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They Say I Married a Narcissist

Bachelors Degree in Organizational Behavioral Psychology with a background in Autism, Mental Health, Business Psychology. Sales Management,

Hardest Thing To Accept Is Everything You Knew Was A Lie

Las Vegas, Nevada, Clark County October 25,  2019

Las Vegas, Nevada, Clark County October 25, 2019

Wishing I Could Go Back To That Night

I Knew What He Was, I Didn't Listen To Myself

I wanted to be a person that never judges another individual, or even had done awful things in life; I'd give them a chance.

I look at them with new eyes.

I do that, because nothing I do feels will ever make some one see me, as ME.

It's this version of me that is based on things I'm not anymore.

Or things that I never did.

Or in between, I hate that these people can't look with new eyes.

So I do...all the time...to a fault. Way should a past fault even have substance to be honest?

I have a ridiculous amount of higher education, college degrees, intellectuals in my family…geniuses even.

I am word traveled and very much an empathetic and intuitive soul.

I'm a walking lie detector.

I know everything. See it all. So why in the world would I marry a Narcissist that tried to destroy me...literally?

That's just it.

I'm an empath.

The empath that's the highest of empath, and I can't imagine someone's capable of being that kind of person who would annihilate another human being.

I can't wrap my brain around someone who's that empty as a human being.

So I ignore they have red flags.

What if I'm wrong?

Scroll to Continue

Except I have never been wrong.

Not once.

I even stayed a year more just to make sure.

Made a case study out of my marriage.

You will see the tip of the iceberg if you read this. But, it's way more in depth.

I have analytical thought process constantly moving.

But, I honestly can't comprehend it. There is zero rationality in the things Narcissist people will do.

Have you ever tried arguing with one?

It is like banging your head against a brick wall for twelve hours. The entire process of banging your head into a brick wall is more productive, less painful than talking to one.

Seriously, you get more out of the debate with the wall. There's a conclusion or resolution. Not with a narcissist.

Knowing a Narcissist, knowing even in depth of what a narcissist is made of and educating oneself is NOT the same as being married to one. Please, don't even try a debate unless you were in a relationship with one, raised by one. Shit even are one. Because it's not near the same thing. I advise stay with the book version because you don't want a live case study in your lap.

I debated on writing about it because sadly I am in love with a guy with no empathy.

Who destroys others.

Don't ask, I'm still assessing my committal percentage just stating that.

That's it though, we aren't psycho.

Not crazy.

It's something designed.

I decided I didn't know what the fuck was going on, even as educated as I am.

As two decades of in the field volunteer experience failed to help me.

So I think it would have helped knowing others were as confused as I was. Or that support groups were better. Felt like no one really opened up and even with other survivors, they didn't speak freely.

So, I guess I'm doing this and sharing so others have the accessibility to know you aren't alone and not psycho.

And how you realize what I have. Why things are certain ways. Why it won't make sense.

There is also the fact that I don't need to do the only tried true, end of no contact ever.

Bitch ain't coming back because let's be honest, they can't handle anything with that much control, add that they get exposed.

I wish that every women realizes that they should stay away from my husband, This is beause I can't handle all the hurt he's yet to cause.

Families of narcs won't help you.

My sister-in-law ('Texas Barbie) said I'm "messy.*

Bitch, your brother is an evil man and your man's a police officer. Does he think I'm messy?

His brother-in-law committed battery on his wife.

They want to hide it.

They want to ignore it because they gave up already.

You speaking up? Wanting help? They want you to go away because only when you do will they just put their heads back in sand.

So good luck with them.

Your family may just think it's you too, but that's why it's important to tell my story.

You won't make my mistakes.

As intelligent as I am?

I was ignorant of what casualties of narcissists are left behind.

Destroyed.

I survived and eventually no longer destroyed, but I almost was.

I hope you stay open minded and understand it's humiliating realizing he lies about even love.

Lied in his eyes kind of lying hurts a soul. So try to not be judgemental.


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Meeting My Husband That First Time: The Horror Soon Spilled On My Lap

He was just perfect in that photo. We looked like we’d been dating awhile. The connection even pulled me away from someone I actually had a weird commitment too. He was a fire in me that couldn’t ever go out; he and I had this passion that was

He was just perfect in that photo. We looked like we’d been dating awhile. The connection even pulled me away from someone I actually had a weird commitment too. He was a fire in me that couldn’t ever go out; he and I had this passion that was

The Truth: I’m an Extreme Empath (Taught To Beat Narcissist)/Am I Also One?

You want me to leave, you say you don’t need (nor) want me, but you said that after you finally had four days of no contact from me.

You were told that I have shut down, knowing that’s my extreme empath trait I was born with. That it has been finally buried by the narcissist, My dad, who built me to protect me.

I never understood why being too close, or to have my heart and let someone in so close it would be an extreme vulnerability; but, he was so adamant that the vulnerability was weakness. That someone would use that to get in as far as they could and destroy every bit of who I am.

That would destroy me overall.

He told me he knew when I was just a toddler, he had to protect me.

From my mom.

I don’t confirm, nor deny, that because I was too young to recall any memory of this incident, but he was always gone.

My father was in the Navy, but his job was far more important than we could be told; it was classified so we never knew when he’d leave, where he’d go, how long he’d be gone.

So when he was not home, he worried all the time. Was I was being taken care of?

When I was older he not only knew i was special, in many ways, but that I had been given gifts from God that were rare to find in someone.

He never met anyone else with all of them.

The trouble for him, he couldn’t always be there. He knew that no one; not even as an adult, would protect me.

That I was going to suffer and he couldn’t let it happen.

My dad taught me to be like him; it’s how I think he knew what someone could do and how they would do it. That he had the opposite of him standing in front of him and only trusted dad.

She only wanted dad.

But she was so opposite of him, that I think he was forced to realize that these kind of people he was having in his life, were what he couldn’t let his daughter be.

He knew i felt everything.

That I could empathize on a level that isn’t even explainable, and the emotions he couldn’t even teach her about.

They were also so intense, and they’d become overwhelming. She would be drowning in what she was crying about.

He couldn’t imagine her developing all those emotions, letting someone gent close to her, and love was normally the culprit.

So she would be drawn to narcissists, it’s how it was, and they’d be drawn to her.

She will do anything for anyone. They would know that she will try so hard, not give up. That its like a constant way to get their supply, and if they did leave her. The narcissist wouldn’t take her back every time. And to leave, they’d take her heart and they’d destroy her with what they do when they leave.

That was the only thing my father I remember telling me.

He couldn’t protect me all the time, and if he didn’t he was afraid no one would.

So he told me that he was going to make sure that she never became that vulnerable

I know that he was so adamant about it, I was really raised only to that.

Weird thing, if you didn’t realize what he was doing; is he kept teaching me things that you’d think emotions and empathy and compassion would be needed.

But how could I feel those things after the only things allowed were so awful; my mom still doesn’t understand.

I understand now.

After I decided after 30 years I wanted to feel and I opened up the floodgates.

I was allowed never to let anyone see anything.

Not to say anything deep that others could use against me.

I was to only show happiness.

It didn’t matter if I felt it.

Truthfully, I don’t think I knew what I did or didn’t feel. Or if I was, or wasn’t taught, other emotions (like we teach our children).

If i cried my dad wouldn’t allow it.

He reminded me that we feel anger.

Anger only.

That after the anger leaves, than the hurt was never felt, and gone.

It’s why my husband says all I do is yell or I’m mad. I’m yelling sounding super mad “no it means I’m actually really hurt.”

To me it makes sense, but happiness? That I learned is always smiling.

Always positive.

Always in a good mood and never anything else.

I guess it might be why I literally am told constantly “how can you always be so happy and positive when you have been going through more than anyone does?”

Well I never knew different.

I hated my dad mad at me, and I didn’t know there was anything else.

Truthfully, I didn’t realize he was technically making me a narcissist.

And I guess combined with the empathy, so far buried, that I had never felt it until my 27th year; that I did become “just like my father.”

People I told in later years, stated that in itself is abuse. I stared at them confused.

Why?

Because, for some reason he was increasingly insistent, that I needed to never know different.

It worked for a long time.

I could just flip a switch on anyone and leave. I

went through my first husband cheating 13 times, but I was mad about it until the 8 month affair. Than I just ended up shrugging off the rest, because it wasn’t like my marriage wasn’t otherwise perfect.

So, i didn’t get why I’m supposed to leave him.

But I get it now, and worst part of it is, I can’t ever let it sink in so J believe my husbands a narcissist.

When literally, it looks like we are textbook narcissistic abusive couple, and the way he left us is textbook. He nailed the pattern.

Because I let him in.

I was not completely vulnerable, because I was truly in love with him. (As dysfunctional as it was.) Around me he seemed to be what I never had or thought I’d have.

But before I go to my letter to him and explain the TRUTH of what he left, then proceeds to systematically destroy. Who turned in so many directions that I still haven’t figured it out.

I did (some say) state he’s a narcissist, and he only does what benefits him.

But I know I was different.

Right…no…but was I?

I was so confused. At least until I looked back and inventories what my dad had instilled in me.

The specific things he had instilled in me, he didn’t do the same with the siblings.

Well, he buried the extreme empath, before I knew what emotions were.

So theoretically, with teaching me to feel just anger, and fake happiness with no empathy attached, he created a narcissist.

The thing was, he didn’t leave me as the narcissist that we are all seeing is textbook.

He told me that the way I treated people mattered.

That I would not know what someone felt, or what they were going through, and I might not understand why they react to things the way they do. That when I am in the world, that I needed to always remember my actions snd words affected people. It affected the on levels I won’t ever understand but that didn’t matter.

keep a fire in your heart.”

That to me is creating a feeling.

That the fire will burn forever, and that it will be comforting for me to know I don’t burn any one’s flames out.

I had to always smile at everyone.

That smiling, even though we call it fake happiness, is contagious. We are spreading those smiles to people we don’t know, who need it. Like that girl at school with no friends.

You smile at her and that smile might make her go home, and not commit suicide that she was planning.

You didn’t know what your actions would do to someone.

It was so important always to politely say hi, always smile, always say nice things and if someone’s bullying another than you stand up for them.


He was so concerned that I wasn't keeping a female friend more than a year.

That I was so quick to threaten to kick someone’s ass because a girl tried to say she was dating her best friend.

I never understood what was normal, I could never understand girls with crushes and fantasize about some guy on TV they will never meet.

So it was harder for me to not just cut people out my life for nothing.

But I did want someone to love me.

I didn’t know what love looked like and I defiantly didn’t know how to give it.


So even though I was a man-made narcissist, and I was also a buried empath, one who had been taught things to keep me from doing what real narcissists do.

But I did.

I still would cut people off.

I wasn’t able to empathize with others lives.

I was very blunt and analytical and constantly doing what would benefit me.

There was never really an ulterior motive.

But it had to be in some way helping me too or I’d make excuses I couldn’t.

So, when I met my husband, I think I wouldn’t ever have guessed that he was a narcissist, because he did not use the females he was hooking up with.

He did seem to use his family or kids a bit but truthfully, I didn’t see him using me.

I didn’t think I was special or anything; I just thought that it was like me having my forever reliable and compared to a random or a boyfriend.

But, mind you, I’m empathetic again. I spent a couple painful years figuring out I should have left the feelings locked in the box and had added a weight with chains so I never got tempted.

I remember being able to not feel, but I didn’t know that I now had switching personalities.

This fun fact my husband actually figured out.

I Could still become that version of me, but I hadn’t wanted to.

Even though it was a rough road, because the emotional storms and drowning created mental illness issues.

I don’t think I would classify it an illness. I think it’s different ways to deal with the world and I felt that (using Chad as his name) he was like me, too much.

I didn’t think that I’d be a victim at all.

Worst part, I’m about to write him the truth, that if the relationship that he portrayed never existed, if the reasons he left were proved wrong, and still it’s staying like this than I can’t believe love had existed.

I can’t face the fact he didn’t love me and his use for me is over.

That he’s bored of me.

And that in the end it didn’t ACTUALLY destroy me…or did he?

So I’m four days into finally switching to the man-made narc, but without the added teachings to make me not truly a real one. I

I am a real one. I have beaten the master of narcs…and he has never really talked to me since.

But, the truth is, I do try to do it by the right reasons.

I wanted to prove to my husband that he’s not capable of being the narc, and that he didn’t take two years.

But I can’t decide what he is.

But I can take what he’s done, the things he said and stop it; let me give you the truth and the timeline and proof I’m telling the truth.

I had to switch to no feelings or I’d never have made it much further.

I was literally torn apart, I was afraid I’d end up hurting myself.

So I decided that you faked two years, but I’m going to at least get to say the truth of whatever I want before I go.

Than because e-mail wasn’t able to hold it all; I knew I couldn’t send more than one because he’d see what it was and ignore it.


This wasn’t public in the sense that it’s blasted on Facebook. I republished it November 29, 2022 public, because I just read that the exposure of the narcissist is an important part of healing. As well as it holds the accountable to actions that hurt people.


I don’t think it’s been written in a negative light, because I’m not writing this to talk about the way he ended our marriage.

Or to judge anyone.

I want to take the things that were said and tell the truth.

It so far, proving my side, that Chad left for no reason.

That Chad could leave and be termed the narcissist or he can realize that he didn’t have to leave had he never wanted to.

I have to also understand Chad will never actually say “hey I lied to you” or “and my wife’s the one hurt.”

I have come to terms that he will never say “Im sorry I used you.”

Ive accepted that he’s never call me and say, “ I’m going home lol.”

At this point, he’s making more and more things that much easier to hate me over.

I have no idea why it’s gotten to this, so he wants it ended.

I’m leaving, but I’m going to put the truth out there and he will read it. Chad will read what he knows people can see.

Odds are no one he knows will, but his character was already demolished. So who knows what he’s going to do.

I hope that everyone can stay impartial because I can believe one thing, that doesn’t mean it’s true.

And its not about anything but how I can’t walk away without justification of my relationship, because even the narc I’m me is saying no it’s not right.

Please, in your life don’t ever endorse any human being, treated the way I was.

I am still his wife.

I had missed him and been distraught and if you think it’s justified, great.

But, that could be wrong

Gretchen never got it, but hurting me? What does that help!?



My Heart Had Come Back: Chad Was Giving Me My Husband Again

He had been showing all year that his words now meant something. That we had so many moments that sparked a flame that I finally knew he’s fighting for.  Than my world shattered overnight and he’s never even come to see me face to face to tell me

He had been showing all year that his words now meant something. That we had so many moments that sparked a flame that I finally knew he’s fighting for. Than my world shattered overnight and he’s never even come to see me face to face to tell me

Silence Is A Louder Response: “If I Am Wrong/Than Why Not Answer The Question

"So silence is an answer too you know.

I’m only going to do one thing before I refuse to ever speak to you again.

I’m sending just you, the truth." (Added public Nov2022.)

I really don’t care that they don’t believe me.

I do care that you want to try convincing me that the lie is the truth.

I DO know the truth.

Truth is that we had worked hard and come a long way. No one knew how hard we had worked to not lose each other.

Or so I believed.

Nothing is at face value.

So I'm going to share all my thoughts.

The tug of war with them.

Actual facts and situations and what experts say.

Than I'm going to throw you a twist.

Something not much researched. Because after? You will never ever make the mistakes I did.

That now is some weird ass psychological phenomenon case study for me. I can't even stop because I have a hunger for learning when my heart got smashed

This Is How You Left, Was I Nothing?

Never knew narcissists have a pattern or that they leave in such a way if destruction. As an empath I can’t comprehend the intentional pain they cause. Was this really who I married?

Never knew narcissists have a pattern or that they leave in such a way if destruction. As an empath I can’t comprehend the intentional pain they cause. Was this really who I married?

Intentionally Triggered Switch: - All Because His Wife Believed In Him

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Narcissistic Against…Empath Victim? Narcissist Empath

He had never had a reason to progress to the hatred he has intentionally looked for. There is the question is it that the Narc isn’t the one winning? Or is it that he’s not a narc but can’t admit he is wrong

He had never had a reason to progress to the hatred he has intentionally looked for. There is the question is it that the Narc isn’t the one winning? Or is it that he’s not a narc but can’t admit he is wrong

Hypocritical : You said it “In person”

Ironic because the things you are complaining about or judging are what you said was the same. I said that back then: so why not admit what you said?

Admitting that you said it?

You aren’t lying when you than say but I think this now…

your words babe

“Most adults would explain what happened in person”

How Could He Leave? -We Were Doing So Well He’d Never Leave

We had ten days that my husbabd was so proud of. He had been learning what happy was and hadn’t been trying to verbally attack anyone for now reason. His face was so happy and I had to let my guard down because I was so proud of him. It was HUGE❤️

We had ten days that my husbabd was so proud of. He had been learning what happy was and hadn’t been trying to verbally attack anyone for now reason. His face was so happy and I had to let my guard down because I was so proud of him. It was HUGE❤️

Ten Great Days: His Eyes Were so Bright, Never Understood What Happened

Wednesday was the night before he left to go up and “help Chris” and I was not feeling comfortable. All because it wasn’t like him to know he’s riding a bus on his birthday, all to help his friend move his brother.

A brother that had gotten my husband arrested and everyone had put that on me and i didn’t even know that it happened. Not to mention that, let’s be honest, my husband is selfish.

But that day when he’s calling me …”BABY…GUESS WHAT?”

He literally is somehow on his knees in front of me, his face is ridiculous happy.

I will always remember eyes are looking directly in mine and when he leans a little (I’m thinking WTF is going on) and says …”It’s Been TEN days babe!!! TEN days!!!”

I knew right away what he’s talking about.

(November 2022/ That still makes me choke up and still wish I knew what happened.)

He’s never gone more than 5 days and normally 3 is max.

That’s the amount of days he was nice, loving, and than he is the biggest dick over everything and it can last up to a week before he starts to wonder why I’m not around him

Always getting upset I am not cuddling and things like that.

He finally did this year when I was at Green Lake that week in Feb.

We talked a lot that week. He didn’t seem to realize it was a legit pattern and said he’d start paying attention.

I didn’t believe him.

A whole year and he’d not once did a thing he promised.

(November 2022/ He did for his girlfriend when he was ghosting his wife, and sleeping with her.)

Chad was so caught up in drama and toxicity of the Co-parenting with Krista that he didn’t even see that I was the one getting hurt. (There are days a year later I wonder if he didn’t notice, or just never cared.)

He was now where the stuff is off limits, so I knew it wouldn’t last if he said that.

So I wasn’t hoping he’d pay attention.

But he did.

So i felt that he understood that I never wanted to kick him out. I never wanted him to choose anyone over another.

What I wanted was him to see that he knows that its toxic for me, what they both do and how my coparenting with my kids is far from Toxic.

In fact he was texting my first husband a lot and had them on Facebook.

So, he could protect us and give us this family until his kids wanted to come.

However, we didn’t have to have anything to do with the other.

(2022 Nov. Truthfully, after I had read the CPS/Detective Report last year, I prefer that they keep their relationships separate from ours. The blatant lies and accusations were intentional and uncalled for. That behavior I don’t allow with my children. I never had mine interviewed either, his kids would have been in contempt.)

He just never had to choose, because there is no reason anyone would need to.

That he could have a happy home…here…and he now knew what I was trying to get him to see.

I wanted to cry, because I felt my husband finally wanted to be here. That he wanted to be happy and separate them from us.

I never once got involved, and never asked to know anything unless he told me.

So I assumed there was no reason they had any right to demand anything, because their dads life is not their business. The fact their father (we) were so happy should have been the only reason that mattered.

I couldn’t believe how far we’d come.

I was definitely telling him how proud I was.

He was even doing what he said in the card he gave me when I finally asked him to come home.

So hes saying now that he “hardly was trying.”


TRUTH: He has been trying so hard since February, why wouldn’t he want to celebrate that?

Why would he say he’s hardly trying?

The only reason he ever got kicked out was he went too far, he wouldn’t stop. That was the rule.

He had warnings and I suggested things to help him go cool off, but he would have to see that this isn’t what we allow.

So if it went to toxic, he had to go…so obviously he’s trying hard if he made it ten days.


TRUTH: He did nothing but try this year. Why lie? You will see all through this showing a year of the marriage that he was trying, so was I. You didn’t see the majority of our year together.

Why lie Chad Rourk? Why were you ashamed of me?

And it’s the two you are with now!!

Chris expected you to try…because I had.

Plain truth is, I knew that three of them was odd.

Why would they interfere?

So again….


TRUTH IS ALL HE WANTED WAS US AnD ALL HE DID WAS TRY!


See you can’t deny that and say well he faked it or lied it will speak for itself.

So he was telling them already lies and yet out all this work in?

Well I will find out and if I lose my husband?

Guess what you lose?

My Co-Worker and My Subordinate/My Friend: Was So Jealous And No Reason- He Was Throwing Us Away All Over Him?

He had this insane jealousy of my best friend now. I was never attracted to him. I was his boss. I was really in sync with him as a person si we became instant Beatles. But I would never ever give up my man for him. I’m fact I wanted him to like him.

He had this insane jealousy of my best friend now. I was never attracted to him. I was his boss. I was really in sync with him as a person si we became instant Beatles. But I would never ever give up my man for him. I’m fact I wanted him to like him.

Putting His (INSANE) Jealousy Set Aside To Help

So first? When my husband first had to realize we weren’t kidding, that there is ZERO toxicity for no reason. When he had mocked that, went after my son, accused me of things that i can’t even entertain as this was why he was going to stay a few days in the car,

Not so he’d be harmed.

Not so I had power.

Because he needed to not have it if he was not going to want to live his family. Lear. To be happy. He wasn’t supposed to have moronic asshole friends that would enable him and take him in.

So this female….

Lets just put that truth out there, she is not just a friend.

Her name is Gretchen and she was seeing my husband since March 2021.

Knowingly.

She is a proud homewrecker.

On top of all that, she thinks she’s a bad ass.

I’m the bad ass…the thing is…she didn’t ask me why he got kicked out but Chris had, so why was he still acting this way?

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt his wife loves him more than you.

Maybe his wife wanted him to actually see what other families have that he has no idea about?

So when he’s going off In that text? He’s pissed I said than leave.

You can’t use me like you do everyone else, because you are changing and trying shows me that you want it.

So the crap you say to them?

It’s to get enabled and they give it. You have totally used them, but you can’t pull that crap with me.


TRUTH: My husband doesn’t really believe that I am doing anything wrong. He wants me to get defensive, so that I engage and he can disregard blame.

He knows I don’t care if he is running his mouth.

i didn’t say much, except that he was unable to push anything on another.

No one is in a car, but him, and he’s there for violating the one rule.

And I don’t think anything is better if you are saying that sarcastically, he did listen better.

His issues aren’t my business to have any opinion in.

However my husbands are fully what I have a problem with.

This sarcastic dumb shit is always wrong too.

Yes, he really wasn’t over her.

We have never been attracted to each other.

I do care about his drug issue, because he’s had ten years sober.

I care that instead of worrying about what you did, you are deflecting, and that will never get you in the house.


TRUTH: The facts ended up the same as they still are. My husband did let all his jealousy aside. Which he’d never do and I’d get grilled over picking him up for work.

But he knew I was scared and worried. He called me and it was his idea I take care of him and he’d be home Saturday and take over. (Gretchen was later found out to have been with my husband and sleeping with my husband that weekend,)

And that he was worried that the behavior was way too much.

That I was going to protect him and end up losing my job.

So he did get concerned.

He also really did care for him to say it’s okay to bring him home, and have him try to sleep and I chose not to.

But for my husband to talk to me two days all day…and night…and hear my fear.

So he offers that option; there’s no doubt he was trying.

He was making choices that he’s gain nothing from and putting me first.

So the truth is, he also was being a better person showing maybe he wasn’t narcissistic, that he was doing it to genuinely help.

Even though he was normally using whoever he was around.


In fact he admits to using them right here when he agrees that was the FIRST time he didn’t use anyone other than his wife.

Two Days Of My Personal Hell- Did He See It?

The thing is he was never addressing the problem he accused me and than he’d make comments like offending my morales…

The thing is he was never addressing the problem he accused me and than he’d make comments like offending my morales…

WTF?! Why Is That To Laugh About?

To create another Facebook under the “friend” who got you back to me and now helping you destroy my heart; and obviously that’s my husband laughing at me. Why would he have to prove anything? Why tell me why? Ghosting you wouldn’t explain right? Wtf

To create another Facebook under the “friend” who got you back to me and now helping you destroy my heart; and obviously that’s my husband laughing at me. Why would he have to prove anything? Why tell me why? Ghosting you wouldn’t explain right? Wtf

Passing The Blame: No Accountability

He would just run his mouth and for being angry…for what?

His mistake… the fact he didn’t respect the agreement that we made….he agreed to.

He should be in the car trying not to let it happen again.

Had day 1 said DAMN I see what she is saying and I have a choice I don’t have to agree and go and be somewhere else or I could learn

What is the problems that they want eliminated and hold yourself accountable.


TRUTH: Reason he stayed kicked out mostly because he does dumb shit like say,”””Well at least you get a back up or fuck buddy.”

He wasn’t trying to get me to boot him, he couldn’t stop trying to intimidate me or get me to defend anything.

So he left to Chris with the truth, if trying so hard…the truth…. that he was getting kicked out because he knew he got abusive.

Instead of addressing it, he stayed there so long because he sat trying to make it my fault.


TRUTH: He hated that I had control at first. I did expect him to leave…and i expected the push back to see how no nonsense I was or if he could play the system.

He tested the system…hated the loss of control…but in the end stated ten days and happier than ever.

TRUTH: It was obvious that he wasn’t going up to help move the brother.

He had left and a notebook paper was sitting right by the ladder by the door.

The thing is, I was disappointed he’d lie about it.

He didn’t have to stay with me, and I told him that.

I understood that he might not want that level of line or want someone that I used to be and wasn’t anymore .

He said he would not give me up after he has chased me, everyone I tried to leave and that he couldn’t live without me because I “just see him.”

That he has never loved someone so much that he’s never cheated On them.

TRUTH: physical touch is what he sees as showing love so he believes cheating in the way that crushes hearts is physical sex.

I believe it’s emotionally cheating.

His online messages… bonding with anyone that you should be doing with me.

But he was so determined, I understand that he has never been faithful, but he has never cheated on me…so don’t ever worry when he leaves. (Correction: I’m 99% positive he was cheating on me with Gretchen.)

TRUTH: He has never once left me.

Not even threatened.

He just couldn’t leave me.

He was not going to let me be with anyone else, but he was chasing me constantly.

He did not do it to prove a point.

Truth is he came home like he was going to.

That he wasn’t happy about the situation, he felt was not what he was thinking. (I sometimes thought he honestly did all that because he believed I was cheating on him with Tony.)

But the truth? Came back already in a mood and he was already combative. (Easy because he was feeling guilty because he had been sleeping with Gretchen)

Truth or Lie: Did he come back knowing he was having to choose to go back over me?

Or did he think that I cheated and on drugs lying is legit and went to his house because I was scaring him?

You Don’t Look This Good With Him

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A Day To Remember/If It Means A Lot To You

Update: Truth Versus lies & What You Didn’t See

I have not lied once yet.

I have proof, I have details and I am also trying to come to the end.

So we both have a conclusion if I am just blind.

Am I the one that got played?

To have a man change that much how can they not be real?

But I the only one who saw all this?

What did he say otherwise?

Why can’t everyone just put it out there?

Why would they not want to tell me?

So Is my truth a mirage?

Or did it exist outside my head?

I still feel that this isn’t stuff you fake.

But it bothered me that he was keeping us so secret.


I never wanted anyone to specifically know we had been working in things since New Years technically. I had felt that those times were so important to the foundation we weren’t allowed to build, because baby mom didn’t want to see him give to another wife what she had desperately wanted from him and got nothing but that narcissist version.

But I don’t think she ever took responsibility for failing him bad enough he turned into that, because he was damaged.

Than when he went on to Nicole; she never tried to figure out who he was, and baby mom flat out told me that she’d get rid of me.

That she would make sure that my husband stayed that douche bag, that she was convinced he’d always be.

The kids used against me too, but thing is…he always was different and he still is even if you take him from me?

He will always only have had real with me.(I weirdly feel thats totally true,)

I think he couldn’t leave me unless he had someone to forget me with, and that Chad had no choice he felt…I truly a year later believe that they used his kids and he wouldn’t have led if it was his choice.

i

It is up to him to save it or not, but I CAN prove that what the issue is…no one knows him like I do.

You don’t know if he told me he did, that its why he didl or if I was told to wait.

So it won’t matter wtf you say or do or try.

He knows that what he does, it affects my actions:

But, I am not doing it anymore, not after what happened this time.

For not being told or explained and intentionally hurt.

And I gave him the chance and I have said he knows the truth and I gave him the chance that he has chosen not to take.

I am going to prove that I am right and I know that you have no idea who he was or how close we were and that I’m the only one he’s ever been in love with.

Then show how you destroy him the minute he loses me, but he’s scared to not choose what you want. Worse, Chads kids are doing it too.

But he needs to see what they are making nothing,


Gretchen…no one comes between a God blessed marriage ….and that when Chad one day finds it within himself to see the truth finally…he’s going to be the one suffering.


Though this is also going to be up because I want him to see that’s it’s okay he felt he had to choose finally.


But I wanted him to see that everyone else will also see who we were really.

Maybe he forgot.

Maybe he really was over me.

However, I deserve that our love was seen as real, and i wasn’t his narcissist victim.

I will never believe I was.

And I’m going to show you why; and I’m going to prove that he didn’t leave me someone made him.

Because there is NO way that he could fake it.

And no way he should have to be making the choice to leave me and it ends up destroy me.

That he did do.

And I’m guessing because he’s hurting and for some reason has to not come home.

If this was what he wanted he wouldn’t be hurting me as much as he can.

Then he’d just go away quietly and he wouldn’t go days with no contact for him to find more things to hurt her with.

Maybe I did something I dont know about; I dont think anyone will ever know, but I’m going to make damn sure that you see and he sees why I’m not the narcs made up love for two years.

(It’s November 2022 and even though I haven’t heard from Chad, and we are almost divorced…I want to say that I filed. He still had never done it himself. Also, that very thing I ever do see of them, he’s not even close to the man I know. I want him to know that I still believe that it wasn’t his choice.)

I won’t let that be diminished just because that’s what he’s always done.


That people don’t realize what narcs may have become from.


So here is the inside of our relationship no one was seeing and we has with no one trying to break us.


This Is Always Staying MINE

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She Can’t Beat This/ I’ve Seen Yours

No one will ever have what we did

No one will ever have what we did

You can always come back

You can always come back

Always Together

She will never look as good with you as I do

She will never look as good with you as I do

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Sometimes It IS A Message: When Is It A Joke On You

I don’t know why they felt making another page….or that it was under his friends name ….that definitely betrayed me.

I only got my husband to come back out was him.

When I did mean business and kicked him out, i was so glad that he had gone to Chris house.

I wasn’t very communicative because I wanted him to see that this was a big deal and truthfully I wasn’t wanting to ask him to come home.

Than he went to Texas for his grandfathers 100th birthday and I was selfish and taking out my stress and my hidden hurt out in him.

My go to was he’s really cheating on me and I don’t know why I’d do that because I knew he didn’t have it in him I think he’d have gotten sick lol.

But I used it and I think I was feeling betrayed.

I have never met his family/ the hiding me thing was hurtful in situations like that

. I felt like he was embarrassed of me and I had been dealing with crazy druggie Janene and I think I was going to him so much because I was assuming he’d do what I was used to last year and that’s let me down.

Blow me off.

Not be there emotionally and he’d do that and I’d get angry enough to go file for divorce.

I was so exhausted because he wasn’t seeing that I did this all for him and he isn’t realizing that I did show my love but yea bitching I kicked him out.

To me he wasn’t ever going to get it and i had just spent all that time being supportive , and praising him when he was finally the parent doing right by the daughter: he even snuck me in to see her and watched me almost collapse in a panic attack and tears because it was like my own daughter going where I had been and I hurt for her and my husband had to catch me so I wouldn’t hit the floor.

Its the baby mom though, so that shit was non stop and it always was my husband that was defending himself or trying to get whet he did validated.

So when it’s on his family?

It doesn’t end: it becomes an obsession to prove to his ex that he’s not trash and she hurts him anyway and he ends up screaming at me “I don’t care about his kids“…and in reality sometimes I think I was the only one that did.

It doesn’t help he’s drinking some.

Yes my husbands amazing and no longer an all day until you black out alcoholic but I was always the one he took his exs shit out on.

I ignored it because I didn’t want him to get loud an mean and right before I was getting Alex( go and fuck it all up.

He never realized I had Janene there, because I wanted her to be pretending she’s so in top of her new chance.

I wanted him to think “shit I don’t want here” and that he’d step up to show that she’s actually not doing shit and he has more to lose.

He didn’t.

He’s kind of obviously tunnel minded.

He thought I was giving a stranger a chance instead of him but he did r realize that he was starting to create an environment no one wanted to be in and he couldn’t let they shit go.


So on top of that he’s not realizing he is doing exactly what made me want to leave him.

And it’s not him.

It’s that because that women is so toxic and well evil; she hurts that man on purpose.

So he doesn’t agree I don’t think, but she knows that he will take it out on me or my kids, so she gets to cause marital problems….and also gets a kick out of having this goal I will not be in his life much longer.

Problem was that he still was being emotional in his responses and he’d react before thinking.

He wasn’t violent anymore and he didnt like