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How Do You Know If You've Committed Too Soon?

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.


Often the excitement of a new relationship can sometimes cause us to commit before we truly know if we are actually compatible.

It can be easy to really like someone (or possibly fall in love) with how a person treats you—as well as basic commonalities that you might share. However, are you taking the time to really get to know each other at a much deeper level? And, when you tell each other important things about yourselves are you really listening to determine—beyond the surface qualities—if you are truly a match that has potential for a lifetime commitment?

Although getting into a committed relationship right away when you are younger—for most people—may not be that big of a deal because the focus is more on the here and now. Also at that age there aren't as many major expectations or you haven't quite yet figured out what those expectations are for you. However, as you get older, rushing into a commitment can potentially lead to disaster and heartbreak. Yikes.

Why wait to discover later that there are things (values, family, faith, finances, etc.) that are completely opposite from each other? This won't set you up for a successful everlasting relationship. In fact it will do the complete opposite. And, once you have said the words "I love you" there can be pressure to try and settle with someone that you later realize might not be the best match for you (again, yikes!) just so you don't hurt their feelings. Oh no.

So, how do you know if you have made your relationship official too soon? Well, when you realize that you don't have as many commonalities on a deeper level as you thought, is a BIG clue. That's why it's important to really, really get to know someone—beyond looks and chemistry. The longer you date and hang out, the more you will get to know someone—it's not rocket science. Spending quality time talking about topics that are important to you will weed out the wrong matches and cause less unnecessary relationship failures.

If you haven't dated someone very long and they are pushing commitment, make sure you are asking them all the right questions—making sure that they not only know you, but also aren't placing you on some unrealistic pedestal of who they think you are—which can be emotionally hard to climb down from.

When a guy wants to rush into a commitment with me I ask myself (and him):

  • Does he know important facts about me?
  • Does he know (and is on a similar path) when it comes to financial goals?
  • Does he know my future plans?

Here are some questions that when you are in a relationship the other person should know about you before committing...

Basic questions you might want to know before committing:

  • Full name
  • Birthday
  • Siblings names
  • Parents names
  • Where you are from (born and raised)
  • Favorite color
  • Favorite flower
  • Favorite dessert
  • Favorite alcoholic drink
  • Favorite season
  • Favorite restaurant
  • Do you like to travel (is it important to you)
  • Do you prefer the beach or mountains
  • Are you spontaneous or a planner
  • Do you drink coffee or tea (and how do you take it)
  • Do you have allergies
  • Do you celebrate holidays
  • What part of town is your favorite
  • Where do you enjoy hanging out the most
  • Do you prefer staying home or going out
  • Do you prefer gold or silver or both

More serious questions....

  • What area/state do you want to live in?
  • Are you both open and willing to move?
  • How big of a house or condo do you envision living in?
  • Would you ever want to move in with them or have them move in with you?
  • Would you want to get a home together one day?
  • What type of style home do you envision?
  • Do you want children?
  • Do you ever want to get married (big wedding or small)?
  • What are your dreams and passions?
  • Is being financially successful important to you?
  • Are there any mental or health issues that you need to know?
  • If there are children in the picture are you on the same page with raising and disciplining?
  • Are you religious/spiritual (and what does that mean to you)?
  • What are your political views?
  • Do you want to own or rent a place?
  • Are there any major financial issues that can affect the other person?

There are of course many more questions that could be added to the list. These are just a few questions that you should both know about each other to help determine if you're a good fit.

Here's the thing, I'm not saying that someone needs to know the answers to all the questions before getting into a committed relationship, however they should know the answers to most (90%). Only you can decide what questions are relevant in determining for you if there could be a future or not before making an official commitment. Depending on what things do or don't align together will either be deal breakers or will move the relationship blissfully to the next level.

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I've dated a lot of men who have wanted to rush into having a committed relationship without fully knowing me. Unfortunately, because of this, many of my relationships ended. It turned out that there were important things that we both wanted that in the end did not align. When we got to know each other better there were things about us that we're too different—places we liked to hang out (bars, restaurants and areas of town), music taste, foods we enjoyed eating. More importantly, our future goals were different—where we saw living—including the size/type of home (and location) as well as were we financially saw ourselves.

Bottom line, if a relationship (is in fact) the right one, then you will grow to know this by taking the necessary time to date and really get to know each other. Don't be afraid to ask questions that are important to you and don't settle on things that are the foundations of who you are as a person. Know that what you want and need, you will find in a person who is your perfect match so that you can confidently know when it's truly time to commit.



Stephanie Bailey (author) from Denver on June 14, 2016:

Dashingscorpio, totally agree on all points. Thank you for reading and for taking the time to comment.

MaryRB on June 06, 2016:

I noticed you did not ask in detail about health issues--hospitalizations, mental illness--medications. I am thinking about the big sleeper--bi polar that can destroy a relationship if it is not or has not been treated professionally.

dashingscorpio from Chicago on June 06, 2016:

Great topic and article!

"Often the excitement of a new relationship can sometimes cause us to commit before we truly know if we are actually compatible." Very true!

People often talk about the "fear of commitment" but I suspect there are probably more people who commit too soon because they "fear missing out" on someone they consider to be "hot" or great (in the moment).

We all know there is no such status as "exclusive friends" so sometimes people want to "lock down someone" they like as soon as possible to take them off of the "open market" before a competitor {steals them away}.

Once they become "exclusive" soon they're saying "I love you" and then when one of them realizes the other isn't "the one" they come off as being a liar, a player, or even worse a cheater when they start to pull back or ask for a "trial break". Everyone has expectations after being told they are loved.

It's not uncommon for someone to say after the fact: "I think we moved too fast." Translation: "You are not the one!"

With age and relationship experience ideally we learn not to allow ourselves to be swept away during the "infatuation phase" of new relationships. It's so easy to fall in love with "falling in love".

Your list of questions should help people put things in perspective.

Can you really be "in love" with someone you know nothing about? No!

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