I'm a doctor aspiring to become a surgeon, helping many have a second chance at life.
Before I start with this article, I'd love for you to smile. Come on, go ahead and smile! You deserve it and it suits you so perfectly. It's been proven that smiling for 5-10 minutes makes you feel happy on the inside and instantly shifts your mindset to a more positive one.
This will not only change your outlook towards things in general but also attract others towards the happy, radiating you. And there you go! That almost immediately increases your chances of finding someone worth your while. However, this isn't the only thing you can do to find the right person. There's some level of transformation required on your side that will help you shift gears and up your game in the dating arena.
But it is of equal importance, if not more, to always keep in mind that your relationship with yourself should be a priority and any other relationship will only add icing to an already gorgeous cake.
So, without further ado, let's get on with it!
Understanding The Pattern
Have you ever noticed how all your ex's have something or the other in common?
- Emotionally unavailable
- Passive aggressive
- Cheating repeatedly
- Abusive (mental or physical)
- Not putting enough effort into the relationship
- Treating you like a trophy
Ever wondered why?
It is important to understand why you choose to be with people who have similar personality traits over and over again. And no matter how many boyfriends/girlfriends you change, unless this pattern is addressed, you will continue to encounter relationships that will most often than not, fail.
Although not a well known entity, many of these patterns stem from our childhood relationship dynamics: the ones we had with our parents. If we look closely into our lives, we come to realize that there must've been someone in our childhood who held similar traits to the ones we seek in our partners. And it is usually someone who we most connected with.
As children, we often look up to the adults around us to provide us with physical and emotional protection. Our brain cannot differentiate between right and wrong. It learns from what it sees around itself. So, whatever we perceive, we believe to be true. It provides us a sense of security which we carry with us into our adult life, be it a healthy pattern or not.
And even though as an adult, we may consciously understand something to be wrong, it gets so wired into our subconscious mind that it becomes close to impossible to behave differently. Hence, we repeat the same patterns over and over again, creating a vicious cycle. This is exactly why so many relationships never make it beyond the so called "honeymoon phase". That's where the real story begins.
Let me explain this slightly more with an example.
For instance, you grew up in a household where your father paid no heed to your mother. He always insulted her, belittled her, ridiculed her even and you never once heard him say I love you to your mother. All you ever knew was them constantly fighting and regretting having married each other. Now, for a who's child growing up in such an unhealthy family environment, this could go two ways:-
- Seeing your mother cry on a daily basis, you start to build walls around yourself, too afraid to have to go through something similar. You end up becoming emotionally unavailable in all of your relationships, which needless to say, don't last long.
- Your mind just perceives your father's behavior towards your mother as normal and you subconsciously seek out a partner with similar traits: someone who belittles and ridicules you. For your mind, this feels safe. Feels like home. Even though on a conscious level, it may seem uncomfortable, the childhood you feels protected.
And you don't need me to tell you that neither of these above relationships can ever have a happy ending. Nothing based on past trauma can have a good outcome. You may break out of one chain only to enter another. The only was past this is through it.
Therefore, it becomes imperative to understand the kind of emotional trauma we're holding on to in our minds in order to change it. Most of it comes from someone we felt very close to or someone we adored as a child. It may also come from trying to impress a certain parent in order to obtain praise. As kids, we tend to thrive on praise and love. If we fail to get it, we either make it a mission to get them to like us or worse, start thinking we're unlovable. This is where most people as adults end up having extremely low self esteems.
After reading this, most of us might feel anger towards our parents and blame them for ruining our dating lives. But we need to understand that they too were acting from a place of emotional trauma and had patterns they couldn't break. We should consider ourselves lucky that we live in an age and time where research on the human mind and it's functionality has reached such great heights that it has become easier than ever to make a difference. Keep in mind that this vicious cycle can break with you and help you find your ideal relationship.
Keen observation and spending time with yourself, carefully dissecting each and every relationship from your past to look for similarities with your childhood is a great way to locate the exact pattern. However, this may take time and you need to be patient with yourself. While your body and mind have been screaming at you through your relationships to heal this trauma, they are also afraid to let go of something they've known to be as their safe place for years. So be kind to yourself. Journal if you need to. Write everything down. Slowly, it will unravel itself to you.
Now's the time to heal.
Once you find your pattern (which may seem like finding a needle in a haystack), you can now work on consciously altering it to get a different outcome.
After going through this tough process, the rest of the journey becomes relatively easy.
TIP: every time you feel butterflies in your stomach just by looking at someone, DON'T ACT ON IT IMMEDIATELY. Trust me, it's stemming from your old patterns. You can always look into the relationship; but take your sweet time. More often than not, if it makes you feel giddy and go weak in the knees at first glance, it's almost never worth it (applies majorly to relationships only).
Whenever you start to notice your patterns (which you will rather easily once you unravel them in your mind), your job now becomes to consciously behave differently than you originally would.
Force yourself to walk out of the relationship if you feel disrespected or if the other person isn't putting in enough efforts. It may seem like a herculean task but it's absolutely worth it. What's more, you will gain more respect for yourself in your own eyes and that's the most important.
Slow and steady, you will find it easier to reject relationships you once accepted just because you didn't want to be alone. You will actively seek healthier relationships. And even if it doesn't work out, you will be able to learn from them more efficiently. You will be okay.
The Most Important Ingredient
Having said all of this, none of this will work unless you imbibe one very important component: SELF LOVE.
When you structure your life around all these aspects, you will stand out among others who are oblivious to the secrets of securing an emotionally safe relationship.
This invariably attracts emotionally healthy partners which means healthier relationships with higher chances of it lasting longer.
Always remember, it is impossible to get everyone to like you. Even you don't like everyone! You can never people please your way into acceptance. You could be a whole ray of sunshine but someone may not want/like you because they're used to rain. Be okay with shining regardless!
I hope you enjoyed reading this article and gained something from it. If you want me to write an article specifically on developing self-love habits, leave a comment under this article and I'll write one. You can also follow my HubPages account for similar articles. Enjoy!.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2021 poorvi