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Seven Reasons Why You Should Never Date a Divorced Man

The Obvious Fact Of Divorced Dating

When it comes to dating, we all know what a struggle it is to find that perfect partner. But at some point, you meet someone that you like. You have all the necessary equipments to take you through the dating stage. All the check boxes are ticked, except for one – he is a divorcee.

Most people who date a divorced man ALWAYS ignore the basic facts and think that just because you've “fallen in love” everything will be all sunshine and rainbows.

The truth is dating a divorced man is not a picnic. It may feel right and your emotions may all be in the right places but in the long run you will be disappointed, hurt and in some extreme cases, you will suffer from severe depression.

Countless studies by many researchers, relationship experts and other professionals have concluded that if you date a divorced man, you have less than 1% of maintaining a long term solid relationship. That means 99% of people who date divorced men never make it to the finish line and here’s why.

This paper signifies why it would be madness for you to venture into torn waters.

This paper signifies why it would be madness for you to venture into torn waters.

His children decide how far your relationship goes.

The majority of divorced men are athers. That means, no matter how pretty, smart, intelligent and perfect you are, his children will always be first in his life, especially if they are under 18 years old. You will constantly battle to be the pride and centre of his universe.

When you are in the infant stages of dating, this may not seem like a big deal to you, but gradually this will become more and more apparent. When you first started dating, he was available at your fingertips, even on Monday morning for a date. But as you go down the line, suddenly Tiffany needs a new pair of shoes, so he has to go shopping with her, Johnny needs a ride to soccer practice, Jane got sick so have to take her to hospital etc. You will eventually have to struggle to even have a phone conversation with him.

Worse off, if you don’t get along with the kids, you will feel neglected, unloved, you will begin to slowly resent him for always putting his children first. Even if you do get along with the kids, the kids will always circle your relationship. That romantic getaway you planned, you will find yourself bringing the kids along. Suddenly the only time you spend together is when the kids are around.

When they are not around, he’s either busy with his work or something else takes precedence over you. Depending on the strength of your character, most women never survive the “kids always there” syndrome, especially if you have no children of your own. If you do have kids, chances are you’re doing the same too and your children are also more important to you than him.

There's no room for you in this picture. It's HER daddy and she's his and not yours.

There's no room for you in this picture. It's HER daddy and she's his and not yours.

The Ex wife is a make or break hammer for your relationship

This is the main factor that will most likely break your relationship. Most divorced men are never truly rid of the ex wives. Remember, she shared her life with him. They most likely have joints assets and even after the divorce, they are still connected in some sort of realm. They share custody of children and so chances are they communicate regularly, whether the divorce ended bitterly or smoothly.

At first this may seem okay to you but gradually you will get frustrated with their constant communication, even after he tells you they are only discussing the children. You will become paranoid and every time she texts, emails or calls, your veins will pop out of your brain. There will be occasions where they have to attend together such as birthdays for the kids, communions (if they are catholic), children's events like soccer game, competitions, weddings and to some extent family holidays.

She may not be sharing a bed with him, but she still shares his life which means no matter how much you want it to just be two of you, it will always be three of you, regardless of whether she is in good or bad terms with him.

You will always have to deal with the ex wife at some point. After all, she still has influence over him and can disrupt your dating any time.

You will always have to deal with the ex wife at some point. After all, she still has influence over him and can disrupt your dating any time.

His Friends are Piranhas and Coyotes ready to rip you apart

It is very likely that while your divorced man was married, he and his then wife had mutual friends. After their divorce, those mutual friends tend to choose one of the divorcees, which is most likely the wife.

So when your divorced partner introduces you to them, they will not welcome you in their circle. They will smile and say hello to you but that’s it. They will not friend you on Facebook, they won't follow you on Twitter or even bother to get to know you.

Every time your man tries to invite them for a coffee, the will find every excuse in the book not to come and if they do come, you will feel their coldness towards you. To them, you are a spare wheel, a distraction, an amusement toy for their friend.


You're not welcome in this circle. Your just someone they occasional pretend to ask your man about just so they make him feel like he's still one of them.

You're not welcome in this circle. Your just someone they occasional pretend to ask your man about just so they make him feel like he's still one of them.

You will always be "The Other Woman"

The Other Woman – That is your name when you date a divorced man. You will always feel like an intruder in his family. Even if you met him after he divorced, in the eyes of everyone around you, you are the other woman. His kids will see you as proof that their parents will never reconcile. His friends will find it hard to associate you as his new partner. They will always call you “that girl he’s dating.”

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Your friends will associate you with “that divorced man she’s dating.” You constantly have to prove that you’re not just another woman. You’re his woman and are here to stay. Sadly most people will label an expiry date for your relationship and sad to say they’re usually right.

You will most likely never become his bride.

Forget “I do” – If you are the kind of girl that someday wants to get married, then you won't achieve that by dating a divorced man. Unless he is a marriage-a-holic, most divorced men will never attempt to say “I do” ever again. This is because when they were married to their wife, they thought the world was their oyster.

When it ended, the devastating impact is so permanent that the belief of marriage flies out the window. Marriage is a joke to them and for them to attempt that again is like suicide. Unless you pressure him into saying “I do,” he will never propose to you willingly. Your level of relationship will end at just “girlfriend or partner.”

This is what your life will be. Always sad on one end and the highest title you'll ever achieve is "the girlfriend."

This is what your life will be. Always sad on one end and the highest title you'll ever achieve is "the girlfriend."

Meet the Family

If you are fortunate enough to meet his family or he meets your family, then there is some hope to this relationship, but studies have shown that people in relationships with divorced men hardly ever meet his family, neither does he meet your family.This is mainly because both of you are terrified of the family reaction.

In your case as the one dating the man, chances are your parents will not be very thrilled that their potential son-in-law already has kids and has done the marriage thing. Most parents want a single in law with no baggage so they can be the original grandparents.

As for his parents, they will not be thrilled either that they have to share their grand parenthood with other people. It is also very rare that your families will get together, unless you’re both from the same neighborhood and both families are familiar with both of you.

The Race Factor

Dating someone who is a different race to you is always a challenge. It’s a bigger challenge if he is divorced. Though love may be the binding factor for the both you, other factors will forever separate you.

For instance, you’re likely to have different taste in food, different tastes in hobbies, different perspective of life. The people around you will most likely be uncomfortable around the both of you. Your family members will not make an effort to be around you. One of you will always be the underdog.

There’s also a greater chance that you won’t bond with his children. When you go out, the look in people’s faces when they see both of you will be intimidating. Some couples may put on a brave face and say “I don’t care what people think” but deep down you do. When you go to a restaurant, waiters treat you differently. When you go to the movies, the attendants treat you differently. That race barrier will always hang over people’s heads. It may not initially affect you, but in the long run it always does.


This smile will be short lived as uniting two families from different cultural backgrounds is harder than building a city!

This smile will be short lived as uniting two families from different cultural backgrounds is harder than building a city!

Conclusion

My advice to you regarding dating a divorced man is... Don’t! Save yourself the heartache and misery that comes with it.

In the long run it’s not worth it, especially if your divorced man was married for a long time (20 years plus.) Forget the love factor. Love is an illusion and no amount of it will sustain a relationship that’s founded on broken ground.

For reasons why you shouldn't date a divorced woman, please go here.

Learn from other people's experiences with divorced dating

Comments

Jess on November 25, 2017:

75% of divorces are initiated by women, right? Means, 75% of divorced guys still have feelings for their ex-s, otherwise, it would have been them filing for the divorce. And that's why you get "kids come first" thing. It's HER kids come first. If you happen to have kids together with that guy, they might well come second or third. Seriously, I know examples. One guy could brag for hours about his older kids, while occasionally and absent-mindedly mentioning "that other baby" he fathered with his current partner.

justaguy on October 14, 2017:

This is such a sexist piece of crap. It is full of generalities. Divorced guys deserve a second chance at love, especially if they got left. Many of them do want marriage, and maybe even more kids.

glory on April 03, 2017:

i don't understand single dads...like if you know you will never put your girlfreind in the same level of priority as your kid then ...WHY TRYING TO BE IN Z RELZTIONSHIP?ugh! waist of time!

a'm dating a single dad and a divorced one an dif he ain't gonna marry well,bye! all mine dating profil still up smh!

Augusta Vradica on January 14, 2017:

Umm.. How should I put it.. Well I know this guy online who is from UK for quite a long time and we have been friends for 5 years almost until now we fell into special relationship that we call "love" for each other don't have any other intimate relationship and now when I asked to take forward our relationship to official I came across a dark truth that is he is "divorced" he never mentioned that fact when I asked why? He said he never thought that our friendship will someday turn into love. He came to India quite sometimes but we never met as because we both were busy with our life. And now I came to know the fact that he is divorced I asked him how long from that I came to know it didn't even last an year. He was married at 29 and is divorced for 2 years almost and doesn't have kids he said. And me here madly in love with this guy doesn't even care the fact that he is divorced. From my perspective keeping apart lovelife but as a human I thought he deserves a chance to start a fresh life forgetting about the past what has happened we can start on a new life like nothing happened. But when it comes to him he is kinda hurt for what his ex wife did like cheating on him for other man and still he is fighting his best to move on. But now when I ask to take forward he doesn't seem to want it he says he loves me a lot but he doesn't want to ruin my life as his involving me to his messed up life. He asks me to find another man who is fresh doesn't have a past like him who I can live my life happily but the more he says that I feel like he needs me more. I can understand that he doesn't want to screw my life but wants me happy but my heart doesn't want to get away like that it hurts me a lot to see him hurt. I don't know what should I do I am just in so much delimma that I don't understand should I follow my heart who is madly in love with him or my mind who says to console him and follow what he says. Me being an Indian I know our culture is different and he loves me a lot to care not to screw my life but I want him to have a fresh start with him and make him forget that something like this ever happened. Please help me I am trying my best to pretend everything is alright but its not seriously I am hurt like hell and seeing him hurt makes it more difficult. I know it's stupid to ask for online relationship like us but his words and his eyes tells the truth that he is hurt.

Steve on December 20, 2016:

This article is the reason guys have to worry. Like others said, every divorced man has an equally divorced woman. 75% of the divorces are initiated by women. If the article mentioned "reasons to not date a divorced woman" it would be labeled sexist. I am a guy who married a divorced woman with kids, helped raise those kids from 4 and 6 to 25 and 27, and my wife walked out the door. Gastric bypass surgery and a wig turned my heavy wife into a skinny woman with long dark hair. She thinks it is the 1980's again. Meanwhile I am left with divorce fees, spousal support, and splitting of assets. Nice!! I look forward to the reasons of NOT marrying a divorced woman.....wait....probably will never happen. Totally fair

Larissa123 on March 28, 2016:

If you are a single childless woman you do not need to waste your energy dating a divorced dad. I feel sorry for many of these nice guys who get divorced because the wife cheated BUT feeling pitty isn't a good enough reason to subject myself to all that backage. Every time I dated a divorced guy I made 95% of the accommodations and compromises. More importantly divorced men just don't have the same wants as I do. Getting married again and having a child is not negotiatiable. Many divorced men are hesitant to do either. I've even had them lie about their intentions and if they were open to having another child. Many just want a live in girlfriend. I'm not going to settle for dealing with all their baggage and not getting what I want. So the next time a divorced dad tries to convince me I should give him a chance it's no way! It's not worth the risks to me.

Ava on March 04, 2016:

I've been married to a divorced man with kids for years. Why it works? The kids don't come first, nor do they expect to. I didn't come first in my parents 35+ year marriage (till my mothers death). Stop this child centric nonsense if you expect to move on folks. Who will love and comfort you as you get old? Your kids?? Or will you have shown them the values of putting your spouse first and having a life and family of their own?

Jillian on March 01, 2016:

You're generalizing a bit too much. It's not fair to judge everyone the same when people divorce for different reasons and it's not always in the same terms, amongst other factors of course, such as age (including the children's in case they have them), the time they've been divorced, values, costumes (sometimes depending on their nationality or just the way they were raised), even personality because we're not all the same so we all deal with things in our own way and even this depends a lot on many other things that define the situation. So as you can see, things can vary a lot.

There's also another thing that caught my attention here... I see where you're coming from when you mention one would have to come to terms with the fact that the ex will always be around; I agree, this is especially true and it will never change especially if they have children together, but to those women out there who are dating a divorced man and are struggling in their relationship, ask yourself if it's because of your own insecurities and because you haven't accepted your partner along with his life, his reality, or if it's because he is not doing his part by giving you your place because despite having an ex-wife, it is possible to rebuild your life. If it's your own insecurities or not being able to fully accept his situation, work on it; if it's him not giving you your place, talk about it with him and reconsider things if necessary.

Mae on February 14, 2016:

I am dating a man with a teenage daughter and a woman who he has not yet divorced. It is hard on me emotionally. I have thought about the fact that children are a priority in this situation and maybe always even if they are an adult. I don't think that it has to be this way. I think that a love/ mate is first because they are part of you in a way that children will never be because it is someone that you choose and you will be with for the rest of your life perhaps sharing every thing including your most sacred self. And guess what? The children are also first. But in a different way. It's just a different type of relationship. I want my bf and potential partner to be able to do both. Be a dad and a mate. To do that involves conscious love. Lots to be said around this issue. Now, because I need more of him and he and I can not live together right now I have to wait and hold off on getting what I want ultimately. This is the hard part for me. . . the waiting. And there is truth in the original post. It's not easy for me to have the mother of his child soooo involved and talking to him all the time. Time will tell.

Cougars last stand on September 15, 2015:

Woman in America are gross. Me me me.

No wonder so many men are opting out of the white whale wedding. Who wants a psychopathic wife thrashing you within inches of your life daily. Guys stay single and realize. This relationship stuff is what nightmares are made of. Yes even the ones that make it married for life are miserable. Sad but true.

Your given one life. It's all about making good choices, and in the USA, your average woman is really only out for her self interest.

Marcos on September 15, 2015:

Every woman that commented on this that avoided the divorcee and finally found love with that single guy. Statistically, you're the next divorcee. So when your fat n sassy with 2 kids and freshly divorced with no prospects.

Don't forget that taste in your mouth. Yeah that irony.

Dave on September 15, 2015:

Divorced dads got it made. They've been thru the minefields so to speak. It's not their first rodeo, and they know the "red flags" to watch for. Woman do not like this. They want it their way or the highway. Word to the wise. Run. Run as fast as you can. You can't catch me in the divorced man.

jonnycomelately on August 19, 2015:

If a woman wants a "real" man, one who is strong and protective, yet subjective, gentle and obedient; one who is "pure" with his intentions, yet willing to be sexually manipulated; one who is dominant yet willing to submit himself to a woman who has had her fling(s) through her earlier years and now wants to "settle down;" Well, excuse me but....... aren't you looking for such a confusing set of attributes that are all in your dreams, so unlikely, if impossible to find in reality?

Many men I know, through doing Men's Group work, are really working on themselves and delving into their lives to find answers.... and they are becoming really fantastic individuals, able to communicate and "intimate" with their partners like never before.

I suggest that when women are able and willing to do similar in-searching, with honesty and intelligence, then they will find a partner of distinction and cease to be afraid of men in their lives.

Search your own depths first.

Nivea on August 19, 2015:

Just about to throw in the towel after dating a divorced guy. I am not sure if the problem was with him as a person or the divorce and it's damage. I came to the conclusion he could never love me because I always felt like he was pushing me away or avoiding true intimacy with me. He was the second one I dated and while the first one did love me, I was his rebound I guess. I don't think I'd find many men in my age group that haven't been married, but I'm definitely gun shy about experiencing this again.

DML on August 16, 2015:

I happen to see this while surfing the web and right on! I am not surprised to see all the divorced parents attacking and making excuses. I am 44 and never married and when I did online dating I was mostly contacted by divorced dads, though my profile stated childless men only. I like kids, I just do not want to deal with being a stepmother. I do not want to deal with things like drama or financial. Yes I would rather be single than deal with them. I would slightly disagree about the divorced guys though. While it is not my preference, I would consider a divorced man who had a brief marriage, no kids and no attachment to his ex.

peachy from Home Sweet Home on June 30, 2015:

divorced man is more experienced than single man, he is a player the real person who controls the marriage

Punk'd on June 09, 2015:

I completely agree with this article. When I met my bf, he didn't have the balls to tell me he's divorced with a kid. He later said that information wasn't relevant. Once I fell for him he came out with the truth. Initially I thought let's give it a shot, how hard can it be, biggest mistake ever! He said he can prioritize and his ex wife or kid can't veto his current gf, but they didn't need to because he was himself at their beck n call. He planned for marriage and said he may be open to kids. He met his family and I met his and things seemed to be looking up. One year later, he told me he got into a second marriage just for convenience of some business deal and in our second year now he has yet to finalize that divorce. Now he did a 180 on his stance on marriage and kids, doesn't want either anymore. Even tho I love him, I have no respect left for his character and regardless of the good times out and great sex, I find myself resenting him each passing day.

Jonathan on April 10, 2015:

Wow, baggage much? Sounds like the author fell in love with a divorced dad who was a POS, treated her like crap & had ZERO intentions of marrying her & now, because of that, she decided to be some type of advocate against divorced men. Your article definitely touches on several of the emotions that any woman would eventually experience while dating a divorced dad but for you to insinuate that every divorced guy is the way you've portrayed us to be is ridiculous & only makes you sound ignorant.

Also, how about backing up your 1% success rate "statistic", pretty sure you got that from an issue of your "Damaged Goods" magazine b/c that's WAY off. You go on to say love is an illusion...once again, words of a damaged pessimist.

If you don't open up your heart & take chances then you'll never know what could've been. Love is give & take...sure dating a divorced dad isn't easy by any means but believe me, if the guy loves you then he shares that pain with you. It's not easy for either party but love never is.

I could continue with just how screwed up your article is but unfortunately it will do NO good b/c if any woman takes ANY advice from this article then what they have must not be real love anyways.

jonnycomelately on March 28, 2015:

"Why would it take 2 years to see a woman is selfish you can see in 5 minutes. If you are with her for 2 years you like being a victim and some one will might feel sorry for you! But because you are a man, you will be expected to pick yourself up by your own bootlaces and stop whinging about her."

flymetothemoon, can you see how this paragraph, (which I have lifted from your post and slightly modified,) paints an equally biased picture against women and for men?

Some of it I have written in the light of several years dealing with men in men's groups, where I have observed a man leaning over backwards trying to meet the needs/demands of the mother of his children. He gives in to inevitability very often. He tries to discuss, bargain, negotiate the path to a new beginning, hoping that his wife will drop or modify her outlandish claims and demands..... only to be spat upon, thrown into the gutter of divorce proceedings, and even cast out by both sets of grand parents. Even his own family point accusation at him. He is left high and dry, with few if any of the old friendships left that he would have enjoyed as a married man in a partnership. He is left alone, without a partner, without a friend, a wife, the mother of his kids, his self respect, his hopes, ..... everything that has meant the world to him. And behind the scenes, often it is friends of the woman who are backing her up and goading her into battle.

It is NOT always the fault of the man, flymetothemoon. Yet how rarely can the woman do some down-to-earth, honest self-appraisal and re-meet with the man on a level playing field? How often it it likely that she will give consideration to the possibility SHE is some how at fault, and that, given the right attitude, she might help to rectify the situation and start again? Sometimes, yes..... but rarely I suggest.

flymetothemoon on March 27, 2015:

I cant believe what Im reading............. For all the people saying that divorce made them selfish & mean Divorce didnt make them selfish & mean their divorced because they were selfish & mean to begin with! If a divorced man is being selfsh mean & not committing to you it isnt because he's divorced its because he was always an A-hole! Thats why he's divorced to begin with! If a divorced man is jumping every time hs ex wife calls its an act its called over compensating (meaning he just wants to hurt your feelings), if he jumped for his wife when they were married he would'nt be divorced to begin with! When you leave him he will go back to abusing his wife & anyone dumb enough to let him abuse them! ll f a sudden he wont be jumping for her any more! All of this is just common sense! And, this goes both ways for men & woman selfish mean people shouldnt get married & have kids end of story! Single dads belong with single moms! If a guy/woman with kids is dating a woman/man with no children thats a red flag he/she belongs with a single mother/father! Why would it take 2 years to see a man is selfish you can see in 5 minutes if your with him for 2 years you like being a victim but no one will ever feel sorry for you!

..

jonnycomelately on February 23, 2015:

How anyone could think that all divorced men fit into one mold; or that all men might be untrustworthy; or that all women can be trusted; or that it's always the fault of the guy that a marriage breaks up..... generalisations are just that and they ignore individual circumstances. Not a fair and honest discussion, in my view.

Nicholas Daly from NSW Australia on February 23, 2015:

Brutal! Haha.. It is seven reasons rather than something prescribed in each case, so some things to think about, and as others have observed there's likely to be reasons to date divorced men (there are countless bad men who have never been divorced too).

d on February 05, 2015:

Great article...hit it on the nose.

SimplyFancy on February 01, 2015:

I thought I was alone in my desperate attempt at saving women from this nonsense. I could have mistaken this well-written, hubpages masterpiece, as a glimpse into my personal diary. It's true ladies. It's all true!!! If I could go back 6 years, I would have left it as a high quality booty call with a few extra benefits. THATS IT! Even the simple things I used to enjoy are gone. I'd rather be alone and 20 pounds heavier!

Larissa on January 17, 2015:

I think divorced men are great for divorced women who have kids but as a 33 year old woman never married and never had kids it is not right for me. First of all they are demanding and 2nd of all if their ex did them wrong especially they are less likely to commit to marriage and have a child with you. That's selfish to ask me to deal with all the baggage and not make one sacrifice for me! I would rather date a guy who had a kid out of wedlock because they are more willing to want marriage with me and other kids becuase they never experienced it. And another thing is yes your kids come first but you don't have to rub it in our faces and treat us like dirt. You can find a balance to make everyone happy but many are too lazy to try.

Larissa on January 17, 2015:

I've never been married or had kids and I'm 33. A lot of divorced dads want to date me. I was willing to deal with their baggage but many of them don't want another child or marriage. They just want a hot girlfriend who help stake care. Of their kids and. Has sex with them. I'm sorry but dealing with their baggage is bad enough...and then I don't see to get anything I want....I'm supposed to make all these sacrifices for them and their kids but they don't want to make any for me. Many were dishonest about not wanting another child. I have a house, career and I work out to stay in shape. I don't deserve to be treated like this and I'm done giving them a chance. I'd rather date guys that had 1 kid out of wedlock at least they want to get married and many welcome the chance to have a child to raise as a family.

It is always the man fault on January 03, 2015:

This article is full of crap. It screams as if it is always the man fault. I am divorced man and my experience was nothing but a nightmare. My Ex cheated on me and accused my of domestic violence to get alimony. During the entire process I was fighting to keep my good name but the police, the court and everyone was involved was taking her side. I was unfairly treated and almost lost everything. And now I am labeled a divorced man who is looked down by other. It is getting harder and harder to start another relationship and have a life again because of people like the author of this article, not to mention the lack ability to trust someone else ever again.

laterz on November 20, 2014:

I agree with this article and only wish I would of listened to my mother when she told me a divorced man wasn't for me. I fell in love and hated that my mother wasn't happy for me meeting someone who wasn't a drug addict for once and someone who I don't have to support and help me out instead. Well here I am a year later after being engaged and he burly got rid of his ex wife's wedding gown a month ago. He holds on to too many pictures and jumps the minute she says so yet when I say something about it he rite away tells me I don't compare to his child. His child is the most unruly child. Getting in trouble in school daily for threatening teachers and kids and he doesn't discipline at all. I do everything for this lil retard who doesn't know what hygienie is. I wash his uniform for school because the ex sends him to school dirty and kids bully him. He is unwanted at school and I can't set any rules at home. He eats off the couch all day with pancake syrup dripping all over the couch in the mornings and I'm not allowed to say anything. I really hate my life for I moved out and left a good job to be with him but now I'm far away from a decent job and he doesn't care to move out the old house with old memories because it's for his kid. He doesn't care to acknowledge my dreams for our future so at this point I'm either hanging my self in the tree out side soon or something of that sort

Dawn on November 14, 2014:

I absolutely agree with this article. I am one of those who ended up with severe depression and so emotionally damaged cannot ever imagine being in another relationship. This was 5 years ago after an 8 year relationship with a single father with 2 teenage daughters. I only wish I had read such wise advice prior to immersing myself into such a horrible mess. And no, you first wives commenting in this forum, children need to be looked after & cherished, however they should not be number one in any marriage whether it be first, second or beyond. Put the relationship first & everything might fall into place.

Struggling with him now on November 01, 2014:

Everything you said is completely true. At first, you will trick yourself into thinking you can handle all the "baggage." These men are so messed up from the divorce, even if they are the one's who wanted it, that they can't possibly ever give a single childless woman a full time commitment. I am an educated woman and tried to make it work in so many different ways, but in the end, you will always want to feel special and will never be his #1.

Sharilee Swaity from Canada on October 13, 2014:

Aneegma, you make some good points. I am married to a divorced man, and we have had to work through A LOT of struggles to get to a better place. You paint a pretty true picture of what it is like, and I think women need to be aware of what they are getting into. I think it can work for some of us, but it does take a lot of work. And the factors you mention can also make the relationship very shaky, too. Take care.

Chris H. on October 05, 2014:

Isn't this true of women, also? Probably even more so because the majority of the time the kids reside with the mom.

It sounds like your position is based upon being single, available and unwed - and in a relationship with a divorced dad. Isn't that your choice? You may have not known these facts when you hooked up, but most people who are committed to raising a family understand the dynamics involved.

Maybe your post should qualify your circumstances a little better.

Fwiw, I married a woman who fit the male description perfectly. As a single eligible man in my early 30's I let love get in the way of a lack of experience and good judgment. My marriage lasted 6 mos. My relationship with the woman continues to this day due to our child.

The first step in avoiding a trap is to know of its existence.

Divorced woman dating a divorced man on September 18, 2014:

This is the biggest piece of dribble I've read in a while.

If you can't handle being second to someone's kids; you're the one with issues- not them. Get over yourself.

And guess what, many men marry for a second time and it doesn't make them "marriage-a-holics. You're delusional and whiny.

I sincerely hope people don't take this article too seriously. They'll miss out on great men if they do.

I'm the happiest I've ever been with someone right now, and he's a divorced man.

Divorced men are not damaged goods.

Paigethompson76@yahoo.com on September 01, 2014:

I have been happily married to a divorced man with a 10 year old daughter for a year now :) we have been together for a long time! We have a 2 year old and another on the way!

I can see where some one want to bi pass a person with kids, because yes there is tons of baggage and you often have to be the better person in situations when it comes to the ex wife! But for us it has worked even before the kids we had together! His daughter goes in phases of hatred towards me but ultimately I know she loves me and she knows I will always love her as my own.

We met each others families right away, and I even go to his families baby showers and bridal showers and anything I am invited too! My family and his family actually like each other very very much!! And I can count on his mom and his sister for anything!

You sound a little bitter to me because everything isn't that horrible not if you have a good man, a lot of the time people in the divorced mans life will like you if they see you are making him happy. Maybe not the mutual friends between him and his ex wife but hey the same would go if he had an ex girlfriend so deal with it if you care, everyone has baggage some is just different then others and some "baggage" like and ex wife and kids you will have to see and deal with all the time! I will say being in this situation is definitely not for everyone but when you love some one enough and they love you and trust you back just the same you can get through anything together!

Also kids coming first is life lol people who are married with there own kids together only end up putting there kids first over there spouse it's life! Kids need the attention and maybe you should just change your thinking to "what a great dad he is" because really that's how I feel about my husband and my stepdaughter and our kids always come first in my life too... My step daughter came first over her dad before she even became my step daughter officially! Which is part of the reason my husband fell in love with me! Well anyway I hope you find some one! But remember even if they have never been married before they are going to have some kind of past you may have to get through marriage and relationships all take work but are ultimately worth it!

jonnycomelately on August 13, 2014:

As a man who has never married, I have however been attending various men's groups over the past 25 years and listened to many tales of woe.

My conclusion is that many men in "difficult" relationships are doing their utmost to resolve the situation. Often I see men working hard to delve into their innermost motivations, trying to adjust their own way of thinking and seeing things. They bend over backwards to try saving the marriage. They want to do the right thing for their kids, first and foremost. They want to keep the family together..... yet they are the one to get trodden on and pushed out into the cold world of loneliness. The guy is so often the partner that gets landed with alimony for many years until the kids are old enough to fend for themselves.

Conversely, I have heard stories of the wife not being able to reach into HER self in order to sort her own baggage out. She simply refuses to ever visit the idea that her own expectations, her own attitude, might need at least a slight revision.

So, I can see where Raine Law Yuen is coming from. Equal rights, equal responsibility I suggest.

Onesizefitsallmaybe on August 13, 2014:

I don't have history of divorces, but I had a few ex-boyfriends who were married previously. I did date both single and divorced men. I preferred the divorced men. They knew how to treat me well, but the time they were upset. When I shown similar behavior to their ex-wife, they turned into a different men for a few minutes. When they got over with their bad delusional state, they were apologetic.

Overall, divorced men aren't the same. They are those men who learned from their mistakes, or do the same mistakes and expect different result. Meaning, you change your attitude and be sensible for your significant the other.

Raine Law Yuen from Cape Town on August 08, 2014:

Gosh this must be one of the longest responses to a hub page article. You have a way of saying things that people feel deep within but don't always know how to voice. It goes to show how many of us have 'gone there bought the t shirt' I think people don't change - They change relationships hoping to change their circumstances but fail to realize that they are running away from themselves and need to heal what is broken first before repeating the same cycle.

Robert on July 23, 2014:

Why dose the man has to be bashed and trashed all the time, don't let him up keep kicking him while he's down. So untrue of what half if you have to say.

I have been through one of the most ugliest Deceitful divorces, and one fine day totally out of the blue I meet this wonderful beautiful woman on my own no date services no online thing next thing you know what dating. Now she's totally my significant other an Angel I call her second to none. My children love her and she loves them there is no one first there's no one second we all love each other the same. You want to call her the other woman that's fine by me because she's everything my first wife wasn't,a mother a wife a lover a friend. She's beautiful and talented, intelligent and elegant oh yeah did I say beautiful/goddess gorgeous..

So for those who want to not give the man a second chance just always remember love is lovelier the second time around...

FoTo50 on July 22, 2014:

Classifying patterns in life and interpreting them for own suiting is maybe on first sight narrow minded but looking closer only human. Who wants to throw the first stone?

Beeing one of those "divorced men" myself, I see things maybe little different.

Wether it was a "friendly" divorce (like in my case) or not, I do not think any man or woman gained for this originally. Things happen in life ... and so different are the results ... and so different is to see how future would work (or not).

For my part I don't want to think this was the end and I'm looking ahead. Love is NOT just an illusion!!!

And never try to "number" priority between love and kids, this simply doesn't match. You also would never compare apples with pears.

My ex? I would not have married her if I would not think, this is it. Whatever things may happen, it not always works how u think. But this does not mean, that the feelings never have existed. Of course, due to kids, I always will need to get in touch with her once in a while.

I not want to get pushed into the corner of a "no go" without any fault. Men can be nice, they can be assholes. But same counts for women. It is good we all are individuals and we should be judged that way.

bringthenoise on July 20, 2014:

I guess I have a different perspective than many of you. I dated divorced men. When my daughter and niece were quite young, we became like family with this one "divorcee's" kids. Things didn't work out with me and their dad, the "divorced" guy. So I made friends with their mom and she turned out to be pretty cool, and we still get together sometimes! We even spent a week together with all of our kids in one of her dad's condos at the beach. I mean, people are people. You can't judge by what happened with 2 guys out of billions of people, what will happen with every guy. That's just not fair. I mean, I would date a divorced guy again. I'm much older, all of our kids are practically grown now, so who cares? lol If you get lemons with one or two divorced guys, make some lemonade and get the heck over it. Life is entirely too short. And don't forget, it's entirely up to you if you allow yourself to be used by a user type. No one held a gun to your head forcing you to spend a single minute with a person who obviously used you. When you see that's what you're dealing with, END IT and move forward. Don't linger in a relationship with a bad person, whether they're a divorcee or not, that's unwise.

angela on July 20, 2014:

Kuddos to those who have found divorced men with and without kids who can make the new love an equal part of his life without sacrificing his children.

I never again date a divorced man with or without kids because i was on the bad end of the stick twice.

I put up with the father trying to date and hide me from kids and ex, i put up with him saying he doesn't have anytime to spend with me but yet he had time for sex at my place when the child was at school, i put up with him saying he doesn't want to upset the ex, i put up with him saying he never had any money to take me out while i paid for everything and i was a dumb ass to help pay for things his kid needed and i put up with broken promises and the ex spending nights at his place because by the time him and the ex handled the situation it was to late for her to go home and lastly race played a big part with the white divorced male he said he didn't want the bad influences of black women around his kids but yet i was good enough to sleep with, help take of his kid and get money from while i was supposed to ignore my own child. The black divorced dad i had the same issues as i had with the white one except race.

Both relationships lasted a year and a half i chalk it up to a lesson learned but i would never date a divorced man with or without kids.

Annie37 on July 18, 2014:

I have been in a 5 year relationship with a man with a teenage daughter that has lived with him full time since three months after we got together. by then, I was hooked and 'in love' and I naively thought I could handle the challenge of 1) his ex and her family meddling and 2) the fact he had to care for his teen daughter full time (age 14 now 19). I have to say I don't regret the relationship because it's been very maturing for ME - I think it's the first mature relationship ive really been in. What someone said before about guys after age 35 without kids or responsibilities the 'peter pans' out there is totally true - there is a reason a lot of them are still single. In my 'quest' for love, I've dated these guys before this relationship, and a lot of them had 'baggage' in their own way: bad irresponsible money handling; porn addictions; way too many expensive hobbies; a lot of single 35plus guys out there im sure are more selfish than any involved dad on this post.

I related with a lot of the comments, especially the women who've been there. The post I read about the man's teen daughter sitting next to him on the couch, snuggling under the blanket while she sits on a separate couch by herself - YES - that happened to me too! And he would say 'i was being selfish' etc so it's nice to read that my feelings of being last place, rejected, not important are shared by others.

It's very isolating and sad to date a married man, in my experience and at this point I think I regret the WASTED TIME above anything else (with him age 31-36). I could have left earli