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The Secret Life of a Military Spouse

Anna is a writer who wears many other hats and has a wealth of experience that she draws from, sometimes funny, sometimes serious.

The Truth

For four years, I lived the life as a military spouse. It wasn't easy, it was rarely fun, but it was always interesting. Recently, I watched a bit of the TV show, Army Wives, on the Lifetime network. I had heard of the show before, but had never watched it. I figured it would be some weepy show, full of inaccurate stories of what the life of a military spouse is really like.

To my surprise, it was somewhat accurate. My ex-husband was not in the Army, and I will just leave it at that, so I don't really know if the situation is all that different, but for the most part, it was fairly accurate. I was surprised. It is a drama, so there is a lot of good, a lot of bad, and a lot of the normal. But, of course, it's TV, so there is none of the mundane.

The truth is, there is a lot of the mundane, but that is the same with any life. Life is not all just an up and down crazy roller-coaster. There were a lot of ups and downs, scary moments, painful moments, and a lot of really happy times, but TV doesn't show you all that stuff that lies in between the ups and downs. It doesn't show the boredom, the day to day reality.


The Beginning

All good stories should start at the beginning, so that's where we will start. My life as a military wife started the day my husband left for bootcamp. I was pregnant with our first child, and I had a hard time saying goodbye. He headed to training camp, and we weren't even allowed to talk on the phone. Months of loneliness and dozens of letters. Other than two short phone calls on the day our daughter was born, the letters were the only communication we had. It was hard on both of us.

His schooling was only slightly better. I was basically a single mom for the time that he was at school. I got daily phone calls and still more letters. I updated him on how the baby was, and sent him pictures. I cut out a clipping of his picture in the paper and sent it to him. All the while, I kept telling myself that it will be better once we are together. I needed some hope that things would be better. For a while, it was.

A New Home

Stepping off the plane in a new city, in a very different part of the country, far from my family and friends was one of the hardest and most exciting things I had ever done. I had great hopes for starting our life fresh in a new place, with a new life.

Our apartment was small, but efficient; perfect military housing architecture, bland and boring, but it quickly became home. I tried to fill it with things that we both loved. I tried to make it more than what it was. I was the doting wife, who kept the house clean, took care of the baby, and helped out in any way I could to make his life easier. I was bored. I had no friends. I tried to keep busy, but far too often, I would find myself watching and waiting for him to come home. He would be tired and want to rest; I would be stir crazy and want to get out of the house. This quickly put a strain on our relationship.

I found a few friends in the wives of some of the people in his shop. They were a God-send! One lived in the same housing area that I did, and we spent some time together at first, but not a lot. They were both younger than me, and I had a child, while they did not. Being in the isolated housing area that we were in, made it hard to seek out friends whom I might have more in common with. I had a hard time, and turned to my friends and family back home for support.


The First Deployment

The first deployment came too quickly. We had only been at our duty station for four months! We had already spent so much time apart, and were finally together, and the dreaded first deployment was here. My friend who lived in the same housing area, let's call her Kelly. Her husband was deploying with mine. I had someone to turn to. We had each other. We quickly bonded and spent most of that deployment together.

Her mother came to visit, and she would watch my daughter, so Kelly and I could get some time out of the house together. We hit the town, and quickly realized a few things. First, we could have fun, even though we were sad about our husbands being gone. Second, alcohol flows freely in a military town. And third, single men in the military prey on wives of deployed members of the military. These men saw the rings on our fingers, saw something in us that said, "Our husbands are deployed!", and I guess, they figured we were fair game.

I can't count the times I had guys hitting on me, buying me drinks, or making moves on me after they found out my husband was deployed. I was shocked! I can even recall one time, a guy from my husband's own shop tried to kiss me! Someone both my husband and I knew! I look back at how naïve I was back then, and it almost makes me laugh. If I had known then, what I learned later, I would not have been so shocked.

Cheating in the military is more common than most people would realize. Even though it is a chargeable offense in the military, it is very, very common, and in most cases, people just look the other way. Unfortunately, Kelly was the first of us to realize this. Shortly following that first deployment, she discovered that her husband had been cheating. A pattern that would continue until they eventually split up.

My husband's first deployment lasted only a few months, and I was able to stay true to my vows, despite the numerous advances of numerous men. I was so happy to see him get off that bus! I could hardly stand it. I remember that day so well; all the nervous energy, the preperations, the primping, and the seemingly endless wait. It was one of the happier moments.

Clips of "Army Wives" on Lifetime

These are the images you usually see in regards to a military spouse

These are the images you usually see in regards to a military spouse

The Long Stretch

There was a long stretch where he did not get deployed. It was over a year before he got deployed again. That time in between deployments was good and it was also bad. How bad, I would not know until much later.

We had a lot of fun, spending time with our friends, and having parties for one thing or another, hitting the bars when we could find a sitter, and just enjoying our lives. It wasn't always easy. There were last minute inspections, early mornings every day, and training exercises that would take him away for a couple weeks at a time, but it was tolerable. I was adjusting and making friends. I got a job at a child care center, and I loved it! I made even more friends through my time there. Things were actually going well.

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Then more news. My husband was being sent out-of-state for some training exercise. It was him and a couple others. He said it would be fine, and he would be back in no time. It was only two weeks, after all. No different than other training exercises in the past, this one was just out-of-state, so he would not be able to come home at all, not even for an afternoon. Like most things, this came up at the last minute, and we had to rush around to prepare. I helped him get his gear ready, and gave him a big hug and kiss goodbye, and tried to explain to our daughter why daddy had to leave again. She was so young. It was hard for her.

This was not like every other training exercise. They were in a hotel instead of in the field, and he was able to go out to the bars at the end of the day, instead of hanging out in his tent, playing cards with the guys. He came home, and he seemed strange. I asked him about it, and he said that he was only tired. Days went by with him acting stranger and stranger, sitting on the computer all the time, looking at me weird. I knew something was up, but every attempt at getting anything out of him, only resulted in more of nothing.

I got nosey, hacked into his email, and there was all the answer I needed. Emails to and from a woman, with intimate details, and more than I ever wanted to see. As I said, cheating is a very common thing in the military, and I had never really believed he could do it. But, here it was in full color, ripping my heart out of my chest. I called him at the shop and screamed at him, hoping his CO would hear me. I wanted him to pay. I wanted him to hurt the way I hurt.

He promised me that this was the only time, that it would never happen again, and that he would never see or talk to her again. Lies, lies, lies...that's all it was. It was not the first time, it did happened again, and he did talk to her again. We attempted counceling, but he could never get out of work to go. The military doesn't care if you and your spouse are happy. An old joke says, "If the military wanted you to have a spouse and children, they would have issued them to you." It is a bad joke, mostly because it is mostly true.

I don't want to turn this into just a session of bashing the military and bashing my ex. That isn't what this is about. This is a cautionary tale for anyone contemplating a life as a member of the military or as a military spouse. But, in the course of doing that, I have to be honest.

Revelations: The Second Deployment

Things never really got better. There was never enough time. Between training, his work schedule, my job, our daughter, and just making it through each day, we grew further apart. The damage that was done, was never repaired, and we only ever made it to two counceling sessions. And then, the second deployment came. A seven month stint in Iraq this time. I was terrified. I knew our relationship was rocky, at best, and being separated for such a long time could only make it worse. My friend Kelly and her husband had already gotten divorced the year before, so I knew it could happen.

I had learned a lot by then. I had learned what life as a military spouse was really like. The way you were treated by other military members, by other spouses. My friend Kelly was looked at as a whore. After repeatedly cheating on her, and then a messy divorce, her husband, and other men spread lies about her, and a lot of times, it's a guilt by association thing. My other friend, Rachel and I were seen in much the same way. If only because of who we were friends with, and the lies that were spread. We were seen as easy prey.

Rachel's husband was already overseas. She had a harder time than either Kelly or I dealing with the deployments. She seems to feel things more deeply than Kelly or I do. She is a strong, smart woman, and still she had already succumbed to the advances of a couple of men in the short time her husband was gone. Was I going to fall that easily? Was my marriage even worth saving at that point?

I shared my fears with my husband. He tried to ease my fears, but I saw in his eyes something that scared me. He doubted me, but there was more. Something else hiding behind the concern. The day he left was bright and sunny, but storms were churning deep inside me. I had so many questions, but there was no time to ask them. It was once again, time to say goodbye. My daughter kissed her father, I gave him a hug and a kiss, and off he went. Off to danger and adventure, and more boredom that I could have imagined.

A short time later, I confronted a few friends of mine on something that had happened a year before, shortly before the time he cheated on me, in fact. I had ventured home for the wedding of my sister, and on one night, I could not reach him. I called and called, I even called Kelly and Rachel. No one knew where he was, no one would tell me anything. It seemed odd, and I was really upset. He told me later that he had been babysitting for a friend of Kelly's, and that he had fallen asleep, woke up later, and gone home.

I confronted my friends about this after my husband had left for Iraq. Something about the way he was looking at me in the days before he left was bugging me. They told me what they knew. He had been at this person's house, helping with the kids, and Kelly and Rachel had gone to Kelly's house, right next door. His car never left the parking lot, and my husband and this woman had been acting weird all day that day and the next.

I decided to call this woman's ex-husband,Dustin, who strangly enough, was the man that Rachel was currently dating. Dustin told me what his ex had told him. That she and my husband had done everything except the actual act itself. That she had stopped him at the last minute and told him no. Neither I nor Dustin believed this for a second. I could not call mu husband this time and yell at him. I had to wait for a call from him.


The End

It was a long two days before I heard from him. I told him I wanted a divorce. I had to wait months for him to return from Iraq so we could start the process, but in my mind, our marriage ended that day on the phone. I wanted nothing more to do with him, or his lies. I was a much wiser woman that I had been when I first stepped off that plane, and knew I could get pretty much anything or anyone that I wanted if I really wanted to.

My wedding ring came off, the high heels went on, and I went a little crazy. We spent a lot of nights out, a lot of nights having huge parties, and a lot of nights are still a bit of a blur. I had a great babysitter who lived right next door to Kelly and her boyfriend. It made the life I was leading very easy. I spent most of my time with my daughter, but spent quite a few nights out with my friends. I'm not saying that what I did was a good thing. I was hurting, and in a lot of pain. I was careful and responsible, but he still found out. He had me followed. For all I knew, he had been having me followed from the get go. I have no idea. I don't really care. Fact is, he found out. He threw it in my face. He tried to use it against me, threatened me and threatened to get the person I had been seeing into trouble.

It became very messy. He tried to win me back, tried to bribe me, blackmail me, you name it. I had no one to turn to except my friends. Kelly and Rachel were still there, we had managed to stay together this entire time. Through Kelly's divorce and another bad relationship and Rachel having a baby and an affair, to my own affair, we were still together. It was amazing, and I relied on them to help me through it all. I spent a lot of time with Kelly and her current boyfriend, and even had the help of a couple of the guys that worked with my husband. I of course, had the support of my friends and family back home, but they were so far away.

He returned from Iraq, and we started the divorce process. The whole time, he is trying to win me back, telling me he can change, etc, etc. He also wanted me to change. I could not be friends with Kelly and Rachel anymore, I could not go out. It was as if I was the one who had ruined our marriage and not the other way around. Our divorce was finalized six months after he got back, and I moved back home.

Looking Back

My story is not all that uncommon. Out of everyone I met during my time as a military wife, I can't remember one single married couple who had survived the military without someone cheating at some point. A lot of times, it ended up being someone the other person was close with, a friend, a friend of the spouse, someone they saw at work, but once in a while, it was just a random someone they met at a bar in another city, where they didn't think anyone would ever find out. Everyone is very close-mouthed about it. Kind of like "don't ask, don't tell." If you don't ask for the information, no one is going to tell you. Sometimes, even if you ask, they won't tell you.

Life is better for me and for my two friends. Kelly is still with the guy she was dating during my ex's last deployment. They are engaged and moving away from the area we all lived. Rachel is still married, and is expecting her second child. They are stationed at a training base, and he isn't expected to deploy again anytime soon. I am doing well. I have reconnected with my first love, my high school sweetheart. We are both divorced, both have kids and both are astoundingly happy. I can't remember being this happy. Kelly and I will be living few short hours from each other, and are looking forward to hanging out together, and planning her wedding. Life has moved on.

I doubt things will ever change in the military as long as too many people look the other way. Cheating is commonplace. It seemed to me, that it became an accepted part of the military life. It may be considered a crime in the military, but it is one that is often ignored, or overlooked. I am not saying every married person in the military cheats, or that every spouse cheats. I am only sharing my experience and what I saw and dealt with. I have a great love for the members of the military, and a great respect for what they do. I have made many friends from my time as a military wife, and I love and respect them dearly. I don't wish to talk ill of them in any way. The people that I met, for the most part, were great people. Even good people are flawed.

© 2008 Anna Marie Bowman


Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on January 09, 2014:

Nirmala-- Thank you! It is always hard to walk away, no matter the circumstances. I agree, cheating isn't restricted to the military, but the way it is regarded within the military community, considering the penalties for such behavior, it is a strange thing.

Nirmala Roberts on January 08, 2014:

..Marie, kudos to you for having walked out of a rotting relationship. Cheating will happen wherever there's no true commitment in nurturing a relationship..... be it in military or in civil life. In this man's world, men enjoy the immunity of cheating their women and getting away with it. Hence, women have to be bold enough to face it up and call it quits without any qualms..... instead of hanging on to the broken threads of hope.

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on November 20, 2013:

marie--Just remember to be open and honest with each other. I heard that living off base does help a little. As long as you are supportive of each other, are open with each other, and trust each other, it does help.

marie on November 18, 2013:

Cheating* sorry for my spelling errors/typos

marie on November 18, 2013:

I am a newly married Air force wife. Been married since octobrr 11th 2013... till fresh of course.. I am sincerely sorry that you had to go through something like that. I am only 19 years old. My husband is deployed overseas... I never really knew the military had a lot of heating or (knowing its very common to happen) it kinda makes me nervous.. I hope that never happens between my husband and I. Ik we are very close and thankfully we have sorta talked about..if something ever happens what actions should we choose. Or how to avoid a problem like this. Im actually not on the same base as he is..(im a civilian) but im still in my hometown finishing up college for my degree before moving and iv been to his base a lot of times...the only thing that concerns me is.. his roommate..hes older then my husband in his late 20s and hes engaged and...getting married this up coming spring but hes cheated on his... girl knowing that (bc my husbands told me and he couldn't believe this guy) and.. it worries me that his bad influence might rub off on him.. but I dont think it will happen because hes moving out soon. One thi g ive learned is that when he comes back 2014 may... we r living off base and I heard it helps alot. Im praying for our young marriage to be successful. Thank you for your story! It makes me be aware of things that.. could possibly happen just like the bar.. my husband refuses to go to bars or out drinking with any of his friends because he knows the b.s that could happen. Hes 21. Ik when im 21 bars wont be happening at all..and iv heard of wives going to barsand getting free drinks bc they lets guys hit on them bc they are married... I wont ever do something like h

that as well.. im focusing on my major and having a degree and also being a supportivre wife.. ik my husband is also very picky with friend's which is kinda good thing because he can't stand friends who cheat n ask him to cover it up if a gf or wife wants to know..and iv also learned his higher ups told him not to (have a child after first deployment) which we aren't anywayz.. waiting till our late 20s early 30s..because its distracting to them I guess but oh well... I hope the best for you and your new man! -

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on June 07, 2012:

Ela-- At least you are going in with your eyes open, and you are aware of the reality. I feel bad for this girl, as well. I can hardly believe that a higher up would encourage such behavior, but I shouldn't be surprised. A lot of the military members I knew, that I found out had cheated on their wives were higher ups. Thank you for sharing. Best wishes to you and your husband!

Ela on June 05, 2012:

This story is very true. Although my friend and I have yet to experience deployed husbands we stay true as do our husbands. However, this stuff happens even while your not deployed. One of my husbands coworkers was talking to my husband and another higher up about a female who kept coming to his area while on duty and suspected she was interested in fooling around. This guy is recently engaged by the way. While my husband was hearing him out their higher up asked the guy if he wanted to sleep with her. The guy said I'm not sure. And the higher replied by basically telling him to do it since she was offering. It was left at that for that day. Later my husband found out that the guy did end up cheating and the higher up that encouraged it was helping him cover it up from his fiancé. I feel bad for the girl. I wish I could tell her before she marries this guy but even if I really wanted to tell her I couldn't because I've never seen the poor girl. I understand reality and am prepared to handle any situation in my marriage. I live very comfortable with my spouse and I don't live waiting for the ceiling to fall down, but I'm prepared to handle whatever life throws my way.

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on March 01, 2012:

George-- That is a sad story, but I am glad that you and your wife were able to stay friends. After all these years, my ex-husband and I have managed to become something close to friends. It took a long time, though.

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on March 01, 2012:

Lindsay-- This is quite common. Don't give up yet. Seek ways to reconnect with your husband. Be patient with him. Remember, that things are very different back home than they were on deployment. It will take some time to adjust. You may want to seek the advice of a councilor. If he will go with you, that would be best, but if not, go by yourself. You may be able to find ways to make the transition easier for him.

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on March 01, 2012:

All branches of the military have their little differences, and I agree, there is a big difference between the lives of officers, and their families, and those of the enlisted ranks. I kind of tend to agree, that quite often, officers tend to be a little stuck up, but that doesn't go for all of them. I have known many who were wonderful people.

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on March 01, 2012:

Amanda-- I said several times that not everyone in the military cheats. I just made a point that the environment of the military lifestyle, and the attitude of that lifestyle, makes cheating very common. I do agree that those outside the military do cheat, as well.

george on February 29, 2012:

dont worry be happy i lost my wife to the army. when ihad to go away for months she was horny and couldn't wait for me to get home we are still friends

Lindsay on February 29, 2012:

I am having problems connecting with my husband now that he is home. He has returned to his base and I'm at home with our 5 month old daughter but I think deployment has made us two different people and I'm ready to call is that bad?

Andrea on February 29, 2012:

I didn't read the whole thing but as a marine wife for 6 years... Marine life is nothing at all like the show army wives. Not even a little bit, but that could be because my husband isn't an officer. Officer life is different. They are kinda suck up from my experience

Amanda on February 29, 2012:

I'm sorry to hear about your horrible sad story. But you shouldn't say 'people in the military cheat... It common..' blah blah. That's horrible!! Just because you and a couple others had issues doesn't mean anything. Cheating is common in the real world too.

My husband and I both have an agreement -- if we cheat we will destroy each other. Lol. I will destroy his career and he will destroy anything for me. Even so I would never cheat on him. I've been there and it hurts.

Him and I have had a rocky passed but we have chosen to forgive each other. It still hurts when we both talk about it.. As it does for him. But I've loved him from the start and wanted to be with him. I knew he loved me because of how he talked to me and only me.

Keep a good open relationship with lots of trust. Talk about everything and try and work it out.

kacy daugherty on February 23, 2012:

Thanks for sending a picture of the spell to me, It looks like it took

forever to do. I really appreciate you doing this for me even though I

could only pay you ----. It was nice because I know you put much

effort into this and you deserve much more than ----- for all the work

and time that was put into it. I don't know what I could ever do to

repay you..this is really important to me because I made a mistake

and it could/should have been avoided and you are helping me get

another chance to make things right. I want to say Thank you Thank

you Thank you but really I know I owe you much more. You are a good

person and all's I can say is that I wish you all the best in everything

that you do. You don't know what you have done for me, not just this

spell-that was a major part, but you also have opened up my eyes to a

lot of things I have been overlooking for pretty much all my life.thank

you ( I

Thank you all, Everything you have done is and will always be greatly


Kacy Daugherty

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on February 16, 2012:

Steph-- That is strange. I never had that problem. Though I did work with kids at the time, and got sick a lot, anyway.

StephB on February 15, 2012:

One thing they don't mention- if you marry a military guy, expect to get sick all the time! My guy gets sick all the time, and I always catch it too. Can't help but be close to him.

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on February 10, 2012:

Sarah-- I agree with you. I did point out that not all people in the military cheat, but that the military lifestyle makes it much more common, and the climate of the military is one of indifference to it. I applaud you and your husband for withstanding the temptation that is prevalent in the military lifestyle.

Sarah on February 09, 2012:

I would like to say that her story is very sad and I wish the best for her but I would also like to point out that it is the guys fault if they cheat it's not the military. Also it's not always the women cheat too! I am a marine wife and my husband has never cheated on me and I have never cheated on him and never will. We have been through a lot of training together and coming up on the second deployment. I think that if a husband truly loves his wife and vice versa there will be no cheating going on. My husband was deployed to japan where tons of the guys cheated but my husband called me every night and when ever possible. I just don't get why people automatically think that if a man is in the military they will cheat. Some men actually have values and principles. So you shouldn't assume they will all be cheaters

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on February 08, 2012:

KM-- I understand where your husband is coming from. There is an attitude in the military of "don't make waves, don't question anything, and do as you are told". I hope you and your husband are able to make it through all of the hardships you are having. Sounds like he comes from a difficult family life, which may contribute to his current behavior. Stress can often bring out the worst in people.

KM on February 07, 2012:

A big problem with the way the military is run right now is it perpetuates a culture of cheating. Spouses are separated from each other far too much, for a war that should have been over five years ago, and separated for "training" that could be done on the base itself. Also, some soldiers are treated much better than others, people like my husband get stuck doing everything and getting called in on their days off while everyone else gets to take days off work and training for silly things.

My husband takes his frustration from being so overworked out on me by yelling at me all the time, ignoring my needs, not caring when I'm unhappy, etc. I tell him he needs to stand up for himself, and he gives me this "you can't do that in the army" (yeah, you can. other people in his company get away with murder and have no consequences.) So he makes me the enemy instead of dealing with the problem itself. I've just about had it. Neither of us have cheated, but it's getting to the point where I don't want to be around him anymore.

You're lucky you had friends to help you through this. I have no one here. It would make it so much easier to have friends. As weird as it sounds, having a kid probably would have made it easier too, it would help the loneliness. Though I can't have a child right now- my husband's siblings are total psychopaths who will find any reason to hate everyone they meet (literally. they bully me and everyone else around them.), and I don't want to be held accountable for my child to have to see aunts and uncles who are emotionally unstable.

He's about to have his second deployment next year. I'll be surprised if we last that long, but if we do he'll be out of the military as soon as he gets back and we can try to build a normal life. The military sets marriages up for failure. A family should not be split up for years for a pointless occupation of another country, especially since we don't bother to defend our own borders. I knew what I was getting into when I got married. I thought it would all be worth it to be with my husband, and I've had a big let-down.

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on January 13, 2012:

jbug-- So many questions...LOL! If you live on base, you do get to see them every day, if they are not deployed, and if they aren't sent away for training. Sometimes military members get sent for training for weeks, even months. If you live off base, there is still a chance you would get to see them every day, depending on the situation. Sometimes, there is limited base housing, and you get an allowance to live off base. Depending on what you do in the health & science field, you may or may not get deployed. If you have medical training, you might get deployed as a medic, or to a base such as the air base in Germany, which has it's own hospital, but that is less of a deployment, and it is a duty station, instead, and you family would be able to come with, depending on the availability of housing, etc. Reservists do have to go to boot camp. They do still get deployed, as well. I am not sure on the pay and benefits, though. You do not have to live on base, but there is still a certain amount of time away from family. I hope this answers your questions. Feel free to stop back if you have any more.

jbug on January 13, 2012:

I was thinking about being in the reserve so how does that work. i know it's part time and you don't have to live on base. but hows the pay and benefits work.i heard you only go in one weekend a month and 2 weeks a year, do i still have to go to boot camp?

Jbug on January 13, 2012:

wow! these stories are crazy and sad. i would never want to go through something like this. But i do have a question. once you live on base with your family. do you get to see them they come home everyday?bcuz i know if you don't live on base with them then they live on their own and far from u right. so it's better to live together on base so you see more of each other. I heard ppl get deployed so if they do deploy then that's when your away for a time. My career choice is health and science do they deploy a lot? i am not the military but lately i cant stop thinking about maybe joining. i have children and i don't want them to grow up with me being there. they are my world.

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on January 11, 2012:

Miranda-- It can be hard to deal with those feelings of 'what if'. I can certainly sympathize. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Thanks for sharing-- I am very sorry to hear that.

Jennilicious-- Thank you for reading.

hopelessly lost-- Thank you for sharing your story. I can imagine how hard this all is for you. I have been there. I wish you the best, and I wish I had more words of advice for you.

joy-- I am not sure why your marriage is ending so soon after it started, but I wish you the best. As far as Afghanistan goes, there are women there, mostly other military women, but no, no strip clubs that I can imagine.

Mary-- I can imagine what she thought going through his phone and discovering that he was married. It must have been a shock to her. I am glad that you have found happiness through that tragedy in your life. All the best.

Brenda-- You have an interesting perspective. Some people can function with an open marriage, but it takes the right type of people. In most cases, people get too jealous.

Brenda on January 11, 2012:

Spending 20 years as an Air Force wife, I can say that few have not cheated in my opinion, including me. It has actually saved our marriage. I am sure he has cheated as well and we never discuss the subject. I can only say that sex is a very powerful thing and is difficult to deal with when the #1 is gone. I turned to others for comfort and found plenty who were willing including many men who were married. If the military kicked out every person who committed adultery, our military would be too small to operate.

Mary on January 08, 2012:

God, an amazing and hellish story that never changes very much every time I hear it. My first marriage, my husband and I were both Specialist's in the Army...Active Duty...and happy...until I got the call from a rather upset girl who had found my name in his cell phone well he was in the bathroom in her barracks I'm married to the man of my dreams, who happens to be the same Chaplin I went to see months after trying to deal with it all on my own. My enlistment time ended, and now we have two beautiful children.Everything happens for a reason.

joy on December 18, 2011:

as far as Afghanistan goes, my husband soon ex said he will have to go there....and we got talking about cheating he said there are no women there and no strip clubs either I kinda just laughed to myself...fill me in girls guys???

joy on December 18, 2011:

wow...thankyou to everyone...I was only married for 45days to military captain new there would be issues about deployment because of being apart and the need for closeness lets say in that time...are marriage is ending already {anullment}in the process now....after reading all the comments I'm glad to be getting out before the real heart goes out to all of you......

hopelessly lost on December 17, 2011:

I am in some what of a same situation and your story, I know what you went through I'm in it right now, we have been together for 11 years and have 4 children, I suspected something was going on before she left, but while she was gone our computer started acting wired, then fixed itself literally days after.she was supposed to be home from ait, well I found notes in her bag, which she denied, texting messages to people Nd calls when she told me she had to go or couldn't talk, she was always contacting us just before bed checks and saying she just got in, spending a lot of money on I have no idea, she came home with a lot of sexy lingerie saying it was for me, but she also told me that the sight of me disgusts her, and she can't stand to look at me. I would fall asleep in her arms to wake up to her texting these guys and her saying I was just playing with my phone, the smile she would get when they text , I couldn't even make her smile like that anymore,.and i still feel that there is something going on, cause she always threatens to stay where she is at and not come home for the holidays, saying that its my fault for her not coming home. I found her on some websites that are of not the family orientated ones if you know what I mean. I noticed a lot of military personell on these sites as well. That's my story in a nutshell, and confused on what I should do.

Jennilicious on December 15, 2011:

Thank you for sharing this story.

Thanks for sharing on December 12, 2011:

My daughter just found out that her military husband had been cheating on her while in Afghanistan.

Miranda on December 11, 2011:

I have been a military wife for over 4 1/2 years now. I have remained faithful to my husband during deployments, classes, and whatever else takes him away from me. I would like to think that he has been too. We just got to Korea where he had been by himself for 7 months. Can't get rid of this feeling like he maybe cheated. But I think if I ask him he will probably tell me no even if he had. Separations and babies make it so hard to maintain a happy marriage. We were doing good there for awhile...but I feel like we could split up soon if something doesn't change.

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on December 10, 2011:

Lainey-- This isn't meant to scare people. I am sorry if I scared you. It's always best to go into a situation knowing all the potential risks, though.

just another...-- I have known several couples where both partners were military. Some did well, and some did not.

smzclark-- I know that the peer pressure puts additional strain on couples. Buddies encourage men to cheat, girlfriends encourage women to cheat, and everyone looks the other way. It is hard to maintain a healthy relationship in an environment like that.

smzclark from cheshire on December 08, 2011:

my husband was in the military (before we were married). he spent months in ireland and iraq and went away training often, but i know he never cheated. i'm not saying that you're not right about all that you husband often spoke about how all but one of his friends in the military cheated on their partners and tried encouraging him to cheat on me! military life definitely tests the strength of all relationships. it's sad but true.

just another military ex-wife on December 08, 2011:

Wow, this was nearly my exact same experience except that I was initially also active duty. Such a sad consequence of the military culture...

Lainey on December 08, 2011:

I did not need to read spouse is joining in January and I am so terrified. I can only hope to god that things wont be like that....

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on December 07, 2011:

2893-- Don't let this story scare you. Every situation is different, and my story may not be the same as yours. Don't end your relationship based on this. Give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt for now. If he hasn't done anything, you should stick by him. He is going to need you right now, and if he hasn't done anything to deserve you breaking up with him, then give him a chance. If your concern is over being able to handle a military lifestyle, you should talk with him about that.

2893 on December 05, 2011:

I had so much faith in my boyfriend & I. . I was doing so well than this ruined everything. . I feel so depressed. . idk if this set me up or its making me leave before it's to late. . He leaves for bootcamp on the 13th

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on December 01, 2011:

Joe-- Sadly, I have known women just like the one you described. They didn't care what they did. I also knew men like that, as well. I knew a man, who upon learning of my ex's upcoming deployment, called dibs on me and another girl, right in front of him. I was appalled at this, at the time, thinking everything was fine with my marriage. Of course, this wasn't the case.

Airmangirl-- Don't just go not trusting him. Talk to him. It may be more innocent than you think. It may not be, but you won't know until you talk to him. Explain that his change in behavior is bothering you, and you want to make sure that everything is still fine between you. Don't accuse, or get angry. Try to remain calm and talk to him without attacking him. You are more likely to get an honest answer if you approach it in a way that won't make him defensive. Tell him how his behavior makes you feel. He may just be relishing in this freedom, much like college students do once they are free from the constraints of high school and their parents. I hope things work out well for the both of you.

Airmangirl on December 01, 2011:

My boyfriend is currently in the military, before he left to basic training we had plans to get married and he knew what he wanted in life. He's currently in school learning his job and well lets just say ive noticed changes in his attitude. He has days where he's super sweet and says that he cant wait to see me and there are days where he is totally distant.

When he was home he never went out, partied, he just hung out with me and it was always about me. Now since they have weekends off he goes and parties, goes to the club, and drinks which he's never done before. In a way i understand since all that is new to him, he has friends there which he's always around whereas here he never hung out with friends. We've been together for almost four years, he's my high school sweetheart and my first love :( Even though im only 19 i have matured faster than most girls my age and i was ready for marriage. Even though he still talks to me everyday and says he loves me, i feel like when he settles into his base and starts getting deployed things will change drastically. I dont want to loose him, but after reading this im just not sure what's going to happen.

Joe on December 01, 2011:

Sadly, the culture of cheating in the military goes both ways. I've apparently been blessed with better duty stations in the past, but I arrived for the first time at an infantry base a few months ago and was appalled at the city around us.

My first time going out to a local pub, I met a military spouse, her husband of four children deployed. "What I relief" I thought to myself, sitting in a strange bar in a new city, "A fellow military person. Someone safe to talk with and learn about the city." Fast forward about an hour later, and I'm cashing out and thanking her for the nice conversation... and then she suggests I stay. I tell her I'm pretty well set for drinking and shouldn't... and she tells me just what could happen if I -did- stay.

I left, glad in a cowardly fashion that I'd never gotten the name of her husband so I didn't have to think about finding him. Sadly, though, that story wasn't a rare exception... it seems to be par for the course in this town. A lot of soldiers seem perfectly fine with trying to court married women, and just as many spouses seem perfectly fine with being the aggressors as well. I don't even like leaving base here anymore... I usually come back disgusted.

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on November 28, 2011:

Snowbell-- Your story is truly heartwrenching. I am sorry for what has happened to you. I can relate all too well. Thank you for sharing your story.

Samantha-- Your mom is giving you some wise advice. It may not be necessary to wait to get married until he is out of the military, he may decide to re-enlist. It is a wise idea to wait until you are sure you really know each other. Being so young, you do have a lot of time to really get to know each other, and even more importantly, get to know yourselves. A life as a military spouse is not an easy life, even under the best of circumstances.

somemarine-- thank you for all of your wonderful comments. I appreciate you keeping tabs on this humble little story of mine. I just hope I am able to do some good with the experiences I have had. It can be very scary to be in a strange place all alone. I wish you all the best.

smzclark-- Thank you for your insightful comment. I can understand how difficult being married to an ex-military man could be. I agree with you that the men that cheat are often trying to get away from themselves for a while.

Christina-- My heart goes out to you. I am sorry. Leaving everything you know and love behind for someone else, only to have it end in a nightmare is a terrible thing to deal with. You have no one to turn to, and no help for thousands of miles. I have been there.

Melissa-- Thank you for the link, and for the great response to my story!! I will include a link to your response on this page, aside from the comment you left. It was great to read!!

MarineWife-- That can be especially hard having him cheat on you with someone in his own shop. He still has to see her every day, you have to see her at various military functions, and the fact that his superiors told you flat out that there was nothing you could is terrible, and they were wrong to say that. There was a lot you could have done. I hope things work out well for you.

Danielle-- Thank you for your comment. It is hard on military members and spouses.

anon-- Military bases are like small towns...rumors and even truths travel faster than a high-tech jet. The story you tell is similar to one I knew of when my ex was in the military. Her husband was deployed, she got involved with another military member, claiming she was already divorced. It was a terrible situation.

Army Veteran-- Truthfully, there is very little you can do. You aren't there, and even if her NCO did say something to the men that are hitting on her, that doesn't mean that it would stop them from doing what they are doing. You can't control every situation your wife will be in. If you trust her, that is all you can do. If you don't trust her, well, then you already have problems.

VLO-- Thank you for reading. It is quite common for military members and spouses to be separated, depending on the circumstances. Seems after all that time, you should have little to worry about. If you haven't found proof of cheating by now, either he is really careful, or he just isn't cheating.

Dollpalace-- I agree. Not everyone will cheat. I am glad that you have such a strong and healthy relationship. Keep it up.

mel-- That is terrible!! My heart goes out to you. I wish there were something I could say to ease your pain.

painless-- It seems as if she is regretting what she did and that you are both working on getting back to a healthy place in your relationship. I hope all goes well for both of you.

ginger-- Your story is all to familiar. At least you were able to see the signs before things got too serious, like marriage, children, etc. It is terrible that when someone cheats, they often project their own behavior onto their partner. I hope things are better for you now.

Dusey-- I applaud your decision to stay with your husband. If mine had only cheated once, I could have forgiven it, but it became a pattern of behavior that I could no longer tolerate. Considering your story, I think you made the right decision.

Melissa-- I agree that it is possible to find a faithful partner, even in the military. I have a very good friend who met her husband one day, moved in with him the next, and married him a month later. Strange as that story is, they have been together for 15 years and neither has cheated on the other, so it is possible.

Melissa on November 27, 2011:

I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 7.5 years. We have been through multiple deployments and other separations, I can say confidently that my husband has never strayed, nor have I. It is not denial. It is who we are.

Infidelity is absolutely a part of the military culture, but it is not impossible to find a faithful partner either. From my perspective, I find that if you let your expectations known from day 1, then it can greatly have an impact on the relationship. From the day of our first meeting, my husband knew if he stepped outside of our relationship that it would be our last day in one. Six months or sixty years. If he cheats on me, we are done. That is not a risk he was willing to take, nor did he want to.

We work to keep our marriage strong. We do not drink, which I believe leads to a lot of inappropriate behaviors. Furthermore, we are open books. He knows all of my passwords, and I know his. A person with something to hide, does.

Bottom-line is that any marriage can be at risk. It is generally more accessible within the military due to the distance often times. However, military marriages can also thrive and flourish, but it takes work and commitment. Nine years and two kids later, my husband and I are still very much in love.

Dusey... on November 23, 2011:

Hi.. I was once a military wife.. He did cheat.. but with someone outside the military with a who cares type of person..He never wanted me to find out..He just wanted to play once like his buddies.. I never cheated back... I guess I decided not to for my own sake not his... We had two too many kids.. I decided to forgive him and we stayed together until his death in 1998.. we had been married 16 years with five kids. all under the age of 14 when he died at age 33... I want to say Oh well and I should have divorced him.. But I am glad we stayed together. I wish I still had him here with me.. I know this goes on in the military.. I guess While in Germany with him I could have gone out with the other wives and put myself in that situation. But chose not to.. Not judging anyone that did go out and party.. just not for me.. Oh and by the way the women over there while their husbands were in Iraq were banned from at least two Bars that I know of. Even though I did not go out. My friend and next door neighbor did and I remember them bashing the other wives that made a bad name for them and got them all banned..I personally thought it a little one sided cause the men cheated too, but I had no control over it..I just stayed away from the Drama. I love your story.. and think it very accurate.. Thank you and take care. Glad you found the right guy and you are happy now

ginger on November 23, 2011:

Really enjoyed reading this story, having been in a crazy place myself. Had a short (6 months) but very serious relationship with a soldier,which I felt I had no choice to end. Both of us are in our late 20s and thought this was the real deal.Unfortunately we met in the 6 month lead up to him being deployed. Have to say I utterly disagree with the woman making comments about maybe the men cheat if wives/girlfriends arent in shape...I have a degree, career and without sounding arrogant, know that I am not short of attention. Everything started out perfect with my guy, we come from the same home town and both of us agreed after a few months that we wanted a house, kids the lot...trouble started when he went back to his base...There would be nights when his phone was permanently off..random (but incredibly attractive) girls would suddenly be added to his facebook from the area the base is in....(there was always an explanation and every girl was a "friend". ) At the same time he would get insanely jealous if I went out with girlfriends to the point that he said I would be "dumped" if I went ahead with a planned night out with the girls for my birthday...anyway, when he came home on summer leave (4 weeks before deployment) everything was wonderful for a week (i arranged a weekend away, went to a real effort)...then the unbearable behaviour began... he would look at me funny and say I was "planning his life for him!!", be critical of the same time he was helping cover up for one of his best friends (also a soldier) who was juggling 3 women. Yes this did make me insecure, but I think understandably so...then he pushed me away further and further, boasted about looking forward to the deployment, was seen in bars with ex girlfriends, mysteriously met other women whilst I was at work...I ended the realtionship at this point, heartbroken and in disbelief at how it had unravelled... of course I was the bad guy for "abandoning a soldier before tour"......since then ive had a lot of emails from him out there begging for another chance....I honestly believe that not knowing how to deal with being deployed and what happened in previous tours led to some of his behaviour...yes I am not perfect but did feel pushed to the limit..I will always love him, but the trust went and dont think I can risk ever being treated like that again.....x

painless on November 19, 2011:

I'm active duty and after two years of being apart, my wife waited until we were together to cheat on me. She couldn't stand the shift-work I was doing now that I wasn't deployed. She went out with friends, and it ended up that some of those nights included some guys around. she didn't intend on cheating on me, but alcohol makes people do bad things. The guy kept pressuring her all night to go back to his place and she kept saying no. She apparently got tired of saying no and late in the night said yes. She felt dirty and lost and crazy the next day and didn't know what she should do, so she started an affair that didn't last more than a couple weeks until I noticed something wrong and confronted her. She still went and did crazy unthinkable things for another week until she came to her senses. Here I am almost two years later and I'm still messed up in the head. I can't get over it. We've four kids and I didn't want to leave them. My wife is also completely remorseful and she is actually a much better person than before all this. She is less selfish and more caring, but it still hurts and I go through depressive episodes everyday. There is no longer any change for me to get promoted and I'm just hanging on, hoping I can make the three more years until retirement, and hoping that I can love my wife like I used to. It feels like its coming back, so there is hope. I know what it's like to be cheated on. I would not wish that on anyone, and as long as I am married, I will uphold my vows.

mel on November 19, 2011:

I have been married 19 years. I just found out that he has a girlfriend who is pregnant. He just left for a tour overseas. He has filed for divorce, but won't be final until 6 months. Since he has been gone, I received bills in the mail showing all of the money he spent on her, including the bill for the ultrasound. He also signed a lease with her for an apartment in another state. He just received top secret security clearance for his job at the embassy overseas. This is very difficult to deal with, but coping. I would not wish this on my worst enemy, but it does help to know that I am not alone.

MarineWIfe on November 16, 2011:

I think its great that you wrote this. A lot of people don't realize when getting into this lifestyle that you are moving into a cheating society. I have been married to my husband for 4 years and thank god we have remained faithful and can still communicate and be happy. There are so many good and normally honest people that cheat. you have to be strong and really honor your vows to make it. When I first moved her I hated women that cheated, then I realized it was a 2-way thing here. I don't agree with cheating but I def. see why a lot of good people end up doing it. For half it is not that they don't love their spouse it is the lonliness. The other half do it for the thrill of getting away with it. Not trying to be mean or offend anyone. That is what I have seen firsthand so far.

Dollpalace on November 13, 2011:

I also have a boyfriend who now is an ex soldier,I never planned to meet a man in the military,he was 21 and I was 18...6 years on we are still together,he has never cheated on me,he stopped drinking when he met me,not that I asked him because I did drink a bit and go out,he just stopped,he got rid of he's army girl mates,even though I never asked lol he just told me they were not happy for him and they didn't like were I was from,anyway he just let them go. I mean my point is he never gave me any signs that he cheated or would do it. He truly loves me and works hard for our future. He said loads of men in the army had to deal with their girlfriends cheating on them while they were away. My boyfriends ex did the same to him when he was in Iraq. These men cry he said and I guess it works both ways. Course I have been paranoid about him cheating on me but I tell him my feelings all the time and same with him,he gets worried I will get bored or not wait around. That was when he was in the Army but now he's in Iraq again only doing another job security,am not worried because I know he wouldn't do anything,and the fact women don't do the job he does anyway lol but even when he was doing another job he tells me a woman wanted him to have her number and he said no thanks. So I have trust for him :-) Not everyone cheats I guess...Just I know even if he did cheat on me then it would be he's loss and I'd move on because I'd like to think am a strong woman. Reading some of these stories is very sad but just know not every military man or woman will cheat. Most important thing is to have your own life,be supportive as much as you can and things will be ok. Men or women want support especially if they are away,I gave my boyfriend support,didn't stress him out and in return he has shown me commitment and has made loads of effort to keep in contact when he was away.

VLO on November 09, 2011:

Thank You, for your dedication to this blog. I have been a military spouse for over 24years and always suspected this, however, my situation never allowed us to travel with him. He always went on PC orders

Army Veteran on November 07, 2011:

I have to say I was married while i was in the Army my 1st wife cheated on me with 7 different men while I was Deployed which 2 of them were NCO on Rear D i have to say they got kicked out of the military under JMCJ action due to the fact that my ex wife had her friend record her having sex with these 2 NCO and her Friend told me she felt guilty for recording my wife and the NCO and felt bad for me and the pain i was going through so she gave me the tape and i watched and was shocked on what i was seeing she was having sex with one of them while she was on the phone with me while i was deployed so i gave the tape to my commander and pressed charges and they got kicked out of the military and while that was happening i got a divorce i found it fun that they escorted her off post in the back of a MP patrol car as the MP took her off post he looked at her and said there the corner maybe some buddy will pick up for a buck the MP was a buddy of mine by the way. But what i have to say now is more for advice now that i am on the other side i am happily remarried and my WIfe joined the Army she has just completed Basic Training and is in AIT doing her in processing she calls me every night and we talk for hours but she tell me all the guys are hitting on her now and she has asked them to stop and she has gone to the NCO there and there not doing anything about it they tell her to deal with it and that boys will be boys and to think nothing of it so the question is there anything i can do about this i have been out of the Army for 5 years now so i know a lot has changed any advice would be great my wife is very loyal she lost 35 lbs in basic training and went from a a size 15 pant to a size 6 pant and she looks really good i have to say but she doesn't like the attention from the other males who are only looking at her for sexual entertainment she stay to her berriks room just so she doesn't have to deal with it and she is on the phone with me every night until she falls asleep and we have web cam also so i know i can trust her so is ther anything i can do to stop these guys

anon on November 07, 2011:

Living on base, you get to know MORE THAN YOU EVER wanted to know about people's include adultery. I don't know that anyone is immune from it b/c I have seen junior enlisted, senior officers, civilians and spouses. I expected this from people who were there w/o their families, but I see it w/ people there WITH their spouses as well. It's hard to say whether it happens more often or whether we just HEAR about it more often.

I know of an active duty servicemember currently on her 3rd marriage. She and 2nd husband went overseas a few years ago, he to a ship. People going to the ship were warned in advance that the deployment schedule was very hard on marriages. While he is deployed, she has an affair with another servicemember. Neighbors thought that they were divorced already. They were shopping at the store and she was making dates in front of her husband. "I have a problem, but he'll be deployed on Thursday." They have a long drawn out divorce and needed to return to court b/c she refused to provide a passport for their child. She lied to him about being married even though the pictures are on Facebook and her last name is changed (AGAIN).

I wonder if karma will come around to her for her nasty ways. Even though it took them years to get divorced, she is remarried within months. If you cheat, are you more likely to cheat again? If your spouse and you get together while you are still legally married to someone else, how can you build a foundation of fidelity to one another?

Danielle on November 06, 2011:

It is interesting just how much military spouses or military members have in common. I am a military spouse, and I am happy to say that my husband will be out soon. No more deployments. But it has been a year since he's been home. Cheating is just one of the 10,000 things a spouse must go through alone in an unknown place, with no support group except the mostly unloyal people who are putting on an act to "fit in"....just saying. Your post is sad, not uncommon, not shocking. I can totally relate.

MarineWife7373 on November 06, 2011:

this is the story of what seems like 1 in 4 military wives.

my husband cheated on me with a female marine in his shop and his higher-ups did nothing. in fact they protected both of them. my husbands gunny told me to my face that everyone does it, there is no sure thing as an emotional affair and to get over it.

since then i have felt alienated by everyone in his shop. i never believed the saying "if the miltary wanted you to have a wife they would have issued you one" until my husband cheated on me.

my husband and i are working on things but i am counting down the 2 years until he is out.

Melissa Sipin on November 04, 2011:

I just really want to say a big "thank you" to Anna for this fantastic blog. I wrote a rather long response to it on my blog, I hope (Anna) you can read it one day. I went through something similar, but it was before the Navy, and I can say now that it was one of the most devastating events of my young life. But, years later, I can see how my husband has changed and we are surviving his affair. That Navy makes it harder, as its environment is conducive to affairs/cheating, but I still believe there can be relationships that do work out. It takes a helluva lot more work for a military marriage to work, but it's the same as any other marriage too.

Thanks again. I really appreciate your story and the comments here on this blog. It has been enlightening for my own experience.



Christina on November 03, 2011:

Your story touched my heart...I so understand..becouse I am going through the same right now...I am 23 years old and German.

I packed up my life and left my friends and family behind, moved across the ocean to a different world to be with the love of my ended in a nightmare...I am back in germany now, I only came back with one bag and my dog and deal with the pain day by day and have a hard time to find myself back in the "normal life" :(

smzclark from cheshire on November 02, 2011:

you may've got off lucky. being married to ex-military can be even more frustrating---they leave with sooo much baggage! your 'military man' would have eventually turned ex-military. my experience has taught me that these men aren't trying to get away from their woman, but they are trying to get away from themselves for a short while. they want to forget everything they've been through and pretend to be someone different if just for one night. so to all the military spouse's who've been cheated on, i can say with confidence that it's not anything you've done or not done, it's much more likely to be something that he's done or not done that he wants to escape. on November 01, 2011:

ive only been married a short time 5 months im 19 and ive given up everything i no to be with my husband im in germany now and when we first got married we got put in the welfare flat for 4months and then the day we got our new house they sent him back to the uk for a month on exercise and that was horrible i didn't no anybody and i was alone in a place were we wa ment to be together he went out on the weekends when he was on excerise i did feel very insecure but i understand were your coming from sort of cuz we've both been there a few year ago but its true your story happens to so many different wifes/husbands its unreal thank you for putting it up

somemarine on November 01, 2011:


I want to apologize to you for what ever military member has wronged you or your loved ones in a way that you would hold us all with such contempt. The truth is the military is not perfect there is no sure way to weed out all the bad ones before they get in but the majority of the men and women who serve are good people.

please do not condemn us all for the sins of a few the same way we do not condemn all civilians for what a small number of them do. Does rape happen in the military yes i am sorry to say but it also happens in the civilian life too you should look up collage rape studies more people are raped in collage by civilians than all of the military cases combined its every where

please do not stop what you are doing

we need people like you shedding light on the bad situation so that we can do something to change them i just ask that you not have such a narrow minded out look on it attack the bad parts not the whole military and i just thought you might like to know all branches of the military have a zero tolerance policy on rape and have an on going campaign to combat it and every military member is required to attend annual awareness classes

somemarine on November 01, 2011:

Anna Marie Bowman thank you for reading my post i just wanted to let you know i am not a commander i am an enlisted marine i was a 19 years lance corporal old when i got my first group of marines and i started mentoring marines under me. Thank you again

misslace on October 28, 2011:

Your story and other peoples comments have helped me a lot but I am so sorry for what happened to you and you are a strong woman for getting through it and so glad you're happy now. I come from a military family and while my dad who was in the Marines was deployed and came home he and my mom struggled for their relationship and they separated but are finally happy now together. My high school sweet heart and I have been together for 2 and a half years now, we are only 19 but thats beside the point. He left to boot for the Marines came back we spent every second together and he recently left to MCT. Every doubt in my mind has occurred since he became a Marine and this lifestyle scares me to death although we aren't married. While he was at boot they tell them DO NOT GET MARRIED like someone said on a previous comment. My dad warned the same thing. We have talked about marriage and the tactics about waiting and really finding out if this is the life for 'us' as a couple are what we are going to live by. We also let God into our relationship and began going to church together and are aware of all the things that could happen and he told me straight up that girls will throw themselves at him(we already experienced this during his 10 day boot leave) he told me that there are going to be temptations put in front of the both of us on this journey but if we stay strong and lean on God to give us strength we can do this and stay always faithful. The Marines have taught him honor, courage, and commitment and he takes it to heart and wants to represent the Marine Corps well. There are so many stories of cheating military spouses it scares me and really gives me doubts but not all of them are like that, there are good men and women out there and i believe that. It depends on the person not just military but anyone in general and the intergity they hold. I may be young and it might make me sound somewhat naïve but it has helped me get through everything so far. Best of luck to you and take care!

Semper Fi

amish on October 27, 2011:

To bad something cannot be done about the cheating wife

Samantha on October 25, 2011:

im only 18 years old and my boyfriend just went to bootcamp a week ago. Before he left he told me only 3 months and we can get married. My mom made me promise her that I wouldn't get married until he was out in 4 years. Its really hard to keep a promise like that when your so sad, and lonely, but this has helped me see the reality, and will help me really think about it. I know not everyone cheats, but the deployment does happen to majority. Thank you .

Snowbell on October 24, 2011:

Hi, This is such a sad story. I can relate to this. My husband got deployed in 2007. It was a fast deployment. I cried and cried. The entire time he was in Iraq. I was crazy in love with my husband. I'm still torn apart and now have fibromyalsia from the stress he put me through. My husband had been running up skype phone bills and a wireless phone up talking to a woman in CA. I went through the bills each month and this number was one the bill so many times. I knew something was going on. I was always ready to take his call he called me but not thousands of dollars a month in phone bills. His bill was 1800.00-2000 a month. I was sick. I did not get one penny when he left for Iraq I had no healthcare nothing. He went off in his this other life as if everything was okay. Well I was told to drive from Missouri to WI to visit him and possibly pick him up and take him home after Iraq deployment one year later. I drove all the way up there 600 miles to get my husband. This was all before I found out he was cheating but I knew something just was not right. I have two kids at home two that I take care of. Well I take him home back to MO. He goes into his office gets on the computer and finishes his limo rental and hotel stay for a month in CA. I seen it on the computer when he walked out of the room. He even planned all of this with his parents knowing. They said I would get upset. Hell ya I'm mad. What woman would not think there husband is cheating leaving for 1 month. I'm way smarter than this crap. He tells me he is going to leave for 30 days to find a job. We live in MO not CA. This was crap. Well I go crazy, Im emotional find out there was several phone relationships pulling up numbers off the bills. I called them and asked how do you know Brian Arnold. They would say who? He was using a name Von. A prince from a Germany. I knew right away my husband was bipolar and had a mental problem. Im so upset typing this. What I'm trying to say is that he has ruined my body emotions, nerves. I could never trust anyone again. I'm so ashamed in my husband. The Army did nothing to him when I asked for help with his cheating. Nothing, they did not even call me back. I went to a counslor from military one source they had called the chaplin. They did not return his call at all. The Army is not there for spouses when they need it. Yes you can get free advise but this does not fix things. I'm married to a crazy military mentally abusive man.

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on October 23, 2011:

Lord_Ba'al-- I have been replying to this for three years. I reply to all the comments I receive on all of my articles. I respond because there are others who can learn from my experiences, who have questions, or who just need someone to talk to. I have moved on from it, but I do know that there are others who are currently dealing with the same thing I went through years ago. It makes me feel good to know that I can help others.

Lord_Ba'al on October 22, 2011:

I don't want this to come off as offensive but you have been replying to this almost religiously for 3 years. I think this did more psychological damage to you than you may understand. You might want to take the opportunity to evaluate what happened and not only emotionally but mentally move on from it. I do wish you the best.

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on October 22, 2011:

AFTxAngel-- It seems as if you and your husband have things figured out. What works for you both may not work for others, though. I appreciate you sharing your story. It can be a hard road, and I wish you all the best.

AFTxAngel from Germany on October 21, 2011:

I have only been married a week so I am a BRAND NEW military wife. When my hubby and I first started dating he had an issue with talking to other girls. (I didn't know until later down the road thanks to him accidentally leaving his facebook open) I left him, but we were miserable without each other. He wrote me a month or so after we were separated telling me that he missed me, and he didn't realize how much I supported him and pushed him to do better. He had been moved to a new base and learning a new job (went from being security force to RTC instructor) We started things up again but slowly. I was still hurt from the previous events (not all named here my story would be too long) and had a hard time letting go and moving forward. He had to show me multiple ways that he had changed. He eventually had to give up old habits and (sadly) stop talking to his mom. She raised him thinking it was ok to date multiple girls, and that there was no reason that he should ever settle down.I only know this because he stopped talking to her and she sent me a lengthy hate email. I moved with him to his current base and stayed with him a few months before we decided to get married. I needed to see how he acted around me in his new surroundings and nothing was the same as it was before. I strongly believe with my whole being that he truly changed. It took us working together to figure out why he was doing the things he did. We do everything together and nothing alone. It might sound a bit extreme but it is what works for us. We go out with friends and have BBQ's at our house, but we spend the majority of our time just the two of us. We went through so much when we were dating that we have figured out what works for us as a couple. Some may say it is just because we are newly weds and blah blah blah. I know it is because we have already been through so much that we have figured out what needs to be done to make it work. It is still a work in progress of course. Being a military spouse is a love/hate relationship and it takes constant work. Temptation is everywhere and communication is a must. My heart always goes out when I see couples going through something like this. It takes a strong heart to decide what the best thing to do is... be it staying together or separating for good. It is sad that military couples have so much to be weary of because we know all to well just how precious our time is with our loved ones. I like reading others experiences that are both good and bad. It gives me strength and reminds me to stay true to myself and not just curl up in a little ball and give up or give in. :)

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on October 20, 2011:

jen-- I agree with you!!! There is no good reason to cheat, and if a man is going to cheat, he is going to cheat.

Jessica-- Living so far from my family was hard on me as well. I am very close to my family, and recently moved back to be closer to them, as well. Having a support structure makes things much easier.

Taha-- Thank you for reading. And I am enjoying life a lot more now, thank you.

grace-- I have received a large number of negative comments on several of the articles I have written. I always try to respond with a certain amount of courtesy and class, even when others do not. Thank you!!

renae-- Cheated with your younger sister? That is terrible!!! I would never have forgiven my ex if he had done that. One of my exes often talked about that sort of thing, and that is one of the reasons he is now my ex. I am glad you have used this as a learning experience, and have been able to grow and be a happier person. I wish you all the best.

renae on October 19, 2011:

Just wanted to comment on this story. I just turned 21and am currently going through divorce. Was a proud marine wife no kids. Married my high school sweetheart. Unfortunately, shortly after marrying. He cheated on me with my younger sister... stupid me took him back. Only to read text messages in his phone. He was trying to "hook up" with a woman in San Diego. That was it for me... the last draw was just last month. He got out honorably discharged. He left me high and dry to pay rent in Oceanside and everything else on my part time job. He went back home. I was scared about to lose everything... he transferred his unemployment. Checks to another add and I was SOL.... all of this hurt in 2 hrs. Who knew ppl could be so cruel. I have since moved back with family. And karma became his enemy.. I never signed the renewal lease for the apartment. He did! So there is hope out there. And I have since learned to trust men a bit and am a happier and stronger person :)

grace on October 19, 2011:

Ann, We had ex-husbands types in common. Like you I have a great life now. I regret nothing because it ended better for me and my son. I love your responds to smdh, it was graceful and high class. I wish I could do that, but I can't. smdh I bet I know what you wear as you prance around that base you live on!!!!!

Taha on October 19, 2011:

Thanks Anna-Marie.It was interesting story.Anyway,keep on to enjoy with you life!;-)

Jessica Andersen on October 19, 2011:

I enjoyed reading your story. I am a marine wife and am going through the same thing. I have been with the same man for almost 5 years, two of wich have been since he has been military. I know how it feels to live so far from friends and family and have no one close to talk to. I will be moving back home in two weeks..

jen on October 18, 2011:

To the woman who said was talking about us military wive keeping in shape.

Yes men will be men. Everyone has a type and yes say us girls get out of shape and are all down on ourselves for the way we look. It is still no reason to cheat or lie. There is no good reason to cheat. If you are going to stray then maybe the relationship wasn't meant to work.

I go on long hikes with my husband. Our life together isn't perfect. We have our good days and bad days. We do a lot together. I have my flaws and he has his. I am misstrustfull and he lies (in his mind to keep me happy)

this is still no reason for him to do what he does. I take a shower before he gets home. Put on a nice dress or sexy outfit to try and spice things up. When he is feeling down about is physical shape i compliment him and try to do more active things with him. Yes i have my bad days when i find out he has been lying and i get on him. But all in all i try to show him how much i love him. I want this to work. I love him. I look up to him. I am proud of the good things he has done in life.

But the way you put things is wrong. Yes there is two sides to every story. I am sure some of these women did some wrong on there part. Maybe they weren't supportinve enough. Maybe they let themselves go and were selfconsious and pushed there negative image of themselves on there spouse. Maybe they were to jellouse but still it takes two to tango. Its not all our faults. If there man isn't doing there part to make the relationship work like us women do then they have to take some blame to. Like i said before there is no good reason to cheat, even if we are nagging and out of shape that is no good reason.

Sorry just wanted to put my two sense out there...

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on October 18, 2011:

Eash-- I find what you said very interesting and also very telling...I am sorry that all women are not doormats. What you said basically told me that if my husband were to come home, suffering from PTSD, and beat the crap out of me, or even killed me, it would be my fault.

somemarine-- I am so glad that you posted this. I think that more military commands could learn something from you. Thank you for sharing that.

trisha-- I agree, it isn't for everyone. I enjoyed it, and if I had been married to someone who hadn't cheated on me, I think I would have liked it a lot more.

Brittany-- Give your husband the benefit of the doubt. If he hasn't done anything up to this point, at least give him a chance. At least you will be going in with your eyes open to the dangers, but don't let those hold you back. Similar to riding a bike, don't let the fear of falling down keep you from something great.

rb-- I wish you the best of luck. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive him and make things work.

katie-- Thank you for sharing the links. I will check them out.

jen-- It sounds as if your relationship has had more than its fair share of rough patches. I hope things work out for the both of you.

smdh-- I will ignore the blatantly bad writing and focus on the message behind it. You remind me of someone else I know. Someone very shallow, who only focuses on appearances. While I agree it is important to look good for your spouse, I do not feel that something so shallow could be the source of a man's need to cheat.

smdh on October 18, 2011:

Look after reading this i got a huge headache. Ladies not all men are going to do that ! I am a military wife and never had that experience. You know why? Because i do what i am supposed to. I mean a lot of u are coming on this site and telling your sides when i know for a fact that there are two sides to every story. Maybe it was something you did. Now i many of you dont want to hear this but its true! Like for instence were you guys keeping yourselves in shape? Was he coming home to a sexy mother and wife or a hot mess. Dont be mad im speaking the truth. He is human not superman and as human we make mistakes. Were you givijg him a hard time or were you showing him a strong powerful women. I bet half of yall were acting just as needy and pathetic as can be! Be a women guys want what tgey cant have if you were acting strong and bringing positive vybes once he got home trust me he wouldn't b going anywhere. Keep yourself sexy,fly, nd make sure your sex life is the s#!% and all you new wives, try not to get pregnant until the time is right! Cuz then you will end up as the steroetyped baby military momma who might go into a deep depression nd rely on her man for everything. Get a degree create a hobby go out with friends anything to have fun nd b yourself while he is gone. If you are constantly thinking he will cheat you will b miserable. Dnt have a pity party! Join a gym partake in a new culture!!!! Something. A successful relationship can happen! But it starts with u he will have enough to worry about dnt bring no drama!!!

jen on October 18, 2011:

Life as a military spouse can be really hard to handle. I met my husband when i was 15. he was 16 going on 17. Five months after he turned 17 he joined the army. He gave me a ring and told me that we could make it through this. He stole a cell phone in basic and called me now and then. Then one day the calls stopped and the letter came. He broke my heart in a letter. After a year i finally moved on. I tried dating but nothing was even close to what i felt for him. Then one saturday morning i heard the phome ring before my mom said anything i knew it was him. She told me she gave him my number and he was going to call. I took him back and we were happy for awhile. I was 17 he was 19 and he flew me to see him on the weekends. We were young we had another break up but we wound up getting back together when i turned 19. We were planning on getting married in a month. Then i found out who he really was. He was on the balcony with his friend. I over heard is conversation. He was bragging about cheating on me when we were younger. I yelled at him but he had a way with words. I went through with the marriage only to find out how messed up he really was. His second deployment really messed him up. He had a bad drinking problem i was afraid his anger would turn to violence toward me so i left. After a year we tried again. I was living with my parents and so we decided to try the long distance thing. It worked for awhile but then he found a new addiction. We both cheated got through it and i decided to move in for awhile till he deployed. We had a confession session and i told him everything i ever did that i lied about and he sorta did the same. he ended up not deploying because of an injury so we had more time. It has been a rocky road and im still not sure if its going to work. He started lying to me about everything and i broke down. He is getting better on that but i dont know if i will ever fully trust him again. Then suddenly he developed a porn addiction and now we are going to marriage counceling. We have our first appointment this week. I dont know if we will make it. I want it to work. He is the love of my life. I have always ran when things got tough but this time i have to see it through. Military life is difficult. I know the divorce rate in the military is a lot higher than in the civilian world. There are very few to make it work. I just hope that I can be one of those lucky few because i would be lost with out him. The pain this has caused is worth it if we can make it through this. I know what you have all been through. I know the pain it can cause you. I know how this can stick with you even after it is over.

Katie on October 16, 2011:

Regarding the military rape accusations, I cannot bring my friends here to testify.

Anyway, here are some links regarding these issues:


I hope this is an eye opener.

rb on October 16, 2011:

I am a military wife, and yes the story you said its sounds just like mine. I just pass through that expierence, and I decided to give my husband another chance, first it was for my kids( i have 2) than i decided that i still love him. But there is no day that I ask myself if this is really gonna work, and there are even days that i cry and anger starts flowing through my vains. This november he is deploying and i just dont know how its gonna come out. Sometimes i feel scared but other days i just really want him to do it again for me to leave him because we agreed not to bring back the past, but i am not sure if that past its not in the present now. When someone asks me where does my husband works, i am embarrased to say that he is in the military, instead of beeing proud i feel embarrased. I am proud of his achivements but i dont like being a military wife.

Brittany on October 14, 2011:

This article is enlightening and I am glad I found it. I have been struggling with the fact that my husband just joined the Army. Many of my doubts include being a part of a culture where cheating and lying is so prevalent. I trust him fully, but hate the idea of all of the scandalous people being after him or myself. He told me that he felt uncomfortable shopping at the PX for the first time, women were staring at him and hitting on him right in front of their husbands. He has been at his first duty station for about a week now, and I am doubting joining him there. I know that sounds bad to many people, but I have a great job and love where I am. He is in a tiny remote town where I wonder if I could ever get a job. I wonder how spouses manage their own careers, etc, or if they do at all in the military? Do other women feel this way? I guess I just resent my husband for enlisting after law school without including me in his decision to join the Army. We started dating four years ago when he was in law school and I was in college. After graduating from law school he decided he doesn't want to be a lawyer, and enlisted as an infantryman. I know I went way off topic, but if I am feeling like I resent him for joining, and dislike so much of the culture- maybe I am not cut out to be a military spouse.

trisha on October 11, 2011:

This was a great story! Thanks for sharing your life with total strangers... but I have to say im not liking being a military wife!! I don't think I could do it any longer

trisha on October 11, 2011:

This was a great story! Thanks for sharing your life with total strangers... but I have to say im not liking being a military wife!! I don't think I could do it any longer

somemarine on October 11, 2011:

I enjoyed this post Anna Marie Bowman and the conversation everyone is having about it. I have this conversation with the men in my unit all the time. Part of my welcome aboard speech whenever I get new marines is DON’T GET MARRIED. I am not against marriage I have just been around long enough to know the likely hood of it failing. It is very common for a newly married couple to begin cheating on each other given the situation. Just look at the facts and you can see why.

1. Most of the time the newly married couple is in the 18-21 year old range with no real world experience these kids don’t know what love is.

2. Both partners have to deal with culture shock the military member is working in a high stress heavy workload environment. The spouse is taken from their home and loved ones and placed in an unfamiliar place taking away the only support system they have ever known. Believe or not there are both going through the same type of stress the only difference is the military member has their unit members now where the spouse is only left with the military member to rely on.

3. Just like it was mentioned in some of the other post the spouse becomes restless spending all that time alone while the military member comes home tired you could see how this would conflict.

4. Now that the couple has grown apart it is very easy for them fall all it takes for the spouse is someone to show them some sort of compassion and the military member just need a means to escape.

It is very easy for both sides to cheat and blame each other but the truth is both sides are at fault.

Now going back to my first thought I tell my marines DON’T GET MARRIED this doesn’t mean don’t ever get married it means be prepared before you jump in to it. Here is a list of things I tell my marines to do before they get married

1. Never get married before your first deployment this give both sides time to get the feel of military life and allows them the ability to end it before they get married should it not be in their best interest.

2. If after your first deployment you still decide to get married don’t not yet at least fly your significant other out for a couple of weeks and introduce them to your day to day life style in the military. Now after this if you both still feel like it’s what you want to do you can get married.

3. Now that you’re married do not move your spouse out the first chance you get allow them time to get everything in order back home so they don’t have to rush everything and end up becoming over stressed.

4. Next know that your spouse is going to have a bit of culture shock but not nearly as much as they would have if you both rushed in to this situation. Now allow them time to rest and adjust to the new situation.

5. Do not let your spouse become sedimentary this means get them a job and or hobby that gets them out of the house and allows to meet new people and make new friends this will prevent them bombarding you with their need for human interaction like they would if they didn’t have a job or hobby

6. Finally make time for each other this is usually more of a problem for the military member rather than the spouse but that’s neither here nor there. Doing things together helps strengthen your relationship.

7. Preparing for the upcoming deployment is easy it’s as easy as keeping each other informed establishing a support system prior to the deployment which should already be in place if you fallowed the other tips

This really works I have several marines under me who have sound marriages because they have fallowed these steps and since I have been in a position to counsel young marines prior to them getting married I have had only one whose marriage did not work out but that individual did not use my advice.

Eash on October 09, 2011:

I am a military spouse, and while I do feel sorry for the experience you had while you were married to the military I do need to say :: At no point whatsoever $6, no matter what happens is it okay to do what you did when your husband was deployed. I, like you and many others, signed all of the papers when we were married and when he joined. Regardless of what he did, that should have been taken care of when he was home or when it actully happened. Maybe I have a different intake on this because I grew up in a military family and know/saw what my mom did when my dad was deployed to keep herself occupied. There are classes and breifings that spouses are able to take when the husbands get deployed and I'm thinking you should have gone to them. Regardless of the pain that he caused you, there is absolutly no excuse for spouses to go bar hopping when husbands are deployed. point blank. What would you have done if your husband had ptsd when he came home and acted out on your actions??? While cheating may be "common" in military marriages, it is obvious that it isn't for everyone. You included.

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on October 08, 2011:

Katie-- I don't know of any instances or allegations of rape during the time I was around the military. I think your accusations are rather harsh. While I do agree, if a girl is going to be dating ANYONE, she should get to know the person very well.

Katie Wesson on October 08, 2011:

I think there is something that makes sinful sexual acts prevalent in the US military.

It's not only sexual relationships, but if you read the news, the US military has a reputation of raping innocent civilians from ages as young as 8-up (and sometimes, brutally killing them after). This is prevalent in Korea, Vietnam, Philippines, Iraq, Afghanistan, etc. Aside from that, the decent US military women are being sexually harassed and oftentimes, raped by their colleagues or even by higher ranking officials. They say, a female soldier is more likely to be raped by an ally, than killed by the enemy.

Apart from that, some recruits are being subjected to hazing, sometimes, after deployment. Hazing might involve acts which may be sexual in nature. I have heard testimonials from those who underwent hazing, that some men and women are being forced to simulate sexual acts / or maltreated. Sometimes, it's a simple "dare", like leading a recruit to go to a whore house (which introduces him to this habit). His new group of friends, sometimes of higher ranks, might even teach them the habit of talking ill of their own wives. I know, this is prevalent, because I "almost" dated somebody from the military, who I later found out to be married.

Now, people who went through this might not openly discuss it with anyone, because of the trauma / shame this experience had inflicted on them. Effects on the individual might vary, he might be one of the jerks who would fall into sexual addiction, or he might leave the military after the shameful experience (like my friend who was hazed), and in some rare cases, a handful are optimistic to rise into ranks in hopes of changing the system.

Many of these stories are left...untold. Even if the abused victims try to seek justice, well guess what, the government will release these criminals WITHOUT CHARGES.



As for girls, if you're dating somebody in the military, I recommend that you get to know him WELL. Get to know their friends too. Pay CLOSE ATTENTION, especially when it comes to their behaviour.

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on October 07, 2011:

GoingCrazy-- It will take some time, but it will be worth it to work through the issues you are having. Counseling may help. Thank you so much for your kind words. All I have done is share my own story, and hope that it helps someone else.

GoingCrazy on October 07, 2011:

By the way, thank you for sharing your story and for responding to all of these

Comments. You're doing an amazing thing & impacting many lives. I'm sure I'm not the only

One who appreciates having someone to relate to & you're advice is great.

GoingCrazy on October 07, 2011:

I honestly think that you're right. This woman isn't worried about us or what she did to our family. She's not even worth me wondering about. Like you said, she's trash. I just have to work on my marriage with him & forgive him. It will take time & he's trying everything he can to make this work. Not a day goes by that he doesn't feel guilty or apologize for his actions. The hardest part is accepting that he's not perfect and that he would stoop to that level. But I

might as well work it out with him. I love him. And if I were to leave him because of my pride, there's no telling what the next guy would do--could be worse-- and he might not feel bad enough to tell me.

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on October 07, 2011:

moonlake-- I agree...spending time in bars is a large part of the problem. I admit I didn't handle my problem in the best way I could have. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

moonlake from America on October 07, 2011:

I think some of the big problems with military wives and husbands is the hanging out in bars. In my opinion if your not with your husband you shouldn't be in a bar. Find a hobbie something to do to keep you busy that does not include bars. This kind of thing is not exclusive to military. Your husband was so wrong and the whole story is very sad.

I agree military life is hard but it's what you make of it.

Good hub and thanks for sharing your life.

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on October 07, 2011:

GoingCrazy-- I know how you feel, I wanted to meet the women my ex cheated on me with. One I knew, the others I didn't. It won't bring you the closure you need. It really won't. If you do find her, you will look at her, talk to her, and more and more questions will pop into your head. It will only give you more questions and it won't solve anything for you.

christine-- I am glad that you found this. If you do end up getting into the military, at least you will go in with your eyes open. If you do not, maybe you are right, maybe it is for the best. Maybe there is another plan for you and your family. I cannot answer that. All I can say, instead of mourning this dead end, keep your eyes and heart open to other possibilities. Best wishes for you and your family.

christine on October 07, 2011:

my husband applied for the navy a couple of weeks ago, we found out this week that he wouldn't get in due to a past violation (one and only), and because they are over staffed right now. We were both crushed, he had a hard day at work and I couldn't stop the tears before my daughter was due to wake up from her nap. We were looking for this to be a leg up in our situation, it feels like everything we try to do to better ourselves gets shot down. As of tonight the future looks pretty bleak... i know i can't compose my whole future on one thought in one night, but sometimes it seems hopeless.

I was looking for some confirmation or answers, I guess just something to let me know that our efforts are not in vain and that there is a reason for everything. I was truly starting to believe that God had this cosmic plan to make sure we suffer or something, but i think this gave me a little of what i needed to hear. The days awaiting that phone call I was preparing myself for the worst and hoping for the best, I was preparing to not see my husband at all, but that everything would be fine and possibly even fun. I would have been that nieve navy wife that didn't know what she was really walking into and would go about her day thinking that the naval base is the most safe place to be in the world and that everyone except for the handful of stupid people was faithful. Now i see that even the couples who have that awesome relationship find it difficult to not have those nights with each other. I can see how easily tempted someone can be.

My father-in-law was 21 years deep in the navy, retired sr. chief, he kept telling us that its a hard life, but i always brushed it off with an 'i know that' or 'thats not the problem' or 'i'm willing to make it work and spend that kind of time away from my husband to ensure a better future for our daughter and a better retirement for us' I was all ready to buy the 'navy gear' (shirts that say navy on them and sweatpants that i thought were cool just because they had 'our team' plastered on the leg and even a navy onsie for the little one) i was one of those girls in high school that may not have went to all the football games but when spirit week came around i was decked out in school colors so you could only imagine what my house, my daughter and myself would have looked like if he had gotten into the navy.

now instead of thinking 'the navy is a good decision why wouldn't God want us to be in (even with a dismissed felony if God wants it to happen it will happen, so i say God would or would not want us to do it) he being the ultimate being he is would surly see that joining the military is a great service to your country and to him so why would he keep someone so willing away from that. and now i understand maybe this was the something more that he was thinking about that we failed to look at. maybe its just not right for us. It is so hard to admit that because we both wanted him in so bad.

You should definatly go with writing a book. There are t.v. shows and blogs and things but you really don't get a good look at the real time military life unless your in it and at that i can see how it would be hard to tell someone like me the 100% truth about it because you don't want to crush them, but at the same time you want to give them the whole truth. I think a book would benefit more people than you think. You should be 100% honest about everything not just from the perspective of the spouse at home, but from the soldier/sailors perspective as well, i'm sure it would be a big read but i am all about it and i'm sure a lot of people would be, especially those young women whose fiances and husbands are thinking about the military. some of them don't know the whole truth becuase it can be very nasty but they need to know just like there should be a sign at the start of a ghetto that says "you are now entering the ghetto, it is in your best interest to leave any personal belongings, money, gold, espensive shoes and the rims off your tires a lot of streets away from where you are now and if you must pass through for any reason at all don't look at anybody just drive."

Bottom line is your story helped me i think a lot more than i'm willing to admit, your should most definatly write a book, there should be more people that are willing to tell the truth about the military like you and i'm glad you were able to find peace and harmony for your life.

Thank you for sharing!

Goingcrazy on October 06, 2011:

Thank u for that. I know he really is a good person & a great husband. I guess that's why it's so hard to understand how he could have made this mistake. And sometimes I do want to look for this woman, I don't know why. Maybe to make sure she's not pregnant, maybe to see what she looks like. Maybe it's my own insecurities. I am a grudge holder, I always have been. I wonder how to forgive and not disgust myself with details. How do I trust him when he's on a 9 month deployment with plenty of aroused men & women? How do I know she won't end up being deployed with him?

Goingc , on October 06, 2011:

Sometimes I wonder if I should try to find her

Anna Marie Bowman (author) from Florida on October 06, 2011:

GoingCrazy-- I can understand how you feel. At least he is sorry for what he did. He is honestly torn up over it. If he feels this bad about what he did, I doubt that he is likely to do it again. The woman he was with, well...she's just trash, plain and simple. He made a mistake and is genuinely sorry for it. Most guys aren't. He sounds like he really is a great husband, who just made a mistake.

happyatlast-- I am glad that you have found happiness. I agree that it is amazing what the military turns a blind eye to.

happyatlast on October 06, 2011:

I married my highschool sweetheart right after he got out of Navy bootcamp. He cheated and lied and when we divorced he refused to pay child support until my lawyer (a former JAG)got in touch with the office of the Sec of Navy and they basically tore a few off of his CO. Its many years later and I live in another country and watch the US ships that come in once a year for exercises and it amazes me what the navy covers its eyes to .

Goingcrazy on October 06, 2011:

My husband is a Seabee in the navy reserves. This small group of men & women don't deploy on ships, they work on land performing construction jobs. He's actually getting deployed next year to afghanistan. Anyway, we're high school sweethearts. Been together for 7 years, married for 3 & have a 2 year old son. We've always had such a strong bond & could tell each other anything. So many ppl think we are perfect, even i believed it. Well he leaves once a year for 2 wks for annual training. he would have beers with some of his friends after class. He was in another state, I never bugged him, I trusted him. Well 3 wks ago, he was so sick, vomiting every where. I took him to the hospital. As we are waiting to be seen, something is different. I ask him what's wrong and he tells me he needs help. He wants to check himself into the hospital for depression & thoughts of suicide. He had been hitting himself for 3 months. I ask him why? What could possibly be that wrong? We have such a perfect relationship & are happy, go lucky people. It's out of our nature to be depressed. He breaks down and said he cheated on me during the 2 wks that he was in training in another state. He said they were all hanging out in the hotel lobby of where they were staying. Drinking beer, talking crap. Some men start to talk crap about their wives & how they never wanna have sex, that it's because their wives are cheating on them. He began to get angry, because theres times I wouldn't want to have sex because I was tired from nursing school & our son. Well he goes to his room, after hearing all these thoughts, says goodnight to me & off to sleep we go--or so I thought. Later that night, one of the girls that was hanging out with them, knocks on his hotel room door, he opens it, she pulls him in & starts hugging him and kissing him. Whips out a condom & there u have it. They do the deed & he starts freaking out afterwards, telling her he messed up & he cheated on his wife. She says its ok, to relax & leaves. So here I am, dealing with a husband betrayed me, destroyed my trust. He doesn't even know the girls name. She's in the military, but he had only seen her that night when they were all drinking. So I can't even confront this skank. He doesn't know what state she's from or anything about her. He said he saw her the next day when they were all going to class & she walked by & said hey. Like nothing had happened. He's so disgusted with himself, he won't even touch me. I'm

So angry, and I hate him. But then i think, how would

I have found out? He came to

Me & told me...I had no idea. He says he soooo sorry, he won't ever do it again. He feels so guilty.He says wont drink again either without me being there. He even confessed it to my parents. Saying that he didn't only disrespect me, he disrespected them. What do I do? This chick new he was married but didn't care. I wish she would have chosen a single

Guy but I wish more that he would have stopped!!!!

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