Michelle is a self-love and self-awareness coach on her personal healing journey. She empowers others through her experiences.
What is my type?
Put simply: Blonde and blue eyes. Shaved head. Average body. Cushiony lips. I could pick apart the facial features but for me, it's the whole package. The features have to all work well together. Tattoos are sexy as fuck. And the voice...
Why is this my type? I don't know lol.
My very first crush when I was 13 years old had shiny blonde curly hair, piercing blue eyes, and a smile that could hypnotize. He was GORGEOUS. My singer crush was Nick in the Backstreet Boys and my first TV crush was Zack in Saved by the Bell. My first movie star crushes were Devon Sawa and Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
As I grew older, my type stayed the same but not so "pretty boy". I loved the tattoos, the shaved head, and that bad boy attitude. Even though Shawn in Boy meets World and Angel in Buffy the Vampire Slayer had brown hair and eyes, their tough shells but soft hearts had me swooning.
My first boyfriend had dirty blond hair (shaved) and blue eyes. My second boyfriend as well. Then my ultimate 8-year crush was also blonde-haired and had light blue eyes (almost white). Another man I dated had the same features. Then I dated a younger man who had brown hair with blue eyes. In my lifetime, I've only dated or been with people outside of those features 3 times.
While online dating, I would only swipe right on the guys that fit the features I lusted after.
I am now 32 and advise against having a "type" physically. Sometimes, the cover is nice to look at but the pages will have you bored or depressed.
Love yourself first
When I look back on my dating life I realize something. I realize that if I didn't find someone physically attractive or I didn't think that society would, it didn't matter how they made me feel. I would walk away from the connection solely based on what the world would think of me. I felt like I was beautiful so I should be with someone who is considered beautiful as well or else society would view me differently. I can only wonder the number of times I let real love pass me by because of my insecurities. When you don't love yourself, it's harder to love someone else genuinely and unconditionally. You look at people as void fillers and confidence-boosting drugs as opposed to human beings deserving love. Being with someone who was considered beautiful validated my beauty. My worth. My value. Even if they treated me like I was unworthy behind closed doors, the simple fact that they were considered hot guys raised my value out in the world.
When I started loving myself, my eyes opened wide. When I loved my own flaws and quirks, it opened my heart to loving others that had flaws and quirks. It helped me see the beauty in the uncommon. It also made me realize that looks alone weren't enough anymore. I was beautiful, yes, but I was even more beautiful on the inside and that became important, deal-breakers even.
In my self-love and healing journey, I struggled with the transition between my old self and my new self. My old self clung to those old patterns while the new me fought for a change. While looking for someone to fall in love with, I would be open-minded to guys outside of my type but then when I would find myself liking them, my old self would come in and sabotage it. It tested me. It convinced me. It kept me from committing to anyone. I chalked it up to just not being ready for real love. I figured that when I was truly ready for true love, all those petty things that seemed so important wouldn't matter. So here I was, running away from the hot guys because they were boring and superficial but also running away from the average guys because well, ego. I convinced myself that I could find someone who was the best of both worlds like I was: good looking AND a good person. Thing is, a good person exudes beauty from the inside which then spills on the outside, you just have to be open to seeing it.
In learning to love myself I learned what unconditional love really meant. I also learned that beauty doesn't have a standard. It is subjective to how someone makes you feel inside.
I ran the other way the first time
I had a new Fb marketplace message but it wasn't to buy something. Oh great, another guy trying to get with me because he liked my modelling picture. I had already judged him before even opening the message.
"I am so sorry for messaging you like this. I am sure you get many and I don't want to be disrespectful at all but you are absolutely beautiful!"
I was pleasantly surprised. I typically ignored these types of messages whether they were vile or not but this time I replied and thanked him. We ended up chatting on a daily basis. He was great! I loved his personality and we clicked right away. He would like my Fb pictures and always comment compliments respectfully. He always made me feel wanted. He wanted to see me. He talked about forehead kisses, swoon. He also commented on one of my body positive pictures where I show my mom-bod stomach and said, "If I had you, I'd make you my wife!"
So here is the problem. I was still healing. I was still stuck on the beautiful blonde-haired narcissistic I had been in love with for 8 years though he never gave me the time of day. I was still shallow. Still stuck on my type. I was also traumatized by a sexually abusive relationship I had lived through some years ago. I was torn between chasing a beautiful face and yearning to meet someone I could feel safe with.
What happens when you're not ready? You find any excuse to walk away. I did just that. He wasn't my type. He smoked cigarettes. He was too forward. He probably just wanted to get in my pants like every other guy. The stupid thing is that while I was running away from him, I was running into another guy's arms, who was also way off physically, even more than the respectful guy and I thought, I'll give him a chance. The fuck? Safe to say, it fell apart. He just wanted in my pants. The thing is I knew this. I knew it would fall apart before it even started. And the other guy? I actually liked him, he was cool and I knew I would enjoy his company. I think deep down, I knew he was a good guy but I wasn't ready and I didn't want to hurt him with my bullshit.
My needs changed
The more I healed, the more my needs changed. The more I faced my traumas, the more I needed more than a pretty face. The biggest one was needing to feel safe. Looking back, I don't remember truly feeling safe with another person.
I also realized that I wasn't the type of girl a beautiful boy could love. Well, maybe the one in a million but the ones I came across wanted casual hookups, women who worked out, and positive vibes only. I matched with none of those. I don't obsess over fitness, I like eating burgers and pizza, and I have a darkness that follows me daily. I needed someone who could love a strong laid back woman with a dark past.
The more I tried to converse with beautiful men, the more I realized I needed more than a conversation about sex, work, or fitness. I realized that a lot of beautiful men lack personality. I also realized that many beautiful men are insecure as fuck! I wasn't in tune with falling in love with another narcissist which crossed out most of the men that fit my physical type if not all.
Never mind blonde hair and blue eyes. I needed a man with emotional maturity, strong hands, and a deep soul.
I have a new type
The more I healed, learned to love myself, and be true to myself, the more I noticed that my typical type didn't excite me anymore. Fitness? Fuck that. Swimming in oceans? Not my thing. Eating right? Boring. Judging others based on their looks or lifestyle? No thanks.
Who I was didn't match with the men I was chasing at all. I'm an average girl with an average body who loves to eat, watch movies, and values solitude. I enjoy a bike ride or two but I'm not super outgoing and definitely not a thrill seeker.
I had a new type: An average joe with an average body who loves to eat and watch movies but doesn't mind a walk once in a while. A man who has been through a few things and values unconditional love as much as I do. A man with a story and a heart that can love as much as I can. A man who doesn't mind an occasional drink and who finds beauty in imperfections. A man who wears his heart on his sleeve and doesn't shy away from showing emotions. A man who is confident in who he is and is not scared to look silly. A man who would stand up for us and stand up for what he believes in. A man who is kind and finds satisfaction in helping others.
A selfless man with an old soul.
The best packages are unexpected
I was swiping left on a dating app until his face popped up. The name sounded familiar. I quickly went to Facebook and looked up the name. It IS him. Without even thinking twice I swiped right and messaged him on Facebook! I was playful and funny in my message. He replied.
We hadn't talked in six months. I rejected him. I gave him excuses. I walked away. He stopped commenting and liking my pictures, understandably. He disappeared.
We talked about our experience on the app and the conversation just went from there. Once again it was effortless. Our connection was natural. We never ran out of things to say and if we did the silence wasn't awkward or anxious. His personality had me laughing and craving more. He gave me space to be myself. He reminded me of what I deserved and encouraged me to stand in my power. He didn't shy away from reaching out first and didn't hesitate to tell me how he felt. I never had to wonder where I stood. He was genuinely interested in me and my life. He respected my boundaries and was emotionally reassuring. It didn't take long for me to swoon over his personality and soul. When I actually gave it a chance, my heart danced at the person he conveyed.
Then, bam. My ego surfaced. My anxieties resurfaced. My mind questioned everything. I analyzed his physical appearance up and down. Fear settled in.
My old self is putting her shoes on and getting ready to run. She is scared of getting hurt again. She knows she could really fall for him therefore the fall would be greater. She fears others' judgements based on what he looks like. His voice is different and that's a good excuse to turn the other away. There has to be a catch, he's probably an asshole. He just wants to use me.
But my new self, oh my new self is curious. My new self wants to believe that he's the old soul he calls himself. My new self can't stop smiling every time he shows his heart. My new self craves his strong and confident personality. My new self finds beauty in his quirks and differences. My new self appreciates the fact that he values her for exactly who she is. The cherry on top? He has blue eyes *smiles*.
I am torn between my fears and what my soul yearns for.
He is coming over this weekend. I am nervous as hell. I think I am nervous because he might be the real deal. The one my soul has been calling. I don't quite know if I am ready but I know that I have come a fucking long way from our first interaction. I also know that I need his soul in my life whether as a lover or a friend.
So old self, don't ruin this connection for me. I deserve a good man no matter what he looks like. I deserve real love and happiness.
He deserves it too and who better to love him than someone who has learned how to love unconditionally?
This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.
© 2021 Michelle Brady