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Marriage, Commitment, and How to Avoid a Divorce

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Rebecca loves sharing what she knows about alternative medicine, health, frugal living, fun, animals, and how to live a better life!

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Oh you're so happy you're getting married

Congratulations. You've found your perfect mate, your other half, someone that elevates you, encourages you to grow as a person, offers love, support, excitement, and you just can't stop thinking of them.

This is always how love starts, isn't it? It's fiery and passionate. It consumes you. You think of nothing more than that promised eternal bliss and happily ever after. All you think of is your beloved, and how to please them and make them happy.

This is not the time to make major life decisions such as moving in together or getting married. True deep love grows over time and takes conscious effort and work even when you don't feel like loving someone.


Reality

The reality of love is that it's a choice. After that lovely wedding, reality will set in. Day-to-day responsibilities will take over. God help you if you have the demands of small children. Work, finances, health, household chores, it all begins to put a damper on all that pre-wedding sexiness.

When you stand in the presence of your creator and take your vows, you make not only a promise to your spouse, but to yourself and to a higher power. You make an extreme outward commitment in front of many witnesses.

Passion settles, love burns slower, and soon resembles the glowing embers of a fire. It's comfortable, familiar, and should provide security, trust, openness, respect, conflict resolution, and honesty.

Marriage is a concerted effort to love someone, even when you don't always feel like loving them. To put the needs of the relationship above your own, to follow through on your commitments and promises. Marriage should not be entered into lightly, or with a casual point of view. Marriage does take work.

Why do marriages fall apart?

A marriage can fail for many reasons. And in my opinion, there are a few causes that would justify a divorce.

  1. Lack of communication
  2. Abuse
  3. Drug addiction and habitual drunkenness
  4. Financial problems
  5. Infidelity
  6. One person simply gives up. You cannot make anyone do anything or stay.

But nowadays, a lot of marriages fail because one person decides that their spouse just no longer makes them happy. Or they find other ridiculous shallow flaws to walk away. Marriage is not about personal happiness. It is about teamwork and being there for someone long after you said: "I do".

If you cannot communicate or your spouse shuts down and will not address an issue ever, this is going to spell disaster.

Addiction brings to many issues, abuse, money problems, sometimes you have to cut your losses or at least separate until your partner can get sober. Not only for yourself but if there are children involved.

Financial issues can usually be resolved except when it comes to gambling aka addictions, or your partner having no regard for financial responsibility.

Obviously, infidelity speaks for itself, but couples can also have great success working through this and reconciling.

How to avoid divorce

The first few years 1-3 of marriage are said to be the hardest. Most people experience that "oh my god this is forever feeling" within the first 6 months of marriage. This is not necessarily a bad feeling or thought, but usually, that is when the feeling of permanence kicks in. Yes, this is supposed to be for your entire lifetime. This can be a sobering moment.

Like starting a new business, marriage is also like a business contract, many fail within the first year.

The only way to prevent divorce is to communicate. The human will can surpass the heart. Many couples survive financial ruin, trauma, infidelity, and addictions. But if you don't check in with your partner about your needs and theirs, you'll likely find yourself in divorce court.

Taking the time to understand your partner's love language will also be a huge help.

The last and easiest way to avoid divorce is...don't get married! Ha!

5 Love Languages

So how do you stay married?

As long as both parties want to stay married the key to longevity is COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, and finally...communicate. And when that does not work, communicate some more.

You have to be willing to face all issues, even the ones that are not so fun that no one feels like doing. You have to be willing to compromise. You have to choose to love your spouse, even when you don't want to.

Don't let issues fester. Resentment builds this way and will destroy a marriage.

Make the relationship a priority. Everyone is so busy these days that date nights and time to connect fall by the wayside. You don't need to do anything fancy to have a date night. Take a walk. Sit and talk. The goal is to make time together that is uninterrupted and not full of distractions.

Be willing to compromise.

Don't let the petty stuff ruin the relationship. If your husband always freaks out about a toothpaste cap being on the tube...just put the cap on. If your wife is mad that you litter the floor with dirty clothing, just pick it up! In the grand scheme of things, it is not worth losing a good person over such petty stuff. Take the 2 seconds and go the extra mile.

Remind yourself that some days are going to be great and some are not. Just like anything else in life, no marriage is perfect. No relationship, job, friendship, or marriage glides through life seamlessly without bumps and bruises.

Be best friends. Never lose sight of why you fell in love in the first place. When things get tough, and eventually they do...step back and remind yourself why you fell in love.

How is your marriage?

More to read

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2021 Rebecca

Comments

dashingscorpio from Chicago on October 17, 2021:

I believe there are three basic reasons why couples split.

1. They chose the wrong partner. (They're too incompatible!)

2. A "deal breaker" was committed in one of their eyes.

3. They fell out of love/stopped wanting the same things.

How to avoid divorce?

It's not just up to you.

Your spouse has to want to remain with you. Marriage is "at will".

The only person you can control is yourself.

There is no amount of communication or work which can overcome being with someone who does not want what you want.

Human beings make mistakes in all areas of life including choosing the wrong boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse for themselves.

No one on their wedding day (plans) to get divorced.

Not all marriages were meant to last.

The goal is to have a "soulmate" not a cellmate.

Even if you have no "boundaries" or "deal breakers" there is no guarantee your spouse won't have any.

"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

- Oscar Wilde

Best wishes!

Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on October 11, 2021:

Good advice. Sincerely hoping that someone will be helped by reading your article.

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