Why must things be this way? I just want her right here. Always.
The more connected you are to someone the more you can feel their presence... or lack of.
She has become my everything in life. Can anyone else relate? I couldn't have found a better soul to saturate my entire being. She makes the morning feel like a new experience everyday. And when she kisses me, I loose mobility. When She leaves I feel the distance between us.
Those precious moments!
After the year we had, strength is the only side effect.
I never had a secret garden to explore as a child, but I definitely enjoyed searching for any area I could find to be alone. I discovered at a very young age that I pick up everyone's energy around me, and did not know how to deal with that. So my solution was to isolate. I found comfort in the dark and silence was my battery charger. When I am around certain people I would usually avoid them, and in crowded sectors of my life I tend to locate a nice back closet. From that experience I figured I would probably die alone. Years of that, caused me to insert independence into my life where dependence usually resides, so I wouldn't need anyone else. I never thought I would need anyone, not until the day I met her. When I finally decided to step out of the comfort zone, there she was and I connected to her eyes. Now I need her more than I have ever needed anything.
The daily grind these days seems a little mundane and pointless. After returning to my car after 8 1/2 hours of what feels like a list of fool's errands and wild goose chases just to pass the time. There is constant movement in short segments of 30 minutes, looking for a chair to collapse in for approximately 60 seconds at a time ever couple of hours or so not to get up too fast in fear of an injury, lord only knows I am dead weight at this industry without my mobility. Sometimes I can stretch the relaxation to a whole 2 minutes of sitting, but that takes some will power and discipline. I have built up a tolerance to certain things, so as to not loose my mind too early in life. I have managed to figure out how to relax every single muscle in my body simultaneously, as well as tune out my hearing entirely to where nothing exist except my own mind. Those moments are the best. I miss the solitude. I once craved a certain type of isolation, in which I knew nothing else. Now I can simulate that feeling with someone else in the room with me. Well, for only one person. That person being her, my heart, my consciousness, My breath of life.
Most days end the same, I escape through the front gate making a beeline to my car, exhaling a sigh of relief as I stride, never looking back.
My heart skipped a beat after realizing who I will be returning home to. Once about 5 feet from my car, I ascertain the unlock button on my keys; only to press it about 20 times with no luck, going into a miniscule panic attack only to have the instant reminder that pops up every time this happens. Remembering, "Oh yeah, I should probably change the battery in my key fob." Only to be alerted again at this exact moment in the future.
Settling on a good driving song, something mellow with just a simple beat, because I crave simplicity in those dense moments of stress. Something created by Aviva or Besomorpgh usually does the trick. Biometrix has a pretty addicting track by the name of Shameless, I jam the fuck out of that song. I unlace my boots and relieve all the pressure in my feet. Stretching them a little and getting ready for my right foot to remain dormant for the next 30 minutes, depending on how heavy it will start to feel within the first 10 minutes of the drive home.
The closer I get to where she is, the more my heart flutters. Fast forwarding to me in the house looking into her eyes, she gives me the look of absolute peace of mind and relief to be gifted with my presence at that moment in time. Before doing anything else I run straight to her and she meets me halfway. We land perfectly on each others lips as if orchestrated for a feature film, our hands find their most comfortable locations, usually touching her lower back or her fingers running through my hair. I cling to her as her body moves closer to mine and taking a handful of her T-shirt, tugging at her slightly. I tighten my grasp around that small region of her lumbar as if to release any unexonerated stress of the day.
Then I just release the oxygen from my body, and somehow her energy has absorbed every inch of the dark cloud I previously had lingering. She erased my anxiety and tension, replacing with adoration and acceptance.
I crave those intimate moments when I have to endure the distance between us.