Andrea has a background in astrology, Myers Briggs, and pop culture with expertise in relationships and dating. Definitely a Midwesterner.
Signs He Wants a Divorce
You married each other because you love each other -- hopefully. In some cases people have arranged marriages. Some people only marry for the money. There are some weird motivations out there to tie the knot...
Regardless, one day the spark goes out. In fact, you probably know things haven't been great for awhile, but you're trying to decide whether the marriage is coming to an end or if this is just another rough patch.
You likely wanted to read a hub like this because:
A. Your marriage is on the rocks
B. Your curious about how marriages decay and how to prevent it
C. Maybe you secretly want a divorce
Here's the thing. Sometimes your husband might be doing a lot of disrespectful and awful things in the marriage, but he doesn't have any interest in actually breaking up. Shocker, I know. Sometimes he wants the marriage because he doesn't want to split up all the things and money. He might not see that taking advantage of you really hurts you. He might be a right jerk and think with enough gifts and money he can patch up things just enough that he can do whatever he wants on the side.
My Advice: Don't Stay in an Abusive Marriage
You may want to consider if divorce is the best option for you if he is cheating on you, abusive to you in any way or to the children, or if this situation really is a living hell.
This Hub is designed to tell you whether he is thinking about divorce. You should also explore your own thoughts and what YOU really want.
It's important in any relationship to have some hard deal breakers. There are things that your partner can do that go too far. You need to protect yourself. Don't let abuse reign over your life.
If you don't know what your deal breakers are then I invite you today to sit down somewhere privately and write those words down. Maybe save it on your phone somewhere on a note. Write down deal breakers in a journal no ones knows exists. You need to know what you don't accept. You need to give yourself some private space.
Finances, Cheating, Clear Indications of Separation
Before divorce come some telltale signs of separation. You'll in some way separate from each other:
- Financial decisions are made in new ways without your consent. If you recently had your accounts merged and now he wants to have separate accounts, that might mean he is starting to building a new path without you. Unless he has really clear reasons that he has communicated for big financial decisions, this should be a giant red flag.
- You're living in different properties. Maybe it was an excuse to get closer to the lake and put more of his bikes there. Maybe it was to give more options for places you can hang out. Maybe he doesn't think the two of you can live together anymore but he still wants to keep the marriage.
- He is spending ample more time with someone else. Instead of just cheating, he is making the other person a priority and appears to be moving in a direction with that person. Cheating isn't acceptable. You shouldn't put up with this.
- You don't really share things anymore: not meals, not the bed, not the closet, your cars, your schedules, your bills, your chores, or even sharing about your day. Marriages are about sharing. Divorce is about separation.
Divorces usually happen over the same reasons: financial strain, affairs, lack of spark, petty differences that have grown. When you start arguging and feeling negative more than positive that's a sure sign that things are going on an unsavory path.
Consider whether your husband seems to keep doing these things in secret:
- Suddenly private about their finances.
- Has multiple cell phones and claims it's because of business. If it's not an affair, it could be drug or crime related.
- Doesn't talk about where they go for long stretches of time.
- Always must go to the mail box before you.
- Odd scheduling. Missing at important times, up at odd hours, wants to do things solo on the weekends. Way longer trips than usual to the grocery store. It doesn't take 5 hours to go buy milk.
- Has certain boxes or things in the closet with locks and won't explain the locked boxes. He lots of little private things like this that are just question marks to you.
- Won't tell you who they're texting or calling.
- Often goes into a room and locks the door.
- Blatantly omits information.
- Gaslights and puts energy on you instead of talking about himself and his issues. The conversation somehow always comes back to you being at fault.
- Hides bills.
- Suddenly switches what they're doing on their computer or other electronic device.
Shift in Energy
Before a divorce, there should be a noticeable change in energy. The two of you may have started fighting or he just seems really cold and distant. Generally, divorces don't come out of the blue, but it is possible. He may have harbored feelings against you for a long time and not known how to communicate it.
He may start learning toward a divoce if:
- He doesn't feel the two of you have things in common. He wants to do other things with his time. He doesn't look forward to spending time with you.
- The two of you have polar opposite political views. The difference in political opinion has created a noticeable wedge.
- He doesn't like things now that kids are in the picture. He might not like raising them. He openly complains about the kids and you. He doesn't like the way you're raising them.
- He constantly talks about his friends who are divorced. He acts like their lives are better than his.
- He acts like because of you he can't chase after his dreams.
- He rolls his eyes, storms out of the room, slams doors, screams, yells, curses, and throws stuff. He displays outbursts of potent anger. And over miniscule things.
- All the compliments have stopped, he no longer touches you, he forgets all important anniversaries, he no longer buys you gifts, he doesn't spend time with you.
- He complains that he doesn't feel the two of you have chemistry anymore. He feels like the spark is lost.
- He feels the age gap has created a lot of strain. He might go on about how you're too young.
- He openly goes into a diatribe and complains about the shortcomings of his life.
- He openly talks to your kids about how you got married too young. He thinks he is teaching them and giving them advice about marriage when he is actually making them feel insecure about their family.
- He candidly says he is thinking about divorce and has even looked up the phone numbers of lawyers.
Stay Sharp and Be Resourceful
Divorce and breaking up can be ugly. Sometimes it is better for you in the long run. Your husband might be an awful person who has done some pretty mean things to you.
You shouldn't have to put up with a bad husband. You should stick up for yourself. You can live on your own. If you're unsure what to do, there are professionals who can help you whether therapists or lawyers.
If he is slowly plotting out a divorce it might be so he can win as much as possible out of the marriage. He might be doing strange things that you know are not right because he wants to win custody of the kids, he wants certain belongings in the divorce, or he is trying to get away with as much money as possible. If you notice shady behavior out of your husband and the two of you can't talk about it and straighten it out -- that's a serious red flag.
Husbands who are willing to get a divorce will do just about anything to make it happen. They may try to make you feel like it was all your fault. They may manipulate you into some pretty strange things. Watch the movie Marriage Story. It depicts a lot of the ups and downs of what really goes on in a divorce. Also, Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson do some of their best acting in the movie. It's a sad tale of the tectonic shifts that happen when marriages come undone.
You should protect yourself in a marriage. Communication is still a must.
- Keep track of dates.
- Take pictures of any strange or malicious activity.
- Have a support system in place. Know where you could turn to if you need help.
- Know where you could go if you need to stay somewhere else for a night.
- Carry pepper spray.
- Save receipts.
- Save documents.
- Make copies of everything.
- Always know the names and phone numbers of good therapists, counselors, and lawyers.
- Always have some of your own money. Try to always have at least $5,000 available in funds.
Some Other Telltale Signs He Wants a Divorce
- He doesn't want to make plans with you. It's really hard to get him interested in anything. He compares plans to scrapping sand paper together. He doesn't attend anything that's important to you. He also doesn't want to talk about plans for things that should naturally occur in a marriage like buying a house, discussing having a child, etc.
- You're always wrong. He is always right. He loves to play the blame game. He thinks everything is your fault. He acts like you're not good enough. He puts himself on a pedestal. News flash: he isn't always right... it probably isn't your fault. He wants you to FEEL wrong. He wants you to question your thoughts and timeline. He could be guilty of something, hiding something he doesn't want you to know, or just an all around bad person. If he makes you feel like you're always wrong, then something is wrong -- but it's not you.
- Serial cheating. Someone who loves you isn't going to take your trust for granted. Their going to fight for the marriage instead of create conflicts that will ruin it. Someone who HAS to be with other people isn't monogamous. You shouldn't have additional people in the marriage. You shouldn't feel like Princess Diana married to Prince Charles and Camilla.
- He never attends to your emotional needs. He doesn't care about your emotions. You could have just lost your mom and all he gives is a cold shoulder. He shrugs off your emotional needs. He only sees you as a toy, a trophy, but not an actual person. He jets when you have tears. He makes you feel bad for your emotions.
- He doesn't want to talk about the marriage. He hates talking about the two of you. He hates the history, he hates the story you built, he doesn't see a future with you. He looks pained to talk about your marriage. Someone who loves you wants to talk about the marriage and finds it exciting.
- He is living a separate life. Not just separation but a separate life. He is putting up walls to protect his new separate life. He wants to see the world without you in it. The reason he is doing so many shady things and not involving you in it is because he dreams of a world with less of you in it.
- He is moving money around left and right. You can't keep up with what he is doing with accounts. You're scared to use your money because he may have done something to it. You're not sure what is happening, and he isn't explaining it.
- He constantly threatens to leave. He demands you do something, or he'll leave. He makes ultimatums. He is constantly questioning the strength of the marriage. He wants to be in control of it. He acts like he decides whether the marriage works or doesn't. He doesn't care about you.
- He has no fight in him for love. Someone who wants a marriage and wants love is active about it. They fight for the marriage.
Andrea Lawrence (author) from Chicago on December 06, 2020:
Ignoring would definitely do more harm.
peachy from Home Sweet Home on December 06, 2020:
great article. If these symptoms are visible, it is best to sit down and talk rather than to ignore
Andrea Lawrence (author) from Chicago on December 05, 2020:
Umesh Chandra Bhatt from Kharghar, Navi Mumbai, India on December 05, 2020:
Nice points. Wel conceived article.
BRENDA ARLEDGE from Washington Court House on December 05, 2020:
Your article has nailed down alot of good points.
I would also advise one to take pictures...they speak a thousand words.