I call this Icon, "FANTASY LAND"
"A Woman's Thinking"
This is "a woman's thinking in a nutshell," and is essentially a woman's problem.
"I like this and this about him, but this and this needs 'tweaking;' then he will be perfect."
Women always view men as a "fixable project." Ladies, you can't change a man. Accept him how he is flaws and all, or don't be with him in the first place.
WHY Are You with Him?
If you are looking at a man like this woman is in the first picture, then you obviously shouldn't be with him! Why did you even agree to go on a date with the guy in the first place, if you truly didn't like ANYTHING about him? It makes ZERO sense to me why so many women think in this way, that a man will entirely change everything about himself for her, rather than just pursue a man that does have all the qualities you are looking for.
Again, the question must be asked, "do you even like ANYTHING about him? What is it about this guy that even has you sticking around, to want him to change ALL these things?" Can you even answer this question with a logical response? Many women won't be able to, and to that, I say, "HERE'S YOUR SIGN."
If you have a problem with a man who's drinking alcohol, smoking, has tattoos and piercings, is loud and outspoken, uses foul language, has dyed spiked hair, dresses in a certain way like Goth/Punk Rock, then you don't get with that guy; you get with a guy that does have the characteristics in which you are looking for.
After that first date, if all you did was complain regarding everything about him, he's not likely to change for you, instead, I can promise you that there will be no second date.
Grow Up/Have Some Juevos
Some men grow and mature and learn from experience, as everybody does. We all have a "young and dumb" phase. But you don't get with a guy thinking, "hopefully one day he will grow up." That's silly to get with a guy hoping in time he will mature into the man of your dreams...because what if he doesn't? And you have just wasted all that time and effort on a failed experiment? Like I said earlier, "Buy AS IS."
There is nothing more unromantic than feeling like a guy's mother at the end of the night. I want to feel like I am with a real "macho" man. A man with some "juevos," if you know what I mean...(Juevos = Eggs/Balls in Spanish). I am not here to baby you like your mother, I am here to be your wife. The last thing the world needs is another "manchild" out there. Staying at home because he is too lazy to work, playing video games and watching television all day, mooching off his parents who are spoiling him and the cause contributing to the problem. Nothing puts out a passionate fire of desire for your man at the end of the night quicker than feeling like you are his mommy.
Being immature will get old. You can't have expectations for and make assumptions about what you hope will transpire in the future between you and your man. Some people grow together as individuals and as a couple, and strengthen their bond, but some also grow apart. Yes, often, you can expect some growth and maturity over time from an individual. But, there are no guarantees. What if this is NOT the case with this particular person, or he didn't turn out growing and maturing in the ways you predicted, or not to the standards you had expected in your mind? You had this great big fantasy planned out in your head, yet, things didn't happen the way you hoped they would. But he is not to blame if he showed you his true transparent self, and you didn't take him as he was. The fact he is the same person several years later that he showed you he was initially when you met is not his fault, you are the one who had false expectations planning he would change.
Make a List, Good verses Bad
Ever hear the saying, "I love you, the good, the bad, the ugly, everything?" Such as during Wedding vows, how there are parts saying, "in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse..." Through thick and thin, you are supposed to stick it out with the person you love.
But this is not to be confused with your thoughts after a first date, in whether or not you decide to further pursue a romantic interest in a guy, and if you should take things to the next level and commit. These are completely different things.
To me, there are four different times in life that you should make a list of two columns, labeled good and bad characteristics regarding a man.
- The FIRST list I suggest a person makes, is one about their dream partner, before they ever even meet anyone they are romantically interested in. In this list, write all the good characteristics you want in a partner, and all the bad things you don't want in a partner. Be sure to star the things in the "Good" Column, that are absolute requirements, and star the things in the "Bad" Column that are absolute "Deal Breakers."
- The SECOND list I suggest a person make, is directly after a first date. Make this list regarding the guy you just went on a date with, to see if it is even worth your time to pursue a second date. Are there any immediate Deal Breakers in the "Bad Column?" Are there any requirements not met in the "Good Column?"
- The THIRD list I suggest a person make, is after a few dates, when you have really gotten a chance to get to know the guy. Now that you know a bit more about this man, are you to the point you are debating on commitment, and taking things to the next level romantically? If you are to the point you are thinking about making this a relationship, then now is the time to make the third list. Compare the list to the original one made about your dream guy. Do they closely match? Even though I do suggest you use the original dream guy list for comparison, it is still extremely important that if this guy has any missing requirements, or any "deal breaking" flaws, then there is no need to pursue things further. If so far most of the requirements are checked, and no deal breakers are checked, then the next thing I would say to check before pursuing a relationship is simply that the "good" column outweigh the "bad."
- As for the FINAL list I suggest a person make, this list should be made before marriage, before a person decides to get engaged. When a person writes a list about a person with good and bad columns, remember to keep in mind that the bad column is not a "to change/to fix" list. No matter how good the things are in the good column, if the bad list exceeds the good, or if there's anything in the bad list that is unacceptable or a "deal breaker," then you need to end the relationship.
There is a saying that "opposites can attract." But the key word here is "attract." Sometimes opposites may be fun and appealing, but this doesn't at all mean they make a great match or couple in the long run. There is the possibility at times that opposite features and characteristics between two people can balance each other out and harmonize. What one partner lacks, the other has talent, skill, and strength in that area, where a couple becomes a powerful dynamic duo. But this is not always the case with "opposites." If any "opposite feature" of a person, is a straight up "deal breaker" to the other, than one is wasting their time.
"He Will Change For Me"
The worst thing women can tend to do is think, "well if he loves me he will change." "If we get married, he will change." "If I get pregnant, he will change." "If I threaten to leave, he will change." "If I do this in the bedroom, he will change."
You are not building a house, and trying to update the wallpaper, or switching the kitchen tile pattern, or installing a new appliance feature. What you see is what you get with a guy, "buy as is."
Transparency and Change
So many women complain and nag about a man being dishonest and deceptive. But if he is truthful with you and shows you his real self, yet you stick around being unhappy thinking you can change him or "fix him," then that's on you.
Some guys will promise a woman they are going to change in certain ways. But many problems can be tied to these promises and circumstances. Such as:
- He is outright lying about intending to change.
- He says he wants to change and means it, but he's unable to.
- He makes the changes you requested, but is now unhappy and resents you for it.
- He expects you to make certain changes in return.
A lot of times men will promise us they will make particular changes. And shame on them, if they purposefully mislead us without intending to keep any promises they make to us. Because "expecting" changes of a man is the fault of the woman, but if a man "promises" he is going to make changes and doesn't follow through and deliver, then he is the one at fault for being misleading and manipulative, making false promises and creating a false interpretation and perspective of himself and how the relationship will be in the future.
Another problem that one must prepare for other than a man being purposefully deceptive about intending to change, is when a guy truly wants to change, and tries to make changes, but unfortunately, changes cannot be made. Maybe circumstances occur that are out of his control. Unexpected obstacles can pop up. Things can simply not go as planned. And one must keep this in mind. To plan that things may not go as planned.
One issue a woman must also watch out for, is sometimes when women make demands that a man make certain changes, it can blow up on them and go wrong later on. A man may initially agree to make certain changes asked for by a woman, especially when things are new, and he is infatuated with you in the beginning and wanting to please you and keep you around, then later after making all these changes you asked for, realize he isn't happy. He may end up resenting you for it, and it could backfire where he wants to leave. A man should only make changes that HE wants to make. Asking a man to make changes for you to keep you around, might result in him being unhappy, and choosing that the changes aren't worth making to be with you.
Something that could also occur, is that your guy wants to compromise. Fair is fair right? If you want him to make a couple changes, he may want you to make some changes in return. Be prepared that in order for you to get a little, you also may need to give a little back.
© 2023 Amber Bradd