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Is He Spontaneous Or Just Rude?

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.


"In about 45mins I can disappear (from work) for a couple hours...want to spend it with me?" This can sound not only enticing to hear from a guy that you've just started dating, it can also make you feel giddy and desirable. Knowing that a guy wants to see you, as well as make time for you does feel good—as long as the only time you see him, is not always a last minute thought.

In the beginning when a guy wants to see you last minute it can feel thrilling and seem exciting.

What woman's heart wouldn't skip a beat hearing a guy tell her that he has been thinking about her all morning and would love to take her to lunch in an hour or leave work to spend the rest of the afternoon together? This would leave any woman smiling from ear to ear. But, when seeing him last minute starts to become a habit, is it romantically spontaneous or just plain lazy, inconsiderate (of your time), disrespectful and frankly, rude?

Being spontaneous has its time and place, however, when a guy can never or does not feel the need to make advanced plans to ever see you—this can be a Red Flag, and definitely a concern.

Most women like to have a day or several days’ notice of when they will be seeing a guy—especially if a woman is a planner or has a busy schedule. Since a woman's prep-time when getting ready is usually ninety percent of the time longer than a man’s, yes, it is nice to know—ahead of time—exactly when we would be seeing him.

Spontaneous doesn't always work when we want to look and feel sexy for a man…

Unless you are a woman who does not groom her bikini area, enjoys having hairy armpits and legs or doesn't need to tweeze her eyebrows or possibly her lady mustache—than seeing a guy last minute can end up being more stressful than necessary. Also, if you are a woman who enjoys daily workouts then your hair—if you’re not rocking a short hair do—can be time consuming to style. And, if you are sexually intimate, the pressure of getting yourself together quickly can potentially be disastrous, toppled with annoyance—killing the excitement that should be there.

I realize most men usually don't worry about the extensive grooming "details" to the degree that women do to make themselves look, as well as feel sexy. However, a spontaneous guy will still expect you to miraculously look fabulous, even when he calls last minute to hangout. Seriously?

Why is it, if we don't have the proper time to look sexy—looking too "natural," some men will have the nerve to say, "Am I not worth you looking sexy for?" What woman doesn't enjoy smart-ass comments, especially when there was lack of a time frame for seeing him on his part?

Depending on what you do for work, when you work out (gym, yoga, etc.) or what you were doing right before his call, would be the determining factor to how much time can be devoted to getting ready. However, regardless of those situations, the real question should be, "Why can he never plan a pre-scheduled date with me?"

Is he busy or just lazy and inconsiderate?

There are men who will justify being busy as an excuse to why they can only see you last minute. They will have the audacity to think their time is more precious than yours—therefore you should be appreciative, flattered as well as understanding that any time they bequeath to you, is an honor. In their eyes you should feel honored they can give you any time with their o-so-busy schedule. Regardless, in his mind, if its last minute, you should be available, even if that means dropping any plans you already have. Oh Please!

If a guy is going to date you, he should put in the time to see you, and the effort to date you—making you feel special: aka planning dates, making adequate time and valuing you and your schedule.

How can a guy claim that he is "incredibly" busy, therefore last minute plans is the only way he can" possibly" see you. But, in the same BS sentence he has made advance plans with his friends, events, vacations and family things right in front of you? Or, when you talk about his weekend or month—it is already filled with activities. So, which is it? Is he too busy to make plans ahead of time with YOU or does he not think you are important enough to make plans with? Basically, you are not a priority in his life.

Not wanting to make future plans, can mean a lack of caring…

I briefly dated a guy who defined spontaneity, aka: last minute dating plans. The only time that I would see him was when he would make plans with me an hour (sometimes two) before the actual time that he wanted to see me. Thrilling?!

At first I did feel flattered he was able to “squeeze” time in to see me. This flattery feeling did not last long when I realized although he could never make a pre-planned date with me—days ahead of time—he was able (and capable) of making plans with other people.

Let's keep it real, it doesn't take a genius to realize his time, nor his heart was fully invested in me. Hearing him tell me how much he liked me and enjoyed spending time with me, was a moot point, especially knowing he did not respect me and my time enough to make the effort to plan dates. His last minute date planning solidified I was a last minute thought. Every woman's dream.

Who wants to date a guy who only makes time for them (when most likely) previous plans were cancelled or changed—therefore leaving room for him to see you? Wouldn't you want to be the original plan, versus last minute? More importantly, don't you deserve a guy who will take the time to plan a scheduled date for you? I do.

Realizing the difference between a guy being spontaneous verse being an inconsiderate dater, means knowing your own self-worth. I am all for spontaneity—on occasion—but all the time is just insulting, disrespectful and frankly, annoying.

His way or the highway?

The guy I dated would not only plan last minute dates to see me, he would also have the nerve to be upset if I wasn't available. The last time I had previous plans when he wanted to see me—one hour before I was meeting a friend, he texted me, "enjoy your plans. Won't make that mistake again." Wow! And then I didn't hear from him for several weeks. Needless to say, after he was done pouting and finally called...I ended things.

Ladies, a guy should never make you feel guilty for having other plans, when clearly he does not think that making plans with you is necessary. If you are important to him, he will want to reserve time in your life for the two of you—scheduling a day during the week, as well as a weekend night and any upcoming events you both would attend together. If he won't do this or hesitates, you are not a lifetime future plan for him.

When we believe that finding love is as hard as finding a needle in a haystack, it can be easy to make excuses for the poor behavior that a guy is obviously displaying. At the end of the day, we need to determine for ourselves if half-ass dating—which usually ends up being a roller coaster ride of emotions—is better than no relationship?

Men, what you fail to realize is; women enjoy the anticipation of a date. We understand things can come up and plans might change, however we still need to feel like we are a priority in your life. Trust me, if you want to keep the spark alive, the chemistry going and her attraction for you increasing—plan a date ahead of time (and work hard at keeping it). This will keep her mind on what's to come—creating excitement and desire in your relationship.

Here's the thing, when we know in our heart that we do deserve a great guy—who will treat us with love and respect, then we are opening our heart to finding just that. This does not mean that last minute plans should never occur, it just means they will not be the entire basis of our relationship.

Ladies, a man who genuinely cares for you and wants you to remain in his life, will not risk the potential of not seeing you due to last minute planning. Instead, he will recognize to build a lasting, successful relationship, it can only occur by spending quality time together…that is convenient for you both.

Bottom-line, we all make quality time for the things and people we want to remain in our lives. If he truly wants to keep you in his life, you will not be a recurring last minute thought!


mysterios on July 17, 2017:

I put two and two together and it equals to deception . I learned the hard way . I met this guy five years ago and thought we would be great friends but , every time he came over it wasn't planned . It was always 10 seconds of talking , then under the cover we went . We use to text all the time . He came by , one time and said that I live too far away to keep seeing(mind you , only 2 hours away). Texted him a few days ago and never received an answer . This is the way I see it . If a man doesn't plan ahead of time to see you , he's not considering you as an important person , he's only thinking about what he wants and needs at that time . I realized that , if a man come to my house and we end up under cover , the only thing on his mind is a booty call . Think about it , never plan to hang out and spend time with you , only having sex when he come to see you , down to not even returning messages when you call or text him . The only thing he is thinking about is how to get your clothes off , so he can get off (you know) .

Ryosuke on February 19, 2015:

ja zhdu etot reliz 2 GODA! wArIor999 oni ego neskoljko raz ohlibasi i kazhdij raz oshiblisj i shas esho raz ????????? Eto uzhe budet naglo

Niravnnsb on February 18, 2015:

Thanks for stnatirg the ball rolling with this insight.

mary on July 31, 2014:

I agree, we teach men how to treat us. Very interesting article.

Stephanie Bailey (author) from Denver on July 30, 2014:

realtalk247....agree, agree, agree! :)

realtalk247 on July 29, 2014:

Miss Adventures and Dashingscorpio you both have excellent points.

Someone once told me that you can't take personally human nature. Sometimes, although I'm not a fan of tests, will try to test or determine your boundaries and parameters for interaction. It's just determine the standard or measures that you allow according to how you value yourself. While not ever person plays into this, I've known women who played with no boundaries and the interaction turned out less than favorable for them.

Stephanie Bailey (author) from Denver on July 29, 2014:

I think the "we teach men how to treat us," is from the same concept that if you don't want to be a booty call, then don't pick up the phone at 1am when he calls and see him. Flipping it around...if you don't pick up the phone at 1am, if he really interested (in more than a booty call), then maybe he will "learn" to start making plans with you ahead of time. Dashingscorpio, I Completely agree with you that life is too short to be "trying to change water into wine." I definitely don't have time to change or teach any guy. :)

dashingscorpio from Chicago on July 29, 2014:

Miss-Adventures , I've heard a lot women buy into the "we teach (men) how to treat us". However I always tell them if you actually have to "teach" a man to be considerate or treat you with respect then chalk it up to him being the "wrong man" for you! He's not "the one"!

One is better off searching for a man who (already is) the kind of man they want to be in a relationship with. It's the "teaching" or expecting someone to change that drives you nuts.

Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.

The sooner one realizes (he/she is NOT "the one") the better off both people will be. Naturally this assumes a person has "realistic expectations". :-)

Stephanie Bailey (author) from Denver on July 28, 2014:

Very, very true realtalk247! I love every point you have made especially the fact that a "spontaneous" guy could also be in a relationship or married. And I fully agree that "we teach people how to treat us"---unfortunately some people think and believe that that don't deserve the best. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. :)

realtalk247 on July 28, 2014:

Love your article. I was also going to add continuous spontaneity may also mean he's married or in a relationship. That sudden invitation could really mean "oh I can get a way for a few hours and hang out" as well as being inconsiderate. Jumping at someone's whim and on their schedule will reveal you ultimately little regard for oneself.

Every once in a while, great. Also in the early stages of dating women need to establish their value and "jumping" when he calls is a mistake and a message that there is most likely no other man pursuing you in your life to be so "eager" to drop everything to be with him.


It's a retraining technique.


You wanna come hang out at the house with me tonight?

No thank you, I already have plans

I'm about to get off of work in 10 minutes, you wanna get together?

Oh I wish you would have called me earlier this week, I can't tonight.

(Wednesday) I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner Saturday night at 7pm?

Yes, that sounds like something to look forward to on Saturday.

We teach people how to treat us.

Stephanie Bailey (author) from Denver on July 28, 2014:

Thank you so much for the Vote Up dashingscorpio! I fully agree with all your comments and points. As always thank you for reading. :)

dashingscorpio from Chicago on July 28, 2014:

Voted up and useful!

After the initial "infatuation phase" in any relationship people would gladly trade these so called "spontaneous dates" for some "planned dates". Predictability and stability help to develop emotional security in a relationship.

If someone always feels like they're "on call" and must be prepared to "jump" at a minute's notice then they are being (controlled). This is often how people end up becoming accidental "booty calls".

More often than not a person who "jumps" each time they get the call is (afraid) of saying "no" because they believe he or she is not going to make time to see them again.

Anytime you believe saying "no" will end the relationship it means you don't feel secure in the relationship. I suspect if it were the other way around where the woman called this guy at the last minute he'd have no problem telling her he can't make it or he has other plans already.

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