Gracie is an adventurous type of person and she likes to learn new things.
Unexplained and unanswerable questions
I decided to go to the beach and try to figure out what’s happening to me. I want to feel the vibes of the water that might give me an answer to all the questions that’s bothering me. I feel like crying while writing this. I used to be a happy person full of positive thoughts in life. I love being with my friends, sharing jokes with them, and making them laugh. I thought I was happy, I thought I will never feel alone nor lonely in my whole life. Suddenly, this day came and I woke up feeling so down. I was asking myself, what’s wrong? What’s happening? Why am I feeling this? Have I done something wrong yesterday? The past few days? It’s very annoying indeed. I feel so disgusted with this kind of emotion. Now, I’m sitting here in front of the beach alone with my laptop, listening to this melodrama, and absorbing this kind of feeling. While staring at the ocean, there are lots of thoughts bothering me. Hallucinations are happening right now. I am thinking that maybe someone will come along and ask me How are you feeling right now? Because to be honest, no one has ever done that to me for quite a long time. Most of my friends vanished away as soon as I left law school. They stopped talking to me, they left me hanging. It seems like I’m not existing anymore. At first, I was annoyed but later on, I got used to it. I am also expecting that the person who will ask me will also be the one who can add up colors in my life. Well, I thought before it was colorful but in reality, it was not and it never was. I assume that everything is fine without even asking myself. I tried to fake everything, fake that I was okay all through my life. Never thought of crying into something that is not that important. See breeze helped me to at least feel the pain inside, crying is the only option to release this pain that I’m feeling but I am wondering, when will this end? If I will cry now will it make me feel better afterward? Or when I go home will I feel better? I guess the answer is No. Being here at the beach, sitting down alone, escaping the reality is temporary. As soon as I go home, everything will be back to normal. Sad life, faking things to be okay. Cheering up people, giving them advice, and how pathetic it is that I couldn’t make myself better on my own. Believe me, I tried how many times already but I ended up failing. I ended up faking things to let other people see how strong I am. I don’t want them to see the inner me or even give them hints that I am devasted inside. Completely broken. It’s hard to tell someone or anyone that hey! I need attention. I want them to give their attention to me voluntarily and not just because I asked them.
Too many questions have arisen just by looking at the waves. Am I depressed? But why and how? I’m not even sure if I’m still thinking straight right now. Can someone help me? Will someone help me? Questions which are hard to answer. Do I need a savior? Perhaps no and myself is the only one who can save me from this kind of downfall that I can't explain. Again, how will I start to do that? The time has come and I needed to go home, I hope it will give me a slight feeling of relief.
Back to reality
Now I’m at home lying on my bed with my guitar playing, nothing has changed. This elusive feeling is still there. As I play my guitar, I started visualizing about random stuff again. I seriously want to escape reality; I am wondering what if I’ll go camping by myself in the forest? With no WIFI connection, no electricity, and far from the city. What would it be living in a day without having what we used to have in our daily lives? Will I ever have this peace that I’ve ever longed for? Will it make me happy and content? Sighs! Full of questions. Questions with opaque answers. I miss being happy, genuinely happy. Life is so unfair.