You Can Do This
After almost four years, the love of my life called it quits by telling me bluntly, "I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want to be with you anymore." It seemed to come out of nowhere. In reality, she had been telling me there were problems for a long time. I just wasn't listening to what she was saying. I thought my whole world was collapsing. At first, friends and family were supportive of my trying to get her back, but as it dragged on for several months they started telling me to give up. I didn't listen, and I succeeded.
When it comes to articles like this, the main issue is every person's situation is different. A friend of mine had an affair, confessed it to his wife, and after much effort and counseling, was able to have a better marriage than they had previously. It is possible to work through anything with the right approach. So, this article is based on my own experience. I made virtually every mistake, and things will be better for you if you look at what I did, apply it to your situation, and learn what to do at an earlier point than I did.
Don't Freak Out!
If you are reading this there is a chance that you have already done this. I sure did. I begged and pleaded with my girlfriend to take me back. It didn't work, and I didn't understand how she could be so cold and not understand how much I loved her. That was because I was thinking about my own feelings. She was thinking about how frustrated she was with the relationship and why she wanted out. Me being needy just made things worse.
She wanted to be friends and I refused at first out of spite. This was also a mistake. Your ex still wanting to be friends with you is the best thing you can possibly get. It makes the whole process a lot easier, and I messed it up right away. So if you have freaked out already, but haven't messed things up so bad that she won't talk to you, then apologize for your freak out and tell her you want to stay friends. If she is mad at you then give her some space. Either way that brings us to the next part.
Get Control Of Yourself And The Situation
Being needy and begging will not help you get your ex back. You need to calm yourself down. What you need to do is get yourself into the mindset where you actually don't think the end of the relationship is the end of the world. You want your ex back, but if things don't work out there are plenty of other women in the world. This will be harder if this is your first serious relationship, but you have to get yourself there.
Some people tell you to do 30 days of no contact, but this really isn't necessary. In my case I lived with my girlfriend, so it was outright impossible. What is important is giving yourself and her space. How much will depend on the situation. You don't want to disappear completely, and if she contacts you it is okay to talk to her. Just be confident, friendly, and polite.
You need space to figure out what you did wrong. What must men do is blame the woman for what happened. Of course she did things that are wrong. In a relationship it is almost always both parties who are somewhat at fault. The problem is you are the one who wants her back. Forget anything she did to hurt or annoy you. Unless these things were abusive or egregious enough to make you realize you don't actually want to get your ex back, they do not matter. You need to think about what you did to make her feel she wanted to break up with you.
Were you too needy or dependent? Were you jealous or controlling? Did you disrespect her? Were you selfish sexually? Did you listen to her? Were you there for her emotionally? It is really important you get it straight in your head about what you did. For me, I first understood a part of it, but was missing some key things, which made the process more frustrating. if you can get everything right in your head the first time, the process is going to be a lot easier.
An apology needs to be sincere. It also needs to have enough detail to show that you really understand. An apology cannot include excuses for your behavior, nor can it include any blame toward your ex. That can be dealt with later, but right now you need to concentrate on what you did. Right now your ex's guard is up. After the apology her guard will drop immediately. I was surprised how quickly it happened. What is important also is that you don't ask for another chance, yet.
Asking for another chance in the apology makes the apology seem less sincere. The reason the apology works is it is selfless, and is not asking for anything. She will forgive you, though it might take her a while to fully forgive you. When you apologize to her it makes her feel listened to and understood. At this point you should state you want to be friends, if you aren't already on the same page about this. If she is hostile to the apology it is important not to get defensive. It might mean you don't fully understand what the problem was and need to think some more. If you get defensive it will hurt your chances with a better apology later.
You Need To Change
In the beginning, I tried to make "deals" with my ex. I said if we got back together I would change this if she agreed to change that. This was during my still freaking out period. Don't ask your ex for anything, and don't tell her you will change. You need to just do it. If you change she will notice immediately. Especially if it comes after the apology. Her guard will be down and she will get herself into a state where she is not sure she should have broken up with you, and will start to be open to getting back together.
Dont Force It
This is where I made my biggest mistake. After I apologized and started to change this resulted in my girlfriend and I having sex. I saw this as an immediate victory and declared us back in a relationship, even though she was still uncomfortable. Within a couple weeks we were broken up again. Afterward, I kept trying to initiate affection between us, and it only drove her away. Eventually, I had to start the process all over again, take some space, a new apology, change some more, before I could get her to drop her guard and open up to me again.
In order for this to work you need to be attuned to her emotions. You need to flirt with her. You can even tell her you still love her, as long as it isn't needy, and connected to you asking for another chance. You have to ride a careful balance, because the truth is that no matter what happens you aren't back together until she feels it. Take things slow, build up the attraction and make her comfortable getting back with you. You can do this. If I could anybody can.
Sham Hinduja on January 18, 2020:
Yes, I Need to figure out what went wrong! That's a genuine way to figure out and then take the next step to re establish the relationship !
dashingscorpio from Chicago on March 17, 2019:
"Were you too needy or dependent? Were you jealous or controlling? Did you disrespect her? Were you selfish sexually? Did you listen to her? Were you there for her emotionally?" Excellent questions!
Generally speaking I disagree with most articles which espouse various ways to get back with an ex. However yours is the exception because of your statement: "YOU Need to Change".
Whenever two people get back together and neither of them has made any Major Changes it's the equivalent of going to see the same movie twice and expecting it to have a different ending.
When (we) change our circumstances change.
Having said that if your ex was cheating/already emotionally moved on to someone else there's probably little you can do and that's even you want her/him back. Not every relationship is worth saving. If you've done your best that's all you can do.
In a world with over 7 Billion people rejection means: Next!
You have to find (your center) and be true to yourself. Everyone essentially wants to be loved for who (they) are.
If you or your mate has to change your (core being) in order to make a relationship "work" there is a good chance you're with the "wrong" person. Most of us (fail our way) to success in love.
Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.
The goal is to find someone who (already is) what you want.
In order for your (ex) to be "the one" she/he would have to see (you) as being "the one". At the very least a "soulmate" is someone who wants to be with you! (And vice versa)
"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."
- Oscar Wilde
shah alam shah on March 17, 2019: