Why Sex Decreases After Marriage and How to Increase It

Lack of Sex Causes Feelings of Betrayal in a Marriage

For the partner that feels betrayed and the one who feels underwhelmed about the loss of sexual encounters within their marriage, it really is normal, not great, but normal. Ups and downs are part of life, especially your sex life. Sex is a symptom, not the main issue—rarely do couples report all aspects of their marriage being great with the only exception being sex.

Women can be known to put sex on the back burner, but usually it's because we have all burners going at once, typically thinking about 20 things simultaneously, and sex gets shuffled around in the mix. Kids get sick, work priorities come up again, an argument with your spouse and before you know it, sex just jumped several items down on that list of priorities- maybe it leaped off the list altogether. Men can be guilty of pushing sex aside too. Some people even think marriage itself is the culprit for the lack of sex. If you are puzzled by what decreases the sex life between couples, here are a few hints and a few helpful tips.

Keep in mind that a decent sex life takes work, and there is no quick fix, just like having good health and a good body takes effort in the way of proper diet and exercise.

Children Have a Huge Impact on a Couple's Sex Life

Children have a huge impact on a couple's sex life. I remember a repetitive conversation (argument) my husband and I had during the many ensuing months after our daughter was born. Our dialogue would go as follows:

Husband: "So, am I going to get some [sex] tonight"?

Wife/Me: "Well if that line alone doesn't get me in the sack, what will [heavy sarcasm]? Certainly not a massage, foot rub, you cooking dinner, or you putting the baby to sleep..."

Husband: "OK, I get the point."

Wife/Me: "I can't believe you have time to think about sex when all I can think about is the luxury of taking a shower or eating lunch one of these days."

The wife is left feeling resentful and the man feels inadequate because he isn't getting a fair slice of the precious time his wife gives the baby. Men and women change after having a baby, therefore the relationship changes, and all too often the man wants the woman to resume her pre-baby self far too soon. Realistically, and obviously, women take longer than men to resume their pre-baby self. The problem arises when the man expects too much too soon. The woman is taking care of a new being and someone (husband/partner) should be taking care of her or at least helping her take care of herself.

While men feel the pressure of fatherhood, a woman is going through much more, physically and emotionally. She is learning how to re-balance her life, and men need to be patient because, believe it not, the woman usually puts herself and her needs further down on the list than the needs of her partner. So, if you're feeling neglected, think how she must feel.

Here's another secret I'll let the men/fathers in on. Make it easy for your wife to be with you. Don't be another stressor or remind her how long it's been since you've had sex. Insist that your wife has time for herself, sans baby or children. Take it upon yourself to schedule the babysitter. Women get consumed—even obsessive—with their role as a mother, and if she doesn't get to be by herself for decent periods of time, she will forget the (pre-children) woman inside her, leaving only her identity as supermom. Insist on her getting time for herself and time with you, without the kids.

Women have a bottomless reserve of giving, and giving, for their children—it's an instinct. A man will say he is tired and simply be done with his day, but a woman will keep on giving to her children, past the point of exhaustion. She may not have anything left, but somehow, if her children need more or are sick, she digs deep down in her bottomless reserve and gives more. Problems can occur when the husband wonders why she can't find it within herself to give more (ie. sex) to him—why won't she go above and beyond for his needs?

That's not a fair question for men to ask. No competition—sorry, guys. If husbands are expecting their wives to easily shut off their mother role once the kids are asleep, they'll be disappointed. Give her time, on a weekend or during the day when she is not exhausted already, to shut off the mother role. And don't expect to get sex the first week or so of giving her more outings by herself—be patient and show her this is genuinely time she deserves, no strings attached. Even if you're hoping for some sexual favors sometime down the road, you should still be sincere about helping her detach from the kids a little.

Encourage each other to have a life and hobbies outside of the kids. If the kids are your life, your sex life will suffer—of course when you're done procreating/adding to your family, that is.

Where's the Person I Married?

Aren't we all guilty of accusing our spouses of changing after we marry them? Sometimes it seems they change so much that we lose some of the initial attraction we felt for them. Or maybe we changed so much that our attractions varied as well. But somewhere during the dating period, we were attracted to this person.

The way a woman views her man is crucial to her sexual feelings toward him. A woman feels most attracted to a strong, not necessarily physical, but supportive man—even if a woman is strong and independent, she still wants to know her man represents a safe place to fall.

Women have an ideal in their heads, from the time they were little girls, about the man they will marry. While it's important for women to give up the man in their fairytale, it's also important for men to know what makes their wife attracted to them most and "up their game," so to speak, in that category. If she is attracted to your child-like boyishness, find places to go where you can play.

It's complicated in the way that love is unconditional, but realistically, attraction is conditional. We can't give up or let ourselves go or sit around watching TV and expect our spouses to be attracted to us. There is nothing in the marriage vows about being eternally attracted to your spouse—sad but true. The good news is your spouse was probably attracted to you for several reasons initially, so maintaining a few of those attractive features and traits can keep your spouse dazzled by you.

Men seem to complain a lot about their wife's body changing after marriage, usually by gaining weight. If you pressure her or concentrate on this aspect too much, then she will withdraw further away from the bedroom, and consequently, your chances of sex will diminish. Women are very psychological creatures, especially concerning sex. They realize when they've gained weight and it affects them mentally. The best thing to do is be an example—stop eating junk around her and don't focus activities around eating. Women want to feel close to their husbands so they will partake in activities or even bad habits like late-night snacking just to spend time with you. If she gets her connection by eating with you, then she won't need to engage in other connections, such as sex.

"Couples think, If I'm not getting what I want, then you don't matter"

— Tony Robbins

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You Have to Give Up the Competition

We have to do things we hate for the other person's sake and give up the competition, while working on becoming a team.

There may come a time when your partner says I want less sex or more sex. You would like to acknowledge your partner's needs, but they aren't compatible with your needs or maybe you feel like you can't give more sex unless you get some of your other, non-sexual needs met.

Typically, one person in the relationship has emotional, spiritual, and psychological needs that must be met before they welcome the idea of sex. If those needs are not met, sex decreases or becomes dissatisfying for that person. But how does each partner get their needs met when one is not willing to give unless given to? Does it become a stand-off?

First, the needs should be communicated in the most respectful way with your partner—no attacking or blaming. Then, work on a give and take program—you ask for a date night or a massage (whatever you deserve or helps you feel connected) from your partner and you will give him a favor in return. I have to say this works to get things going again and proves to one another that giving and taking is possible. You may need to flip a coin to determine who starts the giving. Score-keeping like this isn't a long-term solution, but it works during the lulls and low points.

Sometimes we expect marriage and our spouse to fulfill all our needs. . . after all, they did in the beginning. A new relationship seems to fulfill everything on your list; you don't need to eat, sleep, or love anything else. You are perfectly full and complete. This is unrealistic in marriage though. We need to consistently evaluate who and what can fulfill our needs- it's not all our spouse's responsibility. Some of our needs can be met by our friends, relatives, and ourselves. You may be focusing on having more sex in your relationship, but some of that need may be derived from a lack of self-worth or emotional intimacy.

Trouble's Been Brewing

Lack of sex is a symptom of a deeper problem. Something else is going on and has been for a while. Since women are mental/emotional creatures, it's usually a woman who holds resentment or anger about something in the past. This is a mental road block a woman must overcome to get physical again. As a man, you can either talk it out with her (don't have a "get over it" attitude) or you can get help from a counselor together.

Effort? Ugh!

It's obvious as a nation, we don't like effort. We want to work less and have more, eat more and weigh more, etc. Add one more to that list; It takes effort to have a sex life with your spouse, and even more effort to have a good one. I'm not suggesting doing it begrudgingly, but making time for it to happen adding a little spice. Couples are surprised at the effort involved to just get away from their routine to have sex or quality time that might lead to sex. Sex doesn't just happen when married. There are several ways to satisfy a man and a woman, but it takes effort to discover these things- uprooting the usual routine to discover long-term bedroom bliss.

Men, if you put out effort, your wife may put out too. Don't take anything for granted. Since spontaneity and lust are pre-marital luxuries, romance is the replacement now that you're married. What is your wife's definition of romance? In addition, pour on the romance occasionally without even attempting to get her in bed. This will demonstrate you have no ulterior motives for being romantic- it's a deed done for the favor bank.

Women's effort should begin with herself- make the effort to feel good about yourself or attractive, whatever that takes for you. For me, that's reading or watching a romantic or sexy book or movie. A little fantasizing does a woman's brain wonders. Now that I am a stay-at-home mom I can't justify spending much money on my wardrobe, but once a month I buy a new outfit or some item of clothing that makes me feel good, and wear it, maybe even on date night with my husband. Also, exercise gets your blood flowing to all you areas even if your goal isn't losing weight, it releases feel-good hormones, which help in other areas of you life (ie. sex life). The practice of doing something for yourself makes you more willing to do something for someone else. Yes, I know it's easier said than done and that's why we call it effort.

Let's Get Physical

There are biological reasons that lead to a diminishing sex life. Many occur after child birth and in the 50+ age group for men and women. For example, heart and cardiovascular problems can cause impotency in men. After child birth and during menopause, women's hormones can fluctuate extensively, causing a physical and mental decreased appetite for sex. A doctor's evaluation and blood tests can uncover the reason for a loss of sex drive.

Ways to Have Intimacy Without Focusing on Sex

• Focus on making the relationship better in general; communicate more, view each other as partners, share interests and activities together, go through hardships together.
• Masturbate together.
• Read or watch something naughty.
• Don't overthink about sex. Let it happen if it happens...it's perfectly natural.
• Take an adventure—do something completely out of your comfort zone together. This is the first thing Tony Robbins uses for couples he counsels.
• For women who can't find the inspiration to have sex with their husbands, here is one incentive: after you have sex with him is when he is feeling closest to you and open to conversation about things you may want to discuss while he's in a really good mood. If you have sex before bed, though, he will probably be fast asleep so pick a good time not right before bed.
• Kiss more.
• See a romantic or steamy movie together.
• Go to one of your favorite date places (or activities) before you got married.
• Talk dirty (over the phone, text, or email is good).
• Touch each other more.
• Try a new activity or challenge with your spouse—you may see them in a new light.
• Make a short list together about the top things that turn you onto the other person and keep that list handy to refer to later.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Comments

Kevin Kovalsky from London on May 16, 2020:

However, don't you think that there are so many ways to brighten up your sex life somehow. For instance, after 2 years after our marriage, the same thing happened with me. We became cold and decided to save our relationship somehow. I ordered some gels and sex toys on pretty affordable prices. Moreover, I did also find a great sexual table game, even though it sounds weird, on https://www.deliciasexshoponline.com.br/ . Absolutely amazing sex shop! It saved our sex life.

Kevin Kovalsky from London on May 07, 2020:

Interesting article, according to the statistics, it's usually true.

John on March 25, 2020:

I have read what you have written and simply put it all sounds like a lot of excuses excuses for you not to do what you know you should do man married a man marries you you not to give your children you having children is a choice you make no man should suffer for me stop making excuses the number one reason why men cheat because women ignore them so don't blame us and stop making excuses and face it you are the problem

Johny on August 16, 2019:

Thanks, after reading this I feel a lot better about being single.

Samaya on May 21, 2019:

Things become more complicated with growing age

godrey malama on February 18, 2019:

sex is one which strengthens couples aspensally for couples who are 50 and above

tashani on November 04, 2018:

after marriage my husband doesn't like to sex with me..I tried so many things..I talked with him about this problem..he gets angry when I talk about it. I don't know what is the reason, why he refuse me...but still I love him..

Ariel Duran on October 12, 2018:

WOW is what my partner said. I've had three children and it's not the same but myotaut serum is phenomenal. It took at least twenty minutes to really go into effect. I'm happy, my partner is happy and my sex life is back on track.

Norm on April 04, 2018:

I can tell how many times a year we have sex, every year is the same the answer is NONE. I won't even try, she was always boring and refused to change. So I fixed it and hadn't had sex with her in about 35 to 40 years. I'm not gay nor have I been interested in some one else. It was difficult at first but got by it. Now it's only me, I don't associate with her any more.

happycamper10 on December 19, 2017:

If your sex life is bad, your relationship will be bad - if it isn't already. Once you've given it a little time, if things don't get better, just get out. Sadly, it is the only permanent solution. You'll be happier. There is no reason to live out a life-sentence of heartache and torture, and bad sex.

yssubramanyam from india, nellore. andhrapradesh on December 09, 2017:

sex is a sort of sport, not merely a biological need. as long as it is limited to lower body organs, the real pleasure will not be experienced. most of the people have sex to relieve their biological urge. this desire will droop over a period of time. when sex is enjoyed as a means of reaching higher boundaries

in uniting rather merging each other a state of ecstatic state , sex will never diminish. float in sex ,never sink in it limiting to organs pleasure. it is to experience the heavenly pleasure which is beyond words.

L Izett (author) from The Great Northwest on December 07, 2017:

Great! You're welcome!

wesley. on November 30, 2017:

Great Insight. Very helpful. Thanks indeed!

eric lubaczweski on October 21, 2017:

To simplify: "Be good, and you'll get a cookie".

Frustrated guy on October 20, 2017:

You find these articles intended for well being and I believe they are, but written often by women for men to gain more insight of women as if men are selfish and lack understanding of the womans point of view, ive only read a small portion from a mans perspective anyhow in some cases i agree. However its not always the case. With my situation I help often as I can and i do understand and usually try to engage in sex maybe once a week or every other week which i believe to be fair and not pressuring. When you are married ive seen that it takes so much more to get her into the mood and often to no avail. Then when sex eventually ensues it seems the woman just interested in getting it done like folding laundry and often dont care for foreplay ironically if we split and some woman just have affairs but a new man could get something from my woman that i could not fairly quickly and commit to far less work in getting her to that point and men usually are aware of these instances i speak of but idk maybe im boring but i really dont believe that to be the case. For good men its a whirl wind of negative thoughts and you actually feel it in your body which causes a great deal of frustration. One thing i understand greatly is its her body and she should have the choice to do as she wishes with it obviously. What do we do as men though? I have waited patiently reasoned in my own mind that its not that important even though i feel it is. This often turns to affairs for men because after many failed attempts men grow weary of continuing to try and how can men be blamed if your doing your duties as a husband and fail to bring the passion in your wifes eyes often confused men do dumb stuff. Im not one to commit to affairs so i just live with frustration. My wife is a good woman and we rarely fight. We get along well and we make a good team for the family so it rules out either of us being unhappy with each other as a cause for lack of sex. Prior i have been in relationships in which unhappiness was the case but ive come to learn wether happy or unhappy results seem to be the same. Kids damper sex life tremendously but again ive found that kids maybe the cause most the time but have experienced that even without kids the results end up this way given enough time together. In the beginning its all passion just seems that once a woman settles in and knows her man will not stray there is no more reason within her to be passionate for her man. This is my experience though and I have tried many different things trying to resolve what inevitably comes. Come on Im a grown man seeking for clues online to turn around my situation, after all the frustration is effecting me not her. Yes I have talked about it with her and yes I have tried romantic things but it ends usually the same. Just crazy to me that if i make the attempt for sex it requires a mininum of all day or several taking on every responsibility i can take from her to ease her stress, take care of the children, and be romantic and patient with her to be shut down that night cause she to tired, sick whatever the many reasons woman find justified and thanks me for all my effort of being a good man. Even when sex happens I do all the work which is better then being out of work haha and its like i said before sex is a chore to the married woman for sure one in which she wants to complete quickly and doesn't want to do any of the things that i like, consider yourself lucky if this chore makes her list because i am aware of men who receieve less affection and passion then I do. Im frustrated posting about it, and i want to be a good moral man not interested in any other woman and do not wish to unleash my frustrations on her or my family and i dont but i feel betrayed, unwanted and makes me think somethings wrong with me. I believe these to be the personal thoughts of good men in these cases. Ive even tried to abandon sex altogether for myself and learn to accept things as they are but cannot get rid of the negative thoughts or frustrations. You cannot make someone be something they are not so any advice id consider to change myself and blend better into the situation I am in. Im coming to terms with how things are and understand woman go through mutiple phases and frustrations that it dampers sex for them because sex is more simple for men and woman its more of the emotion, timing and atmosphere one in which ive just not been able to provide effectively and run out of ways to try to rev up our sex life a bit. Im not requesting every night but it be wonderful if even the once or twice a month would be fulled with passion instead of it being a chore. Dead horse... Im beating it and I know. Am I selfish? Is there a method in which i can lower my sex drive so i can reduce stress and frustration because im tried of feeling this.

SexStarvedWife on August 25, 2017:

I want to point out something that I feel frustrated about many of these types of well-intended articles. It's not mostly women who are turning down sex, too busy, or feel underappreciated, etc... my main frustration is that the MAN constantly is turning down advances to want to get closer intimate with him. In the morning my husband is always uberfocused to make sure he leaves the house early for work so he could beat the rush hour traffic. At night he comes home tired. There's a severe lack of prioritizing the US in the relationship, apart from household responsibilities. I find myself so frustrated that my physical and emotional needs are not being met within the marital relationship. I've brought it up several times in conversation and he usually just fails to see my point, gets mad, withdraws more, and justifies his behavior by the responsibilities that he maintains. It's so frustrating and hurtful. I read a lot of articles about relationships and lack of sexual intimacy. Usually they are couched in the viewpoint that it's the woman who turning down the sex or has the lesser sex drive. I'm here to say this isn't true. I wish my husband would pursue me half as much as this article would make it out to be about men. He used to want sex more, say once a week... now I'm lucky if I could even get him to sleep with me in the same bed two or three nights a week and engage intimately twice a month. It's sad, because I clearly see a decline in a relationship and it seems like no matter what I do to improve it , the message isn't being taken to heart or he doesn't care enough to invest in us.

khalifah iskandar on May 16, 2017:

having a child is made huge differences for me and my wife.

she is a naughty woman back then. but now she turned to be a ticklish-easily worn out-fragile one. foreplay become ticklish, and other steamy things become unattractive to her. well, she enjoyed penetration and being humped. but others...just won't work.

i forgive her because to giving birth, woman give some of her calcium to the babies, and to take care of my clothing, the house, etc while i'm going to work. those things enough to make her suffer a bit. and in the end. i cannot say anything, except back to my believe.

"i marry girl i love, just, because i want to get home and see her face, to live together without being suspicious to others (i live in indonesia), and caress her legally in front of her parents"

if one of you still often have a steamy hot session. you're more lucky :D

Jlynn Smith on January 05, 2017:

Great article, now if only we could get men to read it! Just kidding. But really this is dead on 4 most couples. For me I just started having children the last two years, and I can say just recently did our sex life start to disintegrate. But as much as I am and he believed were becoming insecure believing that the attraction itself was gone and there wasn't an underlying problem. We were wrong. Very wrong. It is important even more than it used to be before I had children, to continue dating your spouse. From personal experience, my husband. Those days are over after I had two children and he was free to travel and do everything because his job was bringing the money home. Well that came with consequences. Like I said very great article

DREAM ON on May 26, 2014:

A very interesting topic. Your fellow hubbers give great insight to many reasons sex drive may slow down during marriage.Add children in the mix could definitely do it. I have been married thirteen years and always have had a strong sex drive. My wife and I get busy with our lives outside our love life. We are both extremely hard workers dedicated to our jobs and our careers. There are always things that come up that make it easier to put sex on the back burner. I found my wife could get so caught up in everything else in her life family issues,lack of support from her boss,projects around the house that needed to be done that sex can become not even a thought. Where I on the other hand think of sex and the pleasure more satisfying than anything else the top priority. With good open communication we often discuss sex. I have learned to refocus my thoughts on other areas of my life where at a young age my thoughts were entirely different. With a reassuring wife that sex will always be there and more often than not better than the time before it is o.k. to wait. We talk about it even if it doesn't happen when I want it. Now waiting and relearning sex like reprogramming my mind sex the thought of sex can be a foreplay for more sex later. Now know pressure by either of us sex will happen more often and more spontaneous than ever. I also found that in the past when sex became an issue both of us became more frustrated and less comfortable. Learning to relax and let life happen and changes in our bodies and our emotional states at different periods of our life. I found in your hub an interesting line about letting go of your fantasy that you have had for years really does work. Your thoughts can become outdated like an old stove that has seen better days.Now you can create new fantasies that keep your love and sex life alive and well.Thank you for bringing up so many interesting points in your well written hub.

L Izett (author) from The Great Northwest on April 23, 2014:

Mathira, thank you

mathira from chennai on April 21, 2014:

izetti, sex is the cementing force of marriage relationship. When couples allow stress and tension to overtake them, they lack the sexual drive and miss the most romantic aspect of marriage. Excellent perception and wonderfully written.

bea on March 09, 2014:

Me and my husband have been together for 8 years and have 4 children with 1 on the way. Even with kids we have sex almost every night. I have my kids on a schedule so they go to sleep at 7 and we can have the rest of the night to ourselves. We talk alot about everything including our sex life and what we like and don't like. We also try new things for experience purposes only. I believe we should experiment together since we'll be together for the rest of our lives.

L Izett (author) from The Great Northwest on February 05, 2014:

Thanks for stopping by DREAM ON. Often the sex is just a symptom of other things and communication is a big one.

DREAM ON on January 31, 2014:

What an interesting topic that has no end to it's choices and decisions. What I have seen both husband and wife can make it work or call it quits after marriage.Too often the break down of communication between each other and give up on sex is an easy way out.Very informative hub with lots of great comments.

L Izett (author) from The Great Northwest on September 01, 2013:

Thank you Carrie!

Carrie Lee Night from Northeast United States on August 31, 2013:

izettl: Thank you for writing a very detailed and professional-type approach to this hub. :) Have a wonderful week :)

marion langley from The Study on July 05, 2013:

My husband and I finally have a great sex life but it took a great deal of understanding. First we had to figure out great sex doesn't look like porn, that we had to stay in great physical shape, that we don't have the energy for sex at night so have it in the morning, what clothes and smells we liked on the other person, and we had to figure out what made each of us climax. This all took nine years...slowed by the birth of children but now it is amazing and regular! Thanks for writing and encourageing great sex in marriage.

L Izett (author) from The Great Northwest on June 16, 2013:

Joe Schmo~ it's about give and take. Both women and men. If men want sex, they must give in a way that pleases her as well. Why is SEX ABOUT MEN? Most men (and porn movies) give the idea that men is about getting a man off- he is pleased first. Why is that Joe?

Charlie~ Before getting married did you ever discuss how many times or how much sex you like with your fiancé at the time? Or did you expect everything to remain the same forever? Kids can kill a sex life and a patient man willing to gradually bring his wife back into the bedroom is necessary. Problem is men guage their marriage on how the sex life is. There is more to it than that. Can't believe a woman fell for your superficial charm. Next time tell the woman what you expect, TELL HER, don't just have expectations you share within your own mind. don't be naïve in thinking people will always be who they are before you marry them. That's kind of superficial. Find someone you would love even if she got married then you know you have fallen in love and not your dick.

Charlie on June 11, 2013:

An absolute load of crock. First wife: Firey passion, slipped a weeding ring on...all gone, gets out of shape, fat,lazy....divorce,I have standards that will be met. Second wife: Firey passion..slip a wedding ring on, have a kid...a year later she is still colder than hell and wants me to sleep in the guest room so ahe has more room on the bed withnour animals and child... divorced. I have been dating the same woman now for 4 years and continue to have the incredible sex that men typically want, we even live together for 2 years and it is still great. Truth is, marriage kills sex, it is a scam and no man should do it. When a woman knows her man can up and walk at any point with out consequence they try harder to keep him happy....simple fact.

Joe Schmo on June 09, 2013:

Why is it always about the woman?

L Izett (author) from The Great Northwest on April 27, 2013:

i agree Sam. that applies to anything and anybody. do what you like, just dont force it on others. sex is even a health benefit so perhaps with surival of the fittest theory, those that do not appreciate sex will die off...we can always hope.

samowhamo on April 27, 2013:

Well yes it may work for some but not all and even if sex drive can be removed in the future by some medical means (as some anti-sexuals claim) that does not mean it should because then you are striping humans of a certain right and besides how can sex only be for animals when humans are animals and animals have sex for pleasure all the time its commonly believed that animals do not as a kind of rule have sex for pleasure but that is being disproven some animals even engage in homosexual activity. Well if you are not interested in sex that is your choice just don't force it on other people and interfere with their rights.

L Izett (author) from The Great Northwest on April 27, 2013:

Sam,

I think any time you take away a major aspect of humans, like sex, people can concentrate more on intellect or other aspects. In theory, it may work for some. I believe my dad is this way. He doesn't go to the extreme of saying it's disgusting- he just says he has no need for it anymore.

I think the extreme people who are anti-sexual and against sex totally are only trying to ease their cognitive dissonance. If you look up that term, it explains a lot of human behavior. People can't possibly do one thing and think another- it causes them too much mental stress so if they choose to not partake in sex, they may convince themselves it's awful and be against it for other reasons besides simply not wanting to engage in sex.

L Izett (author) from The Great Northwest on April 27, 2013:

love doctor~ I agree...and both men AND women let themselves go. Men tend to get those pot bellies and veg out in front of the tv. However, usually when one spouse puts effort in their looks, it will catch on for the other spouse.

And thank you for the vote up!

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lovedoctor926 on April 10, 2013:

Excellent hub with lots of good information. I totally agree with you on this point. "It's complicated in the way that love is unconditional, but realistically, attraction is conditional. We can't give up or let ourselves go o sit around watching TV, and expect our spouses to be attracted to us." It's funny how some women think that once they are married, they don't need to impress their husbands anymore since they already love them and should accept them as they are. I agree with your points on weight too. voted up awesome & useful

samowhamo on April 10, 2013:

Hi izettl

What do you think of anti-sexuals. Anti-sexuals belive that sex is primitve, comparable too drugs, that too many evil things were done in the name of sex (which is not entirely true they were actually done for wealth and power) that it shortens the lifespan, that animals and possibly humans who engage in it are temporarily insane, that it's stupid and disgusting, and stereotypes connected to it and that people have been thinking with their genitals. Some are even against the idea of romantic love considering it an addiction to a person (which I dont think is possible), that it's dangerous and has no right to exist, and that people are slaves to it they even offer tips to anti-sexual parents for their children who might feel deprived (I don't know if they are trying to force it on their children or not). They want to strip people of some of the most basic things that make us human. Well thankfuly they are only a very small minority and of course they do admit that no one says they are right and may be wrong (which I am thankfull for because people these days often mistake truth for opinion) and on a side note anti-sexualism is actually a form of sexual discrimination (I read that on wikipedia). Izettl what do you say.