Do Not Think He’s The One Right Away
Do not be like a hopeless romantic who, any time she really likes a guy thinks he is the one and this is it.This mentality will make you ignore all the warning signs and will land you in trouble.Do not jump to conclusions about whether he is the one or not.But take one step at a time,this way you will be far less likely to get hurt.
Do Not Rush into a Relationship with a Guy
Susan J Elliott, JD, M.Ed., a certified grief counselor advises,’’If you are both interested, go slowly. Allow yourself to have several real dates—where you meet, go out somewhere, and go home separately—before making any decisions about where this is headed. Don’t sleep together, don’t move in,don’t lend money, and don’t start a relationship. Before jumping in, figure out if this is what you want, and figure out if this is leading where you think it’s leading. Don’t allow yourself to be pushed too fast. If the other person has issues with your going slow, then you can say, ‘I need to take things slowly. If this is too slow for you, please let me know and we can stop seeing each other.’ You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is going to be pushy or possessive. You want someone who respects your boundaries. The minute someone pushes you before you are ready, it’s time for the big NEXT! sign to come down’’.
Listen to Your Intuition
Gavin de Becker a specialist in security issues, has written an entire book praising the gift of intuition. He advises that you must listen to intuition,not to experts, not to your friends but the message that comes from within you.Because neither your parents nor your friends nor someone else has the entire information about a situation,but you have.Only you can decide what's best in any situation that you face.Does your intuition tell you that the man you are dating or living with will not harm you? Or does it ever come to your mind that ‘’something is not right about him or the relationship?’’. Let your intuition be your guide. If you are uneasy about aspects of a relationship, get to the bottom of it or get out.
Following are the messengers of intuition as Gavin de Becker enlists them.
THE MESSENGERS OF INTUITION
Do Not Sleep with Players and Users
So many women get hurt when they choose to sleep with the wrong man.Getting physical in the beginning of a relationship muddles a woman’s thinking.Do not sleep with a man unless you have been dating him for 3-4 months.This is a good test to screen out players and users.
Women who do not care to follow this advice wake up one day feeling hurt,worthless and used.
Remember, if a man has been showering attention on you for days or even weeks, it does not always mean he is in love with you or finds you special. He might be chasing you just for sex.A man would choose to sleep with a woman that he doesn’t love ,that he doesn’t even find attractive.Chase does not prove love.It often proves that Men love sex.
Do not satisfy a man’s need before your needs are met. When you satisfy a man’s needs before yours,he gets what he wants and leaves. you are left feeling used, hurt and worthless.
Do not succumb to pressure. Make sure the man really values you and loves you, only then get physical.
Do Not Play Mind Games
Do not play mind games with any man.Men are often better at playing games and deception.If you happen to be dating a dangerous man and you play mind games ,you will get so confused that you will not be able to read the warning signs.Do not waste your mental energy on mind games,save it to read and observe the guy.
If you sense the man is playing mind games -- dump him before he breaks your heart.When one person plays games ,someone definitely gets hurt.
A good relationship can never be built on lies and deception.
Pay Attention to Insulting Remarks
Instead of just enjoying a man’s company, you should try to read him. Observe his actions and words. Pay attention to remarks and comments.Are they subtly insulting? Remarks like these,’’you can be really charming when you try,’’ this is slightly insulting remark.He knows that you are high value and he is less compared to you so by insulting you he is bringing you down to his level.This type of guy should always be observed closely and kept at some distance until he has proven himself innocent.They rarely turn out innocent.
Do Not Reveal Your Secrets
Do not reveal skeletons in your closet or other important information .when you tell your secrets,bare yourself emotionally--this invites attack.Robert Greene writes in 48 laws of power,’’It’s a wise man who conceals himself’’. Hide yourself .I don’t mean to say that you should put up a fake front or pretend to be what you are not.No,I don’t mean that. Be honest about your education,your age,your work,your hobbies,your views.But hide your past big failures,rejections,relationships with other men.Do not talk about your ex especially in a bad way.Hide if you have suffered from depression or abuse .Also hide the problems you face in your present life like you don’t have good relationship with your parents or your boss .He doesn’t have to know. If You don’t reveal yourself you won’t be attacked.
If you are sure that a man loves you, only then reveal some present problems that you face as he might help solve them.Even with him,do not explain painful details of past.God will heal you.
Charming And Nice But Not Good
Meeting a charming and a nice man does not guarantee that you have met a good man.Actually you should be more cautious and observant in company of these men.They are more likely to hurt you.
Gavin de Becker writes, ‘’ Spousal abuse is committed by people who are with remarkable frequency described by their victims as having been 'the sweetest, the gentlest, the kindest, the most attentive,' etc. Indeed, many were all of these things during the selection process and often still are—between violent incidents.But even though these men are frequently kind and gentle in the beginning, there are always warning signs. Victims, however, may not always choose to detect them.''
Do not Show Your Feeling
I know honesty and being frank and open are great values.But sometimes it’s better to hide what you are thinking and feeling.This is really a defense strategy not a mind game to take advantage of someone.Suppose you have fallen in love with a man and you do not know whether he loves you or not.Showing or expressing your feelings will make it worse.He will use you. First find out how he feels about you.Does he love you ?finds you attractive?. If not,just leave.Look for another man.
If you are afraid of a man, you must not reveal it.Gavin de Becker advises women in his brilliant book The Gift of Fear, not to express fear to the man causing it but use fear as a signal to smartly get away from him .
Do not express hate,love,jealousy,fear to any man.Any information that you reveal can be used against you.If you are sure that a man loves you and you trust him fully only then reveal your feelings.
Avoid Spending a lot of Time with a Guy you Have just Met
Susan J Elliot advises, ‘’You need time to think and to assess this person. Don’t get sucked into regular e-mailing, texting, or talking on the phone with someone you have met only once or twice. Take it slow and don’t be available for endless conversation.don’t give new people your home phone number or address.This advice is not meant to scare you, but to remind you to be safe’’.
Don’t Get Emotionally Attached until he Does
You think we fall in love and its not in our control at all? If you walk carefully you will not fall.When a woman falls in love she becomes blind and will put up with anything.Let him fall in love first.
Increase Your Knowledge About Men
Knowledge is power,but when put in to practice it can also save you from a lot of hurt. You should read as many relationship books as you can. Not just those books that are written for women by women but also those that are written for men.Some of the good books that i have read are The vixen Manual,Why Men Marry bitches,Day Bang.
The books that teach seduction and relationship skills to men will give you an insight into male mind.These books will reveal to you how men think and what they want.You already know yourself ,you know what you want but you don’t know how men think and what they want. Get to know him by reading books that’s written for him.If you know him well you will be much better able to protect yourself.
Emmyboy from Nigeria on July 04, 2017:
I think I like what dashingscorpio said: Don't expect people to give you what you cannot give them!
Some of the points in this hub seems like they are actually suggesting one has to do exactly just that which in my own opinion is not a very good advice at all.
You want to be in a relationship with me and yet you don't want to spend a lot of time with me, you don't want to reveal your feelings, you want to wait until I get emotionally attached to you before you do likewise, you don't want to have sex with me probably because you think I could be a player or something...
Then you might as well have the relationship alone with yourself because it all suggests that you are not ready to let in anyone else into your life which is exactly what relationships are all about.
Granted, you are trying to protect your heart but like in most things in life, it is the RISKS we do take that actually makes this life so interesting.
My advice is: fall in love with a guy but don't lose your head in the process!
dashingscorpio from Chicago on November 16, 2016:
One final note: Everyone gets hurt! (No matter what you do)
Never separate your mind from your heart when making relationship decisions. The purpose of the mind is to protect the heart.
When it comes to love and relationships must of us (fail our way) to success. If this were not the case we'd all be married to our high school sweethearts!
The important thing is to not let your history keep you from your destiny. The actions of a 17 or 18 year old boy shouldn't lay out the groundwork for all of your future relationships with men for the rest of your life!
Youth is about learning from mistakes, evolving, and adapting.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on November 16, 2016:
There's a lot of great advice in this article!
However I would say "age" of the man also should play a part in one's expectations. If a woman is in her late teens or early 20s and is dating a guy in her same age range she should avoid having unrealistic expectations.
Most guys in their 20s either just escaped from their parent's basement or moved out of a dorm room.
Their primary interest is in finding a good job, watching sports, partying with friends, playing video games, and getting laid.
The last thing on their mind is settling down, getting married, signing a 30 year mortgage, and having children. From their point of view that's the equivalent of watching their lives flash before their eyes!
Very few guys in their 20s are in a hurry to become their parents!
And yet there are many "doe eyed" girls who insist upon believing they have found their "soul-mate" at age 18, 19, or 20 something.
In the U.S. it's been reported the average person loses their virginity at age 17. The age of a average first time bride is 27 and a groom is 29.
Therefore on average people will have at least 10 years of sexual experience prior to getting married. Odds are it won't be with the first person they had sex with no matter how "in love" they were at age 17.
Ignoring the reality that most men don't start thinking in terms of settling down and getting married until they're in their early 30s can cause many women unnecessary heartache.
Another reality is many people both men and women use their youth for "casual dating" while figuring out what they want in a mate and life.
Knowing what (your purpose) is for dating dictates (your) choices.
You don't get to tell someone else what they should be doing.
The goal is to find someone who wants what you want!
It's up to you to have your own "mate selection criteria".
If you're having one bad relationship after another it's problem time you reexamine your "mate selection criteria".
Each of us gets to (choose) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.
The only thing all of your bad relationships have in common is (you).
* Note: "I know honesty and being frank and open are great values. But sometimes it’s better to hide what you are thinking and feeling."
Here's the thing don't expect someone to give you what you're not willing to give them! Whenever a guy appears to be "holding back" women see it as a bad thing. The reality is no one should feel forced to trust someone they barely know. Allow others to (earn) your trust.
Never enter relationships with a preconceived idea such as getting married. Let the nature of your relationship dictate if he or she is "the one". The goal is to be with the "right one' and not "the next one".
Lastly the waiting to have sex or not has very little bearing!
If a guy is in his teens or 20s odds are he's not going to be marrying you or end up with you in the end. If you're in your 30s, 40s, or beyond not many men are going to invest 3 months dating without sex unless they're very religious. Sex doesn't turn a true nice guy into jerk!
Odds are he was a jerk pretending to be a "nice guy".
Lastly I would say don't avoid having "the talk".
If after spending some time with a guy you decide you want to be "exclusive" you owe it to yourself to find out if he's on the same page.
Making "assumptions" can lead to heartache if you "think" you're in an (exclusive relationship) and he thinks you're just "hanging out".
In order to call him a "cheater" or "player" there has to be an understanding that was breached or promise broken.
There are some women are so quick to label men when in fact they're not in a relationship with them. Until there has been a decision to become exclusive both people have the right to keep their options open.