Is He Spontaneous or Is He Just Rude?
Are they reaching out last minute because they're spontaneous, have a busy schedule, or are you just not very important to them?
"In about 45 minutes, I can disappear from work for a couple hours. . .want to see me?" This can sound not only enticing to hear from someone that you've just started dating, but it can also make you feel giddy and desirable. Knowing that someone wants to see you and make time for you does feel good—as long as seeing you is not always a last-minute thought for them.
It Feels Good to Be Wanted
When someone wants to see you last minute in the beginning of a relationship, it can feel thrilling and seem exciting.
What woman's heart wouldn't skip a beat hearing someone tell them that he has been thinking about her all morning and would love to take her to lunch in an hour? Or that she wants to leave work so that they can spend the rest of the afternoon together? This would leave anybody smiling from ear to ear.
But when seeing them last minute starts to become a habit, are they just romantically spontaneous? Or are they just plain lazy, disrespectful, inconsiderate of your time, and frankly, rude?
Being spontaneous has its time and place. However, when someone you're dating never feels the need to make advanced plans to see you, this can be a red flag.
Some people like to have a day or several days’ notice of when they will be seeing a date—especially if they are a planner or have a busy schedule. Since some people take longer to prepare for a date, it's nice to let them know ahead of time exactly when we'll see each other.
Spontaneous Doesn't Always Work When We Want to Look and Feel Sexy
If you don't groom your bikini area, enjoy having hairy armpits and legs, or don't need to tweeze your eyebrows or other facial hair, that's fine. But if you do like to do those things, then a last-minute date can end up being more stressful than necessary. If you work out daily then your hair—if you’re not rocking a short hair do—can be time consuming to style. And, if you are sexually intimate, the pressure of getting yourself together quickly can potentially be disastrous and annoying—killing the excitement that you should be feeling instead.
Some people don't worry about the extensive grooming habits to the degree that we use on ourselves to make us look and feel sexy. However, sometimes a spontaneous guy will still expect you to miraculously look fabulous, even when he calls to hang out last minute. Seriously?
If we don't have the proper time to get dressed up, some men will have the nerve to say, "Am I not worth you looking sexy for?" Who enjoys smart-ass comments like this, especially when there was a lack of ample notice on his part? This is a sign you're dating a jerk.
Depending on what you do for work, when you work out, or what you were doing right before his call, you might not have a lot of time to devote to getting ready. However, regardless of those situations, the real question should be, "Why can he never plan a pre-scheduled date with me?"
Why can he commit to plans with his friends but not with me?
Is He Busy or Just Lazy and Inconsiderate?
There are men who will justify being busy as an excuse for why they can only see you last minute. They have the audacity to think their time is more precious than yours—therefore you should be appreciative, flattered, and understanding. In their eyes, you should feel honored they give you any time in their oh-so-busy schedule. In their mind, regardless of it being last minute, you should be available no matter what—even if that means dropping any plans you already have.
If a guy is going to date you, he should put in the time to see you and the effort to date you. He should try to make you feel special by planning dates, making adequate time, and valuing you and your schedule.
How can someone claim that they can only possibly see you last minute plan because they are incredibly busy? Even while, at the same time, he has made coordinated in advance with his friends and planned events, vacations, and family get-togethers right in front of you? Or sometimes, when you talk about the upcoming weekend or month, it is already filled with activities. So, which is it? Are they too busy to make plans ahead of time with you or do they not think you are important enough to make plans with? Clearly you are not a priority in his life.
Not Wanting to Make Future Plans Can Mean a Lack of Caring
I briefly dated a guy who was the definition of spontaneity and last minute dating plans. The only time I would see him was when he would make plans with me an hour or two before the actual time that he wanted to see me. How thrilling!
At first, I felt flattered that he was able to squeeze in time to see me. However, this feeling of flattery did not last long. I realized that, although he could never make a pre-planned date with me, he was able (and capable) of making plans with other people.
Let's keep it real, it doesn't take a genius to realize that neither his time nor his heart was fully invested in me. Hearing him tell me how much he liked me and enjoyed spending time with me was a moot point, especially knowing he did not respect me and my time enough to make the effort to plan dates. His last minute date planning solidified I was a last minute thought—hardly any woman's dream.
Who wants to date someone who only makes time for them when (most likely) previous plans were cancelled or changed, therefore leaving room for them to see you? Wouldn't you want to be the original plan versus a last minute one? More importantly, don't you deserve someone who will take the time to plan a scheduled date for you? I do.
Realizing the difference between someone being spontaneous versus being an inconsiderate dater means knowing your own self-worth. I am all for spontaneity—on occasion—but when it's all the time it is just insulting, disrespectful, and frankly, annoying.
Is It Their Way or the Highway?
The guy I dated would not only plan last-minute dates to see me, but he also had the nerve to be upset if I wasn't available. The last time I had previous plans when he wanted to see me, he texted me, "Enjoy your plans. Won't make that mistake again." an hour before I was supposed to see my friend. Wow! Afterwards, I didn't hear from him for several weeks. Needless to say, after he was done pouting and finally called, I ended things.
Ladies, a guy should never make you feel guilty for having other plans, when clearly he does not think that making plans with you is necessary. If you are important to him, he will want to reserve time in your life for the two of you—scheduling a day during the week, as well as a weekend night and any upcoming events you both would attend together. If he won't do this or hesitates, you are not a lifetime future plan for him.
When we believe that finding love is as hard as finding a needle in a haystack, it can be easy to make excuses for the poor behavior that someone we're dating displays. At the end of the day, we need to determine for ourselves if half-assed dating—which usually ends up being a roller coaster ride of emotions—is better than no relationship at all.
What some people fail to realize is that some of us enjoy the anticipation of a date. We understand things can come up and plans might change, but we still need to feel like we are a priority in your life. Trust me, if you want to keep the spark alive, the chemistry going and your partner's attraction for you increasing—plan a date ahead of time (and work hard to keep it). This will keep their mind on what's to come, creating excitement and desire in your relationship.
Here's the thing: When we know in our heart that we deserve a great partner who will treat us with love and respect, then we are opening our hearts to finding just that. This does not mean that last-minute plans should never occur, it just means they should not be the entire basis of our relationship.
Someone who genuinely cares for you and wants you to remain in their life will not risk the potential of not seeing you due to last minute planning. Instead, they will recognize that a lasting, successful relationship can only occur after spending quality time together. . .that is convenient for you both.
Bottom-line, we all make quality time for the things and people we want to remain in our lives. If they truly want to keep you in their life, you will not be a recurring last-minute thought!
This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. Content is for informational or entertainment purposes only and does not substitute for personal counsel or professional advice in business, financial, legal, or technical matters.
Comments
mysterios on July 17, 2017:
I put two and two together and it equals to deception . I learned the hard way . I met this guy five years ago and thought we would be great friends but , every time he came over it wasn't planned . It was always 10 seconds of talking , then under the cover we went . We use to text all the time . He came by , one time and said that I live too far away to keep seeing(mind you , only 2 hours away). Texted him a few days ago and never received an answer . This is the way I see it . If a man doesn't plan ahead of time to see you , he's not considering you as an important person , he's only thinking about what he wants and needs at that time . I realized that , if a man come to my house and we end up under cover , the only thing on his mind is a booty call . Think about it , never plan to hang out and spend time with you , only having sex when he come to see you , down to not even returning messages when you call or text him . The only thing he is thinking about is how to get your clothes off , so he can get off (you know) .
Niravnnsb on February 18, 2015:
Thanks for stnatirg the ball rolling with this insight.
mary on July 31, 2014:
I agree, we teach men how to treat us. Very interesting article.
Stephanie Bailey (author) from Denver on July 30, 2014:
realtalk247....agree, agree, agree! :)
realtalk247 on July 29, 2014:
Miss Adventures and Dashingscorpio you both have excellent points.
Someone once told me that you can't take personally human nature. Sometimes, although I'm not a fan of tests, will try to test or determine your boundaries and parameters for interaction. It's just determine the standard or measures that you allow according to how you value yourself. While not ever person plays into this, I've known women who played with no boundaries and the interaction turned out less than favorable for them.
Stephanie Bailey (author) from Denver on July 29, 2014:
I think the "we teach men how to treat us," is from the same concept that if you don't want to be a booty call, then don't pick up the phone at 1am when he calls and see him. Flipping it around...if you don't pick up the phone at 1am, if he really interested (in more than a booty call), then maybe he will "learn" to start making plans with you ahead of time. Dashingscorpio, I Completely agree with you that life is too short to be "trying to change water into wine." I definitely don't have time to change or teach any guy. :)
dashingscorpio from Chicago on July 29, 2014:
Miss-Adventures , I've heard a lot women buy into the "we teach (men) how to treat us". However I always tell them if you actually have to "teach" a man to be considerate or treat you with respect then chalk it up to him being the "wrong man" for you! He's not "the one"!
One is better off searching for a man who (already is) the kind of man they want to be in a relationship with. It's the "teaching" or expecting someone to change that drives you nuts.
Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.
The sooner one realizes (he/she is NOT "the one") the better off both people will be. Naturally this assumes a person has "realistic expectations". :-)
Stephanie Bailey (author) from Denver on July 28, 2014:
Very, very true realtalk247! I love every point you have made especially the fact that a "spontaneous" guy could also be in a relationship or married. And I fully agree that "we teach people how to treat us"---unfortunately some people think and believe that that don't deserve the best. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. :)
realtalk247 on July 28, 2014:
Love your article. I was also going to add continuous spontaneity may also mean he's married or in a relationship. That sudden invitation could really mean "oh I can get a way for a few hours and hang out" as well as being inconsiderate. Jumping at someone's whim and on their schedule will reveal you ultimately little regard for oneself.
Every once in a while, great. Also in the early stages of dating women need to establish their value and "jumping" when he calls is a mistake and a message that there is most likely no other man pursuing you in your life to be so "eager" to drop everything to be with him.
No-No-Yes.
It's a retraining technique.
Him
You wanna come hang out at the house with me tonight?
No thank you, I already have plans
I'm about to get off of work in 10 minutes, you wanna get together?
Oh I wish you would have called me earlier this week, I can't tonight.
(Wednesday) I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner Saturday night at 7pm?
Yes, that sounds like something to look forward to on Saturday.
We teach people how to treat us.
Stephanie Bailey (author) from Denver on July 28, 2014:
Thank you so much for the Vote Up dashingscorpio! I fully agree with all your comments and points. As always thank you for reading. :)
dashingscorpio from Chicago on July 28, 2014:
Voted up and useful!
After the initial "infatuation phase" in any relationship people would gladly trade these so called "spontaneous dates" for some "planned dates". Predictability and stability help to develop emotional security in a relationship.
If someone always feels like they're "on call" and must be prepared to "jump" at a minute's notice then they are being (controlled). This is often how people end up becoming accidental "booty calls".
More often than not a person who "jumps" each time they get the call is (afraid) of saying "no" because they believe he or she is not going to make time to see them again.
Anytime you believe saying "no" will end the relationship it means you don't feel secure in the relationship. I suspect if it were the other way around where the woman called this guy at the last minute he'd have no problem telling her he can't make it or he has other plans already.
