Anamika S. Jain has been a social media consultant for six years. She has written more than 200 articles on relationships and dating.
Why not to talk about your Ex or be in touch with him/her?
Is your love for Ex Boyfriend affecting your present and future? Despite of knowing that men dislike talks or comparisons to Ex Boyfriend, many women keep doing the mistake. One of the major reasons for relationship failure is past emotional baggage. Let what happened in the past, be in the past. Acknowledge it and let it go. To fall in love again, getting rid of the emotional baggage of the past relationship is very important. It is quite natural for a woman to make mental comparisons of an ex with present boyfriend. But the problem arises when you keep bragging about how your ex is perfect or put down your current boyfriend with the comparisons.
Talking of an Ex positively can hurt the male ego. When a woman keeps talking about Ex, Men find it a sign of her still not over her ex. It is in fact a sign that you still have not moved on. Talking too much about an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend is a sign of insecurity. It also means that you may be on the rebound. To heal from a break up, it is important to accept that that the relationship is over and let it go. If you don't do it, the only person who will be miserable will be you.
Personally, I have done this mistake too. When I ended up blindsided after my love at first sight romance, I was so affected that I jumped into a rebound relationship only to break up later. I kept comparing every man who came into my life with my perfect ex and none matched up. Either the men got annoyed with my bragging about Ex or I rejected them outright. Those who still tried to win me never got any closer to me than a friend. Then I accidentally met my Ex and found the real reason for his breaking up with me and why he cannot take me back. But I also realized that I do not love him anymore and even if he wants me back, I do not want him back. But I was missing the good friend in him and suggested that we be friends. He accepted and we started meeting again for coffees and movies. Nothing about him had changed. He still looked at me the same way and cared for me the same way. But I had changed. I did not see him as my romantic interest anymore. Being with me was making it difficult for my Ex for moving on from the relationship. Even the Guy I was seeing at that moment was uncomfortable with the idea of me seeing my Ex though I never had any physical relationship with my Ex. And finally, we decided that being friends was not practical anymore and parted ways.
Why being friends with an Ex is a bad idea?
There can be many problems if you remain friends with your Ex. For instance, there is a chance that you may be tempted to go back to the relationship despite of having unresolved issues. As long as you are in touch with him/her, it is difficult to move on from the past relationship. Secondly, your current love interest may not be comfortable with the idea of you seeing your ex, especially if you have been intimate. He or she could feel jealous and it could affect your relationship. Your being close to the ex can make your partner insecure about the relationship and doubt that you may end up being intimate with the ex again.
Most of the time when men and women get into relationships, then talk badly about the ex and put all blame of the break up on him/her even if it is not that way. However, the way a man/woman may talk about an Ex is also an indication how he/she would treat you if you end up as an ex. Bad mouthing and disrespectful way of talking about someone is not a good sign.
If your ex is dating someone, that person also may view you as a negative person in your ex’s life. If you're still friends with your ex, it may affect the chances of the ex also in finding a new and lasting relationship. And moreover, how can an Ex who have known so many intimate things about you, be 'just a friend'?
As you can see there is more harm than good in being friends with an Ex if you want to move on with your life. So let the exes be confined to the past only.
Why should you not go back to an Ex?
I have known people who are desperate to get back to their Ex despite of being in toxic relationships. Personally, I don’t think it is wise to go back to an Ex if the couples in the relationship do not wipe out their differences and are willing to work together to make the relationship better. Reconciliation with Ex under desperation often ends up with more hurt than earlier. As the saying goes, ‘Once broken, it can never be the same again’. And more over there is a reason why you broke up and as far as there are unresolved issues there is no hope of the relationship working out. Especially when the relationship break up is based on trust issues, the chances are that it may end up in hurt again. Life is too short to waste on living in the hope that some miracle would happen and things would be the same as when you started the relationship. It is better to cut loses and move on with your life. Who knows, maybe you have a better life in store.
However, to move on with life it is important that you dispose of all relationship clutter from your life. Everything that reminds you of your ex has to be cleared to make yourself ready to welcome a new partner to your life. Remember that by taking an Ex back you would be blocking your chances of attracting better someone who would treat you the way you deserve to be treated. So think again before you decide of rekindling an old flame.
What do you think? Feel free to share your opinions through comments.
© 2012 Anamika S Jain
Sean Mcgrath on June 03, 2015:
Just because a relationship has had its ups and downs doesn't mean you shouldn't consider the fact that you may have a future together !!
If their was cheating, and I don't just mean sex... Like having to hide things from them on your phone, Emails etc that is only because you weren't giving them the attention they needed at the time... If you have a legitimate personal reason for that then if they truly are a good person they will understand regardless of any outside factors or influences... So that is a personal test for the person that needs to forgive, if not both because both will have experienced some pain at the time of the break up!
It really depends on what you built the relationship on ! The relationship with my ex was built on friendship, trust, respect and passion and we lasted 7yrs !
She was and still is the love of my life and as angry and determined as she may be at the moment to break contact, I know she will always be thinking of me as I am a huge part of her life still.
If you wear blinkers when your hurt you may be focussed on what ever it is you think you need and distracted but do they really stop thinking of you while they're doing it! The answer is a definite NO!! that person is still a part of who you are when so much time was spent together and though we all get told to move on, where ever you go, what ever you do and whomever else you try to move forward with is all because of that other person that your denying your feelings about them will only ruin your long term happiness!
Life isn't always perfect and coming to terms with that, whether your young or old is sometimes a painstaking process but if you actually had a very giving relationship with that person and you can grow past the pain of past events you can actually have a second chance at a wonderful life together learning to live and appreciate the finer qualities in your ex and not focus on the small things that may annoy you.
What's more important...
Knowing that you've had problems and not opening your heart to a person you know you love deeply or focussing on trying time and time again with material things or another person whom you've had no experience with whatsoever $6 only to realise you've waisted your life on people your trying to intimately understand and compromise with to find bliss ?
Why would you expose yourself to that failure when you already understand and know the partner you were with?
If serious trust issues are present like cheating or physical abuse that is a serious something to consider but if your ex is simply acting the way they did out of fear of being emotionally hurt then you really need to work on communication and grow as a person and a couple and find contentment in the fact that you both are able to have the same goal in the relationship regardless of the smaller things that you thought were big things in the past.
If you really want a mature relationship then compassion, understanding and forgiveness of yourself and your partners previous behaviours need to be addressed and that can only happen with a clear line of communication!
Sean Mcgrath on June 03, 2015:
It depends on how you connected to begin the relationship and whether your ex cheated on you ! And I don't just mean sex !! If your ex isn't an honest and open communicator then that will be difficult but if you based your relationship on friendship from the start then there's always a chance that you both will grow while apart and that getting back with your ex could be the best thing in the world and you could end up very happily married because the clear understanding of boundaries and consequences has been learned and respecting your partners feelings as a human being and controlling your actions in the relationship will be a major priority as you don't want to be the bad person that does that to someone you care Deeply for !!
There are ALWAYS accept ions to the rule and as long as you treat your partner or ex the way you'd like to be treated and clearly communicate that if reigniting the relationship two human beings can grow into a bonding of souls where a wonderful life can be shared together bringing the best out of yourself and your partner ! Life isn't always perfect but fear is a great motivator to run away from the person who truly knows you and accepts you for who you are !!
Never where blinkers because while your focused looking ahead for only yourself, you'll is out on the beauty of the human condition that allows us to evolve and find parts of ourselves that we never thought would ever be available again !!
I'd definitely get back with my ex because I know she's a beautiful soul and the level of trust and commitment we shared is extremely hard to come by without being fooled by people who want you to believe that this is what they offer only to abandon you or act untrustworthy within your new relationships !!
Never give up on proven love !!
As long as each person has respect for the other theirs always a chance !!
MerryD on September 28, 2013:
My opinion for cutting lose with exes are quite different from this article from my own experiences, there are many different reasons people broke up with the SO, sometimes reasons are not desperate or nasty, if two parties both agreed the romantic relationship won't work for two, both have very mature personality and be able to analyze and think calmly and reasonably for future, know keep defined friendship won't hurt future relationship with your new relationship, then go for it. Especially for the ones you even don't have to see your or meet on the daily basis. Personally experiences have proven to myself, I was able to move to newer relationship without bringing the emotional baggage from the past. I have seen too many broke ups ended up with such nasty relationship with each others, sometimes that make a lot of people feel even more scared of being in the relationship again, so wrapping up old relationship with mature manner, calm attitude, when the romantic relationship doesn't exists, the friendship still exists as long as the breaking up didn't happen due to some nasty reasons, as long as the person can emotionally move out of old relationship with mature attitude, treating your past the way as you treat other friends, lots of people said they can't, I don't see why? The world is so big, people are so different, cultures are so different, a lot of people agree this article because they are looking for answers for themselves. But which doesn't necessary mean it will apply to the whole world. Sometimes when time passes by and you are so focused on new life, the communication or tie with old one will fade off naturally, you really don't have to force yourself to cut off all communication just because somebody else say so. In Chinese culture, we say the "business "relationship isnot there(business doesn't mean real business, imply the bond to reach some goal),the morality and attitude are still there, you don't have to treat your old one as enemies or strangers just because other do so or say so, follow your own heart, do it base on your own pace. Then move on with grace and good manner.
stacey allam on January 18, 2013:
I hd an ex contact me on face after not see him for 30 years when we were in high school he wanted to go away to college he said he was going to sleep and wanted to start dating others he did not even take me to the prom he left told me i could not visist him until he slept with others i found out he slept with my best friend he came back eaith months later said he was wrion and wanted to get back to the way things used to be before he had left before he started wanting to see others we had been extremely happy but i said no and left his house 30 years later he found me on facebbok hes been married for 23 years me for 22 says we couldve been so happy togetrher which to me is like saying hes not happy with his wife im very happily married i accepted his friiend request but he then went into all this stuff like the next thing thiing should come from me but that he didn't want me cause trouble with me trouble with his wife that he wanted his wife protected if he wanted to protected his wife and son why friend me in the first place then he says hes planning a trip here without his wife and kid i blocked him the tought of how hes treating his wife disgusted me im happily married his friendship would mean nothing to me i moved on long ago and was plenty happy with people that i was sure wanted to be with me
Kari on August 13, 2012:
Agreed! Staying friends with an ex really does improve the chance of you getting back together with them and starting off right where you left off - badly. It's better to take some time apart, fix any issues that you have, and then - if you really want your ex back, consider it.
Personally though, I have taken back an ex, and it sucked just as bad the second time as it did the first. Lesson learned!
Anamika S Jain (author) from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India on May 22, 2012:
Thanks for sharing your opinion Kaiharriss and EuroNinila.
@Writer David I think you have been hurt in the relationship that you have gone into a detachment mode with your ex-wife though you shared a good relationship with her parents. Yes, it can be quite irritating when people who do not mean anything to us refer to us as friends. You have done your part and now it is up to her if she informs you or not if anything happens to her Dad.
@barbergirl28 I am happy that your past relationship did not affect your present one. It is not wrong to be friendly with an Ex but it is better avoided if you are still emotionally attached to the Ex. I was affecting my Ex and he was still not over me. Though I valued his friendship a lot I had to stop seeing him for his own good. Thanks for sharing your experience here.
Stacy Harris from Hemet, Ca on May 22, 2012:
I have been married for 12 years now. My husband knows of one of my ex's that had a deep effect on me... in fact, when we broke up... it wasn't really a break up as in our life just went different directions. However, I am happy with my husband and thanks to facebook, I can now say I am friends with my ex. We are both married with kids and both happy. While we don't do anything together, or even see each other in person, I would still call him a friend. It didn't work for a reason... and we both know that. We have made the decision to be able to be friends. I don't think it has effected my relationship with my spouse one bit, but we have very good communication.
Writer David from Mobile, AL on April 07, 2012:
This is a very good and timely article in regard to my own personal life. I was divorced in July of 2005. I have kept my ex at an arm's distance because I really don't want to have anything to do with her. I kept in contact with her out of respect for her parents who I still care about very much. Her mother died about 2 years ago. Only her dad remains. She did something recently that greatly angered me. I had planned on telling her there was no reason for us to remain in contact after her father was gone. But, I felt as if I could wait no longer.
I told my ex not to contact me again unless it had to do with her dad. I doubt she will contact me now even when her dad (and he is a great guy) passes on. So be it. I got tired of her referring to me as a "friend." I never considered her a friend after our divorce. Never. I let her know about that as well. I hope she will keep me posted about her dad. But, if she doesn't, then that is something she has to live with on her conscience. I am free of her now. I feel infinitely better for it.
Thank you for this great hub.
Fotinoula Gypsyy from NYC BABY on April 06, 2012:
Great article! Ex's are ex's, simple as that, they are done and over with, and there should be no reason to talk to them again, especially if you're in a new relationship. That's a big no-no. Voted up and interesting!:)
Kaiharriss from Wandsworth, London on April 04, 2012:
I really like your article.... I also believe that why to spoil your future because of some past problems. It is a major mistake to link Ex relations with current ones.
Joseph De Cross from New York on April 03, 2012:
You did nail the issue with real and solidexamples. We all learn and grow through our life spanning on earth. I s up to us how to deal with the ex. These tips are awesome! Thanks!
Manoj srivastav from Nepal on April 01, 2012:
yep! your articles r extremely outstanding.... we all love it....
Anamika S Jain (author) from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India on March 30, 2012:
Thanks for the compliment Levertis Steele. I just try to write hubs I can relate to mostly. As I said, there is more damage than good in being friends with an Ex if you want to move on and have a new love interest. If you want to chase Guys away holding on to Exes can be a very good idea. Thanks for the visit and comment. I appreciate the share.
Levertis Steele from Southern Clime on March 30, 2012:
What good, interesting, and worthwhile hubs you write, Anamika! This one would be great for anyone, especailly youngsters who are not good at controlling their emotions like jealousy and envy. Sometimes a person may play friends with his/her ex because they are jealous of the ex's new friend. Blocking is what is happening in such a friendship. Sometimes ex's "cannot eat the hay and do not want the cows to have it."
I agree with you 100%. Ex's should not be contact friends, especially if they have moved on. Many people want to hold on because they want the new friend and the ex, too. That is too complicated.
I know a woman who allows her ex to visit her often. She declares that she loves her new boyfriend, but she lost him because he could not handle the ex visiting so often. I do understand his feelings. Also, no one should ever remain friends with an abusive ex. Going back is too risky.
I voted up, interesting, and useful. I will also share this with several of my associates who may benefit. Thanks again!