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The Awful Lives of Cheerleaders

Kenneth Avery is a Southern humorist with well over a thousand fans. The charm and wit in his writing span a nearly a decade.

Cheerleaders using their "Secret Flirting Weapon."

Cheerleaders using their "Secret Flirting Weapon."

Oh Yes, They Were Popular

as well as sweet, sexy. and always smell their best. And they always look their best. Not because their sponsor or frends wrangle them to do it, they have to. Day after day. Night after night even after daily, they have to do one thing: maintain. Yes! Maintain or else? And anyone who is anyone can be first on the list to answer not maintaining the Cheerleader Code can instantly result in the cheerleader falling to a deathly Non-Popular Region of the region where high school or college where they live and reign. And this is the equivalent of being drummed-out by an Armed Forces court martial.

So have you wondered why when you see these cheerleader beauties see them on a weekend and they are all together at their favorite "in" place, (wh"atever expensive mall that might be) you will see them if you attended one of their spirit-filled pep rallies. But what 30-year-old male with a wife and three kids, "Ronald," "Jessika," and "P.C.," (meaning pretty cool)? Some, maybe, but they are under severe scrutinizing by the cops and driven-away from school property, and the few older males are there because the school principal either owed them a political favor in helping the principal be appointed or he is a second-cousin on his wife's side of the family.

That is pretty much why the cheerleaders are always striving for popularity no matter where they might be. Gosh! I would bet $34,000.00 (if I were a gambler) that I could take any cheerleading squad from any grade-school, prep-school or college and within 15 minutes, these sparkly gals would be tromping, marching, smiling, winking their wicked eyes, and doing these things in perfect rhythm. If I have ever told you that I am serious, I am serious now.

A cheerleader must maintain their beauty 24/7 at games and in the public.

A cheerleader must maintain their beauty 24/7 at games and in the public.

Something About Cheerleader Packs

and do not wrinkle your nose at me or squint your eyes in anger because I said "pack." Had you rather say "gang" of cheerleaders? Did you ever wonder why there are never one pretty cheerleader who leaves the pack to buy more skin lotion or powder, things that feminine cheerleaders love to wear. I am here to burst this myth. If one cheerleader heads to the make-up area in the mall, the rest of the cheerleaders rip her up to her back simply because of how pretty her hair and figure is I guess this is a part of the female DNA, but if all of the cheerleaders are pretty, then why should any of the others open their mouth?

Cheerleaders do not, repeat, do not, have regular names like other female students or employees in the office. No. Cheerleaders were anointed from birth to live with names such as: "Buffy," "Muffy," "Liz," "Molly," and "Rachel," who is the head cheerleader and tells the rest of the pack how sorry that they look while practicing their athletic tumbling, jumping, and catching the other cheerleaders who have been thrown into the air. A good rule of thumb (for all cheerleaders) is to get-along with other cheerleaders and this way, those who are to catch you when thrown into the air will "act" like they lost you in the sun and cause you severe injury and hurt feelings.

Unless you are the parent of a successful cheerleader, then this part of my piece is Greek to you. Have you ever known of any cheerleader "hitting the sack" at 9 p.m.? Or spend time studyig their geometry for a test the next day? No. Cheerleaders never study for anything, but flirting with hot guys who are mostly on the varsity. They score even more points if the boy's dad is a doctor and his mom is a lawyer, then hello, matrimony! I know one cheerleader who has already put her hunting cap on.

Cheerleaders, when it comes to test day, will kick into their secret powers and flirt with their teacher so much that he is afraid to fail them because even at his age (32) he might date one of these pretty girls. Of course, they won't, but they sure know how to lead this old boy on far enough that he cannot ask anything out of them because they know that if he gets upset with them, uh, oh! No date tonight. In short, cheerleaders have male teachers by the, well, we will not run the risk of being profane

Little-Known Secrets About Cheerleaders:

If any cheerleader gets up from bed around 11 a.m., then she is rising early. Popular cheerleaders do not even think about getting out of bed until a good 2:30 p.m., just in time for them to shower, dress, meet at the mall and see how many guys that they can take to this hidden party and not get home until daylight.

The parents of cheerleaders "can" tell them what they can and cannot do, but you know and I know that the parents' words fall on deaf ears. Cheerleaders have the run of their home. And unless their "regular" high school friends show-up, the parents are strictly told to tell the "regular" friends that she, the uppity cheerleader, is sick or gone with a mission group to Brazil to help distribute sunglasses, straw hats, and processed water.

A popular cheerleader never goes out in public unless her body is oiled-down with textures, softeners, and other oils that make her look fantastic. Her hair is always styled her mom's hairdresser, "Gerald," and if she were to comb her own hair, it is a very rare occasion.

Cheerleaders do not marry outide of their pack. They are attracted to the jocks who know that they will go to some important college on a javelin-throwing scholarship and after college graduation, he will be set with TV endorsements, he will attend the Olympics, and all she does is smile that sexy smile, stay slim as she is now and both have happy lives.

A cheerleader will, on occasion, fall in love with this good old boy who is so nice to her and everywhere meets as well as give her whatever she wants, that she cannot resist marriage, but how it will work (for her advantage) is before they graduate high school, she softly plants words in his ear about doing better than working in a garden center at some big department store. In about six months, he is not so interested in cutting grass to make money, so she sends him to talk to her dad, the president of the local bank and she has talked to the old man the night before and the husband is on the hook for $50,000.00 just so the sweet cheerleader wife can have (some) money to make the husband see how good she feels with money, so to make her happy, he applies to every college, financial bank, and lawyer firms.
Speaking of diets and weights. A cool, gorgeous cheerleader will and can maintain her weight as she was as a senior. How? She knows what foods to avoid and what foods to enjoy. She must avoid breads, potatoes, sweets, but the "foods" that she loves is case after case of "Mountain Man Water," and "River Stream Water," made for popular cheerleaders eveywhere.

This complex move by cheerleaders is called the "pyramid."

This complex move by cheerleaders is called the "pyramid."

Summary

Will a cheerleader ever grow old? Did I hear you laugh? Course they won't. She dedicates to looking as pretty as she did in high school as she did in college and looked so hot that all of her sorority sisters hated her. But to her face, they smile and kiss the air when they have college reunions.

Okay. I will be honest. Most, maybe all of this hub just might be wrote in humor. But it is up to you, those who have ever wondered, what is truthful and what is true about those gorgeous Saturday afternoon babes . . .our cheerleaders.

January 22, 2021___________________________________________________

These URL's are Used on This Hub:

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© 2021 Kenneth Avery

Comments

John Ward on January 22, 2021:

You can still make me smile Kenneth. You´ve also given me some to determine what is true and what is not. Still enjoyed this and found it a humorous piece.

DW Davis from Eastern NC on January 22, 2021:

Yes, I can tell you from having attended my 30th and 40th high school reunions - cheerleaders do grow old. For some, time is kind and while they don't keep their girlish looks and figures, they can still be strikingly attractive as mature women. For some, however, time is a cruel trickster.

One thing that doesn't change, though, is their loyalty to the pack and their disdain for their ordinary classmates.

In truth, it is a sad thing to see.

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