Val is a life-long student of unexplored human potential and many challenges that self-honesty throws at us on that path.
Because I've been on the receiving end of infidelity, I know how much it hurts.
-- Rachel Hunter
Emotional Toxic Cocktail Upon Man's Betrayal
It's always extremely upsetting and degrading to a wife or a girlfriend to be dumped for another woman -- while feeling stuck with that maddening question: "What has she got that I haven't got?"
Indeed, it's not something easy to understand, while as recently as yesterday it was all about love, presents, sex, fun, future plans, even exchanging views about fidelity -- all only turning into a joke.
Well, just like they are saying, and lovers keep proving it to be true -- "there is only a short step from love to hate", and the more passionate love used to be, the more intense hate may follow after a betrayal.
It's not only about hate though, it gets more complex than that, possibly including embarrassment in front of all those who knew them as a "promising" couple, a shame of "not being good enough", sadness because of the end of a dream, self-hate for having been so naiive, and with possible revengeful thoughts about somehow getting even.
However, it's very individual which of these responses, or combinations and intensities of them may be predominant. And equally individual what she may actually do in such a situation.
Indeed, being an individualist of my own design, I hate generalizing about relationships for this very reason of a big potential diversities involved. But then, we can always try shooting in the dark and hoping that what we say could hit the bull's eye.
Now, isn't that interesting how, facing such a situation of a man's betrayal we seem to have so many options of responding in a wrong way, while those right ones hardly even get apparent.
It's basically because we are initially operating from the platform of our emotions, not a cool mind. And that tendency is not only tied to this kind of experience, but quite generally (oops! -- here I am trespassing into the field of a generalizing guesswork), as people apparently tend to treat most of testing situations with heart, brains somewhat lagging behind.
Or, let me put it an even better way -- we humans are experts at complicating our lives by responding emotionally and not giving our minds a fair chance.
I think infidelity is difficult, monogamy is difficult, and marriage is difficult.
-- Maura Tierney
Moving On With Life: An Obscure Option
So, how do we deal with that infidelity, after the initial shock has simmered down enough for us to try thinking so-so clearly?
Of course, the optimal way of getting out of that emotional mess would be to simply leave it behind and move on with our life, opting not to waste another moment on someone who doesn't deserve it.
That old saying comes to mind: "Ignoring is the best revenge." And even though it may eventually come to exactly that, those first moments are far from allowing us to go so wise.
However, what are the other options really? Blaming ourselves is completely counterproductive, because it's not the only time when life is throwing some risks at us, and with all smartness, caution, and best living strategies things may take a turn we could not possibly foresee.
To label it as a mistake is quite O.K., albeit keeping in mind the old saying how "we are not stupid for making a mistake, as long as we don't keep making the same one".
In that sense, it would be quite wrong, if not downright stupid to immediately rush into another relationship just to put a patch on out hurt pride by feeling wanted and appreciated again.
In my relatively long life, I have witnessed quite a few such cases, with neither of the broken up parties being luckier the second time around. I can't offer a solid explanation for that, but in so many cases it was like a broken heart "cursed" both, her own and his future chances of getting a better relationship.
Here I would have to visit that theme of the "Law of Attraction", guessing that we keep attracting that to which we attached a strong emotional charge, and in the process somehow also screwing up the other person's future luck.
Don't mind this little intellectual adventure, I can't even make a grocery shopping list without thinking "quantum". Whether it's only my experience, or it's much more common -- that I don't know -- but when it comes to that "luck with relationships" , things can go a little spooky.
Infidelity has always existed, but I feel it was brushed under the carpet, behind the scenes. Now everyone is at it -- and they've stopped pretending they're not.
-- Karan Johar
When He Wants to Keep "Experimenting" With Love
Quite often an infidelity is the result of man's emotional immaturity -- albeit it may go deeper than that, like into the area of narcissism, where his interests are always a priority in the relationship.
However, no matter what the cause, such a dude -- after "having one victory under the belt" secured -- may keep wondering if he would be capable of adding another trophy to his manhood.
In his immature mind, it may appear that his present woman was too much of "an easy victory". So the temptation keeps nagging him to find out "if he still got it".
Flirting on the job is almost a classic outcome of that tendency. That's where it may escalate to a one night stand, or a "quickie in a locked office of warehouse". Actually, I have witnessed a few of such cases which even led to a marital breakup, with a couple of those horny idiots leaving a neat family life, house, along with every sound excuse to call themselves normal.
For the life in me, I could never understand how that marriage-breaker of a woman could trust the guy to start a relationship with him -- after seeing how ruthlessly he left his family.
Oftentimes, such an immoral attitude follows after a woman herself got dumped, and then thinks of all married women in terms of: "If I couldn't keep mine, why should they enjoy keeping theirs."
As for that good woman that's being abandoned, she might as well consider letting her "sexual adventurer" be, and go more careful the next time around with whom she may have a breakfast.
It simply comes to her keeping a self-respect not to rush into another lousy relationship, no matter how promising it may look on the first few dates. Men, those who mean well, and those who don't -- both are bound to use their strategies to win her heart.
Especially when they see that she is still vulnerable from the breakup, they may come up with extra "understanding, compassion, and emotional support".
Well, girls, you younger ones and you more mature -- life is way too short for experimenting. So, let's give that next dude a little longer "probation period".
Many women, sometime in their life, are going to get to a point where they have to admit infidelity.
-- La India
Kids Should Make Her Think Twice Over Forgiving or Not
Coming from a broken family myself, I may go a little biased here, but I can't not to talk like this when children are in the picture. So sometimes in life we have to just choose "the smaller of the two evils".
In this case, especially if the man is otherwise a good husband and father -- and just made a stupid mistake -- it could be prudent to mobilize that left over feeling for him and give him another chance.
Now, far from making of it a good excuse for his action -- but there is something innate in the man's nature to seek such an adventure. Actually, no matter how much he may be in love with his wife, he can't help but -- at least unconsciously -- eyeball that sexy neighbor taking some suntan on her lawn.
In that primordial part of his nature, man was a hunter, and all of us men have that crazy gene in us -- so the question is not "how many of us have it", but how many are "willing to admit it or not".
Some women -- notably my happy wife of 57 years -- don't particularly mind this "window shopping craziness" -- actually she is glad that years haven't done much to remove my lively interest in woman's beauty, and everything else that a woman is.
Namely, I happen to have an enormous respect for women, fully aware of what they have to go through in life.
Now, giving all this bragging a little more acceptable note, my wife is probably one of those rare ones who still gets flowers for no occasion at all, and hears a "thank you for cooking this delicious dinner", and gets a hug every morning upon getting up.
But then she will teasingly call my attention to a sexy woman on the TV, and won't mind my idiotic moaning reaction.
However, enough with this bragging -- suffice it to say that many of us men are horny bastards and it's really not a big deal as long as they keep their integrity of knowing what they want of life and of the relationship.
Albeit, how could I end this article without mentioning how many women also have that gene of an "Amazon-huntress", abandoning some poor sucker with her wild call for an adventure.
I hope I am not spoiling the whole story, but -- whatever is fair, is fair to say.
Well, sexual instinct is the second strongest after the survival instinct -- and both instincts have made some total idiots of many people, like the human history may attest to it.
In this post I have tried to scratch the surface of this topic of man's infidelity. Not to be taken for some solid advice, but then again -- who knows, maybe by a pure accident, I have said something that could be used in that situation.
In any case, I hope you found it entertaining enough.
© 2022 Val Karas