What is love?
Love is not hard. If you have to force it, chase it, or wait for it then it's not love. Love is recognized instantly. No confusion. Love is clear. Love heals all. Love is not complicated. Whether you love someone or you don't. Whether you choose someone or you leave. If I am not your first choice, then you don't love me. How can love be so black or white when human beings are so multicolor, imperfect, complex. When we struggle daily with ego, trauma, false mindsets, and inner criticism. So susceptible to illness and illusions.
Love shouldn't be so hard but sometimes, it's not easy either.
Should I wait or leave?
How do you listen to your heart and your intuition when you are surrounded by differing advice. Surrounded by people convincing you of the opposite of what you feel. The advice presented to you when you search how to deal with a love prospect is so black or white, it doesn't factor in things like comfort zones, fear, and mental illness. He's not jumping for you, leave, you deserve better. What if it's not that simple?
When we met, we weren't in any state to be in a relationship yet there we were, with partners, pretending we were in love. When we met, time stopped. My heart would beat so fast and hard, it felt like it would eventually stop beating. That's how intense our connection felt. Just a glance and I swear you could feel the electricity leaving his body and coming into mine. Even my best friend had said that our connection could be felt from miles away. It should've been easy right. Girl likes boy, boy likes girl, happily ever after. Not quite.
I left my relationship pretty quickly. If you love someone, you would die for them. You would take risks and dive in headfirst. You would chase it, rush it and embrace it despite anything else. You would beg for it and profess it on the mountaintops. You would convince and push them until they gave in. I wasn't ready for love. I loved deeply but I also loved from trauma. I loved from insecurity. I loved from loneliness. I loved others more than myself. I loved obsessively. I loved unhealthily. I struggled with abuse trauma and depression.
He chose his long-term relationship over me. I couldn't understand this seeing as he'd say he was unhappy. But he was comfortable. It was predictable. He didn't love himself therefore I couldn't possibly love him. He was afraid and struggled to trust our connection. Trust me and trust himself. He was haunted by abuse and abandonment issues. I feel like where I was blinded, he saw the flaws clearly. So he pushed me away. Told me I deserved better. He wasn't in any position to provide for me and the kids.
The advice I'd seek would tell me to move on, he didn't love me, he was lying to me, he was making excuses, if he loved me he'd choose me yet I could feel the love radiate from and through us every time I was with him. Maybe we're truly just not ready to come together I'd think to myself but my mind would quickly fall prey to the black and white advice that inundates the web and most of society's minds.
Read between the lines
Eventually, I left. I was finally convinced that he didn't love me at all. I failed to read between the lines because love shouldn't be such a mystery. When I analyze the connection now, I realize that all he ever did was try to protect me from himself. From his darkness. His mental illness. I realize that he didn't choose me, not because he didn't want to but because he truly struggled to believe that I could ever love him. Because I scared him. He couldn't hide with me. He was laid bare with me. He didn't choose me because I could break him. He didn't choose me to protect his heart. He didn't choose me because I brought a side of him out of hiding that looked nothing like the person he felt he was. He was a different person with me and that scared him too. The fact that I had children scared him as well because, how could he be a dad when the only role model he had abused his own son. How could be a dad to someone else's kids when he couldn't even keep his own son in his life. He would fail and failing wasn't an option. He didn't want to hurt anyone and if he chose me that's what he'd do. He also didn't choose me because if he never had me, he couldn't lose me. Not in the same way. He'd leave me first to avoid the heartache. He didn't choose me because being with me meant facing his darkness, healing, and stepping up because I'm the kind of woman who deserves a man who's healthy.
He said he loved me a few times before I left. But I still questioned him because he wouldn't commit. The advice says, "if he loves you, he'll move mountains for you." He was convinced that it would fail. He couldn't make me happy. How could I be happy with someone who hates himself and struggles to find positivity in life? I deserved more. I would get over him one day, he'd say. It's just a phase. One day, I'll meet someone better than him.
On the surface, someone could say he was using me and didn't love me. Someone could also say that I was selfish and manipulative with rushing him into commitment. I was rushing because I was scared to lose him. I thought that if we didn't get together as soon as possible, it would never happen. I was also impatient. I wanted him and I wanted him now. I honestly think I was also rushing him to get him away from her. I didn't trust him when he'd say he didn't love her anymore.
When I look back, we had a give-and-take relationship. We had honesty and communication. We deeply cared about each other. We always forgave each other's triggered misbehaving and never held a grudge. We were both also drowning in traumas, pain, false beliefs, and generational curses that would've torn us apart had we given into the connection.
On my mind and in my heart
"I need to heal. I need to get better he'd say. It could take a few years. I don't know. But whatever happens, whether we get together or not, you'll always be on my mind and in my heart", he said to me one day. Thanks to Google, I labeled this sentence as an excuse. He was playing me. He was taking advantage of me yet he gave to me as much as I gave to him. He respected me. I still left. I walked away convinced that love shouldn't be so hard. Maybe it just wasn't the right time?
Come and go
Our connection was always intense. So intense that if we couldn't be together, we couldn't be in each other's lives either. We were constantly forced apart but like stubborn teenagers in love, we'd always find each other again only to realize that we were still not ready. The connection was always still there just as intense as the time before. Our love has been an immense part of my healing and self-love journey. Our connection always triggered my darkness, the parts of me I needed to heal and I did the same for him. So we'd go down our separate paths, date some, acquire more life experience, face our demons and addictions, learn lessons and come back again.
Maybe one day, we'll both be ready. All I know is that our connection was always real and now that we're talking again, I am willing to wait. It's been eight years since we met and I still love him today as fiercely as I did back then. The only difference is that I don't get triggered as much these days. I've been healing. He's come a long way too but not quite there yet. I also know that our connection is still intact. The fireworks still go off every time we lock eyes. I also know that love is not always black or white. Sometimes, there's a whole rainbow of obstacles keeping two souls apart. "He's not the one," the advice says but what if he IS the one, and God is keeping us apart to protect our connection from all this darkness we are both fighting?