truth. Whether its because they have had an affair and feel guilty, or even if you suspect they are cheating.

  • Cuddle them. Put your ear to their chest then ask them that question. If you are clever you will be able to tell if their heart beats really fast. It's a dead give away!

  • Wait till they are nearly asleep. Then get up and look in their jacket pockets/trousers. Make sure they are still awake. If they jump up in bed and demand, 'What the hell are you doing?' You know they are up to something. Being half asleep will lower their defences! Of course if they just mumble 'Come to bed' Then you should be fine!

  • Don't be scared to call in at their work. Make out you are in town and want to meet them for lunch. This will do one of two things. Make them jumpy because they were going to meet the other man/woman or scared that their friends will say something to make you suspicious.

  • Follow them. Simple as that!

Sometimes Its Best To Just Walk Away.


Does The Truth Hurt?

Yes it does. Sorry about that. The fact is, the guy or girl who has cheated will always find an excuse. The sad thing is that sometimes they even believe it themselves. But the truth is, if you are the sort of person who cannot stay faithful, gets itchy feet five, ten even fifteen years into your marriage then that feeling has always been there.

They have just not acted on it yet. But they will. Believe me. And after they have done it once, its easier to do it twice or three times. Bit like jumping that first hurdle on a horse.

Remember, men are not complicated. They do what they do because they can. But now we know, so do women.

How do I know? Well, I will let you figure that one out for yourself!

© 2014 Nell Rose


Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2017:

Oh wow! I am sorry to hear that, from his point of view ending it I mean. And yes I totally understand what you meant. Its easy to forget how 'losing' someone can easily be years earlier. thanks for filling me in, and I am glad your second marriage is awesome! :)

Liz Elias from Oakley, CA on February 17, 2017:

LOL my ex and I made the mistake of staying together until the kids were grown and out--30 years! I was 51 when I married my current hubby; my soulmate.

The ex, who was basically a hermit and very unhappy person all his life, never remarried; and we had no further communication. According to my daughter, he then had some issues where he was in chronic pain, and he ended it all in Nov. of 2016 at the age of 71. Funny--my own reaction to that was only, " Oh? That's interesting." I guess I had processed the grief of him being 'dead' to me those many years ago.

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2017:

Wow! you must have been married for years when that happened! how old were you when you married again Lizzy?

Liz Elias from Oakley, CA on February 17, 2017:

Yep...women cheat as well...why do the guys get all the blame? They're obviously cheating WITH someone else, and odds are, it's another woman...unless they're toying with being bisexual...

I've been lucky; never got cheated on, either with my ex, and certainly not with my current hubby...

As for me--no, but one time I got so disgusted with my ex over uh.. 'insufficient attention,' that I came right out and told him to his face, that if I knew anyone, I might be tempted. His response? A calm, "I guess I couldn't blame you if you did." Wow! That was the low point, and from then on, we were basically only room mates, until the divorce. The reaction to the divorce of my then-24-year-old younger daughter was to say only, "What took you so long?"

Nell Rose (author) from England on December 06, 2016:

Yep totally agree with you LadyDee! and thanks for reading, nell

LadyDeee on December 05, 2016:

Justify if how you will, but if someone is cheating there is something seriously lacking in the marriage. I simply do not understand the viewpoint of the wife who stays with the opinion of "but he really loves me"....Yes, of course... so much so that he cheated.....when caught, they will lie (of course)... beg for forgiveness, and promise undying fidelity ... which of course is a lie as well. In the vast majority of cases, when infidelity is discovered, the marriage should be ended. If you are the wife intent on "winning"...stay at your own peril...because what you have won is someone who will lie to you, cheat on you, and disrespect you. Not really what anyone wants.....

Nell Rose (author) from England on June 28, 2014:

lol! thanks maples you said it! that's totally right, thanks for reading!

maples on June 28, 2014:

Great info! Don't come across too many stories that are Blunt, honest...and funny! Im Sure this will benefit lots of ppl..... I agree 100% with every word..... and for anyone who's having a hard time deciding whether to stay or walk away, Something I've learned from being on both ends of an unfaithful relationship, is that when deciding whether or not to stay in it, u have 2 options: either end it for good, or promise yourself to forgive, forget, and DON'T BRING IT UP bcuz if u don't it will slowly drive u both mad!

Nell Rose (author) from England on June 08, 2014:

Hi Levertis, Wow! that's one way of telling him to go stuff himself! lol! how brilliant! good for you! yes there is no excuse for it, either stay faithful or go jump! lol! thanks for reading, nell

Levertis Steele from Southern Clime on June 07, 2014:

You are right, Nell, "Just walk away." I am glad that I was decent enough to handle my cheating ex-husband appropriately. While he was taking a bath, I rapped him across his head with a 6-point candelabra. He rose from that tub bringing nearly all of the water with him. After escaping in my car, I walked away like a nice lady.

Nell Rose (author) from England on June 03, 2014:

Hi Aneegma, thanks so much, yes I totally agree with you, out the door straight away! lol! thanks!

Jasmine S from Pennsylvania on June 03, 2014:

I was cheated on once before and my rule is simple.. If you cheat, goodbye..period. No exceptions. Very nicely written hub, enjoyed reading it. Well done.

Nell Rose (author) from England on April 17, 2014:

Hi rajan, that is so true! no ifs and buts, I totally agree with you, thanks so much for reading, nell

Rajan Singh Jolly from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar, INDIA. on April 16, 2014:

Just wanna chip with this; if you think the grass is greener on the other side, take time watering your own grass and it will look just as green.

If a partner cheats it has to be a full stop to the relationship. That's it. No if's, no but's!

Voted up and shared!

Nell Rose (author) from England on March 12, 2014:

Hi Dabble, yes that's so true, some people turn a blind eye to their partners cheating, I couldn't but they do! thanks so much for reading, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on March 12, 2014:

Hi Shyron, I know someone like that too! yes I think women are just as bad, but its not the cheating that gets me, its the dishonesty, why not just say, sorry love, I no longer love you, I cheated, seeya later! lol! thanks for reading, nell

DabbleYou on March 12, 2014:

A cheating spouse is not good and never will be and it won't be easy to catch them. I guess, some people just don't want to catch their partners cheating on them.

Interesting hub. :)

Shyron E Shenko from Texas on March 11, 2014:

Nell, this is so interesting, every person has a different reason for cheating. I knew a woman who would chase married men just to see if she could get the man, and then she would move on to another one. I don't know her reason or maybe she did not reason.

I voted that men cheat more than women do, but after I thought about it, it takes two to have an affair, and if a woman is single she is aiding and abetting (a bedding) the cheater. So it is both equally guilty of cheating.

Nell Rose (author) from England on March 03, 2014:

LOL! Hi Jo,! thanks for reading, it was after a conversation with a friend who was going on and on and on....about her guy and why he had cheated, it made me grit my teeth so I had to escape and come over to write it here! lol! thanks again for your help, nell

Jo Alexis-Hagues from Lincolnshire, U.K on March 03, 2014:

Well now; I must say I love that phrase "deep your toe in another man's pond" I won't say if I've ever been temped, but I have kept my toes dry. ;)

This is a terrific read, I don't know how I missed it until now.

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 26, 2014:

Thanks Christy, that's so true, we could talk all day when it happens but the fact is it did happen, nothing can change the fact that they have cheated, thanks for reading, nell

Christy Birmingham from British Columbia, Canada on February 26, 2014:

All of the excuses in the world cannot undo the act... as many other commenters say, it is best (and healthiest) to just walk away xx

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 25, 2014:

Thanks Jeannie, yes you are right, a lot of guys and women too are just to darn scared to do it, but they want too! lol! thanks for reading, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 25, 2014:

Hi b, that's it exactly! in the words of yesterday past, they are just cads! Haha! thanks for reading, nell

Jeannie Marie from Baltimore, MD on February 24, 2014:

Interesting hub... I believe once a cheat, always a cheat. Some people are just more inclined to cheat than others. Other people will be loyal no matter what, even if it is only out of guilt or fear. It just depends on the person. Voted up!

b. Malin on February 24, 2014:

Well Nell, this was quite an Educational read...You told it like it is. You know in the end...or the beginning... some Men/Women just CHEAT...They can be married to the Best, the Brightest, but alas, alack...It is what it is!

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 22, 2014:

Thanks Deb, yes it was caused by a conversation where I was getting madder and madder! lol! this is what I wanted to say to her, my friend, it all came out in a rush so to speak! thanks so much for reading, nell

Deb Hirt from Stillwater, OK on February 22, 2014:

These are the things that I think we always knew, but were afraid to think about...

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 22, 2014:

Thanks Writer Fox! lol! yes that Adonis Syndrome! I have seen it so many times! thanks for reading, and I am glad you enjoyed it, nell

Writer Fox from the wadi near the little river on February 22, 2014:

You surely tell it like it is, Nell. Loved your 'Adonis Syndrome' line! Enjoyed and voted up!

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 20, 2014:

lol! yes I can believe that Alastar! what's the old saying? just fill em up with a beer and the truth will spill out! of course theres the other saying too, one my friends mum used to say, 'You don't go to bed with an ugly woman/man but you sure wake up with a few! too much beer! lol!

Alastar Packer from North Carolina on February 20, 2014:

True , true Nell. Used to be around here if someone wanted proof of what you say all they had to do was go down to the local Holiday Inn bar.

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 20, 2014:

Hi Alastar, yes good old lizzie didn't know whether she was coming or going with her husbands but I do think it was Richard burton she loved. And thanks for agreeing with me, so many people make excuses and so on, but I tell it like I believe it is, the truth is not what people say to their partners, they just want to run, hide then get out of it! lol! thanks as always, nell

Alastar Packer from North Carolina on February 20, 2014:

Ah Nell, your the ringer at what you do! Those who are fortunate enough to know you know a story like this by Nell is gonna be good. Can't but agree with 'bout everything you wrote. Had a Hollywood type ask me once who I thought Liz Taylor loved the most of all her husbands. Said I didn't know. He said it was Richard Burton, she married him twice!

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 20, 2014:

Thats great beth! glad you found your gem, yes there are some great guys out there, you are very lucky to find one, and thanks so much as always, nell

Beth Perry from Tennesee on February 19, 2014:

Nell, very intriguing thoughts on the subject. Unfortunately, it seems sometimes we have to deal with the dirt before finding the gems -which happened in my case- but now I have a gem that I know is faithful to the marrow.

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 19, 2014:

Hi Kitty, I am sure you and your husband are really truly happy, this is purely about the ones who are like this from before they get married, you are very lucky, thanks for reading, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 19, 2014:

Thanks Cynthia, that's it exactly, why do people believe that they can change someone? honestly, its the simplest explanation, they cheat simple as that, thanks so much for reading, nell

Kitty Fields from Summerland on February 19, 2014:

Nell - This was really well-written, as always! I am a faithful wife, and I know my husband is faithful. And well, the thing is...I don't like to worry myself sick wondering if he will ever cheat because it's not like that would help anything anyway! So I live my life in happiness and if it ever happens...then it happens and I'll deal with it then. That's how I live my life. I agree, though. I believe both men and women cheat equally...and it's usually for similar reasons...not just for the reasons society is led to believe. Thanks for an interesting one!

CMHypno from Other Side of the Sun on February 19, 2014:

Interesting read Nell. I have had many friends who have hooked up with men with a long history of playing around and then been horrified when he did it to them. They thought they were 'special', they thought they'd tamed them, but in truth they hadn't changed a bit and it was only a matter of time.

But when some of those players had the tables turned on them by their women being caught out cheating on them, oh the indignation and hurt pride!

I think both men and women cheat and the banal explanation usually is because they can.

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 19, 2014:

Hi Dianna, yes sometimes its a good idea to try again, but I do believe that once someone has cheated they will never trust again, and yes that 'foot out the door syndrome' came from my friend! lol! and what a great way of putting it! thanks as always, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 19, 2014:

HI Nadine, that's amazing that you became a marriage councilor! I am so pleased that you managed to leave and now found your life partner, it just goes to show how walking away does work, lovely!

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 19, 2014:

Hi Eddy, thanks so much for reading, and I hope you have a wonderful day too, nell

Eiddwen from Wales on February 19, 2014:

Oh yes another gem from you and leaving much needed food for thought. Your obvious hard work and great enthusiasm always so apparent.

Interesting and useful; all in all a great hub and voted up.

Have a great day Nell.


Nadine May from Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa on February 19, 2014:

Thanks for a great hub on relationships. My first husband had several affairs and i always believed him that it was my fault. After been married for 25 years I became a marriage counseller after first going back to univ ..For 5 years i listen to couples and learned that some couples should never try to stay together but instead learn to part in grace. I followed my own advice and got divorced after 33 years.

I met my publisher a year later. He became my life partner and we are now in our 13th year together.

Dianna Mendez on February 18, 2014:

Your presentation here covers many aspects of why people cheat. And, as you say, it's not really that clear. We have to keep ourselves accountable above all else to the one we joined with in a marriage or relationship. I do believe in second chances, but there comes a time when enough is enough -- I like you "foot out the door syndrome" reference.

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 18, 2014:

Thanks so much Ruchira, I like to tell it as it is as I have heard it so many times from different friends etc! lol! I think my secret way of finding out whether someone is cheating is the real deal, and yes it does work! lol! thanks for reading, nell

Ruchira from United States on February 18, 2014:

cheating usually happens when an individual is confused and I pity these celebrities cause their plate sure is full :)

Loved your article Nell. It had logic and reasoning from both ends...justified indeed ;)

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 18, 2014:

HI Alicia, glad you liked my rant! lol! it started off with a conversation and ended up with a hub! thanks as always, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 18, 2014:

Hi word, yes that's my point exactly, if they can't stay faithful then they should leave, thanks for reading, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 18, 2014:

Hiya grand old lady, yes its okay if its an agreed thing to cheat, but yes that listening to the heartbeat thing really does work! lol!

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 18, 2014:

Hi Ann, yes if they change then its okay to carry on with the relationship, but I do think the trust will be gone for good though, thanks for reading, nell

Ann1Az2 from Orange, Texas on February 18, 2014:

Well, this hub was a bit of a shocker, but I read through it because it was well thought out. I noticed you didn't get into any of the moral implications, so I won't either. Suffice to say that, like most other marital or relationship problems, there is never an easy solution. I agree, though, that if a man or woman continues to cheat, there is not much one can do except walk away. It hurts too much to keep putting yourself through it. If, on the other hand, the one who cheats stops and genuinely changes, then the relationship may be well worth saving.

Mona Sabalones Gonzalez from Philippines on February 17, 2014:

I like the tip about putting your ear against the guy's chest the asking him, and listening to his heartbeat as he answers. Some guys really don't know how to be faithful. In such case, dump them. But sometimes couples are okay with cheating, like Bill and Hilary Clinton, or Jackie and John Kennedy. Well, whatever works.

Al Wordlaw from Chicago on February 17, 2014:

Sounds like heavy drama here. Where is the love and devotion to one another? Why stay together if you must cheat on each other? But if that's the way it goes then okay, I see. Thanks Neil for sharing.

Linda Crampton from British Columbia, Canada on February 17, 2014:

This is an interesting and thought provoking analysis, Nell! I think that it's very hard to rebuild a relationship once trust has been lost, but anything's possible. You've raised some great points in your hub, which I'm going to think about some more. Thanks for sharing your ideas!

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Thanks btrbell, lol! yes the truth is out! too many men believe its only them that cheat, and of course they believe that women do it for other reasons, but of course that's just not true!

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Hi Genna, thanks so much for reading, yes its amazing how people do react to the situation of cheating when it really does happen. many people do the opposite of what they always said they would do, and of course love comes into it, and sometimes gets in the way, so making them blind to the fact, nell

Randi Benlulu from Mesa, AZ on February 17, 2014:

Thank you, Nell for so eloquently dispelling the myth. Another area where men and women ARE in fact, equal! Having read one of your bubblews not too long ago, I understand where you are coming from and give you votes up, as wellas kudos for saying what many women are afraid to admit to! Thank you!

Genna East from Massachusetts, USA on February 17, 2014:

I agree with Faith. I can’t picture that trust could ever exist in that relationship again…the cheating would always be there between them. But, that’s me. If this were to happen to me, as hard as it is to imagine I think I would walk away. Then again, we never know until we are actually in that situation. Excellent hub, Nell. Voted up and shared.

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

lol! that's it exactly mary! its strange that the woman or guy on the receiving end just does not get that! thanks for reading, nell

Mary Hyatt from Florida on February 17, 2014:

When someone gets caught and say they're sorry.....they aren't sorry for cheating, they are just sorry they got caught!!

Voted UP, etc.etc.

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Hi TurtleDog, thanks so much for reading, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Hi Rev. Akins, yes that does sound like a good idea, maybe sitting down with a councilor before the marriage can iron out any problems and get the couple to realise whether they really are compatable or not. Thanks for reading, and the great advice, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

LOL! thanks alan! yes for relationship advice just turn on Last of the Summer Wine with Nora Batty! I used to love that programme, so funny! thanks, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Hi CrisSp, wow! that sounds amazing! can I come? lol! yes those darn excuses! no man or woman will be able to say them again after this! lol! have a great time! and thanks, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Hi Pamela, that's the simplest and easiest way to go, and I totally agree, as they say, a leopard never changes it spots! lol!

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Thanks for reading bravewarrior, and yes I totally agree with you, nell

TurtleDog on February 17, 2014:

Excellent post, great images too. Thanks. Voted up. I'll check out your 'signs of a cheater' post next...

Rev. Akins from Tucson, AZ on February 17, 2014:

I really liked the hub, but (and I haven't read all your comments) I wonder how many people would be better off with some basic pre-marital counseling. I am a minister and I force people to talk about their lives and what they see their marriage being like in the future. It may not be much, but there have been a couple of marriages that never happened simply because it came out that one person had no interest in being faithful. It also creates a way for them to talk about their marriage before it gets to the point of affairs. I know it is not going to solve all the problems of the world, but it might help some. :)

Alan R Lancaster from Forest Gate, London E7, U K (ex-pat Yorkshire) on February 17, 2014:

(Nice bit of advice from Auntie Nell here). Oh, hello Nell, um, er, just looking!

I get my marriage guidance from 'Last of the Summer Wine' on the Drama Channel (Freeview 20). Want a lie detector? See Norah Batty or Ivy from the cafe! Need advice on avoiding detection? A purchase from Auntie Wainwright will keep her quiet, as long as you pay over the odds. A bit of manly advice? Truly of the Yard will tell you (for no extra charge, as long as you buy the next round): 'If you can't do the time, keep off the crime!'

See? There's solidity for you, like concrete in your boots!

CrisSp from Sky Is The Limit Adventure on February 17, 2014:

Hey Nell! I'm supposed to be flying to Montego Bay today but mechanical issues had my flight cancelled and so I landed in your hub instead, which is great! :)

What fUn-tastic read from a cheeky you! You just made the topic so interesting from beginning to end. Bulls eye! Now, what lame excuses can there be when caught: "We're only human, we make mistakes."--Yeah, right! :)

Oh well, I enjoyed reading this and hence, voting up, pinning and sharing.

Pamela Oglesby from Sunny Florida on February 17, 2014:

Very interesting article and I also agree with Jackie. Walk away. People almost never change, so go be happy.

Shauna L Bowling from Central Florida on February 17, 2014:

Whether it's the man or the woman, the damage is done. Trust can never be felt again. There will always be the wondering what's really going out every time they are out of site. Some people just aren't cut out for a monogamous relationship. In that case, forget the vows and have a good time while it lasts.

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Hi MsDora, thanks so much for reading, yes its so difficult when you are inside the problem to work out exactly what to do, stay with them or walk away?

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Thanks DDE yes its a very complicated matter, but sometimes its best to just walk away, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Thanks amuno for your thoughts, and reading, glad you liked it, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Hi Chitrangada, thanks for reading, yes the trust is totally gone when this happens, it often makes me wonder why they get married in the first place! lol! thanks for reading, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Hi Flourish, love that word, sassiness! haha! yes that's so true, if a guy leaves his wife for someone else you can bet your bottom dollar he will do it again! thanks so much for reading, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Hi Ruby, lol! I did that one ruby! and yes it works! as for those councilors, well, less said the better! thanks as always, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Hi Faith, that's so true, men do go by the sight of a woman, I do believe women do that too sometimes, thanks so much for reading, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Hi VVanNess, yes that's so true, I think these days people don't take so much from their partner, back in the day they would turn a blind eye to bad behaviour of the spouse, but not these days, and no I don't blame them at all! lol! thanks!

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

So true Martie! lol! yes the ones who just can't get the opportunity are the people who look down their noses! I have seen this first hand! and the first to squeal on you too! haha! I am sure some of the older generation really did stay faithful, but sadly these days its not seen so much, why? I don't know, maybe because women have more freedom to walk away! thanks as always, nell

Victoria Van Ness from Fountain, CO on February 17, 2014:

I think the reasons why most people cheat are obvious. Not that they get a pass for doing something so heinous, but it's not usually just one person involved. Give your spouse a miserable experience every time he or she comes home, criticize everything they do, and refuse intimacy, and eventually (sooner for some than others) you've got the perfect potion for cheating.

There's never a good reason to cheat, but sometimes all the person is looking for is love and acceptance from somewhere. Can you blame them?

Martie Coetser from South Africa on February 17, 2014:

I am boots and all in agreement with you, Nell. If they (men and women) don't cheat all the time, they will ten to one grab the right opportunity at least once and face the consequences. But then there is a 3rd group who just never get the opportunity, and they are the most judgemental, and not because they are standing on religion or moral inhibitions, but because they are truly envious and angry because something or someone is keeping them from being spontaneous human.

I do believe that only 5%, maybe 10%, are truly during a specific time frame too happy and contented to cheat on their partners.

Voted up and interesting -:)

Faith Reaper from southern USA on February 17, 2014:

Once that trust is broken, it is hard to build it back, and as Jackie says, if one is married and cheats, even God says it is okay so long as you get a divorce! In studies, they have shown that men are turned on by sight and women by touch, so if a man just looks at an attractive women, and she even gives him the slightest bit of attention, then that is all it takes sometimes, sadly!

Up and more and sharing

Have a great week,

Faith Reaper

Ruby Jean Richert from Southern Illinois on February 17, 2014:

This is a great hub full of truths and may i add, soo funny! I lol when you wrote, " The heart beats faster when they lie. " who would have ' thunk ' to put your head on his chest when you ask. Hee. I adore Liz Taylor but Richard, lordy his complection turns me off. Fun read Nell and down with the councilors, when it's over, it's over.....

FlourishAnyway from USA on February 17, 2014:

Great hub, Nell! I thoroughly enjoyed your sassiness.

In researching a hub on love and romance in the office, I was enlightened that, a website that caters to matchmaking people actually looking for adulterous relationships (!!!), has released information on the profile of the average man/average woman who cheats based on their own database of cheaters. It was very sad to read. I hate the thought of someone ruining the life, the trust, and maybe the health of the person they swore to honor 'til death do they part. All the Angelina Jolies of the world need to remember that if he'll cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you. Same goes for cheating wives.

Chitrangada Sharan from New Delhi, India on February 17, 2014:

Very detailed and analytical hub on a very crucial topic!

It is very unfortunate if cheating happens among couples, in the first place. I can only say, if it happens even once, the person concerned can never be trusted again.

Thanks for this thought provoking hub!

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Hi dashing, I have a theory on that too, the bit where you say someone admits it years or months later? I think the only reason why they spill the beans so to speak is because the 'guilt' and yes maybe it is a bit, is so heavy they have to 'give' it to the partner to get it off their chest. so in a sense they are still being the selfish ones because its like they are carrying around a soggy bag of rubbish with them, metaphorically of course, so they want to pass it on. Still selfish whatever label they fix it with, thanks so much for reading, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Thanks Jodah, yep come to me I will tell it like it is! lol! thanks for reading, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Hi Paula, lol! yes those bleeding hearts! as they said on Sex in the City, get over it he is just not into you!' love that saying! yes those councilors need me to put them straight! haha! actually I trained to be a councilor, but never took on the job, probably because I couldn't bear to hear the whining! lol! thanks as always, nell

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 17, 2014:

Thanks Bill, yes this was started by hearing a friend go through the, 'did he do it deliberately? is he sorry?' conversation! got me so riled up by the rubbish she was spouting that I had to pour it out, the truth, whole truth, and nothing but! lol! thanks for reading, nell

Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on February 17, 2014:

Nell, I also doubt that the relationship can be like it was before the affair. It is a choice to live with the offender. You really tackled the questions that should be asked. Excellent!

Devika Primić from Dubrovnik, Croatia on February 17, 2014:

Sorry is not enough after one has cheated and bot sexes are following the same path. A great analysis of this complicated issue.

Alfred Amuno from Kampala on February 17, 2014:

Interesting analysis Nell Rose. You make it sound a little simple, but God, is it?. The whole concept of relationships, marriage, cheating etc is complex that we don't want to face it head on. I guess you bring it forth and leave us thinking to ourselves: is it true about me?

Mmmmm, let me mull over it. And thanks for the insight.

dashingscorpio from Chicago on February 16, 2014:

Very interesting hub. Voted up!

I completely agree with you that there is no "gender difference" with regard to why people cheat. Men and women cheat for the same reasons! Cheaters generally are looking to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side.

I've heard the (oxytocin) theory that women "bond" with men through sex and therefore are unable to have "casual sex" and yet we know women have had "one night stands", some women are prostitutes/escorts, and others are porn stars! That blows a hole in the "oxytocin" theory.

No cheater is looking to go through a messy divorce or breakup although that may happen if they're caught. Cheating means "breaking the rules". It's a selfish act in attempt to have it all.

You stated "cheaters will always have reasons or excuses". The reason this is true is because people will always ask them "why?". Either the cheater has to give a "reason/excuse" or say nothing. Not many people are going to allow them to remain silent. They want to hear them say something! Why do we ask why when believe there is no justification?

With regard to your statement; "There is no guilt. There is only stupidity for getting caught." This not always the case because some people have been known to "confess" about cheating without the slightest chance of being caught even if months or years have passed. Some people truly are eaten away by guilt.

However in (most) instances when a cheater is caught and says, "I never meant to hurt you" what they're really saying is "I never thought you'd find out." Without a doubt cheating is no "accident" or a "mistake". It's not as though someone forgot to dot an (i) or cross (t), they turned left when they meant to turn right....etc No has sex by accident!

Unless the person they were with looks just like you, lives in house that looks just like yours, and answers by your name it's not a "mistake".

John Hansen from Australia (Gondwana Land) on February 16, 2014:

Great hub Nell, dispelling myths that men and women have affairs for different reasons. People have affairs for different reasons, you can't define it as man vs woman here. they say "all's fair in love and war" well I don't know about that, but all should be equal. If it ever happens in our relationship, I know where to turn for joking. Voted up++

Suzie from Carson City on February 16, 2014:

Oh my dear Nell! I knew there was a valid reason for loving you! (and I haven't cheated on you yet, but I will)

I am in the same section of the theater as you are.....viewing the movie in the same way....conceiving the characters in their true roles, accurately speculating the next scene.....understanding the fine lines between reality, fiction, sci-fi, drama and comedy.

We shall entitle our movie: "If They Have Done it....Oh Yes, They will Again...Wake up, Snap Out of IT, Cut Your Losses and Get On With Your Life and GET OVER HIM?HER"......You think the title is too long? I suppose the presenters at the Academy Awards may think so. I really don't care, do you? Hollywood is one enormous, massive Festival of Infidelities.

Getting real....if we need to ask if we look fat in our new dress.....we probably DO. If you "suspect" your loved one is stepping out....he/she probably is. If it is proven beyond" doubt."....stop deluding yourself with "doubt." Dee Nile is a River in Egypt, dude.....

IF you adore him/her so know you cannot live without him/her.....Fine, forgive him/her WITHOUT exclusions and conditions. Live with it and stop whining. One day you will come out of your coma. When you do, pack his/her bags...and deliver one bag to each of their illicit lovers...strictly as a final gesture of kindness.

I am feeling neither indignant nor depressed. I'm feeling like applauding you for telling it like it is. Prepare yourself for the comments from the bleeding hearts. I got your back, girl......which is easy for me to say, here as I sit on the other side of the pond.

I positively love this hub. I say, call the councilors and tell them McDonald's is hiring................UP++++ shared, tweeted, pinned and BRAVO!!!

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on February 16, 2014:

No burst bubbles here, Nell. I never doubted that women could follow the same pursuits for the same reasons. And I'm with Jackie on this one...just walk way.

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