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Online Dating and Ghosting

Linda (Kaywood) Bilyeu is a self-published author. Her books are available on Amazon. She writes from the heart—there is no other way.

To Date Online or Not

I recently gave in to peer pressure and tried online dating. My friends were very persistent and set up my Bumble account. I playfully swiped left and right. I was not seriously into it, but I was having fun reading the bios and looking at the photos. I never expected what happened next.

I am not looking for a long-term relationship. I've been married twice. I am good with my life the way it is, but when one gentleman and I connected I thought, "what the heck!"

I firmly believe that 'If it's meant to happen, it'll happen. If it's not, then it won't.' Why shop via random bios and photos when chances are the person of your dreams could be right around the corner. Or across the country. Either way be patient. Or give online dating a try. It's not for everyone, but it's at least worth a shot.


My Week of Online Dating

My one and only attempt with online dating was via Bumble. With Bumble the women have control over who they connect with. Women swiped left if they aren't interested in a guy. They swipe right if they are interested. If there is a match, the two communicate via messages. One day I decided to have a bit of fun and did some swiping. I made a few connections. One guy in particular caught my attention. What the heck do I do now? He's 6'5 and I am 5'1. He could toss me over his shoulder! That was my first message to him and we instantly connected.

We messaged for a few days. Then texted. Then spoke. Then met. He was a nice guy, just VERY tall or I was VERY short. Yet we were attracted to each other.


The Adventure Began

The next day he invited me to Hard Rock Live for a company event. He picked me up in his corvette, which is the first time I've ever been in one. He met my grandchildren and daughter and they seemed to like him. He opened my car door. He was a true gentleman.

Walking through City Walk he made sure he didn't lose me within the crowd of Universal visitors. He introduced me to a few co-workers. We had a great night. We then decided to make plans for the weekend.

During our conversations he often dropped hints about a long term relationship. Whoa cowboy, slow down! I have been perfectly content with my single lifestyle. Up until a few days ago I had no intention of becoming a duo. Now I am in a compromising position referred to as "dating!" I began to get a bit nervous about having to give up my single life that I have become accustomed to. But meanwhile I reminded myself of my motto, 'If it's meant to happen, it'll happen. If it's not, then it won't.' So, I continued on with my week of Bumble Bliss.

Third Date Is a Charm

On Saturday he picked me up. Once again met my family. Once again opened the car door for me. Once again he was the perfect gentleman. We headed out to the coast and talked a lot. We got to know more about each other. He was a very interesting person. A creature of habit. Passionate about his work. Compassionate about people. Thoughtful. Considerate. Kind to others. This man was a great catch. I continued to go with the flow.

We had an amazing weekend. I introduced him to friends on the coast. Enjoyed a nice dinner. Talked. Laughed. Treated me like a princess. He then brought me back home. The next day he ghosted. He what??? I've never been ghosted!

I wasn't sure how to deal with this matter so I asked Siri. Her response was, 'Interesting question, Linda. Here are some articles to read.' Even Siri was perplexed.


To Ghost or Not to Ghost

My first attempt at online dating ended with a ghosting. Ghosting occurs when there is no communication at all. This could happen after one date or several. I sent him a text thanking him for a nice weekend. No response. The next day I sent another text asking if he was OK. No response. WOW. Because he was such a gentleman he was the last person I would ever expect to ghost, yet he did.

But what he will never know is that he didn't just ghost me. He ghosted my family and friends who liked him. He ghosted many of my single lady friends who began to have hope that there were actually good men out there and that they could hopefully find one. Yet now their hopes are once again diminished. That makes me upset for them. Yet I will give them hope again because good guys that don't ghost must exist.

Ghosting is immature and cowardly. To ghost someone instead of simply saying "I'm not interested" is cruel. One is left to wonder what the heck happened. It's a blow to their self-esteem, yet ghosting is becoming more common due to lack of proper communication. Yet, our communication was spot on!

I am a firm believer that real men and women do not ghost. They take the time to properly explain what went wrong. They come to a mutual agreement on why a relationship wouldn't work for them. Possibly a friendship could have lasted a lot longer than a relationship. Real men believe that by communicating they are setting a good precedent to others and hopefully ghosting will begin to diminish.

To those who have been ghosted, try not to take it personal. Chances are you didn't do anything wrong. The ghost just lacked the courage to notify you that you both weren't compatible. Don't allow one person's issues to become your issues. While being ghosted can't be prevented, use caution while moving forward. Add "Ghosters Need Not Apply" to your online dating bios.

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So guys, please take my advice into consideration. Be a real man and do not leave a woman wondering. Ladies, please do the same to the men. This is how we learn lessons along life's journey. Trust is a crucial factor and you want to know that when you encounter the next possible companion you don't have to worry about being ghosted.


I heard from him. He hasn't been feeling well and needed to focus on his health. He apologized for ghosting. We agreed that my high energy doesn't blend with his laid back lifestyle, but he also enjoyed our Bumble Bliss.

It's all good. not ghost. It's not cool.

In Conclusion

While I appreciate and did enjoy my one week of Bumble Bliss I have decided that I am going back to not being a fan of online dating.

I will no longer surrender to peer pressure and attempt to try it again. Once was more than enough for me. Always go with your gut feeling.

UPDATE: I am not quite done with online dating. I just moved on to another site. I met a nice fellow and we had a nice lunch the other day and he didn't ghost! I jokingly told him that I might ghost him! We shared many laughs and might see each other again or not. Time will tell.

If it's meant to happen, it'll happen.

If it's not, then it won't.

© 2018 Linda Bilyeu


Marie on August 20, 2019:

I think i was ghosted, i met this guy in one online dating site snd my very first to try i find him nice and really interesting as we have lots of things in common we have been chatting since then every single days and day and night sometimes lasted for couples of hours, I actually falling to him but i am not ready for exclusivities and i can also sense it from his side but i notice once he’s out of station i will never hear from him in spite of the fact he will inform me that he will be away. It happened in to consecutive occasions that he’s out of town and no txt from his side, i fo not ask why because o know were just friends and no commitment, but I find it strange somehow. I know he likes me a lot because he won’t spend almost three months chatting with me every single days, and we we talked before will take things easy, until one day which is just very recent that i did not hear from him at all, he supposedly visiting he’s children in another state the last time we were chatting and things were fine during our conversation and I prepare myself that I won’t be hearing from him again for another three days, but after the third days i did not hear from him at all, I message him simply saying thats I just hope things are ok with him, i just don’t understand. How can someone fo like this, from the start we agreed that when it happened we dated someone or meet someone will be telling each other! Im a filipina based in uae and he’s from usa. Its really frustrating. Why they cant be transparent???

Queenbee on December 29, 2018:

I've been ghosted! 2 times! It's a horrible feeling. I'll tell you story: I matched with a guy back in july. He seemed very nice,honest ,well raised as he said

Vince on November 27, 2018:

You had a very typical online dating experience.

The problem with online dating, is that we spend so much energy messaging, setting up the date, and then dealing with the hard fade after one date.

It doesn't leave room for us to recognize the love that's already in our lives, or room for people to come into our lives via another avenue.

Suzie from Carson City on March 19, 2018:

SPAM??!! Yes, how DARE they! They must have misunderstood SFAM!! LOLOLOLOLO

Linda Bilyeu (author) from Orlando, FL on March 19, 2018:

Thanks Susan!

Linda Bilyeu (author) from Orlando, FL on March 19, 2018:

Hey Effer, I found your message in Spam! How dare they! Haha!! Love you!!

Suzie from Carson City on March 18, 2018:

GF.....Hmmmm? I'm confused. I know I sent a comment days ago. Did you not receive it? I can comment again if you never received it!! Talk to me...LOL

Susan Zutautas from Ontario, Canada on March 18, 2018:

Wow! I learned something new here today; Ghosting. Guess I'm getting old and not as with it as I used to be .... lol. All I can say is you'll find someone when you least expect to.

Peggy Woods from Houston, Texas on March 18, 2018:

I had never heard the term ghosting with regard to online dating. I agree with you that it is "not cool." It is also rude. Glad he finally got back to you with an explanation.

Linda Bilyeu (author) from Orlando, FL on March 15, 2018:

Yes, Martie - write that manual!

Suzie from Carson City on March 14, 2018:

Yo,,,sexy mama. Pour yourself a soda, make ole Effer here, some coffee & pull up a chair. We need to TAWK, sweetie. I will 1st, confess to never having gotten into "online dating." The closest I've come to that would be to have been intentionally introduced to someone by a friend (who obviously thought she was Miss Cupid) as she encouraged me to just "go out with him once and see how it works out." I recall asking her, "How WHAT works out? Do I look lonely or bored to you, because believe me, I'm neither." Oh, but like you GF, I folded under pressure & I went out with "him." He was nice enough, I suppose. Well-spoken, well-mannered & easy on the eyes. The date went well. No bells, no sparks, none of that High School fluttering. I'll spare you further details.

When he asked me if he could see me again, your friend, Miss-Painfully-honest-cut-to-the-chase, gently suggested he give me a little time to think about it and call me in a few days. I used those few days to contact my good buddy F.B.I. agent. Oh Lordy, the ghost of Amber Frey! This guy was very married and had 5 kids. I let my "former" friend know what I had learned & told her if she knew, do not admit it, so I don't have to hate her. Of course I would never rudely "ghost" anyone. When he called, I told him I was somewhat uneasy about how his wife would feel if we went out again..........Bzzzzzzzz--Oh MY, he must have accidentally dropped the phone. LOLOLOLO Damned sneaky-ass scum bucket.

Like you say, GF, if something is meant to be it will be...if not, it won't be. You are beautiful, bright, personable and bubbly. One day when you least expect it, a two-way connection will CLICK like magic and the rest will fall right into place. You're the complete package. When Mr.-Just-Right-for-you finds you, he'll make sure it's Special delivery!! Hugs, Effer

Martie Coetser from South Africa on March 14, 2018:

Is that what you call 'dying in Cyber Space'? - Ghosting? Mmm, the guy is in for adventure. But maybe he died in a car crash. Who's going to let you know?

Well, I have had the most interesting online dates, even got myself a con-artist who has given me a free crash course in personality disorders. And so I finally decided to connect online ONLY with men who live in my region. (No longer willing to suffer the frustration caused by distance.) I also ended online chatting (because one falls in love with an image that's been created by one's own idea of a stranger!) So, via connecting online, and meeting in person in a restaurant or bar, I managed to hit the jackpot with Nr 8. After 6 years we are still happy, but also still independent, living in our separate homes and having only fun together. I think I should write a manual about online dating. He-he!

dashingscorpio from Chicago on March 14, 2018:

First and foremost "ghosting" is nothing new.

Since the dawn of mankind people have experienced rejection in numerous ways including giving someone the "wrong phone number", screening their calls to avoid them, blocking emails, and phone numbers while all the while telling their friends:

"I wonder how long it will take for him/her to finally get the hint!"

"I am a firm believer that “real” men and women do not ghost."

Unless a woman is pretending to be a man or vice versa everyone you come across is a "real" man or woman.

"Ghosting is immature and cowardly."

Dumping someone has always been at the "comfort level" of the person doing the dumping. We have no say in "how", "when", or "why". This is true whether it's the end of relationship or being fired from a job. That's life! It's our (ego) that makes us harp on it.

"But what he will never know is that he didn't just ghost me. He ghosted my family and friends who liked him." That was your mistake. Many people would say you moved too quickly introducing him to family and friends. The same could also be said of him as well. Nevertheless it's usually a good idea not introduce people you're dating to your "inner circle" for about three months or so which gives you some time to figure out where things are heading.

Secondly it's especially important to remember until there has been an "emotional investment" from both sides or an agreement to become "exclusive" it is best to assume he/she is dating others!

When it comes to online dating a lot of people don't feel the need to have a "closure" discussion with someone they've only gone out with two or three times. In their eyes it's not as if they were in a committed relationship.Truthfully these days you'd be surprised at how many of these "ghosters" will label (you) as a "stalker" for attempting to reach them several times because you haven't heard from them!

They'll tell their friends: "I went out with this woman/guy two or three times and now they keep (blowing up my phone) and texting me."

If someone doesn't call/text/email you they don't want to talk to you. After leaving one message if you don't hear back from them let it go. Also when it comes to online dating one should be dating multiple people until they have found someone they want to get serious with. Imagine your profile being a "want ad" and everyone else's being a "resume". If you were a company looking to fill a position you wouldn't contact everyone who sends you a resume. There would be a "screening process" complete with various milestones before deciding to have a face to face interview. You'd also be evaluating multiple candidates in search for finding the "right one".

A common mistake too many people make is moving too quickly to meet people in person, not researching websites/reading reviews, or only focusing on one person. It's the equivalent of being unemployed and only sending out your resume to (one company) waiting to see if they will hire you before sending out another resume to different company. This strategy causes one to be too emotionally invested.

"Add "Ghosters Need Not Apply" to your online dating bios." LOL!

1. It's not as if people pre-plan not wanting to ever see people.

2. If someone is {attracted to you} they don't care what you write!

"No liars, no cheaters, or no players..."

Imagine a "player" saw you and thought you were "hot" and read the aforementioned statement in your bio: Do you really think he's going to say: "Aw snap! She ain't got no love for the players! I guess I had better move on to the next profile..." Seriously???

How many bios do you believe state "Ghosters" "Cheaters", Liars, and "Players" are welcome to contact me. NONE!

Therefore it's kind of pointless to list traits you (don't) want.

Online dating is nothing more than a "tool" for meeting (new people). Everyone is responsible for having their own mate selection criteria and "must haves list". Nothing happens until (you) say "yes".

Much like a fork is tool for eating. It can be used to eat a garden salad or a slice of double fudge chocolate cake. However no obese person would ever blame their (fork) for their weight gain!

And yet there are many people who will blame the whole online dating industry for bad dates they had with people (they) chose to go out with.

In a world with over 7 Billion people rejection just means: NEXT!

mckbirdbks from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas on March 14, 2018:

Hello Linda - I have made a note. No ghosting. Life experiences can be so trying. As you said, 'If it is meant to be....."

FlourishAnyway from USA on March 13, 2018:

Linda, I’m glad there was an explanation but that must’ve been some illness not to be able to text back at all. I had net heard of the term. It all just seems so cruel.

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