I lived this. I put up with this out of emotional weakness
We met on an Online Dating Website....
On this particular site you can specify the type of relationship you're looking for. I have that I am looking for a relationship. A guy, who I'll call Allan (not his real name) his profile said that he wasn't looking for a relationship, or any kind of commitment. Now, I never respond to anyone with that in their profile for the obvious reason of that I DO want some kind of committed relationship. But this guy lived in the next town over from me. Just minutes away. And I thought, at the very least, I could get some sex while I look for someone who wants the same thing that I do.
Let me Explain What I Mean by Sex....
What I mean by sex is really being sexual. With a lot of foreplay which is what turns me on. Not simply orgasming. Because once I orgasm, my libido drops below zero. So once I orgasm, it's over for me.
I don't want it to be over that quickly. I want to enjoy feeling turned on, or aroused for as long as possible. Feeling aroused can last indefinitely. Orgasming only lasts a few seconds for most of us. So just orgasming, and that's it doesn't satisfy me. I want, and need intimacy. Intimacy is foreplay. With out that, sex is void, empty, cold, robotic, body movements. And I'd far prefer working out to void, empty, cold. robotic body movements. At least working out does something for me. Void, empty, cold, robotic body movements only pisses me off
Back to the Guy with the Bizarre Vagina, Making me Orgasm Fetish....
Ok, so naturally I expected normalcy. Or at least what's normal to me. What's normal to me when it comes to this stuff, is foreplay. Intimacy. I'll say it again; there is no satisfaction for me with out it. With out it it's pointless for me to engage in it.
I told him (Allan) all of the above before we even started anything
.....And in fact we never started anything....
At least we didn't in my world.
On our second date I had him come over so I could "massage his back" which he said was bothering him, and I just so happened to go to massage school. Ok, so we all know, to different degrees, why I really had him come over. Remember I said ; "to different degrees." No I had no intention of sleeping with him, nor did I even have intentions of making each other orgasm. It was in the afternoon, and I honesty just wanted to make out. That's all
So, I was massaging his back, wearing my usual attire of shorts being that I live in Florida..... so there was his excuse to run his hands up and down my legs. I let him do this. Then his hands went to my vagina. I should be getting off on this, I thought to myself. I'm attracted to him, but I'm not enjoying this.......
Then somehow we were just sitting next to each other talking. Then he began to take me in to my bedroom. I told him beforehand that I was not having him over to have sex with him. So as he guided me in to my bedroom he reassured me that he wasn't going to have sex with me.. So I just assumed we'd just make out. And maybe a little petting/touching..... Nope. Instead he proceeded to go down on me.
Let me back up a bit and say that for the past almost 2 years I have been excessively nervous for some reason. I thought once I had a certain life change that it would subside, but it hasn't. I finally realized that I've obviously got some kind of chemical imbalance and will be seeing a Psychiatrist next month
Having said all that, in order for us to orgasm we need to be relaxed. First of all we were on our second date. Second of all, I am me. I wasn't exactly relaxed. In fact I was kind of unnerved that he just helped himself to my vagina.....but since I am constantly doubting myself, I thought; "I should be enjoying this. Why am I not enjoying this? What's wrong with me?..."
Since I was nervously busy obsessing over those thoughts, I didn't orgasm. He told me before we met in person that he wanted to make me scream in orgasmic ecstasy. I should have known , the second that he said that, that I'm not for him. I don't know that I've ever screamed in my life. I am just not a screamer. Even when startled I don't scream. But delusional me was still living in fantasyland because I was having so much fun with him......Note to self: If you're having that much fun with him before you even meet him, he's not for you.
So after that date he texted me; "I'm sorry you didn't cum..... wanna try again?"
So my response was something like, "Don't take it personally, it was our second date, I was nervous." (which is not uncommon). Then he responds with "Cumming is important...." I thought his response was bizarre for a second date where there was zero intimacy
And Then I Learned Why Cumming is so Important to Him
Because my orgasming turned him on wildly. Now that would have been fine, if only he gave me some intimacy.
Nope. He never did
He never once touched any other part of my body except my vagina
I finally woke up one day realizing that it was never going to happen. Intimacy doesn't exist in his world. Only his own satisfaction from his fetish does
It left me feeling hollow, cold, and especially deprived of intimacy. Yet had I never met him, I'd be fine. I am fine now, but it took me a few weeks to regain my composure. It left me feeling this way because of my expectations of what, to me is normal.
The moral of the story is something a friend just said to me; "never have any expectations".
Once I finally woke up to everything that was happening, he suddenly repulsed me. Someone who I once was attracted to, now repulses me. That speaks volumes about who he is.
But in the end I can't blame him for anything. I was the one who made the choice to engage in.....I don't know what...for a short time.
Nobody wants to talk about stuff like this out loud.
For that reason, I want to share what I experienced
Why I put up with this
I put up with this, because I needed a distraction from feeling so spent from online dating. I also desperately wanted a distraction from dealing with things in my own life. The whole time I knew this in the back of my mind.....and FINALLY my knowing this surfaced, and I abruptly exited.
I wasn't even really that attracted to him. I only "convinced" myself that I was.
Talk about a desperate need for distraction...
Was it worth it?
It was ONLY because I learned things about myself sexually
Specifically that I never communicate about what I want
Because I didn't think it was important
Can you believe? I didn't think what I wanted was important.
And what I finally woke up to was neither did he
This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.
© 2021 jacy albertson