Michelle is a self-love and wellness coach on her personal healing journey. She empowers others through her experiences.
I grew up in a traditional family
I grew up in a Catholic family. We didn't go to church regularly or practice at home but my parents stood by its traditions pretty firmly. Though my dad was a little more laid back and very vocal about sex through jokes, my mom was more of a prude. Sex was very taboo and hush-hush in our house. A relationship was between a man and woman and marriage was sacred. Going outside of the relationship in any way was cheating and a sign of dissatisfaction. If you wanted to have an open relationship it meant that your partner wasn't good enough for you.
As I got older, these beliefs were ingrained in my being. Anything that sat outside of those beliefs, I judged and would never consider myself. It wasn't okay. It was wrong. I could never do that.
As I got even older, I developed traits that I didn't quite understand. Traits that didn't fit into my parents' box. I was at war with myself because I was curious yet suffered from insecurities that held me back from exploring those sides of myself. I was haunted by my thoughts and being different than what was deemed normal.
I found myself in situations that hurt people and landed me judged by my loved ones. I was in limbo for a long time. I craved the traditional milestones of love but was also tickled by the non-traditional possibilities.
I tried to be a good person. I tried to find the traditional love I was raised to believe in but often found myself unsatisfied yet I couldn't bring myself to experiment because then I wouldn't be good enough. If I couldn't please my person then I wasn't good enough. I was worthless. I had to be their everything. Their only.
One of my past boyfriends was pretty open-minded and craved freedom as much as I did. He had offered the idea of an open relationship since we were different with specific needs that we couldn't give each other but I said no. I couldn't fathom sharing him with anyone else. I was intrigued by it since I had reservations about also getting what I needed elsewhere but scared because "What if he liked her better and left me?"
No, I had to be his only. His forever. I wanted what everybody else was doing. The man, the marriage, and the forever love.
Mental illness held me back from being the real me
As a child, I was bullied for years. I was bullied by family too. I was then abused by partners.
I never felt good enough. I never felt wanted or truly loved. From a very young age, I was a people-pleaser. I would do anything to get someone's approval and validation. As a result, I didn't love myself. I didn't love my own company. I was insecure.
So here I am, carrying false beliefs about love and relationships, a box I need to fit in as to not be judged, and a lack of confidence holding me back from being my true self. I am navigating the world with a lack of self-love keeping me from accepting my true self and living my life accordingly.
Depression and anxiety created a person that made me miserable. I was bored, unaligned with my true self, and angry.
I cheated on partners, I became a mistress, I had one-night stands and left relationships easily. I wasn't normal. I wasn't meant for relationships. I wanted to desperately find my forever love yet I didn't feel like I belonged in a traditional setting. I was damaged. Selfish. A slut. A homewrecker. Maybe I was all those things but I also believe that in these actions, my soul was trying to show me what I truly craved: Freedom. Self-love. Options. Passion. Wilderness.
My self-love journey showed me who I truly was
When I started my journey, I didn't know I would be sitting here writing this type of article. If anything, I healed so that I could love myself, heal my traumas, and prepare myself to find that forever love I always dreamed of.
I have been single for three years and in those years I have learned so much about myself. I have learned that traditional relationships may not be for me; I get bored when I connect with only one person; being with more than one person fascinates me; I get excited at the thought of experiencing many connections; I fantasize about multiple partners; I fantasize about same-sex connections; I don't want to be tied down to the same person for the rest of my life; I have one life to live and I want to live it to the fullest; I want to be loved and love as many people as I can; I want to share my love without limits; I am too wild for the traditional path; You can be in love with someone deeply and love other people too.
Now that I love myself, value myself, and truly know who I am, I am not limited by my fears and ego. I am free.
Don't be afraid to live your truth unapologetically
You are who you are. Your fantasies, your turn-ons, your needs, your values, your beliefs, and your choices are yours and only yours. You have one life - live it!
Don't let others' judgments and views of life influence the person you decide to become. A lot of these people are struggling with their own truth. They are limited by their beliefs and views of self. Let them live in that box.
Spread your wings warriors. Shine bright and feel that wind as you fly free in your authenticity.
Spread your love. Our higher power knows this world needs it <3
P.s Be safe. Protect your energy. Put yourself first. Stay healthy. Have fun!
Monogamous or non-monogamous?
This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.
© 2021 Michelle Brady