Dating Sensitive and Submissive Men

Interested in a Submissive Man?

Sensitive or submissive men are very different from normal guys in their behavior. Many of the dating rules don't apply to them at all, and much of what you thought you knew about men won't work when dating them.

I can't tell you if there are more sensitive men nowadays than in the past. It is most likely that more men are allowing themselves to be openly sensitive and vulnerable. It used to be clear-cut that men should not show signs of weakness or vulnerability to anyone, but in modern times (fortunately), many men have managed to emancipate themselves from those social expectations, and I think it's wonderful.

Let's take a look at some of the benefits and challenges of dating this kind of man. I'll do my best to look at it from both the male and the female perspective, but please bear with me if I don't do everyone justice.

Who Are Submissive Men?

In particular, I'm talking about men who wish to take on a more submissive role in their relationships with women. They don't mind a woman taking charge and making many of the decisions. In fact, they love it.

They look for women who will 'wear the trousers' in their household. Submissive men are attracted to strong and confident women who likewise enjoy holding the reins.

There are varying degrees of submissiveness in men, though. Some will want to take it very far and basically hand over all the decision-making to their girlfriends. They seek a kind of gender role reversal from what used to be normal in the stereotypical 1950s family.

But there are very few men of this kind, and I've never personally met one that really wants this. Some may fantasize about it, but that is another story.

Most of those men that you'd call submissive ideally want a mix between having a woman tell them what to do and having certain areas where they make the decisions. For example, many such men will still be the main breadwinner in their family.

So there are very many different types of submissive men, but most of them do have a number of traits in common which I'll look into next.

How to Date a Sensitive Man: 4 Tips for Taking Charge

1. Don't approach them like other guys.

If you like submissive men, you'll have noticed by now that things don't work the way they used to in the dating game. Going to dating advice pages or relationship experts is usually futile because they are geared towards a typical kind of male behavior that you probably won't find in submissive men.

They are a completely different animal. They think and feel differently from the regular guys, and this means that you have to deal with them in another way.

2. You have to take charge.

Most women who are attracted to submissive men will have a dominant side to them. One complaint I've heard and read a lot from these types of women is that there are no submissive men.

They get many guys approaching them, claiming to be submissive, but once the relationship gets going, they don't want to have the woman take charge at all. I can imagine this happening all the time. Their mistake is that they're still thinking like prey.

3. Be wary of men who claim to be submissive.

In dating submissive men, the woman must change her approach. You are now the hunter, and he is the prey. Don't sit there waiting for someone to pick you up because that's already giving up control and letting someone else take charge.

The kind of men who have approached you are the hunters, so it's perfectly logical that they won't be truly submissive. They may have said that they like strong women who are in charge, and they might even believe it themselves (imagining something like, "Wouldn't it be awesome if she was in charge?"), but it's unlikely that it will last beyond the honeymoon.

You need to become the hunter. You know what kind of man you want. So go and find him and just pick him up like the trophy he is. The truly submissive men are out there waiting for exactly that to happen.

Of course, it's still far from foolproof, but it's an angle you should try. That leads to the obvious question of where to find your targets. Well, that's a little bit like asking, "Where do I find kind people?" It's easier to answer where you won't find them.

4. Visit different locations to meet men.

They are unlikely to be found where regular guys like to hang out. This is because such men often prefer to mix with women or other sensitive men. It's not that they don't also go to bars and clubs, but when they're there, they'll probably put on a front to appear confident and strong.

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How to Recognize a Sensitive/Submissive Man

• Take note of their demeanor when it comes to opening up about their feelings or emotions. Sensitive guys tend to be more reserved.
• Sensitive guys often take things very personally. Pay attention if they get hurt easily. In addition, they tend to avoid talking about what offended them.
• Submissive guys tend to be very attentive listeners.
• They may be uncomfortable in large crowds. Pay attention if they are not into big parties.
• Take note if they struggle to make any type of choice.
• If you try to hide your feelings around them, sensitive guys can often pick up on small cues that give away your true feelings. They can at least tell you're hiding something.
• They enjoy conversations about the bigger and deeper things in life. Pay attention if you notice that they move beyond surface-level chat.

5 Tips for Dating a Submissive Man

Here are some things to keep in mind when you are in a relationship with a submissive man.

1. Take the reigns.

A sensitive man will have expectations of you. A big one you must meet is taking charge most of the time. You have to be honest with yourself if this is something you can do. If not, then dating a submissive man may not be the best for you.

2. Treat him as an equal.

Being dominant does not mean you can lack respect for your man. He is still a human with feelings that should be treated as an equal in your relationship. You should get to know of any boundaries or limits early in your relationship.

3. Be cautious when you are upset.

You are bound to have arguments in any relationship. Keep in mind that a sensitive man may take something you say very hard. Try to understand things or topics that are sensitive to him and avoid them. Keep in mind that they will likely feel bad about things they've said as well.

4. Be a good listener.

Being open and vulnerable may be challenging for a guy. Always hear them out, and make them feel comfortable in knowing they can talk to you.

5. Be open about your feelings.

A sensitive guy will know something is wrong without you telling him. Being open with him will let him know that you trust him. Remember that he will likely lower his guard around you, so he will appreciate the same.

Benefits of Dating a Submissive Man

• They are intuitive to your thoughts and feelings. They are emotionally responsive as they often relate more to your feelings.
• A submissive man is ideal if you really like doing things your way. You should be sure if they are fine with how you run things, but they will generally be content with whatever makes you happy.
• They are more than happy to cater to your needs in a relationship. They will often go out of their way to make you happy.
• They often behave like traditional gentlemen. They will do exaggerated acts of chivalry and defer toward women. Expect to be asked a lot if things are to your liking.

Drawbacks of Dating Submissive Men

• A sensitive guy may be prone to anxiety or depression. It is important that you take the role of supporting him and easing whatever troubles he may have.
• Their submissive nature may make them an emotional sponge of sorts. They could absorb any negativity you give off. Try to stay upbeat since your mood may affect them as well.
• Sensitive guys often have a hard time making decisions. They fear making a wrong choice; it doesn't matter if the choice is big or small. Being a frequent decision-maker will be vital in the relationship.
• You can't be too dependent on them. Sensitive men often take on the troubles of those close to them. Placing your own worries or troubles on him may overburden him.
• They may need time to adjust when the relationship begins. They may need some time alone or can seem hesitant at times.

My Experience With Sensitive Men

I have an affinity for soft and sensitive men (not to the exclusion of masculine men, though). This has also drawn me to men that tend to be the shy type. At parties, I was always more interested in the boys standing on the side, the introverted types (only later I realized that the men I really wanted were probably not to be found at such parties). I’ve also had my share of disappointments in this area, though.

Many of the shy, sensitive men turned out to be the opposite when I got to know them. I’ve heard that men who date strong women get the same kind of disappointment.

They say that many women just put on a confident front but really don’t want to be strong at all. I think these misunderstandings are a result of too many people pretending to be something that they’re not.

We feel the pressure to act a certain way in society, and so we give the wrong idea about ourselves. And likewise, everybody else is doing the same thing, so most people we meet are nothing like what they seem.

I was guilty of this myself, and I’m sure many women and men have the same problem. It’s down to a lack of public honesty, really. I doubt it’ll change anytime soon, so we all have to accept the fact that finding someone who matches our personality is very much a gamble.

What I Like About Them

It’s closely related to my attraction to feminine men. I feel much more of a connection to them, and we can get much closer emotionally. I also get a strong maternal instinct kicking in when I see a man vulnerable and submissive. It makes me want to hold and protect him just like you’d do with a kitten. I know it sounds crazy.

From a physical perspective, sensitive men seem to be more open to having fun mutually. That is the word really: mutual. With submissive men, everything is more mutual, whether it’s responsibility, earning, or making decisions. That is, of course, a great basis for a long-term relationship.

Further Reading

• 12 Tips for Dating a Shy Guy
  This article will help you with your shy man. I will discuss everything from tips on flirting with him to kissing him to what clothes you should wear.
• How to Make Your Boyfriend More Confident: Getting a Shy Guy Out of His Shell
  Bolstering your man's self-confidence is a subtle art—but with the right approach, you can support your partner in their process of self-discovery and bask in his blossoming self-esteem.
• The Maths Behind Dating: Optimal Stopping Theory
  When dating, should you choose to settle down with the first person you date, or should you get a few dates under your belt before choosing? Find out what the maths says in this fun article about the optimal stopping theory.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Comments

Sai on July 20, 2020:

True about submissive and sensitive men. I could relate to every line of what you wrote

Zicker on May 26, 2020:

The genders here doesn't seem to matter, this article is good in both ways, same-sex-way etc. :)

Filip on March 03, 2020:

I really love this article there are things i didnt know about myself i noticed that i get anxiety when everybody around me is sad because i try to help everybody i blame myself for everything everybody i was with was submissive which forced me to switch even tho i hated it i tried my best but now i am again alone :D searching for somebody who isnt a sub its so hard tho (I am 15 so i am young and i have a lot of time but still)

Mai on January 17, 2020:

I am so glad to see all these comments of submissive men, it gives me hope for my dating future cause I refuse to have the same old same old relationship, where I can't be myself, again.

Nic on December 11, 2019:

i love submissive men (asian men are the best) i would love to meet a submissive nordic man to take care of him and love of course

A.A.J.Z. on September 26, 2019:

Thank you Lucy! I am from a country where we have stupid traditional gender roles, and I decided to avoid dating and marriage altogether, because for me a dominant male is just a huge turn off. The only ones I can relate to are an empathetic sensitive kind, I've met a couple of them but they still feel like they have to fake that they are a dominant male with me, and it's sort off turning me off as well. I want a true friend and someone who cares about my feelings, not someone who would push me around as they please. But what you say about parties and taking charge is right, I noticed the same things.

Ares on July 13, 2019:

Aah my heart is melting for those who are in a relationship and their other halves start trying to change them. Be who you are baby if they try to change your ways pleaaase explain to them why its important that you are the way you are cause it can lead to bad decisions in the future. Im sad and happy for you sub’s . Sad cause you cant express yourself fully in the world without being called names or having to deal with a bad relationship /sexual expiriance, happy cause the stories ive read make my heart litteraly melt some are so sweet yet bitter ,its truly amaizing seeing you finally accepting to be what you are and being proud of it even if it means changes in a relationship. Hope you’re doing great if youre reading this! Love you all so much ❤️

Limpet on July 08, 2019:

Thought I'd revisit the site for any recent input.

SomeSubmissiveGuy on July 04, 2019:

Found this article very helpful and comforting as a guy Who tries to come across as strong and confident but under the layers is sensitive and submissive. Try to deny my natural way of being and of course it never works . Read some of the comments below and appreciate it is not easy finding someone compatible. I think the author is absolutely right though you have to put it out there and be who you are otherwise it’s deception and ultimately disappointment

tom on June 28, 2019:

Submissive is not the right term since it is more symbiotic where both feed of the other and nurture each other. The dominant female often is willing to sacrifice for her submissive male because she values him and the same for the male. Of course the woman may requir that her man do things to prove his subission and it can be hard

Sam on June 24, 2019:

This makes me feel a lot more confident about myself as a submissive male, thanks

Andrey on May 17, 2019:

Wow, this is literally me

it is a pity that we in Russia have very strong traditions of Patriarchy and therefore it is almost impossible to find strong women

kato the slave. on April 15, 2019:

Babeee, you got to be cruel to be kind !

kato the slave. on April 10, 2019:

Don't hear very much about the 'Battle of the sexes' these days !

knarf the hermit. on April 05, 2019:

The FEMALE of the species is deadlier than the mere male.

Reson on March 31, 2019:

@Snarf the hermit, you are just a rude one.

Its people like you that make it seem like there is a faction of people who intentionally want all men to be as redundant as you want them to be. I don't want a world where either gender is regarded as "redundant".

People have always been will forever be different just by being who they are. A lot of us forget that fact, then use societies expectations to justify who is "Suitable" or "Redundant".

Anyways, you are only part of a few in a billion.

Vincent Hartgeaves on March 27, 2019:

Ill give you a little back story of why submissive males came to be. They grew up with strong female roles in there family and most likely didn't grow up with a father figure and thats a BIG topic not to cross into. And also as a submissive male I would like to find a dominant girl friend but they are hard to find any idea's on where i could find a dominant woman?

Diane on March 27, 2019:

Just began dating a submissive/sensitive man a month or so ago. He’s absolutely wonderful however this article is truthful in how to find them. I met him at work and he hates parties and large crowds. This article is pretty spot on (I know him well because we’ve been friends for a long time)

Kath on March 14, 2019:

I've always wanted to have a submissive boyfriend because I want to make him feel secure and happy around me. Sadly, I've never been able to know anyone who's like this.

Knarf the hermit. on March 08, 2019:

males are now a redundant entity.

Daif on February 24, 2019:

Took me years to discover that i am submissive or gender reversed and my dating life is a miss and i feel like needing support cause thats a lot to deal with alone most girls just see me attractive and handsome at the begging evenflirt with me which makes me happy but when they talk to me and discover who really m i they just leave thats made me hate dating or anything related its like a false hope for me that gives me nothing but hurting and emotion destroying i wish there were real dating apps for people like us but who would do a dating app for minority of the minority simply unprofitable god why its so hard to find the good match when i am completely on my self

Knarf the hermit. on February 15, 2019:

WOMEN are only interested in winners, unsuitable is strictly for losers.

Kato the slave. on February 07, 2019:

You've come a long way 'BABEE' to get where you're gonna go !

Kato the slave. on January 21, 2019:

Never underestimate the power of Woman !

Kato the slave. on January 17, 2019:

CORRECTION DISCIPLINE PUNISHMENT.

Alex1940 on January 11, 2019:

It is so sad that people don't like other because some like other things some are sub some are dom sometime it is nice to give up control there are a lot of dom men not that many dom lady out there I wish they would come out the sub men need you very much thank you sub alex1940

Knarf the hermit. on January 09, 2019:

There is no jewell more precious than WOMAN !

Dashaun Reagan on January 05, 2019:

Okay so like im a sub dude right almost 21 ayyy

wally on January 04, 2019:

I would love to find a woman who would dominate me.A take charge in control woman especiall in the bed room

H. Hudson on December 31, 2018:

I found your thoughts on this socially and psychologically complex subject to be well-reasoned and a useful guide. As a slightly submissive male, I use disappointed to see you place some of your thoughts about submissive men in very close proximity to feminine men. I grant you didn't ever same they were one and the same -- or even closely related -- personality by gender types, but especially for a man still begining to explore a seldom spoken of a relationship between a slightly (or more) dominant-personality woman and a slightly or more submissive male. In common parlance, the term "feminine men" is most likely to be "heard" as "effeminate men" -- but the latter refers to behavioral, observablt traits associated with women.

In my case, my friends (male and female) think of me as one with an unusually high respect for women as individuals and as a gender. They have surmised that from seeing my commitment to equal employment opportunity, and to believing that treating women as in any generalized way as not entitled to equality in and out of the workplace as discrimination and not to be tolerated.

Kato the slave. on December 21, 2018:

Hail to the naturally superior gender.

Max on December 12, 2018:

Submissive men aka easy going, nice guys needed women to know this long ago. Sometimes we get mistaken for arrogant or stuck up because we don't approach women at clubs. Fast women expect us to be something we are not. We are skiddish and actually really enjoy the attention and company of an attractive women that has the patience to get to know us.

wyatt105 on December 08, 2018:

I love for a aggressive, dominant woman to take charge. I am 6'1 270 pds and A bodybuilder. I shave my legs, underarms, and ass for my Woman. Where are all of you nasty dom girls!!!!!

Flashy on November 29, 2018:

I feel related to your article in almost everyway. After reading it, it appeared to be clear in my mind that I don't need to act a certain way, despite everyone around me expecting and pressuring me to. Thank you Lucy c:

Limpet on October 05, 2018:

On a visit to the clairvoyant before the reading got started she said 'You don't have a girlfriend.' Very perceptive but i didn't respond hoping something positive would show in her reading.

Just an average guy on September 23, 2018:

Honestly i relate deeply to this article. I am a submissive male and the things stated are pretty accurate (in terms from my point of view) being submissive as a male in a relationship is great but i do realize that a lot of females aren't dominant and that's the biggest problem I've ever run into when trying to date.

Subby on September 22, 2018:

Where to find that submissive man? Book stores, Department stores,on line clothing locations,shoes department,gym.

Mark on September 21, 2018:

WOW...

You've just described me to a T

Pedro on September 19, 2018:

i am certainly not young, but i most certainly have gone through life as a positive - proactive male now though in my early 60's i find my true vocation as a submissive male, and so happy being so!

Limpet. on September 19, 2018:

I am reading the autobiography of a retired secret agent. This guy was so tough in his profession yet unable to have a relationship as it might 'blow his cover'. Therefor his team mates were his family.

LIMPET on September 14, 2018:

THE FUTURE IS FEMININE !

Kato the slave. on September 10, 2018:

All males wish to make the superior gender happy.

Random reader on September 02, 2018:

Using the term submissive men to talk about men who like when girls chose too? opposing shy men to masculine men?

August on August 22, 2018:

Very intuitive article. It gives a reasonable factual assessment of many men’s feelings that are sensitive and somewhat submissive. Is this one is and he is seeking out the More Dominant type Woman.

paul hughett on August 15, 2018:

I was born submissive, that is who I am.

JJ on August 13, 2018:

I really dislike this advice. I am old school and men need to be men. When they see a woman they like the approach her period. What she does next is her choice. Being an introvert myself. I found out all the best masculine men in in the acting industry are introverts. Brad Pitt, Clint Eastwood. Ficitional characters that are also introverted include James Bond,Batman, Spiderman, Green Arrow. Come on, why are so many women attracted to these men? Cause they are mysterious but they are not pussies. I do feel at times feel to get emotional and show my vunerabilty. But I always have to retreat to my fall back state of being a man. I once dated a woman that was way more successful and confident than I was. But I really like how she made me feel like a man and let me take the reins and let me do whatever I wanted :). Anyways men need to be men that was what women are attracted to not a boy that needs his mommy. You can do that with you own mom :P

Kato the slave. on July 30, 2018:

The female of the species is more deadly than the males.

Limpet on July 20, 2018:

When once i was rejected by a potential girl friend i asked her 'why? Her response was ' If you were the last man on Earth, i'd start looking at other women !

wade truitt on July 09, 2018:

Hello let me start by sayig I

enjoyed every word. I guess

you could say I am overly

submissie male, for me their is no

hideing it or trying to put up a front. Once I knew my place was

at the side of a strong dominant woman, I understood who I was what I was made for

an not what soiety tride program me to be. Thank You for the article

Capt Wade G Truitt

anonymous sub on June 07, 2018:

As a sub man, I appreciate this article because it's not full of odd bullshit like half of the other articles about people like me.

That's all. Thanks.

David D on May 11, 2018:

I've always been a strong and, I think, masculine guy, but I feel naturally submissive to Women. I believe Women in general are superior beings. There is nothing more powerful on Earth than a strong Woman.

I was fortunate to have been raised by my mother and two older sisters, and blessed to have two amazing daughters, now grown.

I am so, so lucky to be in a relationship with a strong, dominant Woman who is also nurturing and kind.

Limpet on April 06, 2018:

The only hope for the future of civilization is for the Ladies to take their rightful place in society as the superior gender. Their accomplishments thus far in the new millenium ensure the future is Feminine.

Mark Wert on March 26, 2018:

Wish I could meet a dominant woman. Life would be better. I have an extremely soft, sensitive and feminine side. I prefer doing housework (ALL HOUSEWORK) as opposed to say watching sports. When a woman and I go out to a restaurant I would

rather select which one and order for us both. I am definitely into doing what used to be called women's work. I have no issue being the housewife as it is now defined.

Texascyclone on December 04, 2017:

I am very new to the possibilities of the D&S lifestyle. I am wanting to know what to say to someone who wants me to be the Dom. He has explained what he basically wants. We have not met yet. When I take on the pursuing role he withdraws. It's something I don't understand. He stops communicating to me. We have connected on a great level and then out of the blue, he disappears. This has happened twice now. When I tried to get us to meet this time, he has gone MIA again. Neither one of us has ever done this before. I really like him. I like talking to him, we have talked for hours and hours. This probably isn't enough info to make comments however if anyone has an idea of some texts what would touch him and get him back talking, wanting to meet, I would appreciate it.

valardohaeris on November 26, 2017:

Article held promise but feels unfinished. It's supposed to be about dating submissive men (Msubs), ya? But zero advice on that.

More like 'searching for Msubs'.

Even then no real help.

Can't find Msubs in bars?- no shit. WHERE then?

Men wear a Msubs mask to fulfill a fantasy? Yeah. Noticed. How can you tell who's who then?

You like Msubs? Aw that's sweet, but not why I clicked on the article.

If you have nothing to say about dating a submissive man then please do us all a favor and don't call your piece "dating a submissive man".

-a woman who wants her time back.

ALWJ on November 08, 2017:

Ive always been sumisive since i can remember. My feance wants me to be more dominant but ive been faking it all my like and im tired. I hate having to just "be confident" its like a consyant performance i put on for evryone i know. When i met her i fell in love because i could be myself around her but its been over a year and we got engaged and now she keeps telling me that she hates how im always submissive. Recently ive been acting around her like i do around evryone else but as much as i love her i feel myself drifting away. I dont want to spend as much time with her and im just always tired. She wants sex i want sleep. Shes so happy now and im just miserable. I try to talk to her about it but then she feels bad i apologize and nothing changes. I dont know how long i can keep this up. Idk why i saying this here. I was looking up how how not to be submissive and found this. I guess its the first time in my life i felt normalish about it and seen it put into words. idk