Kari is a full-time blogger and ghostwriter. She enjoys writing about how to be happier in life and in love.
Are you scared to talk to girls? Are you scared to even look at girls? It doesn’t matter how extreme your fear is—if you are not comfortable talking to or approaching girls, then you may be letting love pass you by!
When you are scared to approach girls. . .
1. You don't talk to girls you know are a good match for you.
This is something that will affect finding the love of your life. If you know that Susan is the perfect girl for you, you probably see a lot of the same characteristics, interests, beliefs, and goals in her that you have in yourself. You would probably be a good match.
If you let these girls slip through your fingers because you are scared or because you are lacking self-confidence, then you may just be left wondering, for the rest of your life, whether or not that was the girl that would have really made you happy. Doesn’t that thought suck?
If you see a girl that you know is a good match for you, try picturing how it would feel years down the road living in regret. It may help you get the courage up to talk to her. It may even help you get the courage up to ask her out. You will never find love unless you try.
2. You may become invisible to some girls.
You may think that the girl of your dreams is going to approach you, but if you are scared and displaying low self-confidence then you may not even hit her radar.
I’ve often talked about a guy that liked me and tried to get my attention (he even talked to me) but I didn’t notice him because he was so unsure of himself. I actually didn’t even know he existed. I didn’t know his name, his face, his voice—nothing. It wasn’t until he gained some self-confidence that I actually SAW him.
So if you think that you are going to find love by sitting back and waiting for it, think again. You may be waiting for a lot longer than you anticipated.
3. Become Less Confident Every Time You Tell Yourself You Are Too Scared
Every time you stop yourself from approaching a girl and say to yourself something like ‘I probably wouldn’t get her anyway, you are adding to your low self-confidence or fear. You are literally making it harder and harder for yourself to approach woman!
In order to get over fear, any fear, you have to start talking to yourself differently and taking different actions. If you continuously avoid approaching women and talking to yourself in a negative tone then you may never get over your fear. In fact, you may be even more scared than you are right now!
4. Could be facing a life of loneliness if you don’t change your beliefs about yourself
So if you avoid girls that could be a good match for you, become invisible to some girls, and become less confident every time you tell yourself you can’t get a girl, then you may be facing a life of loneliness! You may never get a girl in your life.
I’ve seen many guys like this. Don’t think that it can’t happen to you, because it can! You may give up on the whole notion of finding love one day! You may just say ‘screw it’ and stop trying altogether. It may become more painful to think about trying to find love than it is to sit around and do something else.
Don’t become that guy!
Work on improving your self-confidence and go out there and find a girl! Find love! Everyone deserves love, and everyone has someone waiting out there for them to find.
Scared To Go In For The First Kiss?
Emmanuel on July 20, 2020:
I don't known how to approach a girl please how do I do it , I am afraid but the girl loves me when I give her an eye contact
Marshall on July 23, 2019:
As a fundamentally unattractive man, I've always believed that it's better for me not to approach women at all. I honestly don't think any woman could ever be attracted to me. I’ve been told (and read in many places online) that if I go to a gym, dress better, get a good haircut, etc., I’ll feel better about myself and that will help with my confidence around women. It doesn’t. At all. I go to the gym 3 times a week, swim 3 times a week, have a great wardrobe, have a cool haircut – but I still feel completely unattractive and so never approach women.
I also have a great, very well-paying job in my chosen profession, own three properties (I live in one and rent the other two), and have zero debt. I have several hobbies that keep me busy outside of work – so my life is somewhat balanced. But no matter what I do, what hobbies I try, what professional / personal goals I meet or exceed, nothing makes me feel good about myself and all I see when I look in the mirror is myself – a loser.
Doug on July 11, 2019:
I never approach women because there's a high possibility I'd be accused of "sexual harassment" if she doesn't find me attractive. I'm not about to risk my life being ruined.
Mikhail on April 26, 2019:
I believe that intimacy is a basic human need. Most guys can get it because they can attract a woman. I am not able to do this, and since there’s no way any woman would ever go out with me on a regular date, it seems the only way I could ever experience intimacy would be to pay a woman by the hour to go out with me (for dinner, etc.,). I’m certainly not expecting any woman to touch me – I just want to be close to a woman for once and have a ‘date-like’ conversation. Do you have any advice for a guy who has never asked any woman out because I don’t want to offend them by expressing that I like them?
Tim on December 07, 2018:
People have always told me I’m handsome, smart, funny and talented, but I know I’m not – and there’s no evidence that I could ever be attractive to any woman in any way. Other guys are / can be. The popular guys always get friends and women’s attention – never me. I honestly feel that I will never have what it takes to be successful with women – other guys are by default more attractive than me. As such I never talk to women I like – there’s no point in trying since rejection is always guaranteed.
Kari (author) on June 27, 2018:
@Allen - Well, you are right. Why try when there is zero chance. I'm not sure how you can forsee the future like that, but obviously you are sure of it. You should tell other people what they are or not capable of in love too. That way they won't try either if you don't see it in their future.
Allen on June 25, 2018:
QI’m 37 and have never had a girlfriend or sex – or even been kissed. I’m not the kind of guy who’s willing to pay for it – which is the only way I could ever have any form of physical intimacy. No woman could ever want me, so I never ask women out because rejection – at a bare minimum is always guaranteed – if not worse (she’d likely accuse me of harassment just for smiling and saying Hi).
Online dating is a complete waste of time for me – no woman would ever look at me – and if I were to message a woman, there is no chance whatsoever I’d get a reply. Other guys get dates, girlfriends, etc., because they are attractive men – at least to somebody. I am fundamentally unattractive to women, so please don’t tell me that dating is a numbers game, to gain confidence, or to put myself out there and get rejected every time forever. There is zero chance any woman could be sexually attracted to me, so there is no point in trying.
John on May 28, 2018:
Replace "scared of" with "disgusted by" and you've described how most men feel about women these days. Ladies - we're not avoiding you because we're scared. We avoid you because we don't want you ruining our lives. Now go away and leave us alone, and stop blaming us for your lack of love life.
DJ KGUDMAN on May 06, 2018:
I'm a DJ who looking for a love
Kari (author) on April 22, 2017:
@Cameron - Either face your fears or live with regret. Trust me, regret sucks much more than facing your fears.
Cameron on April 21, 2017:
I can't so this. My friends say I am scared of girls! I see the woman of my dreams every day but am too afraid to do anything!
Al on December 23, 2015:
Easier said then done, its just too hard. I cant stop feeling uncomfortable around women, let alone approach them. I dont get why people say its easy, I really dont :/
Paul on September 27, 2015:
"You do know what your problem is - you are worried about rejection and have confidence issues. Good thing is that's easy to fix... So, work on your confidence and view of rejection."
The response you gave above is really unhelpful for guys who have deeply ingrained confidence issues. These are not "easy to fix" as you characterize them - I assume by your words that you've never had real issues of this kind. For some of us though, many years of painful therapy only starts to address (not 'fix') these issues. So please don't say lack of confidence is "easy to fix" - it isn't.
Kari (author) on April 07, 2015:
@D - I totally understand. I don't know if there is anything you can do about your speech, but I do know that you can do a lot about your confidence - which will ultimately help you move past your shyness and just go for it. Check out this article for 8 HUGE tips to help you gain confidence in yourself - http://attractgetwomen.com/be-more-confident-aroun...
D on April 06, 2015:
I'm a guy with a cleft palate(cp)!! I like girls but i feel shy to talk to any1 of them. The main reason being my speech problem(cp). I think i will not/never get a grl in my life!
Kari (author) on March 25, 2015:
@21 - I think you need to stop caring about what other people think so much. That sounds like the majority of your issue. A great article on that subject is: http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/06/taming-mammoth-let-p...
Other than that, I think that you need to stop judging yourself. Talk to a girl without judging yourself - whether you like her or not. Allow yourself to be open with people and not worry about sheltering yourself from being hurt or looked at funny. Life's too short to worry about what other people think, and as long as you are making good decisions and being an overall positive contribution to this world, you shouldn't feel bad about anything you do.
21guy on March 25, 2015:
"It sounds like you are doing something wrong when you are letting women know you are interested." THAT, exacttly is how I feel. Or something like that. I can't talk to a girl in the middle of a group without thinking that people will see (or even think I interested even if I'm not) and feeling bad (or even the girl herself). I can't even look or hold eye contact with a girl on the train because of that, like people around me are judging me for doing that. And sometimes I think people just conclude that I don't like girls at all or that I'm arrogant for ignoring others. Welp.
Kari (author) on February 16, 2015:
@anonime - You do know what your problem is - you are worried about rejection and have confidence issues. Good thing is that's easy to fix. When you totally understand that rejection is not a bad thing, and that you are a great guy who has a lot to offer a girl, all that will lessen and it will much less complicated. So, work on your confidence and view of rejection.
anonimé on February 16, 2015:
I'm unsure what my problem is really. I'm one of those people who only end up speaking to ANYONE if they speak to me first. I'm 18, never had a girlfriend and don't really know how to approach girls at all. I don't have problems talking to girls that i know, but I'm worried about rejection a lot, and i definitely have self confidence issues. I don't usually ask for help because I'm stubborn and sometimes i find it easier said then do just to go up to a girl and say hi, because i immediately start to think about "what the hell am i gonna say next".
The strange thing is, I'm only in college and I've not found myself really attracted to many girls because i don't really rate them, barring a few who are totally out of my league. I'm not completely boring because I'm good at making people laugh, but I'm just sort of stuck really. I don't know what to do
Kari (author) on January 22, 2015:
She isn't relaxed with you because she feels differently about you. That's a good sign. If she thought of you as one of her friends or acquaintances, then you wouldn't notice any weird behavior from her.
Have you been flirting with her? If not, then she may not understand if you are interested in her or just talking to her. Show your interest and see what happens. Ask her out on a date and see what happens. If she is interested in you, then she may relax a little knowing that you are interested in her and things will go a little more smoothly.
If she plays hard to get, check out this article - http://attractgetwomen.com/what-to-do-when-a-woman...
And keep your eyes open for signs of disinterest. - http://attractgetwomen.com/7-obvious-signs-shes-no...
Anonymous313 on January 22, 2015:
So I am in the same class with a girl I like,she is very social and has a lot of friends.I am not scared to speak to girls,but I am when it comes to a girl I like...I have been trying to break the ice with her,but no big difference has been made...At first I would speak to her only via facebook but then I realised that it wasn't enough...and I stopped so I could speak to her face to face.We've spoken sometimes but I can't understand why isn't she as relaxed with me as she is with other people...I'm not anti-social or afraid to speak to anyone...I don't know what to do,and I can't make any big improvements...any advice would be appreciated...
Kari (author) on December 26, 2014:
@guest - Then you lack confidence to just go for it - so you do lack some confidence after all.
Do NOT live with any regrets. Be confident enough to believe that if you have the urge to do something, it is for a reason. Your inner guidance is telling you that this is something (or someone) you should do.
If you see a girl you like, just go for it. You will always feel worse when you don't do something you want to do than when you do, so incorporate that into your belief system and you will automatically approach girls you are interested in.
Guest on December 26, 2014:
I don't lack any confidence at all.It just when I am interested in a girl I just get scared and watch them pass by and end up face palming by self because I let an opportunity slip away.Im 19 about to be in my 2nd semester of college.There is this girl that im really interested in who works at the book store.One time when I went go get a few snacks was the first time I saw her when I was making my purchase we starting talking a little bit and made a couple of jokes and there was a little eye contact.It was the perfect opportunity to make a move because absolutely no one else was in there besides us,when I went home I ending up regretting not talking to her a lot more.Sometimes when I see her now I know I want to talk but I just get to scared.Even on the last day of finals of the semester when I had a chance to talk to I got scared as usual.I know I need to approach her besides that I don't know what to do.I think she is a good match too just her personality and everything about her I like I just get too scared.
Kari (author) on December 17, 2014:
As far as doing things a little different, I meant that you can't keep doing what you are doing and expect anything to change. For instance, learn how to approach women differently or stop judging women negatively and start seeing the positive aspect of every person you see. Essentially, try new things, learn new concepts, change your beliefs, take courses, read books, learn more, etc.
I'm not judging the pay for it thing. I think that it could be a viable way to help you lose your fear and build your confidence. But, yeah, if you do it, don't risk the infection thing. Make sure that you are guaranteed, in some way, that she is STD free.
Strong, better habits are learned from experience. Habits = talking to yourself more confidently, pushing past your fears (check out this quick video on moving past fear: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5ySWB0UgE0), going for what you want, speaking to women in a way that pleases them instead of turns them off.
Silver on December 17, 2014:
@Relationshipc Thank you for the reply. What do you mean when you say that i need to do things a little different? What things exactly are you talking about?
I think paying for it would give me the experience of having intimate sexual contact and losing my virginity with a woman and also possibly some confidence in being able to touch women and get close to them without fear of punishment. I dunno if it's legal in my country (UK) and there's also the risk of infection.
Yeah i don't wanna give up just yet, but i think i need to ask more confidently and not come as being too keen or needy. What are the better, stronger habits around women that i need to build? I'm afraid of initiating physical contact with them first and even talking to them on Facebook is scary and intimidating.
It just feels weird being a virgin at 23 when everyone else already knows what to do when it comes to girls.
Kari (author) on December 13, 2014:
@Vintersjel - Every sentence - actually every word you wrote tells me a lot. You are right, there is nothing I could say that would help you until you change the way you think and view yourself.
Vintersjel on December 12, 2014:
I am that guy. I have social anxiety disorder and avoid all female interaction. I just can't bring myself to talk with females. I guess that is something that can't understand because you don't have social anxiety disorder. Until you have experienced social anxiety you have no idea what it's like. Yes you can have plenty of friends who have SAD but they won't be able to relay to you what it is like. I'm 44 and haven't had female companionship in 18+ years. I seriously doubt you can give me any advice that would help me that I haven't heard before
Kari (author) on December 07, 2014:
@Silver - Sounds like you need to do things differently. Do you think that paying for it would give you more confidence with women or just an experience? That decision is up to you, but you don't want to regret it if you get nothing out of it and feel uncomfortable the whole time. It could even work against you and lower your confidence with women even more. I suppose, though, it could work for you if you think you would become more confident from it.
Anywase, you know you judge women - so stop judging women. That is one thing you have completely control over right now. Read this: http://attractgetwomen.com/judging-woman-past-will... It may help.
And, you said you have only asked a girl out a few times. That's not enough times to really understand what you are doing wrong and learn from it. If you were to give up on asking girls out, it would be like giving up on anything you've only tried a few times...which you would probably not do for most things, right?
Don't live in the past. So you missed out on some younger years to be awkward around women (which almost all guys are at that age). You have a chance to be awkward around women right now! Yay! Being awkward is how you learn. Each time you get rejected, learn why and use that information in the future. The more rejected you get, the more you learn, the less you make the same mistakes, and the more confidence you gain.
In the end all you can really do is try to be yourself. As long as continuously learn as you go, and develop stronger, better habits around and with women, then you will eventually find a woman. It's going to be uncomfortable. It is outside your comfort zone! But the more you do it, the bigger your comfort zone will get and the less panic will set it.
Also, don't get caught up in the 'I'm a virgin' thing. So what.
Silver on December 05, 2014:
As a person with mild social anxiety, this is really tough stuff. I can talk to women in a non-sexual context okay but when it comes to getting really deep and intimate or even playful with them, then in really struggle.
I used to have crazy bad social anxiety and i didn't leave my house for 14 months once and missed out on a LOT of socializing with women (around age 18-19)
The friends i'd hang around with in school would always make jokes that i'd never get a girlfriend or be in a relationship and they were right.
They'd always rub it in my face when they'd easily get girls. I'm still a virgin at 23 and getting desperate to find love and have sex. Even the thought of asking a girl out who likes me is enough to give me a panic attack. I've been seriously considering paying for it.
The few times I've summoned up the courage to ask a girl out, they either flake out or do not respond to my messages. I get terrified at the sight of a woman in public and it shows in my body language and tone of voice. I also end up judging women and so they're put off by me.
Don't really know what to do with myself now.
Kari (author) on October 06, 2014:
Justin, you are, hands down, the most articulate person that has ever left a comment on one of my articles. It sounds like you are doing something wrong when you are letting women know you are interested.
Maybe you ARE doing it in a creepy way - unintentionally of course. Maybe that second guessing yourself makes you look creepy, because your state of mind really reflects in your body language.
Don't give up! Finding love is an awesome venture.
Justin on October 03, 2014:
I can relate to this. I'm confident enough to interact with people when I need to, but I can't shake the "I'm not interesting or social enough, therefore I'm wasting my time" feeling. I can talk to anyone casually and hold a conversation, but if I let on that I'm "interested", I usually don't hear from her again. I've been called creeper and every name in the book. Fortunately I really don't care about finding anything serious anymore. I've adapted. I was raised to second guess and judge myself, and my parents apparently are amazing teachers. It makes me sick to think I'll probably die alone because I was trained to despise myself but at the same time I don't know how to break those chains of fear and anger.
Kari (author) on April 21, 2014:
@ anonimas - Everyone can change. There is nobody in this world who can't overcome fear with the right knowledge, mind-set, and core beliefs. Keep working at it and you will eventually start to see a chance.
anonimas on April 20, 2014:
im 30 and i am that guy. iv tr'd to change but can't get over my fear. i don't think i ever will. nothing helps i am a lost soul
Kari (author) on May 31, 2013:
Well said Hailey!
Hailey on May 31, 2013:
Guys don't be afraid of girls, we're are not megaeras not all of us. Do you know why girls like self-confident guys, because they feel protected with these guys. make a girl smile, give her a feeling of love and care this is all we need.
Bel from wa on December 05, 2012:
self confidence is key " don't be afraid to be yourself with anyone being you " is what will make the other fall in love with you .
dave on February 19, 2012:
I am one of those "don't be that guy" guys. It sounds like the pickup artists will school you to the methods and you will become "someone else" who can play this very difficult game. You sound like a good person (translation = "nice guy") , and that is NOT good enough.