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How To Handle A Womanizer

Bad artwork by Tom.

Bad artwork by Tom.

You know the guy. The charm is always on, the look is always well lubricated and ready to shmooze, the woman-radar always turned up to ten. You can see him, his head turning to check out the new female coming into range, his nostrils flaring for her scent, his ears pricked to track her footsteps. There he is, coming on to your friend, your sister, your daughter. Assuming you don't live in a part of the world where you could shoot him, stone him, or have him beheaded, what do you do?

Here are some ideas.

  • Enlist some of your male friends who are unknown to the womanizer's prey to pose as the womanizer's gang. Have them say their loud hellos and ask him to make sure he brings the pretty young thing over later - so they can all have a go.
  • Get one or more of your very pregnant friends to loudly confront and accuse him of being the father.
  • Have a very attractive female friend lure the womanizer away from his prey, into a place where her husband (who is a Police Officer, Army Ranger, Marine, martial arts instructor, whatever) can observe him go just a little too far.
  • Bribe several little kids to run up to him, jump up on his lap, and yell, "Daddy, daddy! Why did you run away?"
  • Offer to buy him a drink. Whatever he asks for, give him one part gin, one part scotch, one part rum, and three parts vodka. Spike it with lemon juice and ground habereno pepper. Stay out of spewing range.
  • Put crazy glue in his hair gel.
  • When he goes to the bathroom, screw the door shut in 95 places with a cordless screw gun. Tell the victim you saw him leave and get her the hell out of there.
  • Tell him in front of his prey that an attorney has hired you to get a DNA sample for a paternity suit recently filed against him.
  • When away from the victim, explain that his target is underage and the cops are watching. Use this only if the ruse is plausible or the womanizer really, really dumb.
  • Intimate to the womanizer during a private moment that his potential prey is the daughter of a mob boss.
  • Tell the womanizer that your friend, Paula, used to be Paul, although it may not work because some guys don't care, or worse, are intrigued. Better yet, tell him her real name is Paul, and he's just dressed up for a little fun - but he likes to give much better than he likes to get.
  • In the womanizer's presence, ask his prey, pointedly, "So, are you over that little rash yet?" or even better, "Crabs all gone now?"
  • Casually thrust a sprig of poison ivy down his pants. Wear Latex gloves - for two reasons.

Comments

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on July 06, 2015:

Wow, that was a stormy one! It is said that there is a fine line between passion and hatred, but still, even with all this, you seem to care for him. But sometimes you have to draw the line, because you can see how mutually destructive the relationship has become. This is the right thing to do, because together you became out of control. Time to ask now, what was good and what was bad? So next time you can decide both how you expect your lover to act and how you expect yourself to react. I wish you luck in all your loves, present and future.

Chona on July 06, 2015:

Well, I was in 4 years relationship with a womanizer , I found all the lists of women in his phone , for the first time in 4 years I checked his texts messages I saw all kinds of love notes from different women , it happened we were drinking heavily at his house , his phone rang and my lady friend was calling him and I answered "why the hell you are calling my boyfriend at 3 am " I was so livid and screamed at here but she constantly calling him 6 times hopefully he would answer but he was so drunk to even picked his phone , so I scrawled down all the texts , sure did found all the deceitful , betrayal deeds behind my back , I was so rage , I lost control and started punching on bed stearing at me helpless , he was to drunk he could not do nothing . I was under insanity at that moment , I injured my wrist , the next day , we woke up both hurting and I saw bruises all over his face, eyes and chest, he said what happened , I told him , you told me to bit you up coz betraying me , I kindly scared , but so angry at the same time and left the bastard alone and no contact for as long as I can handle .

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on May 05, 2011:

Don't forget the poison ivy!

sunchild28 from Nigeria on May 05, 2011:

I have been trying to put a stop to this in my friends life, thanks for the strategies which you have given to me.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on February 06, 2010:

Thank you and thank you!

shannon on February 06, 2010:

oh my god tom I freaking love you ! lol right on :)

notcrazyjustright on January 16, 2010:

Ha ha ha!! Womanizing scum deserve all they get and more! Keep up the good work ladies!!

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on January 08, 2010:

Thank you, Russiangypsygirl!

russiangypsygirl on January 07, 2010:

Love this. Its funny but actually useful. Ugh, and I have just the picture in my head of the guy you are talking about. Love your mind, best hubs I've read thus far! =) Cheers.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on September 25, 2009:

Thanks so much, Disturbia. I hope my suggestions are helpful!

Disturbia on September 25, 2009:

OMG this is funny. I love your little tricks. I have a long history with men like this. I'm making notes!

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on September 19, 2009:

Thank you, Brenda. That is a very big compliment!

\Brenda Scully on September 19, 2009:

Yes you are a gentleman, someone said that previously but i don't remember who..... i love it when men try to put themselves in positions of women and understand their feelings..... not easy to do, but you did it here.....

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 18, 2009:

Thanks so much, Whikat! I do try.

Whikat on April 18, 2009:

Tom, these are funny and brilliant. I enjoy your sense of humor and logic.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 15, 2009:

Sorry if I was late. I'll send you a zip lock back of poison ivy and a pair of latex gloves to keep in your handbag for emergences :0)

Sheila from The Other Bangor on April 15, 2009:

Dang, where were you all those times I was taken in by slime-meisters?

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 14, 2009:

That would be my pleasure. Do you have any hydrocortizone?

Ktoo from Atlanta, Georgia, USA on April 14, 2009:

Thanks for the laugh! I needed that!

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 13, 2009:

The bargepole is the whole problem I think. ;0)

LondonGirl from London on April 13, 2009:

I don't handle 'em, I wouldn't touch them with a bargepole (-:

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 13, 2009:

Oh, ReuVera, you are so evil! I LOVE that in a hubber!

ReuVera from USA on April 13, 2009:

Hahaha, I am going to advise "Daddy, daddy! Why did you run away?" for some bachelor party :D :D :D

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 13, 2009:

Ah, like a psychological thriller! I like that idea very much...

feeweewv from Between A Dream And Reality on April 13, 2009:

The womanizer... what a pathetic creature... its sad that men feel like they can do anything without consequences... i like the mental retalliation.... like leaving numbers to private detectives laying around... just so they think they are being watched... then sit back and watch them squirm

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 13, 2009:

I hear they're on sale at Walgreen's!

Randy Behavior from Near the Ocean on April 13, 2009:

Thanks for the helpful advice. I'm gonna go buy some latex gloves.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 13, 2009:

Exactly.

Pest, you are one of the most popular and most imitated hubbers I know. I am unworthy, but thank you for your generousnesserity.

Pest from A couch, Ionia, MI on April 13, 2009:

Artwork?

Tom, you have quickly become one of my favortist hubbers. Can you handle the pressure of such fortune and fame?

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 13, 2009:

I have fun, Sheena, thank you very much.

sheenarobins from Cebu, Philippines on April 13, 2009:

BTW, I love your bad artwork. Promise. Very original hub, you even manage to create your own artwork as a candy to your hub.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 13, 2009:

Cindy: "Everyone laughs at my mighty sword. Why does everyone laugh at my mighty sword?" - Randy Newman

I nominate Marisue for sainthood! (If a Jew can actually do that?)

marisuewrites from USA on April 13, 2009:

That'll teach him!!! Wish I had read this years ago....very creative ideas. LOL

Scissors, anyone? I'm really not violent, though. Honest. My husband was a cop for over 30 years...women love a uniform, and I learned to forget about it, as long as he didn't look back. hahaha

Cindy Vine from Cape Town on April 13, 2009:

ROFL

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 13, 2009:

I have no complaints. I have three kids. It did its job.

Cindy Vine from Cape Town on April 13, 2009:

Oh Tom, don't sell yourself short. With that eyebrow you can slay dragons!

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 13, 2009:

Sword too short, of course.

Cindy Vine from Cape Town on April 13, 2009:

How can a gallant knight be ineffectual?

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 13, 2009:

Me a womanizer. No, I am the ineffectual 'gallant knight' type. Once I was with some people on the beach and this girl was dancing and her boob was falling out. So I told her. My buddies were all so mad at me. :0(

Bromide! That's the word I was looking for. I should have asked you, Amanda, you diabolical person you.

I plead innocense, Sheena. I am like a man who has seen too many train wrecks.

sheenarobins from Cebu, Philippines on April 13, 2009:

LOL. I like the Bribe the kids to yell Daddy. hahaha. Toms an expert, I wonder what made him write this hub. hehehe (evil laugh)

Amanda Severn from UK on April 13, 2009:

Hey Tom, you missed out putting bromide in his tea! These are all very funny, and quite tempting too. One guy who dated a friend of mine was so pleased with his prowess in the bedroom department that he had a sign on the door saying 'form queue this side'. We were enormously relieved when she finally caught on to exactly what kind of a hound she'd been seeing.

Cindy Vine from Cape Town on April 13, 2009:

Are you a womanizer, Tom?

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 13, 2009:

We dads always do, don't we /:0)

earnestshub from Melbourne Australia on April 13, 2009:

All good advice Tom. I liked the violent solutions far too much!

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 13, 2009:

Oh, so sorry. Perhaps one can hope the womanizer breathes enough of the air to become impotent.

Cindy Vine from Cape Town on April 13, 2009:

Mind you, with our air pollution levels here, any plant is toxic

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 13, 2009:

It likes to grow on the edge of the wood out a little ways into the meadow. It likes at least partial shade, grows generally low to the ground and shiny leaves arranged in threes.

for more info:

http://www.sfrc.ufl.edu/4h/Poison_ivy/poisoivy.htm

Cindy Vine from Cape Town on April 13, 2009:

Mmm Tom, where can I get my latex hands on some poison ivy?

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 13, 2009:

Thanks, Marco!

My pleasure, KCC.

I had hoped to introduce relatively non-violent solutions, K@ri!

That would be a lasting lesson I'm sure, Paper Moon, although if it actually reached the floor, you might be doing the young lady a disservice.

Paper Moon from In the clouds on April 13, 2009:

"super glue his dork to the floor" (he said with a maniacal gleam in his eyes)

Kari Poulsen from Ohio on April 13, 2009:

LOL! These sound like more fun that the shooting or stoning!

KRC from Central Texas on April 12, 2009:

Thanks for answering my hub request Tom! You did an excellent job! From the looks of things, you've created a hit everyone loves!

sharrie69 from Trinidad (an island in the Caribbean) on April 12, 2009:

I have the instant cure for that sort of behaviour...I tell him I won't get mad, I'll get even..it's a lot more fun! Works like a charm

marcofratelli from Australia on April 12, 2009:

Ahahahhqhah, nice work!

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 12, 2009:

So sorry. A little hydrocortizone should clear that right up.

Christoph Reilly from St. Louis on April 12, 2009:

So it was YOU, Tom Rubonoff, who orchestrated my demise.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 12, 2009:

Not LL listed, nope.

Susan Reid from Where Left is Right, CA on April 12, 2009:

You mean they are not all field tested in the laboratory of life?

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 12, 2009:

Someone will definitely have to try these and report back.

Susan Reid from Where Left is Right, CA on April 12, 2009:

Tom, you are a gentleman and a scholar. Women everywhere would pay handsomely to have you work some of your tricks for them! These are downright diabolical. And no doubt effective!!!

Frieda Babbley from Saint Louis, MO on April 12, 2009:

roflmao! Yet again! Agh!

Ivorwen from Hither and Yonder on April 12, 2009:

Exactly what I was thinking.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 12, 2009:

Too many times it's like watching a movie and shouting at the screen, "No! Don't do it!" It would be nice if you could scare off the predator or scare some sense into the prey.

Ivorwen from Hither and Yonder on April 12, 2009:

Good advice, and fun read.  I like the first suggestion.

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 12, 2009:

Wishful thinking on my part, Feline. That's all. Just wishful thinking.

Feline Prophet on April 12, 2009:

Hehehe...Tom you do enjoy making these lists, don't you! One really has to wonder if they're a figment of your imagination or if you talk from personal experience! :P

Tom rubenoff (author) from United States on April 12, 2009:

There were any number of times I was a shoulder to cry on for a womanizer victim. Oily bastards. If some of my suggestions are put into practice it will be no more than some of them deserve!

JanieWrites from Arizona on April 12, 2009:

ha ha! these should put that creep to rest!

jjrubio on April 12, 2009:

this was absolutely the most hillarious hub ever! And honestly I have tried one of those to get someone to leave my sister alone so I loved it even more!!! You are too clever for your own good Tom.....FANTASTIC!!!

Julianna from SomeWhere Out There on April 12, 2009:

Latex gloves lololol !!! I love the habanero trick too!!! These are unique and funny a must share with my single girlfriends...:D

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