Wendy Koenigsmann is a psychology graduate student and writes articles to help victims in abusive relationships.
Like the leopard, the narcissist cannot change his spots
The narcissist is a destroyer of goodness, and his goal is to destroy you from the very beginning
The “narcissist,” or to be more precise, the malignant narcissist, is not really a garden-variety annoying person or haughty individual who suffers from too much vanity. The truly devastating malignant narcissist is probably the same type that people everywhere are complaining about, those con men and con women who ruthlessly plunder and take what they want, leaving disaster and heartbreak behind without giving the victim any closure as to what actually just happened, or else putting all the blame on the hapless victim. We hear these stories all of the time nowadays and they almost seem to sound the same. People ask questions about them and wonder “how can someone just do that?” We ruminate, we seemingly obsess, we are flabbergasted that anyone could be so devoid of conscience. People ask me all the time about them, because they can seem so puzzling.
First of all, the narcissist is not like you or I. Even though every day people can be hypocrites, lie, cheat, and steal, in the end, even a thief may have a code of honour. A narcissist has no integrity. They are not truly loyal to anyone, and even if they think they are doing “right” they’re merely lying to themselves. Aye, here’s the rub for our clever, conniving narcissist who loves to gaslight their victims. Now we will gaslight them and expose them for who they are, which is apropos by all means and well-deserved. Their victims also deserve to know the truth by now. The truth is that the narcissist has no truth in him. There is no truth that can abide by the narcissist, because they invert truth and lie to their own selves. So when they pretend they abide by some code of honour, it’s just a way to fool you, and themselves. They’re so far gone, they know they do evil, yet they convince themselves it’s fine. Ultimately they know what they are doing, but they are proud, and they don’t care. They will continue to do evil because that is their nature.
So even if a narcissist may convince themselves that they are “good people,” most often this is an unconscious defense mechanism against what they actually know to be true. They know their true nature, which is why they must hide it. Once you see them behind the mask, they then no longer care about keeping up appearances, and it’s time to be rid of you. It really does seem like one of their main goals is to get you to this devalue stage as soon as possible because they are sadists and very destructive. This can happen in any type of pseudo-relationship with a narcissist, be it the illusion of a romantic one, or an employee and boss relationship. Once they’ve gotten you to the devalue stage, they must now discard. Be forewarned if you have one of these people as a supervisor and start looking for a job when you note them becoming much more ruthless, callous, and toxic. When they are done with you they’re done and you’re going to be axed soon enough.
The narcissist just doesn’t know truth in the end. This is why they seem so changeable day to day, and by this I don’t mean the same way that gregarious people change, or even the way some with “borderline personality” fluctuate (I’ll have to write an entire article on that one day). With a narcissist, it’s different. People mention how they seem to harbor different personas that take them by surprise, day to day, sometimes even hour to hour. This is where the similarity to borderlines comes through. Some think that the narcissistic arrogance and meanness is a defense mechanism against this internal broken self, this chaotic being; however, this does not explain completely as to why the narcissist has such a problem with integrity and wholeness to begin with.
The narcissist is a liar. They lie to others constantly. And when you learn to lie like this, you reach a plateau in which lying become acceptable. So you keep raising the bar. It’s sort of like how a serial killer trains to murder by starting with animals. Very soon, the bar is raised and things get more extreme. This is why the narcissist has no conscience. They’ve erased it. And even though they can choose to do right or wrong like the rest of humanity, they will choose lies, when it suits them. Read that again. This is why they are so arbitrary. This is why sometimes it appears like they are normal, and can do “normal” things, but the next moment, they lie to you, and sometimes they lie just because they can. Once more, pay attention to their arbitrary nature. Often there is no reason for the lies, they just do it. They may tell someone their birthday is in December, when it’s actually in May, just because. The narcissist has no truth left in him, and it also destroys him in the end. Once you learn to lie as a way of life and don’t feel bad about it, your soul is twisted further. The “right” thing to do to a narcissist actually appears wrong to us, but as I stated, in a liar’s twisted world, it’s just fine, in fact, the narcissist is doing good, he thinks, when in fact he actually knows deep down that what he is doing is very wicked, and very wrong. This is why they are so twisted.
The narcissist is no longer human at the end of the day. The narcissist, though seemingly personable when they want to be, and even funny (many of them are funny I’ve heard), is just an actor playing a part. Their jokes often become eerily as empty as their own soul. One person remarked, “after they leave you and enough time has passed, watch how they will contact you again and act like they did in the very beginning, it’s just an act to make you think that’s who they really are.” Again, this is a sort of defense mechanism. The narcissist must always one-up you and try to fool you, and in the process, fool themselves. They are all ego.
As a somewhat amusing aside, in my own experience, a narcissist that I knew contacted me and stated the same phrase used on me before their abusive side came out: “I’m going to get some ice cream at Thrifty’s tonight.” But by now, the little Thrifty’s ice cream spiel had lost its luster, and it no longer was convincing. I tried picturing this individual thinking that they were pulling the wool over my eyes again that they really were this innocent person who was just going to go saunter over to Thrifty’s for ice cream as they did years ago, and convince me and themselves that they were a normal person who had done nothing at all wrong. And mind you, they didn’t really care that much either, it was just something to say, again, always just “something to say.” They never meant anything that they ever said because nothing had any true meaning for them. Think about this. Nothing that they say really means anything real. It is all a game. You cannot live with a person like this and not lose your mind or some part of yourself. This is why you must keep them away by all means, they are dangerous to you mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Someone joked with me that this Thrifty’s ice cream quote reminded them of a line from American Psycho, where the main character, a psychopath, keeps repeating “I have to return some rental movies” over and over again when in a confrontation with a fiancee. You see, the narcissist actually is not only a constant liar but an empty shell in the end. Psychoanalyst Guggenbuhl-Craig calls them “empty souls.” And this is where another good bit of knowledge comes into play. This psychoanalyst also chides us to accept that there is nothing that can be done to change them, and that this fact must be accepted. You will never change a narcissist, and they cannot change. It is imperative that we understand this in order to protect ourselves. If you refuse to call a spade a spade, you do not have any way to protect yourself, and will allow them back in, even in the most hidden corners of your heart where you will still long for “the way things were.” In the end, a human with faults can be forgiven, but evil never should be, nor should one extend forgiveness to such as they will surely bite the hand that feeds them, and betray you once more, in an instant.
The narcissist, like the leopard, cannot change his spots, therefore they will never stop their life of lying and destruction. Some people are afraid to think that the narcissist may actually be a good person with someone else, but no, in all accounts, I can guarantee you, once the devalue comes, and it will, if you could get every single person who has ever known the narcissist into the same room, I can assure you that every victim or person who actually knows the narcissist will tell you that they went through the same thing, to one degree or another. You might even be surprised at this and remark, as I did, “I thought I was just imagining it all.” No, you are perfectly sane and not imagining it, that’s just what the narcissist wanted you to believe about yourself because they are gaslighters par excellence.
Narcissists do not change for anyone, they are willful, proud, and they are doing everything purposefully most of the time, even though, as I stated, they lie so much that they often seem dissociated, and they are. It is well known that dissociative issues are part and parcel of narcissism, and again, if there is no truth in a person, fragmentation and chaos ultimately occurs. The narcissist is his own worst enemy in the end though, as he no longer even owns himself by having lived a lie for so long. In the end, he punishes himself most of all, and seems to enjoy it. The narcissist enjoys subversion in the sense that there is no truth in anything, and even what brings pain to most human beings becomes his secret pleasure. This is how far it destroys their own soul. They do not need any help in corrupting themselves further, they achieve this on their own. Fair enough?
Perhaps their victims may not think so, and I agree that there is no amount of justice that could suffice in most cases, but in the end, the narcissist will pay for everything they have ever done, and they may even enjoy it. Strange to think on it, but it is true. They secretly enjoy destruction and want to be punished. This is also why you cannot stay with a narcissist, as they will drag you down into the whirlpool of their destruction soon enough, and you will lose yourself, your identity, and anything that ever truly mattered to you will be sacrificed on the altar to their inhuman, beastly ways, sucking you down further and further into the maelstrom of malice.
This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.
© 2021 Wendy Koenigsmann