My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.
Some men—usually due to lack of maturity, think it's OK to put you and the relationship you have on a time out—of course when it's convenient for them.
When a guy decides to put you on pause—stepping out of the relationship where he barely calls, texts and doesn't see you—it becomes confusing, frustrating and hurtful, especially if the relationship was going on a great steady pace. Why would he suddenly put in endless effort—having daily communication, going above and beyond to make you feel special, introducing you to his friends and possibly his family—and then think it's OK to cease everything with you because he has "stuff" going on? It's not!
Realize, there is a huge difference between a guy who puts a relationship on pause versus a guy who does a disappearing act. A guy who does the disappearing act will think it's acceptable to step in and out of your life for weeks or months at a time with zero communication until he shows up again. Rude! A guy like this doesn't respect you and definitely doesn't know what he wants. A guy who puts a relationship on pause is immature in his thinking. He gets caught up in his own world and the things he's doing and basically is horrible at juggling more than one thing at a time. He will usually keep very minor communication going until his stuff (which usually lasts a day or so) ends. This behavior usually occurs when:
- Friends you haven't met come into town
- He goes to an event—sporting, charity, friend's birthday, etc.
- He travels out of town—work, vacation, etc.
- Is playing golf, snowboarding/skiing, surfing, biking, etc
- He's with his family
- Boys night out
Seriously? So why does communication have to lessen on an extreme basis? Don't get me wrong, I would never expect a guy to take away from family time, a guys' night out or whatever else he is doing that he deems important, by constantly calling or texting me. However, there is a huge difference between reaching out a few times throughout the day to say hi—even through text, letting me know he's thinking about me, versus all of a sudden being MIA, with a daily text that says, "hey babe."
When you’re dating or in a relationship with a guy, it doesn't feel good when he normally has no problem picking up the phone or calling back within an hour or two, but then, when his friends visit, for some reason he can't possibly pick up the phone or call back. Ladies, this is a choice he's making—and one that is not very good for you.
Having a guy step out of the relationship—putting you on pause by having very little to no communication, doesn't feel good. This behavior makes you feel unimportant and makes you question if something else (or someone) is going on. No woman wants to feel excited about a guy who seems all in, until the moment he heads out of town or has friends visiting, and then steps out. Ouch!
Since his intentions are usually not meant to be hurtful, he will keep some communication going. It will be very short and somewhat sweet, "Hi baby" But, when you respond back—right away, he won't reply. If you ask him a question...nothing. When he does decide to finally text back, it will be with another lame, "Hi baby,"—usually twenty-four hours later, and never acknowledges the last text you sent. Hmmmm....did he not like the sexy photo you sent? Does he not miss you? Is he sleeping with someone else? When you do decide to call—to make sure everything is ok, he won't pick up or call back until whatever has been preoccupying his time ends—this could potentially be days later.
Since the pause is only beneficial to him, he will think that his actions are justified because there is no way he could have possibly found time to respond back to your text—something that takes less than 30 seconds. Interesting, since whenever you are together he always has his phone out and responds to other people, but when he's doing his own thing without you, his phone suddenly doesn't work?
It's hard to build trust with a guy who thinks it’s Ok to stop communication whenever he feels like it.
Men who put you on pause are usually clueless to how this makes you feel. Again, immaturity. Because of this, when the pause has ended, they will jump right back in as if nothing has changed. Seriously?! This is frustrating. While you are stewing mad, he is excited to share a story about how his "time" without you was. And all you want to do is give him a piece of your mind. Wait.
There are many times that men who have the habit of putting a relationship on pause do so because other women before you have said nothing, even when this has been an issue for them, making a guy think that putting a woman on pause is fine. Why should they change something they have been doing that has been working for them in their mind?
Lack of communication benefits no one and doesn't help to create a successful relationship. I repeat...lack of communication benefits No One.
Before communicating your concerns, take a deep breath. Men don't listen to yelling. Decide what form of communication works best to get your point across—all men are different, so what might have worked in your last relationship might not work in the current one. Talk to a trusted girlfriend, family member or therapist first to help give you some clarity as to what to say.
4 Ways to Get Your Point Across:
1. Direct—being very clear while maintaining calmness that his actions were not acceptable to you.
2. Silence—giving him a "time-out" for a day or two or possibly several, indicating that his pause from you was not cool. Once the time out is over, express why it occurred.
3. Sarcasm—approaching the situation with a bit of slanted humor, "I didn't realize that cell phones didn't work at (wherever he was)?"
4. Example—if you have plans to go out of town in the near future or are having a girls night out with your friends or family, don't respond or reach out to him until the next day. When he questions this, let him know that you were following his example.
Ladies, there are many men who are clueless to how their actions might affect you. Communicate, communicate…communicate. If he does care about you he will listen and change what isn't working. However, if he listens and doesn't change a thing, that is his way of letting you know that he is set in his ways and it's time for you to stop pausing your life for the wrong relationship and move forward!
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MaryRB on April 20, 2015:
Of the four points mentioned, I think Point #1 is the most effective and shows the most maturity in a relationship. But what do I know since I am not in the dating world.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on April 20, 2015:
"A guy like this doesn't respect you and definitely doesn't know what he wants." This is a very common statement that women make.
I've yet to hear any man tell his male friends that he doesn't know what he wants when it comes to women he is involved with.
Women tend to come up with excuses or reasons for men in order to give themselves permission to stay in unsatisfying relationships. In some instances it's her girlfriends who chime in with "possible reasons" or exuses for why he's not getting back to her.
If a woman knows what (she) wants and she's Not Getting it; what does it say about her when she continues to remain in the relationship?
A lot of women secretly enjoy solving puzzles or trying to figure out (why) a man is behaving a certain way or saying certain things.
Women would be surprised at how few men ever try to "decode hidden meanings" of their words and behavior. I've yet to hear a guy ask a friend; "What do you think she (really) meant when she said...?" or "What does it mean when a woman does or won't...?"
Whether you're a woman or a man only you can put yourself in "limbo" or on "pause" in relationship. If someone is "into you" they will treat you one way and if they're not they'll treat you another way. These are clues!
It's one's choice to "hang in there" that puts them on pause.
"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."
- Oscar Wilde
Anytime someone says; "I'm not sure what I want."
They're telling you: "I don't believe (you) are "the one"!