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How to Identify an Abuser Before Abuse

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Opening Scene -- The Male Abuser

The potential abuser gives the impression of a puppy with a hurt paw. The term 'pathetic' almost applies.

Sad, lonely, needy, this is the last person in the world one fears.

The potential victim begins by being 'nice'. She feels sorry for him. Maybe he was dumped by his previous girlfriend or Had to break up with her because of ---.

If he's young, his problem is his family, if he's old, it is his ex. The poor puppy has suffered.

The relationship begins as 'just friends".

Conversations, compassion, maybe even financial aid. The Potential Victim feels she has the upper hand. He depends on her, she doesn't depend on him. Further, she has so many people in her life, he has only her.

As the relationship proceeds he displays the kind of all encompassing love she never imagined really existed. In a way she feels guilty that she doesn't love him like this.

She begins to feel that no one will ever love her like this, and although she may try to break it off, the way he becomes upset makes her realise it would be cruel.

The Female Abuser

There are two totally different patterns female abuse takes.

Unlike the Male who follow a virtual Map, so the woman who survived, escaped, and analysed, will not make the same mistake, female Abusers adopt one of two patterns depending on their financial situation.

The First is Benefactor who buys her man.

The Second is the Lemur Lady who makes the man think she is helpless.


Opening Scene - The Benefactor

She enters his life and can solve all his problems. She has the money, she has the power, she has control.

He may be dazzled by her wealth and how she lavishes it upon him. She will seem so focused on him, his needs, his life, that it is overwhelming.

No one has ever loved him like this. No one has ever given him so much. He can't afford to lose her.

He will put his friends on hold, he will do whatever it takes to keep this great benefactor in his life.


The Lemur Lady

She comes into his life so quietly. She doesn't argue, she doesn't criticise and she is just so nice. So helpful. She puts no pressure on him and is always wiling to listen to his problems.

She is always there, always quiet, and defers to him. She makes him feel so intelligent, so empowered.

For the first he has met a woman who can fill the 'help meet' role as she seems to have nothing in her life that is important to her save him.

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Her family and friends quickly become his family and friends.

Before he knows it, she is the centre of his life.

Part Two -- for Women

Any woman who has read this article, or been through it before, knows the 'Hurt Puppy' character is his masque. He uses the 'poor me' to capture unsuspecting victims.

He knows he is leading her into delusion, letting her think she has the upper hand for he has been manipulating her since 'Hello'.

What will happen if she is innocent enough to get into a relationship with him, will be abuse.

It will be abuse in such a way that at first she doubts her perceptions and he can easily lie his way out.

"I never meant to say/do, you know that's not me..."

and blame drink or drugs or some sort of outside force, so that she will believe the behaviour was 'out of character.'

Part Two -- For men (benefactor)

the man will not, at first, mind that she pays the bills, that she tells him what to do. But over time he will find that he must obey her.

He must repeat her views, be they religious or political. He must go where she wants and do what she wants.

He will, at some point, realise he is far from home, he has no one but her, and she controls the purse strings.

Often she will bear children he can stay home and mind. She will give him chores.

He will strive not to displease her. If he does, he will be punished....If she throws him out he is on the street, because he has nothing.

For Men (lemur lady)

Lemur Ladies are the most common female abuser. The man is completely deceived because she is so quiet and unassuming.

Since he doesn't consider her particularly bright or able to manipulate anything, he is unaware of what she has accomplished.

He doesn't realise her friends only pretend to be his friends. He doesn't realise that as soon as he has sex with her she will become pregnant. And then, of course, he will marry her.

She will take that Mrs. and remain the same... or so he thinks.

He doesn't get, not right away, that she does exactly what she wants when she wants and he is dragged along.

He doesn't know that she will control everything in his life, and he won't realise it until the very end, if he realises it at all.

Closing Scene

For Women

For women, as soon as you meet the Puppy with the Hurt Paw, mark him 'Potential Abuser'.

Note how he tries to fill all the corners of your life. Note how he demands so much attention.

Note how you feel sorry for him so do things for him you really wouldn't do for an equal.

As soon as he starts to put 'love' or 'caring' language in your ear, end the relationship.

"Puppy, I'm sorry, I really don't want to be involved with you."


"I'm not interested in you like that."


"This is going to be our last conversation/meeting".

Watch how angry he gets. The words he uses, the tone, the animosity.
Sounds more like a rabid wolf than a hurt puppy, huh?

That is because he always was a rabid wolf.

Write it down if you think you'll forget; anyone who seems a 'pathetic loser' should be avoided, because real pathetic losers don't advertise.

For Men

As soon as you notice this woman is paying for everything, is making all the decisions, and you are becoming accustomed to this, end the relationship.

End it before you become a 'kept man', before you are a virtual slave.

You don't need to wait for her to hit you with something, then call the police if you strike her, for you are not an equal in her eyes.

She can dump you without a cent in some strange place, and go off, because you have nothing and no one.

Which is how abusers get so much power.


Repeat the phrase; "If it seems too good to be true, it isn't".

Men only play weak when they want to fool women. No man, even a weak one, would let a woman think he is weak. The reason 'Puppy' does is to lure you into the false sense of security.

Women only pay for everything when they are buying the man. Once they hold the purse strings the man either jumps or is pushed.

The same way she can buy you she can buy someone else. How much of yourself are you willing to sell to please her?

Women only seem to be doormats when they have a plan on how to control you. They make you believe you wear the pants but they make all the decisions, behind your back or in your face.

When you realise that all your friends are gone, and that the only people you associate with belong to her (or him) it is too late.

Be Aware

Understand Abuse before it happens to you. Never think..."oh this is different", it isn't.

Male Abusers follow the 'pattern' of emotional abuse, segregation from friends and family, intellectual abuse, spiritual abuse, verbal abuse, and then, physical.

Some don't need to be physical, for the other abuse has destroyed the woman.

Female Abusers who are in the 'benefactor' category will use money to own and operate. They make it clear they control and either he obeys or suffers.

Lemur Ladies fool the man into thinking he 'wears the pants'. He doesn't. Many of these 'introverted' 'helpless' women so totally absorb the man that it is only when she kicks them out they realise that they were used.

Be aware.


qeyler (author) on June 28, 2010:

A friend of mine asked my advice about this hurt puppy. I told her to break it off now. End it. She did. She called me back, exclaiming on how vicious he became. I told her, you have just protected yourself from an abusive man. This is how 99.9999999% of all abusive men get victims.

Faye Constantino from Florida on June 28, 2010:

Wow, I wish I'd read this before. I have taken in so many strays! Yes, I have come out of the closet as a pathetic sufferer, only because there were so many coming to me with their hurt paws I finally stood up and shouted "I am Hurt Too!" then it became a match of "whose hurt is bigger" and in the end I find these "puppies" have gone away. They don't like "whimpering" to someone who says "Yeah, I'm wounded too!" and so they don't like me. I hope I have not turned into an abuser after all the years of being abused, I refuse to be a victim any more, I know that much... This is a great hub.

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