Bachelors Degree in Organizational Behavioral Psychology with a background in Autism, Mental Health, Business Psychology. Sales Management.
I Knew What He Was, I Didn't Listen To Myself
I wanted to be a person that never judges another and even if they were something or done awful things in life; I'd give them a chance. I look at them with new eyes. I do that because nothing I do it feels will ever make some see me as ME. It's this version based on things I'm not anymore. On things that I never did. Or in between and I hate that these people can't look with new eyes.
So I do...all the time...to a fault. Way past fault to be honest.
I have a ridiculous amount of higher education, college degrees, intellectuals in my family, geniuses even. I have been wordly traveled and very much an empathetic and intuitive soul. I'm a walking lie detector. I know everything. See it all. So why in the world would I marry a Narcissist that tried to destroy me...literally.
That's just it. I'm an empath. The empath that's beyond empathetic and I just can't imagine someone's capable of being that kind of person. I can't wrap my brain around someone who's that empty as a human being. So I ignore they have red flags. What if I'm wrong?
Except I have never been wrong. Not once. I even stayed a year more to make sure. Made a case study out of my marriage. You will see the tip of the iceberg if you read this. But it's way more in depth. I mean I have analytical analysis going on. But I honestly can't comprehend it because there's zero rationality in the things Narcissist people will do and try arguing with one.
Banging your head against a brick wall for twelve hours is more productive and less painful than talking to one. Seriously, you get more out of the debate with the wall. There's a conclusion or resolution. Not with a narcissist.
Knowing a Narcissist, knowing even in depth of what a narcissist is made of and educating oneself is NOT the same as being married to one. Please, don't even try a debate unless you were in a relationship with one, raised by one. Shit even are one. Because it's not near the same thing. I advise stay with the book version because you don't want a live case study in your lap.
I debated on writing about it because sadly I am in love with a guy with no empathy. Who destroys others. Don't ask I'm still assessing my committal percentage just stating that. That's it though, we aren't psycho. Not crazy. It's something designed. And I decided I didn't know what the fuck was going on as educated as I am. As two decades of in the field volunteer experience failed to help me. So I think it would have helped knowing others were as confused as I was. Or that support groups were better. Felt like no one really opened up and even with other survivors, they didn't speak freely.
So, I guess I'm doing this and sharing so others have the accessibility to know you aren't alone and not psycho. And how you realize what I have. Why things are certain ways. Why it won't make sense.
And because I don't need to do the only tried true end of no contact ever. Bitch ain't coming back because let's be honest they can't handle what they can't at all control and that they get exposed. I wish that every women stay away from my husband be ause I can't handle all the hurt he's yet to cause.
Families of narcs won't help you. Asy sister on law 'Texas Barbie's said I'm "messy.* Bitch your brothers an evil man and your man's a police officer. Does he think I'm messy? His bro in law committed battery on his wife. They want to hide it. They want to ignore it because they gave up already. You speaking up? Wanting help? They want you to go away because only when you do will they just put their heads back in sand.
So good luck with them. Your family may just think it's you too but that's why it's important to tell my story. You won't make my mistakes. As intelligent as I am? I was ignorant of what casualties of narcissists are left behind. Destroyed.
I survived and definitely not destroyed but I almost was. I hope you stay open minded and understand it's humiliating realizing he lies about even love. Lied in his eyes kind of lying hurts a soul. So try to not be judgemental.
Wishing I Could Go Back To That Night
Meeting My Husband That First Time: Picture Saying Soulmates
The Truth: I’m an Extreme Empath Taught To Beat Narcissism or Am I Also One?
You want me to leave and you say you don’t need nor want me but you said that after you finally had 4 days of no contact from me. You were told that I’m shut down and my super empath born in born trait has been finally buried by the narcissist My dad raised to protect me. I never understood why being too close or to have my heart and had let someone in so close would be a vulnerability; but he was so adamant that the vulnerability was weakness that someone would use to get in and destroy every bit of who I am and that would destroy me overall. He told me just as a kid he had to protect me. From my mom and I don’t either affirm that or not because I was to young to recall any memory but he was always gone.
My father was in the Navy but his job was far more important than we could be told; it was classified so we never knew when he’d leave, where he’d go, how long he’d be gone. So when he was not home he worried all the time if I was being taken care of. When I was older he not only knew i was special in many ways, that I had been given gifts from God so rare he never met anyone else with them. The trouble for him is that he couldn’t always be there and he knew no one; not even as an adult, would protect me. That I was going to suffer and he couldn’t let it happen.
My dad taught me to be like him; it’s how I think he knew what someone could do and how and that he had the opposite of him standing in front of him and only trusted dad. She only wanted dad. But she was so opposite him that I think he was forced to realize the people he was having in his life were what he couldn’t let his daughter be.
He knew i felt everything. That I could empathize on a level that isn’t even explainable and that the emotions he couldn’t even teach her about. They we’re also so intense and they’d become overwhelming and she’d be drowning in what she was crying about. He couldn’t imagine her developing all those emotions and someone got close to her and love was normally the culprit so shed be drawn to narcissists it’s how it was and they’d be drawn to her. She will do anything for anyone and they know that she’s try so hard and not give up that it’s like a constant way to get their supply and if they did leave them they’d take them back every time. And to leave they’d take her heart and they’d destroy her with what they do when they leave.
That was the only thing my father I remember telling me. He couldn’t protect me all the time and if he didn’t he was afraid no one would and so he told me that he was going to make sure u never became that vulnerable. I know that he was so adamant about it I was really raised only to that. Weird thing if you didn’t realize what he was doing; is he kept teaching me things that you’d think emotions and empathy and compassion would be needed. But how could I feel those things after the only things allowed were so awful; my mom still doesn’t understand.
I understand now. After I decided after 30 years I wanted to feel and I opened up the floodgates.
I was allowed never to let anyone see anything. Not to say anything deep that others could use against me. I was to only show happiness. It didn’t matter if I felt it. Truthfully I don’t think I knew what I did or didn’t feel o was wasn’t taught other emotions like we teach our children. If i cried my dad wouldn’t allow it. He reminded me that we feel anger. Anger only. That after the anger leaves the hurt was never felt and gone. It’s why my husband says all I do is yell or I’m mad. I’m yelling sounding super mad “no it means I’m actually really hurt.”
To me it makes sense but happiness I learned is always smiling. Always positive. Always in a good mood and never anything else. I guess it might be why I literally am told constantly “how can you always be so happy and positive when you have been going through more than anyone does.” Well I never knew different. I hated my dad mad at me and I didn’t know there was anything else. Truthfully, I didn’t realize he was technically making me a narcissist. And I guess that with the empathy so far buried that I had never felt it until my 27th year; that I did become “just like my father.” People I told later years said that’s abuse and I stared at them confused. Why? Because he for some reason was insistent that I needed to never know different.
It worked for a long time. I could just flip a switch on anyone and leave. I went through my first husband cheating 13 times but I was mad about ind 8 month affair and just ended up shrugging off the rest because it wasn’t like my marriage wasn’t otherwise perfect so i didn’t get why I’m supposed to leave him. But I get it now: and worst part is I can’t ever let it sink in and believe my husbands a narcissist. When literally it looks like we are textbook and the way he left us textbook and he’s got the pattern. Because I let him in. I was completely vulnerable because I was truly in love with him as dysfunctional as it was around me he seemed to be what I never had or thought I’d have.
But before I go to my letter to him and explain the TRUTH of what he left and destroyed and turned in so many directions I still haven’t figured it out. I did some say..he’s a narcissist and he only does what benefits him. But I know I was different. Right…no…but was I? I was so confused until I looked back in what my dad instilled in me that he didn’t do the same with the siblings. Well, he buried the extreme empath before I knew what emotions were. So theoretically with teaching Me just anger and fake happiness with no empathy attached he created a narcissist. The thing was he didn’t leave me as the narcissist would be he said the way I treated people mattered. That I would not know what someone felt or what they were going through and I might not understand why they react to things and that when I am in the world that I needed to always remember that my actions snd words affected people on levels I won’t ever understand but that didn’t matter.
”keep a fire in your heart.”
That to me is creating a feeling. That the fire will burn forever and that it will be comforting for me to know I don’t burn any one’s flames out. I had to always smile at everyone. That smiling even though we call it fake happiness. We are spreading those smiles to people we don’t know need it. Like that girl at school with No friends. You smile wt her and that smile might make her go home and not commit suicide that she was planning. You didn’t know what your actions would do to someone. It was so important always say hi, always smile, always say nice things and if someone’s bullying another than you stand up for them.
He was so concerned that I wasn't keeping a female friend more than a year. That I was so quick to threaten to kick someone’s ass because a girl tried to say she was dating her best friend. I never understood what was normal or understand girls with crushes fantasize. So it was harder for me to not just cut people out my life for nothing. But I did want someone to love me but I didn’t know what love looked like and I defiantly didn’t know how to give it.
So even though I was a man made narcissist, I was a buried empath who was taught things to keep me from doing what real narcissists do. But I did. I still would cut people off. I wasn’t able to empathize with others lives. I was very blunt and analytical and constantly doing what would benefit me. There was never really an ulterior motive. But it had to be in some way helping me too or I’d make excuses I couldn’t.
So when I met my husband I think I wouldn’t ever have guessed narcissist because he did use the females he was messing with and he did seem to use his family or kids a bit but truthfully I didn’t see him using me. I didn’t think I was special or anything; I just thought that it was like me having my forever reliable and compared to a random or a boyfriend. But mind you I’m empathetic again and I spent a couple painful years figuring out I should have left the plug in and add a weight and chains so I never got tempted.
I remember being able to not feel but I didn’t know that I now had switching personalities. That my husband actually figured out. I Could still become that version of me but I hadn’t wanted to even though it was a rough road because the emotional storms and drowning created mental illness issues. I don’t think it’s illness I think it’s different ways to deal with the world and I felt that (using Chaz as his name) was like me too much I didn’t think that I’d be a victim at all.
Worst part is I’m about to write him the truth if the relationship that portrayed never existed. That the reasons he left were proved wrong and still it’s this it that and I can’t face the fact he didn’t love me and his use for me is over and he’s bored of me. And that fr didn’t ACTUALLY destroy me…or did he?
So I’m four days into finally switching to the man made narc but without the added teachings to make me not truly a real one. I am a real one and I have beaten the master of narcs…and he has never really talked to me since but the truth is, I do try to do it by the right reasons but I wanted to prove to my husband that he’s not capable of being the narc and that he didn’t take two years. But I can’t decide what he us.
But I can take what he’s done and said and say wait; let me give you the truth and the timeline and proof I’m telling the truth.
I had to switch to no feelings or I’d never have made it much further. I was literally torn apart and I was afraid I’d end up hurting myself. So I decided fine you faked two years but I’m going to at least get to say the truth of whatever I want before I go and because e-mail wasn’t able to hold it all; I knew I couldn’t send more than one because he’d see what it was and ignore it.
This isn’t public in the sense that it’s blasted on Facebook. it’s not even being written so he’s in a negative light because I’m not writing this to talk about the way he ended our marriage. Or to judge anyone. I want to take the things said and say the truth if it and so far mostly is proving my side that he left for no reason and he could leave and be termed the narc or he found realize that he didn’t have to go if he didn’t ever want to but I have to also understand Chad will never actually say hey I lied to you and my wife’s the one hurt sorry I used you but I’m going home lol.
At this point he’s making more and more things to hate me over and I have no idea why it’s gotten to this so he wants it ended I’m leaving but I’m going to put the truth here and he will read it because people can see if. Odds are no one he knows will but his character was already demolished so who knows what he’s going to do.
So I hope that everyone can stay impartial and that I believe one thing doesn’t mean it’s true. And its not about anything but how j can’t walk away without justification of my relationship because even the narc me is saying no it’s not right.
Please in your life don’t ever endorse any human being to be treated the way I was. I am still his wife and distraught and if you think it’s justified great but that could be wrong and hurting me what does that help!
Narcissist Leaving Victim: This Is How You Left, Was I Nothing?
Silence Is A Louder Response: If I Am So Wrong Than Answer The Question
"So silence is an answer too you know.
I’m only going to do one thing before I refuse to ever speak to you again.
I’m sending just you the truth."
I really don’t care that they don’t believe me; but I do care that you want to try convincing me that the lie is the truth.
Because I DO know the truth; the truth is we had come a long way, no one knew how hard we had worked to not lose each other. Or so I believed. Nothing is at face value. So I'm going to share all my thoughts. The tug of war with them. Actual facts and situations and what experts say.
Than I'm going to throw you a twist. Something not much researched. Because after? You will never ever make the mistakes I did. That now is some weird ass psychological phenomenon case study for me. I can't even stop withy hunger for learning when my heart got smashed
What Was Triggered: It couldn’t be what he said because theirs proof none of it was true
My Heart Had Come Back: Chaz Was Giving Me My Husband Bacn
Intentionally Triggered Switch: Welcome Back Sixxx - And All This Because His Wife Believed In Him
Narcissistic Against…Empath Victim? Narcissistic Empath…Can The Narc Be Beat?
Hypocritical : You said it “In person”
Ironic because the things you are complaining about or judging are what you said was the sane I said back then: so why not admit what you said?
Admitting that you said it? You aren’t lying when you than say but I think this now…
your words babe
“Most adults would explain what happened in person”
How Could He Leave? -We Were Doing So Well He’d Never Leave
2: It Was A Big Deal We Had Ten Great Days: His Eyes Were so Bright…Tried SO Hard
Wednesday was the night before he left to go up and “help Chris” and I was not feeling comfortable because it wasn’t like Him to know he’s riding a bus and on his birthday to help his friend move his brother. A brother that had gotten my husband arrested and everyone had put that on me and i didn’t even know that it happened.
But that day when he’s calling me …”BABY…GUESS WHAT?” He literally is like somehow on his knees in front of me and his face is like ridiculous happy. And his eyes are looking directly in mine and when he leans a little I’m thinking WTF is going on…and he says …”It’s Been TEN days babe!!! TEN days!!!”
I knew right away what he’s talking about. He’s never gone more than 5 days and normally 3 is max. That’s the amount of data he’s nice, loving, and than he is the biggest dick over everything and it can last up to a week before he starts to wonder why I’m not around him and he’s getting upset I am not cuddling things like that. He finally did this year when I was at Green Lake that week in Feb. We talked a lot that week and he didn’t seem to realize it was a legit pattern and said he’d start paying attention.
I didn’t believe him. A whole year and he’d not once did a thing he promised and he was so caught up in the drama and toxicity of the Co parenting he didn’t even see that I was the one getting hurt and he was now where they stuff is off limits so I knew it wouldn’t last if he said that. So I wasn’t hoping he’d pay attention:
But he did. So i felt that he understood that I never wanted to kick him out. I never wanted him to choose anyone over another. What I wanted was him to see that he knows that its toxic for me what they do and how my coparenting and kids is far from Toxic. in fact he was texting my first husband a bunch and had them on Facebook. So he could protect us and gave us as this family until they wanted to come but we didn’t have to have anything to do with the other. That he never had to choose because there is no reason anyone would need to. That he could have a happy home here and now he knew what I was trying to get him to see. I wanted to cry because I felt my husband finally wanted to be here and be happy and separate them from us: I never once got involved and never asked to know anything unless he told me. So I assumed there was no reason they had any right to demand anything because their dads life is not their business and we were so happy and I couldn’t believe how far we’d come I was definitely telling him how proud I was. He was even doing what he said in the card he gave me when he was asked to come home.
So hes saying now that he “hardly was trying.”
TRUTH: He has been trying so hard since February why wouldn’t he want to celebrate that: why would he say he’s hardly trying? The only reason he ever got kicked out was he went too far and wouldn’t stop and they was the rule. He had warnings and I suggested things to help him go cool off but he would have to see that this isn’t what we allow. So if it went to toxic he had to go so obviously he’s trying so hard if he made it ten days.
TRUTH: He did nothing but try this year. Why lie? you will see all through this showing a year of the marriage that he was trying and so was I. And that you didn’t see the majority of our year together. Why lie CR?!?! Why ne ashamed of me? And it’s the two you are with now!! Chris expected you to try because I had and truth is that I knew that trio was odd but why would they interfere? So again….
TRUTH IS ALL HE WANTED WAS US AnD ALL HE DID WAS TRY!
See you can’t deny that and say well he faked it or lied it will speak for itself. So he was telling them already lies and yet out all this work in? Well I will find out and if I lose my husband? Guess what you lose?
My Co-Worker and My Subordinate/My Friend: Was So Jealous And No Reason- He Was Throwing Us Away All Over Him?
Putting His (INSANE) Jealousy Over Anthony Aside To Help Him
So first? When my husband first had to realize we weren’t kidding that there is ZERO toxicity for no reason and when he had mocked that, went after my son, accused me of things that i can’t even entertain because this was why he was going to stay a few days in the car: Not so he’d be harmed. Not so I had power. Because he needed to not have it if he was not going to want to live his family and be happy. And he wasn’t supposed to have Fucktard friends that would enable him and take him in.
So like this female that thinks she’s bad ass and I’m the bad one thing is…she didn’t ask me why he’s get kicked out but Chris had so why was he still acting this way? Maybe his wife loved him more than you. Maybe his wife wanted him to actually see what other families have that he has no idea about? So when he’s going off In that text? He’s pissed I said than leave.
You can’t use me like you do everyone else, because you are changing and trying shows me that you want it.
So the crap you say to them? It’s to get enabled and they give it and you totally used them but you can’t pull the crap with me or so I thought.
TRUTH: My husband doesn’t really believe that I am doing anything wrong. He wants me to get defensive so that I engage and that he can disregard blame. He knows I don’t care if he is running his mouth. i didn’t say much except that he was unable to push anything on another. No one is in a car but him and he’s there fur violating the one rule. And that I don’t think anything is better and if you are saying that sarcastically he did listen better.
His issues aren’t my business to have any opinion in. However my husbands are fully what I have a problem with: than the sarcastic dumb shit is always wrong too. Yes he really wasn’t over her. We have never been attracted to each other. I do care about his drug issue because he’s had ten years sober and I care that instead of worrying about what you did you are deflecting and that will never get you in the house.
TRUTH: The facts ended up the same as they still are. My husband did let all his jealousy aside. Which he’d never do snd id get grilled over picking him up for work. But he knew I was scared and worried and he called me and it was his idea I take care of him and he’d be home Saturday and take over.
And that he was worried that the behavior was way too much and that I was going to protect him and end up losing my job. So he did get concerned. But he really did care and for him to say it’s okay to bring him home and have him try to sleep and I chose not to.
But for my husband to talk to me two days all day and night and hear my fear and offer that option; there’s no doubt he was trying. He was making choices that he’s gain nothing from and putting me first.
So the truth is he also was being a better person showing maybe he wasn’t narcissistic and that he was doing it to genuinely help. Even though he was normally using whoever he was around.
In fact he admits to using them right here when he agrees that was the FIRST time he didn’t use anyone other than his wife.
Two Days Of My Personal Hell- Did He See It?
Passing The Blame: No Accountability
He would just run his mouth and for being angry for what? His mistake and the fact he didn’t respect the agreement that we made and he agreed to. He shkukd be in the car trying not to let it happen again and had he day 1 said DAMN I see what she is saying and I have a choice I don’t have to agree and go and be somewhere else or I could learn What is the problems that they want eliminated and hold yourself accountable.
TRUTH: Reason he stayed kicked out mostly because he do dumb shit like say,”Well at least you get a back up or fuck buddy.” and he wasn’t trying to get me to boot him he couldn’t stop trying to intimidate me or get me to defend anything. So he left to Chris with the truth if trying so hard, the truth that he was getting kicked out because he knew he got abusive than instead of addressing it he stayed there so long because he sat trying to make it my fault.
TRUTH: He hated that I had control at first. I did expect him to leave..and i expected the push back to see how no nonsense I was or if he could play the system. He tested the system and hated the loss of control but in the end stated ten days and happier than ever.
TRUTH: It was obvious that he wasn’t going up to help move the brother. He had left and a notebook paper was sitting right by the ladder by the door. The thing is I was disappointed he’d lie about it. He didn’t have to stay with me and I told him that. I understood that he might not want that level of line or want someone that I used to be and wasn’t anymore . He said he would not give me up after he has chased me everyone I tried to leave and that he couldn’t live without me because I “just see him.” And that he has never loved someone so much that hes never cheated On them.
TRUTH: physical touch is what he sees as showing love so he believes cheating in the way that crushes hearts is physical sex. I believe it’s emotionally cheating on line in messages snd binding with anyone that you should be doing with me. But he was so determined I understand that he has never been faithful but he has never cheated on me so don’t ever worry when he leaves.
TRUTH: He has never once left me. Not even threatened. He just couldn’t leave me. He was not going to let me be with anyone else but he was chasing me constantly. He did not do it to prove a point. Truth is he came home like he was going to. And That he wasn’t happy about the situation he felt was not what he was thinking. But he truth? Came back already in a mood and he was already combative.
Truth or Lie: Did he come back knowing he was having yo choose to go back over me? Or did he think that I cheated and on drugs lying is legit and went to his house because I was scaring him?
Update: Truth Versus lies & What You Didn’t See
I have not lied once yet. I have proof, I have details and I am also trying to Come to the end so we have a conclusion if I am just blind. Am I the one that got played?
To have a man change that much how can they not be real?
But I the only one who saw all this? What did he say otherwise? Why can’t everyone just put it out there? Why would they not want to tell me?
So Is my truth a mirage? Or did it exist outside my head?
I still feel that this isn’t stuff you fake.
But it bothered me that he was keeping us so secret.
I never wanted anyone to specifically know we had been working in things since New Years technically. I had felt that those times were so important to the foundation we weren’t allowed to build because baby mom didn’t want to see him give to another wife what she had desperately wanted from him and got nothing but that narcissist version. But I don’t think she ever took responsibility for failing him bad enough he turned into that because he was damaged and than when he went on to Nicole; she never tried to figure our who he was and baby mom flat out told me that she’s get rid of me. That she would make sure that my husband stayed that douche bag that she was convinced he’d always be. The kids used against me too but thing is; he always was different and he still is even if you take him from me? He will always only have had real with me: and it’s up to him to save it or not but I CAN prove that what the issue is no one knows him like I do. You dint know if he told me he did that it why he did or if I was told to wait.
So it won’t matter wtf you say or do or try. He knows that what he does it says affects my actions: But I am not doing it anymore after what happened this time. For not being told or explained and intentionally hurt. And I gave him the chance and I have said he knows the truth and I gave him the chance that he has chosen not to take.
Because I am going to prove that I am right and I know that you have no idea who he was or how close we were and that I’m the only one he’s ever been in love with and how you destroy him the minute he loses me but he’s scared to not choose what you want because the kids are doing it too. But he needs to see what they are making nothing and her no one comes between a God blessed marriage and that when it fines out he’s going to be the one suffering.
Though this is also going to be up because I want him to see that’s it’s okay he felt he had to choose finally. But I wanted him to see that everyone else will also see who we were really. Maybe he forgot. Maybe he really was over me. However, I deserve that our love was seen as real and i wasn’t his narcissist victim. I will never believe I was. And I’m going to show you why; and I’m going to prove that he didn’t leave me someone made him.
Because there is NO way that he could fake it. And no way he should have to be making the choice to leave me and it ends up destroy me. That he did do. And I’m guessing because he’s hurting and for some reason has to not come home. If this was what he wanted he wouldn’t be hurting me as much as he can. Than he’d just go away quietly and he wouldn’t gi days no contact for him to find more things to hurt her with. Maybe I did something I dont know about; I dont think anyone will ever know but I’m going to make damn sure that you see and he sees why I’m not the narcs made up love for two years. I won’t let that be diminished just because that’s what he’s always done. That people don’t realize what narcs may have become from.
So here is the inside of our relationship no one was seeing and we has with no one trying to break us.
WTF?! Why Is That To Laugh About?
Sometimes It IS A Message: When Is It A Joke On You
I don’t know why they felt making another page or that it was under his friends name that definitely betrayed me and that I only got my husband to come back out was him. When I did mean business and kicked him out i was so glad that he had gone to Chris house. I wasn’t very communicative because I wanted him to see that this was a big deal and truthfully I wasn’t wanting to ask him to come home. Than he went to Texas for his grandfathers 100th birthday and I was selfish and taking out my stress and my hidden hurt out in him. My go to was he’s really cheating on me and I don’t know why I’d do that because I knew he didn’t have it in him I think he’d have gotten sick lol. But I used it and I think I was feeling betrayed. I have never met his family/ the hiding me thing was hurtful in situations like that. I felt like he was embarrassed of me and I had been dealing with crazy druggie Janene and I think I was going to him so much because I was assuming he’d do what I was used to last year and that’s let me down. Blow me off. Not be there emotionally and he’d do that and I’d get angry enough to go file for divorce. I was so exhausted because he wasn’t seeing that I did this all for him and he isn’t realizing that I did show my love but yea bitching I kicked him out.
To me he wasn’t ever going to get it and i had just spent all that time being supportive , and praising him when he was finally the parent doing right by the daughter: he even snuck me in to see her and watched me almost collapse in a panic attack and tears because it was like my own daughter going where I had been and I hurt for her and my husband had to catch me so I wouldn’t hit the floor.
Its the baby mom though so that shit was non stop and it always was my husband that was defending himself or trying to get whet he did validated. So when it’s on his family? It doesn’t end: it becomes an obsession to prove to his ex that he’s not trash and she hurts him anyway and he ends up screaming at me I dont care about his kid and in reality sometimes I think I was the only one that did. It doesn’t help he’s drinking some. Yes my husbands amazing and no longer an all day until you black out alcoholic but I was always the one he took his exs shit out on.
I ignored it because I didn’t want him to get loud an mean and right before I was getting Alex( go and fuck it all up. He never realized I had Janene there because I wanted her to be pretending she’s so in top of her new chance. I wanted him to think shit I don’t want here and that he’d step up to show that she’s actually not doing shit and he has more to lose. He didn’t. He’s kind of obviously tunnel minded. He thought I was giving a stranger a chance instead of him but he did r realize that he was starting to create an environment no one wanted to be in and he couldn’t let they shit go.
So on top of that he’s not realizing he is doing exactly what made me want to leave him. And it’s not him. It’s that because that women is so toxic and well evil; she hurts that man on purpose/ So he doesn’t agree I don’t think but she knows that he will take it out in me or my kids so she gets to cause marital problems and get a kick out of having this goal I will not be in his life much longer. Problem was that he still was being emotional in his responses and he’d react before thinking. He wasn’t violent anymore and he did even yo seeing what he did but it was still always happening so he couldn’t get my attention i refused to react so when I’m in FaceTime with my oldest son; this guy thinks it’s smart to get nasty and make comments that were Asshole knew and my son didn’t know yet I let him come back so my son shook his head hanging up.
So it was a huge fuck up. He had made my kids feel verbally abused and unloved and my youngest had to go back to dads because I couldn’t justify keeping my son in that toxicity: and his father finds out my husbands back? He’d yank my kid. So I sent him off go figure it out you aren’t going to make my kid suffer you have to choose to treat us better and you had to earn the right to come home.
When he was in Texas I didn’t know that Chris was told mu husbands staying out there. I dont think anyone was going to tell me because this kicking him out thing yet again…was being judged and talked about when they never asked me why. So I had been dealing with drug lady and my husband had been there for me the entire time as he juggled the family and I was actually shocked and I started hysterically crying and begged him to finally come home and because it was MY husband back and Chris did that. So when he gets back to Wisconsin Chris I guess is mad because he said that he was lied to and that he needed to go home and realize if it didn’t work it wasn’t my fault it was his.
Now I don’t believe it’s anyone fault but he hadn’t enabled him and he had brought back the husband I had g seen in his eyes in so long I gave up. Now I didn’t want to get him because he’s being an Asshole and yelling at me the car ran out of gas and I rolled my eyes going okay see you want me to go see youb a day with you and go to waterfalls and I am supposed to want to when did you really change?
I got out of the car as he is standing there….
I grabbed him in my arms crying so hard that he’s back and I was afraid to let him go. See when he comes back? I will go right back to that wife and it’s just natural. So when he says he wants his wife back it’s because it’s not that man. That day I will never Forget. Now that time Chris was my angel. I had given up on looking in his eyes and seeing my baby. I couldn’t get over that he’s right in front of me and I was so afraid he’d disappear again. But I had to realize that he’s still in there so not to give up because he’s in there you just have to find him.
Well when we got home I couldn’t get him to touch me enough: I was so afraid to even touch him but when he rolled in top of me I could feel his heart beat and he looked into my eyes and kissing him was the most emotional moment I could have. I don’t think he understood that he and I needed to get out of here because the overwhelming feelings we had was almost too much/ I might have cried/
The card he gave me I could tell was different too because he’s not taking in short sentences narcs use because they can be used for anyone. This card was hard for me to believe he wrote it. I needed to read that and the real guy inside that his real feelings are what’s written there and I wanted to have that because it would be my guideline on if I leave it if it’s the wrong husband talking/ and that’s what’s bull shit now.
I have been writing this all night and I know I’m wasting my day. I never thought I’d be walking away abd yea hating me and my card means nothing when you have been terrorized and ripped apart not just by him or the “friends” but by the people throwing him under the bus and truth is I know he’s not coming back and he’s gone and I won’t ever know why but I will always have his words and this words still make me cry because that’s what she needed to know and feel and that I needed to realize that to get my husband and keep him I had to get us away from these people no one wanted to support us and I still say it’s because if he’s with me you all lose that control.
They win. He said hes better off and he doesn’t need me it want me and I got my heart just ripped out. I don’t know if he will ever realize how amazing we are. They made him forget. I was destroyed and I think I might have to be out in Suicide watch and make sure that I dont do what I ended up doing: he won’t ever care anyway. I need to cope
I need to just try to remember he doesn’t exist. Not anymore but his words are and his spirit does but to walk away because you won’t be able to watch it.
I hope if he ever does read this that he reads his Jen words and know I am here. Never too late to go fix it because otherwise she will be empty too.
So I guess I really believed that the Facebook post that was Chris and obviously my husband that it was coming off as laughing at me. But (and I hope I still have it) I did get a cryptic message that he basically knew I was freaking out because I had noticed that he was hiding our contact so I knew it had to be a girl but he than ghosted fully and I knew that couldn’t be if the communication went from point A to nothing. Why would a girl be the reason? I never could control him but as much as he recently tried to get me to think it her as him who the fuck knew. At that point we didn’t know we had completely different things that happened that night but I guess I had blown him up so much that if it wasn’t laughing at me; meant he snuck me a message: it’s why I want to find what made me know it was him. He was telling me that he had no choice and to stay there he had to prove yo those currently in his life that I was gone and so what would you get from that? Your husbands being told he couldn’t even talk to the wife in an emergency. That he couldn’t help us and he had to basically act like we didn’t exist. I could see why he found a way to tell me they was him because that made sense but I was so angry why would he let a female do that. He already knew he could come home even if he didn’t want me. But he’s still there I don’t get it. So of course I was still contacting him and I wasn’t going to stop because he’s leaving me messages and he’s laughing not at me but to laugh that they are that stupid.
See here us where his friend Scott upset me because I know what he tended to do. He’d tell me. He told me that he’d always have a reason and that since I had him over two years explain it I knew when it was real or not and to know when he did it. So I went with what he taught me.
But supposedly it was being done to me and it really didn’t seem feasible he’d even get away with that. He knew I knew everything he did. Shit he told me what he was doing at first that’s how I knew he had used then and set up a situation using what he had to do he’d have a place to live.
So I think it just gets so confusing because I don’t even know if he’s the one hurting me. Why she’s holding.. him so tight. All I can hope is that he sees the card he wrote only couple months ago to me. That he isn't the one doing this.
“I want to come home; but only if you really want me to because I never want you to feel that I made you have me come home,.I went to come home and each give 11
That’s What He Would Really Want: I miss him so much my heart even aches when I can’t feel anything
I Didn’t Know Where He Was: Than His “Friend” Shattered My Entire Marriage
I Want To Go Back To That Night And Pick Him Up At The Bus Stop
He left and it wasn’t hard and I think that this is where he thinks I was mind fucking him but it’s where I realized that he didn’t know the truth. He believed that I lied and was on meth for three days and I was jeopardizing my job. That I was with Anthony and I was not really at work and I had come home so late and was acting so strange that he was so angry so fast. See meth for days you look so much like you do in a mental health crisis like I had. The EMS thought I had schizophrenia. The police weren’t interested in doing what I kept saying I needed. I knew what to do and what I needed and how to get stable but no one cared. Now that’s the next day. I didn’t want him seeing what I felt coming. I wanted to protect him from a side of me o didn’t ask for. A dude he’s the only one that had seen what it was. But I couldn’t ask him for help he was trying to stop me from leaving and I was so ashamed. I knew I was in trouble and I didn’t know what to do because he still thought it was drugs.
The night before we both recorded the shit that hit the fan in the car. He was trying to prove drug use and apparently that I’m dangerous because when he got arrested somehow I ended up kicking him out? No that was the police! Not me! So I do feel betrayed because i was trying to keep him from seeing me that way abd because he was so angry and a liar I didn’t want him to be ashamed of me and who I was. Plus I didn’t know what was going on but I knew it wasn’t a good thing.
So turns out Amber is the one that caught the spilt personality but she never got to give my husband the screen shots: that personality scared her, She didn’t even know if I knew about them but I did this one was new and because it was a conspiracy no name one it was triggered by the work thing: the fact they refused to listen to me that I wasn’t able to do it and they made me: they made me not able to call m husband Saturday and I lost it at some Point.
I just wanted him to not think that about me. I wouldn’t lie to him: why was he always thinking that? But after EMS cleared me as a mental health crisis not one of them helped us, they didn’t tell my husband I wasn’t on drugs. Or tell him that I was scared that he needed to be told that I’m not on drugs but it was all not true and the police outright lied to him. And nothing I prove will matter: I did nothing but come home affected by bad choices by my job and rep.
Truth is after he was honest why it’s an issue I totally was in side with him; especially if he had come that far than it was like false happiness or something because he was having a right to not want to be dealing with that: also right that it’s toxic and that would cause him to need to get his life together because I just took his life away and he had to start over. But he didn’t.
And I wish u could just rewind and be there to grab him when he got off the bus.
I dont know what happened after he left because I wasn’t the person he said of thought. I had proof and so I don’t get why he ghosted me than got mad and would not do what I said to and I’d leave that day. And he knows that I will defend him and I did off the stuff I had no idea if I was right only to he laughed at and made fun of but I wasn’t ever given that easy thing to do and I’d leave. Than I see his photos and I know my husband something’s wrong yet he’s trying to tell me that chick is his girlfriend and has no control over if he contacts me but doesn’t she? Or that he’s so happy and likes his life and that I’m crazy but I am looking at this guys pictures saying why are you lying?
Or why he says he’s putting his life together and I see everything way below what we had but he says I’m this awful person? Than says things after I stop contact that he needs to really hurt me more? I dint even know why yes hurting me. If he wanted me to leave and didn’t love me than why can’t he tell me if he knows I’m going to leave? Why did she know nothing about me sending divorce papers or asking fir an address and says send them to her and she’d make sure they got signed . Why would I want you to “make sure” if he’s not telling you and he hasn’t filled the e-file out and send it back why the fuck do you think I’m having you get a hold of it. Why would he need you to telk him to sign anything. And if he wanted to make me think that he’s in control of himself that’s obvious it really wasn’t him I could tell who was who.
He sends me different signals and he was the one that did have me call him so why would he hang up and leave me like that? Because he didn’t sound like he hated me he told me what was happening. So why is he there but but not. Is that him when he’s nasty?
See I can’t wonder anymore: I need to go and im so non functional I have no job because I can’t function long enough rent check bounced and I can’t move forward because I can’t let myself accept that I was played and I was used and that people are shitty. I will never not wait to see if you come home so I had to be the narc but know that it’s Day 5 and this has to be what I’m sure I want to leave you with. That I need to make sure I have nit missed something because I will be walking away and I will have all contact ways erased or hidden and this will be posted public only until anyone that has access us time he’s read it. Most likely I will insist that it’s public because I want people to see that others can do to ruin something for you and you don’t even realize it
July 17, 1979 My 42 Birthday Was The Best One Because Of My Husband
My Birthday Started As A Surprise At Our Favorite Lake
My Family On My 41 Birthday: My Husband Was My Heart
My Birthday Was Another Day Just Ours
My husband opened up a lot to me and I want to try and show that he wasn’t the person I was told he was. So maybe it’s understood why I went from let him do what he needs to. Even if that meant he’s sleeping with someone else. I didn’t need to know because if he’s not telling me than he will when he’s ready. Yes I know he technically was off grid. Yes it bothered me he couldn’t feel by all we grew this year that he didn’t come to me; but I also felt if he didn’t there’s a reason. I was fine and three weeks in I was devastated when I realized he was really leaving me, he never had ever been the one leaving so something was wrong. I couldnt make him talk to me. I couldn’t believe he said
“Its over. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you because I do but we are toxic.”
Thing is no one knows that we aren’t toxic. Or the real story. They want me gone because when it was at its peak instead of doing what every other female did I didn’t make it go away. Because I knew there was more to him and it broke my heart that because police are now an issue they want to blame me. That when the battery happened that I was tossed out like garbage instead of showing I’m right that he’s enabled and listen to me. I know things and when his sister told me
“We gave up on him a long time ago…”
So because you gave up, and his real dad your mom ran from was because of this but worse, you are going to make me go through it alone? Why? Because I brought out a problem that my husband had and you didn’t want to deal with it. You want it swept away. But sweeping it away made my husband feel you were ashamed of him: that you judged him. That you couldn’t live him and support him so he lived feeling that no one really saw who he was and cared to say why is he doing this?
But his dad had and when he died my husband had no one until he met me. Not one person in his life was wanting to know him. Or what he wanted. What made him happy. Why he drank or why he used to have an addiction that he let destroy his life and family. They just let it happen again and again and I’m the one they choose to blame?
They also didn’t like that I made my husband feel he could demand he was respected. They didn’t like if he was foing wrong I had no problem speaking out on social media because no one was listening. I never did that to hurt him. I did it so people realized that with out speaking up his would be face it? How would we ever get victims to speak up so they weren’t alone? My husband didn’t want to hurt me that night but why was I shuffled off? Why wasn’t this being a family issue? Why was I the sober one that got help yet I’m the problem?
Because they all are why it was still a problem and they did not once care what my intentions were. I refused to allow behavior I knew he was better than. If I didn’t care who would? Was I lonely? Yes. Lost? Yea. Did I love my husband so much I didn’t care what I went through I cared I was there to make him see that he can choose a better way.
What narcissist people care about are only things that benefit them. So yes I was told that His last ex was never given things or he’d not do something for her. That later he felt bad but at the time he was only trying when she left him or she’d ghost him. He didn’t do a whole lot that first year but he did more than he did for anyone else. Did he benefit?
My 40th birthday we didn’t have much money. We both had barely started life in WI let alone together and he had taken me and two kids to the lake. Had a card and cupcake and sang happy birthday and made it a big deal. He didn’t get a thing out of that. You know what I remember him saying?
”I know it’s not much but I wanted you to feel special.“
You can argue so many reasons it’s still narcissistic but we both had barely any money. We both had issues we were dealing with it running from and he had a whole town that hated him. Now his kids mom was treating me badly and he didn’t understand why she had never before but now she was. He took the time to make sure I felt special. Because to him I was. That right there was where I felt this connection and its been ripped apart by those he’s known ten plus years. But you can’t take that away. 41 birthday he didn’t get as into but he made sure all my kids and some of his all got to go to dinner. He may have seemed not into me but he was worried about so much more and it was us…his family.
The deciding factor for me that is why I want to share this is because after all that crap where everyone made me leave; he ended up just keeping me hidden. He didn’t want to tell them because they all have these opinions but fact is they didn’t have to be a part of my marriage and I didn’t need to be their parent. They were all older it old enough that if they wanted to have that relationship with him they would. This time as I saw it they couldn’t blame me.
We had been separated and I know that it was hard in him but when u got the house and filled it and was taking all that stress from him I thought that he would understand. I did it for him but he still was taking it out on me but we were working hard on making sure that we started investing in each other.
I was the happiest I’d been in any special day because he took me all over and we went to estate sales and he’d see me get excited I saw something and he’d want to get it. The shorts he picked out I still haven’t worn because they were the ones he wanted to see me in. We sang ti the radio and he made me laugh a lot: I hadn’t been that happy. I missed my husband and I shut my feelings down and I was feeling what made me love him. He was my heart. And I am glad we took pictures even though we couldn’t share them. The two people in that photo had to hide that. They got so used to acting like the other wasn’t around and i think my husband forgot all the things that shows we weren’t toxic. That when we were left alone how happy we were so I’m hoping that he does see this. Because it’s easy to forget these moments because we couldn’t share it.
Asylum Lighthouse: My Husband Has Given Me Happiness
Day Date: Oshkosh Asylum Lighthouse
My Baby: Heartbreaking to See His Photos Now
He Started A Part Of Me
“When I Finally Know You Won’t Threaten To Leave? I will But You Your a Wedding Rin
When He Told Me He Wants To Buy My Ring
This is hard for me to remember but I feel if it’s over and he wants to hate me so much? It’s important I give all the things I can to show him that he doesn’t even remember how good this year was. He is unfairly constantly forced to hear things about his wife (that I know he’s sheltered me from because they would hurt me. That he’s had to be complacent or agree with people so they wouldn’t keep going and that’s one reason he’s refused to let me see his phone.)
I try to remember that I have had to do it too. CD wouldn’t have helped me had he known that my husband had a choice that I wasn’t wanting to leave him. I think that all the people around us really made us forget what we did have that was so special. That the connection we had was something we didn’t plan on. That we both were protecting ourselves from being hurt and we didn’t let anyone in and we may have blamed that in why we just them.
But one day right before we had gone for my birthday and he surprised me ti get a ring I remember him saying that he really hated I was so worried about girls that i always accused him he talked to. He said that fir him; cheating wasn’t like it was for me and that he NEVER cheated on me: he said that he wanted me to know that because I’m the only one he can’t cheat on. That he loved we way more than Nic. That he didn’t even think that he’d be able to ever lose me. I’m not sure exactly what had brought it on but I had been struggling on him showing love and that I felt that he was just using me and he got very upset. He didn’t yell or anything but he looked at me and he said he had never wanted to admit that he used Christina. Or that Nic would go ghost two weeks and he knew they weren’t broken up but he’d go off and fuck Random girls: and how bad he did shit to baby mom. That he was never faithful. And that truthfully he didnt think twice if he needed something he’d use someone that liked him to get it. The fact I though would say that he was hurt. He said that not once did he use me and that now that he knew that there’s no way he’d do anything where I could ever think that he wasn’t in love with me.
I remember when he told me why we were at Walmart jewelry I didn’t quite catch that he was really doing it. I thought he was teasing. I honestly believed his way of saying that he’s not really in love with me was that he refused to buy me a ring. He had this sweet smile in his face looking at me and asked to pick two because he was curious if we’d pick the same ones. When I did he just smiled brighter and said that he’s actually surprised but really happy that i would know; that I could get it. I think when they ring was being tried in my finger he said he’s never seen that happy giddy glow before. I didn’t tell him that i didn’t believe that he’d ever buy me one. The fact even that’s what he made sure to get from the car and put in my stuff when he was than walking away and I’m so confused?
I honestly thought since he knew how important that ring meant to me; and that I barely got it…that he was giving it to me so I’d know that he’s coming back. There’s just no way that after his face seeing me balky in a way I’ve never been; that he’d leave me. That day when I picked up the ring I know him abd I had been arguing and we had rough patches to get through but I sent him a picture it was on my hand. I even had kept wearing mine and had his in my right hand when he left me. I in my heart couldn’t just push aside the husband he had become. I couldn’t ever see him just giving up on me when he didn’t talk to me yet to know that it was not what he thought.
I can’t even look at my rings now. Wear his still on my right hand but I’m so beyond heart broken I just can’t believe that we have been through more than anyone and nothing was as he was giving up on me. I think I still can’t process that because if I did i would have to face the fact that he’s just a narcissist and I didn’t really have what I thought and maybe I was seeing something that was never really there. Because I had never had him try to leave. I wasn’t getting even a chance to tell him he’s leaving and he’s wrong.
But I dont think I ever stood a chance. Because he wasn’t going to stand against anyone to keep me: abd he is like me he can cover feelings and not really care and I was so sad that I had to take off that ring. I was beyond heartbroken because I will always see that smile if his that reminded me why I married him.
When Is It Him; Does She Pretend to be Him
That at first shocked me but he doesn’t talk like that. Why do I feel that it’s not him. I mean he tried to tell me Friday was all him but it was obvious it wasn’t and I would say that make him make me know it’s him and I get messages about the guy he has been asshurt I’m fucking around with. Than he’s telling me to call him on messenger but the message button disappeared and I was freaking out because it started to make me switch hard. He called me. He’s the one that told me I’m at home and its switching and what I wanted him to do but I forgot he was hours away and I’m begging saying how scared I was. And he hesitated I think than hung up but I knew he didn’t call the EMS. I was so confused and when I did finally get in again email I’ve got emails saying that it’s ridiculous and I was like wtf I’m not even in there I was oases our in Ativan but I’m so confused I just think it is him because it triggers switching and I’d hope that wasn’t intentional. I was so upset feeling he caused it than hung up and left me hanging so I went to the me with no actual emotions because I have gone 5 days no real contact and than when that popped up why would he say that? I’m doing what he wanted aren’t I? But it isn’t how he taljs so I decided I’m done. I don't know who that is. Why he is controlled maybe he’s not but she didn’t know that the exile papers were never signed and I didn’t want to hurt him. I want him happy but I couldn’t figure out who it was.
Volatile Hostile: Is that My husband or is punk rocker starting to get sloppy?
I dont know what is going in or if I’m just not wanting to think that man started talking like a female because he never did talk that way. So this is actually concerning at the moment. I hope that when the story unravels that no ind is hurt in a way that can’t be fixed because I had to agree this wasn’t sitting right but than again no one wants to think that he’s a narcissistic evil sociopath lol.
I will add more if I find anything to notate. I do think that it’s way too covert, that it’s sounding like maybe MAYBE our boys in trouble lol well as long as he is not fucking that women. And in no way is any if Abby going to hurt that man but maybe that’s what she’s trying yi do. It’s the first bitch that hides. you chicken shit? I’m asking because we are from the hood and so cal and can wipe the floor with you and not even think about it so be careful just how far y’all go. All we want is for her husband to have a clear and truthful look at the relationship that she really didn’t know what to do without.