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Men Behaving Badly: When a Woman Must Put Her Foot Down

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Yves's mission is to help women attract positive relationships by establishing personal parameters and greater self-worth.

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The beginning of my misadventure...

I once agreed to go out on a date with a man I had met at my local library. When I first met him, he seemed rather sweet and he wasn't bad looking either, though he was by no means handsome. He had a “blue collar” look about him which wasn't particularly impressive; nevertheless, since I am more interested in a man's heart than anything else, I decided to consider the idea of dating him.

He mentioned that he had been a military man and that he often visited this particular library after looking in on his aging mother. He seemed like a truly genuine person. Prior to leaving the library, after our first meeting, he handed me a folded note asking me out to lunch or dinner. He included his phone number. Three days later, I called him with the hope that he might be a nice man to get to know.

I felt an inner twinge that this guy was trouble.

The first time I called---No answer. When I first heard his voice mail message, I remember feeling a twinge of something "weird." All it said was, “Leave a message,” spoken somewhat gruffly. No name. No phone number---nada. "Okay," I thought, maybe he’s the private type or the strong silent type. No need for concern. I’m not into strong silent types in general, as I much prefer men who are open and friendly. But hey, why not keep an open mind, right?

He called me back later that day. We had a truly nice conversation. He seemed like a decent guy, but....there was one thing that was “off.” He mentioned how he believes that partnerships are 50/50 and how the last woman he had dated, long-term, was “selfish.” “Uh, Okay," I said. I figured we could explore this “50/50 selfish thing" another time, once we got together for lunch. I made the decision to tuck this nugget of information away for future reference since there was something about his bringing up selfishness that bugged me. In any event, we made plans to speak again the following Tuesday at noon, since I had family plans until then.

I didn’t have to wait long before more clues into this guy’s true personality came to light.

Unfortunately, for me.

Unfortunately, for me.

He didn't call when he said he would.

Remember---he had promised to call Tuesday, at noon, to make lunch plans. Instead, I saw him at the library just before noon. He smiled, but left soon afterward without saying goodbye. Hmmm. He then called me later that day, at 2:30 pm, yet he did not leave a message. Strange. I chose not to call him back. After all, he hadn’t left a message about our having lunch.

Nevertheless, because I am a reasonable person, the next time he called I decided to communicate my feelings about his not calling at noon, nor leaving a message when he called at 2:30. I simply told him that it is important to me that he call when he says he will call and that I view calling "on time" a form of respect. He agreed, but further stated that he had called earlier on that Tuesday, but that his calls do not always connect when he uses his cell phone at the VA, where he had an appointment for his weekly physical therapy that day.

I then replied that there were no missed calls on my cell phone, reminded him that he had seen me at the library and that he could have said something to me at that time. I left it at that. I decided not to throw in the towel even though my instincts were telling me that this man was not reliable. I told him we could make plans for another day.

He called a few days later. During the course of the phone call, he revealed that he is a very affectionate person who loves to hold hands and kiss. Once again, I began wondering why he was telling me this before we’d even had a date. I had an uneasy feeling in my gut, which was further amplified by his asking me if I’d like to have dinner with him at a casino in a nearby town. He said he would pick me up at 6 p.m. I told him that I always drive my own car on first dates and that I preferred to have lunch--not dinner.

Listen to your gut, ladies!

Listen to your gut, ladies!

This was another red flag. I had already mentioned to him during our very first phone conversation...and quite clearly at that, that I always drive my own vehicle on first dates. Nevertheless, he had chosen to ignore this information (which most people understand to be a basic rule of thumb for first dates). My other concern was that the casino was a good 40 minutes away from my home.

By this time, I figured he was hoping to make a late night of it at the casino and “why drive home all that way when we could just spend the night.“ Of course he didn’t say so, but my gut told me this was his plan. Also, in an earlier conversation, he happened to mention that he had coupons for free meals and hotel stays at the casino. I put two and two together and figured where he was going with this and thus decided that there was no way I was going to be his cheap date, much less his sexual partner at this early juncture.