Introduction to Finding Nice Women 101
Now, I've said it many times over the years: Nice guys don’t have to finish last, but many seem to make that choice. Time and time again I've seen nice guys pass up nice women and end up with women that aren't nice at all; in fact they've been quite the opposite. They end up with women that are unappreciative, ungrateful, drama queens, nags, demanding and high maintenance, rude, selfish, unfaithful and just downright mean spirited. This has always confused and baffled me, and I've often joked about teaching a class for men called “How to Meet Nice Women 101.” Well, I decided to get a bit more serious and so instead of teaching a class (which is more difficult to accomplish) I’m doing the next best thing—writing a Hub.
I’m sure you’re wondering: what are her qualifications? What makes her think she knows so much? My answer is, I don’t know everything and I’m not a trained professional, but I've learned lot by watching. I’m 33 years old and I’m a “nice girl” who has helplessly watched from the sidelines as male relatives, co-workers, good friends and acquaintances alike have continuously made poor choices when it came to women and dating. I’m a shy quiet-type (but can also be a social butterfly) and have always been the silent observer in life, but I've been making mental notes of everything I've witnessed. I may not be an expert on men or even an expert on dating, but there are two things I am an expert on: observation and women. If you need women decoded, look no further. I will even teach you how to classify and categorize women by type— and how to avoid common traps and pitfalls that some women set in place.
So, if you are serious minded and want to find a nice woman to settle down with, to have a long-term monogamous relationship with, and you are having trouble finding one, this hub is for you. (If you are not serious about dating and don’t have the intention of seeking a potential mate for marriage, go find another Hub). It’s time to start analyzing what you are doing wrong in relationships and learn how to attract the women you want; to learn how to filter through the “baddies” to find the good ones. It’s time to use your logic and brain power at the forefront of your decision making, secondary to your hormones. You can find someone who is both compatible with you and physically attractive to you, without having to settle for less than what you deserve and condemning yourself to years of misery or a messy divorce.
Lesson #1: Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places
First of all, you are not going to find a quality woman at a bar or a club. Those places are meat markets and draw people that aren't looking for high quality or long lasting relationships. There may be the occasional "nice girl" that gets dragged along with a group of friends, but they are few and far between. Finding your future "soul mate" at a bar or club is like winning the lottery: possible but not very likely. It would be much wiser to go places that you like to frequent or that involve your interests and hobbies. Are you an avid book reader? Try to strike up conversations with women at book stores and libraries, or join a book club. Are you an animal lover? Frequent pet shelters (or volunteer at one) to meet other female animal lovers. Go to places that nice women go to; nice women volunteer a lot or are active in their community. Nice women work at day cares or visit the elderly at rest homes (or work at one). The idea here is, whatever your interests or hobbies are, I can guarantee that there are women that share those same interests. This accomplishes two things at once: it's a great way to break the ice and it increases the likelihood that you will impress them, because you already have a known common interest. You certainly don't have to have everything in common with a woman to have a successful relationship, but having at least a few things in common helps. If you are total opposites, you will grow too far apart in the long run. Having some shared interests are good building blocks for a long lasting relationship.
Lesson #2: Being Nice Doesn't Mean You Have To Be A Pushover
To be blunt--real women want real men, not boys. Women want men who are confident and sure of themselves and who don't back down from a challenge. The main reason why many women end up with "jerks" or "bad boys" is because they often exude confidence and know what they want. It's not because women like being mistreated or disrespected (for the most part; I'm sure there are some that do but they have some serious issues), but they are willing to settle for that if they can't find a nice guy that is willing to "man up" and take charge in life. At the end of the day, most women prefer a "jerk" over having to be someone's "mommy." I'm not saying women shouldn't be supportive of men and nurture them, of course they should; but they shouldn't be having to run your life and make your decisions for you. The man in the following video has some pretty practical advice for men and says it better than I ever could. (I apologize for his use of profanity but it's actually the tamest of all the videos I looked through and also the most relevant).
Man up, and you will attract women!
Lesson #3: Types of Women to Avoid
Generally, women fall into one category or another (although sometimes they are in multiple categories). Men will often confuse one species of woman for another, or be blind to what they truly are. Those women count on this, and take advantage of naïve men. They will test, coerce, and/or manipulate you to no end until they get what they want from you. You should try to avoid these types at all costs, and to help you do so I have classified them by type using my own system of taxonomy.
- Maxime Superficialis Femina: Also know as "gold diggers", these totally superficial ladies want nothing more than to see how much money and/or free stuff they can get out of you. You should never begin a relationship by trying to entice a woman with lavish gifts or you will fall prey to this type. They'll lead you on just to get free drinks or meals. They convince you to get them jewelry or clothes using their "feminine wiles" or by seducing you. Now, I'm not saying don't buy gifts or spend money on the woman you are dating. What I'm saying is, don't let them take advantage of you. The ball should be in your court and it should be entirely your decision--spontaneously buying them flowers or a necklace is one thing, but if they are constantly asking or hinting for you to get them things--you best stop being an enabler, or you will soon find yourself with an empty wallet.
- Tigris Femina: Also know as the "man eater" or "succubus." Have you ever heard that 80's song called Maneater? If you haven't, listen to the video below and heed the song's warning. Not to be confused with the previous type (because she shares some traits), this woman will consume you. She is very cunning and intelligent. She is very assertive (or aggressive even) in her approach and will typically try to seduce you right from the get-go. She will pull out every stop and use every trick in the book in order to completely take over your life. They have been known to stalk their prey, even following them to see where they live (before dating them). If you are foolish enough to sleep with them, they will ensnare you further and possibly even get pregnant on purpose (in order to force a marriage). They will use you until they've exhausted all your resources (financially, emotionally, etc) and then move on. If you are foolish enough to marry one, she may even use children as leverage and stretch out the tyranny for years. *Side note - she may initially approach you as tame as lamb in order to reel you in. This is why it's so important to take the time to really know someone before you marry them; a leopard can't hide it's spots forever.
Don't fall prey to her!
- Maxime Femina Narcissistic: These ladies are totally narcissistic, self absorbed and only care about furthering their own needs and feeding their ego. They often require constant attention or compliments from other people, and will become very hurt or angry with you if there is even a hint that you may be neglecting them or criticizing them. They may approach you with a sob story about their life in order to gain your sympathy; don't fall for it. Be leery of any woman who immediately tells you their entire life story with too many details (and almost never happy stories). One of the worst reasons to start a relationship is because you feel sorry for her or want to try to "save" her.
- Tragicus Multum Femina: Also know as "drama queens" or "nags" these ladies thrive off of constant chaos and drama. It's like conflict supplies their lifeline and they will constantly try to stir the pot. Their buttons will be too easy to press or they'll have so many buttons that it's impossible not to hit one. They'll also find all your buttons and press them when it suits their needs. They will go out of their way to find flaws in anything and everything, from how you comb your hair to how long it took you to run to the store and everything in between. You'll have to stop inviting friends over or stop making plans at all because she has caused yet another argument to ruin your day. You'll also find yourself walking around on eggshells most of the time in order to try and fly under her radar. You'll keep telling yourself that maybe if you just put more effort into appeasing her that things will get better. I promise you, they won't. You better head for the door, if you want to keep your sanity and your hair intact. The right woman should be adding to your life, making it easier and better--not taking away from it and adding constant burdens and stress. You should feel uplifted by her, instead of wanting to bury your head in the sand.
Lesson #4: Take It Slow Before Deciding That "She's The One"
The worst mistake you can make in any relationship is jumping the gun. It's so important to take the time to really get to know her before you make a huge commitment. The time frame it takes to really get to know someone varies, but generally I recommend at least a year (longer if you don't see each other regularly). Although I know in many cases it's not the primary cause, every failed marriage I've ever witnessed had a common thread: they got married after only knowing one another for 6 months or less.
- Don't try to change her or "hope" that she'll change: I used to think that only women made this mistake, but I've witnessed too many men who made this same mistake and paid for it dearly. Don't let this happen to you! If she's highly independent, don't expect that she'll ever magically become more needy. If she hates cooking and cleaning, she's probably always going to hate it. You need to decide what your deal-breakers are and stick to your guns. What personality traits are you willing to put up with long term? While it's true that people sometimes grow and change over time, there is no guarantee that she will change in the way(s) that you need or want, and it may take several years for that change to occur (if it ever does). That is no way to live life--it's much easier just to find someone who already matches your preferences than to try to mold someone into what you need. It's OK to make compromises about the little things, and everybody gets on each others nerves sometimes; but if she is driving you totally crazy before marriage...it's only going to get worse over time.
- Have the same religion or ethics: If you are a Christian and she's a Pagan, unless one of you is willing to convert, it's not going to work out. Having different religious beliefs is not wise, and only has potential to create great conflict at some point. You must have matching personal beliefs and ethics. If you're an atheist or non-religious, then you should seek people that have the same ethics as you. Otherwise, later on down the road, you will find yourselves bickering over how to handle certain life situations and even how to raise your children (if you or her even want children, which is also a good to know ahead of time). There may be some exceptions to this rule, but in my experience those are few and far between.
- Hold off on physical "intimacy": Sorry guys, I understand that men have testosterone and needs, but it's a proven fact that sleeping with someone too soon in a relationship dooms it. It's actually one of the major contributing factors in many failed relationships. Waiting until marriage is even better (and more rewarding), but I am realistic and understand that we live in a modern society and have many people with their own beliefs and ideas about human sexuality. All I can say is, if you choose to get physically intimate before knowing the person very well or being in love with them, it creates a false emotional "bond" with that person, and clouds your judgement. It may even trick you (or the woman) into thinking you've fallen in love. It complicates things emotionally, makes you or the woman feel "needy" and may cause you to stay together even if you're incompatible. Even relationship experts agree that you should know the person well and at least have a monogamous committed relationship before you become physically intimate if you want the relationship to succeed.
Final Lesson: No Risk, No Reward
Finally, you have to realize that no matter what, when you enter into a relationship with a woman you are taking a risk. You could follow all of my advice, take every precaution, know a woman for years and the relationship could still fail. Every situation is different, because at the end of the day we are all complex individuals who can't always be generalized or are exceptions to the norm. What works for every couple is different, based on their wants and needs. It also takes two to tango; you can do everything in your power to make it work, but if she doesn't put forth the same effort, recognize that there are problems and work with you to solve them, there is nothing else you can do. Don't kick yourself for it--just learn from your mistakes and walk away knowing you gave it your best effort. It just wasn't meant to be. If you keep trying and don't give up, eventually your persistence will pay off and you will find the right woman.
Author's Note: I hope you have gotten something out of reading this Hub (even if it was just a good laugh), and I wish luck to all the "nice guys" out there. Feel free to leave comments, thoughts, insights or suggestions.
David Ferguson on May 07, 2017:
Confused that sums it up.
When I was 12 was the only time and last time. She was 16. Ok when I was 21 I was asking a 19 old girl out 3 times she only wanted to be friends. How to get out of the friends zone. Now last year I got close to a co worker. I found out she was leaving so I made a going away gift . I already made a animated strip of shark coming out of water and going back in water. So I made zoetrope out of ice cream container and magic marker stand so it can spin.
I brought it up to her and she thought i was showing it to my boss for show and told her she can keep it that when I found out she was staying. That's when she walked over to me and I hugged her for 10 seconds. This was in front of my mom & sister & my lady boss.
Now sept 2016 she called and gave me 2 hour notice so I talked with her she was married before for 15 years she walked out on her own. So I walked out with her and hugged her for 5 seconds and told her I'm going to miss you that was during the hug and that's when she started moving .
She called a month later to find out how I was doing and I asked her the same thing. I still text her now and then and this year I text her on Easter and she sent a updated photo and I did the same.
She's 50 and I'm 47. She moved down south. How's the best way to get notice. My brother is married and I helped him out this year. We were in bar. The lady was more focus on my brother then me and later on I had to turn keys back to her and she gave me her number to give to my brother and like I wasn't their. My brother hads dirty blond hair and asked him what's your secret and he said it's the shorts.
The company that I'm at been loyal for 26 years and wear two different uniforms and she was only their 1 year 1 month.
micheal on July 31, 2016:
Any Man can get a million Women anyday But it takes a real Man 2 love 1 Woman a million ways! Are you ready to be loved a Million Ways! I like to open doors and hold hands while walking down the street. I enjoy surprising a lady. I am loyal, patient, respectful, considerate, sociable, honest and romantic. I am a cuddly Teddy Bear with a great sense of humor. I’m a sophisticated yet down to earth man who enjoys nature, traveling, experiencing new cultures, being at home and spending time with family, friends, entertaining together, listening to music, candles, romance, parties, dancing, chocolate, wine, cheese, bread, fireplaces i am a widower and i lost my wife three years ago but now want to have a happy ending but i have a child living together
The person I hope to meet would be spontaneous, honest and open minded; someone who likes to communicate, is kind, warm, intelligent, and confident. I am looking for a relationship where there would be fun, laughter, friendship, love and mutual respect, I'm straight person, and i want to build nice friend/relationship which last long and never ends with someone kind and nice, I know you are out there and it's just a matter of time before we find each other I am looking forward to that day with all my heart. send me message on michealtaylor334/at/yahoo/dot/com be waiting to read from you
Sarah C Nason (author) from Fresno, CA on March 09, 2016:
@ Vincent - You are welcome, thank you for the comment. You just made my day. I'm really glad you enjoyed it.
Sarah C Nason (author) from Fresno, CA on March 09, 2016:
@ mike - I know many good women that appricate hard working men and men with trade skills. While there are lots of superficial gals that are drawn to muscle types, or what not, you don't want that kind of woman anywyay, so who cares its their loss. Instead, find the one who will appricate your skills and labor.
Vincent on March 06, 2016:
Thank you so much. Out of all the things I have reviewed on the internet, this hits home with me.
Sarah C Nason (author) from Fresno, CA on July 03, 2014:
Thank you so much for your comment!
Mona Sabalones Gonzalez from Philippines on July 02, 2014:
I think I know someone who will benefit greatly from this, so I' sending him the link. Practical and truthful.
TheVeryTruth on July 27, 2013:
the way that many women have changed over the years finding a real good one for many of us good straight men is very hard today, especially with the attitude problem which most of them do play very hard to get as well. trying to approach a woman that will interest me is difficult since they will curse at me when i thought that she would had been good to meet, and i had this happened to me several times already. i know other men that had similar experiences with women like this since many of the women of today have become down right very nasty which they are certainly not worth meeting anyway. obviously many women now are nothing like the real ladies that we had back then which is certainly the reason why many of us men can't meet a good woman anymore to settle down with. makes me wonder now how many gay women do we have out there these days.
Barbara from Stepping past clutter on May 21, 2013:
Sarah, yes, we are all flawed human beings!
I have to say, I was considered a bad risk by my mother in law, who thought I was a gold-digger or worse. Over time, I have been the best wife for my husband; I have been faithful and willing to put up with choices he makes, even if they cause us stress. I have been there for her and I have been a good mother to my children.
I was just a bit confused, having been in bad relationships for too many years. I agree with what you are saying here, but we are truly all flawed and sometimes it takes love and commitment to bring out the person we were truly meant to be.
I don't know how one tells that a woman is going to become the type of wife that stands by her man, is happy in rich and poor times, in sickness and health. I think digging deeper than surface stuff. like where you meet the girl and if she is a virgin, i.e., you meet in a bar (one friend met her husband in a bar and they have been married 21 years) versus in church (another friend met her husband in church and they too have been married 21 years) or even in high school (a third met her husband in high school and they have been married 26 years), well, there is no easy answer. I met my husband in graduate school and we have been married for 27 years.
Out of the four of us, the majority were not virgins... and the one who was is not the one who met her husband in church!!!
What we all shared was our strong commitment to the institution of marriage. And guess what? We have all had similar issues in our marriages, because marriage is about commitment more than love at times.
The trick, I suppose, is to figure out what makes a woman tick, not to base a relationship on looks, which will fade. Yes, there should be an attraction! But that isn't what will keep a marriage together for years.
Sarah C Nason (author) from Fresno, CA on May 20, 2013:
Storytellersrus - Thank you for sharing your experiences and knowledge, it is much appreciated. I mostly wrote this article to be funny, with maybe a little practical advice. Really, it was out of frustration because I've always been the "nice girl" who watched from the sidelines as guy friends, acquaintances and family members made very poor choices when it came to dating/marrying women. It's true what you say, there is no one way to go about it, sometimes it just comes down to luck. No, there is no way to predict how a person will turn out to be down the line, although in many cases I've seen clear red flags that people just ignored, and of course later it became problematic (as I had suspected it would). It's true, love is a commitment which many people don't realize. It's not always that warm glowy-feeling like how people have towards the beginning. It's a decision--that you're committed to this person, through the good and the bad, even on days when you are fighting and maybe don't like them so much. I agree with what you say. Great comment! Thanks so much.
Sarah C Nason (author) from Fresno, CA on April 21, 2013:
Sarah or Sarah Christina is fine, either way.
I agree with your remarks regarding Samson and Delilah, it's true, men are weak willed and smart/cunning women take direct advantage of this. Still, men should learn to have more self control. If they don't allow themselves to be manipulated, if they have their integrity no matter what, such things would not happen. That's why Adam was punished along with Eve, he should have known better, questioned her and stepped up to the plate. But he didn't. And here we are.
Ah, that's another point I meant to make but forgot to include...women acting nice until marriage ('cause they know they got you now) and then revealing their true selves. Although, to be honest, I've heard many women report the same thing about their husbands. I've always thought it was wrong to falsely represent yourself to another person, but many people do, in order to seem more "appealing."
Of course I know women are better at sniffing out fraudulent women, just like men are better at recognizing jerks etc than women are. We know our own kind. That's why I wrote this hub, to try and help men see a little bit of the signs to watch out for. I'm hoping anyone who reads this will recognize some of the traits I've pointed out in the women they've encountered and it will produce a light bulb. I do understand that some women can be very good actresses, but if you are carefully watching for signs, eventually they will slip up because NO one is perfect. Unfortunately, I've noticed men will be blind to the clear signals, because they are so entranced by the woman they've become blind. This is when they need to be hit over the head with a frying pan or have cold ice water dumped over their head. Love is not blind, LUST is blind...real love is when you know a person for who they are and love them despite their faults and weaknesses. Love is a commitment. Too many times, I've seen men confused lust with love, unfortunately. And this is what has caused A LOT of problems for both genders. Women are guilty too, of course. At the end of the day, we're all flawed human beings, right?
CJ Sledgehammer on April 21, 2013:
First of all...do you prefer to be called "Sarah Christina" or "Sarah"?
It is hard to find a good girl and even harder to find a good girl that is also a nice girl. There are many "nice" girls, but many of them seem to be quite generous in giving their "love" away and that is a big turn-off to me.
In my mind and through my experience, I think the "bad" girls tend to mimic what a man's perception of what a "good" girl and "nice" girl is...and then become that very thing (if just for a moment in time). I believe this is where the saying "Men marry women hoping they won't change..." and the term "Letting her hair down" comes into play.
Please remember that women are better sniffing out a fraudulent woman than a man is because women are closer to the action and know all the manipulative tricks...even if they don't choose to employ them themselves. Like a pride of lionesses, women tend to gravitate toward "herd mentality", so they know the "sisterhood" and its membership quite well.
It is also true that the "squeaky wheel" gets the oil, but let it also be known that I am not attracted to loud women or those who are overtly flirtatious.
In my experience the bad girls are those who are eager to employ their bag of manipulative tricks upon men and do it with reckless abandon, whereas the good girls do not...or at least not nearly as much.
And, let's be real...men are suckers and are easily influenced by a female's manipulative ploys. How else was Eve able to get Adam to eat of the fruit and how did Delilah get Samson to lower his guard so she could cut his hair?
I think what I am trying to say is that good girls choose not to pursue their quarry and sink their talons into man flesh like their twisted sisters do. It is also true that men tend to fear rejection and a woman who is more aloof seems like a bad bet, whereas a predatory female is willing to lure a man into her web of deceit through compliments, encouragement and positive reinforcement, before delivering the lethal kiss of death a little while later.
I'll be back for more, Sarah, and I'm just now starting to warm up. :0)
God's blessings to a fine young woman - C.J. Sledgehammer
Sarah C Nason (author) from Fresno, CA on April 21, 2013:
Thanks, C.J. Sledge, for such a detailed commentary! Yes, it's true that no matter how careful you are, there are still a lot of variables. There's always the exceptions to the rule, and you just never know sometimes. I'm sure men do feel like good women are hard to find, but it's not as hard as they think. We get tend bi-passed by the more assertive ladies and fall into the background. We're sometimes shy and aloof, and it's too often that I've seen the loudest girl in the room get the guy. From a woman's perspective, it's hard to find a good man. Men that don't want to just get in your pants, or use you; men who don't want to commit, etc. I guess it's a two-way street. Well, I'm glad you enjoyed my Hub. Thanks so much!
CJ Sledgehammer on April 21, 2013:
It's not every day that I hit every button, but in your case I hit every one of them and was looking for more. :0)
Wow...2 Hubs already!!! Now, no one can call you a "One Hit Wonder" anymore. :0)
Sarah, I just loved your article...it was well worth the wait. Your writing style is fluid and seamless, while your imagery is vivid and clear and your message is both thought-provoking and relevant.
In my experience, finding a good woman is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Believe me when I tell you I have done quite a bit of volunteer work in my lifetime, but most of the women I have met are virtual replicas of one another. This is to say that there is little difference from the choir soloist from the bar maid. Makes me think they all listen to the same music and watch the same television programming.
According to King Solomon, it was hard to find a good man, but a good woman was next to impossible to find. I will disagree with his royal majesty (that it is impossible to find a good woman), but I will agree with the sentiment that it certainly feels that way.
I have known a man and a woman who met and married within the same 24 hour period and have been happily married for the past 35 years. I have also known a man who married a lovely church going lady after knowing her for 10 years, just to go through a horrendous divorce. Heck, there was a wonderful pastor and his wife that I adored. I asked them where they met and they told me it was at a bar. Go figure!
The bottom line is that luck also plays a role in the romantic drama that unfolds between men and women. It is true that one cannot be too careful, especially these days, but even taking one's time and taking great preparation is no guarantee of marital bliss. All one can really do is limit the chances of failure, but they cannot be eliminated completely because there are just too many variables.
Yes, taking one's time is still the best way to go and only a fool would rush in where angels fear to tread, but about the only thing a good man can really do is to be vigilant in his search, keep his rocket in his pocket, take his time in the selection process, spend time in prayer, keep his eyes wide open and caress his lucky rabbit's foot. :0)
Simply an enjoyable and wonderful piece, Sarah, thank you so much.
May our Heavenly Father bless you and yours - C.J. Sledgehammer