Silva has a background as a technical writer. In addition to how-to articles, she writes about cooking, travel, and personal experiences.
Are you in love with a sociopath? Sociopaths can ruin your life. Do you have a sociopath in your life?
I am speaking to the single mom who desperately needs a partner, both emotionally and financially. To the lonely teenager wanting someone to be close to. To the widow who misses sharing her life with a male companion. To the young man who wishes he had a beautiful girl to take out and show off to his friends. To the older man who is flattered by the attention and availability of a much younger woman.
And even to the happy, socially adept person who isn’t looking for companionship but suddenly finds the most wonderful person out of the blue; someone who may be too good to be true.
The hubpage http://hubpages.com/hub/THE-PSYCHOPATH-NEXT-DOOR contains a list of traits that you can use as a check list when considering your new girlfriend or boyfriend. Please check it out, print it out, and really think about and analyze your new acquaintance’s personality before you take things further.
The problem that we see time and time again is that people do not research the term sociopath until they are already entangled with one. If only we could get the word out so that you would do your research BEFORE you fall in love with one. Once you become entangled with a sociopath, you will be left destitute and heartbroken and then you will take them back again!
The point I am making is that many sociopaths don't attract the attention of law enforcement and the justice system, so they are never actually registered, or formally counted, as a sociopath.
From my experience and based on the comments on this article, there are many more sociopaths in the general population than previously believed.
When you embark upon a new relationship, give yourself some time. With time, the symptoms start to appear. The first tiny cracks in the façade show up.
It is typical, when you get involved with a sociopath, that they want to rush things, they want you to move in together, they want to combine finances ... Imagine how much better it will be if you do not allow the relationship to become intimate just yet.
There are many stories out there, from both female and male victims, from people of all ages and circumstances, about how difficult it is to dislodge a sociopath from your life. Think how much easier it will be for you if you do not allow them to gain control, to worm their way into your affections, your social circle, and your home.
In the beginning it is easy, even exciting and rewarding up to a point, to get caught up in the drama that a sociopath generates. They are often upset and angry and full of stories about their ex who is a psychopath (they say), their boss who treats them unfairly, co-workers who lie about them, ex-friends who betrayed them, and family members who shut them out or try to steal from them. They make lots of phone calls and text messages and draw you deeper into their world.
They can be charming, funny, witty, sexy, and appear to be loving and caring. But the attention is always turned back to what they want, what they need, what they will have, due to their narcissistic view of themselves and their mind-boggling sense of entitlement.
An example is the sociopathic entrepreneur who feels that his abilities, combined with your money, will enable him to rise above the herd and become wildly successful. When this doesn’t work out, it’s never his fault. He shows no concern for the devastation his actions have caused, and places the blame squarely upon others. If he is temporarily successful, he usually blows through money in a short time and has a tendency to brag about his accomplishments.
If you are useful to the sociopath, he or she will remain connected to you. They may view you as a possession. They want access to your money, your home, and your relationships with others. They sometimes isolate you from your friends and drive a wedge between you and your friends by mocking them and putting them down. They tend to be unappreciative of what you do for them, minimizing your contributions and always wanting more.
While some sociopaths commit crimes, most of them simply go through life creating havoc and taking what they want. They usually engage in a series of casual sexual relationships. Each one begins with a high sense of hope and dramatic displays of feeling. Over time, the careful observer will note that these dramas are short-lived and lacking in depth. Series of sexual relationships, job-hopping, many career changes and location changes all feed their need for excitement.
Their credit history may reveal the irresponsibility of the sociopath. The empty promises to pay child support, the unpaid credit card debts, the personal loans never repaid, all contribute to the overall picture that emerges.
Some sociopaths have a quick temper and engage in impulsive acts that leave others puzzled. The sociopath may quit without notice, constantly change plans, break off a friendship, and move to another state, and leave children, friends, co-workers, and family members damaged in the aftermath.
This behavior has roots in childhood and the sociopath takes full advantage of that, constantly retelling the story of his dysfunctional family to engage you. These stories elicit your sympathy and awaken in you the desire to make things better.
Just recognize the hardest thing, that there is NOTHING you can do to change this person.
I repeat, you cannot change this person.
You can pour your love, your sympathy, your caring, your time, and your money into this relationship, and you can sacrifice your other relationships, and NOTHING will change this person. Please recognize that -- the earlier in the relationship you figure this out, the safer it will be for you. If the sociopath has already damaged you, forgive him or her, but move on.
Therapy cannot help a sociopath to change. In fact, it is widely believed that therapy actually makes a sociopath worse! They are not able to connect to the therapist. They are not going to tell the therapist the truth; therefore, the therapist is not working with full knowledge and cannot be effective. The sociopath, however, feels even more empowered than before, since he or she is fooling a professional, feeding them a warped description of their life events, and enjoying their full attention.
Unfortunately, if a member of your family is a sociopath, I don’t have any advice for you although I wish whole-heartedly that I did. When there are complicated ties, such as children or elderly parents, it is difficult to distance yourself from such a family member. A sociopath usually damages the entire family.
One can only hope for some outside influence that will change the dynamics of the relationship. If the sociopath comes into a lot of money it will provide a natural means of putting physical distance between you since they won’t need you any longer. However, if you are the one who comes into a lot of money, it will make the situation worse, since sociopaths are drawn to money.
Hoping that the person will change and continually looking for some kindness and empathy from that person is the most likely state of mind of a family member, but that change -- that kindness -- that empathy -- never comes. The sociopath usually continues to cause pain throughout the relationship up to the bitter end. It’s a sad chronic affliction and there is no cure.
Some highly intelligent or charismatic psychopaths and sociopaths ply their trade on a broader scale; they percolate up into the top strata of society; they become politicians, investment counselors, or captains of industry and attempt to rule us and/or take all our money.
Here's an interesting take on this problem: Parasitic relationships! http://ehealer.hubpages.com/hub/Signs-that-You-are-in-a-Parasitic-Relationship
Here's a good article that highlights one way to spot a sociopath; they are often bored, and they generate drama to relieve their boredom. They create problems where none exist and pick fights just for entertainment! It is my opinion that they enter into self-induced manic-depressive states to relieve their chronic boredom.
Remember the classic tactics of the sociopath: Their behavior has a name and an acronym- DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
Comments, cautionary tales? I posted a link to this hubpage on a message board, and every poster who commented knew at least one sociopath. They offered their stories which all corroborated my conclusions about how tough it is to rid your life of one.
Please be careful in your choices, and tell me your stories.
1/27/13 -- Oh my -- does anyone here watch "Vanderpump Rules" on Bravo? Jax - Sur bartender - is he the poster boy for the definition of a Sociopath? He has sex with the girl friend of his best friend of 10 years, and he feels no remorse? Wow. Then he repeatedly lies and denies it. He stares directly into the camera and states that he feels no remorse. The girlfriend clearly has issues, and obviously she owed her boyfriend fidelity, but I'm talking about Jax. I'm just shocked. His narcissistic tendencies have been clear all along, but after tonight's episode, I'm upgrading him.
“Some people don’t love you, they don’t even care about you. They just want to stay connected to you. They love the benefits, so they do the minimal … a little phone call here and there, just checkin’ in, thinkin’ about you, etc. What they are really doing is: maintainin’ a connection, so when they need you, they still have a way in.” (I'm not sure who to credit this to; it's out there on the internet in several places.)
How to Spot a Sociopath
Kelly on September 12, 2016:
I just found out my husband has been diagnosed a severe sociopath. We have been together 24 years and I love him, but it's been hell. Many affairs. He just recently got caught in another one, and he went to the mental hospital. And they diagnosed him. I have forgiven so much. Drove myself and our kids crazy. Reading this it seems there is no hope. He is at the psychiatrist now and they will likely give him prescriptions. But it seems there is no use. I do feel sorry for him because this likely stemmed from his terrible childhood abuse. I am afraid he will kill himself if I leave him. I don't think he would harm any of us. But I believe he very likely will harm himself. But this relationship is exhausting. It's ruined my self esteem. I have become agoraphobic and rarely leave the house. I feel stuck.
Marie Cresta on May 06, 2016:
I let John Wilson and his son Chez move in to my apartment around Feb. 2005. He never paid for anything. He told me he had just gotten custody of his son (8 yrs. old) . He didn’t want me to ask him about his mom because he said it would upset him but in actuality John Wilson had his son since he was 3 yrs. Old. I did everything for his son to try and take away his pain. I took him to summer camp everyday before I went to work and paid for the tuition. Around June 15th 2005 he asked me to marry him and a week later he asked to borrow $20,000.00 for his gym, Delco Brazillian Jui-Jitsu. I asked him if he wanted to marry me because he wanted to borrow this money. He acted like I insulted him and said the gym is for both of us. The money was from the inheritance my dad had just left me (over $63,000.00) and I was going to put it back in the bank when John Wilson gave it back to me but he hasn’t repaid me yet even though down the police station he told them it was $10,000.00 and he didn’t remember whether he paid me back in cash or with a check. The police never made him verify this. He told his lawyer that it was a gift. In March 2006 we got a house together and I paid for $2,4555.00 upgrade, $10,000.00 down payment, $9,000.00 closing cost and every house payment (we both were going to pay and I didn’t know) came out of my bank account. John Wilson told me when he sold his house 3172 Bethel Rd. Feltonville, Pa. he would put it towards our house but I didn’t know the house was in him and his ex-wife’s name. I found out later that he wrote a check for their mortgage from my bank account and forged my name. He stole the mail and all my concentration was taking care of his son because I never had kids and loved them. He knew this. When we moved into the house about a week later this woman called (Heike Calhoun and her friend) and said they both were going out with John. He pulled the phone and said this woman was stalking him. This woman left a note on my doorstep the next day and it said how much she cared about him and he is on Match.com. (It was on my computer but I didn’t know how to look up this info at the time. I found out later he was corresponding with a lot of woman and probably used my red Firebird I allowed him to use and thought it was for work but picking them up and going over Heike Calhoun’s house with his son) so I drove up to the gym with John Wilson’s son and gave him the letter and wanted to know what was going on and he said the same thing she is stalking him. When I left he called me and told me Heike was following me and his son acted like he was scared but in actuality I found out later he was going over her house with his dad. The next day I filled out a police report and told them Heike Calhoun was following me. So about a month later John Wilson came home and said why don’t you get a couple of credit cards just in case you need them. I didn’t understand why I got 2 credit cards because I already had about ten of them and (thank God John Wilson didn’t know this because I would have been in more debt than I am in now) never carried a balance on any of my cards. I found out later he fraudulently used over $18,000.00 worth of credit cards behind my back because he would steal the mail. This one day John Wilson was supposedly going to work and Heike Calhoun was following him. His son got a bat and acted like he was scared of her. John Wilson told me to call the police. The cops called John Wilson up and told him to go to the courthouse and get a Order Of Protection. He acted like he was going to do this but in actuality he was going to Heike Calhoun’s instead of work. I was always living in fear that Heike Calhoun would hurt me. This one day I found this black book hidden under his clothes. I opened it and found a lot of names and found a star above my name. I was panicking and didn’t know what to do. I was confused and asked him about this and he said it was something he should have thrown away. I believe now this was all his victims in this book. In Sept. I came back from the shore confronting my girlfriend about everything that was going on and it seemed weird he wouldn’t bring his checks home. He said he kept them at the gym. She told me to check things out. I came home and told him I was going to Acme and I needed my keys for my Firebird because I was low on gas. I felt under the seat and there were rubbers and a lot of dirty magazines. I froze and didn’t look at all the paperwork he had in my car. It was my car and he must have had me so controlled. I have never been through anything like this before. I’m not a confrontational person but I asked him what is this for. He said I shouldn’t have let you take the car(even though it was mine) and said stay out of my shit and pushed me down. I was stunned, no one ever raised their voice at me and never ever put a hand on me before. I have never been so petrified in my life. I was on the phone with my niece and John Wilson came out and I saw his son’s face and I couldn’t call the cops because it looked like he had been through this before. After a week he came home and tried to explain it away. I was trying to figure things out but couldn’t imagine what danger I was in. I made stir fry that night and fed it to his son then went upstairs to eat with John Wilson and there was glass in my food. He said I probably broke the sauce jar but his son’s food didn’t have it in it. The next day John Wilson had big pieces of broken glass on the side of his plate. Somehow it just didn’t register in my brain what was going on. Later on I found beer bottles underneath the sink. A couple days after that I had a drink and when I got up in the morning everything was spinning and I felt really sick. John Wilson went to work. I had to crawl to the bathroom and I was so sick I called him home. I don’t know what he put in my system but I was still dizzy thereafter. I told the police later what happened but they wouldn’t let me document it because they said why didn’t I bring the glass right down. In my wildest dreams I could never imagine that someone could ever try to hurt me like this. On Nov. 9 2007 Heike Calhoun’s friend said she knows about me but I don’t know about her. I called Heike Calhoun and met her at John Wilson’s gym. When I pulled up Heike Calhoun and John Wilson were standing outside and all I said I was with you. I saw 3 cops outside and told them I just found out this man conned me out of money(not knowing at the time the extent of the devastation he put me through) I asked them to get my car keys from John Wilson for my Firebird. They went inside and when they came out the cops told me to stand there and be quiet while they held their hand in front of me and allowed him to take everything out of my car. I was stunned that this was my property and after I had just told them about him conning me out of money. Heike Calhoun’s son who was 16yrs. old said that John Wilson needed a court order to do this. I found out later that the cops allowed John Wilson to steal my computer and I couldn’t do a thing about it even though I still have my receipt. The cops knew him because of him being a Jiu-Jitsu instructor. I talked to the police chief and the mayor and nothing has been done yet. I showed the police all the checks he forged even signing his own name, fraudulently using my credit cards and they had the reports down the police station that Heike Calhoun was supposedly stalking him but in this together. He even locked me out of my house and one neighbor that knew his son asked him were I was and his son said we had a fight and I moved out. Which was a complete lie. He told her Heike was moving in with her children. The woman that was stalking him and my name was on the mortgage and I paid for everything. They had to know they both were in this together. They had these police reports. Heike Calhoun’s mail went to my address. It was a house she was buying. I showed the cops this and they said it was none of my business. This woman that was supposedly stalking John and they could clearly see I was a crime victim by these 2 expert con artists. The rest wouldn't fit
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on February 12, 2015:
I cannot tell you what to do. My (untrained) instincts say that you should run fast and far. Neither you nor I can diagnose his condition; perhaps a professional could. In any case, no matter what he is labeled, it doesn't sound like a good relationship is possible. Good luck.
ConfusedGirl on February 12, 2015:
Okay, so my situation is a little different than the majority of posts I've read on this thread. I met my boyfriend online, on a 3D virtual universe 3 years ago. He's everything I ever wanted, but wasn't at first. We started off slow, as friends for a very long time, only chatting now and then with very long periods of time between. I knew that I liked him some, but it didn't get as far as "I love yous" at that point. After about a year of talking on and off, we started to get intimate. I began to learn more about him, or at least I thought I did. In retrospect I guess I still to this day don't know that much about him, though to be fair I withold just as much information as I am in a difficult real life situation. Regardless, we fell in love. It was rocky at first, he'd disappear for weeks at a time without so much as a goodbye. A few times the length of time he was gone led me to believe he was dead. He always came back though, at a very convenient time, right when I was close to getting over him (though there's no real evidence that he could have known that). I've never known him to be a liar or a con, though he does have a criminal background. He lives with his mother, and is only 20 years old. (I am 21). We've had some issues, but nothing major. I've never felt like I couldn't trust him, in fact it's the complete opposite. I trust him with my life. Though recent events has me thinking that wasn't the best idea. He told me the other day that he is a sociopath. He told me his definition of one, he told me that he doesn't feel remorse or empathy for people. He commits crimes and he lies pathologically. He finds it easier to lie than to tell the truth. But he told me that he's never lied to me, and to be quite frank, even knowing all of this now, I believe him. Sure he may have stretched the truth on certain arbitrary things, like what he was doing Thursday night, but nothing important has been a lie as far as I know (I've looked into it deeper now). The thing that really stung with me was that he told me that he doesn't love the way normal people do. He said that his love is selfish and that I am his obsession. That sounded fine to me at first, after all, he has absolutely nothing to gain by being with me. I don't give him money, I don't do anything that would benefit him financially or anything other than emotionally, which sociopaths aren't supposed to care about. But he told me that he wouldn't die for me. He said that he would kill for me certainly, but that he's not sure if he'd die for me. Now I know that sounds like not a big deal, you can't really ask that of someone and I'm sure most people would feel iffy on that sort of request, but it really hurt me to hear him say that. I'm not even sure if I would die for him either, but I'd never say that to his face. And I'd definitely like to think that I am noble enough to take a bullet for anyone really, even a stranger purely because I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I was the reason that person died. I'm rambling now, just trying to sort out my own thoughts, but basically I'm just trying to figure out if he's actually a sociopath. Everything I've found online about this mental illness, all the symptoms and diagnostics, lead me to believe that he does not have aspd. After all, don't most sociopaths refuse to admit what they are? Why would he tell me this if he know I have access to Google, where all the forums and pages just tell me negative things about the disease? Is he trying to push me away? Is he misdiagnosing himself? Most forums also tell me that the sociopath has ways to keep you around. They will feed you lies and convince you that they love you in order to keep you around. But he's never done that. He has always been so upfront and honest with me. He's told me many times how I deserve better than him. But he's also told me how much he loves me, and how he wants to be with me if I can accept him for who he is; which I do. I just need to know what I should do, because all the evidence is disproving his theory that he has aspd and I am nowhere near prepared to let him go. Please help me. I need some advice.
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on December 20, 2014:
Yes, wow, that is indeed a wakeup call! Glad you have the courage to maintain your policy of No Contact which is the only way.
Angel31 on December 20, 2014:
Yes, silva. Everything is still fresh, and to be honest, I really find it hard holding up. I have these urges to email or pm him. I wanted to confront him that he manipulated me, took my life hostage and whatnot. It took me 2 months to successfully get out of the relationship w/ countless attempts to break up w/him because he would never let go of me(wc is somehow flattering for me because I believe he really loved me). Now, I succesfully dumped him because he is an egoistic loser and it's an insult for him to beg for the 2nd time wc he already did before and we didn't have closure because he is bitter about the breakup. If I didn't got back to my senses, I would have instantly flew to Karachi and be miserable for the rest of my life. He even told me if we'll meet someday, he will never bring me back home to my family as I have to be w/him and I feel very threatened about that. That's a wake up call.
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on December 20, 2014:
Wow, Angel, so fortunate that you did not have a physical relationship and also that he did not access your money. I know it still is damaging to you and hope you can move on without too much emotional damage. Thank you so much for coming here and telling us your story.
Angel31 on December 20, 2014:
Hello silva, I too fell in love with a Sociopath, I only found out today,this is the nth article I have read and it is undeniable that he falls in the category and now it was 4days ago since I broke up with him. The relationship is virtual(thank god), but it did inflicted emotional damage to me because I loved him dearly. He is too good to be true. He can perfectly read me, knows what I want, he even knows me more than my self! He can verbalize what I truly want emotionally and its freaking me out. He's a charming, debonair pakistani and he is unbelievably smart, he perfectly knows what to say and when to say it. Every word he utters hits the bullseye. He acted as a confidant, someone who'd take care of me, I even thought he's my soulmate. But little by little, the symptoms are visible such as he is very secretive, I can hardly understand his mood, easily angered and a control freak. He didn't use me for my money though, but he used my skills to put up a business for him. I'm really thankful that we didn't have a physical sexual relationship because it would have been harder for me to get out from the relationship. Now I'm Picking up the pieces and every inch of me agrees that I did the right thing to dump him.
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on December 01, 2014:
Ash, I just now found your comment and I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier. Thank you for coming here and telling your story. I am happy that you are no longer in this damaging relationship!
Ash on October 28, 2014:
All the stories are just so familiar, yet it is only just dawning on me that I was 'almost' married to a sociopath. It is cathartic to write, so here is my story. I was newly separated from my husband of 23 years and met this man, who apparently 'knew' instantly that we were 'soul mates' a term which I have grown to hate. He was incredibly attentive and bared his life to me, even showing me naked pictures of his numerous conquests. I went home knowing that there was something very wrong with him and got a call as soon as got home crying that he knew I was going to break up with him, stupidly I convinced him that it was ok and that i wouldn't leave him. His family didn't understand him, he had very few friends, he changed jobs frequently, lived in a beautiful village had a fast sports car, expensive motor bike and his own apartment but never enough money to get out of his overdraft! He spent money like it was going out of fashion, then worried he didn't have enough. He'd build up my self esteem only to watch it crumble by 'lovingly' telling me to lose weight, get a boob job or go to the gym. His actions to say the least were often inappropriate, he was constantly late and often depressed, anxious or tearful. he wouldn't have councelling because he knew what was wrong with him and no one could help! I was the only one who knew him well enough and could provide for all his needs. After 3 wks of dating he had convinced me to join a swinging site. He convinced me to buy a 2 seater car when I have 2 children and had me at his beck and call 24/7. He would text/call roughly every 20 minutes to check on me and if I didn't respond some kind of drama would ensue. I know why I stayed so long, it was lovely to be needed so much and to feel as if I was the only woman in the world who could fix him. But of course I'm not, he only wanted me for his own ends, he cheated, lied, manipulated and drained the very life blood from me and yes I lent him money ( which I got back, every penny) and yes I left and went back a year later, but never again! when it sunk in with him that I was on to his game playing, he cut me out of his life in an instant and thank God that he did because I'm not sure that in times of weakness I wouldn't have run back again. After the gifts, fantastic sex and attention cease there is very little that this man has to offer, he is socially inept, not that good looking, utterly selfish, mean and cruel and I would usually have run a mile but I was vunerable as we all are at times and these people prey on just that. As tempting as it is if you're lonely, remember that you self esteem is priceless and it is so much better to be alone than dependant on the whims of such a person, life does get better...much!
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on July 05, 2014:
Without more information, no one can know why. My advice to both you and your mother would be to not have any more contact with him. His behavior is odd. He's already hurt you so don't let him back into your life.
hi i am wedy on July 05, 2014:
just wondered if anyone could add some insight into what i think is a baffling situation. I dated a man about 6 years. He decided to end the relationship buy one night telling me he was moving in with a woman from out of state. I and my '4 year old where hurt. But, he told us to move on. So we slowly, did, somedays more painful than others. However, 7 months pressed forward without a word. Then out of the blue he calls and asks if he can rent from my mother for a few weeks!
Why would he attempt to rent and share my mothers home for 2 weeks.
They were never close and just sounds so bizzare......he has mony to stay at any hotel. Why on earth would he attempt such an unusual situation? shed some light please
Ataloss on July 03, 2014:
Here I am again...Absolutely....what a mess!
Same for me....four years in...had everything I had asked for from him.....got me right up to the point of planning a future life together....then Bam!!
"the mad bitch he has to live with (But doesn''t want to) is suspicious... I have to be careful for a while.....it will make things better for 'us'. " I had him crying.....then getting things muddled...confusing me with someone else again, and spent my days and nights wondering if he was actually doing it deliberately,,,,or if he was back with the other one again ( a few things add up to the other one) ..There have been excuses over and over and he even suggested he could maybe calm her down with a romantic break away (if only he could find the money!).
This was a few months back and I am still waiting for it to ' get better for us'
This time around he has dropped contact to bare minimum.....not even bothering when she is working to send a 'thinking of you'.....and letting me think through omission that she is at home with him.
All it does is hurt twice as much at each recycling...just as much because you know its going to happen, but you're so far in that you allow it to happen again and again.
Nothing he has told me since actually adds up....he only makes time to even speak on the phone if I press it,,,,,he has told me he is going somewhere specific, and then wanted to know where I will be, which shouldn't even matter.
It all goes round and round in my head all the time, and I have had my life on hold all this time with one or two periods when I felt strong enough to let go,,,only to have him pull me back in. The only person feeling good being him.
I have those ' its over now' words typed out ready,,then get the "I love you,miss you, and need you" which makes me back down.
The above poster is correct, it is nothing more than a toxic addiction.
I have spent all this time doubting, suspecting, feeling disappointed, feeling stupid, let down, laughed at, but reeled back in with a few words.
I know it, and I know only I can stop it, I also know I need therapy to help me realise what it is that keeps me hanging on to something which will never be anything.
I am realising that I am addicted to him,and also r
Doubting that its love that I'm feeling, I suppose that's a start.
I think I have Stockholm syndrome.
I just hope that sharing my story may help someone who is at the beginning of theirs, enough for them to get out quick!
Please if your gut tells you things do not add up...let go and move on, who needs all the drama?
alicia82 on June 06, 2014:
Totally agree Gloria. Absolutely......there is a wonderful man out there waiting for you. He is genuine, caring, loyal and trusting....most of all, he will only love you and want to make you happy. Love shouldn't make your head spin or they come in and out of your life, they should be there like a bad smell lol. Let the other women live in misery, you have realised what he is, now you can escape. You should have a bit of comfort in knowing that he is not normal. What else does he have to do to you for you to realise that he isn't a good man? Counselling is wonderful, it will help you.
Gloria on June 06, 2014:
Agreed...after a few years pass you look at all they did and said and you see you were duped. Absolutely, you have got to stop your connection and move on. To linger is not deny yourself time and freedom. Alicia is correct in that he is playing you against her and that excites him to no end. If for some reason you think you are pleasing him by siding with him then I implore you to seek counseling. As soon as he is finished with this little game he will get bored and will come after you and spin your head off your shoulders. It sickens my stomach to see women allowing themselves to be overtaken by these types. Bluntly put....he does not give one s**t about you...swallow that pill and move on. Get therapy.
Alicia82 on June 04, 2014:
Just for the record, my ex wasn't married or seeing someone when we met. It was, I presume, 2.5 years into the relationship that he met this other women. I never knew about her until the week that he got married to her (which was 6 months later). I found out by seeing a photo from his sister and then his sister told me. My ex and I had a long distance relationship. I had my suspicions, as many people seem to have when their partner is cheating.
After he got married, I wanted answers. Of course I abused the crap out of him. 3 weeks later he responded to my abuse with his reasons. From there I listened to what his excuses were. I then used his excuses to move on, however, he still owes me a bit of money. I am not seeing him. Actually, it is the complete opposite. But when you find out these things, it is hard not to go back to that dark time in your life.
Alicia82 on June 04, 2014:
Absolutely.....I think you need to stop listening to her and listening to your ex. They sound like they deserve each other.
As someone that struggled for a while to try and understand the lies and betrayal, I think it gets to a point where you just have to drop it and move on with your life. You don't want to be stuck in the same life that has caused you nothing but confusion and hurt.
A year ago my head was so foggy and I wanted answers to so many questions (that will never be answered). Now my head is no longer foggy and I don't seem to care about the answers to those questions anymore as it will just always lead to more questions and it is just not worth the effort. I am free!
ultradeluxe on June 04, 2014:
Absolutely, I fear that this will not end well for you. Gloria is right - they're both liars, and your socio is only pitting the two of you against each other...my ex did the same thing. It's not love you're feeling, it's dependence and addiction to his actions. It's what you're conditioned to - but make no mistake - the second you doubt him, question his motives, he'll become the monster he was before. And his efforts to tear you down will be doubled.
Looking at your post before this last one, it seemed you were on the right track - no contact, etc. His sudden turnaround isn't real and it won't last long. It never does.
It makes me really sad to see that you've been going through this for so long. When will you have had enough of his shit and walk away for good? You deserve better than what he throws at you, I wish you could see that.
Gloria on June 03, 2014:
Leopards do not change spots. They are both liars and yet you choose one of them? I would encourage you to talk to an expert.
Absolutely on June 01, 2014:
My drama continues. But not with my man but with HER!! (the other woman) She was clearly the sociopath and I just didnt realize it. She convinced me of things that werent even true and didnt even happen. And she wanted me out so badly that she did everything to keep me away.
She has been desperately trying to work her way back into his life. She tells him things and does things to try to turn him again. It is HER. I should have known when she told me her own psychologist dumped her because he felt she was lying and he couldnt help her.
She continually tells him stories about me to try and make him turn against me. He doesnt believe her anymore and tells me everything. She is so desperate.
I could destroy her life with the evidence I have but I am not interested in that. I dont seek to hurt people and I dont need to. But she is constantly trying to destroy mine and his. She is so masterful at lying and she has a network of people that she has under her spell. SHe has turned several of my friends against me. I could have done the same but again, I am not like that.
I am still in love with him and he has been completely forthcoming since this all blew up. He shows me every email/text/call- as they come in. He tells me every word she says, he meets me all of the time now, and he calls often. He is doing everything I had always wanted him to do. He is bending over backwards to prove his love and will answer any question I have. He couldnt do anything more. And I believe him. I trust him now. We have talked at great lengths about what happened and details and what he can do to gain my trust again. He knows she is a liar now and knows she was manipulating us both.
I am not saying by any stretch of the imagination that he is innocent. He is guilty. He cheated. He lied. But he did come clean about it all and told me details of why, how, when, and where. He has done everything that he can possibly do to show me he is being faithful and honest.
I know it sounds crazy. I know I sound stupid. But he has changed and his actions are speaking LOUD. Her actions are speaking LOUDER. It all came into focus. What was happening and why. And it continues because she doesnt just leave. She keeps involved one way or another. Impossible to have no contact. We dont speak anymore and yet she talks about me to others. And it comes back to me. LIES. And she goes to him and tells him things too. He tells her that he doesnt care. She still tries to reel him in.
I am trying my best to keep her away. I will not stand by forever though. I will stand up for myself and if needed I will put an end to this once and for all with the things I have. Her plan all along was to have me leave. But it backfired and now she is scrambling. Her plan came undone and now she has nothing.
Gloria on May 10, 2014:
I have to agree with the woman/man, "just another sinner"(not a healthy choice for a name, btw.) That said, he/she is correct. I will say this in defense of all women who end up with a married man, we are still living in antiquated times when it comes to judgement in matters of affairs.....the woman is the slut, the man "made a mistake" but we all know that is not true..both parties did the deed, both parties screwed up. I was listening to NPR yesterday and they were speaking about how easily Bill Clinton was forgiven for his "deeds" yet Monica Lewinsky to this day is chastised. To quote the speaker "Women are 'slutbashed', men are victims." When more often than not it is the opposite. "It is simply because the women of these cheaters stay with them and therefore have only one course of action to take to justify that...it HAD to be the other women's fault." Take into account a person with ASPD having an affair and you will be in for an even worse ride of blame. Best advice, if he is married, run! If he is a Sociopath, run faster.
Absolutely on May 08, 2014:
does anyone ever feel like after this experience, that they cant trust anyone? I am feeling that and I dont know if I will ever trust anyone again.
My man betrayed me. I spoke to the other woman and she confirmed this. I left him and didnt want any contact. Well, we did end up speaking a lot. He met me every day for breakfast and we talked. He called me every day. He actually did admit to the betrayal. Of course, she didnt mean anything and was a mistake.
In the beginning, I was speaking to her. She was telling me she had moved on. Wouldnt stick around. Would never go back. Isnt talking to him, etc. She tried to help me find another job. But she wasnt doing the same! I questioned it but kept getting all sorts of excuses.
Well, she continued to stick around. Continued to talk to him. And starting speaking to my friends who I confided in and told him everything. She was pushing me out. Making me look bad just to pull him back.
I believe that she is a sociopath too. No question. She lies all of the time. Concocts crazy stories to justify her actions.
I dont know what or who to believe anymore. My friends that I confided in, all talked. All betrayed me. And she betrayed me and he betrayed me.
Am I just gullible, stupid, and too trusting?
I allowed him back into my life. I did. So stupid after knowing I was right after all of those years. Knowing he did betray me. But hearing that she didnt mean anything and it was nothing and that he wants nothing to do with her anymore.He said she was already on the outs and thats why she wanted me out. He told me she lied about how often they were together. That what we had was different. How cliche. Why did I fall for it?
And she telling me she was done for good. Wouldnt turn on me and betray me for him. THere was no loyalty there. She had no feelings anymore.
ANd my friends speaking openly to her. Telling her things that she brought back to him. To gain his trust and his affection again. He insists that it doesnt matter. She doesnt matter. He doesnt care. Oh and he knows everything I ever said because I told him everything. So even though she is trying to hurt me, it doesnt. It isnt anything he hasnt heard.
But in the end, I failed. No contact didnt happen. He crept back into my life. And I allowed it. We were back full on. Going to hotels, meeting at our special places, talking all of the time. He would show me his phone, his texts, his emails. Everything. To convince me he was being faithful. But he was still talking to her. And I just dont think it is possible for him to be around her. He told me everything she said. And I know she is trying to make me look bad. And now I trust no one. I feel alone in the world. I want nothing to do with anyone. The only person I have right now is me. It is a very lonely place to be.
Run, run as fast as you can. Dont look back because if you do, it will all take you down. I feel like I need to be committed. I am miserable. I am sick. I am feeling absolutely stupid. I dont learn my lesson. And now I have learned that there is no one out there who I can trust.
just another sinner on May 08, 2014:
Please don't be offended, but I feel that something must be said here.
If you KNEW that your man was married but agreed to see him anyway... how can you question his lack of morals? You were both in the wrong. :/
I'm not saying you're a bad person or that you deserved to be lied to, but girl, you should've seen that coming from a mile away.
Alicia82 on April 26, 2014:
Elizabeth, don't be ashamed, they are very good at convincing people things. I also fell for the good old company investment trick. Not very much compared to yours. I have seen my ex on an overseas trip. Makes me sick cause he is always claiming he doesn't have money and he owes me money but can afford an overseas holiday. Wonder which women paid for that.
I recently found out that he now has a daughter. I saw the photo and she looked about 6 months old. Further investigations (aka Facebook snooping on his relatives pages) I discovered that the baby was born at least on 1 September last year. Made me sick. He had no guts to break up with me. As I was stressing to know where he was as he was in his "silent treatment" phase, he got this other women pregnant. They married quite quickly. Alllll makes sense to me now. Yet, when he was claiming his love for me 3 weeks after the wedding, no mention that he got her pregnant. Did he not think I would work out the timeline? Sneaky bastard. What makes it even worse was that I didn't even know his wife was pregnant and he was sending me "I love you" messages and how things will get better. I was talking to him. He was telling me that he only married for a reason and his wife knew about me. Makes me sick that he was trying to cheat with me while his wife was pregnant. No morals at all.
Gloria on April 25, 2014:
I am sorry for your situation Elizabeth, sadly, we have ll been there. I have moments when I would like to put the hurt to these hideous creatures then think.."Why waste your time on an ass?" That is a HUGE financial loss..I lost only a couple hundred and thought that was bad. I wish I could help you. Time is now your best friend. Peace.
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on April 22, 2014:
How awful that this happened to you. Don't be embarrassed to tell your story; unfortunately this is not uncommon. I wish you the best in the future.
Elizabeth on April 22, 2014:
I am embarrassed to tell
My story ...but need to share ... I met a man on the Internet 2 years ago . After a not great marriage it was fun and exciting to have someone to spend time with . I also saw many red flags ...that I enored . His past was not allowed as conversation ...saying all that mattered was us ...I accepted that answer. He knew I was a target ...separated working on divorce ...and getting a divorce settlement . I invested 250k into a night club ....with no paperwork . It was for us ...trust me . I was brainwashed . I had found out there was another woman he had been with 10 months he also met on a dateing site . I freaked ....I was scammed !!! I look back at all the lies ...everything was a lie ...I was in shock ...what was I thinking ??? I just believed him ...
Ataloss on April 13, 2014:
Goria, you are right, I do read my words back, do know the things he did to me, I was mde to think that it was ME who caused it, he saw me with other people being friendly, chatty (my job to do so) and then told me he thought I was plying him!! aahhhh so that's why he had us both at the same time!...But at the time I was so traumtised with seering pain at the betrayal, that I just closed down, and spent the next two years waiting for him to prove he meant his words.......when he evenually did, and came back to me physically, I automatically waited for the pattern to repeat itself. I haven't caught him with anyone else yet, he gave me another massive drama (similar to the last excuse for backing off) One which I can't argue with, but once again he is getting me confused with someone else,all the while telling me it's me he would rather spend his life with. I'm the only thing he can think about, he has to sort his family problems out to make it better for US.
Phone calls have dwindled, and texts are doing so as well now,so how does it make things better for us??
And all I can do is blame myself, I saw it coming, but that doesn't stop the hurt.
Gloria on April 12, 2014:
That may be a good tactic for you "Ataloss". Sometimes looking at your own words and the actions you take are more convincing than someone else telling you what works and what does not work. It was tough in the beginning for me also but I was also capable of extracting all of his "warnings", i.e., "I don't want to hurt you", "I burn through people", "no one has been this kind to me in 16 years", etc, etc. Friends do not treat each other like this but a person with ASPD does. Can you imagine how brutally difficult it must be for his wife of 33 years????? Never loved, only used and conned...he ruined her children from her first marriage, he ruined friendships and it appears only ignorant folks stick with him. So keep walking forward and one day you will look back and say "What the hell was I thinking!!!"
Ataloss on April 12, 2014:
I can relate the above post, having been back and forth on this page for a long tme. Right from the beginning I knew there was something'not quite right' with mine. I didn't know if he was just very deeply insecure or a player, or just liked attention. Even before the retionship started, I was very confused with all the very obvious stalking very clear attraction, and put it all down to him being shy (he kept saying he was)... also...I knew that he had latched onto other women before me, and that he seemed to be quite attentive to another one right under my nose,,,and although I was seeing it...Istill chose to allow that first kiss.........I have been through hell ever since.
I DID read all the books, I read web sites and saw every single trait in him. I also had a massive betrayal resulting in him begging and promising that he had done nothing wrong. was devsated that I could think such a thing, so deep his love was for me.
His acting was so convincing that I chose to believe that he really regetted what he had done, and yet he showed no remorse whatsoever in his actions.
He still insited he hadn't done anything to hurt me and I had caught him with a recorder, telling her that I had suspicions of him with someone else (a previous woman) and they both laughed and then cotinued to make out while i was in the next room, he said all te same things to her as he was doing to me!!
How did he know I had suspicions??.........because he had been going through my phone for weeks and I had confided in a friend by text!
I also caught him doing that, only to be told he did it becase he was so obsessively in love wth me!!
The trauma affected me so deeply that I shut it all out and continued with him in my life on meagre contact ,constantly making excuses for him for months until giving him an ultimatum.
He has been back and forth for four years, every time he is back it is obsessive, and the patterns are the same.
YES I read and read,YES I knew him, I knew with every sentence to turn it round becasue it probably meant the opposite of what he was saying. I knew to expect another drama,,,and YES it came right on time within a week of me predicting it. I also know that it is someone elses turn for the physical side,,,while he tells me he can't get to see me, and that he is contacting someone else by phone again (I am recieving words which don't add up)..if question him,,he immediately changes the subject and spins all the deep love talk........MY own fault,,,I read it all, heard it all, saw it all and felt it all, and my deep caregiving trusting/ fixing nature still did not want to admit what he was doing to me.
THAT is how manipulating they are,,how cruel,,how selfish and empty hearted they are.
Reading about it helps, but only if you know you can then go no contact.
The probem still persists when you know, but you then sit facing them while they stroke your face, look into your eyes and tell you gently that you are their world, and they can't do without you....they know you are addicted.....and that is what you are!!
I went trough a really strong period where I felt I could move on, but was reeled back in again.
I have to keep coming back here to re-read, and to remember the things he did in the beginning. It helps.
Gloria on April 08, 2014:
I would like to suggest that you study the science behind Sociopathy, the brain and why they will never be cured, ever. I agree that they are not evil but I will assert what they do is truly diabolical so perhaps you will understand why people tend to "hate" them at some point. I would also suggest you to read Dr. Hare's, Dr. Marten's, Dr. Stout's, to name a few findings, also, look at the Hare Scale. "Seeing them happy makes me happy" suggests you believe they know what happiness is? I assure you they do not. It appears you are a person that needs to be needed and that will pose a problem for you accepting what A Socio/Psychopath is. I recently read an article in the Psychiatric Times, "The Hidden Suffering of the Psychopath" and it stated they do "feel"pain to a degree but you have to bear in mind, they mimic most of what they exhibit. Socio and Psyhos are different yet house similar traits....I found it vital to understand the dynamics of both of these. Life to a person with ASPD is all about using anyone at any time for any thing they feel entitled to. They have super egos and need them fed constantly, that is why they seek to conquer. We "normal" people are simply a stepping stone they walk on to move on to the next conquest. They cannot help it, they are born this way, it is all they know, all they will ever know. As they age they appear to mellow but the drive they carry is to manipulate, con, steal, lie, use and abuse until they draw their last breath. Imagine being married to one of these humans for 20, 30 , 40 years...????!!!! Imagine giving up all your self worth to a person who sees you as useless as "tits on a bull" yet because he feigns his "love" for you, you hold out for a glimmer of hope he is actually normal....back to his plan, his con, his game...he is the master of deceit, the lover of chaos, he cheats on his wife time and again, but she stays because she thinks it is the woman's fault because he says she stalked him, look up the term projection and also..gaslighting. I know a woman who has stayed with a man who was diagnosed with ASPD and to this day she thinks the experts are wrong, perhaps it is just to hard to accept you have been duped by this person and would feel humiliated to admit defeat...Mary Joe Buttafuacco can attest to that. Read, read, read....is what I say to you Flowerchild, then perhaps you will not be that shocked when you hear how badly he burned his next victim.....and there will be one.
Flowerchild on April 07, 2014:
I'm pretty sure I'm not a Sociopath. It just hurts me to hear another human being -- sociopath or not, I don't care -- spoken of as if he has no soul. I can understand the hurt you've all been through; like I said, I've been there. That doesn't mean I have to agree with you or share your hatred.
Do I love Bear? I'm in love with someone else, actually, but I still consider Bear a friend. I know he doesn't care about me. I shrug my shoulders at his indifference. If he needs me, he knows I've got his back.
Everyone tells me I'm too soft. I'm not hardened by my experiences the way "normal" people are, but I don't mind not being normal. I don't seek new friends, but they always come to me. When outcast from society, they are drawn to me like moths to a flame, and, despite all advice and warnings given to me, I let them in.
The truth is, I don't know if anything's wrong with me. It might be, but I won't pay an expert to tell me, because what good would that do? Worry my family and friends? Make me feel like I'm less human? Why would I talk to a therapist when I'm surrounded by so many good people who love me? I don't even need to burden them with my problems to feel better around them. They just make me happy. Seeing them happy makes me happy.
Sociopaths don't feel that, I know, but that doesn't mean they are completely devoid of all feeling. I'll feel for them and make up the empty space.
You all continue to think what you will; you can't be changed any more than I or my sociopathic friend can. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. God loves us all just as we are.
Gloria on April 07, 2014:
Flowerchild uttered the nearly exact same words that a Sociopath I once knew did. We already know that Sociopaths do not believe they are unhappy or broken because they are Narcissists. You want logic Flowerchild? Here is some for you. Do not think a Sociopath can enter this arena and and have the upper hand. I was raised by one and my eldest brother is also one and 3 years ago I ran into an old friend which turned out to be one, his family knows he is in the technical sense but they are still not willing to accept it totally. The Hare PCL-R test cannot be manipulated, that is why few Sociopaths/Psychopaths, are unwilling to take it unless their hand is forced legally. As far as music goes.....it is noise and words to them...music evokes a myriad of feelings in the average "human" which would leave a person with ASPD out of that equation. Divide, conquer and move on to the next fool.....it is how they roll. Sharing is to use or enjoy something jointly or in turns, not a trait akin to a person with ASPD. So to Alicia's question....you are either one yourself and have come here to play your head games or you are not well read on what these monsters are capable of? Either way, no one here is going miss the signs...we have been there and we have ALL the experience we NEVER wanted. If you read through the pain some are still having and have remarks that lack empathy then be off to a forum where you can give Sociopaths support, they are out there believe it or not. One thing these idiot Sociopaths do not realize is....once on a while they come up against someone MUCH wiser than they are....that is when you see them retreat. They are nothing but cowards and a pimple in the path to progress.
Alicia82 on April 06, 2014:
Flower child....are you a Sociopath? Or are you in love with Bear?
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on April 06, 2014:
In my opinion, Gloria IS making sense. It is not productive or logical to spend your time with a being who cannot process and reciprocate human emotions. Of course you can do that if you so choose, and hopefully you will not come to harm. But to me, it's like having a pitcher of beautiful nourishing rain water in your hands, and pouring it onto a stone, when instead you could be watering a garden of flowers.
Flowerchild on April 05, 2014:
Therapy is for people who are unhappy and/or broken. I am neither.
I fail to see what harm could come of passing the time with another person to stave off boredom and loneliness. You may claim that a sociopath cannot "share" anything, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like music or that someone else can't have a similar taste to his.
Simply put, Gloria... you aren't making logical sense.
Gloria on April 04, 2014:
Flowerchild....you live in a fantasy world. Time to do some self educating. I would start with Dr. Hare's book then move onto Dr. Stouts. I would also suggest therapy for you. If you truly understood your friend is a person born with ASPD then you would know "sharing" music interests is impossible as he/they do not share. They are not wired properly, period. I am stunned to see all the usual suspects still stuck where they were 3 years ago. Cognitive therapy and reading about these types is the only way you will move on.
Alicia82 on April 03, 2014:
I believe forgiveness is easier than not forgiving. I have forgiven my Spath, not for him but for myself. I have been asked by people why have I forgiven, because it is better than eventually becoming bitter. It is part of the healing process.
Poor Xavier, that would have been horrible to go through.
Flowerchild on April 02, 2014:
I think the worst thing he ever did was during one of his bouts of "depression." He made everyone, myself included, believe that he had committed suicide by leaving notes and disappearing for a few days. None of us entirely believed him, but the worry and uncertainty over those three days nearly killed Xavier (who was Bear's boyfriend at the time).
When he came back, most of his friends had given up on him, but Xavier and I were so eager not to upset him that we forgave him.
Alicia82 on April 02, 2014:
What has the most hurtful thing Bear has done to you?
Like you, I am a very nice person. I tolerated a lot during my relationship with my Spath. It got to a point where I was suicidal by the things he was doing and saying to me. I was standing up to him and he didn't like it. They really mess with your head.
It wasn't until after a massive betrayal that I found out about Sociopaths. My advice to you is read as much as you can about it. Also have a confidant that you can voice things too.
Flowerchild on April 01, 2014:
Alicia82, because I am one of those nice humans out there.
I didn't seek Bear; we just met by chance, and his issues didn't bother me, so we became "friends." I don't stick with him because he's a sociopath or just tolerate his sociopathic behavior for hope that he'll "get better"; I stick with him because I like him as a person (something that most people seem to forget sociopaths actually are), even when he drives me insane. I know he doesn't understand how I can love him, and I don't pretend to understand how his mind works, but when we're just hanging out and sharing music, it's like we're two sides of one coin.
Do I ever worry about his violent fantasies becoming real? Sometimes I wonder, but I don't really worry. Bear is fragile and a coward underneath his mask, and the majority of people -- sociopathic or not -- have thoughts like that every now and then that are never acted upon. Even if he did injure or kill someone, I can say with confidence that it wouldn't be me. (That's not to say I wouldn't be utterly horrified; I do often find myself worrying for other people where he's concerned.) His hatefulness is toward the world, not his only good friend.
Alicia82 on April 01, 2014:
Endure? There are so many nice humans out there, Why subject yourself to someone with a hateful attitude and murderous fantasies? Don't you worry that murderous fantasies will become reality? I wish you luck and hope you have the number for a good therapist as you will need it (not being awful but if you want a relationship with a sociopath, it is best to talk to a therapist)
Flowerchild on March 31, 2014:
It's not really that hard. In a way, Bear's true nature has become as charming as his fake sweetness once seemed. He's rude and angry and, at times, utterly horrible; and his sense of humor sometimes makes me want to vomit, but if he ever changed, I would worry. Truth be told, I might even miss the awful Bear. He's disgusting, but he's fun most of the time.
Besides, if he has to put up with my lectures about love and friendship and accept me as I am (often obnoxiously nice and good, he seems to think), then I suppose it's only fair that I endure his murder fantasies and hateful attitude and accept him as a sociopath.
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on March 31, 2014:
I'm sorry that you choose to live this way: dodging bullets. I hope the relationship works out for you, but it sure sounds like a lot of work! I understand that being a sociopath ultimately means living a sad life; it's just unusual for someone to be so self-sacrificing. Best of luck to you.
Flowerchild on March 31, 2014:
Not all sociopaths are monsters. Sure, I agree; they can be pretty horrible and have no remorse, but they do have feelings, you know.
I know a guy with ASPD (aka "sociopathy"), and as many lives and friendships as I've seen him destroy, I just can't bring myself to hate him. I feel sorry for him. Everyone else hates him, but I can understand him, to some extent. He's lonely. He's bored. He has no friends because he always hurts them and pushes them away, but I can tell he wants friends. What he needs is one friend -- just one -- who won't take his crap OR give up on him. That's me.
I love a sociopath, and I will never stop loving him. He can't hurt me anymore, because I've come to expect it and learned how to dodge the bullets; and even though I can't always succeed, I at least try to protect other people from his damaging lies; but I never have and hopefully never will be unkind toward him or give up on our [admittedly improbable] friendship.
Alicia82 on March 24, 2014:
I agree Silva. I often wonder what the parents of Sociopath's think. The thoughts of maybe they did something wrong in their upbringing :( Very sad.
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on March 21, 2014:
My heart hurts for her mom . . . she must have been so sad in her last years.
Cousin on March 21, 2014:
my female cousin, 40 years old, is a sociopath. She was like a sister to me growing up. She was my favorite cousin. She got in trouble a lot, and had a bad relationship with her divorced parents for as long as I can remember. I was 29 when I realized something was wrong with her. She seemed like she was getting sicker. She had a sense of satisfaction in making her mother cry and shutting people out of her life. Before she shut me out she tried hard to get me to trust her. I would casually point out my apprehension because of her obvious cycle of shutting people out. She told me that was so long ago. Her mom and I were neighbors and I loved my aunt. When my aunt suddenly died I knew her daughter wouldn't care. She never came to the funeral and wanted her body donated to science. Luckily, after I told her she was wrong about her mom whom she had stopped talking to for over a year calling her mother a narcissist, she shut me out of her life. I think about her everyday. I wonder why her husband stays and is so supportive of someone who has no one on her side anymore. She talks to no one in our family...thank
God. I wonder if she is a good mom. I wonder how much her husband suffers. I wonder who is her victim now?
Alicia82 on March 10, 2014:
It has been a while since I have been on here. I have made a lot of steps forward (and a couple back).
I spoke to the Spath's ex-wife and that helped me get some closure. We are not talking now as she pretty much said that she wants to move on from the S. I, too, am the same, so it is ok that we didn't keep communicating past the 4 emails. We have three things in common and that is the S, our hatred for him and how he tried to ruin both of our lives. If we continued communicating, I think we would become even more bitter.
I still think about my ex every day but not as much. It is no longer wondering what he is doing but what he did to me and how I didn't deserve it. My addiction to the phone has been slowly disappearing as well. No longer worried that I will miss a phone call or text message or seeing him online. The best thing is, my old phone died so I lost my contacts so I no longer have his phone number but also some photos. The photos I do see, he is ugly to me. The love I used to have has been replaced with seeing how ugly he is and how he is a con artist and how he doesn't age well LOL.
It has been a long road but I am seeing the light. I have learnt about a personality (disorder) that I didn't know existed. It was an expensive lesson to learn. I encourage anybody that has this addiction to an S, to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave the relationship. It is soooo hard and takes ages to start moving forward but there is so much freedom at the end of it. Allow yourself to move forward but also to go backwards. It is all part of the healing process. Eventually, when you are ready, you will meet someone that will truly love you and you will wonder why you spent so much time and energy on an idiot. This journey with an S does end but you have to make that brave decision to end it. I hear about relationships that end with the S murdering or harming their victim, DON'T let that victim be you.
dumbass on March 09, 2014:
my ex-wife was a true sociopath. I am so glad she is gone...her new husband will get his. after she told him and her family all of lies...she now lives in Puyallup Washington with my children...Washington beware of a cute smiling blonde brunette that is a text book sociopathic liar....
Absolutely on February 22, 2014:
We were both being treated badly by him. And we were getting frustrated and started noticing things that didnt add up. He actually dared us to talk to each other. Normally, we were too scared to talk. He would never let us live it down. It would be a constant badgering.
But we both reached a point and happened to be alone together and started making small comments that lead to larger ones. Eventually we started to text and we started unraveling the whole mess.
We gave each other proof beyond a doubt that we were with him and that we were both convinced by him that the other was a liar and nothing happened.
He was giving us both time but definitely off and on. But sometimes he was with both of us in the same day! He did give us each special time and in special places. But he also fought with us to prevent us from being with him so that he could be with the other.
He still refuses to admit that he did anything wrong. He is so convincing. He still tries to contact and say nice things. He tries to make us turn against each other by feeding us lies. its hard. We both doubt each other even though we know the truth.
We both have moments of worry. I think we do have stockholm syndrome. Still protecting him. We loved him. And he lied to us both.
We are both distancing ourselves and hope to have no contact at some point. We also go to a therapist to work through the issues. It helps.
We had gut instincts that were strong and right. And it will never change. Its who he is. No feeling, no emotion, liar, and a sex addict. And he will always be that way. Thats the thing to remember. Cant change who he is.
We are strong together but have moments of weakness and turn on each other. Trying to stop doing that. but the spell, the history- makes it so hard.
Good luck ataloss.
SOUNDS TO ME YOU MISS THE SEX on February 22, 2014:
YOU ALL SOUND SO UPSET . THE TRUTH IS YOU ALL LOVED US YOU CANT STAND OUR POWER... WELL FIND BETTER IN YOUR LITTLE BOYS...
your all so sad
Ataloss on February 18, 2014:
if you don't mind me asking,how did all this come about? did you go to her, or did she come to you? and if so,,what brought it about?
Y9oou say he was giving you all his time and attention, so therefore did he drop the other one for while, making her step back and see??
I have the feeling that with mine, he came on strongly after I moved on elsewhere (and therefore felt safe that I would no longer have contact with the other one) it was really obsessive and totally as if nothing in the past had ever happened?
Iv'e gone back on everything, and yes,again, it's been a four month obsessive thing again, coming to a halt since he made contact with one other from the past,,,,and also since the day the other one moved on too. He pointed out to me himself that it had been four months of bliss!
I've also started getting all the illness excuses again, whilst he has been 'feeling fine' during those months. I have seen a few things which I'm not sure if they are coincidences,,,,then my radar kicks in and I go back to reality.
I guess a lot of it is because I've kind of been expecting everything that's happened in advance, and therefore on tenterhooks in advance.
I also know that the last time we met, after months of obsessiveness, he didn't seem to want to make eye contact, and he didn't seem to want to hold me as he usually does. My gut instinct is in overdrive simply because I can pin it all down to one particular day, and yet I'm still trying to convince myself that it may just be me.
I suppose for everyone, sociopathic or not, if you have to ask for someone's attention, it's a clear sign something is wrong.
I have this other one from the past on my social website,and I'm finding myself wanting to talk to her, it's really pulling at me, but I won't ever make that mistake again.
I also guess that once you know you've been lied to, caught someone in lots of lies, even though you don't want to believe they could do it to you, you still know they could, and if they could do it all once and feel no remorse, then you always know they will probably do it again, it never leaves you.
I just can't come to terms that somoen can be so convincing, such a good actor. I also can't believe how many times I've been sat with him, and watched him swear on his children's lives that he could never do such a thing to me,,,,but when he did,,,,,,,even with all the pleading,,,,,I never quite belived him. Just doubted myself the whole time, questioned my own very good perceptions, my friends said I was over paranoid,, HE said I was over paranoid, I began to believe I was being over paranoid.
All of it comes down to the fact that they target loving caring trustng people.
I would love to hear how you sorted all this out.
Absolutely on February 15, 2014:
So good to hear from you ataloss. It is a tragic situation.
I always thought finding out for sure by speaking with her would help me find peace. I am not going to lie- it hurts terribly. Because there was always that sliver of hope that maybe it was all paranoia and he really is being sincere. But once you hear the truth, it stings. The whole dream is shattered and all you want to know is every detail.
I am now desperate to know things I should never know. Like if he was with both of us the same day, same places, how often. If he did as much with her as me, if he didnt, if he told her he loved her, etc.
He broke her too. She kept the silence for so long. I always thought it was to protect him. She was protecting herself. He told her I lied about it all. That my behavior was only to upset her. She never believed what I told her because he made sure that I looked like I was lying. Well, I provided her with proof. The very evidence I knew I needed. And it all came crashing down around her. The wall finally came down. And finally I got the closure I needed. It made me sick. It shocked me that the big lie went on for so long- so convincingly. It is truly amazing to what lengths he went and she did too. He would get so angry at me for questioning him- but I was right! I knew it. Ladies, your gut is always right! Trust it.
I have been planning our exit slowly but I have gotten to a place where I want it to happen today. I cant see him another minute. He disgusts me. We never confronted him, never told him what we know. I want to so badly. I need to. But I wont. He wont care. It will hurt me more to see that level of apathy. I need to just get out. I wanted to go with her and tell him to his face that the jig is up. But to what end?
He is a monster, a disgusting person. He preys on women and children(I have seen this) and I am scared that I was with him for so long. What risks did I take?
All I can say is get out. Run. Believe yourself. Believe your gut. It isnt wrong. Save yourself. The only way is to leave for good and NEVER speak again. Because if you do, the spell continues and you will never be free.
For the first time in 5 years, I feel relief. Sick, angry, scared, disgusted, sad- but relieved. Because I have been validated. I was right, not crazy. And now I know there is nothing to stay for, nothing to worry about, nothing to grieve.
I am free. Time to live my life again. I am actually crying but smiling too. I WANT TO LIVE !
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on February 15, 2014:
From my perspective, reading these comments, I see -- patterns. Circular patterns. Spiraling slowly but surely downward. From my great age, I can look back and see how often we waste our energies on people who do not deserve it, and sometimes, we don't spend enough time or energy on the ones who do. Speaking for myself, there is a long period of time when it seems life will go on forever, unchanging. Our thirties go by, then our forties, and we are so distracted by our routines and our drama that we don't realize that our peak years are soon to be over. Then we wake up in our fifties and sixties and then, when it's too late, we start to think about what might have been -- what we should have done differently -- what we should not have done at all. Just an observation; take it for what it's worth. I hope you can break out of the destructive patterns and take off in a new direction.
Ataloss on February 15, 2014:
H Absolutely, yes it's been a while.
here's my update, and Im not proud, but wanted to add this so that others may understand better, the hold they have on us.
I got to a very strong point, even managed to dismiss his texts,,,,got used to answering him with my REAL feelings instead of accepting his excuses for backing off again. I was determined, I ached for him,,but I was determined.
Instead of excuses for three days absence, i was getting excuses in advance,,,,,,and I'd just had enough, he was actually dismissing me for the weekend!.
The crunch came when he contacted me after a four day absence, telling me hadn't been able to text becasue he'd been away, hadn't known he was going until the day, but he'd enjoyed it,,,,,the place was lovely!! "missed you badly my darling, how are you"
That was when I sent mine "how can you say you missed me badly, and also say you had a lovely time!!..........I was devastated.
Then the stalking began again,,,,,,,,,,then the obssesive texting began again,,,,,,,,,,,and then,,,,,,,,,,I gave him the benefit of the doubt,,,,,,again.
It led to a very passionate few months with him wanting to be with me very minute,,,he couldn't stand passing my old place of work every day and not seeing my car there,,he couldn't stand it if I didn't answer him,,,,,he knew how I felt,,,,but he couldn't help it,,had to be careful etc. and I fell for it all!
He even brought me little gifts,,,,,,,,,,sent me lovely verses,,,,,photos,,,,,and asked to meet me in places where he hadn't dared go to before, we had picnics, shared photos
and childhood memories.
It felt different, HE came across as sincere,,,,,,,maybe it WAS me after all, maybe I loved him so damn much that I was paranoid and needy?
Even for my birthday,,,the first time in four years, he sent me a beautiful card, gave me a gift,,,,,small, but still a gift.
Throughout this I never once thought there may be someone else,,,,he was too intense,,obsessed. and apparently dedicated.
Then he re -added me onto a social site, he had taken me off a long while ago saying his wife was suspicious of me, and gone mad. I had my reservations about accepting,,,,,but accept i did.........then within two weeks of it,,,,he had added some of his other past interests (though mine) and my gut turned,,just like that in a split second. He has never used this site to speak with me, we have never interacted on it,,,,,,,,,,then after another three weeks,,,,,,,he told me 'she' had gone mad about me again,,,,once again he had to back off a bit,,be careful again.
I knew,,,,,,,,I knew he was lying, I knew he had done it for a reaction from someone,,,,,,and my gut told me it was for one of those past interests.
Everything unfolded exactly as it had the first time around, then it emerged that he still had the other interests on his phone, but he claimed (not heard anything from them for years)
Every single thing he has thrown at me has gone in the same time length, the other woman he was involved with as well as me, has now moved on elsewhere,,,,,and from that day,,,,all the drama he has given me started within a day of her doing so.
It was after I moved on elsewhere that he came back to me obsessively,,,,,,so I am seeing that pattern all over again.
Throughout my story, I have always said about gut instincts, when I spoke to the other one (after my world fell apart) she denied it all, I knew she had lied.
So here I am now having been a total fool, and hoping against all hope that I have it wrong......but those coincidences and gut instincts are still there. I am back where I'm having to ask for his attention. To me it doesn't matter what his reasons are.
Clearly he has come to the end of his four month obsession for me (for the second time),,,,,,,and I very strongly suspect it's someone elses turn again.
In the meantime?.....he continues to tell me I'm the love of his life and he thinks of me constantly.
When he can get the chance of course.
This time, I'm not sitting around wondering,,,yearning, waiting.
Moving on to work elsewhere helped a lot,it helped me clear out all the hurt I'd been through, and move on from it. I gave him the benefit of the dout, even though he kept me dangling on a string for nearly two years.
My friend warned me, "he will do it again to you, but it will hurt twice as much next time"
It is hurting because I do feel I have been duped again,,,,,but this time I saw it coming,,,didn't stop it,,,,,,,and I only have myself to blame.
I so wish someone would come looking for me,,,,,,ask me about him,,,,,,tell me something about him, someone who's been involved with him. Just to confirm it all without a doubt,,,,,so that I could stop doubting myself and stop loving this man who smirked at me when I forgave him the first time.
Absolutely on February 14, 2014:
It has been quite some time since I have been on here. I have made some moves forward and some moves back. But I think I am finally putting all of the right moves in place.
I continued that relationship with my s, and that was a huge mistake. He seemed to have lots of time and made things a lot better. We went to hotels frequently, he was a little more forthcoming with his schedules, and he was being nicer. He even told me he loved me. But now I know that was completely BS and only done to further his act.
I kept seeing odd things. I even saw odd emails and I saw him moving closer to yet another woman. I questioning him often and he always had a story. It was all to convenient.
The other woman was fighting with him publicly and people started to take notice. And then we started fighting too. I think we both started questioning him even harder. He threatened us. Actually goaded us to speak with each other figuring that it would scare us into silence and god forbid we would break his trust.
But to his dismay, we did speak. And then the whole story started to unravel. He got angry with both of us and started giving us the silent treatment. But that just encouraged us to speak more and the truth started to pour out.
Everything was a lie. Everything was as I knew it was. He emailed with her everytime he emailed with me. Saying the exact same things. He lead both of us to believe things that werent true.
We compared all of our experiences and they were all the same. We even noted how he acted with his child. Cold, empty, uncaring- nothing matters to him. He has even said this. He doesnt care. He has threatened both of us with violence.
We have planned our exit. We will both leave this toxic environment and never allow him to do this to us again. We have gotten references and information and plan to do this as soon as possible. He doesnt know. We wont tell him yet. And he doesnt know to what extent we spoke. We have agreed to keep it all to ourselves.
I have apprehension about her too. She can go to him and tell him everything. She could show him our texts, our conversations, and I could be at risk. But I dont care anymore. I kept copies of everything, recorded our conversations, and I have copies of emails from him, hotel bills, phone records- everything. I will not be caught unprepared. THis time I have the power.
I cant even look at him anymore without feeling sick. I wanted to punch him in the face today. What kind of animal pretends to love someone? THe thought of how many others he has been with too, just scares me.
I finally have reached that breaking point of having no feelings for him and wanted to move and have no contact. It is very liberating. I only hope in some way we hurt him by ruining his plan. But I know he doesnt care about anything.
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on January 30, 2014:
Gosh, does anyone here watch "Vanderpump Rules" on Bravo TV? After cheating with his best friend's girl friend, who is (was) the best friend of his ex-girl friend, Jax makes a statement to all his friends and co-workers (and also the world, since he is on a reality TV show) that he feels no remorse whatsoever. Is Jax a sociopath?
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on January 25, 2014:
Thank you for the visit, Hunter, hope your life improves soon.
hunter on January 25, 2014:
i cant believe i came across this today. this is my wife, soon to be ex wife, SPOT ON!!!! thank you
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on January 10, 2014:
To the point, Uncle Steve! Which should a person believe, the words or the actions? My mother always said, "Actions speak louder than words."
Uncle Steve on January 10, 2014:
Which do you believe; some says they love you then punches you (a metaphor for any action that hurts you), they say they love you then punches you again. Which should you believe the fist or the words and how many times does it take before you realize that actions speaks louder than words. Believe me, it is not healthy to have someone in your life like that and you can not help them, no matter who they are or how you feel about them, you can only help yourself to a better life and survive.
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on December 18, 2013:
According to most experienced and educated professionals, no, they cannot "change;" they can learn to mimic 'normal' human behavior, but unfortunately, they cannot change.
Lily on December 18, 2013:
I'm in love with a sociopath. He recognises this too. He's tried to distance himself from me because he knows that he isn't a good person to be around. But he keeps coming back and the connection feels so strong. I can't tell if he is someone who recognises they need to change their behaviour and is doing their best or if this is all an elaborate manipulation because he knows that I'm onto him.
My question is: can a sociopath ever change?
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on December 17, 2013:
Alexis, that is scary. You really need to distance yourself from this situation.
Alicia82 on December 17, 2013:
Silva, I felt great being able to say no. I have said no in the past but I always felt guilty afterwards but not the last couple of times I have said it. He isn't going to spend any money wisely and it could be for his wife so why would I want to support someone like that. I actually feel a sense of happiness that he could be struggling financially as well. Karma perhaps.
Alexis, it is hard to know what to do. Your relationship doesn't sound healthy as a healthy relationship doesn't involve abuse. The way you hit him, he is egging you on cause he knows the reaction he will get from you. It makes you look like the bad one. One day he will keep on mentioning how you hit him. I would suggest, as hard as it is, to immediately go for a walk when he starts on like that. My Spath used to call me awful names, the blame was always on me and he would bring up things I said, he was the perfect person in his eyes. He is far from it. Whether your boyfriend is a Spath, time will tell but I must say that, if I were you, I would be walking away. As hard as it is, you don't deserve any of that. The abuse will make you an absolute mess and also can ruin future relationships. i actually urge you to go and see a therapist now and not when the relationship is over. Keeping you cooped up for 2 days?! That is cruel.
Alexis on December 16, 2013:
I am very lost and confused. The descriptions people have been saying fit perfectly with the guy I have been with for 2 years. I am only 21, I met him when I was 19 and he was 17. He dropped out of school in 9th grade, and has been in trouble with the law ever since. Alot of misdemeanors mostly, but most recently he has been on the run for 7 months, since he stopped seeing his PO and had a warrant, and his mom who was drinking called the cops on him since they were fighting and he got tased but GOT AWAY. His dad helped, by grabbing the wires and they ripped and he took off, but after it happened he was proud and I watched a friend remove the prongs of the tazers. He keeps them in a medicine pill jar. Throughout the trouble he's gotten in, he never seems to feel bad about any of it. He never seems to feel bad about anything he does that a normal person should feel bad about, its like he needs to be told that he did something wrong and only then does he say sorry. He cant realize for himself when hes acted irrational. Or maybe he does, and he just doesn't care. I have lost many friends, mostly from isolation and him putting them down. He has kept me away from family, mostly by getting extremely emotional when I want to leave him. He lives with his parents, so when I do go over to his house, it is never for a few hours. I stay a good 3 or 4 days, then when I even bring up going home he either gets irritated and mad, or he starts crying and says he doesn't want me to go. He claims he thinks I "won't come back". Besides this, he is emotionally, verbally, and somewhat physically abusive. He has never slapped me straight outright, but when he gets in a volatile manner and we get into an argumentive fight, most of the time he just picks at me calling me names nonstop until I literally can't take it anymore and I go after him hitting him screaming at him to stop. I have sat in the corner of the room with my ears plugged and he goes on and on. Ill even leave the room and he will talk just loud enough so he can be heard by me, like hes "muttering to himself" but in reality he wants me to hear. When I do go after him, this gives him the right to "defend himself" which he throws me down, holds me down, grabs me, uses force and this is usually how I have gotten bruises. Although more recently he did kick me. To make up for it he cries endlessly saying how horrible he is and how sorry he is, that he deserves to die and that he can't believe he did it. when he kicked me this last time, he actually did cut his leg pretty bad that made scars, and beat himself up. I am not a violent person myself, I'm a CNA in my 2nd year of college to be an RN. I just dont know what to do. I'm so lost, for the longest time I was convinced he was just abusive. Also he has been diagnosed as bipolar. but more recently I started to realize how similar he is to a sociopath. He doesn't have the intelligence, but he has the charm, the sex is good, he acts very protective but jealous and controlling, he is a drug addict and blows money easily, always has these big ideas to make money or crazy stories like hes going to kill someone to get 5000 dollars. Most of these things he says will never happen, as he also is a compulsive liar. Even about the strangest littlest things I notice he lies and it just bugs me. If I bring it up, he gets mad. The only thing is that he is faithful, he goes above and beyond to prove to me by giving me his passwords and he stays at home alot. I just feel that no one else wants to put up with him, even if he tried. Right now I am very emotional, I have prayed and prayed for him to change I am so hopelessly in love with him and it hurts me so much to think that what he feels isnt love. A month ago I bought a bus ticket to see him, and had to spend the weekend at his house. I wasnt suppose to be allowed in his house, because according to his parents "I'm" the problem, since when he gets upset and starts yelling I get blamed as the one who causes it. I thought we were going to be staying at a friends, so this was uncomfortable for me to have to "hide" in his room. He then left for a long period of time, he had to work, and I had to resort to peeing in a cup in his room because I had no other option and he didn't tell me what I should do to use the bathroom, since the bathroom was downstairs where his parents were. He also forgot to feed me for 2 days, until I broke down the second day explaining to him how hurt uncared for I felt and neglected. He then broke down, saying he couldn't believe he didn't think of it, he was so sorry. I always want to believe him, how could anyone just straight out purposely put someone through that kind of abuse? I think I'm more willing to believe him because of his level of education, and I just believe certain things don't "click" in his head or register as things you should think about. I just need help from someone, I don't know what to do. I have no one else besides him. He is my boyfriend, my best friend, as bad as I have made it sound, he picks me up when I'm sad. He is always there for me, he constantly is online to skype with me or texts me. Then again when we have broken up, he has called 40 or more times and texted the same. I just dont know what to do.
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on December 15, 2013:
Doesn't it feel good -- to have the strength to say NO. Congratulations, Alicia!
Alicia82 on December 15, 2013:
The S asked me for money today. I had no problems in telling him to ask his wife as that's what she is for now. Not me anymore. What a loser!
Alicia82 on December 11, 2013:
Today was the 1 year anniversary. I woke up and it was my first thought. I woke up thinking that today will be a hard day, then I reminded myself that it won't be a hard day because, as I woke up a year ago, little did I know what was instore for me and it would be the first day of being free and finding out the truth (and confirmation to what my gut instincts were screaming out).
Today I have kept myself busy at work and every now and again think of it but I have come to realise that I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for and that I have come a long way in the last year, even though some days it doesn't feel like it. I no longer feel sick in the stomach like I did when I suspected something was going on. I no longer feel sick when I think of what he did to me. I only have a foggy head when my anxiety is starting to resurface but that is no longer a daily thing like it was when I was in the relationship and the months after finding out the truth. I am treating myself with a haircut tonight.
A friend of mine said that my Sociopath had a status "yeah stupid idiot!" and so he asked what it was about. My Sociopath answered "the wife". Without jumping to conclusions but it sounds like he is about to start on her.
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on December 10, 2013:
Alicia, hope you moved past last Thursday without too much stress. I couldn't help you with ideas, because I am somehow able to compartmentalize in my mind and shut out upsetting things like anniversary dates. Are you better now that the date is past?
no name on December 10, 2013:
Alicia82 on December 04, 2013:
Next Thursday will be 1 year since I found out about my ex-boyfriend's deceit and the date he got married.
How has everybody else handled that first anniversary of walking away/finding out about the deceit etc? My anxiety levels today has gone out the roof. Would love ideas on how other people coped.
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on December 02, 2013:
Oh no, Alicia, I can relate to that! I hope you can find something else.
Alicia82 on December 01, 2013:
Does anybody had any dealings with a Sociopath boss?
My boss is always delaying in paying bills. We have companies calling us constantly looking for money. We also don't get our pays on time. He always talks big but always broken promises. He is very arrogant and acts as though rules don't apply to him. He actually seemed surprised that I knew the employment laws. The list goes on and on. I am ready to quit, other staff members have resigned because of the way he treats us. He has no respect for his staff and tells us we are "expensive" even though we are worth a lot more than we get here. My first day I had this awful feeling about him and actually quit on the second day. He promised me a pay rise to get me back and is no longer delivering that. He hates the fact that we are wage staff. If the job market wasn't as tough as it currently is, I would just walk out. That's how bad it is.
Rant over lol.
Alicia82 on November 30, 2013:
Want to know how desperate my sociopath is? He has sent an email out to all of his friends, me included, with this link http://www.cashforvisits.com/index.php?refcode=121...
Further investigation and it is a complete scam! I sent him an email back telling him it is a fake just like him lol. Needless to say, when money is involved, he doesn't believe me and will do anything to get it.
foreignchick on November 29, 2013:
Yes, I agree with Alicia82 too.
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on November 28, 2013:
I agree with what Alicia82 says.
Alicia82 on November 28, 2013:
Jpearl47......I think you are doing the right thing cutting all contact. Not because of you but because of the impact and influences these people can have on children. BTW, I had no children with my S so I am not an expert in the area.
I think you need to think of the welfare of your child, which is what I think you have done.
The damage Sociopath's do to people is awful, let alone the damage they can cause to children, who see their parents as their role models. We learn a lot of behaviours from our parents from a young age, I would want the father of my child to be a positive influence and I don't think he is. Just the jail and drugs would be enough to cut all contact for me. He needs to grow up and realise that he has responsibilities.
My S has a son. I was always so supportive of my S when it came to his son and felt sorry for him because his ex-wife cut all ties from him, including no longer allowing him access to his child. Now looking back, at the way I was treated, I am happy and proud that she took those steps to protect her son as I have no doubt that she was treated worse than I was as he freely admits that he never loved her.
Don't feel bad. All children need stability and love. I don't think the father of your child can give that.
Jpearl47 on November 28, 2013:
Out of desperation I look to find an answer that may help ease the pain. My sons father fits 98% of these sociopathic descriptions. Over the course of 6 1/2 years I have gone through such heartache that the hurt runs so deep. The memories I cannot seem to fade. He has always manipulated me into believing all of his lies about himself and countless women. He will not settle down into commitment. Every time I walk away he pleads his heart out, only for me to be lied to all over again- the other women, excuses not to spend time with me, drugs and so forth after stating there "is no one else" and he has changed, yet still convinces me what I just saw was not what was happening. Its sick really, how can someone gain so much emotional control over you? However much deeper than this we have a toddler. One he has never contributed towards financially physically nor emotionally. He recently got out of prison for drug sales and claimed to have done a turn around. Yet it is all the same. He constantly says he is going to be there for our child, yet the focus is always on me! I want him to be a father, yet I question his capabilities and am tired of believing his lies , the truth is always so clear , yet I still fall for his nonsense. My question to you, is I just recently changed my phone number and he no longer knows where I live. I decided I was tired of the lies, the deceit, the broken promises, infidelity, inconsistency, lack of anything that a relationship needs! As well as tired of having the hopes that he will step up to the plate and be a positive productive part of our Childs life, and actually want to spend time with him and follow through. I'm emotionally drained and cry on the regular. Am I being selfish for cutting all contact because of my own hurt? Or is my choice due to his ugly character as a person justified to have cut him out of his sons life as well? My son barely knows his father because of his never being there, despite being on parole he continues to break curfew and be out drinking, and I am almost positive he is still selling drugs. Not to mention this man will be 40! Our last conversation was civil, I just suddenly had overwhelming hurt that I made this decision to cut him out of both of our lives for the sake of our growth. With out him being told that I was even walking away, I just did. Am I right for doing this? Or wrong for not giving any reason or heads up? And was it what's best for our son?
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on November 27, 2013:
Yes, a person like that could bring you down financially until you are bankrupt and homeless and then, if you pulled yourself out of your situation and became rich and successful, they would take the credit for your success! That's how they operate.
foreignchick on November 27, 2013:
"Very sorry I hurt you. Maybe it made you stronger." Wow! I'm still thinking about this and I really can't believe it. Jesus Christ! How the hell do you become a monster like that one? Disgusting inhuman being. Yuck! (Sorry, have to vent...this was really too much for me...)
foreignchick on November 27, 2013:
There are some crazy people out there. Maybe they should start hanging out with our psychos. I'm sure they would enjoy it :) lol
Alicia82 on November 26, 2013:
LOL why would any of us want to go back to such situations that did such harm to us?
Maybe they can put a spell on the Sociopaths to make them normal.
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on November 26, 2013:
It's funny-odd, ironic and annoying that people like Maria come here to promote spells that will help you win him back and have his child ...
foreignchick on November 26, 2013:
I've just read that blog. It sounds interesting and extremely tempting to try and beat the a**hole at his on game but I'm not sure if I want to waste any more time on that worthless monster even tho it really is hard to resist the sweet taste of revenge...lol....maybe one day I might try that, who knows :)
foreignchick on November 26, 2013:
@ Silvia ___ I guess it fits perfectly into HIS scenario; it seems all of that torture he put me through is quite amusing and funny to him. Sick freak. I hope he will grow old all alone, after everyone abandons him.
@ Alicia___ You're right. Messing with the mind is their gig. So that they can withdraw attention from their nasty plans.
@ maria_____ Lady, I DON'T want that sick psycho back let alone his sperm. lololol..... Besides, maybe you can sell the spell cast talk to someone with extremely low IQ and with zero education who doesn't know any better. Find yourself another page to promote that crap.
Alicia82 on November 25, 2013:
or "lol i know what you are thinking".
They are very confusing people. My S always put "hmmmm" whenever I used to ask something or say something. I find it quite rude and he knew I hated it. I was always saying "hmmmm what do you mean?" they just like to use those kind of things to mess with your head.
I was actually reading this blog on the weekend that found it interesting. Would be interested to know if others have tried this.
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on November 25, 2013:
Really, what the hell is he laughing about? --- "Lol, I owe you money? Lol, I hurt you?" Where does lololol fit into this scenario?
foreignchick on November 25, 2013:
Yes, totally disgusting. I think that sentence is probably worse than anything he has done to me so far. It made me sick when I read it. As if he said "Yea, I hurt you and I've enjoyed it because it made ME feel stronger." He is absolutely, totally disgusting and no, I don't plan to have any further conversation with him. I just wanted to show him that he does not control anything anymore because I know how much he craves that.
And the "lololol"??? What the hell is he laughing about? I had to write that back....
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on November 25, 2013:
I can't say. If it made you feel better, then maybe you did the right thing. But I do think that, to keep up the contact with further exchanges, would be a mistake. Wow, I can't believe that line, "sorry I hurt you but maybe it made you stronger;" that really illustrates one of the main characteristics of this type of disorder. Way to twist the situation around 180 degrees!
foreignchick on November 25, 2013:
Nicely said: "dead inside". That's exactly what they are. A walking shell completely empty inside. No feelings, no remorse, no guilt, no empathy, no conscience, no nothing.....
I have been thinking since my psycho sent me that message and after a few days of thinking it through I have decided to reply. Not to stay in contact with him or anything, but only because I wanted to do something he wasn't expecting of me. I wanted to sound indifferent. He probably expected I will beg him or insult him. But I did neither one of those two things. I haven't mentioned our relationship or his lies, cheating, empty promises, use, abuse.... or whatever the hell he has done to me. Instead I was extremely short.
This is his message:
"I owe u money. Haven't forgot that. Hope ur ok. I've been alone again for weeks now but plan on staying that way. I learned a lot about myself through that. Enough to kno that while being alone i can't affect anyone elses life and its best to remain that way. No details. Anyway, I need to arrange something with u soon. Let me kno. And yea i kno... Fuck me, right? Lololol. Very srry i hurt u tho. Really. Maybe all off that made u stronger. I hope so."
He of course wants me to feel sorry for him again. He thinks he can sell the same story over and over and over...
First of all there's no "Hi" no nothing. He started out with "I owe you money." So that is the only thing I commented on and have not mentioned anything else. And his last sentence "Maybe all of that made you stronger"...yuck!! Like he's some kind of savior who ruins other people's lives in order to make them stronger and help them out...LOL...absolutely disgusting!
So, I answered this:
"Money??? Lololol. I don't need your money. Thanks tho. Enjoy"
I am under impression that if you totally ignore them and not answer at all that they might think you can't face them and say a word because you care too much. That's why I have decided to write at least something...short and cold, that screams "I'm really not interested in your life. I'm not angry with you and I will not insult you, I'm not desperate for you and I won't beg..."
I kind of think that if you show them that their words mean nothing to you anymore, that they can not engage in conversation with you or upset you anymore, when you show that they have absolutely no control and no power over you anymore.....that is a kick in the face for them and that's what pisses them off and then YOU are the one who has the power. I don't know maybe I'm wrong about this.
What do you think? Have I done the right thing?
Alicia82 on November 19, 2013:
I actually think the best sign of a Sociopath is when you have no contact with them and then they all of a sudden come back into your life and after something. They are always after something. Don't respond. I responded and my S wanted money. I said no and I had a go at him about it and told him to never ask me for money ever again. I took a stand and he treated me like absolute crap ever since because, maybe he has realised, that he will never get anything from me again. Continue the no contact.
Like Absolutely said, it isn't easy. It can be like an addiction. That's how I refer it as.
Absolutely, it is funny that you mention about the replays. I am the same. I seem to be just replaying everything he has said or done in my head. Sometimes all day long. Sometimes I just want to take my brain out so I can stop thinking about it lol. Maybe because I know that it was all lies now and just trying to make sense of it all, which is impossible as Sociopath's never make sense.
I saw another picture of my Sociopath yesterday. Ugly, ugly man. His soul is so ugly to me now. He is smiling away in the picture, looking so happy. Made me angry then I remembered that he can be looking happy on the outside but he is dead inside.
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on November 19, 2013:
I hope you find the strength to walk away for good. As you have realized, no contact is the ONLY solution. I have never heard of an instance where a relationship with a sociopath improved. I have only heard stories of relationships that spiraled downward and out of control until they finally had an unhappy ending. Again, I hope you find the strength to walk away, for good.
Absolutely on November 19, 2013:
It has been a while since I have been on here. I have had a long struggle with my situation. I tried to limit contact but that just doesnt work. No contact IS the only way- as Silva says.
That being said, it isnt easy. I know without a doubt what I am dealing with. And yet I allow him to continue to manipulate me and control me. I tried separating myself from him. I limited my texts and he just comes on stronger. Asking business like questions just to get a response from me to start a dialogue.
He can sense when I pull away and turns up the charm and understanding. I have cried, screamed, called him out on many things and he twists it all. Makes me doubt myself.
Each time I said I needed more and that I have had enough, he finds a way to give me that time and attention.
He told me that she told him everything that we had discussed. She asked him about things too. I said why would she even ask if nothing is happening between the two of you? He had no answer. It was in this moment that I knew, she was talking about it and asking for a reason. And she has been telling him things about me to make me look bad too.
He asked me to go to a hotel last weekend. Of course his harem was busy that night. I had plans and told him no. It was the first time I said no. And even though I know it made me stronger and made him worry, it made me almost regret saying no. That is how wrapped up I am.
I told him I was leaving for good. He laughed at me. And grabbed me. He doesnt take no for an answer. I thought, what normal person would react that way? Every time I am quiet or unhappy, he goes to great lengths to turn it around. Being the happy one. Pretending like nothing is wrong. It is so odd.
I have lost myself. I dont interact with people normally anymore. My days are consumed with thoughts of him. Replaying everything that has happened and that has been told to me. I wonder how I can turn a blind eye to all the things I know. How can I allow this to continue?
With each passing day, the chasm grows deeper. I have found myself hating him and disgusted with myself. I have no attraction anymore. I find myself trapped in a relationship I know is wrong.
I really want to talk to her. I wish she would. I dont care anymore about privacy. I dont care if she wants him. I just want some closure. I want to talk with someone about all of this craziness. someone who understands.
I want my life back. I want to be happy. I want to have my friends back. I want the strength to walk away for good.
Silva Hayes (author) from Spicewood, Texas on November 19, 2013:
Congratulations on the No Contact -- it is the ONLY thing that works. Stay strong.
foreignchick on November 19, 2013:
Haven't been on here in a while. Trying to get through all this mess of mine. But somehow I think that will never happen. I think I will never get over this and most definitely will never ever trust any man in my life, ever again.
And, yes, Alicia I am sure a person can develop PTSD after all that emotional abuse and torture. I've read all about it and I'm almost positive I have it.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that after 38 days of NC my psycho sent me a message yesterday. I did not reply of course. He will get his silent treatment back!! :D
(Felt a need to brag about this a little...its hard to resist the temptation and not say this to him: "F... off and die you lying P.O.S!")
Alicia82 on November 16, 2013:
While in a relationship with a Sociopath, did anybody find that they became emotionally abusive towards the sociopath? Just reflecting back and in response to my frustration towards him, I actually think I was. I am never like that to anybody but there was something about him that didn't sit right. :)
Zac on November 09, 2013:
This story just confirms I'm a sociopath and I can confirm I LOVE to rush things and get cosy with someone quickly. Do I want to cause any negative or terrible things? No. I just want a real relationship, something to make me feel.. Normal.
Alicia82 on November 03, 2013:
Is she actually pregnant?