How Do I Know I Am A Lesbian
The discovery of where we belong in society is possibly the most important element of a happy life. For those who question their true sexuality, this awareness can become far more difficult. I was one of the lucky ones, I knew from early on that I didn't have dreams of a knight in shining armor sweeping me off my feet to live happily ever after. My dreams were more inclined to be of a beautiful redheaded princess to share a cozy home with and live for ever together. Not all homosexual folks are aware this far in advance. For them, recognizing a few clues along the way may be helpful. That is what I will try to share today, the clues that may just help you discover that you are in fact, a lesbian.
Do Lesbians Fight A Lot
My dad tells me he knew from the moment I could put a sentence together that I was going to be something much less boy-crazy than was my sister. Some of the little clues that I might have missed when I was really young were in fact the very same clues my father recognized to have that flair of tomboy, that was just a little too "boy".
Is Confidence A Sign You Are A Lesbian
I had an undeniable confidence and a very protective nature for those around me, primarily the girls. But, if a boy was being picked on, I was usually the first one to stand up for him and of course, pop a bully right in the noggin.This confidence was not a sure sign that I was a lesbian, as my sister too, was a pretty good scrapper when it came right down to it; and she is a girl all about boys! However, scrapping certainly played a role in who I was as a much younger lesbian person. I am not very fond of bullies or mean spirited people to this day. Just ask the guy at the market who received a hay-maker from me for shoving a lady down in front of the meat counter last year. (The guy was, "a real chowder-head" as my friend, Doc Sonic might say).
What You Think Really Does Matter!
The Lipstick Lesbian Fact or Myth
This is one topic that has much confusion swirling about it, the mythic "lipstick lesbian". These female friendly beauties don the Maybelline® magnet that hetero women believed they had singular claim to. The short-shorts, frilly tanks, glossy lips, sexy high-heels, and of course those form-fitting little black dresses have brought stunned facial response from many handsome men throughout recent history. The rules have changed and so has the stereo-type. Don't get me wrong here, these same pearl-peach lipstick packing Mo's are sure to have a pair of Birkenstocks in the shoe rack somewhere. I know this because I have had girlfriends who happened to be among this ultra spectacular feminine lesbian persuasion. But, what is it that truly makes these lipstick lesbians such special creatures? This amazing class of ladies can also build you an upstairs apartment over the garage, and look fantastic while doing it!
What Makes A Lesbian
There Is Criteria For Being A Lesbian
When it comes down to what makes someone a lesbian, the rules are pretty clear cut. You have to be a chick who is attracted to other chicks sexually. If that sentence didn't make you wretch or gasp in disgust, you might have lesbian tendencies—or you might just be a really cool straight chick (or dude). Having what feels to be natural desire for making love with other women is the indicator. Not just that you "kissed a girl and liked it"...I mean really, who wouldn't...but that your physical desires go much more than lip deep.
The "I Kissed A Girl And Liked It" Lesbian
If you are just fed-up with guys who haven't treated you with care, moving your stuff into your lesbian friend's house and snuggling side by side does not make you a lesbian. It just means you're pissed at boys right now. Wait it out, if you're a hetero gal, that desire for boys will return in no time at all. Lesbians are more than willing to nurture you while you work through your "boy troubles" but, be very careful not to mislead us about your sexuality. If you're straight it's okay, we won't judge you for it. Just don't tell us you love us and that we are the love of your life, only to leave when the hot six-pack rippled dude next door tells you your eyes are sparkly. That's just not cool, and remains very UN-lesbian-like behavior!
The Lesbian Fluke
Keep in mind that just because you may have deep feelings of intimacy for one individual female doesn't mean you are a lesbian. You may simply have a unique connection for this person, while other females bring you zero sexual desire. This is the lesbian fluke. Should this relationship dissolve over time, another female mate will probably not suffice. The probability of finding another "unique" female for the lesbian fluke to connect with in such an intimate manner is almost zero. No matter how hard she may try.
4 Sure Signs That You Are A Lesbian
You Can Be Certain You Are A Lesbian When...
- The thought of holding hands, kissing, or being with another girl feels exciting and romantic, so much so that you want to do this all of the time. Women become irresistible to you.
- You seek out books, movies, and information about lesbians so you can learn more about the culture and community. Your desires are to be with other lesbians socially.
- Your sexual fantasies are centered strictly around women. The thought of making love with another woman is a strong frequent desire.
- The thought of sexual interaction with guys makes you feel awkward or repulsed.
Human Rights Campaign - President Obama Shares The Story Of PLFAG's Beginning
- Lesbian Health and Research Center - Improving the health and well-being of lesbians, bisexual women, transgender people and their families.
- Human Rights Campaign - Working for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equal rights.
- Lesbian and Gay Summer Camp - Learn about LGBT camp or how to become a LGBT camp leader.
- PFLAG (Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) - Support for LGBTQ families and those they love.
- UC Davis LGBT Resource Center
Who Are Lesbians
Finding The Lesbian In You
It pretty much boils down to this; if you dig chicks on a sexual level all of the time, then you can be pretty sure you are, in fact, a true lesbian. Bouncing back and fourth between guys and dolls means you are most likely a bisexual. Lesbians like other girls, and only other girls. Lesbians want to make love with other girls, and only other girls. Lesbians have guy friends, not boyfriends. Lesbians like feminine clothing, make-up, pretty shoes, great hair styles, and cute fluffy little kitty cats. But, lesbians also like plaid flannel shirts, big work boots, buzz cuts, tattoos, and ferocious big gnarly dogs. We have great careers, no careers, butch careers, and girly careers. So, when trying to discern if you are a lesbo or a hetero, there is only one way to know for sure. And that is; having sexual contact with other women gets your romantic girl motor running at full throttle! Anything less, and you should look for a more appropriate label.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Comments for "How to Tell if You are a Lesbian"
Jess Martus on January 17, 2015:
This hub was very helpful for understanding more of who I am. Yes, I did date guys for the longest time but I then realized that being with a guy isn't in my future like I once dreamed about as a little girl. I feel connected with girls more than ever since I finally discovered myself. I've dated two girls and those relationships were the best ones of my life. I didn't regret a second of it. When I dated a guy, the feelings that once sparked the relationship dwindled within a month at least. Even made the mistake of dating some of the same guys more than once. That made my regrets burn brighter and take a toll upon my heart.
Even though I'm still in high school, I was fortunate enough to find myself now rather than later in my life where I would continue to regret the choices of choosing whom I'd love of the opposite sex. Having the great attraction to girls has become a blessing upon me. Not because I'm lesbian, even though one would consider me as a bisexual, but because I found who I was at heart and who I was born to be.
Catherine Taylor from Canada on September 18, 2012:
I loved this hub so much, your humor and straight to the point attitude are fantastic. Straight, gay, bi, we're all on the spectrum somewhere. We should all strive to know ourselves as well as you do. Fantastic read!
epigramman on August 28, 2012:
...like Sir Gus that is what my dad used to say - people are people and I am sure God or the great creator made all people to be beautiful and gave us free will to make our own choices.
This is a heartfelt, sincere and passionate hub subject and I feel that it's somewhat a labor of love from its author which makes it even more beautiful, deep and profound - rock on ..........and sending you warm wishes and good energy from lake erie time ontario canada 10:54pm
India Arnold (author) from Northern, California on August 20, 2012:
@missolive~ See, I knew you were a pretty cool straight chick! ;)
I am so glad you approve of the hub, and that from a "hetero" point of view, you get the concepts written within. I find this to be a wonderful encounter!
@Denise Handlon~ You always make me feel so good about the things written in my articles. I must say, your nephew is a very lucky guy to have your help in guiding him in his quest to remain safe as well as true to himself. I have always felt you were amazing, and I feel more sure of this today. Cara, being a stellar example of your child rearing magic-touch. Thank you for your well-wishes regarding my new relationship. You are right, love is so much better than lonely! I am honored that you shared your story here.
@Mama Kim 8~ My dad did make the connection before I did, that I am gay. He has always told me that he "just knew". I was around 3 when he came to this conclusion, so I do believe it can be detected this early. However, until a child discovers his/her sexuality for themselves-- a clearly established awareness-- I would keep both dolls and trucks in the toy box! Thank you for your warm heart, wishing you all of the best with your family and life.
@cclitgirl ~ It sounds like your mom provided you with a fantastic loving human center. I have so much respect for your comment that we have to just simply "follow our bliss!" No truer words have been spoken. Thank you for being amazing, CC.
@GusTheRedneck ~ Thank you for the rhyme big guy! It speaks volumes! I appreciate that you made it by.
@cardelean ~ Thank you for adding your story within the comments. I believe your cousin is a lucky guy to have been born into your family! I am moved by your wonderful sentence about truth...,
"I believe that if we live with our eyes open and our hearts honest, you already know the truth."
cardelean from Michigan on August 20, 2012:
Like a few others, I guess I'm a really cool chick. Everyone deserves happiness in their personal relationships and it is no one elses place to to judge, so long as no one is being harmed. I think that this is an incredibly powerful hub that will help so many others who are struggling with their sexual identity. I also love that you added the part about parents having a 'clue' early on. I believe that if we live with our eyes open and our hearts honest, you already know the truth. Our family knew early on that my cousin was gay, even if he didn't talk about it. Once again, you have created an incredible guide that will be so useful to others. Voted up, up, up, and up!
Gustave Kilthau from USA on August 19, 2012:
People are people. There are good people and there are not-good people. Some like coffee. Some like tea. Some like you, and some like me.
Cynthia Calhoun from Western NC on August 19, 2012:
You're making a difference with this hub. I think a lot of people out there question whether or not they are or aren't lesbian or gay. I actually want my cousin to read this because she's had a lot of bad relationships with guys and then got into a relationship with a girl that later dissolved. Now, she's back to the guys and has been since.
You know, it's funny. My mom always had so many gay and lesbian friends, that growing up I didn't even know it was "different." I just thought, hmm, some guys just like guys and some girls just like girls. Ok. Fine. Whatever. I didn't care - as long as the couple was happy.
Plus, I don't think it's anyone's business but our own what we do in our private lives and so many elements in our society infringe upon that - it makes me crazy! We've all gotta follow our bliss and lead our lives. Bravo on this, K9. You keep on rockin'.
Aloe Kim on August 19, 2012:
Wonderfully put! I love the perfect blend of humor and advise. Any thought on how parents can tell if their children are homosexual. I have a strong feeling my 3 year old son is. I know that's a bit young but I just have a feeling, he's rather "girly". I absolutely adore him and I've always felt strongly for the gay community so I'm 100% perfectly happy with this. You mentioned your father saw signs so I was just wondering ^_^ Voted up, funny and useful
Denise Handlon from North Carolina on August 17, 2012:
Beautifully written, India. I love the fact that your dad picked up on signs early on. I was a tomboy whose older brothers taught to fight well and make it count. I was constantly sticking up for the underdog, a fact that came from my mother, and fighting the neighborhood bully was never a problem-I had 2 older bros and a gang full of guys to back me up, LOL, so I always felt fearless.
Sexuality is a delicate subject and an individual choice...or perhaps, we are chosen and either relax with the flow of nature or stay conflicted. It's been interesting reading about this subject from you and Keith. I have my own experiences to cope with in my home in guiding my young nephew to be true to himself, and smart about who he involves himself with. It is no different a lecture or guidance, than I gave to my own children. Wanting a safe, healthy, and happy future for him is what counts in the end.
Many blessings. Glad to know you are in a relationship once more. Lonliness can be a heartbreaker.
Marisa Hammond Olivares from Texas on August 17, 2012:
I guess I'm a 'really cool straight chick'
Wonderful hub. This is going to be very helpful to any women that may be confused or unsure of their feelings. It is also an interesting read for the curious.
I went to a women's university and have many friends that are lesbian. I love them dearly and I tend to get defensive when they face adversity. Many of my friends have faced difficulties with support and understanding. I think your last couple of lines sum it up. We cannot control who we are attracted to. Lesbians are simply attracted to women and gay men are simply attracted to men - period. There is no light switch or tuner. Plus, just because someone is a lesbian does not mean they will be attracted to all women. I'm certainly not attracted to all men.
Thank you for sharing your insight and for providing all of the wonderful examples in your hub. Peace
India Arnold (author) from Northern, California on August 17, 2012:
@Brandon E Newman~ Really Brandon? I do not think that "these lezzies" as you so eloquently call us, have any mean spirited agenda "to degrade and control a man" in any way, shape, or form. I just think we desire to find love like every other person on earth. It just so happens that we are attracted to other girls. Nothing we do is intended to degrade or control a man. As a matter of fact, we hardly think about how our lives will romantically impact dudes at all. Sorry, but you are on your own when it comes to picking the right partner; we lezzies have nothing to do with whether your "picker" is on target or not. I only wish you happiness and peace.
Respectful cheers to you~
India Arnold (author) from Northern, California on August 17, 2012:
@jpcmc~ Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the hub. Social pressure can distort many lives. My hope is that acceptance begins to outweigh the hate. I truly believe the shift is already beginning to happen.
Brandon E Newman from North Texas on August 17, 2012:
Yeah I dig. Just saying -Guys need to look for these signs in women that they date. Often these women are confused and think that they want a "relationship" with a man. They think that they have found the one that can make them feel "normal" about the way they are, and just end up lying and cheating to get what they need. (which is usually to degrade and control a man) You can't turn a lezzie straight, so look for these signs and take heed.
JP Carlos from Quezon CIty, Phlippines on August 17, 2012:
There's so much though t process going on there. I guess it's really confusing if your preferences are not what society expects. Societal norms are not really accurate when it comes to what should and should not be done.
India Arnold (author) from Northern, California on August 17, 2012:
@DzyMsLizy~ My hope for the youth among the LGBTQ community is that acceptance guides them, rather than hatred. So many of our young people are finding their sexuality to alienate them rather than inspire them,...and that is just a shame. I will be looking for your hub on acceptance, MsLizy. I am sure it will be very inspiring! Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!
HubHugs, my friend~
@Teresa Coppens~ I sure appreciate your continued support, ma'am. Glad you enjoyed the hub!
@wordscribe43~ I am so honored that you approve of the writing here! I do hope the piece is well received by the readers, even as there is some humor presented, the topic is quite serious. I am honored that you made it by for a read and that you shared your comments with me.
@Cardisa~ Thank you for giving us a real life story about your personal encounter with the subject of knowing if one is or is not a lesbian! I believe it will be helpful to many questioning gals. I think to discover true joy in this life, it is imperative to know if (like you) one is straight, or is gay. I so appreciate your loyalty in following. I am overjoyed that you do.
@fpherj48~ I love that you went through the steps in the hub! What a wonderfully gracious thing to do. This is a sign of real woman--not afraid to find the truth, even at that honorable "great grandmother" age you mention! I am pretty certain you're 100% straight sexuality is the real deal at this point, but I sure respect your self awareness in pursuing the facts. Thank you for sharing your story with me, it is remarkable to say the least!
Suzie from Carson City on August 17, 2012:
Well....interesting hub, K9....but I had no idea it required thought and/or questioning or testing to know your sexuality, without doubt, from day one ........or at least by the time one reaches the age of being "attracted to" another human being......
I have Zero of the 4 signs you list...but then, I certainly knew that. I'm as hetero as can be....and at the "great grandmother" age, let's hope I am 100% certain of this......
However....until I was about 14, I would have been described as somewhat of a "tomboy," since I hung out with my Dad a lot and went fishing with him and built things with him in his workshop...etc......My mother thinks I was simply close to my Dad and a late bloomer as far as getting into the real girlie things like make-up and heels and boys.
I honestly don't know about all this....but I sure do love men and can still appreciate a handsome hunk!!
Oddly.... the mother of someone very close to me was shocked to her knees when Mom left Dad after 20 years of marriage and 5 children.....for a woman. I realize this happens with frequency...and it is what I think, a sign of the changing times. How sad that this woman lived a facade all those years.....but it happens. Hopefully, this sort of thing will be a "thing of the past" now that gays and lesbians are winning their battles, left and right.
Thanks for this hub....the more education, the better!! UP+++
Elsie Nelson from Pacific Northwest, USA on August 17, 2012:
Such a fantastic, important hub. Not only is the subject matter very important, but MAN you sure can write! Anyway, I can imagine this piece being very useful for many women in the midst of struggling to find their sexuality. I hope and believe it will be well-received. I also hope your willingness to share so openly is a positive sign that we, as a society are becoming more open to embracing the gay lifestyle.
Teresa Coppens from Ontario, Canada on August 16, 2012:
Wow, Indie. Another fantastic hub. Easy to read from beginning to end. I loved it.
Liz Elias from Oakley, CA on August 16, 2012:
A very well done piece, indeed. It is good to see people more willing to be open, for that openess is what will eventually lead to acceptance.
The timing of your article is funny, as I am in the middle of writing a hub (inspired by KDuBarry03 's tale about coming out), that is all about why it is so wrong for people to be haters and make judgements about others based on false religious teachings and just plain ignorance.
Kudos to you! Voted up, interesting, awesome and useful.