I have spent the past 8 years with this guy, let's call him Dick, just so there's a name to plug in...and the last 4 have been terrible. I have tried to leave and I have wanted to share my side for a long time. I feel like none of the pain I have dealt with is real, what was it all for? ...and I just need to get this out one time where nobody knows me. It's easier to tell strangers rather than people who know me, they'd never believe I allowed the things that I did...and I'm scared they will blame me. I'm so tired of being at fault for everything. I literally fell off, I went low key and lost everyone. I don't know if I believe in love after this.
I'm ashamed of what I allowed to be done to me. I'm ashamed that I am not as strong and intelligent as I believed, and I'm ashamed for being in love with a man who makes me out to be a fool.
I have been dealing with his covert narcissistic behavior so long that I've developed mental health issues, C-PTSD to be exact. It is similar to the PTSD you are aware of, however, instead of one or two traumatic events being the cause, this takes over slowly and it's painfully done over a long period. Years. Years of your body physically reacting to triggers that you didn't know existed. This is because I had to fear daily, and my brain had to learn new coping skills. It is anxiety(x100) plus walking on eggshells 24/7. I was blamed for everything, everything bad he ever did was done, and I quote, "because of my words or actions". He has said some of the most hurtful things I've ever heard...he will hold me down with his hand on my throat, choking me, yet telling me he loves me at the same time.
There are times when I've turned my lights out and hid in the dark because I thought I heard his truck. He's told me he hopes I'm raped, that I need to have one of my panic attacks while it's happening. He tells me he is gonna kill me, and the people I love if I go...so i stayed and gave him my all after we moved back in together. I've tried to leave before, I've reached out, it always backfires on me. So like I said, i stayed, in Hope's we would be like we used to be.
He stays out all night and doesn't come home, yet dares me to go anywhere...bc if I'm gone when he gets home, he's destroying my stuff. I'm over being scared now, I'm to the point that I don't give a damn. I'm tired of jumping out of my skin if my phone receives a notification, I'm tired of crying because he is with another girl. I have never understood why abused women would stay, but I get it. I so get it now.
I wish I could have just found out some other way, but the thing about narcissists is that they mirror you in the beginning. So much so, that you feel like you've found your other half, but it's a dangerous game they play.
He's ruptured my eardrum, then begged me not to go to the emergency room, bc he didn't want to be locked up. My stupid self listened, as always. Letting him make promises to me, letting him pretend.
I wish I could hate him as much as I need to. Truth is, I'm stuck holding onto what we had. But that was a lie too! He told me earlier he didn't want me anymore, that shit hurts. He has never been this cold, even in the middle of beating me I could feel some emotion.
I already have so many problems that I'm scared to face reality. I have nobody, but I guess I never did. The worst part is that he plays the victim. He is manipulating everyone around him. He has people hating me for things I have never done nor said, and he acts like he is on an opposing team.
So it's another night, the next night, and he is gone; but at least now I have confirmation. He is with another girl. He picked somebody else over me, after I'm the one who has had to deal with the pain of loving him for so long. He begged me to try so much that I honestly thought we were gonna get better. I hate myself. I hate him more. But I love him and I am such a disaster right now. He is the one that I never thought would be just like all the rest.
I am praying this is good enough to speak for me...I'm not a bad person, he has lied so much and tried to make himself a victim. I never defended myself on social media, I kept quiet as he posted hurtful things intended for me to see. He never tells what happened, only his side. I don't know him, it breaks my heart. I should have left the first time he beat on me, I know I need help for loving him. I have nobody, so if you're reading this, thank you.
For all those times he ran my name down and I chose to be quiet...and all the lies he spews around our town, for all the posts degrading me, allowing others to even get it on it publicly....this is my one acknowledgement, because he is dead to me.
Bri S (author) from Georgia, United States on May 31, 2021:
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. It means a lot right now. I appreciate it more than you know, and you are spot on.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on May 31, 2021:
Sorry to hear about your past experiences.
Hopefully someone reading this will be inspired to take action.
Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.
Each of us has our mate selection process and "must haves list'.
Each of us has our own boundaries and "deal breakers".
While many people might consider taking responsibility for our choices to be "blaming the victim" what they fail to see it is really a sense of (empowerment). We can learn from (our) mistakes.
When it's all the other person's fault we can't change (them).
If you get to choose who you spend time with you can do something rather than being powerless victim controlled by others.
Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.
The goal is to find someone who (already is) what you want.
If you want something different you have to be something different.
When (we) change our circumstances change.
No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional.
With each failed relationship, heartache, or betrayal we are presented with an opportunity to either craft or refine our mate selection screening process and "must haves list" for choosing our next mate. People who love themselves and have a healthy self-esteem don't tolerate being mistreated for very long.
It's not politically correct to say this but some people (women) in particular are attracted to "bad boys", "players", controlling "Alpha males", and narcissists!
"Isn't it ironic . . . we ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us."
- Ellen Hopkins
If you want something different you have to do something different.
In order to "move on" you have to (want to) let go.
The first step is to enact the "no contact rule" which means block all email addresses and phone numbers you have for him, unfriend him in your social media, avoid going places you know he frequents, and put away any photos or mementos.
You can't get to "second base" if you keep one foot on first!
The next thing you want to do is grieve among close friends/family or possibly a therapist. You're not going to get over a 8 year relationship "instantly". It's going to take time heal wounds that deep and old.
Focus on yourself and other goals you have for your life.
Most likely you neglected hobbies/interests you had or completely shelved dreams you had for yourself before you got with your ex.
Consider joining some hobby/interest groups on your local Meetup.com site, make some new friends, and do some traveling.
The world may not owe you anything but you owe yourself the world!
"Some people come in our life as blessings. Some come in your life as lessons." - Mother Teresa
"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."
- Oscar Wilde
Nayanjyoti Mirdha from Tezpur on May 31, 2021:
Great content.Keep writing.