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How to Tell If You Are a Gatekeeper

Sometimes it is hard to tell if you are a gatekeeper; gatekeepers tend to not be self-aware enough to realize that is what they are. It might take someone pointing out the signs before you realize that is what you are.

So, here are some ways for you to tell if you are a gatekeeper:

  1. You sit in a small structure, and when Hobbits try to come into Bree to meet Gandalf, you get super aggressive, demanding to know what they are doing (and why they are there). But when hooded figures show up and break down the gate, you do nothing to stop them.
  2. You own an exorbitant amount of keys, and you do not know what any of them are for.
  3. It gives you an immense feeling of satisfaction to take away someone’s glitter stash.
  4. You only enjoy vegan cupcakes. If the cupcake has frosting, you demand to speak with a manager.
  5. Your middle name is Karen. Your first name may also be Karen.
  6. You were probably bullied by the football team in high school. You have now decided that your only recourse is to become the Rainbow Community’s equivalent of the football team.
  7. You squander all of the good will you have created by insisting that trans* people are really cis-men pretending to be cis-women so they can sneak into traditionally female spaces and attack them. You provide no evidence or sources for your claims, and you double down with your claims (sounding even more ignorant than before) when people point out that you obviously have no idea what you are talking about.
  8. You are probably at least partially color blind and have never seen a rainbow. You do not even know what people are talking about when they mention rainbows.
  9. If you had been patient zero for COVID-19, there never would have been an outbreak.
  10. You argue that 8 was the superior doctor, and you try to argue that he was more popular than 10.
  11. You are a contrarian who insists that the Prequal Trilogy is the superior Star Wars.
  12. You identified with Anakin Skywalker (circa Episodes Two and Three), and especially during the attack on the Sand People.
  13. You are an anarchist who removes action figures from their packaging.
  14. You correct people’s pronunciation of Klingon and Elvish, but you have never actually learned either.
  15. You comment on YouTube videos, correcting the content creators on their information.
  16. Your favorite colors are beige, white, and damp.
  17. You drive a hybrid for all the wrong reasons.
  18. The Babadook thinks you are toxic and refuses to go anywhere that you might be.
  19. You claim that you can see unicorns, but you have never seen one in your life. You think by lying, you can stop people from realizing that you are a gatekeeper.
  20. All of your best friends are trolls, and you do not understand why they have such vigorously horrid reputations. They have always struck you as being lovely people.
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