My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.
After a break-up and adequate time apart, one can easily misinterpret the intentions of an ex when he reconnects with you. It is a natural reaction to feel a glimmer of hope (when you still have feelings for your ex-boyfriend), that maybe...just maybe, he wants to reconcile—realizing that the time you have spent apart should not be permanent. You have hopes that he finally does see a future with you. But, is he really trying to win you back or are you misconstruing his intentions?
What girl doesn't want to feel as though she is finally having her own romantic comedy moment? That time truly has made his heart grow fonder—opening this delicate organ, and realizing that you are his one and only. When he first reaches out, it can feel this way, but you need to find out what his motives are and if the outcome will be what you want and expect.
Yes, having time apart from each other can make the heart grow fonder. It can also stir up feelings that might not be genuinely real. The ego is tricky, and "the challenge" to get back together with an ex—especially an ex who was the one who ended things, can be the motivating factor in wanting that person back. A break apart can also allow loneliness to creep in—making you think you want the person back, even when you may not.
For many men, these feeling can be all over the place since most men don't process the emotional aspect of a break-up fully—if at all. When a guy can take time to process what went wrong and how he felt after things ended, then yes, he could be working hard to win you back because he really does see a future with you. However, by not having the proper time and emotional release to process, he could actually be wanting you back because of contentment, his wounded ego, loneliness or sex.
There are five major reason why a guy will try to win you back, recognizing the difference is important in order to not get your heart broken again (hopefully).
1. You Are “The One:” For some men, a break-up will trigger a guy to realize that he does miss you enough to want to build a future with you. When this happens, he will do everything in his power to win you back—making you realize that his intentions are sincere. He will erase any and all doubt you may have by working hard to earn your trust back. He will prove that because he knows in his heart and soul, you are the one and the thought of losing you again is not an option. You will be on the top of his priority list and regardless of how "busy" he is or what's going on in his life, he will find ways to see and be with you. Yay! This is the best scenario you could wish for—if you are wanting the same thing. Although this can happen after a break-up, it happens very rarely—at least where his romantic bold intentions actually stick.
2. Contentment: He's getting back together out of comfortability and ease. You already know one another, so for him he views it as less work and effort—he would rather go back to you even if the relationship wasn't great, versus putting himself out there to date and find someone new. This guy tends to be a lazy dater and would rather be in a relationship that's so-so, then none at all. Ladies, in this scenario you need to ask yourself, "Do you really want to settle and be with a guy out of contentment versus passion, true love and overall excitement working to build a future together?" I wouldn't.
3. Wounded Ego: What the ego wants the ego will get. If you were the one who ended the relationship, it can be like a game for him to see if he can win you back. A male's ego—especially when it's wounded can be a dangerous thing. There are many men who don't like to "lose" and therefore will do everything in their power to get you back with the intention of dumping you—once they know they have won the challenge. Or, there is the other side of his tender ego that has been wounded so badly, that all he can do is think about you and getting you back to ease the pain—again, even though he knows in his heart he doesn't see you as his long term choice. Ladies, this can be very confusing for you, since he will usually try very hard—wooing, saying all the things you have been wanting to hear, including owning up to his all of his past mistakes. Beware! Know that adequate time will reveal his true intentions.
4. Loneliness: For many men, time apart will make him think that he wants you back, especially if the break-up occurred close to the holidays, around special events in his life, weddings or trips that were planned together or anything else that had to do with the two of you. This will trigger feelings that he wants to get back together. But, once the holiday or special event has passed, does he still want you for the long haul? Usually not. An ex who comes back into your life around the holidays should have a large Warning Sign. Enjoy the moment, but don't get swept up too quickly. Give it a few months after the holidays/events have passed and see if he's still treating you as though there is a future together.
5. Sex: This is pretty obvious. He misses sex with you. Maybe he has been sleeping around and has realized that the sex you had together was Amazing. Or maybe he is having a hard time getting laid...whichever it is, if you can't separate love from the act of sex, you will continue to experience false hope and mixed emotions by sleeping with him. You will hope that he wants more. He will hope that by dropping you down (several notches) to be his EWB—Ex With Benefits, sex will last until he finds "the one"—with another woman or possible just someone who is willing to deal with his crap. This is bound to be an emotional roller-coaster ride you will not want to repeat—don't proceed or if you do....proceed with extreme caution.
Ladies, if there are still unresolved feelings, what girl doesn't secretly hope that her ex will want—and work hard, to win her back? However, if the break-up occurred because he forced you to end the relationship—you were sick of his lack of effort and/or communication, proceed with caution if he's contacting you again.
Bottom line, most men who are sure about you, wouldn't have let things end to begin with. If for some strange reason he did by "mistake," it's usually because there was something missing. If a guy isn't sure what it was that was missing, this can cause a lot of confusion and potential heart-break for you again. Try hard not get swept up in the moment, especially if you still have feelings for him. Pay attention to his actions and make sure they are consistent for at least four to six months before you believe things have changed for the better. Always remember, a sincere man will not only win your heart back, but also invest all the time it takes to rebuild your trust because he does love you and wants to share a meaningful life together. Now that's a win-win decision for love!
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Stephanie Bailey (author) from Denver on January 28, 2015:
Thank you for the Vote Up dashingscorpio!
Very, very good point, "The real clue is if a guy calls you up out of the blue without even talking about your breakup and asks you if you want to go out. He's basically just "testing the waters". So true. When an ex comes back and isn't trying or open to talking about the break-up, that is a Red Flag!
Thank you for reading and taking time to share your thought....I always enjoy them. :)
Mary RB on January 27, 2015:
Very informative article; very clearly spelled out.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on January 26, 2015:
Voted up and useful!
Hollywood does a great job of presenting breakups that lead to makeups with "happily ever endings". However in reality those few instances where people do get back together usually lead to a (final breakup) once they realize they're (still the same people) they were that led to the initial breakup.
The vast majority of the time getting back together is not getting back together for most men. Sometimes it's a slow period and they scroll their lists of numbers to see if they still "got it".
The real clue is if a guy calls you up out of the blue without even talking about your breakup and asks you if you want to go out. He's basically just "testing the waters". As one old song lyric used to go:
"Once I've been there I can always get back on in no matter how long I've been gone." That's the ultimate ego trip!
Oftentimes it takes a while for a woman to figure out they're not back together. They're just "friends with benefits" or simply a "booty call". You're not "the one" unless he comes back to you with a marriage proposal.
Having said that I saw a young woman on MTV not long ago who stated she'd rather sleep with her exes whenever she's horny until she is sure about establishing a relationship with a "new guy". She stated she does this to "keep her number" of sexual partners down.
I guess there are both men and women who will use their exes until they're ready to be exclusive with someone else.
Your future lies ahead of you and not behind you.