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Ignoring people - a defense mechanism

Image by Stuart Miles @

Image by Stuart Miles @

Ignoring people is a defense mechanism

Manners in which we behave or think in order to protect or defend ourselves are being called “defense mechanisms".

Psychologists have identified many human defense mechanisms. The most primitive and instinctive mechanism is DENIAL.

Denial is -

  • The act of refusing to comply.
  • The act of asserting that something alleged is not true.
  • Renunciation of your own interests in favor of the interests of others.
  • (law) a defendant's answer or plea denying the truth of the charges against him.
  • In psychiatry denial is a defense mechanism that denies painful thoughts.

In other words, by ignoring another person or people we refuse to acknowledge a problem we are supposed to deal with, whether this problem is within our own self-esteem or in the doings and character of others.

Will the act of ignoring solve any problems?

By ignoring another person we are merely postponing a resolution to a problem.

In a specific situation this could be the wiser thing to do, giving time the opportunity to chill explosive temperaments and for all involved to do essential introspection. But in another situations ignoring a person may aggravate the problem.

By intentionally ignoring another person we obtain

a false and passing feeling of control and superiority.

When is ignoring another person not acceptable?

The act of ignoring other people will be unacceptable, or at least very difficult to tolerate, when it is rooted in our incompetence to negotiate a compromise and to arrive at an agreement that will solve, or at least minimize, our problem(s). Tactical ignoring, when we ignore for example a child busy demonstrating their anger and frustration with a tantrum, we are in fact denying the child's problem of incompetence and postponing the resolving of it.

Ignoring another person or people will also be unacceptable when it is the result of our insensitivity to the expectations and feelings of others.

Sheer rudeness is surely the most unacceptable. When we ignore a person with the intention to humiliate and hurt them, we don't exhibit kindness and compassion. Rudeness only provokes contempt and disrespect. No well-bred person with dignity can be happy and contented while being held in contempt.

By ignoring another person we may provoke the following reactions -

  • Discontentment and anger.
  • Hate.
  • Disrespect.
  • Disloyal behavior.
  • Deceit.

Is ignoring another person completely wrong?

In order to practice the motto 'live and let live', we are often compelled to ignore a specific person or a group of people. By ignoring them we deny or accept our personal problem, which is an incompetence to tolerate the actions of those person/people. We may see our act (ignoring) as our way of bearing ourselves with dignity and of keeping the peace.

What to do when we are being ignored

When we find ourselves in a situation where we are being ignored, we have two options -

  • We can participate in the ignore-game and hope for the best. Time may either solve the problem, or worsen it.
  • We can initiate the solving of the problem. "Why do you ignore me?" is a simple question one may ask verbally or in writing. The answer will be the next step towards the arrival of an agreement.

Why People Choose to Ignore Others


© Martie Coetser

Copyright :: All Rights Reserved
Registered :: 2012-08-12 08:36:19

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Updated: 2015-09-11

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Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on December 19, 2014:

Dear Mary, that poem of yours has touched my heart. I could relate. Please send me the link when you publish it again. Merry Christmas to you, too, my friend. May the New Year meet all your expectations :)

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on December 19, 2014:

Hi Peg, I was ranting (in pain) when I wrote this, so I should have another look at it. Unpublish it with all these heart-touching comments will be so terribly wrong. I have grown so much, completely out of my box, thanks to all my wonderful online friends, including you. Even while some of them are no longer in HP, they are still around - like family. Thank you for being one of my friends :)

Mary Hyatt from Florida on December 19, 2014:

I'm sorry I caused you to have a broken link to my poem about losing a friend. I unpublished the poem here so I could post it on Bubblews. I deleted the poem from there because I have not been paid, and I think they are a scam. I do not want my name associated with them. I will probably republish the poem here soon.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, Mary

Peg Cole from North Dallas, Texas on December 19, 2014:

So many deeply emotional concepts, thoughts and comments here, somewhat therapeutic and worthy of reading again. Deep, deep, deep. "A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets" as we each hold within ourselves the pain and hurt we are unable to express fully. Loved this article, Martie, and all the supportive comments from friends who care.

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on December 19, 2014:

Hi, Caroline, nice to see you in my corner. I have to read this article again in order to remember why I have chosen the topic. For some reason I hurt tremendously when being ignored. When I was a baby I cried a lot due to painful treatment and operations on my feet, and parents of those days did not believe in spoiling a baby by keeping them in their arms all day long, or by jumping and dancing to the tune of each and every cry. I was also married to a man who had practiced the technique of ignoring others to his own benefit for 20 yrs, so, I guess, I am hypersensitive when being ignored. Not as much as I was when I were younger, but still sensitive. Maybe I have already mentioned this. I better read this hub again. Blessings to you, too :)

CarolineVABC on December 18, 2014:

Wow, I agree with some of the commenters here that this is such a "thought-provoking" article, MartieCoetser! Thank you for sharing! I apologize for not commenting a lot sooner. I have not been actively involved in HubPages for a long time, and just now starting to come back again :-).

Also, I appreciate you plugging in one of my related articles, "Why People Choose to Ignore Others!" Thanks for writing this article. Keep at it. God bless!

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on May 04, 2014:

Of course, wiii, I, too, ignore the back-stabbers and assholes in my world. But when they address me, I will not ignore them, but respond in the most polite manner. If that means saying, "Forgive me, but I think you are a jerk and I have nothing to say to jerks," so be it.

I mean, how would you have felt if I had ignored this comments of yours? Oh, I know there are people out there who don't give a damn whether they are being heard or not when they speak their mind, but I am not one of them. When I speak, I need a respond, or else I will feel like a zero on a turd.

Sorry for replying 15 hours after you have posted this comment; I was off-line due to obligations in real life.

Take care!

wi on May 03, 2014:

To me it has become a sickness with no cure. A mental illness. Not only did I loose any contact in my life. It hit me where it hurts the most I feel distance from my family I feel alone in this world. I wanted to cure myself because I know there's no such medication for being fucked up inside. I wanted to be at peace with everyone near me and leave all the negatively for ppl far away from me. I planned and planned and wanted this change so bad. I feel that it's too late for me to undo harm if only I could travel back in time. I'm Charing this because if anyone reads this and are the same way I am with the ignoring please change it before it is too late

wiii on May 03, 2014:

I don't agree with this article I'm one of those person that ignores people. I'm the type that's blind when it comes to emotions. Ok so I like you as a friend. I'm the type that trust people if I like them. Ok I trust anonymous so I tell anonymous I got a good idea. I'll get to the point I trust you and I find out you been having different views about me or talking behind my back or faking on me or snitch on me ect. I'm going to ignore you period fucking period

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on June 29, 2013:

yup, some of us have brains and hearts, while others, like you, have only brains. Thanks for reminding me that what others think of me is none of my business.

yup on June 29, 2013:

At first I thought there was something to this but it is loaded with Marxist types of philosophies. It is bunk garbage. If someone ignores you and you are uptight about it, it is something to work through. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with them, even it there is. There is a book titled something like, "what you think of me is none of my business". Once we step into feelings and what do you think about something, then you miss the importance and value of right and wrong. Nobody wants to address the latter.

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on September 16, 2012:

DMVmimay, thank you for your comment. HubPages automatic detector sent it to my spam-folder. I've just retrieved it.

DMVmimay on August 28, 2012:

yeah! .. it is the easy way to insult people... LOLZ .... you did a great job!

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 26, 2012:

Alice, my heart goes out to you. It is hard to let go, so hard to bury the dead. It is obvious that the man you loved - and still love - have no longer a need to stay in touch with you. Just let him go. Move on. Life is way too short to hold on to sick, dying and dead relationships. Believe me, once you focus on your future and a new goal, you will experience freedom and joy, and you will even blame yourself because you've wasted so much time mourning the 'could have been'. I wish you all of the best :)

Allison Elizabeth Pinder from Reston, Virginia on August 26, 2012:

Thank you so much for writing this. I am currently dealing with this from my ex boyfriend of 5 years. He called off out wedding a few years ago because he did not get his families approval to marry me. Because I did not make enough money or was famcy enough to be apart of their family. He will email once every 3-4 months now but when I write etc he just ignores me. We hav ebeen friends for 12 years and he decided to go to arragant and hurtful way.Thank you for writing this again.

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 25, 2012:

My dear friend, Sunnie Day, I never got the faintest idea that YOU were ignoring me, because your actions always prove your sincere love and respect for others. There are never signs of self-centeredness and selfishness and/or obvious contempt for others in your doings online, and according to your hubs and FB-activities, definitely not in real life.

In this hub I've specifically referred to that nasty tendency of ignoring others so obviously noticeable in egoists of all grades. Their own issues and problems, likes and dislikes, intentions, agendas, objectives, missions and actions, are like walls around them. They are not even able to realize the pain they are causing others while they are living according to them in accordance with the rules and etiquette of society. They are the kind with the motto, "Don't stick your nose in my business and I will not stick my nose in your business." They are the kind who will answer your question 'How are you?' and/or warnings such as 'Be careful, you are overstepping boundaries and the results may be fatal' with 'WTF, my well-being has nothing to do with you. Keep your nose out of my business.' Their attitude has tags like 'arrogant', 'unreliable', 'disloyal', 'smooth-operator'...... and let me rather not go on, as I am busy to recall too many painful memories.

I am glad you are back, Kim. I can also say to you, "If seeking kindred souls online was digging for diamonds, I have found a fortune in you."

Thank you so much for your profound and relevant comment:)

Sunnie Day on August 25, 2012:

Hi Martie,

So happy to be back on hubs and pray nothing else life altering pulls me away but for now I am enjoying catching up. This one really hit home. When mom was so sick, I felt like a hawk, scooping in and out, quick messages, but not really being present with friends, I felt slightly like I was ignoring them but I did not mean too. Being ignored does hurt so much. It is like a slap in the face. It is different when we are busy, trying to take care of things but is always nice to step in and say hello letting others know we care. There is that blatant disregard as if we do not matter and when it is from close friends or family members, we may no idea what happened..We may reach out over and over but in the end we grow weary too. I hope I never cause someone to feel this way..if I have I would be most humble and apologize over and over...but some do not care who they hurt or how they come off and for them it is a sad way to live life. You said it all when you said.."I believe we should simply be our own true selves while always considering others."

Love and hugs


Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 19, 2012:

Sueswan, I regard the MBTI as one of the best. So true, introverts may acquire all the skills needed to perform like any extrovert, and vice versa - though internal 'drives' will not change. Many professional comedians are introverts. I believe we should simply be our own true selves while always considering others. We should allow others to be happy and contented, just as much as we would like to be happy and contented. Take care, Sueswan. Have a lovely Monday!

Sueswan on August 19, 2012:

Hi Martie,

This introverted Aries knows how to express her self but it takes me longer than an extrovert. A person doesn't decide to be an introvert or an extrovert. Same goes for an extrovert. Even if an introvert learns to come out of their shell they will always truly be an introvert. I know this cause a former colleague of mine was a graduate and taught workshops on the Myers Briggs Type Indicator and also Majors PTI (Personality Type Indicator)

I agree we should accept that we are all different. In fact, I think we can learn from our differences.

Take care :)

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 19, 2012:

Hi dear Joseph and kie, so true, our thoughts/words are certainly of our most precious private possessions. Nobody may force them out of us. Personally I am too eager to share mine, therefor I am so often in deep sh@t. Yes, most people I know love me, but I know of a few hating me and even of a few fearing me. But what can I do but be only me? Of course, I, too, am compelled to ignore many, but honestly not because I am crude - I simply don't have the time to react on everything I see/hear/read. I have to keep my priorities in line or I will surely lose my mind.

Always good to see you in my corner, Lord De Cross! I will never be able again to look at Charlize without thinking of you :) But she is beautiful, so I don't blame you for loving her more than you love me... lol!

Joseph De Cross from New York on August 19, 2012:

Hi Martie,

Was meant to comment 4 days ago, and read other hubbers. The issues of ignoring with ignorance cdan lead to so many contradictions and tug of wars. We know we cannot have other people's minds and opinions. I was surprised to know that certain group is here to cause harm. We do not wish them bad, but rather keep them away from our thoughts. You are a team player Martie and we know you are like a sister along with Maria. We admire your writing and your courage. Still waiting for Charlize! You have a wonderful weekend! Thanks!

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 18, 2012:

roc6, thank you for reading and posting such a relevant comment. So true! I love my relatives and friends dearly, but I don't speak to them all the time. I even see many-many of them daily on my Facebook without 'speaking' to them, simply because I have nothing to say to them except 'I am fine and how are you?'. Just seeing them, just knowing they are out there, is enough. No news is good news. I will certainly not ignore them when I realize they need a word or two from me.

There is 'ignoring' and 'ignoring'. Ignoring someone addressing you, is crude.

Rosemary Cole from Cape Town, South Africa on August 18, 2012:

Sometimes we move on in life and its just that you really don't have anything in common with friends and certain family members, not that you are simply ignoring them. Thank You for an insightful hub MartieCoetser.

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 18, 2012:

rajan jolly, 'ignoring' is certainly a negative action - the best we can achieve with this, is postponing a bad/sad incident/event. Of course, the best way is to tackle the issue with the concerned person, but only when the game is worth the candle. In some relationships, and even in some situations, the only and best solution is 'get over it and move on'.

Thank you for your votes, Rajan, and for sharing this hub of mine. I hope you are having a great weekend :)

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 18, 2012:

rcrumple, thank you so much for your kind and inspiring compliment. Much appreciated! Is it not amazing how we judge people by appearances? I remember the time in business with my now ex-husband. He was the owner of the shop, the salesman and technician, but dressed like one on a holiday with no concern at all. I was the bookkeeper and administrator, dressed like a professional businesswoman. Customers ALWAYS addressed me first, ignoring my husband flat-out. Believe me, my embarrassment had no end and I could not see my way open to solve the problem by lowering myself to my husband's way of being a respectable image in public. So this is another controversial issue, don't you agree?

Thank you for your thought-provoking comment :)

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 18, 2012:

Sueswan, thank you so much for your insightful comment. Your sentence - 'If you want to know how an introvert feels you have to ask them' - refreshed some of my memories -

Most of the introverts I know are stuck in their own thoughts and perceptions. Because they don't discuss them with others, they don't obtain the necessary enlightenment and broader perspective. It become a sticky mess in their minds, preventing them more and more to share their thoughts. Eventually they die in the darkness of stubborn ignorance. If you ask them how they feel, they cannot find words to express their feelings, due to their tendency to be quiet. Expressing thoughts with words, the correct words, is a practice like any other practice - the more you do it, the better you can do it. Practice makes perfect. So, to be honest, for them ignoring others is the best method of self-protection, as they might get stoned by insensitive, crude extroverts.

Such a tricky topic! I believe we should just accept each other for what/who we are. Live and let live...

Thanks so much for the votes and enjoy your weekend too :)

Rajan Singh Jolly from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar, INDIA. on August 17, 2012:

Very analytical hub Martie. Whatever be the cause of ignoring others or getting ignored by others, one thing is for sure - it affects both the giver and the receiver a lot of heartburn, emotional turmoil and a lot of negative feelings. The best way is to take the bull by its horns and tackle it head on, with the concerned person. Though the result could go either way, making or breaking the relationship it ensures the negative feelings are put to a full stop.

Great hub.

Voted up, useful & awesome. Sharing it.

Rich from Kentucky on August 17, 2012:

Martie -

I wanted to compliment you on this hub. It's is exceptionally well done in all aspects of organization, viewpoint and information. And, that's not just "kissing up" to you either. This is good stuff.

I once took an employee to lunch on my off day. I was dressed in a T-shirt and hoody (God forbid) and he in a suit. The waitress did her best to ignore me while sucking up to my employee. In fact, she was basically very rude. When she came with the check, she started handing it to him. I grabbed it and said, "Never prejudge a person because of their dress. You catered to the wrong person today, and your tip will show it, if you get one at all." Normally, I tip very well. For her, one dollar. There is revenge/vindictiveness in all of us for times we are ignored. Sometimes, we actually get to sate it's appetite.

Sueswan on August 17, 2012:

Hi Martie,

If a person is deliberately ignoring someone, I would ask, are they worth the time and energy. I am an introvert . Years ago, I had a friend, who hurt me deeply. He kept up bringing up an incident that happened with another friend. I told him how I felt but he continued to ignore my feelings. Well one day, I was having dinner with him and he started again, remember when you blah blah blah. Without saying a word, I got up and left. When I got home, there was an e-mail waiting for me. I did not even read it, I just deleted it. I sent him a e-mail the next day, I can't remember everything I said but all my hurt and anger was in it. I mentioned how I told him how humiliating the incident was to me but that he chose to ignore me and I would never treat him or anybody that way. I never heard from him again. Did I try to call him? No. So I guess I am a coward.

Extrovert -and Introverts. You don't have to ask an extrovert how they are feeling because if it is on the tip of their tongue they have to say it.

If you want to know how an introvert feels you have to ask them.

Voted up and awesome

Take care and have a good weekend :)

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 16, 2012:

CrazedNovelist, of course, my mother always say, 'Say nothing then there is nothing"

I never listened to my dear, wise mother and I still don't! I am very aware of the fact that by expressing my thoughts, I am giving others power beyond my control. So most of the time I regret sharing my thoughts. Unfortunately, sadly, I am extremely impulsive; I react instinctively, like a smoldering fire on oil, air, sand, water.....

Thank you so much for your insightful comment, Aubrey :)

Thank you

AE Williams from Atlanta, GA on August 15, 2012:

Wow, I never thought of it like that before, Martie. It's pretty awesome that you chose a topic that is rarely/never chosen and put your words into it. Ignoring is definitely a peace-keeping mechanism and can definitely make a person feel powerful. Great work!!


Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 14, 2012:

Hi drbj, thanks for the lovely Eleanor Roosevelt quotes, so applicable. It's but only tripping over my own ego. Although conquered, it is still alive, protecting poor little me and her super-smart image, you know...

Thank you so much for clicking in for the read and for your lovely supportive comment :)

drbj and sherry from south Florida on August 14, 2012:

You have several future hubs worth of material here, Martie, from your many warm and caring commenters. I deeply regret any discomfort you may have had that provoked your writing this hub, but keep in mind these two wonderful quotes by Eleanor Roosevelt:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." and "Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized any way."

She - like Scarlett - knew what she was talking about.

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 14, 2012:

Oh, Curiad, some people have no idea how to be grateful. They just can't show appreciation. In fact, they don't even understand the concept of appreciation. I have learned the hurtful hard way not to give to others what they cannot appreciate unless they ask me, and even then, I will be extremely stingy. But at the same time I still give much too much of myself (and my talents) to people taking me for granted and even to people who despise me for who/what I am.

Oh well, if I have to use the actions and reactions of others as a measure allowing me to be or not to be, I would be a zero on a cake of bullsh@t. I can but only be what/who I am, and I do this with all my body, heart and soul. And sorry, but I must add: and to hell with those who cannot handle me.

Take care, Curiad. I'll catch up reading in your corner asap.

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 14, 2012:

Trinity M ~ I have a problem with that saying, 'we all reap what we sow'.... WTH, I ask you, have I sown to reap insultingly being ignored? I've stopped using this particular expression a long time ago, because if I take it to heart, I must believe that I've sown a lot of s@%t during a previous life.

But I know what you mean....

Thank you so much for reading and commenting :)

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 14, 2012:

Hi midget38, I am so glad you clicked in for the read. I do hope this hub and comments open some shut eyes and narrow minds. Thank you so much for sharing :)

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 14, 2012:

mary615 ~ Amen on your entire comment. Unfortunately I/we don't have enough time to interact with everybody and all, but there is a difference between living 'in silence (and harmony) with each other, not talking directly to each other" versus "ignoring each other deliberately". Your poem touched my heart; you and I have the same view on this topic. Thank you for your lovely comment. Take care!

Curiad on August 14, 2012:

I am also confrontational, But in the case of the woman I loved and supported for 6 years, and whom "Ignored me" except for the thinks I could give. I ignore her, she is gone, she gets nothing from me any longer.

Great Hub Martie

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 14, 2012:

Kallini, yes, we all practice 'Ignoring Tactics'. I ignore many, and simply because their interests and views on life differs too much from mine. But when a person addresses me in any way through any medium, I will never ignore them deliberately, although I am not always able to respond immediately and hopefully they are able to understand. I even respond on crude comments, though not always in public, because I realize that some people project their personal discontentment. I, Miss Big Mouth, always in the first row, fighting for love, peace and joy and happiness with the dumb enthusiasm of a toddler, will of course get all sh@t projected right in the face...

Of course the world need you, Svetlana. We are all needed. Of course not too badly by anyone. We are all replaceable and actually only little f@%ts in the thunder called the Human Race. But somewhere on this planet, somewhere in this Universe, more than one person NEED to hear whatever knowledge and wisdom you have obtained in your life. This is throwing bread on the water and let it be.

Hallelujah @ ".... But sometimes things balance out nicely without intervention - the least important relationships - it it becomes one-sided, it just fizzles out." So true, and let me add, in the story of my life the important relationships sooner or later follow suit.

Have a great night/day, Svetlana :)

Trinity M on August 14, 2012:

Martie, we all reap what we sow… show love and kindness and you will receive the same and more in return. Great hub. Up and interesting.

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 14, 2012:

Sally's Trove, I appreciated your comment a couple of hours ago, but was not in the position to reply. Is it not a shame, how older people become invisible? I am not yet in the senior phase, but very aware of all the dilemmas seniors have to cope with. I am boots and all behind you in your mission to refuse to accept any unacceptable behaviour, such as ignoring you.

Yes, this topic is draining me, because it is perhaps the core of my Achilles heel. I am the eldest of 5 and part of a large family. My mother was/is a calm and quiet woman, placid and serene, a true introvert. I am the opposite. She found/find my exuberance quite exhausting, while I found/find her silence and tranquillity demotivating and a sign of refusal to accept and acknowledge me. So yes, I can’t help it, I feel like a complete freak and failure when ignored and therefor I HATE interactions with selfish, self-centered and self-obsessed scoundrels ignoring me deliberately, and if not, insulting me.

I can tolerate their behaviour for a while – I do understand and accept their personalities, I LOVE many of them dearly and support them with all the love in my heart. Oh, gosh, here I go again…. Fact is, when they turn around and insult me, after I have held them in high esteem and even on a pedestal for all to admire, I WILL automatically react with vengeance. I am so allergic to crudeness!

Thank you so much for your comment.

Michelle Liew from Singapore on August 13, 2012:

I agree so much with this, Martie. It is a thought provoking read; some of these people who ignore because of misguided prejudice are really blindsided and need counseling of some form. Thanks for the thought provoking read, which I'm sharing.

Mary Hyatt from Florida on August 13, 2012:

You are so sweet to mention my poem at the beginning of this Hub about losing a friend and you always wonder why??? Being ignored is the worse kind of punishment one can give to another human being, I think. It sends a terrible message of hate and loathing to the other person. It hurts the other person, but then that's why we would ignore another.

When I was a child and didn't get what I wanted, I would "pout". I would just simply ignore my parents because I knew in my little infantile mind I could hurt them that way. I could punish them for not granting me what I wanted.

Like I say in my poem, it hurts deeply. It's easy for some people to say to just "get over it" if you are ignored, but it is NOT easy.

I certainly voted this Hub UP, and will share.

Let's never ignore each other, OK?

kallini2010 from Toronto, Canada on August 13, 2012:

Dear Martie, I have finally got a break (it is raining in Toronto and I stayed home instead of going to the outdoor milonga) and I read your article.

All I can say - relationships are hard. I agree that avoiding (or ignoring) is the way of cowards, but not to say that I have not been practicing it. And I hate it, when I don't have the courage to say - this relationship does not work for whatever reason.

But sometimes things balance out nicely without intervention - the least important relationships - it it becomes one-sided, it just fizzles out.

In important and close relationships - ignoring will hardly work.

You picked a very sensitive topic and I think you touched the nerve - judging by the length of comments.

And I think it is time for me to ignore the world for a few hours - I'll catch some sleep. Maybe the world does not need me too badly.

Take care,

Sherri from Southeastern Pennsylvania on August 13, 2012:

You mentioned that writing this piece drained you. Well, you have company, because reading it (twice) drained me. So I'm going to keep my comment short, because the comments generated here already (full of insight) are draining, too!

I don't like being ignored, but it's a fact that a woman of my age, one day, is likely to become "invisible". I have taken this state of affairs as a challenge when in a public setting. If I hold the door open for you, and you don't say thank-you, I look you right in the eye and say, "You're welcome." The reactions are interesting: some pretend they didn't hear, while others dust the webs out of their fields of vision and offer an awkward apology. If you don't greet me, your customer, with the same good-morning greeting you direct to your younger customers and simply put your hand out for cash, you won't get my money until you look me in the eye while I say good morning to you.

Those little battles, to me, are very much worth the engagement. One of them just might make a difference for the next older person who holds a door open for you or is next in line for the cashier.

And that's enough from me! Super, super article. When are you writing the book? :)

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 13, 2012:

Mhatter99, some people find it quite easy to be rude to people showing any kind of love to them. Human behavior is such a complicated network of wants, needs, habits, manners, etc, and with so many Gordian knots. In many of my professional capacities - and especially being a financial officer having my nose in people's money matters - I've noticed that too many people are simply nasty and crude by nature, but at the same time, whenever they need something, they pretend to be beautiful and adorable. Looking at nature, we can clearly see this behavior in the mating-rituals of all kinds of animals - the coxcombry and fanfaronades. Honestly, Mhatter, some people find it difficult to see the good in good people. Most of us see only see what we are looking for. The rest is unwanted/unneeded. Thank you so much for you nice comment.

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Always exploring, yes, that was a soul-shuddering scene that had made a deep impact on millions. My hat is still off for all who were involved in the making of that movie. The backgrounds - décor - were also fascinating. Time for me to watch that movie again. Every time I do, I see more that leaves me in awe. I wonder, Ruby, how many people over 30 - or let's rather make it few, for 'many' would be too much to count - still have a heart that's not broken? This is one of the wonders of being human - we are able to live and thrive with broken hearts. Cheers, my dear Ruby!

Martin Kloess from San Francisco on August 12, 2012:

Good advice! being in the charity business, I think, you can count my detractors on one hand. The more you loved me the more you'll help. And how can you say anything but good about a person who helps others?

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Good morning, Professor Docmo aka Baby Tjoklits, I honestly enjoyed you lecture and the systematical presentation. Definnetely enhancing this hub of mine, keeping in mind that many out there are suffering either the tendency of ignoring others or the degrading results of being ignored. Of course, each and every case has its own merits and unique procedure of solving, depending on the characters involved and the type of relationship. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a meaningful and applicable comment. I've noticed you have published the beginning of a new series and I'll be over for a read before the end of my day. Thanks again! I appreciate your support truly with my heart on my sleaves :))

Ruby Jean Richert from Southern Illinois on August 12, 2012:

Aha, 'Gone with the wind' Will we not remember the thrill when she uttered the words that set us free. Only a heart that has been broken can understand..Cherrs my friend..

Mohan Kumar from UK on August 12, 2012:

Dear , Dear Martie, as always you wear your heart on your sleeve. Whether this is a deep philosophical discourse or a reaction to an experience, it gives us plenty of points to ponder.

As I can see from the erudite, metaphysical and meaningful discussion many have offered here I know that that your wonderful writing stimulates a reader reaction far deeper than many mundane hubwriting does. This in itself, is a triumph dear Martie.

To me 'ignoring others' is a behaviour that needs to be interpreted with caution. I have long been fascinated by the difference between attitudes and behaviours ( I have written a whole hub about it and have lectured on it!) . When someone 'ignores us' are we defining an attitude or merely capturing a behaviour?

For example lets say we send a message to someone and we don't get a reply. There are multitude of realworld reasons why the recipient may have failed to respond. ( message never got to them, they have been otherwise occupied, or they are purposefully ignoring the message) . it is a continuum of reasons of which one extreme is the fact that they are intentionally blanking us.

Whereas if it is a face to face encounter- lets say we are at a gathering and the person we say 'hello' to and smile blanks us.. while this is a clear sign of 'ignoring us' yet again there are multitude of reasons for this behaviour... maybe someone poisoned their mind with untruths about us, maybe they think we have hurt them somehow, or maybe they are just being sheer a%^holes.

The trick, I've learnt is to capture the symptom ( they are ignoring us) and the come up with a suitable 'diagnosis'. As a medic I know that the same symptom can manifest in many a diagnosis. We need to capture, co-relate, triangulate and investigate if we think its worth the trouble. Of course if the concerned person is a mere acquaintance not worthy of such deep investigation, we move on.

But if it is from a person we care about, and if we think that this act is going to torment us, cause us distress for a long time and run around like a bee in our proverbial bonnet then (a) look at the event that led us to believe we are being ignored (b) investigate the various benign or malignant reasons for such an act (c) arrive at a diagnosis (d) act accordingly once we have checked that our assessment is right...

See you've got me 'lecturing' again. Sorry for being a windbag. Feel free to 'ignore' me. For I will be secure in the knowledge that despite all my verbose nonsense, you will forever remain, always, a dear and valued friend. That is MY reality and I love believing in it. thanks again for a wonderfully stimulating hub. Who would even think of ignoring you? Such despicable behaviour has no excuse!

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

tsmog, thanks for the hug. I'm off to bed now...

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Hi Ruby, I so agree with you. Just before I got married, my father delivered a 'speech' to my husband-to-be. Explaining to him who I was and how I should be treated. Inter alia he stressed that I should not be ignored, because I was not able to handle deliberate silence as a response on my expressions and actions. "Just say mmm if you have nothing else to say," said my father. I was quite upset, because I thought I was very able to handle anything. But then, when my ex started to practice the ignoring-tactic in his efforts to break me down to his size, I crumbled like a ginger cookie. That was so awful. I pretended to be whole and strong, always, going on as if nothing was wrong, but God knows, I was dying inside. Twenty years later I got myself out of that desert and I've sworn, like Vivien Leigh in Gone with the Wind, that I will never be unhappy again.

Anyway, I am not as strong as I pretend to be. Thank you, Ruby, my twin :) I always appreciate your comments :)

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Joyce, you know I always appreciate your visits to my corner and especially your comments. You may think your writings are small, but they are not. Between the lines I can see all your unwritten thoughts and beautiful heart. Take care, my dear friend, and expect me in your corner soon.

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

My dear SilverGenes, as always, when I need the merest support, you arrive like an angel. I agree with your entire comment. Since the beginning you and I were on the same page. You are part of my family in CyberSpace. I always know you are there, NOT ignoring me :))

No, it was not a major incident that made me write this hub. Just an unexpected, and yet expected, response of someone I cared for. A kind of eye-opener, disillusion, whatever. I am fine.

Thank you so much, Alexandra, for your profound comment. You emphasized the topic in a brilliant way. Never forget that I admire you with all my heart :)

Tim Mitchell from Escondido, CA on August 12, 2012:

(((( MartieC )))))

Ruby Jean Richert from Southern Illinois on August 12, 2012:

This reminds me of a time when i lost a friend on Hubpages and didn't know why. It really hurt for awhile, then i started thinking, " I've done nothing wrong so i refuse to worry any more and i haven't. I might disagree with someone's opinion on a topic, but i don't need to express my disapproval. I don't comment. It has taken some time for me to reach this realization. I think everyone hates to be ignored, i know i do. I hope i don't intentionally ignore anyone. It is difficult on Hubpages to give everyone attention, soo many hubs to read..Great topic Martie..Cheers

Joyce Haragsim from Southern Nevada on August 12, 2012:

I wish I could write like the above hubbers but my writing stays small for some reason.

This is a very interesting hub and your a very talented to writer.

Voted up, interesting and awesome, Joyce.

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Lucky Cats, good to know you got me. 2:00am now down here; if I don't get myself in bed now, I will be a zombie at work from 8-1 :)) Hugs to you :)

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Nellieanna ~ That's that: "Subtle denials of one's real value...."

Under-estimating intelligence. Misunderstanding actions and/or intentions of actions.

I have so many more to add.

One may say that I should be a professional in ignoring those who ignore me, as I had 20 years experience in suffering the vibes of a man who abused me with his silent curses - and just because he knew that it was my Achilles heel. He admitted that he had no clue why he had done that to me; some kind of sadistic urge to bully me down to under his thumb was his master. History. But unfortunately, I will forever over-react on any treatment that reminds me of his.

Thank you, Nellieanna, for sharing your thoughts. Love you!

SilverGenes on August 12, 2012:

Martie, I'm so sorry if you have been hurt by someone. I hope that's not the case but my heart tells me otherwise. In real life (not the Internet) there are many reasons for people drifting away. We meet people who are meant to be part of our lives for awhile and we are both enriched. Drifting apart is often a natural and mutual thing if our roads lead us down very different paths. There is not necessarily an identifiable factor. It just fades away. Sometimes there is nothing left to say. With others, there is a lifelong friendship that seems to defy the years where there may have been little contact.

As for those times when confrontation is a possibility, for me that is an easy choice. If it can be resolved, then it is worth the effort. If it is not and something 'unforgivable' has happened, then I choose to spend my energy elsewhere. Often, both parties are well aware of what has transpired and when a line has been crossed that cannot be reconciled I feel no need to tend to negative energy and yes, I may ignore someone. In such cases, they know very well why. If I have nothing good to say, it is often better to remain silent. Sometimes F%$k you is the kindest recourse.

You are such an open and engaging person and I hope with all my heart that no one has hurt you this way.

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

My dear Vincent, thank you for enhancing my hub with your beautiful comment. Every word so honest and true. Since we've became friends I've never had any doubts about your loyal support. That is why I call you my brother.... Oh, stepbrother, just to make room for a little healthy flirting.... tralala ... LOL! Though I've actually quitted flirting since Mr. B stole my heart. Not that my online flirtation bothers him; he knows me, smiling in his beard because he is the one taking me home. Oh, I am going to publish a hub about online flirting soon.

Just like a good, loving brother, Vincent, you always come to my rescue whenever I need to be rescued. I know I can always rely on you. Thank you so much for your beautiful comment. Lots of hugs going your way :) Sowwy, no more kisses and galore.... Lol!

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Dusty, I really look forward to see you in Facebook again, and also to read that hub you've promised to write. That hacker was quite a scary intruder. In the meanwhile, take care :)

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Dear marcoujor, sorry I am laughing, but you are always so fooking cute.

But seriously ~ Passion is not really a virtue; I envy people with phlegmatic personalities. I envy introverts. I envy all people who are able to live without feeling any negative vibes in the universe. I often wish I was not me.

Now don't let me miss my flight to Nellieanna's ranch.

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Epigramman, I am, indeed, deeply touched by this ingenious comment of yours. Wow! How's that for a take on 'Ignoring Others'? I do agree with you, all the way. Gosh, I am actually speechless, seeing the real, serious you in your comment and not the role-player and epigram-writer I am so used to.

Yes, you are ALWAYS a good team player and you truly support and encourage and promote others. You never ignore others, although your method of operating in HubPages may be interpreted as such by hubbers not knowing you. We know it is not your habit to respond on the comments on your own poems; you go directly to commenters' hubs to read and comment right there in their corner, or you send them a personal message, praising their talents.

So, Epi, you are not a scoundrel :))

Oh, and I must say, it takes a bit of concentration to understand Tim, but once you've managed to get yourself balanced on his Alpha, Beta and Theta brainwaves, you will enjoy his ingenious thoughts, profound knowledge and wisdom and marvelous sense of humor.

Have a good day, Epi!

Kathy from Independence, Kansas on August 12, 2012:

Amen, Martie!!!! Gotcha!

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Bless you, Tim!

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Lucky Cats, of course, this hub is an objective take on the topic 'Ignoring Others'. The fact that it was instigated by a personal experience, is irrelevant. ALL our writings are instigated by personal experiences from the past or the present.

'Ignoring Others' is a relevant TOPIC, worthy to discuss, worthy to ponder. Many-many people are the victims of scoundrels ignoring others deliberately, instead of sharing their thoughts in a proper, decent way. The vibes they emit while ignoring others is absolutely suffocating, and the sounds (words) they utter while they are in the mood to ignore others remind me of the barking of an animal in pain, angry, with his foot in a trap. I honestly cannot handle this! But really, my friend, this hub is not about me and what I can handle and what not, but about the topic. I, too, have an analytic mind, and your comment was absolutely excellent.

Re your suggestion for a solution - Of course, communication is ALWAYS essential for the solving of any problems, though sometimes the game is not worth the candle.

Nellieanna Hay from TEXAS on August 12, 2012:

That I always love you is never at doubt & I have a degree of understanding - remember I have another Aries daughter! - :-) I'm not new to it. haha.

My mother used to say "I can't pad the corners for my kids." No mother - or anyone else can!

Being ignored is an irritation. It exists on many levels. Subtle denials of one's real value or importance is as bad or worse than just shutting one out. There are few varieties we've not all expereienced - from teachers or other kindergartners or college colleagues, mates, - even our kids. A competitive world promotes some forms of downsizing of others. There are even worse insults. It's in how one responds to them. Sure you can combat them - but that gives them stature which they probably don't deserve. But it's how one views it and feels about it. If it feels cowardly - it probably is. It can feel the most brave and strong of reposonses to let it pass.

To ignore anyone for whom one's response MATTERS may be a horrid thing. It might be needed to get their attention like the proverbial mule's!

If it's just a matter of 'showing them' they can't ignore me or give me offense --- I have to ask - show them WHAT? Offended at what? Why give them such power? There're parts of the body "showing them" is sometimes equated with.

One thing I respect in you is your coursge. You need not flex it - it shows in things that matter - the way you face life and make it work - so many examples.

Nellieanna Hay from TEXAS on August 12, 2012:

I know, Marie. Martie really is like a beloved daughter to me. We've shared much. I simply sensed that something more specific than a general academic thought may have touched off this strong outcry. And it is especially strong and resonates like an outcry.

By the way - my ranch helpers have actually cleared a spot where at least a helicopter could land! Better park the jet at a real airport. When you coming? There are arrangements and I need to get down there myself! :-) Siesta, huh? mwhahahaha

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Nellieanna, my dear mother in CyberSpace..... Oh, I cannot help smiling.... You are such an amazing mother to me, allowing me to work and play as I wish, but always ready to rescue me when I fall over the edge.

Nothing to worry about has happened; I was simply insulted by someone who tends to ignore me from time to time, so I've decided to write a hub about people ignoring others. It is such a bad habit! I was married for 20 years to a man who intimidated me with this and when I swallowed my pride and requested a reason, he always insulted me with one of his distorted interpretations of my doings. So I don't have any tolerance left to cope with this specific issue and I have all the experience in the world to write about it.

Thank you, Nellieanna, for assuring me once again that you love me. Lots and lots and lots of hugs from me to you :)

Vincent Moore on August 12, 2012:

Martie my little sista, you have opened a Pandoras Box of much to think about and ponder over from many of us. As you know we've been friends here for a couple of years and in that time we have supported one another's hubs and even shed a tear or two on each others cyber shoulders. I have grown and audience over time from 1.000 followers when I was Saddlerider down to where I am now as Vincent Moore and I am content. Much of my time is spent outside of the hubs thinking, doing, wandering, watching and being inspired by talented people like you.

In this time I have also not always been in haste to leave a comment on many of my followers hubs, nor have they on mine. However many of us read and don't comment and I am never insulted or disturbed by that.We savour, roll around the words and meaning on our tongues like a fine tasting of desirable wine and giving thought to what is being expressed and finally delighted when we choose to leave the comment on that Holy Grail of literature so penned by that writer/poet.

I apologize to you and many others if I have been tardy or neglectful in my quick reply or reply at all to a hub I may have missed or chosen to simply read with interest and not comment. I have befriended many great writers like yourself and some have chosen to drop my friendship after leaving many outstanding comments on my scribes and praising my work with kind words like you are a "real poet" or "a master" and I am humbly embarrassed of course. As I am a simple man of words and means and don't deserve such acclaim. Yet I stay focused on my writing and sharing what I write.

I am delighted that you and I remain friends and do share and comment on each others hubs, you have shown your loyalty by simply being true to yourself and giving without expectations of receiving accolades from anyone. I truly enjoy your work and wish you to continue to enlighten us with your talent and knowledge, for we are all the better of it in the end. Peace and blessings to you and big hugs from across the sea.

50 Caliber from Arizona on August 12, 2012:

Martie, that face book thing was a hacker who caused some bad karma that turned into a three ring circus, I'll be up with a private account and be letting you and others how to get in.

It will take a hub that needs written, because the evil that some call fun can end up quite deadly to the unknowing.

Peace, dust

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Hi, Dusty, long time no see! Wow! I feel like shaking your hand and say 'Nice to meet you!' Lol! Yes, when I wrote that novelette you're talking about, I have not yet come to terms with my past. That writing was the disinfection of all my wounds, and only because of the support of my hubber-friends. I have never shared that with my real friends - oh my, how could I fill their minds with such a 'common' personal trauma? How could I jeopardized my 'reputation' in real life with such a banal personal trauma? It was, and still is, so easy to 'vomit' in CyberSpace, you know Dusty. To my surprise so many co-hubbers came to my rescue with the most wonderful comments. With their help I've built a bridge and got over it. I have changed so much you will hardly recognize me. Lol!

Dusty, I've never experienced your 'silence' as ignoring me. I know your circumstances, I know what's cooking in your corner, I know you will not ignore me when I send you a message. So, relax my friend, I don't see or sense a scoundrel in you. Lol!

Peace, love and blessings to you as well. Oh, and what's up with your FB-account? Please let us know :)

Maria Jordan from Jeffersonville PA on August 12, 2012:


Maybe knowing you as well as you know yourself, I find Lucky's comment to be on target for you, me and everyone else in this big and bad ole world.

I know my Sista is "A-OK", Sista Momma, and she has a unique way of tying so many of life's issues up for us... that we can get swept away in her passion. We are all heading to your ranch soon for a "Sisterly Siesta"...! You got it... I'm fueling the jet...!

PS... it's "fooking" word... behave, Colin!!

epigramman on August 12, 2012:

I tend to be a lone wolf and an outsider life and online too - so I may appear to be aloof and yes I am self absorbed - there's a lot of people I don't particularly care for - as yes there are many at the Hub - I prefer to ignore them - they make life cheap. Sounds like epi is confessional today - well I don't bullshit I just talk openly and honestly - I am who I am and that is just the way it is - I try to be a good person and get along with everyone but it's just not possible and a waste of time - I try to be a good team player here at the Hub and support and encourage and promote other writers.

As always Martie your world class writing brings these feelings out in me which is the mark of someone who knows how to provoke me into thinking and looking deep within ......and it's always a rewarding experience to be moved and touched by your words and hopefully you will be with this comment ..... lake erie time 4:57pm sending you warm wishes and good energy from ontario, canada after coming out of the water ..... p.s. - and I still can't understand a single word that Tim says - lol lol

Tim Mitchell from Escondido, CA on August 12, 2012:

I learned something today. I have to dash and get a long pencil, since my meds surely say I will forget before the end of today, ha, ha. So, Lucky Cats, a fellow co-star of Hubville is spelled with a 'K? and not a 'C?' Well for a humorous (sp) thought. That is 11 and not 3 yet the similarity of difference is 8 and that is infinity, odd? Now we toss in the 'Lucky' part it being 12 or Lucky Kathy is really 23 or 5, whoa horseys, a whole new story of similarities of differences with the first being 8 now 5 of which is 13 or 4 thought to be the most powerful combination of numbers by some, odd? Now we have sides to be chosen, inside or outside of the box? Yet that is two dimensional and not of three, yet six is better it seems. Was this fun? If I did this mental exercise at the kitchen table with a cup of hot tea, visiting a bunch of lady friends, (respectfully I say that), I would all of sudden look Kathy in the eyes and say "what happen in '85?" Everyone would stare at me and say, well, probably nothing, and my Dearest Best Friend would say, don't worry, that is just Tim. And, then an old Jeep would pull up and Tim would say, "Never mind '50' is here were going to pan some gold today and I get to drink 'one' beer, ha, ha . . . '50' would stick his head in the door, see those faces, and then say, "is Tim being weird again? Let's go I know where there is a good spot."

Just kidding,

a friend


Kathy from Independence, Kansas on August 12, 2012:

No...I was talking about the "proverbial" you...not YOU, Martie...and, after reading Nellieanna's comment; it occurs to me that I didn't relate this to something that might have happened to YOU...Oh..YIKES! I hope YOU do not misunderstand my words here...I guess, sometimes, I think I'm too 'analytical' rather than thinking on the 'human' side of this..not the 'dynamics' side. with whomever, or whatever did happen - or- as I think/thought; that this is another of your erudite and well considered hubs....I think that the best and, really, ONLY solution is communication...from the one who is doing the assault (ignoring w/out relief to the recipient)...and from the one who is the target of neglect.


Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Dear Lucky Cats, you've pulled all my tears - worth $25,000 - with your lovely comment. Your wisdom and insight are absolutely amazing. You're so far away from me, and yet it feels if you are right here with me, looking into my eyes and right into my soul. Yes, I agree with your entire comment. That's life. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts about 'ignoring others'. You've made me realize that when I ignore others deliberately, the primary reason is because I am trying to protect myself. Take care, Kathy, and thank you so much for your never-ending support.

Nellieanna Hay from TEXAS on August 12, 2012:

My darling Martie. What happened?

50 Caliber from Arizona on August 12, 2012:

Martie, I loved the tune by Roy O. this made me think back to the series I read that you were writing when we met on these pages. I realized that you were writing from the heart as there was so much raw feeling in your words. Now I see and hear a mostly happy sounding writing that conveys the school of hell that you conquered. It is a delight to see, I know you have written more than I have read, and I hope you know I'm not ignoring but trying to keep up with many and it is so hard to do. Right now it is too hot to be out in 114* heat for man or beast, so we are cooling it inside and I'm a little better able to catch up.

This was great on a topic so touchy for some, thanks for a prospective to consider,

Peace, Love and Blessings,


Kathy from Independence, Kansas on August 12, 2012:

hello my dear friend Martie! Well, so much to think about in this excellent hub of yours. The human dynamic is so difficult to decipher; there are so many pieces to this "pie" called "life" and 'relationships.' As many people as there are on the face of the planet; there are that many interpretations and misunderstandings; unintentional as well as intentional inflicting of pain or hurt upon another person. We do this as a defense, we do it as a means to keep others at bay; at a comfortable distance, we do it to avoid growing closer or closer to another human being; we do it out of misunderstandings...the list is almost endless. We are a protective species; we think too much; we misinterpret and we place the walls between ourselves and others. Sometimes, we might have shared too much of ourselves w/another and then, as a result; feel vulnerable. This vulnerability causes us to feel even more defensive and self protective and it becomes a "self fulfilling prophecy," wherein, we create the very thing we hoped to avoid....lonliness and isolation.

So many of us are "introverts," in that, we have managed our lives and relationships in such a way as to be able to "censor," or filter those whom we allow access to our inner circle. And, it's true; some of us have feelings of inferiority; lack of self esteem; even self hatred. This translates into an inability to believe that others value us or find us attractive. We wonder, "how could anyone care about me?" Or, not so clearly/consciously: "I am not worth their attention...ergo...why are they paying attention....ergo...they must not be on par w/the status quo." Underserving! Of course.

The recipient of rejection and being ignored is the injured party. He/she does not know why this has happened; does not understand and feel deeply hurt. Everything is taken on a personal basis rather than "understanding" that (most likely) the one doing the 'rejecting / ignoring ' is acting from their own feelings of misgivings.

It is more difficult to interpret this dyamic when the ignored one was in an intimate relationship or close friendship. This is an entirely different situation; causing feelings of loss, separation, abandonment which leads to doubt. So, now; another aspect of rejection has come into the mix.

"What a tangled web we weave."....when, first; we choose to love and believe..." (second part/ my own )...

Human relationships...a corumdrum! We'll NEVER figure it out but, we CAN curtail, "edit," and direct our own behaviors which are, potentially; hurtful to others; particularly one who is/was a SIGNIFICANT other....

We can act with love and understanding and converse as adults; on an adult matter whether the dynamic of the relationship has chaged. Closure is most important.

Love ya. That'll be $25,000 for my time!!! LOLOLO

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

My dear marcoujor, I have room in my heart for all kinds of people, so I've been delighted, enlightened and even shocked and disenchanted by all kinds. And still, I have not yet learned everything there is to know. Thank you so much for your comment. Good to know I have Miss Sammie's old time favorite in here. I am sure she and I would have chat dogs out of bushes. Lots of hugs to you :)

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Tim, I see 4 very interesting hubs in your comment. Your brain reminds me so much of a helicopter. Have you ever noticed all the stuff those propellers bring to the surface while the helicopter lands? Honestly, I will take one topic at a time and thoroughly (but KISS) dissect them in a hub.

Now I am going to read an article about RINGS of all things, knowing that not even a ring on my finger prevented my ex-husband from ignoring me whenever he was in a bad mood.

Maria Jordan from Jeffersonville PA on August 12, 2012:

OK, Sista... Knowing you, you did not mean to make me cry.

I am sobbing listening to Roy, as this was one of Miss Sammie's all time favorites: "It Takes all Kinds of People"...

And, of all people, thank you for sharing this universal wisdom with us.

Voted UP and UABI and keeping it brief after Tim's hub, I mean comment! Got any coffee...? PS... "short is relative...!"

Tim Mitchell from Escondido, CA on August 12, 2012:

Hello, MartieC. This will be short. It goes with the keys in the picture and is a revelation of me while hoping the 'right one' does listen to the cosmos. Simply put, "I don't want to be married to my work any longer!" and yet I don't hate it. I placed that ring of carnelian on my right pinkie and was met with those innuendos.

My 'feelings' are those who felt the significance of the symbolism of carnelian on that particular finger may just have been overwhelmed and being males confused of those powers thinking they were forces. I defer to the previous comment I made. Here is an interesting link of which I learned from a beautiful woman, a friend, Caroline, a roommate once and her sisters.

Her father Welsh, her Mother Armenian, and like one I know she spoke three or more languages. Those were somee of my first learning lessons of emotions. Listening to the languages change from Arabic to Armenian to English with family conversations. A note: I was then a visitor on this planet new to the amnesiac experience. Boy did I get lost a lot. I still do. Hence, to 'survive' I intellectualize with book learning, since I had not the learning of interactions of feelings and emotions of that constant continuum of growing up per se of which I am still an infant today. I see a hub forming, so I better stop.

I'm hungry still . . .


Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

WTH, tsmog! It took me an entire hour to read your hub.... I mean comment. Lol!

As always, I agree with you - Could but only nodded-nodded-nodded all the way :)

Just my personal addition about truth - What is truth? Merely our interpretation of reality, our perception of a specific issue. But then, my interpretation may differ radically from yours. So the crux of a matter is not really the truth, but the effect the so-called truth have on us.

Oh, I love Leonardo de Vinci, because we were both born on 15 April. Of course, ages apart.

Good to know you've made a discovery in this hub of mine. Discoveries are so exiting, forcing us to review and re-arrange the knowledge and wisdom in our frame of mind.

Thank you, Tim, for all the info you've provided in here. Very-very interesting! Your interpretation of my words and the pictures I've chosen, is quite an eye-opener. Worthy to ponder... I enjoyed your discussion and all the giggles you've given me. Nice to know I (instead of coffee) managed to put that ingenious mind of yours in first gear. Also, thank you for the link.

Now I need a large mug of coffee :)))

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Hi, billybuc! Yes, I am also confrontational. Before I react on my feelings and/or suspicions, I will firstly 'confront' the person(s) involved. Seldom if ever aggressive, just straight forward. I am a typical Aries. The confrontation will determine my actions. Life is a ball game. Like tennis. I play the ball as it is thrown to me; a hard ball coming to me demands power...

I can sense disrespect from a distance. Most of the time I pretend I don't sense it. Keeping in mind that people have their own issues and perceptions. I may remind them of someone who had hurt them. Only when disrespect is directly aimed at me, I react, and often over-react, because I, too, have issues. One word of another person may cut into my wounds.

Thank you, Bill, for reading and commenting. Much appreciated!

Tim Mitchell from Escondido, CA on August 12, 2012:

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, a sigh, aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh, I ponder. This hub is certainly one of the most thought provoking I have read of late. It offers not an answer, which is the theme of hubs in general. This stimulating hub prompts or gives cause, simple enough. I'll wander just a tad now.

Many times when a thought is conjured I begin with paper and pencil. Some say our memory is as long as that pencil. The puzzle to that is I always use a new, long pencil. The joke to that is the picture with that saying always shows a short pencil. The mind prompts laughter going ha, ha, short memory, although the truth with thought is Great Memory, since not a long pencil is 'needed.'

Back to where I was, spontaneity of thought, a tad of theta here, and no coffee yet. In science it is known as cause and effect or A leads to B not an addition of unless effect is tossed in. Cause and 'effect' is another debate entirely offering fallacious thought found here Really it becomes an 'if - then' statement. If condition A then condition B, if not then condition C.

The oddity of that is we just described a geometric triangle having apexes A, B, & C. Yet to be a triangle there must be connections. or points of interest and congruency. The child learns in youth today that a circle coincides with those apexes of which on the outside harmony is discovered with the circle. Yet, oddly with the sides within there is a melody too. Another circle can be drawn with the mid-points of each side of the triangle being cause - affect - effect.

Now, we have the simplicity of cause - affect - effect. This article discusses the cause while proposing an effect, yet opens the audience and readership to draw the line between effect and cause. The trick is to discover the truth, which binds while not offering a fallacious tenancy of those end points, yet if only a line they be, we simply discover this, A - B - C or linear thought.

Long ago, one we know as Leonardo de Vinci offered the tetrahedral for that solution. Oddly, and coincidentally, so does the wizardry of the ancient Indian and Buddhist concept of Karma or the science of action and deed, or maybe one in the same Cause and Effect. Notice affect is not mentioned. Neither - Nor, they both stress balance.

The chakras are offered as a solution too. If one was to go on a treasure hunt, looking carefully for clues, the Bible offers those same concepts. That is a different discussion. Back with the chakras we discover a powerful force of nature is sexuality (not sex per se) and those of the differing genders. The root chakra is the basal point for the male and emotion chakra the basal point for the female. Now, we discover that maybe one of the affects of cause spoken in this hub - feelings, likened to emotions, are not the same with men as it is with women. Again, with study we see women are not necessarily the superior being, yet maybe the more advanced.

For this audience member a discovery is made, offering much gratitude and Thanksgiving to the author. It seems I have been placed on ignore one may think by a Dearest Best Friend, yet really not. Tough love kinda' could be said. More like instructions for healing provided in a tenancy 'I do' understand, which is a new discovery of hers.

So, I offer up an offering to the advanced and wise a thought for a hub or two. These are two known 'facts.' The female's corpus callosum is more defined and advanced than the male. Her right side brain hemisphere is more acute because of this and also not as frightening than it is for males in general. That is science.

With a tad of science and spirituality we have the 'fact' the females sex organs or center is in the second chakra not the first. The male is in the first.

From there a general understanding of the connections between the three brains we each have commonly understood as the lizard brain, the dog brain, and the human brain. Remember, the human brain in general is more advanced with females by birth. Today education systems are focused inconspicuously with development of the corpus callosum led by discoveries with autism research.

Next, ponder a simple hub with the title "Ignoring Others ~ The Facts, the Consequences, the Restoration of Peace" has more power than the words when left alone. More so, I reflect on the message of the picture being a tad in theta, more right than left, and full of spontaneity.

This is a persona view (note persona is the correct spelling). The mind says type those keys - Love or Hate. Two simple sentences are conjured, which is Hate Love or Love Hate. And then what of color and which is a favorite and which is socialized and how. Green says go, orange says spooky in the states to sum with Halloween. Or the sunset if burnt orange. In Feng Shui sunsets are never to be in the home signifying death. The sunrise is reveled. hmmmm a new adventure I discover regarding a Dearest Best Friend.

My inclination is to place the middle finger on Love and ring finger on Hate. Is that a male thought? What of the female? So, that said I am in tension with that thought, being ring finger on 'Hate.' I alter my thinking prompted by desire of the concept of 'Love' and not the by-product of 'Love.' Dissonance is visited with male concept of intimacy expressed as 'sexual' or the middle finger, to the ring finger and an 'effort' is made to slide the hand toward the left or a right brain activity, which is unnatural for the male, thus the ring finger on 'Love' and the 'Pinky' finger on Hate. A little uncomfortable, yes, but with time, the nurturing of the teaching process and a bit of discipline, it soon will be very natural.

I leave it to those who followed this exercise of 'not ignoring' to dash onto Google to discover the significance of the 'pinky' finger. I use to wear a pinky ring for years with a carnelian crystal as the stone, until I could not stand the innuendos of being a homosexual rather than my proclaimed and chosen asexual / celibate lifestyle. In my view nothing wrong with being a homosexual, it was the tone of the phobia tossed about that was distasteful in the work environment.

I wander . . . .and, I really needs some coffee now, ha, ha . . .as a friend of which you are one of the 'Best' MartieC I offer gratitude for the thought exercise and by publishing it as a comment offer thanksgiving for that privilege, of which you as owner / operator have censorship 'rights.' Hmmmmmmmm, I'm hungry too :)

tim and erosamor sometimes.

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Faith, it is easy to dish out advice, but to live in the circumstances and applying the advice, is another story. I always compare this with a boxing match and spectators. Spectators can shout advice as hard as they can, the boxers in the ring can't register any of those advice. They are too busy trying their best to win round after round. Another fact - the kind of people operating on the lower levels, upsetting us daily, become like worms under our skin. They never stop gnawing; the irritation they cause is truly unbearable. After direct contact with them we literally feel their negative vibes on our skin, as if we have had a swim in a sewerage drain. Oh dear, and if you don't get them in your family, you'll get them at your work. But get, you will get them. They are truly pests! Believe me, you have all my empathy. Fortunately, you know the Source of power and endurance :)) Hold on to it!

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on August 12, 2012:

Martie, a beautiful hub with an excellent message.

People may be surprised to find that I am a bit confrontational...I don't accept rudeness, and I consider ignoring someone to be I step up and call people on their behavior. Is it right to do that? I don't know and don't much care. Respect is something I believe in, and any sign of disrespect gets my attention very quickly.

Loved the hub and message!

Faith Reaper from southern USA on August 12, 2012:

Thank you so much Martie, and that is what I NEVER want to do, is go down on her level - Yikes!!! I do show her love and just ask the Lord to change her heart and He deal with her, and then His peace does rain down on me, and I feel at peace, as you stated, knowing I have not done any wrong, but show her love as best I can. I appreciate your advice and kind comments. In His Love, Faith Reaper

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Dear Faith Reaper, what a difficult situation you are in, having to cope with a member of your family practicing common, low-class habits. If she was a friend, I would said, ‘Chuck her cold turkey!’ Life is too short to put up with a friend who steals your joy and peace of mind. But a member of a family cannot be chuck. You have to accept her as she is and deal with her the way you would deal with a retard. Don’t give her any reasons to do what she is doing – although she will find what she’s seeking for in her mind. DON’T take her doings to heart. You know a snake, you know what he is capable of, you stay out of his way. As easy as that. Limit your visits to her to the utmost essential, love her like you love yourself as best as you can while you are with her, and go home knowing you have done what was right and decent. Keep her out of your thoughts. You believe in prayers ~ so give her to God and don’t take her back. Trust Him, he will take care of her.

I know how you feel. I’ve been there, done that… Today I can look back with peace in my heart, knowing that I’ve never went down to their level; I have always SHOWN love and respect even while my heart was bleeding with anger, unhappiness and even with hate. Fact is, we cannot change others. We can but only try our best to be the best we can be.

I wish you good luck and peace :)

Faith Reaper from southern USA on August 12, 2012:

Excellent hub and very interesting. For a very long time, there is somene in our family who intentionally for whatever unknown reason actually loves to cause strife between others in the family by telling them untruths about what another family member is saying about them! So, for a while, I did choose to ignore it, being who the specific family member is and like you said some do, trying to be the "peacemaker." However, with much frustration only on my own self, the family member continues on without regard to anyone else - for years and years. Then, finally, one day, I just told her why, when she would start to complain, why none of the family enjoys being around her. And for a while, she would stop and try to not be an instigator of trouble, but it did not last. Then, for my own protection, I just had to back off of the relationship a bit, but I still call and go to see her, etc. When she starts in on the maniupulation aspect of her personality, I just do not even feed into that, and change the subject. So, what would you suggest if a person truly must not be able to change and continues to manipulate the whole family and tries to pit everyone against everyone just because she is the one unhappy. She really would love for all us to be unhappy? When we do go to visit her, the whole time, she complains, complains and complains, and we all have started to point things out to her, but to no avail. I may be getting off subject, and all I know to do is continue to pray for the healing of her heart, if she is choosing to be so unhappy. On another note, I know about those here who choose to ignore comments, etc., and it would be refreshing if they would just say, hey, I really do not care to read a comment from you, and be done with it. Sorry to ramble on this early in the morning, on a Sunday. Well, now it's time for me to pray for myself to have a clean heart. We all really do try to love her as much as possible, and she is still not happy with anything we do, and then when we back off due to the manipulation, she is not happy but is starting to realize we are not going to put up with that type of behavior. So, we know there is a deep root of something going on with her, but we have no clue, unless she has some mental issues that need to be dealt with at some point. In His Love, Faith Reaper

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

fpherj - Now that is certainly an excellent topic for debate - Is there really a polite way to say F U? One of my sisters, actually both, oh, gosh, and my brothers too, always stand with both feet on the Bible. So I've started to practice their habits, and it works. Next time you strip a bolt in your brain because some idiot are jeopardizing your safety on the road, say 'bless you!' instead of 'ef you!', and just feel the different effect it has on your body. When we say F U, we trigger the release of an overdose of stress-increasing hormones and chemicals. Go try it! After all, why do we allow others to upset us? Most of the time they are not even aware that they are provoking unpleasant feelings in us.

I agree all the way with you on choosing battles wisely. Since I can remember, I don't waste any energy on minor battles. You know my motto: Eagles don't catch flies. However, I do have my way to get rid of the frustration and anger others provoke in me. Most of the time they don't even know it, and those who notice don't give a damn. They certainly don't share your idea that I am too sweet to ignore. Fact is, we cannot please everybody all the time. Sadly, I, too, can change a friend into an enemy without even knowing it.

Thank you, Paula, for your lovely comment and for wishing me peace :) Enjoy your day!

Martie Coetser (author) from South Africa on August 12, 2012:

Hi Sunshine, yes, that one is also a motto of mine. But do you know there are actually people who, for some reason rooted in their self-esteem, prefer to be ignored. Perhaps because they need to function in secrecy, perhaps afraid of critic or any kind of evaluation of personality/character. So, what you and I would like others to do to us, is not necessarily what others would like others to do to them.

You are early up and about on this Sunday the 12th, are you not? Now 2:05pm down here :) I plan to pick 'Coping in an Unpleasant Relationships' as a theme tomorrow, and then I will 'pimp' this hub you know where. Or maybe I will change my mind.... lol! What is a mind if we cannot change it?

Thank you so much for being the first to comment. Have a lovely day, dear Linda!

Suzie from Carson City on August 12, 2012:

Martie....Is there really a "polite" way to say, EFF-U??? LOL Honestly, if I want to convey that particular message.......I can't waste my energy being polite about it............but I understand what you are saying.

There are times when a confrontation is a wise choice.......yet, on the other hand, there's that especially offensive individual who simply denies all wrong-doing, in any case. I like to conserve my efforts and choose my battles wisely. Some basically nasty people are not worth the expense of our attention. Don't you agree?

I know one thing for sure...YOU are too sweet to ignore!!! Have a beautiful Sunday, Martie!! Peace. UP+++

Linda Bilyeu from Orlando, FL on August 12, 2012:

Do unto others as others do unto you. It might not be the best way to some, but it sure works for me and I wouldn't change a thing. Excellent hub!!!

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