Sharilee Swaity writes on family and marriage issues on her blog, Second Chance Love. She has written a book on the topic of remarriage.
How To Love A Husband
Loving A Husband Isn't Always Easy
How to love a husband? Feed him. Make love to him and meet his physical needs. LIsten to him, and don't try to dominate him. Work beside him, and always show him respect. Loving a husband is so easy that almost any woman could do it, right?
Well, for me, it really wasn't, but it's getting easier now. Until just recently, I was in what could be called a difficult marriage by anyone's evaluation. Yeah, neighbours heard some screaming in the wee hours, and we mentioned "divorce" at least once a month.
It was very tough, and I seriously doubted we would make it, until recently. What happened? Well, I think we both got sick of being angry, learned to trust each other, and learned to love each other.
Don't get me wrong, abuse and divorce are serious topics, but this article is meant to be a bit tongue-in-cheek, while making a point. Okay here goes. Let's learn how to love a husband ....
Feed Your Man
1. Feed Your Husband
Making a meal at suppertime is no longer a central part of our culture, as it was in the 50's. Grabbing a pizza pop or a frozen entrée sometimes seems like all the effort we can muster, after our crazy days. Cooking seems like a lot of work, more than we are capable of. When I was single, in fact, I rarely cooked. It was just way too much work. Since getting married, though, I have tried to cook as much as I can.
There's something about a steaming bowl of pasta covered with delicious sauce and cheese that helps my husband forget about his bad day, and just simply makes him feel nurtured. I see it in his face. At some level, men are still little boys that love to be fed. Cooking supper for your man is primal ... it's part of human nature. It's a great way to love a husband.
Men are still little boys
2. Make Love to Him
Yeah, we all know men love sex. Our whole society seems to revolve around that, in many ways. We joke about it, and we may resent it, at times. But do we honour it? Do we honour our man's primary way of expressing love? Being there for your husband physically is one of the most profound ways that you can love him. He will feel your love, through your hands and your body. Massage him. Hold him. Touch him. Do it all, and do it often. Enough said, ladies!
3. Listen to him. By listening to him, I don't really mean to obey him, or to submit, which is a whole other topic. What I do mean is to hear what he says, and honour it. Hear it first, before you disagree with him. Wow! Hard for me to do, I have to admit.
I thought I was a good listener, but when it came to my husband, I got my defenses up. He was a man, and men had always tried to boss me around. Therefore, I always believed that he was trying to control me. Therefore, I defended myself even before he had shut his mouth. Which meant I wasn't listening, and I didn't hear. And then he didn't hear me. And then ... the fight was on. But listening makes a HUGE difference. It sounds simple, yes, but It's vitally important.
Some Related Articles
- Ten Reasons Not to Divorce
Ten reasons not to divorce.
- Ten Tips for Staying Together in a Second Marriage
Advice for couples married a second time: how to make it.
4. Don't Dominate Him
This piece of advice goes along with the previous point. When we start listening, we can start relating, and don't need to dominate. Fifty years ago, this advice would have been self-evident, but now I think it's controversial. You see, we confuse "don't dominate" with "let yourself be abused." I know I got that confused. I thought I had to constantly stop him from abusing me, but by constantly fighting that, I was dominating him with my "defenses."
And it doesn't help either that so many T.V. shows we turn on show a dominant woman who is in charge of her man.. One of the funniest episodes of "King of Queens" was when Doug tried to wear a cologne that Carrie didn't like. He acted tough in front of his friends, but at home, he snuck around, until, inevitably, Doug was caught by his obviously dominant wife.
But dominating a man puts him either in fight mode, or in lay-down passive mode. Not dominating is a way of loving him, because it lets him be a man. You don't have to be weak; just be yourself. And let him be himself. Don't try to control him. We are so scared of being controlled that we end up controlling him. Don't. "Not dominating" is a major way of loving him.
5. Work Beside Him
It might sound strange, but some of our marriage's best times have been our grocery shopping nights. Why? It's a time that we work together. We buy a lot of groceries, then bag them (Superstore) and haul them from the car, and put them away. By the end, we're both wiped. But we feel good! Why? Because we worked together to accomplish something important for our household. My husband has turned to me so many times, and commented that he thinks we make a great team. Working hard is a very important part of a good marriage. It's not glamorous, but it's very important. Love him by working beside him.
6. Always show respect. I haven't always done this, but I try to do it now. After reading some good books on the subject, I began to see how essential this was to loving my husband. As my defenses started breaking down, I was able to look across and really see what my husband's face looked like when I yelled at him. When I was mad at him. And he looked sad. And felt really bad, and I wanted to show him more respect, no matter how mad at him I was for how I thought he didn't show me respect.
And showing respect has made all the difference. I still slip up, but now I force myself to apologize. That's hard! It goes against my pride! But it's worth it, because it's a way of loving him.
7. Pray. If you believe in God, pray! Seriously, sometimes that's the only thing that got me through. In fact, I think this has been the biggest help to my marriage. Prayer is admitting that we are helpless, and brings us to a needed point of surrender. It forces us to be humble, and it lets us hope again.
Endurance is the Key
Loving a husband might sound easy, and in a way, it is. Once you learn how. The hard part is to keep it up. To endure. And I, for one, am glad I have a lifetime to keep learning. Because now, I no longer daydream about divorce. I intend to stick with it til the end. Loving a husband: food, sex, respect. Yeah, it's do-able!
Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on November 18, 2014:
@sallybea, even though it is one year late, thank you so much for your comment! It's funny you said that about writing a hub aimed at what a man should do to love his wife, and I had been thinking about writing one, but never gotten around to it! I hear you about wanting to be listened to, respected to, fed ... all of those things. And a good marriage is never just one-sided, definitely! Have a wonderful evening!
@ronny2005, that's cute! I hope your wife read, and that the two of you are doing well. I apologize for taking so long to respond, but thanks so much for the comment and take care.
@The Stages of ME, thank you so much for sharing. I hope it was a blessing to your friends in need. I apologize for taking so long to get back to you. God bless you, too!
Kathy Henderson from Pa on January 16, 2014:
Wonderful hub and sharing as I have a few friends in need of this right now. I have been weary as the sounding board so a fresh perspective is awesome. God Bless
ronny2005 from HubPages on November 06, 2013:
Great Hub... i love if my wife reads this... thanks for sharing.Voted up and shared.
Sally Gulbrandsen from Norfolk on November 06, 2013:
Whilst I think there is some great advice here, I can't help wondering if you could write one from the ladies point of view. Would someone please feed me - respect me - love me - work beside me - start listening to me ....... listening would be especially good today!
Sorry, could not resist that - it is one of those days!
Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on February 04, 2013:
Liftandsoar, I agree with you that men have been vilified in our culture, and it needs to stop. I think women can do so much to build up their husbands. That is so awesome to hear of your wonderful relationship with your wife. Thanks for stopping by, and for the lovely comment. Take care!
Frank P. Crane from Richmond, VA on December 18, 2012:
Right on prairieprincess. It's good to read a well-balanced treatment of this. It seems we live in a world where men can do nothing right. I specially appreciated your comments about respect. I will have been married to my one adn only wife for fifty hears next month. There have been hard times indeed, but nothing compared to what a break-up would have brought.
Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on May 06, 2012:
@Teaches, thank you so much. I appreciate your feedback so much. I tend to write from personal experience because I know I like reading about other people's experience. Have a wonderful week!
Dianna Mendez on May 04, 2012:
Awesome! I love your approach to this topic and how you handled it with gentle advice through sharing of your personal experience. I believe all the points to be of great value in building a marriage and your husband. Voted up!
Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on April 14, 2012:
ShepherdLover, thank you. I am glad you approve. Have a great night!
ShepherdLover from Portland, OR on April 14, 2012:
Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on April 09, 2012:
Rolly, you are so kind. It's always such a pleasure to hear from you. Take care!
Rolly A Chabot from Alberta Canada on April 09, 2012:
Hi Prairie Princess... thank you for sharing and know that you are truly loved by all who read your words....
Hugs from Alberta
Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on April 07, 2012:
RHW, that's beautiful! It is so true that it's not just about the two individuals when kids are involved. That's awesome that you guys realized that and quit the fighting. It took us a while, too, but it gets better when you know you're in for the long haul.
I love your comment and your enthusiasm. Thank you so much!
Kelly Umphenour from St. Louis, MO on April 07, 2012:
Hi Princess...all excellent advice! I think every good marriage goes through the "screaming in the night & frequent mention of divorce" period, that was the hard part for me...but we got there- then got past it.
This so reminds me of the very moment...the instant..I knew we had better hear each other...we were having one of those arguments about who knows what...this was maybe 10 years ago...both girls were babies...and I said "fine I can take care of myself...you want a divorce?" and angrily he shouted back "fine! And do NOT think you are taking the children..just because you are the woman doesn't mean you get the kids!" and I looked right back at him and LAUGHED so hard...and said "ok but was that supposed to be a threat?" then he realized what he had said...and then we eneded up hysterical and decided that neither of us could raise our kids without the other and we didn't want to. I know it sounds crazy - but that moment really made us realize...it isn't just about he and I...and the marriage is bigger than us - we made a pact not to throw our family away. We learned to listen better and hear better!
I up and awesome you - and sorry for the long comment...but I do want young couples to know - even the very best marriages are HARD work! But it is worth it!!
Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on November 14, 2011:
Quill, thank you so much. Love for a wife or husband is such a good thing, given by God. Blessings to you and your wife. Take care.
"Quill Again" on November 14, 2011:
Great advice and comes from a heart for love and happiness...
Blessings and Hugs
Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on October 24, 2011:
Katherine, I am so blessed to make your acquaintance. I saw you on Twitter, too, and it looks like a wonderful ministry.
I am so, so glad that this article touched your heart. I love sharing what the LORD has shown my husband and I, through some really hard times and now blessings. You are right: we all need to tell our story and I hope people can feel the courage to tell theirs. We all learn from each other as fellow humans and sinners.
All the blessings to you, my friend. You made my day with your comment. Take care.
Katherine on October 24, 2011:
I thoroughly enjoyed this article. It blessed my soul. It is right on time. Thank you for sharing from your own life experience which truly makes excellent and profound writings. Keep sharing what you learn because the world needs to be encouraged and inspired to write their own stories. God Bless You
Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on October 21, 2011:
Harlan, I completely agree. Men are made to look like total idiots in the media, and it drives me nuts. I think women in our culture pick up on it, too. I am a very independent woman but that doesn't mean I have put down men to make myself look better.
Both men AND women deserve respect! Thank you so much for dropping by and adding an insightful comment. And for the follow. Take care!
Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on October 21, 2011:
Manthy, thanks for your kind words, and the votes! Have a great day!
Harlan Colt from the Rocky Mountains on October 20, 2011:
This hub is breath of fresh air in a media-world full of the exact opposite message. There is a cell phone commercial out right now where the wife is working in the green house and her husband, a frail, weak voiced, timid man with thick glasses -made to look obviously like a wimp, slides open the door to tell her the great deal he signed them up for. She scolds him viciously, asking him if he thought to ask her before he obligated them to an expensive plan and follows up with "Mother was right, I should have married Dave." (or whatever the name is) The guy weakly replies "it was free".
I hate that commercial and a hundred more along the same lines. Maybe women don't pick up on it, but TV shows and sitcoms are loaded with "weak submissive men - me mighty woman," messages. Everybody Loves Raymond was full of such themes. I like Patricia Heaton, (in fact she lives in the foothills nearby), but I could not stand her character, "Deborah" in that show.
Radio commercials are just as bad. Women are real smart and the men are blithering idiots."
Prairie Princess you've done a really good job saying - "Meet each other's needs."
Thank you for the uplifting article, I follow you now!
- best wishes,
Mark from Alabama,USA on October 20, 2011:
Well written and full of good advice - Thanks for the quality hub
Voted up and awesome
Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on October 20, 2011:
SJ, thank you so much for your kind words! Have a wonderful day.
Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on October 20, 2011:
Marellen, I had that happen with a couple of them, too and if they decide that, there's really nothing you can do. That's awesome that you're just taking a break and enjoying life on your own. Single life has its own beauty, I think! Thanks for the great comment.
marellen on October 20, 2011:
Good advice but my husband decided I wasn't the one and moved on. My relationships with men are on hold for now and I'm loving it. I couldn't agree more with your hub. You have related some great points.
SJmorningsun25 on October 20, 2011:
Great Hub! Thanks for such practical advice and wisdom. Well-written and helpful! Voted up.
Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on September 25, 2011:
Amy, thank you so much! I am glad you follow this advice: it sounds like it's really working for your. It took us longer than a year to figure this out but at least we finally did. Thanks again and have a good night!
amynichter from Canton, Ohio on September 25, 2011:
Wonderful hub! My husband and I have known each other for a little more than a year, and were just married in August. We already follow most of the advice you've given here, and we base our whole relationship on our belief in Christ and on communication. Thank you for putting into words what we try to do daily!
Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on April 23, 2011:
PDX, thank you! I am glad you found this to be true! Take care!
PDXBuys from Oregon on April 21, 2011:
I think you understand men very well. You know the secrets to a good marriage! Where can I find someone like you..?
Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on November 23, 2010:
WordPlay, thank you! I love the images from website and tried to thank you on your blog, but something went wrong with the comment button and I don't think it showed up on the blog? Take care!
Carla Chadwick from Georgia on November 23, 2010:
Thanks so much for the credit and link related to the vintage card from my Vintage Holiday Crafts blog! That image works perfectly for this hub. :-)
Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on November 16, 2010:
Thank you so much, Daddy Paul. I appreciate your comment. This one was straight from my own life, and what works for us. Take care. :)
Daddy Paul from Michigan on November 15, 2010:
Most articles I read along this line are bad advice. This hub is quite good.
Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on November 02, 2010:
Thank you for commenting, Pierre! About Hubpages being internal, do you mean the Answers section? That's what I was wondering about ... thanks and take care.
Powerful Pierre from Abbotsford BC on November 01, 2010:
Thank You Princess for writing this article GBU btw on a question you put up recently you realized that hubpages is internal only right? The public cannot see it.