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How to Deal With Jealousy

Rosalie is an experienced relationship adviser who dedicates a great deal of time to writing about common complications in relationships.


Where Do These Feelings Come From?

Jealousy is directly linked with self image. If a person has many insecurities, it will be easier for them to get jealous. For example, think about the thoughts that you may have when experiencing jealousy. Typically, it will start with something such as, "Why is my boyfriend texting another girl?", and the next thought will be something like, "She's so much prettier than I am. Maybe he should be with her instead of me.". These negative ideas are the roots of jealousy, and the only way to deal with these feelings is to figure out where the thoughts came from and eventually get to a point where you can ignore the thoughts.

In many cases, negative self image comes from a problematic childhood. If a child was neglected, perhaps, they may need more attention as an adult and may get upset if their significant other pays too much attention to another person. If a child was a witness to a toxic relationship or scolded by a parental figure too often, they may grow up to have a poor self image.

How to Discuss Your Jealousy With a Partner

If you feel insecure in your relationship, you need to speak to your partner about it. Bottling up your emotions won't help you at all. Sit down with them, and start the conversation with something like, "I really care for you, but sometimes I feel uncertain in our relationship.". When talking to a partner about your jealous feelings, try not to make it seem like you are accusing them of anything because this could start an argument.


Inducing Jealousy For Attention

Making your partner feel jealous is something many of us do. This is because in relationships, we like to feel secure and loved, and if your partner has a negative reaction to you flirting with another person, it assures you that they care about you and don't want to lose you. This is an issue because it is purposeful and hurtful, and if you are constantly doing this, you might be broken up with.

If you believe that your partner is purposely making you jealous, you need to discuss it with them. After all, communication is the key to relationships. Explain to them that, while you cherish them deeply, it bothers you when they act in a flirtatious way to other people. Hopefully, your partner will understand and apologize.


When you find yourself in a disagreement with your partner, it is very hard to take the higher ground and apologize- especially if you think that you didn't do anything wrong.

Suppose your partner is angry that you were messaging someone else. This is a common argument among couples, seeing as social media dominates most of our lives, but that's a topic for another day. Your partner says that they read your messages while you were in the shower, and then they say something along the lines of "maybe you should just be with them instead".

Your first instinct is probably to fire something back to them, to argue with them until you turn blue in the face, but just rewind a bit: if you listen closely to what they said to you, they are obviously very insecure about you talking to this person. The correct way to deal with this argument is by responding along these lines: "I'm sorry that I was talking to that person. I care about you very much, and I'm sorry for making you insecure. I will try to be more sensitive to your feelings from now on."

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Now, if your partner is the one messaging someone else, you could try to approach them in a mature, calm way. Try saying something like: "I saw that you were talking to (insert person's name), and it really upsets me because when you do that, it makes me feel like I'm not enough for you." Your partner and you should always keep a level head when discussing things like jealousy. But just remember that it is healthy and perfectly normal to get into an argument every once in a while.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.


dashingscorpio from Chicago on March 24, 2017:

I believe the root cause of most jealousy is one sees, hears, or reads something that seems to indicate their mate is not as "committed" to the relationship as much as they are.

In essence jealousy is based in fear that we're going to be made a fool out of by someone we care deeply about.

Sometimes it's really about being insecure or paranoid due to baggage we're carrying around from past failed relationships.

In other instances some people really are borderline "obsessive" with their mates to the point where they don't want to share them with family or friends. It's as if they only want their mate to smile, laugh, and have good times only with them.

On the other side of things no one wants to feel like they have to "walk on eggshells" or second guess their every thought or action. Essentially it's similar to being imprisoned.

It's impossible to be happy if you're not allowed to be yourself.

If you or your mate needs to "change" in order to make a relationship "work" it's possible you're with the "wrong person".

The goal is to find someone who (already is) what you want.

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