Dang is an avionics maintenance specialist by profession, a woman of strength and passion.
The Man Who Can’t Love Me Back
We never know when we are going to fall in love. Same as we don’t know who, where and how. Here I am, writing my thoughts and letting my heart speaks out.
I was in a dark relationship few years ago. It was traumatic and considered as a nightmare that I had to wake up from. I can say it was a miracle, I survive and able to quit before it’s too late. Physical, emotional and mental battery were the worst. It was hard to get over and move on, especially when you lose yourself completely. I no longer know myself back then. One thing I am sure of is that I was terrified.
I took time healing myself from the wounds of that past. Gaining back what I lost, which is my real self, whom was used to be proud and confident. Time passes by, I can say I’m already fine but still there are scenarios that triggers the fear I had. Not all people know what I have been through. That if you will know everything, you will not like it to be in my shoe.
A lot came in and dare to try knowing me, but I was like giving my book with torn pages that only me can tell what’s the missing part. I choose what to share and those that I shouldn’t. If you know much of me, it means you are important, and I trusted you.
Everything was going well and I’m okay already until someone made me feel different, in a good way. The first time I was near him, I already felt a strange connection. His presence gives me a feeling of being safe. Then after that, I found out that he had a huge crush on me, and it really made me so nervous. Should I be happy? Maybe, I don’t know. I was afraid and I don’t know if I should trust him and listen to my heart. It was not easy.
We bonded a little to get to know, until attraction grew stronger and we let it be felt by each other. He told me that I shouldn’t be afraid and let go of the fear dwelling inside me. I cried that moment I let myself follow my heart. I hear the beats inside my chest loud and fast, but honestly, it’s great to finally feel being cared by someone you heart agrees with. I was truly happy that time and I feel blessed thinking I met the man who care to know my past, understands me and lift me up.
My trust has been destroyed before, but I chose to pick the broken pieces and try to put them back together and gave it to him. In short, I trusted him. When I trust a person, words and actions means a lot and I keep and hold onto them. He was a good man. I think I’m in love, for real. Days passed, I’ve been happier and grateful having him.
I really thought he will never hurt me. Why do we get hurt in the first place? It’s only because we care, and we love the person causing it. The degree of pain depends how much you are into that person. The first heartache I had with him was when he confessed that he was still in the stage of being broken from his ex-girlfriend. And that they were still communicating. I don’t know what to feel that time. He lied to me. I was like a fool believing I was that special. His words tell me that he loves me, and he don’t want to lose me. At the same time, he was hopeful that his ex will be back and consider the long relationship they had. It hurts so much that I don’t know my place in his heart that moment. He was confused, so am I. I felt I was just somebody to him. How I’d wish I can remove my heart and just throw it, because of the pain I felt. But you know what’s crazy? I have chosen to stay and hope that he will realize that I am worthy for him. I love him that I find it hard to just leave and give up.
There’s no ‘us’, but we act as if we are. I care about him and I want all the best for him. I get jealous sometimes, I mean that. But maybe I’m just afraid of losing him, knowing I don’t have the right at all. There was one time I tried to tell him that I was jealous of someone. I was wrong and I sounded desperate, and I admitted that. He told me that the way I reacted; I can be considered as narrow-minded person. “Negats ka”(You are negative in a way of being not a good one). Short but it made me cry many times. It was a mistake and maybe I deserve those words. I tried to act normal as if nothing happened. But everyday before I sleep, I am thinking about what he said. From that day, I never dare to open-up myself to him. If I’m sad, hurting, jealous, I just keep it on my own. For me it was the best thing I must do.
I remember him telling me that I shouldn’t let myself get more attached to him or else I would get hurt. I already fell in love with him, and I find it hard to just withdraw myself from it.
I have a lot of unanswered questions in my mind. Most of them starts with ‘why’. Why did he make me feel special? Why is he making me feel that I have him and I can count on him? Why did he tell me that I shouldn’t be afraid to try again? Why did he tell me that he will never hurt me, and now I do? Why did he say that he will never leave me, but now I feel that any moment he will be gone? Why did he change? Why can’t he love me back? Why is it so hard to just let him go?
I used to wait for his messages and calls, I look forward from hearing how his day was, I love how he ask me if I’m okay, even the idea of wanting to see and be with me often. But that was all before. Even without telling me, I can feel coldness. He said that nothing has changed except his feelings which is gone. Exactly, feelings changed. I don’t know what to think anymore. It’s painful but I have to face it. I drained myself crying as I’m making it sink in my mind that it is the reality. Now, I know that he no longer loves me like how he made me feel at first. My fears came true, love fades and it is too good to be true. I am just a best friend or more than that, but not to the extent of being in a romantic relationship. I am trying so hard to control myself. I’m trying to avoid what I used and want about him. But sometimes I still find myself waiting and wanting. I believe that through time, I will be healed and be okay. For now, I need to pretend and be firm to my decision that I have to be brave enough not to let myself fall deeper into him. I deserve better, someone who can love me more than I do, someone who will never get tired of me, and someone who will consistently make me feel that I am worth-loving. If only I can command my heart to stop aching and let go of the pains and hopes that still lingers inside, maybe it would be easy to get over.
To the man who can’t love me back, “Please stop acting as if you still care because everything you do means so much to me and next time, if you are not ready and you don’t have any plans at all, step-back and be a man who doesn’t give false hopes and love. You have no idea how I struggle everyday thinking how I can remove my feelings that you never considered.”