Skip to main content

The Narcissist: Catch It Before It Catches You

Wish I Knew

I often wonder if there are people that can spot a narcissist from the moment they meet? I believe it is possible. I wish that kind of person was with me the day I met him. It could have saved me many years of heartache and drama. Unfortunately, it took me many years and lots of unnecessary drama to unravel what being with a narcissist looked like.

Everyone to a degree has insecurities. After all, we are human. I knew his insecurities were beyond that, when he would question how I dressed. For example, he would tell me I had too much make up on. He would even question why I would put make-up on if I was just going to the store. I will never forget the time I was curling my hair and he wondered why I was getting all dolled up if I was just going to my son's hockey game.

My Papa and me at my graduation

My Papa and me at my graduation

He was jealous of everyone and everything in my life including my education

He was jealous of everyone and everything in my life including my education. But if you asked him, he would say he was my biggest supporter in my life including my education. It was a few days before we were scheduled to leave for Florida and we were fighting. I can't remember about what. Most of the time our arguments were over non-sense. He took my cap and gown that was hanging in our closet and hid it from me. I noticed it was gone when I was packing my luggage. I was graduating with my Master's degree and the ceremony was being held in Orlando, FL. A huge achievement in my life that I truly didn't feel he deserved to be apart of.

He told me that if he didn't start hearing the things he wanted to hear come out of my mouth, I wouldn't get my cap and gown back in time for graduation. I will never forget what he told me after that. He told me it was a privilege to go to Florida that most people can't afford but I can. He went on to tell me that I didn't even really need to go, that I could just accept the degree from home.

Being with him, I always felt like I was walking on egg shells. I just didn't know what mood he was in or what would set him off. He would start monitoring my call log and the duration of my phone calls. He ALWAYS accused me of cheating on him. If I got a friend's request on Facebook and it was a guy, I would be required to tell him. I'd have to ask if I could accept it and if the guy was single you better believe it was a no.

I felt like a prisoner. Like an exotic bird that was caged and every time I tried to escape my wings got clipped.

Well if you didn't do the things you do or dress that way, I wouldn't be insecure" (in a tantrum child-like voice)

Wanting To Leave

I tried many times to leave him. We were better off not being together as all we did was fight EVERYDAY! This wasn't the life I wanted to live or have with someone. I felt like that relationship was hard work. Don't get me wrong, relationships are work but not hard work. I felt like I was driving in a hurricane daily. When I got the courage to leave, he would blow up. He would take my car keys, my wallet, and my phone. He would stand in front of the door and not let me leave. Eventually, I would get my stuff back and life would be some what normal but that was only if I agreed to stay and work out the relationship.

A month before I finally left for good, he told me that since being with me he finally understands why husbands beat their wives.

A month before I finally left for good, he told me that since being with me he finally understands why husbands beat their wives.

Goodbye For The Last Time

The weekend I was in Florida for my graduation, I had already signed the lease on the new place that he didn't know about. Remember, I had a plan. Most of us do. I needed a plan since I knew he wouldn't let me leave on my own accord. I was conflicted because I didn't want to be a single mother again but knew that if I stayed more bad was to come. I decided to continue with my plan. I was scared but I knew deep down this is what I had to do for my kids. For me. I told him I was going to the store to get food for dinner as he had been laying on the couch. I said goodbye for the last time.

I never came home.

What I have learned...

It NEVER gets better. You can try and change who you are inside and out but it will never get better and IT WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH for them! You can try and convince yourself otherwise. I did that for many years. That's because the problem never truly lied with me but with him. He couldn't face his own inner demons that he brought into our relationship. It didn't matter if I never wore make-up again or never called anyone again. It still would not be good enough. Eventually, you will be tired and exhausted. I learned it wasn't my job and ISN'T my job to fix him. Only he can fix himself. Just know this isn't love. He would tell me after I left him that no man will ever love me as much as him. I'd rather not be loved then be loved by his version of love. The greatest protection you can give yourself is SELF-LOVE because when you love yourself (enough) you don't NEED anyone else's love and you won't need to bargain yourself just to be loved. When you are curling your hair no matter for what reason, the only thing you should hear from your partner is how beautiful you are. Never settle for anything less than that.


This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.

© 2021 Gina M Kielb

Related Articles