Ian has experience in relationship and marriage counselling.
What to do when your husband loves another woman may depend on your values as a person and your expectations from the relationship. It is important to remember that there are two perspectives to this situation. You could be the legal wife and discover that he has a girlfriend. Or, you may be the girlfriend and discover that he is married.
It is (unsurprisingly) common for both men and women to be romantically involved with more than one person at the same time. This is according to Sheri Stritof, a marriage consultant and author at verywellmind.com. Although morality dictates that this is wrong, it still happens anyway. That is why we must openly face it, and address the problems around it.
Whether you are the wife or the girlfriend, several questions may linger in your mind. It can hurt to discover that your husband loves another woman and you at the same time. From conversations I’ve had with several women, certain questions commonly come up. In this article, we’ll answer some of those questions and try to shed light on what can be done.
My husband loves another woman, should I confront him about It?
If by confrontation you mean talking about it, then the answer is yes. If on the other hand, you intend to get into a fight about it, stop and take a deep breath. Fighting isn’t a good idea. It is likely to make the situation worse.
Talk to him about it
Sounds cliché, right? Well, talking is the most civilized approach to resolving issues between humans.
Tell him that you know about his involvement with another woman. His response will give you a clue about how he feels about your relationship. Ask if there is something about your relationship that is the reason he’s seeing someone else. Stritof suggests that frustration in marriage is a common trigger. He could have made several attempts in vain to solve the problem. Try to make yourself available to listen to his side of the story. If he suggests something that you can correct, that would be a great point to start.
If he is honest, and truly loves and respects you, he should be remorseful and will not try to make excuses. He may tell you that he loves you both. On the other hand, if he wants out, you will tell from the way he treats you after this conversation. If you feel like he is no longer interested, I suggest you try looking elsewhere.
He loves me and also loves his wife, is he devoted to both of us?
How he treats you can provide a clue. If he respects you, makes you feel important, and treats you like a lady, then he probably loves you. If he is protective of his wife and does not allow you to say demeaning things about her (including silly jokes), then he probably loves you both and he means it.
Should I break up with him?
If you’re getting everything else you want from the relationship apart from exclusivity, you have to decide which is more important to you. For example, if he provides for you and spends quality time with you without ever bringing up the other woman, then you can decide to turn a blind eye and concentrate on your relationship with him.
On the other hand, if he doesn’t care about you anymore, and you feel he’s no longer worth your time, you can consider leaving him and find someone who will make you happy and be yours exclusively.
Should I also get involved with someone else to get even?
If your husband loves another woman, It’s easy to consider getting yourself into an affair with another man, as a way of getting even. To be honest, I wouldn’t judge if you did. After all, if he can cheat, then so can you. Robert Weiss, a psychologist explains that getting even feels good for a short while, but may bring disaster in the end.
This is where your values come into play. Are you ready to manage the stress that comes with having multiple partners? Will you be able to have enough time and attention for both men and yourself?
Think about Sexually transmitted infections (for this point, you must confront him, especially if you have proof that he has other women). If you decide to stay and share him, there must be clear rules on safe sex.
I love him although he is married. My heart won’t let me leave him. How do I make it stop?
This question suggests that you’re deeply in love with him, despite knowing that he is married. If he says he loves you back and makes you happy, who am I to say you should leave him?
It’s normal to worry that he’ll leave you for his wife. But in my opinion, worrying will not help much. If he wants to be with you, he will choose you over her. If he doesn’t, there isn’t much you can do about it.
My suggestion is that you focus on enjoying the time you spend with him. If his wife is far away and you never cross paths, that should be to your advantage. Be happy to have him around. Make him feel comfortable and happy to be around you. Engage in fun activities and enjoy the moments. This will make him want to be with you more. Don’t require him to choose you by giving an ultimatum.
Try to avoid being clingy and needy as this is a turnoff and will push him away. Try not to think about what he’s doing when you aren’t together, because it will get you worried unnecessarily.
Let him know that you want to show him lots of love without sharing him. If he is still in love with his wife, he should say it to you clearly. This will help you decide if you are willing to stay and share with him.
Is it true love for both us?
Let’s start with this; Is it true love for both of you?
The best person to answer this question is the man in such a situation. It can be love for both of you, but only he can tell what he really feels for each of you.
In my opinion, the man should be courageous enough to tell his wife and girlfriend about the situation. This is important because it will allow the two women to decide whether they are interested in staying and sharing him. Failure to disclose is quite selfish but also puts the man in a tricky situation, because sooner or later the truth will come out, and he may lose both women.
If either of the women is hurt by the situation, the man must try to listen to them. He should be understanding if they feel like they can’t continue with the relationship. He may have to decide whether he’s ready to choose one over the other. If you're in a community that accepts polygamy, he could marry both of you.
What can you do about it?
No relationship is perfect. In most cases, the issues can be resolved if both of you make an effort. Most importantly, you need to evaluate your feelings for him and for the relationship. Ask your self; do you still love him enough to live with the thought of sharing him? Do you need him for financial reasons? All these things will help you make a clearer decision.
If you're in a new marriage and wondering whether it is headed for success, this article " 3 signs that you're marriage will be successful" will provide some insight.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2020 Ian Batanda