Can the marriage survive?
WHAT IS AN AFFAIR?
I actually got this concept from a very old episode of Oprah. Basically what she said, is that it is cheating if you would behave differently if your partner were watching.
That is an excellent definition. For many people an affair means sex. But for other people an affair is anything flirtatious. For some couples, certain behaviors are totally acceptable, like going to a go-go bar, or flirting online in a chat room. For others, such behavior is cheating. Some couples have an open relationship where they can engage in extra-marital sexual situations, but many of those couples have their own rules, such as - no kissing, no friends, no second times.
It is important to make sure you and your partner agree as to what constitutes unacceptable behavior. What anyone else thinks should have no baring on what you and your partner agree to together. But it is vital that you and your spouse are on the same page where this is concerned.
So, you and your spouse agree on parameters for your own relationship. And your partner breaks that agreement.
TYPES OF AFFAIRS
There are many different kinds of affairs.
1 - There is the kind where something stupid happens without premeditation or thought. A bachelor party that goes too far. A drunken night in Vegas. "Oops. Sex Happened. I didn't know what I was doing."
2 - There is the kind where it's all intimacy but no physical sex takes place. Affairs online are probably the most common type of affair. Workmates, partners, online chat-rooms... "Since I didn't actually have sex, it's not cheating."
3 - And then there is the full on affair: planned meeting, purposeful rendezvous. Thoughts, romance, sharing, talking, intimacy and sex, all taking place over a period of time. Premeditated. Lying. Everything. "This isn't just a sexual affair. It is an affair of the spirit, mind, and heart."
AFTER AN AFFAIR
Can you forgive a partner that violates the agreement you've made together regarding cheating? Can the marriage survive in a healthy way? That depends.
The first thing you really need to consider is, what kind of affair it was. Let's bluntly break it down.
1 - If it was an "Oops, sex happens" thing, I think from the three types of affairs I described above, this is the easiest to forgive. I'm not saying it's OK, justified, or acceptable on any level. I'm not even saying I would forgive it. But if anyone were to forgive any kind of cheating, I can understand this one the most.
In this situation, someone's head and heart can still belong to you. The flesh was weak. Stupid. Drunk. An opportunist. In a very general way, I can understand forgiving a mistake. 'Still not saying I would, but I can understand.
2 - If it were the affair I described in the second example, that's much more than "a mistake." It's purposeful deception. An affair someone has with a person online, or a coworker, or some situation where sex doesn't happen but there is an intimacy and sharing of emotions and thoughts, is a much deeper thing. The idea that your partner spent time with this person, thinking about them, planning to be with them, having conversations and secrets, laughing and crying... to me this is much more important than one drunk night where someone's pants fell off.
Another point to be made about this, is that there is no way in hell your partner didn't know they were breaking your heart. Whatever they say, whatever they claim, they had to know it was wrong or they wouldn't have kept it secret. You would have been included in those long conversations or chats, you would have been invited to those meetings, if there really was nothing to hide.
This is not only a betrayal of your vows and promises, it is blatant disrespect to you as a person. They cheated with their head and their heart. To many people, myself included, this is much worse than cheating sexually.
3 - The third situation I described above is the full fledged Affair. The whole big enchilada. Purposeful planned meetings, sex and intimacy, closeness and conversation... an Affair, that goes on over a period of time. The ultimate betrayal of every thing that should mean any thing to your partner.
Is it possible to forgive and forget that third example? That full fledged purposeful intentional affair of the heart, mind, and body?
I think the better question is, why the hell would you? Why would you even think about taking back someone that is capable of lying to your face over and over and over again. Why would you want to be with someone whose promise means nothing?
If this is where you are, you really need to ask yourself what the real reason is for you to even entertain staying married to this person.
If your reason is "for the children" please think again. Do you really want to teach your children that infidelity is OK, or that lying to people you pretend to love is OK? You aren't showing your kids what it is to forgive; you are only showing your kids what it is to be a doormat.
Any person who grew up as a child in a household that "stayed together for the children" will tell you what I'm saying. I promise - any one of them will back me up. Many books have been written on this subject, on the guilt those children feel when they grow up for the parent's being miserable, on the lessons they take away from living like that. It's the dumbest reason in the world to stay together.
If your reason to want to work it out is that you still love this person, think about what self respect means. Get a little therapy. Take a little time. Think about how this person treated you by lying and cheating. Love is hard, and most of us at one time or another has loved the wrong person. But spending your life with a person that clearly does not love you back is a horrible thing to do to yourself. It's a horrible lesson for your children. It's soul sickening.
Let's make this clear: You deserve to be loved. This person does not love you. No matter what they've said out of guilt or fear, they do not love you.
A HEALTHY EVER-AFTER
The healthy thing to do is not spend time and energy and heartache on a marriage that isn't worth it.
There are reasons as to why your mate cheated. Maybe you married young, maybe he has real emotions for this other person. Maybe she's fucked-up, maybe he's just a coward. Maybe the marital sex hasn't been all that. Maybe kids, finances, illnesses, work pressures, and a million other things are involved.
The problem isn't that "problems" cropped up.
The problem is your mate's CHOICE was to handle the problems by lying and cheating.
A person that promises their life to you, then chooses to be a coward when the going gets tough, is not a person you can have a healthy relationship with. This person demonstrated in the biggest way possible that they do not love or respect you.
Your mate should have come to you. There should have been communication and trust. If after real effort you couldn't work it out, then your mate should have initiated last resort separation proceedings. If your partner was that unhappy, they should have gotten out of the relationship.If they loved and respected you at all, that's what they would have done.
If you like this HUB please click the “Thumbs-Up” below just before the comments.
All text is original content by Veronica.
All photos are used with permission.
All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.
imsorry on May 29, 2012:
Hi birds of a song. I just cried reading how you are feeling. I can only say that stand tall you are a good person you have made your peace by owning up to what you had done a long time ago. I too had an affair and my husband too looks at porn now and again. Reading what you wrote and how you feel, made me understand a little more about why I had my affair so I thank you for this. I wish I could say that the way you feel now does not stay with you as much as it is now. It is like a death, so upsetting distressing but in time softens. I know how you may be feeling, hurt, used, useless, helpless but what your feeling is what the other person should be feeling. This is not your fault your husband needs help,he needs to look in the mirror and change. He needs to go to a Councillor to find out why he is doing what he is. He needs to sort himself out or nothing will get sorted. You need to confide in someone just to have someone listen and take a bit of the hurt from you makes waking up each day easier. If you love him then help him if you feel you have helped him enough then move on. You will be ok no matter what your decision is. It has been 1 year on the 12th June that I had been found out. I thought my life was over and felt i deserved it to be. There were so many days I thought of ending it all as I was a nothing how many pills do you need to swallow to say goodnight. I live because my husband loves me and wants me. He still does not trust me but that will come in time. I trust me I would never hurt him again nor myself.
Birds of song you will be ok. You will fly high again because you will have done all you could, be it on your own and with your child or with your husband as well. Fly as high as you can, will be thinking of you :) lost and nearly found ( that's me)
birds of song on May 28, 2012:
It is 3:08AM. I should be sleeping but I am awake. I really feel for so many of you. This is actually my first time joining a forum.
I am 29 years old. I had my son at age 26...he is almost 3 now. My hubby is 31.
I don't really know which section my hubby falls into 1,2,or 3?
My husband has been looking at porn since I married him. I never realized it before because my parents were very strict and we married before "really" getting to know each other. It bothered me so much...it was not the normal porn. It involved woman who smoke and who were high on crack (just like his mother). It caused so much problems that I started to go astray and I cheated on him several times with different men. I didn't have sex with all the men, only one. Finally, I decided that if it was to work out I needed to be open with him. I told him of the man I slept with. I was very sorry. I told him of how him looking at that type of porn was not only disturbing for me but that it had the same affects on me as actually cheating.
We worked things out. He said he understood my hurt and sufferings. We both for the first time talked about our boundaries in our marriage. I felt we both had a clear and more understanding foundation and that we could now move forward in our marriage and have children.
Before we tried for our 1st baby, we spoke of the vows we made to each other. We held one another and promised that not only were we making our lives better for ourselves but that now we promise to never do that for the sake of our children. We talked of our parents mistakes and how we wanted more for our own children.
Now four 1/2 years later (married going on 8yrs). I have found the porn on my computer. I somehow did not find it in the past and because I put anew trust in him I was not even looking. He has lied to me for the last 4 1/2 yrs! I'm only counting our renewed vows to each other. The private vows that we made to either continue or relationship or call it quits.
I found the porn by mistake. He accidentally downloaded it while viewing it. I had downloaded a picture of my friend and her new fiance and that is when I came upon it.
I am devastated. A complete wreck. And now I have a beautiful innocent little lad who I adore. I never wanted this sort of life for him.
It has been a month since finding out. I pretend I'm okay around family. When I'm around him I'm a monster. He is constantly saying he is sorry. That he has hit rock bottom that he will never do it again.
I'm not doing good. I cry all the time. I don't sleep anymore. I go through constant ups and downs. I keep it together in front of my son, but as soon as he goes down to bed I fall apart. When I do sleep I'm dreaming.
I said that hes only sorry he got caught. He says that is not true and that he is very sorry.
Am I over-reacting?
.....by the way I have been sick for the last 4 days and in the beginning it started with a sore throat followed by cold chills and a fever. I feel like I am sick because of all this.
Please I really need help :(
I'm so sad.
flutterbug on April 30, 2012:
This has been an amazing hub. To read all the comments is very eye opening.
I just outed my bf of 2 years. During our whole relationship he as slept with 4 women (3 of them ongoing for a few months at a time), made out with 3 others and has been chatting on line with about 15 more (in varying degrees of depravity).
He claims he is a sex addict and is now seeking counseling and had entered himself into a 12 step program.
I am trying to forgive, but it is a daily struggle. I outed him exactly 1 month and 3 days ago.
He says he loves me and wants us to work it out. We will see, I suppose. I let the whole community know what he did and sent every single one of those women a private e-mail. Some of them knew about me and some didn't.
Antonio confused on March 23, 2012:
Also she said she didn't find him attractive and was useing him. She defended herself saying she would never sleep with him and that she needed the feelings she was getting from this relationship only because our marriage was at a point where it had gotten stale or boring . I am totaly confused about if I should stay or go . We have had ten wonderful years but I don't want to wonder where she is at and what she is doing forever . Am I over reacting to leave her for an affair over paper. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks
Antonio confused on March 23, 2012:
I have read many comments and this article and am haveing a lot of trouble with my situation. I am a married man of ten years who recently found out my wife was haveing a 2 relationship with a person we both knew but wouldn't consider a close friend . The relationship over emails and texts was short . About a month she says it built self confidence and mad her feel attractive . I am extremely hurt by this as I am a good husband and father of two wonderful daughters. I found out about it through a deleated email. It was in trash bin. After reading several I find it hard to forgive because she spoke to this man as if talking to me. She always says thing like cya later alligator and ect. She sent sexual text also. I t makes this so much worse that she sent him pictures that we took with each other . I really love my wife and can be man enought to admit I could have made here feel better about herself and been more romantic . But I just don't know if staying with her is the right thing to do. I don't think I may be able to get past my trust issues this has caused. Any advice would be appreciated
imsorry on January 21, 2012:
Scottish34 on January 21, 2012:
It is important that your husband forgive you, but you have
to forgive yourself for what you did as well. You can't
spend the rest of your life with your husband feeling guilty for what you have done. That is no way to live,
If your husband and family can forgive you for what you
did, then forgive yourself for the mistake you made move
on, and never do it again.
imsorry on January 20, 2012:
No matter what, an affair is totally wrong. To forgive someone is climbing a mountain,high so high, it takes such a long time to do it. Once only once no second chances... How much do you love that person? Why do people cheat.. why does one cheat?. If you are thinking about leaving someone whom has cheated on you, think of memories, time.. Look every affair is different... Someone came up to me and said I wish you were mine..told him he is my husbands friend...to talk to me normal... months later said the same thing then it went from just texting how are you etc to a little more. I feel terribly sorry discussed ashamed embarrassed remorseful dirty just horrible. I wish I could close my eyes forever. My husband has forgiven me, I will never ever get involved in anything like this again. people say there is a reason for affairs. I can not tell you why I had one. I can only say I feel ugly and always will. I am sorry to my husband and kids and family and I am sorry to all the people that have had someone have an affair on them. We are not all the same but we are all wrong. Forgive me for I am that person forgive me for I did what I would not want anyone to do to me forgive me for whom I am. I now live in HOPE hope for my husband to stay with me HOPE that we can die old together HOPE that we can make it. I am so sorry for what I have done please forgive me. I HOPE you all fine happiness and forgive those whom truly are sorry like I am.
100ktrainer from Michigan on January 13, 2012:
There is life after an affair. But repair will not be easy. It will take a lot of communicating, a lot of working on the relationship and a heap of patience. At times, it may mean calling on help from couselors, self help books, etc. When you can't do it on your own, seeking help shows you are willing to do what you need to do, to repair the relationship.
Repair has to be worked on by both partners and has to be wanted by both partners. It can't be one sided.
plumbing110000000 on January 08, 2012:
i have been with my wife for 30 years she has an ilness m/s did everything and spent 10 of thousands of dollars on her gave up everything and i mean everything for her than found out she had an affair for 4 1/2 years just want to run cant saeem to do it hate myself for this who did she think she was please help she just like i made bad choice whats that mean ?? not sure if really in life at all
Scottish34 on January 07, 2012:
It's difficult to explain the bretayal
I feel. We were not married but she was my girlfriend, my best friend, and I loved her with all of my heart. We did everything together, ballroom dancing, scuba diving, and travelled the world together. There is nothing I wouldn't do to make her happy. I
Tried to think of one thing I could do everyday to make her smile.
Now that she's left me it feels like its there is a hole in my heart. I've broken up with others, but it's never hurt this bad before. It's been 6 months... I just keep waiting for this pain I have to go away. The other man is with her and now I'll never get her back it's over I'll never see her again...
liars on January 03, 2012:
how about when your husband starts an affair with a married friend. well shes not really or never was my friend i realize now. she always flirted with him and most guys and she was unhappy since the birth of her son. anyway what they did is disgusting right in front of me. its so complicated so messed up the girl is a sick in the head drunk!! you see he new i would suspect him i trusted him!!! they both new what they were doing!! poor him-- poor her thats how i feel not only did he cheat on me he beat me down everyday!!! he went behind my back to our friend and family saying we didnt get along and we were having problems!!! he talked to her about me us and made me out to be some horrible person!!! he abused me our son and he forgot to tell these people the reason we had problems was because of him! he abused for years!!! before he screwed around they told each they love each other so much!!! she was unhappy in her marriage for years!!! i know i used to walk we her listen to bitch about it i would say then do something about!! she told she ran into her ex she implied that something was going on with him!!! this isnt her first time cheating thats when i stop calling her didnt like who she was!!! now back to my husband he started it ,but once the ball was in her court it was up to her on which choice she made!!! wasnt calling me and telling me what he did. nope she went for him she wanted a way out!! they talked about being together said they loved each other!!! there is to much to say what he did but he scummed for a little flirty unhappy insecure horrible human being!! not to mention unprotected sex yes i know have a std!!!!!! he was suppose to be my friend ive known him since he was fourteen we were friends till i was 24,and nothing else. i trully beleive he is sorry for what he did!! because i dont have time to detail everything in our life that led up to this --know one when can completely understand what happened! his drinking was the biggest problem he hasnt drank in over a year he has done everything possible in helping me heal and him! he has struggle with depression and hating himself! i have chewed him up and spit him out to his face! i have never made an excuse for what he did he choose to lie cheat abuse me and our son,for drunk flirt with very serious problems! took me along time to find me again to like me!! i like me no one will ever abuse me or my son again!! he made a choice me and were going to try and heal he is suppose to be my forever friend!! i already told him you can her! her and her rotten filthy mouthed disrespectful son who my husband cant stand! i say if you think she is the answer to your unhappiness by all means go just remember she is who she is a flirt a tease a unhappy miserable princess! and what the two of you are going to have a honest loyal devoted loving long term relationship? just remember she was screwing around on her husband making fun of him trashing him just like you were doing to me. thats what else the two of them did made fun of people talked bad about people... he become just like her i swear her took on her nasty traits he never behaved like this it was so messed up! she made fun of someone who tried to commit suicide called him scooby cause he cant talk right. he would have got what he deserved two unhappy drunks! wait till the fights start wait till your the one chasing her around at bars- her flirting ways-- how many fights do you think you will be in for her? wow!! ive said all of this and more to him,love yeah not my idea of love! i could go on forever! i dont know whats going to happen us but i do know him and he has to live with all the horrible stuff he did to me and our son and i know it kills him! my forever friend i love him i dont who that person was who did such horrible things but it wasnt him! Her i know im suppose hope she fixes herself and find her happiness cause if she had more respect for herslf in the first place she would have made changes in her life ten years ago,not just for her but her son. the angry part of me hopes he husband and his family make her life horrible!!!! i hope she suffers everyday for what she did to me and my son! because like i said to my husband you were never stuck with me! you had choice and you could have been with her without abusing me and our son! without the poor me pity party without trashing me without sneaking around lieing cheating etc... i have gone to her twice but dont satisfied i feel i still have alot to say to her! i want to verbally beat her down everyday for about couple months
new mum of 1 on December 06, 2011:
hey veronica, i much admire your advise. im in desperate need of good advise, please help me n what i shud do.
basically lng story short. my boyfriend of 3 years now, i have found him cheating on me. denied all of course until i confronted him wit his hone bill. he admitted having sex wit a couple of differ girls, was truly sorry , broke down crying, romised me sun moon and stars etc. siad he loved me endless, i was the most imortant and best thing that has hapened in his life. a few days later i found out i was pregnant. i decided to forgive him, and work on things. he is after all the love of ny life, and he blamed his actions for his troubled childhoood. pregancy was very uncertain for me, had a lot of doubts, but gradually gained bak his trust. things have been great, the best boyfriensd and father to our now 10 month old baby boy. until the ther nihjt, to my heart dispair, i found text messages again. im utterly shattered to pieces. he had previously promised he wud never EVER hurt me again, and that i was the trus love of his life too.
well anyway, after confronting him the other nte about the recent text messages, he denises it all. of course, because he knows that if he admitted it this time , that we wud be finished. he said he did not recongnise the number, etc etc, but i kno deep dep in my heart he is lying. he had cut no corners from before about deleting texts etc, but this one time (the other nte) he got unlucky.
wat do i do veronica, ( AND OTHER SUGGESTIONS FROM FOLLOWERS PLEASE),, of course i love hin deeply wit all my heart, and we have a beautiful son together, but this is not the life i so wanted, a lying boyfriend, cheater. im at my wits end, and i feel no love left in my heart. my heart has sunken i dont think anthing ever will replace it. i want to leave him, but wata about my boy, wat will everyone say, wat about my love for me.... my so so confused and heartbroken, please please knock some sence into me, and tell me ur honest opinion, thanking u , mun of 1 xx xx
robynsc on December 02, 2011:
i searched on how to live with a cheater on google and came across this site. the comments start 3 years ago but imagine my surprise when the last comment was 2 days ago.
i've been through the wringer for the past 25 years. i'm turning 50 this month and i think i need to make a change.
my husband has engaged in physical and virtual affairs for many of the years of our marriage. yes, there were children involved, but i genuinely love and care for him. he has also had some eye health issues and i carry the health insurance so....
the latest straw which i think will break the camel's already bent and weak back is the sexting between him and his high school (yes, i said high school) girlfriend from 30 years ago. she reached out to him about 3 years ago, when our son was a junior in high school. i'm pretty sure they slept together shortly after we got together 27 years ago, but i have no proof. this time, i've got proof a plenty. i usually do. but the part that is pushing me (or him) out of the door is that i confronted him this past tuesday (before thankgiving). at first, i got the usual indignance at the invasion of privacy. i knew i would get that, that's where he always starts from. but then the next day he surprised me when he said he was heartbroken at the thought of ending our marriage. i was truly taken aback. he said he loved me and wanted to stay married. later that day, more tears and he apologized and said he was embarrassed. that i was his best friend. i was really surprised and touched. thanksgiving, and still more tears. asking the family (who don't know what's going on) to allow him to stay a part of the family. that he had a humbling reminder of how important family was. i thought we were on the road back. i even offered that i may not have been as sexually available as i should have been. because isn't that always the reason? we were intimate over the weekend and i thought we were on our way to rebuilding our marriage.
i even got a hold of a copy of an email he sent her saying he wouldn't be in touch for a while (yea, the "for a while" bothered me) but that they had agreed that he would not risk his marriage and that no one should get hurt but that I had gotten hurt and he was troubled that he had turned to her in the way he had instead of to me.
it wasn't the grand exit i had hoped for, but it was a start. unfortunately, it was also all lies.
he has been texting her again (actually instant messaging) he doesn't know i have access to this account. right now he is out with friends and i decided not to go. i checked the account and they have already made a date to "chat" at 11:00 pm. we were supposed to get together at 8:30pm. so i suppose he was going to have sex with me and then chat with her. he didn't even make it a week. i feel like a complete and utter idiot.
i just don't think i can do this anymore. i don't care about being lonely, or alone, or finding another man. i want to be able to walk into my home and not find a package with sexual items addressed to my husband. i want to walk into a room and not have him swap out of internet windows. i want to live with someone who doesn't take his laptop in the bathroom! ewwww. :-)
can anyone here tell me how to make the transition? last week i was heartbroken too and today i just want it to be over. we have no family (literally) except for our children so there is no where for either of us to go temporarily. one of us will have to find a permanent place. my youngest son still lives here (22) and i have a dog. i would prefer to stay in the house because i can afford it on my own. but it would be so much easier for me to just get up and go. last week when we discussed, briefly, his leaving, he expected to move out in january. i hate the thought of having to live in this pretend land for a whole month. everything is tainted as long as he is here. i don't trust him and i don't trust anything of what "this" is. i'm sorry that there are so many people on this hub. it means there are a lot of hurting people out there. i think of it as a bruise that never heals, always sore, always there. you can live with it, but it still hurts. i don't think God wants his children to be this miserable. i know i signed up for better or worse, but this is the worst of the worst and there's no hope of it getting better and there's nothing worse than hopelessness.
thank you to veronica for creating this hub. i hope it helps us a little to tell someone that we're suffering and that others know why we choose to suffer even when we know better.
any suggestions or advice is welcome. thank you...
bamadaze on November 30, 2011:
On the types of affairs example #2. Where do I start. My husband and I had been married a month and a half. I thought I had found that one person that understood the promises, the words for better or worse, well I didn't. I had to have emergency surgery 1 week before by birthday, after laying in bed and needing pain medicine I could not get his attention, so I got out of bed to find him in front of the computer online with some other women with a web cam. Well, I am sure you see where that was going. I tried to ignore it for 2 months or so until I can home early from work to find his still talking to the same person. So, of course I hacked into his emails to find he has been talking to this person, whom he had met on Criag's list, alot longer than I thought. Along with a profile on 2 porn sites. After talking to him about it of course I get the "we were only talking" story. And the story "the guys at work darned me to do it and then it got carried away". 1 month later it stops or so I thought. After coming from a relationship in my 20's and my husband knowing this old boyfriend was the same way he had always said he would never do that and he did anyways. Now I am in my late 30's and married 4 years and he is back at it again. I can't prove it this time, I have tried. I have heard all the excuses and I am not saying our marriage is perfect in anyway. The one thing I do know is I would have never thought to do this to anyone. We have tried to talk things out but afteer all is said and done I will never trust him again.
Now what to do, I am very unhappy in this marriage and the biggest problem is the untrustung, the lies and what I call cheating. I do not want to break my Dad's heart by telling him I want out a divorce. I have told my husband I do but my dad has no idea what is going on. I lost my Mom 6 years ago and I really don't have anyone to talk to about any of this but a few friends and they are not musch help at this point.
I know what is best for me...Life is short...that is one thing my Mom told me on her death bed. I am tired of being unhappy and not puttong forth the effort to fix the problem because I simply don't care anymore. He has said something about going to talk to someone but the minute I bring it up again the subject gets changed.
I am working part time with no medical insurance, I ahve been looking for anything to get my feet back on the ground and move on. I feel the only reason we are still together is because of that and I don't want to hurt my Dad.
So moving on may not be that easy. But I do know it has to be better than being lied to in your face weekly.
I am moving on.....
mommylovecj on November 18, 2011:
Hi Veronica. My story. Husband had an affair. I discovered they have a kid. I was so devastated. This lady is married too. Im not sure whether her husband knows the kid isnt his. They are now in the US while we are here in Australia. Yes I accepted him back. I got pregnant with our 2nd shortly after I discovered. We tried to start all over just to realize that she is also pregnant a month ahead of me. I guess she wanted another baby before we left for Australia and they for the US. I know that they are still communicating.
I got so mad this morning when I saw a bank receipt showing that he sent her money for $1000. I confronted him. I'm sure she and her hubby earn very well in the US so why the heck does he have to send money. He said he doesnt send often and that they dont talk anymore because he wasnt able to send money. Yeah right!
By the way, I discovered about this affair when I saw his wedding ring with her name engraved on it and not mine. He accidentally dropped it. We didnt have our names engraved yet when we got married... I guess he wanted her as his wife not me. So my wedding ring is still blank while his isnt. It hurt me a lot. Im crazy, I know.
He is a very hardworking person. He provides for all our needs. Im currently on mat leave but I know I can easily find a job if we go separate ways. I want to take revenge by anonymously sending an fb msg to her husband telling him to have his kids tested for dna. Do you think that's a good idea? I want her world to crumble too. She betrayed me. We became friends too... but I guess that's what mistresses do... making friends with the wife. She even invited me to her daughter's 1st bday. I dint know abt it yet. I didnt attend but my husband did... posing as god parent... and my son went too.
I want to end this. But I love him. But I hate him too. I dont know. I try to forget but it's hard. really hard. Appreciate your advice. thanks.
splash1103 on October 30, 2011:
my bf has also cheated on me but not in a sexual way. in the beginning of the relation everything was fine. he often told me he was in love with me and i often told him that i didnt know if i was in love with me. he was always very insecure because of this believing that i would soon get bored of him and leave him for some one new. i started to slowly falling in love with him. and for a time every thing was great (btw we do not have a sexual relationship we have never had sex)slowly he started getting more distant saying that he didn't feel the same way but that he still loved and wanted to stay by my side. i was okay for a while until i started to feel insecure about our relation ship. at the same time that all of this was happening we were getting stressed out with college and our part time jobs we were getting less and less time with each other. he started becoming distant and not giving me the same attention he use to give me started hanging out with his friends more and more often almost every night. we kept arguing practically every other day. he kept telling me that he wasn't good enough for me that he wasn't going to amount to anything and why did i love him so much? i kept pushing him to tell me why he felt that way until he told me that he had cheated on me on night that he went out with his friend. he said that he was drunk and that he knew the girl liked him and that he had suspicion that she was and he just let it happened. he also said that he quickly pulled away. i asked him why he let that happened and he said it was because he wanted to know if he really loved me and i asked him what he found out with the kiss. he told me he found out that he really did love me and how he wants the relationship to work. he cried a lot and i cried a little, because i wasn't sure how to feel because deep down as soon as he told me i had forgiven him. because i love him so much. but i told him i needed my space and broke up with him. i also asked him that if i should forgive him and he said no. now im confused about how i feel i still love him deeply and i want the best for him i want to see him smile and be truly happy. and i wanted to marry him and live with him. but i am those types above who believe any type of cheating is wrong and should never be forgiving. but its different when your so deeply in love that you would give your life for that person and non of those feelings have faded yet. even with the lies and the cheating it hasn't faded away. i know we are all human and humans make mistakes. but if it happened once it can happen again. i have all this emotion going through my heart. i feel like I'm sinking in quick sand. and the silly thing is i cant imagine my life with out him.
and yeah i am still young and i know i can probably find someone new but i cant see that. right now we are currently broken up and i haven't talked to him for three days. i want him to figure out if he truly love me because he really did this mistake would have never happen.
as you can see a lot thought run through my head what if ... and there a chance. my heart tell me one thing and my head tell me another thing. so I'm just torn.
please leave comments of what you think
liaki from bk! on October 19, 2011:
I also have my own story to tell. It's very long winded so feel free to take a break in between. I guess Im just looking to share a big piece of my life with you all and hear your thoughts :)
So.. I have been with my still current BF for a lil over 5 years. We have known one another for 6. I met him my first year in college and instantly really liked him. we worked on projects together and I even helped him get into a great college he wanted to attend. I told him i liked him but We decided to just be friends since he was with someone (a much older woman). This actually kind of freaked me out but in the end i decided just being friends was fine since I was just happy to have had the balls to ask out a guy! we would hang out from time to time but then not see one another for a month or so. During this time my mom was sick with cancer and as her condition worsened we got closer and closer. his mom had also died some years ago from cancer so we felt very close in this way. at the time I was just turning 21 and he was 21 going on 22. I didn't fall for him completely until he told me one day that he told his girlfriend know he like someone else. I thought this meant we were free to start dating but turned out he still hadn't left the relationship! So while we still remained platonic friends, it was obvious we were both romantically interested in one other. 5 months went by and as my mom got sicker and he was able to be there for me, we became closer. He had a hard time doing it but he left his girlfriend because he knew it was not what he really wanted. Instead of continuing friendship we started seriously dating almost immediately. BIG MISTAKE. Since we were both in vulnerable states I realize now it was just no good for either one of us. my mom died just about 8 months into our relationship and it hit me like i have never been hit before. my BF was there the entire time and even came to stay with us during a few really big scares and literally took care of EVERYTHING. He even stayed in the hopital with my mom while i took care of the house and other responsibilities. My mom was basically my only family so It felt like i lost my whole life when she died. My BF tried everything to console me but after about 5 months he became very overwhelmed after he started college for the first time. we became distant, he became very irate and irritable and the relationship went sour as he became more and more pressured with school and money. He didn't invite me to meet his friends or do much any more and I became incredibly dependent and wanted him include me in his life . He was not good to me for a year and a half and after his first year in school ended I discovered he had cheated. Once in the very beginning of our relationship with his ex ...they fooled around....and the second time much later with someone in school. The girl actually told me about it herself. I guess she was upset because he told her he wanted to stop. It had gone on for apparently a few months. He must have told her just a few days before she called me because he told me how much he really loved me and was so sorry for how wrong he had been treating me a day or two before I got her call. I confronted him and He admitted right away. i felt literally ill when i found out. I was already in a pretty deep depression and this pushed me even further. I started feeling suicidal so I joined a self help group. I had already been getting counseling at school but it wasn't helping much. I tried to get my BF to join since I knew he had some major lack of confidence issues and family things that he probably needed to work on but he refused. My trust was completely diminished and I felt terrible about myself for a couple years.
My BF apologized but was never willing to talk about it our discuss anything to help me heal. He was still very irritable . The only thing he every really said at the time was that he felt so helpless and angry at how our relationship had turned out and didn't know how to deal with it all so he had the affair. He would often tell me how helpless he felt in being able to solve any of our problems. We were both pretty depressed to say the least. He really tried to lift my spirits after this and two years he cooked, cleaned, bought gifts every once in a while...even joined self help but I think we were both so damaged we couldn't REALLY be there for one another anymore. not in the right ways. He still would get upset or mean at times because i was so depressed and sad. It just felt so impossible to lift the heavy dark cloud of losing our moms, his cheating our big terrible fights...After a while I finally started really making a big effort to just work on myself and no longer focus all of my attention on "us" all the time. My BF and I started doing more things together, having more fun with one another, going out...I started to feel more hopeful. Then, one night, we got in a huge argument and decided to take a break a few days later when I refused him any sex I found out the next day he had cheated with someone. I felt something was off the night he didn't come home and checked our phone records. I discovered a random number he had continually called at odd hours so i called and got a voicemail to a woman I didn't know and instantly knew what was going on. Turns out I called while they were together. He came home the next day and admitted. He said that since we were broken up he just did it even though he knew it was wrong because how upset he was. I felt awful . we both cried then I finally decided I really just needed to get away. I didn't come home much for a couple months and was very short with him. At the time I had just started a new job which really helped me to shift my attention. He told me he missed me and was sorry but I didn't feel good about him anymore. I was confused and hurt so I told him I just wasn't interested. Through my job I gained a lot of confidence since i was doing so well and had a lot of responsibility. I noticed that as i felt better about myself the less upset i felt about the cheating and the more I could just love myself and his good qualities. I realized that he and I had been in an unhealthy relationship for a while and during or struggles to fix it all had hurt one another in different ways. So i said ok lets just give it 3 months of our best effort and see what happens. So far it's been great. we have written lists on how to improve our approach to the relationship, have gone out more, I have spent more time being "selfish" and making sure to think about myself and give myself alone time or to do hobbies I enjoy. He has been working on being more open and verbal with his feelings and sharing his life, work, friends and activities he enjoys with me...We are also just trying to be our best as individuals...He told me one night recently when I brought up the cheating that He wanted me to talk about it with him so he could try to help me through it and so we could be strong together and for one another. I can talk with him about feeling jealous or not having trust But i still sometimes get this feeling that it's all for nothing. We don't fight much at all anymore, and when we do it's no longer viscous. Instead, our arguments are just a disagreement or expressions of frustration. But I find myself wanting to be with him forever one day then wanting to dump him the next. I have seen major growth from where we started to where we are now and that is very promising, but sometimes it all just seems soo hard! He has gone back to counseling and I am still involved, but considering Im only 26 and he 27 sometimes, i wonder if we are just being stupid for making all this effort at such a young age. .....Anyway, I told you this was a long long story. Any thoughts opinions from anyone? Is it stupid to stay and work it all out?
liaki from bk! on October 19, 2011:
I know exactly how you feel! It's a terrible thing to feel. remember that his mistake has nothing to do with you. You are still beautiful, smart and talented woman. People make all kinds of mistakes in life. You have to decide for yourself what you can and cannot handle and if you can eventually forgive him. If he is willing to seek some help with you and be open about it all then you can take your time to figure out what you too are willing to do or not do for the relationship.
-wish you all best!
Miasophia on October 17, 2011:
This is very hard,About 4 months ago my husband went out west,We do this every year together but this year he went alone because I decided to help our Daughter with her new baby.He was gone 3 weeks,When he came home he was acting diffrent,Doting over me taking me out telling me how much he loved me.Please keep in mind he called me every day,telling me were he was and what he was doing.And then the call came a Woman asking me who I was she got my name off the insurance card in the car,So I told her because I thought maybe he hit someones carout there.She then told me who she was and how for a week she had an affair with my husband she told me how they meet at the bar she worked at,She told me she gave him her #,and how he called the next day and how they spent the day and night together,And for 5 more days he hung out with her taking her out to dinner, nice hotels,and the last night she let him stay at her house. She told me after they had sex he told her he was falling in love with her,but when she woke up he and all his things were gone,She said he took off like a thief in the night.When he came home he told me everything,And how sorry he was.The truth is I cant get it out of my head,I think about it every day,sometimes it controls my thoughts.This is a #3.I just dont know what to do.And this woman sends me texts all the time to see how im doing,I dont respond.She also just sent me an 8 page letter on every detail on every day they were together.Please help me figure this out
Mike on September 28, 2011:
Wife's just had a second fling with co-worker. She says she still loves me very much and doesn't want to break up with me. Should I forgive her?
Here's the story:
We've been together 12 years now, married for 7 years.
Everything was extremely fine in the first 8 years - we had a wonderful, very close relationship, in which we truly felt like the other one's half. However, 4 years ago, she suddenly felt in love with a co-worker. She started by saying they are just friends, but eventually admitted to having feelings for him. We talked and decided to stay together, but quickly (within one week) I found out they are still talking/seeing each other. We had again a serious talk, this time she became nuts. She even begged me to let her sleep with this guy, of course I said no. She became very mean towards me, she even started to insult me. In the meantime, I had a talk with the other guy as well. He denied having any feelings for her, promised solemnly that he will stay away. He was in fact seeing other women at the same time - my wife found out about it and seemed to come a bit to her senses, realizing it might not be the great love she sort of expected it to be. Slowly, slowly, working hard, we fought back for our relationship and seemed to regain our trust back. By the way, no sex has happened between them and I'm almost sure it was true - one of the reasons I decided to take her back.
The next 4 years seemed fine - it felt very much like we love each other. We seemed to have gotten over this major bump in our marriage. A few weeks ago, everything collapsed around me. It turns out my wife wrote him 7 months ago - a goodbye letter since she was changing jobs. He replied back and slowly they started seeing each other again. My wife felt in love again - she says he seduced her with nice words etc. Moreover, they started having sex this time. They slept around 30 times in the last 6 months. They had oral sex together (both ways), they always had unprotected sex, and my wife always finished him in her mouth. She also confessed to having an orgasm every time he went down on her, and once a vaginal orgasm.
She mostly slept with him when I was away from home (short one-week job trips). In fact she stayed at his place almost every night I was away. A few times she even slept with him when I was home - she said she is at her job, but in fact she was at his place.
She didn't confess anything (she said she didn't want to hurt me) - I found out everything when I started to become suspicious. When I confronted her with hard evidence (SMS texts, skype messages etc) she eventually confessed to everything.
She says she still loves me very much and doesn't want to end up the marriage. She says she is aware she did a horrible thing, she cries all day long and says she doesn't want to live without me. She also says she doesn't recognize herself in her actions, and is willing to find out why she did it and fix things up. She says sex is not the problem, as it was much better with me (she says the other guy is not so good). She did see the other guy and told him everything is over, she doesn't want to see him anymore.
However, the problem is that after the emotional affair 4 years ago, I just can't take the same thing (plus sex!) all over again. The trust, as you can imagine, is pretty much gone. She says she didn't handle the situation properly 4 years ago, but now she learned her lesson and will only do the right thing. I don't know whether to give her another chance or not - I am more inclined to a definitive separation, because of the long-term affair (6-7 months) and all the planning, lying etc that she had to employ to keep the other relationship ongoing.
What do you think? Thanks!
yammay on September 27, 2011:
I have been with the same guy 26 years and been married 21 years. He purused me in college when I had so many other guys also pursueing me. Once we got together, our relationship became almost non existant. He was mean and emotionally abusive an neglectfull. I kept on asking him for us to work on our relationship and he was not interested. Stayed and got married like the fool I am and he cheated for 4 years and got caught. Begged me for weeks to come back and still acting weak let him in. He stoped being emotionally abusive but he became neglectful. I was and still am alone in everything I do. he does not communicate and does not want to discuss anything deep. keep asking myself why I stayed.In his case looks like so far as he has sex life is good. he got no expectations of marriage. he almost appears clueless when it comes to matters of the heart but he is a very prosperous business man and very smart with money. I have reached a point where I feel I am dying - been dead for too long in the relationonship and feel life has passed me by. I am looking for more and in the past I had expressed my feelings to him and nothing was done. I am ready to move on with or without him. we have kids in college and I am sad when I think about all the missed opportunities for them and what we could have had as a family if they did not have an absent father. I do not think this guy ever loved me and I do not love him either. It is now a matter of convienience -- has been for a while. not a good role model for the kids. need a backbone I know. I am ready for all the critics.
nurturing a sex addict on September 26, 2011:
It's heartbreaking to read these stories. I never thought it would happen to me. In fact my husband was so worried about cheating he'd accuse me of it, even though I was completely isolated with two children. So years latter (married for 13 now) his behavior started to change. He was receiving gifts from a woman I believed wanted to have an affair with him.. I protested their connection and latter found a dirty text from her on his phone. He swears it was an accident. Fast forward two years. He's angry at me all the time and refuses to address any important issues at home. Everything was my fault and mine to fix. He became obsessed with his appearance and was taking showers and work and multiple showers at home. I started to notice he was on his phone all the time and would hide it from me. He would also slam his computer shut when I entered a room. He was going to work but not logging in hours. He started getting sloppy when he left his email and facebook open. I ran into numerous chats with many different girls. Most seemed to imply some sense of emotional intimacy. Stupidly I confronted him, he would say "Well she's really amazing or we were talking about aliens!" God how stupid I felt for his lame answers. Did he really think I was that worthless. He started to get emotional late night texts from a coworker. She thought I was at work when she sent them. Another co worker would glare at me every time she saw me. Friends started to notice how overly friendly he was with unknown women in public. When I was with him he would watch sexy girls. Of course when I'd confront him he'd say, "Why shouldn't I stare," or "I wasn't doing anything,". It was really lame because he was so obvious and it was so humiliating. I went crazy trying to figure out what was going on. He lied and lied and lied. Finally I went through our phone bill and discovered he'd been calling a local phone sex line that connects singles. Of course I had to call it find out what the heck it was. Hours and hours on this 800 number. It's really disturbing by the way. This was right after I discovered him locked in the bathroom on the morning of our anniversary with his computer. He was angry at me for being disappointed. His problem was not just between me and him either. My children stumbled across a porn site that was similar named to a common game they play. The lying drove me crazy and I started to lose business. Something I had worked very hard for. But, I couldn't eat or work or sleep. I always had one ear open...is he sneaking out of bed again. I was having such severe anxiety attacks I finally called a doctor who told me I needed to check into the ER right away. I got scared and told him what they said (tears streaming down my face). He asked me if I could drive myself because he had something to do. Of course my suspicions continued and he told me I was crazy and I should get some counseling. I shared with him that my therapist thought our relationship needed some drastic help and he tried to convince me the therapy wasn't working and I should stop going. When I discovered the phone sex line, I confronted him at the door. I demanded he tell me the truth, because I deserve it. Of course we went around yelling at each other until he knew exactly what I found out. He threatened me then left the house. I of course am such an idiot. I was worried about him, so arranged a place for him to stay so I knew he'd be ok. The days that followed he would not follow through with plans. Pick up the kids on his time. He continued all his normal daily activity as if nothing had happened. But, oh he was sorry and he wanted me back so bad. So guess what I let him back on the premise that he would start counseling and after he goes for a bit we would go together. It took him six months to book his first session and after two quit without telling me. In the meantime he's allowed some bills to go into default costing us more than $10,000 in fees. It's not because we couldn't pay it. He just didn't want to deal with it. He also told me he had taken care of it before I let him back in.
On the other hand, he's completely open with his phone. Tries to let me know where he is all them time. Is kind and gentle to me. Now follows through with most promises. He's realized that I am the one for him after 13 years of marriage. While it's nice to be treated well for the first time in years, I don't think he's ever admitted to anything. Just talked about what I know. I keep running everything through my mind. There is no way this adds up to nothing except phone sex (and that sick thing is not nothing). I am now so tired of this life. I hate that my kids see me check out because I'm running the whole thing through my head to comfort myself by trying to believe I know everything. I know I don't and that's the thing that hurts so much. His lies taught me not to trust myself. My husband is not who I thought he was and I'm about ready to say goodbye to the love of my life.
Just in case anyone is wondering. I'm not fat, I'm not ugly,I'm not lazy, I'm not stupid. I was blessed with an amazing figure. I am a talented artists. I did the stay at home mom job while working full time to support his dreams. I did everything regarding the household including bills/maintenance. I am an enabler. I allowed him to bully me and I allowed him to shift all our family responsibilities on me. And I allowed him back in.
lish on September 22, 2011:
i'm another person who was cheated on by my bf & we've been 2gether for 8yr. he cheated on me so many times i even lost count and on that he made one of the other girlfriend pregnent still i forgave her becouse i loved her. our love was getting stronger but i'm still angry inside i cann't forget what he did to me & i asked her so many times why but he never gave me un answer. we are still together but the funny thing now is i'm falling out of love with him
MRMOM CHARMER on September 20, 2011:
Well let me start with my wife and i have been going through rough times for couple years . she was over weight and always though i was cheating, but i am loyal and honest to a falt. she had everything i own tapped and found out i never did or would cheat she was still depressed about her weight so i got her lap band she lost weight and had brief affair with co worker, he had girlfriend and a child after he got what he wanted he dumped her she had moved out and left me and children he dumped her two days after he got him a piece. She moved back in and says nothing happened and she wants to be with her family she says she loves me but will not touch me sexually she says till i get fixed , i believe just a accuse . i am very attractive and probably out of her league education upbringing just we grew up in different worlds. what should i do , Should i just let her stay for kids , she will leave i gave her plenty of money oh ya she has phone password protected and her laptop and hides it evertime she signs in. what do i do this guy was only 27 and looks older than me i am 41
sheshe on September 18, 2011:
Cheating in NOT a mistake....it is a CHOICE!!!!!! The choice to hurt, disrespect, and break your commitment. Do you REALLY THINK SOMEONE LOVES YOU WHEN THEY DO THAT? NO!!!!!!!!!!! If they loved you, they would put your feeling before anybody else!!! and do NOTHING to hurt you! They only feel guilty after that makes you THINK they love you. The damage has been done, and it will NEVER be the same. You REALLY and TRULY have to love someone in order to stay with them after that. And you can always forgive someone, but that doesn't mean you HAVE to be with them!!!!!!! A mistake is grabbing the salt shaker when you thought it was pepper...not purpously sticking your dick in someone elses hole. whoops! Have some morals, values, recpect, and desency. Don't make commitments, promisses when you won't keep them. And don't get married if you want to have sex with other people. AND DON'T CHEAT! THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY MORE REASONS TO NOT CHEAT THAN THERE IS TO CHEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Suluto Don Brandy on September 16, 2011:
wish i can get help soo urgently.. am 27yrs and my gf is 23yrs old.. Met her 7months ago with intentions of getting married to her. We had a wonderful beginning even though at that time, she told me that she has got a boyfriend who was't as serious as i was.. She gave me the impression that she was ready to call it all shotz and get married..at the middle of the relationship, i started understanding much more than the painted picture.. she revealed to me that while dating her previous bf that she was also seeing other men (married men) actually that gives her money. Se told me that she has been exposed to this kinda men like all her life cos she had to support herself through school having got a mum that is not working due to sickness that a dad that never cared for the family.... I accepted her the way she was cos myself, av not got it all sweetie...i have got my past also both with women and life circumstances..4months ago, i started suspecting her with an office lover...she jes got a new job and like two weeks into her new working place, i started noticing changes, she does't call me anymore unless i call her.. most odd times that i call her, she was always o the phone with this office friend..when i confronted her with this development, she told me that the guy was jes one of those male callers who wants friendship definitely..on different occasions i have over hed there conversation- the guy telling her that he is with his gf.. i now wonder what he wants from her or what she is answering the calls for...anyways as this where going on, the office offered her a car to help convey her to work.... i considered the standard of employment and operating level in the country wer we live this was't obtainable w/o some kinda affiliations (+ve or-ve). Continually also, she get this long calls from her boss.. most times this calls last for long minutes..at some point i began to wonder what kinda nice boss is this that calls all his worker to know how they have gotten home and all.. she kept on telling me that the boss has taken them like one family hence cared for everyone...to make it short, i discovered that she was going out with the boss...they have gone to different locations hence has had sex uncountably..infact to the extent that the girl had to get preganant nd has gone for abortion for the said boss...between all this period, she came to tell me that she's pregnant..i had sex with her that period, i was even asking her to keep the said bastard for me, lemme come and see her parents..SAD! little did i know that it was't for me...when it was clear to me, i confronted the boss and told him how foolish he is sleeping and destroying another man's child and i also confronted the girl to ask her to quit the job.. at first she agreed to me of quitting the job, but at some point she told me that she'll never quit her job when she does not have another..that resulted to a big slap and when she was sure that i was ready to disgrace her, she quitted the job... am still kinda sung into this girl..she has totally changed from her person all this while that she is fresh job hunting...making me believe she cared for me and loves me soo much...following up on my drives and passion....She has totally changed in her house also, does things she does't do on a normal day...i admit of telling that i have forgiven her but i don't that is possible... i feel very foolish inside of me for continuing to show her love and care uptill this moment but i think i need some public opinions about this situation. At some point i think she do deserve a second chance just like everyone does but i don't know if this is proper...on the other hand, since i have been dating her, i have ot been faithful as well but has never kept like a relationship..It has always been a one nite stand here and there...mayb upto 30 girls or more since i met her...i think this is a well deserved lesson of how devastated the other partner will feel if found out...she knows noting about my hidden life and secret but her's is open...am confussed...? can i still go ahead and love and marry this woman? someone should clearly examine and tal to me soon pls.. thank you guys
Jenn on September 15, 2011:
It's really hard to say "I'd never allow someone to cheat on me!!" if you've never been there. I dunno I guess mine might be a bit different. My husband has a legitimate problem. He came from a home where his mother was a crack whore. He started calling phone sex lines when he was 11. And ever since it has been a means of escape for him. He goes online finds willing girls who will have phone sex with him and does so while I'm at work. He's been caught twice. We are now having our first child and he broke down the other day said he wanted more for his son than the bullshit he went through and he knows he needs help. He wants to be the dad he never had and he wants so badly to make things better. This was not my demands this was his choices. He's been a serial cheater with all his gfs in the past (physically and emotionally cheating) but with me so far it's just been anonymous phone sex. I've read all the emails the girls would ask to meet and he'd have reasons not too. But he'd always talk them into calling. Anyway my point is not everything is done because they don't love you. I know he loves me he's fun funny sensitive and loving. We have incredible sex. But it's like a Jekyll and Hyde scenario. He has this dark part that seems to be uncontrollable.
matty87 on September 14, 2011:
my girlfriend of 2 and a half years admitted yesterday to have cheated on me 4 months ago with a coworker.im 23 shes 20 weve been deeply in love with each other since the day we met.we dont live together but she'll stay at my house for 2-3 days at a time.what happened was i called her one night see what she was up to,said she was watching a movie by herself at home kinda of surprised me a bit. call her place a few hours later her mom answers and says she hasnt been home all day.alarm bells go off immediatelly.i called her cell and after 5 minutes of questioning she finally admitted to being at her coworkers place watching a movie.of course i got pissed and jealous.this allnhappened back in may.yesterday she tells me she was drunk went to his place after work spent the night did everything except have sex.she tells me how sorry she is just crying her eyes out saying she wants to move in with me which i have no problem with,and how she doesnt want to lose me. i confronted her about this over the past four months and she lied to my face every time.she works at a restaurant and told me to meet her at the end of her shift so i hung out there for a while,not knowing that her coworkers knew that she cheated on me.i feel like a fool and embarrassed that i was oblivious to it. i love her so much,she is gorgeous and sexy but i dont think i can look at her the same way again,i dont know what to do. help.
Karl on September 02, 2011:
20 years ago my partner had an affair with a married man from work. I got two different stories - my partner states they did not have a sexual relationship. The guy states they did. I have never got to the bottom of it and it remains in my mind everyday. 20 years later I have 3 children and still with the same partner. Deep inside I am very unhappy and know my life and mmy families life could really be better. You may say 20 years ago is a long time, but the hurt I feel is with me right now. I love my partner but cannot forgive or forget. I can't forgive because the very root of me being a man has been shattered. I cannot forget as I can't find a way to erase the thoughts from my mind. I have good days and bad days. The anger I feel over this is destroying me. I've had various drug addictions that I am sure are due to this problem as taking drugs seemed to give me an temporary escape from the turmoil in my mind. I've been on anti-depressants and even tried to settle my thoughts naturally through Buddhism and meditation but nothing cuts through. My own childhood was ruined by the same situation with my parents. They stayed together for myself and sisters. My father left as soon as my youngest sister was 16 and not only do I live with the pain from my parents arguing for my childhood years but this. Must be Karma... It's an awful catch 22 situation I'm in. If I leave I lose my 3 beautiful children and my partner who I do love but staying together is just so painful. I don't know what to do and can't find an answer anywhere, even inside me. Any advice from people in a similar situation would be appreciated.
Watcher on August 24, 2011:
Baytta hit the nail on the head. I've watched a few guys go through this. To the point where they start dressing their wife like the woman they are in love with. It's sad. Life's too short to waste unhappy.
amy on August 22, 2011:
my significant other had an affair with someone who we had been friends with for years! i stopped hanging out with her years before because i started to see what she really was a drunk sick in the head flirt!! she neglected her own child for booze and she always flirted with him! she is very mentally ill!!! they both knew what they were doing she is nasty and when i use to hang out with she made remarks about other guys i dont think this was her first screwing around on her husband. ive chosen to stay with my other half but i dont and cant call him my husband and i never want him to call me his wife!!!! means nothing!!! you dont have to be married to be together and i know by law we are but not in my heart!!one day at a time im working on a backup plan i want to be able to take of myself and son just in case. he knows i dont lie and i put everything on the table!! no one will ever hurt beat me down lie cheat and treat me like shit ... so if i have a backup plan it gives me secruity and there is nothing wrong with it.
Kerry on August 07, 2011:
Hi Veronica and everyone :-)
I really need some advice...
I started having an affair over a year ago it was type 3. I am married and so is the person i was having the affair with. We first dated in high school many years ago however it didnt lead to anything as i met my husband. We met up again and the connection we had was strong and we fell inlove.
My husband and his wife have found out about the affair as i admitted the affair to my husband as i am pregnant to the person i was having the affair with.
Anyway i find myself alone...Depressed...and over my life.
The person i was having the affair with has told his wife everthing and has decided he is going to stay with her and work things out as they have two sons. He is telling me now he is still attracted to me so cant see me or the baby ( When she arrives )he thinks its for the best if he has nothing to do with me or our baby anymore as he needs to give 100% to his marriage now to make it work! and if he still sees me his marriage will not work.
Please help me understand...im devastated!
Do i leave them to sort there marriage out?
Do i take legal action and make him see his daughter?
Do i walk away and not have anything to do with him?
Jeremy on August 02, 2011:
I cheated on my wife. It was a one time thing. A drunken one night stand. I was so starved for attention that I jumped at the first chance. Stupid me. She said wanted a divorce. I begged and pleaded and cried on my knees. We agreed to do individual counseling followed by marriage counseling. Oh, and she had affair. We both made mistakes so I was willing to try and move past them. Last night I found out that she's been screwing around for a year (or so she says) with 5 different guys. She gave me an STD. And she got pregnant and had an abortion. Along with sexting some guy in another state. This is some real Jerry springer crap right? She says she honestly doesn't know why she did it and that she needs to see a therapist. We have 3 young children. And now all of our lives are ruined. Moments from now I'm going to a hospital for a mental evaluation. I need one. Cause I still love this woman. So something must be wrong with me. She has had mental issues her entire life and she really does need help. But I refuse to allow her to blame it on her "mental state". That's nothing but an easy out. Sad thing is eventually she's gonna realize just how bad she has messed up. She's lied, cheated, manipulated, alienated her friends. These are friends she's had since they were tiny that all hate her so much and are looking out for me. That hasnt set in to her head yet. I've busted my ass for my family. I've built us up from nothing. Everything was for her
Sarah on July 26, 2011:
Thanks for the article. It spoke right to my heart. I have been with my fiance 11 1/2 years and never believed he would cheat, the one thing I would say "....would never betray me and cheat on me".
We just got engaged in April and I just found out he cheated on me after he proposed. We have been away from one another for a year as we work in seperate cities, he feels if I loved him the same way he loves me I would have quit my job and moved to where he is living. I recognize he has done so much for me, he let me travel to Africa for a year and we stayed together, he has quit his jobs a few times to move with me so I could pursure my education and career. I know have a very well paying job and worked hard to get to the point I'm at and I did not want to give it up until I secured something where he lives. We initially agreed to this. In some ways I know I pushed him away, however he decided to find comfort from some other girl when times were tough. He even told me she was there for him, conforted him! He say's I did not show him I loved him, I was not touchy feely, rub his head. he recently asked me to co-sign for him, however after careful concideration I decided I would not co-sign for a new truck but told him I would for a 10-15 thousand vehicle, all he can see is I would not help him get what he wants whereas I believe you get what you can afford. He tells me I'm selfish and greedy, all I care about is money, which is not all true, I care about our future and all my decisions were based on that. All, he has ever wanted was a family with me, and children have top been a huge desire of mine. I knew I wanted them eventually but I wanted our life to be on the right track.
And now, I found out about 4 weeks ago I am pregnant At this time I also started to suspect he was cheating, but he insisted I was jelous and she was just a friend. This weekend I found the evidence and he no longer could deny the truth. he tells me it only happened once, but he has continued to text message and talk to her. He said once he knew I was pregnant he ended it. I don't know what to believe.
The emotions I am feeling are crazy, I'v always been independent, and strong willed but today I woke thinking maybe I can forgive him, but reading your article has brought me back into reality. With raging pregnancy hormones, I'm not sure how I am going to get through this but I have to keep telling myself I can do it. Thank you
Dani on July 16, 2011:
Wow,my other has admitted to cheating on me, but only after I found out, but he lied to me right until I came out with hard evidence. I gave him everything for so long. I paid for everything for him and everytime he let me down I would brush it off. That should of been the alarm signals.
He says he loves me, that I come first that all he ever thinks about is me. How the hell can I believe that when I know he said the same things to her... our flatmates girlfriend btw. He still lies to me this very day about what happened. He says it was a one of kiss that happened while he was drunk but I've seen the messages I know there was some kind of emotional commitment.
The funny thing is our flatmate knew everything and didnt care! I was betrayed not only by the man I love but also someone I considered a best friend.
Well that was a couple of monthes ago now, and now currently we moved out of the place I was in, and in with his parents. I couldn't bare to be in that place. I'm down and even with the assistance of anti-depressants I can't seem to pick myself up.
He was in the wrong I know that, he knows that and he is trying everything in his power to make it up to me. I'm trying to see how I could have possibly pushed him to do that to me. I did gain weight since I've been with him perhaps it was that? Or perhaps it was me giving him everything and being naive about the relationship that didnt give him the thrills he wanted.
The thing I couldn't stress more is that our relationship was amazing before I stumbled on everything. The sex was great and often, we shared a love for the same things, he was proposing to me and telling me how great things were and how he cant wait to have kids with me and then I break my laptop.
He says I can use his, I do and went to put some data on to his laptop using a USB stick and in his recieved files was previous conversations via msn.
And now all I can think about is he let me down again. Other times it was something stupid like he didnt want to go the restaurant I wanted to go to, he wanted to go to another. Or, he would promise a film evening together and he would fall asleep.
I love him, he seems to love me
But I'm at a loss of where to go next. Do I stay with him and have doormat written across my forehead? Or do I leave?
Scott on June 28, 2011:
Hi, I came across this site by accident and I'm glad I did. My wife of 2 years is currently in a no. 3. I found out through an email I came across that she cheated while on a vacation without me (busy time of year at work). She created a new email account and emails the guy almost daily with talk of meeting up again. Things seem very good between us and much better than before her vacation but she doesn't know I found out about the affair.
I want to stay with her despite this but don't want to be viewed as a doormat
Any advice as to what I should do?
Mandy on May 25, 2011:
I had been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years when I found out that he cheated on me with one of my friends. They didn't have sex (just inappropriate touching) but it doesn't really matter. It was an isolated incident, not a relationship. They both kept it from me for a few months, then one day decided to tell me. My boyfriend did have a history of cheating - when we started going out he was still with his ex (I didn't now at the time), and about 2 years into our relationship I found messages on his phone from his friend which suggested more than a platonic relationship (though it wasn't entirely obvious), but she had moved overseas so I didn't see it as a problem. When I found out about the incident with my friend, I stayed with him and dumped my friend. I didn't even give her a chance to explain, I simply did not want to hear the other side of the story. For months she attempted to contact me, but I simply ignored everything. I put all the blame on her, forgave him almost immediately. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I never thought that I'd be the type of person to stay with a cheater. He promised that he would never do anything again and I desperately believed him. About 6 months later, I found out that he had cheated again. That was it; I'd finally woken up to myself and realised that I deserved better. He was my first boyfriend so it was hard to let go of that. It's now been a year since we broke up, I'm single and happy. A couple of months ago, I got the urge to try to reconnect with my friend who he cheated on me with. I realised that I did miss her, and I wanted to finally hear her side of things. She was deeply remorseful and apologetic about what had happened, and it was the only time in her life she'd ever done anything so morally base. We are now friends again.
I think you can forgive a one-off incident (like I did with my friend) if you believe that they truly are contrite and have learned from their mistake. But if a person has a history of this behaviour, it is highly likely that they will repeat it. Looking back now, I am sorry that I chose such a bastard over a friend, but I guess when you're in love you really can't see straight.
Confused??? on May 04, 2011:
Last year my husband cheated on me with a neighbor. I found out a month after it started and he ended everything as soon as I found out. Now let me tell you how this all started. I don't have a career, I have 4 kids and let myself go, so much so that I was no longer comfortable even looking at myself in the mirror. I had no sex drive and when my husband would want to be intimate I would tell him I didn't feel good, which would upset him and start an argument. I would always end up telling him to find himself another woman to satisfy him, that I just didn't care. After doing this the situation arose where this woman neighbor showed interest in him and they began to see each other. He would go to see her at her job almost everyday for 3 weeks. To this day he denies that he slept with her, but I find it hard to believe since the woman told me so many things after he broke things off. At the time I told him it was over and that I could no longer be with him. Some days passed and he begged me for forgiveness and that this would never happen again. Ever since I decided to take him back he has been very loving and tries to give me anything I want. But the thing now is that he has become extremely jealous. Especially since I have taken care of myself and am looking better than I ever have before. The jealousy has gotten soooo bad that I can't be friends with anyone without being accused of having some sort of extramarital relationship with them. I am FED up! I love him to death... I truly believe he is my soul mate, but I can't continue to live with constant accusations.
What should I do?
Mnish on April 16, 2011:
Im 5 months pregnant n since 6 days ealier i get a call from a girl who says she was having an affair wiz my husband 4 2 years n my married life is only 4 1 and a half year. she phone me as my husband wanted 2 finish everythng wiz her. my husband has never make me realize zat he is having an affair as he give me so much love n now when i come 2 kw all zat i hve been extremely hurt. B4 marriage he betrayed me twice n now its z 3rd time he do zat. When i ask him y he done zat he say he was tempted n he is asking me 2 4give him n promise he will not do zat again. I really love him but unable 2 accept zat he cheated me again n his parents love me so much zey dont know wat their son has done. I told him i will go far away but he does not agree. he is sad n ill. Please help me what shall i do in this situation
mark on April 13, 2011:
Hey Toby, I think you need to know the truth, look into a polygraph exam then ask her if she has ever had sex with anyone else other than this guy during the marriage, then if she says he is the only one, then ask her if she would be willing to take a polygraph exam, if she says yes then schedule it for your own piece of mind if she says no then its not wort it because she has cheated more than once and it won't stop. If she does go through the test then at least you'll know what you are up against.
Baytta on March 30, 2011:
Here is the hard truth….He has cheated on you, and you have just discovered your husband has had a long term relationship with someone else. You have children, you are devastated, and your primary response is to keep him. Ladies, think long and hard before you decide to give this man another chance. You will never know the real truth about this man, only what he has told you, and you have convinced yourself to believe the fabricated story you have created in your head about their relationship. This is not real. The truth is in most long-term affairs, very deep feelings develop for the two people involved. …and sometimes love. If he has convinced you he wants to work it out, that is only because of financial ties, children, and family pressure-not because he loves you. He will always think of the other woman and hope they will have a chance to be together again in the future. You and him had a fair chance to be together, you were able to date freely, go on vacations, spend time togther openly, unlike the other woman he fell in love with, and the bottom line is that he strayed from you for a reason he will only know. Does he love you? Did he ever love you? Has he fallen out of love with you? He will never regret what he did, although he will tell you that he does. The truth of the matter is, the days he spent with this other woman were probably the best days of his life, so much so that he risked everything to be with her. He will always think of her and secretly desire her. He will never respect you the same way, because he fooled you, once again, into staying married. It will only be a matter of time until he will do it again. Unlike what society likes to believe, (she`s a sleeze, he is scum etc.) usually long-term affairs genuinely happen to good people who have become vulnerable, who have stayed in their marriages for the “childrens sake”, and simply feel trapped, or are very unhappy and have fallen out-of-love with their partners. You need to ask yourself, do I want to spend the rest of my life with a man that stayed married to me for all the wrong reasons? Give yourself time before you decide you want to give this man another chance. If you at least allow yourself some time before holding on to him as if he were the only man left on earth, he and everyone else will at least respect you…you will develop some self-respect, and self-worth. Does he really deserve a second chance? If only you were able to see him in action with this other woman, and more importantly, be able to witness the emotional involvement he had with someone else, I can guarantee you that any woman, sane in mind, would NEVER give him a second chance.
HenryDavis on March 08, 2011:
I NEED ADVICE PLEASE!!
trying to make long story short..this is my first love. together a year & 3 moths when our relationship was rocky, she talked about splinting up more than (around july) once but we kinda worked it out (still together but the relationship was still really rocky) she cheated..her reason, she felt lonely and felt that i didn't love her ie: take her out on dates enough etc. she had sex with a co-worker july the week i went to vegas, she assumed i was messing around. so that week in july she slept with a guy twice. i can FORGIVE THAT. she broke up with me when i came back from vegas but didnt tell me that she slept with the guy, instead told me the same problems plaguing her previously( the whole me not loving her)
some time went by, we got back together this time we were both (or at least i thought) committed to bettering our relationship. i went with her to a field trip to canada with her family, had a great time but there was also instances in which she wasnt herself (remember at his time i did not know about her having sex with that guy)we went on dates etc. came back the end of August. classes at our university started early September. (this whole time i was trying to better our relationship, i feel that she was more distant). sometime early september she slept with the same guy again. she wanted to break up with me, i dont know if it was before or after she had sex with him. that was the last time they had sex. she now says she feels disgusted, ashamed, slutty. ( btw i was her "first")
when i first suspected something funny: in her dorm she went to the bathroom i went through her phone read a convo between her and her friend. she says she went to see him but nothing happened because she didnt want to look like a slut. when she came back i confronted her. the text didnt say they had sex. But just the fact that she sneaked around with some guy is enough. she apologized i fogave her then the relationship was great for 5 moths until MARCH 2011. she slept over my house i checked the time early morning in her phone and i saw the same guys name..i read the convo and it kinda went like this (it was longer but the main point was)
-was i good? every guy wants to know if they are good in bed
-yeah it pretty good
-no seriously?...come on how good was it?
-it seems like you had more practice than you said you did hehee ;)
and thats when i confronted her and she confessed to having sex with him...at first she said only once..then i pushed..and she confesed it was twice..i made her text him and ask him ..he was explicit..sex 3 times..blow job in the car etc etc.
i think i can forgive the first 2 times they had sex in july..this was rock bottom in our relationship, i didnt do my job as a bf..i KNOW that. ( I WAS FAITHFUL THOUGH)
but in september? yeah i know it was still rocky but we were working it out..and this was after i spent time with her family. this i cant forgive i dont think..but if i DO FORGIVE
what about the text message in MARCH i know they didnt have sex since september and she said she told him in person that she didnt want to do it anymore. but why talk to him like that? if you are truly sorry i would think she would stop all contact or at least say "please dont say that anymore, i made a mistake" instead of saying what she said.
as a side note..she of course truly sorry..he was cring for hours, contemplated suicide..contemplated going to a diff school, she said i woulnt look at her the same etc etc I feel she is sincere she said these words for hours " I am NOT THAT GIRL!" "I cant believe i went that low" etc
kelli on March 02, 2011:
my husband cheated on me ,he told me all the details passe d a polygraph and still i can not let go knowing that he done things with her that he would never do with me.i mean he did not actually have sex with her. they played around ya'll know what i mean.but still sometimes i really hate him.other times i am still so much in love with him. i wish i had someone tell me whay i should do.
evildedd on February 26, 2011:
I could really use some input/advice from those out there who may relate to my situation.
I met my wife online dating. she is from the philippines and I am the man who brought her here. we have been married a little over three years. since i found out about her affair I have been losing my mind. i felt used by her thinking that she just wanted me to help her get a green card. I dont know if thats true or not i feel like she did love me at one time. but not for the last year i cant say she cared for me.
when i discovered her cheating i didnt want to believe it. even her best friend came to my house and told me about her current boyfriend i still didnt want to believe it. I even read text messages from her bf asking her to come over and have sex. then i started to believe it. she finally confessed it to me one night and said she would not see him anymore that there was no future with him. she went to his house to return the GPS she borrowed from him saying she would be right home. well she didnt come home until the next morning. then she actually had the gall to ask me if she could live with me but continue seeing him three nights a week. i laughed and said youre crazy you have to choose. so she chose to stay with me. long story short I have given her four chances now to stay with me her husband. every time she says she will never see him again. then I find out she is still seeing him. I dont really want to give another chance.
so now the boyfriend of hers is leaving for vacation for a month. so she figures this is her chance to break up with him. she wants to get back together with me. i want her back but i know it would only be temporary until she finds another guy to have fun with. i have asked her to go live with this guy if she loves him so much but she refuses to leave. she says he is a loser and cant support her. so why i ask did you leave me for him?
i guess if i give her another chance she will just end up hurting me again. I feel like a doormat. just something to be stepped on. but we have a two year old child and i would do anything for my baby even if it means being in a bad relationship. i think my daughter deserves to have two parents.
TPSicotte from The Great White North on February 24, 2011:
Some people want it all I guess. On the surface cheaters appear to want the security and safety of a long term relationship and the excitement and infatuation of a new romance. The person having the affair tends to rationalize and minimize the situation because to them their long term relationship and their affair are two different animals. The inability of these individuals to control their impulses and empathize with the person they are hurting is severely limited for any number of reasons.
For those who have already been hurt, there is a strong desire to live in denial, to protect their ego by creating stories of how they still love the cheater and how they believe there is still hope. However, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Can people change? Yes, but often only with a lot of support and in this case probably marital therapy and a serious commitment to repairing the damage.
When there are other considerations such as children then some adjustments may need to be made, but in many instances the person who has been cheated on may need to honestly ask themselves if they are willing to allow and accept further cheating because that is likely what the future has in store. This isn’t meant to be pessimistic but it is more than likely scenario that will play out if there is no commitment to counseling.
Ideally, as we grow and become more differentiated and autonomous adults we can begin to accept that we can live without one particular person in our lives. We become more and more trusting in our own abilities and resources and feel less of a need to depend on others for validation and significance. We learn to self sooth and become more and more self reliant. When we get to this stage the love we develop with another can often be far more intimate and honest. We cease to engage in controlling conversations and actions and begin to seek genuine relationships.
For example, a person can have a much deeper intimate relationship with someone who is strong enough to listen to and understand their fantasy life and in many cases appreciate the honesty that is required for that type of sharing. However in many cases when people feel like they have been in love with someone who is not who they think they are, they are usually right. They only knew about that person what the person was willing to show them. The persons need for control has prevented them or their partner from being completely honest. Can true intimacy come from such a stunted relationship?
I agree with the hub that the secrecy and underground behavior associated with cheating is the real harmful issue. Some people are capable of having open relationships with great intimacy because they have honesty. Other people can have strictly monogamous relationships and little intimacy because at least one of the partners is only presenting what the other wants to see. In these relationships the one who is only presenting the image they think will be loved will likely become more and more insecure as they believe the person their partner loves is not their true self. The real challenge is to find someone who genuinely shares our beliefs and values and honestly wants the same things we do. Yet in many cases, when partners only reflect back to the other what they think they want to see and hear, real intimacy has little chance of existing. How can anyone be intimate when they are only seeing a false front?
In many cases cheating is a symptom of a relationship that lacks honesty and intimacy. A relationship is not a fixed contract. It is a process that requires a commitment to continually finding ways to share honesty and depth of understanding. Often this comes through sexual expression but it can come in other forms as well. Sometimes we may not like all we see in a truly honest partner but if who they are is genuine and honest isn’t it better than pretending to be what the other desires?
When people cheat it seems they are often trying to delude themselves that they are finding intimacy because they can present a side of themselves during an affair that their long term partner hasn't seen. This is further fuelled by their insecurity which has worsened over time as they have come to believe their current partner is in love with a false version of themselves. However, the belief that an affair is somehow deeply intimate is a false belief because while they are being honest about some of the shadow material in their psyche, the cheater is not doing so in a complete, honest, open, and intimate relationship. They are only playing at intimacy. Their insecurity based need for true intimacy does not provide the desired result. Like their long term relationship their affair is also just another version of pretend intimacy. Further, when their hidden behavior comes to light it often serves as a self-fulfilling prophecy because their long term partner no longer loves and accepts the person they now see. Their actions have in a way portrayed to their partner that their relationship had not been one of honesty and sincerity and therefore had also been lacking in true intimacy.
lilo on February 22, 2011:
its sickening the amount of posts on this about cheating ... seriously what is wrong wit people y cant they just break up with the person... or grow some balls an tell the truth!!!!!
Lilo on February 22, 2011:
Need a bit of advice??
im with my boyfriend 3 and a half years and 2 and a half years ago i found out that he had being texting and phoning this girl .. I confronted him about this and he said that he had seen her on a night out and she was a friend of the person he was with and the next day she had text him and they had been talking since (he says he doesnt know how she got his num)
After i confronted him he said he wouldnt be talking to her anymore but a couple of days later i seen he had dialed a hotel number after a night out .. i confronted him and he said that he was drunk and she called asking to get a hotel room .. he rang but there was no rooms so he went home.. He then said he would never speak to her again and he told me that she text him twice that day but he didnt reply and they nvr spoke since
However recently I have found out that that night they actually did go to a hotel he says that he only stayed there for about an hour then got out of there ( this was a sat and i confronted him on the monday)
I have spoken to this girl and she says it only happened that once . i think the whole texting thing lasted about 2-3 weeks .. im not sure which category of the 3 it falls into no1 or no2??
Because it was 2 and a half years ago (he was 19 and she was 25) i dont no whether to try forgive this .. whether it was one stupid thing or whetehr its just the only thing that i know about and there is more
ANy advice is appreciated
so confused. on February 18, 2011:
I have been reading through all the situations above praying id find one similar to my own.. i am in desperate need of advice.
heres my story.
i met my boyfriend 5 1/2 years ago .. i was very young when i met him and despite him being 8 years older than me i fell head over heels. its safe to say that before meeting my boyfriend i was a virgin without ANY experience of men /sex etc. therfore everything i know in that field is purely a result of the relationship with my boyfriend. i have always seen my boyfriend almost as 'too good for me' and have had constant issues regarding him leaving me or cheating. i can admit that i am a typical nagging girlfriend... constantly wanting to know where he is .. who hes with etc. Sex is also a big issue in our relationship where our sex drives were completely out of sync where he wanted sex wayyyy more than i did (this had nothing to do with how much i was attarcted to him just purly my sex drive). i feel sex was the biggest issue in our realtionship which causes most of our arguments , but my bf also reassured me that we would carry on working at it and he would rather have me and a poor sex life than loose me.
anyway teh initial things which occured that fuled my paranoia where things such as overhearing him talking to one of his army friends about a girl who apparently wanted to have sex with him. when confronting him about this he said this was just how males in the army talk.... trying to impress eachother showing off thier maculinity etc. the next occurance was when i found a number of a female in his wallet. after calling the female myself i found out that he had asked her for her number and thats where it ended (yet again this occured in the presense of his army friends).
the final and most serious occurance happened recently. basicly due to my army bein g in the army he travels a bit. we live in the uk but he went to canada for 5 weeks before xmas.. then spent xmas at home before returning to canada again until the end of march. basicly i found out through stalking his facebook and accepting a friend request from a female that hes been cheating on me with a female in canada since the first time he went there. he has confesd to sleeping with her upon more than once occasion but still stands his ground and says that it was purely sex and he was filling a hole that exsisted in his life (this meaning the lack of sex i gave him ). according to him he is now trying to get rid of this woman but it seems she has gotten attached. from looking and doing a little bit of detective work on facebook this woman is 35 with four children. my boyfriend is only 26 and i myself am only 21. i do not in any sense understand why he woild do this .. however i do not believe that he truely wnated a relationship with this woman due to the fact that she has 4 kids and he will be leaving canada in march. in addition to this.. i am by no means a big headed person but this woman is not even good looking in comparison to my boyfriend.. .. so many people are telling me to just walk away but our relationship was sooo good before any of this happened.... i fully acknowledge i was a pain in the arse at the best of times and he looked after me and treated me so well. my boyfriend swears he is severing contact with this woman and admits he has made the biggest mistake he has ever made in his life. once again he continues to add that the army life style makes fidelity difficult.. i can understand this to an extent but .. ohh i just dont have a clue.. PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THEY THINK. i am deeply in love with this man... i myself have tried to not speak to him since i found out but i am finding this impossible!
Susan on February 15, 2011:
To Sadly Shocked,
I found out less than a week ago that my husband had a physical and emotional affair for about two months. I just wanted to comment on your need to say something to the bitch whore who was having an emotional affair with your husband, DO IT! I can't tell you how gratifying it was for me to call the bitch and leave her a message and to text her and to e mail her and then the ultimate gratification was when i got a hold of her husband and told him about the affair. I warned her that I would do it. I told him a day after I found out. Yes, I am that powerful that I was able to get her name, find her, find him and get ahold of him. I took my DAMN POWER back!! I took my control back. I have asked her repeatedly to talk to me because I think I deserve to know why she, as a married woman herself, would go after or allow another woman's man to go after her. She wouldn't like it done to her, why did she do it to me? I know it's his fault and he is as much to blame as her, but she is a woman and women think with their emotions not with their vaginas like men think with their $%#'s. Their family is exactly like ours. She and her husband have been together since 1991, while my husband and I have been together since 1993. They have one child who is the same age as our one child. It is sickening how much like our family they are. The only difference is I have been sick since 2001 which was the year after I had my son and my husband had cancer two years ago, so there is the difference. The difference? My husband and I have made a journey through life together and we have had a lot of downs during our journey. Maybe it's just been too much. Sadly, I don't think I can trust him again. If he had come clean to me when I asked if he was having an affair (the day before I found out), I might be thinking very different right now. The other thing is about a month ago I told him I had some pain "down there" and was sore and I needed to know if there was any chance at all that I was exposed to anything. He told me no. This is what makes me the sickest. The fact that he put my health at further risk destroys me and is the ultimate betrayal to me. Right now, I can't deal with anything because my son is home sick and now I'm sick (flu sick) and my husband has been home from work to stay with our son too. My son wants his father here when he is sick as much as he wants mommy here and I will NOT deny that comfort to my son. So, I've had to sit in the same room with my husband and just pretend everything is okay; however, there's not been much talking.
So, yes, call her and rip into her and get answers. I believe it is one of the things the betrayed spouse will need to do to make themselves whole again.
finding a wayout on January 22, 2011:
I found out last week that two months ago my wife kissed a co-worker. We have been togeather for over 22 years and have two kids. I love her very much she is my world and has kept me on the right road. She told me she had a snog at work with a man she had been working with for about two weeks. she said he made her feel good and as she has never kissed another man before she wanted to try it. So she asked him to go into a room with her and the snoged. This new as hurt me very much I can't think, sleep or understand why. I ask her question which she will just say I cant remember or it's not inportant. I would say this comes under affair 2? I asked her if he meant anything to her and she said "no" but she did know by doing this it would hurt me. So why did she think so little of me our love and the kids and still do this? She say she will never do this again as she now knows what how she has messed up. My question is if she says shes made an mistake, how can it be mistake she know for day;s she was going to do it but did not put a stop to it. And also if it was a mistake why did she wait two months to tell me and at no point over those two month try and make things better?. I am going to show her this Web page when she gets back home because she thinks I should just forgive her and move on. ANYONE KNOW THIS IS DONE? please tell me. Still feeling like shit. Also persons who hace an offair should be beat near to death just for the pain they have inflicted on others? Sorry about my grammer feeling ver low right now and not sure where to turn next.
Sadly Shocked on January 16, 2011:
I don't know if I will ever get over the pain I’ve been in since I found out my husband was been having a text/call affair for 2 years. The disrespect to me, our marriage, our kids over a “game” has damaged me to the core.
He fell asleep with his cell phone in the bed--she kept sending messages, which I promptly found. It was with a woman I know (but had no idea he was keeping in touch with), whom he dated briefly before he and I were engaged (13 years ago). Ironically, I met her just before they dated (with my now-husband there) and at the time she was dating a married co-worker, flagrantly--he stopped by to pick her up. She was a friend of friends, but not friends enough to me to let me know what was going on or warn those her or hubby about the impending damage... I think he never stopped holding a candle out there for her, although he denies that completely.
3 months later, I still experience major setbacks, I'm (back) on antidepressants and occasionally antianxiety meds.
He cut it off with her on the phone in front of me shortly after I found out. He swears it was nothing sexual and swears they never met (she's not nearby). Since then he's been contrite and loving, and he wants me and our marriage back. He admits to being wrong, has apologized up and down and is embarrassed by and feels guilty about his actions. He’s my husband full force again and then some. He gave me the phone company passcodes, etc, and leaves the phones where I can see them (most of the time).
But I don’t know if I will ever really believe him about anything, or if I'll ever get out of this mental hell; all during those 2+ years, he told me he loved me, that we were great, and that he was so lucky. Since all this started, I've had good days, and we've had good talks and great sex. But the ghosts haunt me (You were doing what for HOW long????). Hundreds of texts, hours on the phone. They never went more than 24 hours. For two years.
I'm afraid of being a perpetual basket case. I love a husband whom I don’t trust, I have two little kids who love Daddy, and my future wasn't supposed to be without him in it. I HAVE to start counselling, I am making myself (and so him, and so our marriage and what he's trying to salvage) miserable. When it becomes overwhelming or unbearable, I've taken to digging my nails into my hands and fingers, or biting the side of my thumb because one pain does outshadow another, but there must be a better mental "Serenity Now" I can practice, but I don't know what that is.
For others who may be just in the beginning of a similar nightmare, quickly find a copy of “NOT Just Friends” by Shirley Glass--it validated my feelings so I didn't feel utterly nuts about what I was experiencing.
I cannot figure out how to get past the setbacks though. The moments of Holy Shit, It's Happening Again because I have unanswered questions, or because I heard the wrong song on the radio or saw a picture of us at what I thought was a happy time (Did he call/text her before or after that picture???)...AND HOW DO THEY BOTH JUST END IT? JUST LIKE THAT? He says he just doesn't think about her. HUHHHH??
Am I wrong to want to reach out to this little cat-in-heat and tell her I think she's pathetic? Part of me thinks I would find some closure from that.
How does one find peace in all this? The damage is shocking, the emotions diametricly opposed.
Any advice on how to cope is welcome.
eissej on January 15, 2011:
I agree with Dr. Phil's definition - what I've heard him say is "if you wouldn't do it with your partner standing next to you, then it's cheating". My husband has had two emotional affairs, the second a few years ago after promising "never again" after the first many years ago. Those who keep blaming the state of their marriage - whatever that state may be - are just coming up with excuses/reasons. There is no good reason, there are always alternatives, not to mention everybody has the option of just saying "no" when presented with the opportunity to cheat in any way. We all likely go into a relationship with unrealistic expectations, and most of us probably also don't do much talking about what they are ahead of time, either. There apparently are folks who are truly okay if their partner goes outside their relationship for "whatever", but I doubt many of us would ever be okay with it. Once it's happened, you're never really the same because you can't forget it, even if you forgive the trust gets damaged. If betrayal happens a second time, it can halfway drive you nuts if you still love the person. Those who claim "it was NOTHING since I never touched her" are clueless - many experts believe an emotional affair will hurt a wife more than a physical one, since it implies a genuine relationship is already in place. And that type of intimacy and sharing tortures you. If you really want to get up close and personal with someone who isn't your partner, have the decency to leave them FIRST. Every time you hide things you do it because you know you're doing something wrong, and every time your partner finds out what you've hidden, they die inside a little bit at a time and it keeps the whole thing very much alive for them. I've also heard Dr. Phil tell couples on his show that when a man/woman cheats, the betrayed partner needs to understand: it was not about them at all, it's about issues the cheating partner already has inside them. You and you alone are responsible for your actions.
Anon on December 30, 2010:
I have never felt more ashamed of anything I've done than what I did the other day. I'm not going to try and justify it in anyway but the shear pain and guilt has made me suicidal. I've been going through some hormonal changes as of late and stupidly put myself in a situation with a woman (friends fiancé) who had been flirtatious and made advances. She initiated the encounter and before I knew fully what I was doing I was having sex with her. Immediately after I felt souch remorse and guilt that my whole world shattered. I knew what I did was wrong and told my wife face to face that night, along with friend, so all parties are aware. Strange thing is is that I almost feel setup. As there was seemingly no anger or bitterness on their end and their relationship still seems to be ongoing (she has had multiple flings).
My wife has chosen to forgive me and understands my part of it. And everyday now I show her I can be the husband she needs and wants. But this guilt and the pain I've caused her is killing me, she has been the strong one while I'm the one who can't stop crying. We have a house together but no children. I am a cheater. But will NEVER cheat again.
Advice needed on December 30, 2010:
I found out a month ago my wife was having a #3 affair. Due to complications I had to wait to confront her. I did confront her almost a week ago and told her I am willing to forgive and I want to work things out. We have kids. I know what our issues are (both individually and as a couple) and I feel that we can work through this. Recognizing that we both have faults and having had those few weeks to think through this has made me much more patient / tolerant than 99% of people would be in this situation. I have started down the path of correcting my faults / issues over the last week.
What is concerning me is that I am not getting good feedback from her in terms of efforts/desire to be together (to be frank I'm getting close to zero feedback). I am the one initiating searching for marriage counseling, I am the one starting the conversations trying to talk to her about this. She indicated she wants to work things out but if we did not have kids I am sure she would leave.
I am sure some responses will be "how much more of a hint do you need, throw her out." My concern is that I really gave her a reality check in confronting her, I am not sure if her non-reaction is due to shock or whether she is not committed to working things out. We are for the most part going about our normal life which is not a terrible thing for the kids for the very short-term.
My question is: how much time do you give someone to sort this through for themselves? We have had a lot of frank conversations the last couple of days (which needed to happen years ago) which have cleared up some unresolved issues in a positive way. However, having had to bite my tongue for a while and after waiting almost a week and still not having received a definitive answer from her, my ability to hold it together is becoming very thin. I understand it will take time for her to break off the emotional attachment to the other party.
Any advice is definitely appreciated!
Alan on December 29, 2010:
This was a good article. I got cheated on and am getting divorced. But people dont realize how hard it is to let go of the spouse. Even though my head knows I need to leave her, my heart doesn't want to.
Veronica (author) from NY on December 27, 2010:
Of the three types, #1 is the only type I can ever imagine forgiving and getting passed. If what actually happened is truly what he said happened, it wasn't filled with intent and deception and making a conscious decision to disregard his promise to you, choosing instead to lie to you. The after-the-fact thing is not what I'm talking about. Deciding not to tell you afterward is almost understandable. The lie that to me is completely unforgivable is the one he pre-meditates. The one he decides to tell, intends to tell and prepares to tell you BEFORE he cheats.
Joan, you shouldn't live in any situation that truly makes you feel bad. If you just can't get passed this, no advice in the world should convince you that you should have to live with feeling so shit-upon. If you feel you need to remove yourself from this, you have to do what's right for you. And that would certainly be understandable. But if you think you can forgive and get passed what was a single night of drunken stupidity, not an intentional deception, then I really wish you both the best. One piece of advice I would offer if that's the case is look to see if he ever puts himself in that situation again. I'm not saying if he cheats again, I'm saying if he does the "too much to drink and after party thing" again. Putting himself in the situation where he lost control last time, shows that he isn't too concerned. However if he does make the change to insure that stupid mistake never has the opportunity to happen again, I would take that as a real sign that he's sorry.
Joan on December 27, 2010:
I am in situation 1 and feel terrible.
Before we got married we had been together for 5 years.
Our wedding was amazing, the best day of my life. I trusted my husband totally. I am English but live in Sweden (hubby is Swedish-Jonas) and so travel back to England regularly. I was there in the summer, 2 months after our wedding. During this time, my husband had a drunken one night stand. This is how he says it happened.
1. Been at party all day and then an after party and was very drunk.
2. Travelling home, a taxi stops and a girl gets out after arguing with her friends. She doesn't live in the city and so Jonas travels with her. Then, to help her out he says that she can sleep in our apartment. At this point, he has assured me that he was just trying to help her out and that there were no thoughts about sleeping with her.
3. They get back to our apartment, she smokes on the balcony and Jonas goes to the toilet. Then he goes to bed without saying anything to her.
4. Wakes up at 8 o.clock with her in bed next to him. Has faint memories of having sex with her.
5. Tells her to leave immediately.
He had decided not to tell me about this as he was confused himself about how it had happened and that it didn't mean anything. I asked him, just joking around on Christmas Day night if he had cheated on me. I saw the guiltiest look ever on his face and then he told me. He couldn't hide it when I asked him outright.
He is really sorry and hates himself and obviously hates hurting me.
The pain I am feeling is immense, it is just horrible. I am so shocked and never thought he would do this to me.
I also felt pretty strong that I would never forgive a cheater but trust me, when you are in the situation it is really different. He has done something that I hate but I still love him. Just seeing the pain he is in, over what he has done, breaks my heart even more. We got back from our honeymoon jsut over a week ago amd it was amazing. But everything we have been trough between then (July) and now is just a big fat lie. I don't know what to do. I don't want to live without him but I don't want to live with him. 3 days ago we were talking about having children, even had sex a few times unprotetected on our honeymoon, not pregnant tho, thankfully.
conflicted on December 20, 2010:
25 years we have been married. 25 years. I noticehed that we had grown apart but I still loved her. She just wasn't the same toward me. We have had problems which I was part of the root cause and openly admit them today. The problem is I couldn't prevent more than half of the things that she has complained about in our counselling. Back last summer, I discovered the affair. They had met on line and had two dinners together. She swore they were just friends and nothing more. But the contents of the emails said otherwise. We fought over this all summer with her refusing to stop her friendship. Edventually she moved out and then slept with him. Oh and yes, he's married too. She has supposedly broken it off and about a month ago said she wanted to try and salvage our marriage. I am willing to try but it is really difficult. I love her and have tried consistently to draw us back together but she keeps resisting, confronting me on stuff from years past in our marriage. I have said over and over again that I was sorry and would do everything in my power to change but evidently that isn't good enough. If the affair is brought up, she usually flees. I am so frustrated that I don't know what to do. I feel so humiliated by the affair and hate the bastard, who knew me and knew that I knew of their intentions. I know most of these post say dump her but I just can't.
Hurt too on December 13, 2010:
@Daniel-I sympathize with you, man. It's one thing to forgive, but forgetting is so hard. I would advise you to not touch her again and just walk away. Live celibate and enjoy a peaceful life.
I was hurt too. Found out in November my wife did some internet affairs/flings, etc. I forgave but cannot look at her the same anymore. She blamed me "not meeting" her "needs". I think that is a bs cop out like blaming a gun manufacturer for some loony killing someone.
I thought perhaps a divorce would give me peace, but don't believe the Lord would allow it since it wasn't physical.
In your situation, though, take the out, don't be tortured.
Vicki on November 03, 2010:
I'm in situation #2. I broke it off with him, but my bf is trying really hard to win me back. He text me almost everyday saying he loves me and he misses me. This has been going on for a month already. I feel as though he really wants this, and he tells me he will do anything for me to take him back. Should I take the risk and give him a second chance? I really want to, but I am so scared to get hurt again.
LISAAMA on October 15, 2010:
I was with the habitual cheater - all kinds - full blown, flirting, sexting, online. You name it. For 13 miserable roller coaster years. In the end I finally "spy phoned" his cell (like I needed any more proof)and got proof that couldn't be "explained away". This was after I moved out and came back with an absolute last chance ultimatum. He did change and we did get along better than we ever did, but guess what...he was still up to old tricks. So I kicked him out and started the divorce docs. The longer I go without speaking to him, the better I feel. My strength and self esteem returns more every day.
Going to the lawyers was like a reality slap and the final nail in the coffin to our marriage. Saying "out loud" the reasons for my divorce was a Homer Simpson DUH! moment. After that I had not one second to waste on my soon to be ex.
So please, to all those...I love him...will he change people. If ANY kind of cheating has happened MORE than once (everyone gets one chance for redemption) then forget them! Don't waste years of your life like I did.
And you are NOT doing the kids any favors. Mine are teenagers now ( 4 boys) and they hated this roller coaster. Upsetting for everyone. They have all told me how proud they are that I am finally standing up for myself and how happy they are not to have to deal with the drama anymore. (pretty sad thing to realize you did to your kids)
Good Luck to anyone dealing with the betrayal its too devastating for words, but DO NOT go through it more than once. Take it from a seasoned "pro".
PAULI BAKER on September 28, 2010:
i dont believe a person doesn't love their wife/husband just because they had an affair..yes they are a selfious bastard..sorry i am talking about my husband. he had a 6 yr. affair..i just found out 2 yrs. ago & am still not over it...i lost 20 lbs. w/my nervous breakdown. but maybe he did still love me.. he just ran like a piece of crap, instead of telling me what his problem was. now, will he cheat again? idk
Sue on September 26, 2010:
I don't think meaningless sex with another is going to help you. Perhaps marriage counseling, time and your wife's good behavior will help. Perhaps not. Even though I think she did a horrible thing your wife is right when she says, two wrongs won't make a right. I think it would just make a bigger mess. My husband cheated on me for years and I found out four years ago and occasionally there are still times it feels like yesterday but not so often any more. My husband and I are also separated as I couldn't work my heart and mind past it because he wouldn't do his part to make it better. It doesn't just go away. Anyone who says that is lying. It would take a lot of hard work and honesty on both parties parts to make a marriage work after infidelity. And this sucks but it takes more work on the part of the person who has been cheated on. I think a lot of people stay but it doesn't mean they've worked it all out. And your right, intimacy only makes it better for so long. So I don't really have any advice, just encouragement that you can work past it and the pain does fade and to take care of yourself and try not to drive yourself crazy. Easier said than done. I beat myself up for years mentally. And be strong and loving for your kids, don't bad mouth their mother in front of them if possible. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you make after the affair when you too "aren't in your right mind"...
Sad Dan on September 26, 2010:
I couldn't read through all of the comments in this article. What I read, however, I found myself absorbing. I found out about my wife's affair a year ago and to this day it feels as though it happened yesterday. We have three beautiful children one of which could very easily be a product of her affair which I found about 4 months into her pregnancy. I wanted an abortion, I wanted grudge sex, I wanted all of my hopes, dreams and pictures of the future to stay intact... None of it is working out for me. I read an interesting article about the habitual acts of humans and how closely we are related to monkeys and that one partner sex is against our nature. It's hard to swallow. I understand that looking at the opposite sex is easy to do(even fantasize about it) but to actually do it secretly for 8 months with two children while your partner works daily to provide a good life(being the ONLY focus) is hard for me. I guess my heart is bigger than most. Either that or I'm totally lost. I feel like my Mom did a good job though.....I can't get over the images. They haunt me daily. I knew the guy. He is gone now and I do see my wife trying her hardest to prove herself to me again, yet the images still haunt. Intimacy will patch the problem for a few days, but without it I go straight back to square one. I know I'm having insecurity issues. Tonight I brought up," perhaps if I had meaningless sex with another I could begin to feel equal" and her comment was,"If you did that I couldn't take it","two wrongs don't make a right". Is this a double standard? Am I wrong for thinking this way? I've been through more than most people at the age of 29. I won't go into detail, just trust me. None of those hard times prepared me for this. I want to make this work for us, and the kids, but is it true that she really doesn't love me? Will meaningless sex with another help? Should I just leave and show my kids what it means to be strong on your own and find healthier relationships? I also found out about a long term perscription drug addiction while this was happening. She tells me,"I was clouded", "I wasn't in my right mind". I've been MORE than there but was able to stop all vices with my heart and will power. I'm a respected leader in a corporate company now...That was a thing of the past. This is crazy. Any advice will help. Trust me when I say I can take the constructive criticism. Thank you in advance.
completely fooled... on September 25, 2010:
I just want to say how much I appreciate this page. I haven't smiled, laughed, or eaten in the last 4 days... It's really not that funny but I laughed for the first time when one person (I don't remember who) said "I gave that woman ANOTHER cursed chance." I can relate the those who have said they would never forgive a partner for such a betrayal and I thought for certain I was the same way, especially given my history of having been betrayed by high school boyfriends and witnessing my father do this to my mother over and over. I even hate myself a little for trying to see his side of this now...much less considering giving him a second chance. Because I have dated such shady, untrustworthy liars in the past, I thought I had gotten it right this time. Now I'm questioning EVERYTHING, everytime he said he loved me, everytime he looked deep into my eyes, and when he held me each and every night. I truly thought this guy was genuine, sincere, honest, generous, caring,and so affectionate. We lived together and were planning to get married. In the year that we have dated, there was NOTHING, NOTHING to make me suspect anything. I have never caught him in a lie. We worked together and lived together. I was pretty much his whole life outside of work. His phone rarely went off. He would check it right in front of me when he recieved texts--NOTHING. No girls, no flirting, NOTHING. When I first discovered the "evidence" everyone that we know said "No, NOOOO there's no way he would ever do that to you." No one had ever seen my boyfriend and this girl talking, flirting, NOTHING...
I will admit that there had always been an underlying dynamic of insecurity between the both of us. I have never been able to fully trust men, and even though I was suspicious at times and I would assume the worst in him, I figured this was due to my own trust issues and never rationally thought he would cheat on me because of how well he treated me over a year long period. He never really truly opened his heart to me about his insecurities, but I would get comments like "you're just going to leave me for someone better." So I knew we had a few issues. Apart from these things we were so happy in the year we were together. We always laughed, had fun just being with each other, and always wanted to be together. I am completely shocked and devestated. I feel totally tricked and fooled.
I had to move to another place for school and he had planned to move there with me a few months after I did. (he couldn't transfer jobs right away) He was even helping me pay for my apartment in the new city. After a few days of me being gone, he went to a going-away party for a coworker. His friend drove him there. His friend left early and he wanted to stay. A coworker, that I knew had wanted him for a while, at some point during the night offered to take him home. According to him he got "so drunk" and "so stupid" enough to have sex with her in our apartment with our condoms. Clearly I don't buy the drunk excuse. For what its worth I don't think he planned this because he knows I count those condoms and would have bought more specifically for her. I just can't believe this. It only gets worse though... I was suspicious when I came into town to visit and found some evidence (bought condoms to replace the one he had used). I pretty much caused a huge scene at his work and damaged his apartment. When I finally calmed down enough to ask him the next day he blamed it on his friend. Because of his past actions I decided (although difficult) to give him the benefit of the doubt. He guilted me for what I did to him and made me feel bad for not trusting him. We took a week apart and then got back together. He said "I didn't need time apart, I knew my decision all along, I wanna live my life with you." So I was happy he forgave ME. The past three weeks were perfect with no problems UNTIL 4 days ago he finally confessed that it was actually him who had sex in our apartment. He said he confessed so "we could start over." He said he has felt horrible for this everyday, but he "had to lie to me because I knew you'd leave me." Which is what I had always told him regarding cheating. He lied to my face for the past month and made me think I was wrong for not trusting him and how I reacted. He cried, he begged, he said like everyone does "I'll do anything." I made him feel horrible and left.
I can't even believe any of this happened. I thought he was my good guy. Now I am so lost. I don't want to give him another chance just to be taken advantage of again. But I don't want to walk away without trying to see if I can get over this and we can work through ALL of the issues we've had. At this point and after what he's done I dont know him at all. I don't know how he felt about me, I don't know who he is, I don't know. I told him the only way I'd consider a second chance is if he showed me if he really wants this relationship by not drinking, getting an std test, and going to counseling for the next few months. This is the only way he can prove to me he wants this, wants this to work. So the decision is up to him and simple--do these things to show me you're in this. If you don't I don't even need to waste my time figuring out if you are who I thought you were. He made this mess, so why should I be the one to clean it up ( at this point) when I don't know he really wants a future.
So now I've seen the other side... always thought I'd take the easy way and just walk away. But I don't know if I can even respect myself if I give him another chance, only time will tell, and only time will tell what he decides to do, what he decides this relationship is worth.
I'm sorry for everyone here who has suffered this. It is excruciating. But in the end, whether we give a second chance or walk away, whether the relationship works or it doesn't, hopefully everyone learns something about themselves.
nine on August 19, 2010:
saly on August 09, 2010:
i have a Q i hope u people tell me do u think am a cheater here is my story>>
i was in relation with him then he went to france he emailed me for 2 months only then he didnt bother his self even to send a msg i met one of his friends here i waited for 4 months when he didnt call i talked to this guys any ways 2 weeks ago we had sex and few day ago my ex came back i still love him but i didnt forgive after few days i called him i told him i forgived u ...now he is telling me you are a cheater i was faithful to u and i didnt even touch a gurl in france and now my friend told me that u had sex with him ..
so guyz do u think am cheater or no ?
Dibble on August 07, 2010:
What I like best about this article is that it doesn't cater to those self serving wankers who just want to make excuses for stupid behavior. So many articles out there are written by the cheater hoping to never have to take blame or deal with the carnage they cause.
Brilliant. Highly recommend
Veronica (author) from NY on August 07, 2010:
IP 22.214.171.124 Sky Broadband
Reported for spamming to Sky Broadband, City of London, United Kingdom
JR on July 20, 2010:
Today, I will pray for love
Wounded on July 12, 2010:
I have been dealing with my situation (posted above about 3 months ago)for several months now. I have not been able to get over what happened. It has gotten easier, but I can't forget. What has made it a little more difficult is that I started to have feelings for a friend of mine. I have totally cut my friend out of the picture because I realized that was completely unfair. However, I still can't get back to where I was emotionally with my husband. I don't know if I can get there, but I still have to try for the sake of my marriage. I really don't know what will happen.
Lately, I have been dealing with all the thoughts that have come back to me about all he has done to hurt me (not just the recent text messages, but the old stuff). And I have been looking at online forums for advice/comfort. What I have come to realize is that all guys have had the same excuse for their ridiculous behavior. It has made me sick knowing the lies these guys have been feeding us. That it was "all a joke" and they "were just curious and thought it would be funny". I seriously thought my husband was the only one, but it turns out there are more guys out there like this.
I haven't been able to give up yet because he is REALLY trying and thats why I want to try, but seriously I have realized he has lied again and again. I don't know what I am to do yet.
To all the girls recently who have had your man text/ talk to another girl and sees nothing wrong with it. GET OUT NOW ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE NOT MARRIED. They say they will change, but from my experience IT DOES NOT CHANGE EVEN AFTER YOU ARE MARRIED. Don't make threats you are not willing to back up like I did.
more tha hurt on July 08, 2010:
We dated with my husband for four years and we have been married for three years,He had a past with many girlfriends but When we got together I thought he changed, recently he started coming home drunk and late,and there was a particular number he was calling.
After sometimes I saw a text message from his phone which he had received from that number I had noted and it was saying I quote "Why do you want us to break up and you know that I love you so much,why do you want us to part ways and am still thinking about you" end of quote.by what I understood its like they were in a relationship and my husband had told her that they break up,I was so hurt that my husband could cheat on me, when I confronted him he said that they were only communicating through phone and they only met once and they did not have sex.
After I that I moved out because I felt hurt and betrayed because even when I asked him why he did that he did not have a reason, he even said sorry and that he did not love that girl, The most surprising thing is that am young because am turning 24 years and we do not have kids, so I don't understand why he did it, I guess I moved out because I did not see anything I can hold on to. He has apologized but I don't think I will ever forgive him, he is saying that am exaggerating this whole issue but I don't think so because I later called that girl and she said that they were in are relationship and that they have met occasionally and my husband did not tell her that he was married,Do you think am exaggerating this matter?
stillhurtt on July 06, 2010:
DJ, it's probably better for you to just get out now. It will save you a lot of mess down the road. I'm starting to see that once someone breaks your heart & shatters your trust there's not much you can do to piece it back together. Even if you do put it back together it will still never ever be the same.
dj on July 06, 2010:
this speaks to me...but the part that hurts me the most is he blames me for his cheating...he wont own up his actions, but he "loves" me...and the part that just disgustme is that the girl he cheated with has a bf and a child and she "loves" her bf..the way i see it they deserve each others lying behinds....the funniest part is when mynow ex told me that they didnt have sex they were just close friends...she was his "confidant" and they talked about their relationships and the farthest they've gone is touching each other... the point is he still felt the need to hide iteven if they didnt have sex whywas she naked in his bed? Now he's giving me all this hooblahsaying he loves me and he wants me back and this and that
stillhurt on July 05, 2010:
I am here for honest opinions, but please do not put me down. Here goes:
My husband & I have been married for a little over a year now. We met very young (he a month out from his 17th birthday, & I recently 18), online nonetheless. This finally resulted in me moving to a different state to live with him nearly 2 years later. Of course, as you might imagine, it was VERY rocky, mostly due to us not truly knowing each other. I caught him in several lies & he had been talking to multiple other girls in varying degrees of seriousness. I stuck with it because, well I don't know why. It was probably really stupid. Anyway, we continued on, arguing a lot but I really wanted to be with him & our relationship couldn't be better explained by any word than "bi-polar". There were many red flags that he cheated but I chose not to trust my instincts & I stayed.
He got into trouble with the law, & I was forced to move back to my home state. While he was locked up & before I moved, I cheated on him one time with someone close to him. A total mistake. He had a relifious experience in jail & seemed like he was really turning his life around. He even wrote a letter to my parents apologizing for not taking care of me like he should have. After I moved & he got out, I admitted my mistake to him. He eventually forgave me & when we found out he couldn't move to my state unless he had a relative there, we decided to get married. We got married the day before my 21st birthday.
Not a month later, I get a funny feeling because he isn't keeping in touch & look at his phone bill. I start calling numbers & uncover an affair with a girl that started shortly after we married & was still going on. I also uncover that he was cheating with another girl basically the whole time we were together. At the time I was very religious & felt it was God's will for us to stay together.
He finally was able to transfer to my state & we have now been doing pretty good for almost a year of him being here. I have not been able to shake my suspicions though, even if at times they are irrational, or a stretch. I can tell he is trying reeeaalllyy hard & has grown up a lot. He now treats me pretty consistently like a queen. He has bonded with my family, & seems to truly, finally be on the up & up. He whole-heartedly claims he has changed, & that he was immature, scared of intimacy & didn't know what it was to be a man back then. Now he says (& backs it up with his actions) that he loves me & wants to devote his life to taking care of me, & some day our family.
There's just one problem. The pain & distrust from the past hangs over my head like a dark shadow, ready to swoop down on me at any time. The smallest thing will trigger a bad memory & I become an adrenaline-charged private investigator. I confront him on every number on his phone bill, on any receipt I don't remember. I am so happy with him, but then it hits me head-on. I want to accept his love & to trust him but I feel I mentally cannot do it.
I know I have been immensely stupid in the past for letting him get by with that behavior, I don't need you to tell me that. But now that I've stuck through it all and I'm finally reaping the rewards of my perseverance, the past won't let me enjoy it. What should I do?
mary on June 23, 2010:
thanks..yep so so true. My husband is a type 2 cheater..no physical but online..bloody shit got me pissed off and that was like 3 yrs ago..and still i don't trust him. i mean how could you..i told him divorce was my option from the start..he wanted to stay..now he is giving me hell. hopefully he'll get his shit together n leave already. God bless Us All
sarah_21 on June 08, 2010:
I wrote in a few months ago. I'm young and in love... he cheated and eventually we decided to try again. When we are together things are great, but its when we are apart that my mind starts to wander. Its not that I doubt him, I don't think anything would happen again... Its just memories of the past, all the pain I have felt...
We're actually doing long-distance right now (I know that sounds bad but the trust is really not a problem)
I just can't shake the feeling of running into the other girl, it has become such a huge anxiety.
And I'm still replaying the break up and imagining their night spent together.
I have forgiven in my heart and things with him are truly marvelous... but how can I forget?
This is ripping me apart and has the potential to destroy what we have worked so hard to repair.
Any suggestions would be helpful. But please, I don't need to be told to grow up and move on. I want to be with him, I want to give this another chance. I have made mistakes in the past too. I just need help in letting this go.
Thanks so much guys.
Feeling terrible. on June 07, 2010:
I feel terrible, but i did it. I worked with a girl, and we became friends over a couple of years, started dating, and have been together for 2 years, and lived together for only 5 months. I am 30, she is 24. Life felt amazing for the first time, she was amazing, and i was happy. I am one of the managers and have a decent job, hers wasnt so great within the company and left. I helped her, writing a cv etc, and she got a job in London. This was the same time as when we moved in, 5 months ago. Well 3 months ago, she receives a text froma guy called Pete. I asked who it was and she became very defensive and accused me of looking. She said it was a guy at work and it was nothing. I left it but wrote his number down. When her phone bill came in, it showed she had been taxting up to 60 times per day, and even in the evenings in our house. She deleted him from her phone, after i said i didnt like it, but he reappeared under a girls name.
the texts developed into dodgy picture messages of herself, and late night texts and calls. I went mad when i found out, and told her to cut all contact from him. Not easy when they work together. She said she was sorry and would.
Lots of late nights drinking in London starting ahppeneing, and she was getting changed into the shortest skirts possible, and coming home in an absolute state. I discovered that they were more photos and she had met him, just them two.
A few days later she told me she was meeting a friend on Sunday morning in London, and low and behold she actually met this guy, and came back at 8.30pm. She left me there in our house all day on my own, and i knew she was with him. It was the lowest day.
when she got home, i went mad, but she told me they were just friends. She didnt have many friends. Well what about the pic msgs, and our relationship? Why did you spend the day with him and not me? She had no answer. I decided to give myself time to think.
I booked a holiday for us, to get away on our own for a week. We did and we had a great time, she confessed she was having doubts about us, but now miraclously loves me unconditionally. I said you cant be that sure after a week, but i do want to try and work things out.
3 days after we gate back from holiday, guess what... she texted me at 6pm, after work saying a few girls from work were going out for dinner could she go. For the first time, i put my foot down and said no. I wanted her to come home because she had pro9mised me an evening together at the cinema. I called her 4 times, no answer. she texted back saying she was still going. I called 6 more times no answer. She came back home at gone midnight, drunk, and wearing the shortest leather mini skirt possible. She had photos on her phone of them together that evening in a bar, and she had texted him saying hi gorgeous, your yummy etc on the way home.
I kicked her out that night. Her parents have been told lies by her, because when they came to get her stuff, they spoke to me like i was scum. This was 2 days ago, i have deleted her numbers, and all details (although they are stuck in my memory) and im trying to forget and move on, but world that was perfect has been ripped apart, and its hard to stick to your guns. she continues to tell me that she has not cheated, and they are only friends, but their friendship is more than friends. I am devestated. I hope i will be able to say ina years time on this page that it was the best thing i ever did, but right now im in a right mess, and all i want to do is call her and tell her i love her.
Tweety on May 27, 2010:
I love this HUB and I love all the posts here. I live in a conservative society. Got married off when I was 22, to a 28 year old divorced man. Things were rough from the beginning. He knew I was young and gullible so he tried to rub me that way. In our first month of marriage I caught a text on MY cell phone (he was using it that day) that said 'Missing you (her name), so much it's almost physical the pain'. I confronted him with it. He denied anything and then gave some vague explanation about how lousy his first marriage was. The girl in question was his cousin and I had to meet her several times. I let that go and life went on. On our first wedding anniversary I discovered that he had hit upon one of MY cousins. This went public and I was the last one to know. That he had messaged her after we met her as she was staying in the same city we were. He had texted her that he wanted to be friends with her and she could call him anytime in the day at his office. I was ready to leave him then. But my parents flew over from another city just to patch us up. So I stayed.
This is our 6th year in marriage, and no kids yet. I am glad there aren't any. I had one miscarriage three years ago and I highly suspect it was because he was smoking pot, as I was experimenting with hormone treatment. So now the doctors say we cannot have a baby without IVF because of no sperm motility. I had accepted that and had started jobs to raise the money for IVF. Meanwhile husband did nohting to generate funds, instead he just focuses on getting more and more money and going abroad and his career.
Last month I discovered that he is having an affair again! This time with a married cousin of his. I found out by chance. I happened to glance at his email just as he was trying to close it. Long story short, the girl broke down and told her husband about it. He kept quiet for three days, on the fourth day my husband contacted him for some info and he (girl's husband who is also my husband's cousin, so they are all cousins, rats) sent a very angry mail to my husband. I did not need to know anything extra. his mail said all; that my husband had the audacity to mess around with his wife, and then ask him for favors. And that he could not have had one single decent conversation with her. 'The filth that comes out of you mind is disgusting' were his exact words. My husband tried to explain saying they had a history; that they had wanted to marry each other 6 years ago, but she had gotten engaged to the other cousin. And this time they were just remembering old times. I was flabbergasted for a long time. I had actually started trusting him. And then he does this.
He begged for forgiveness, and said this was the absolute last time. And I even gave in for a while. However I took an oath from him, and made him send her an email saying that it was a stupid mistake, and that he loves his wife only. This too he did hesitatingly. His father came to stay with us for a month just two days after I discovered this. I told husband I'm going to tell his dad. But he begged me not to, that it would break his heart. So I kept quiet. After he left I was after my husband to tell his parents himself or I would. He did not have the moral courage to do so. I asked a friend and she was furious. She said you can test him even now. So I posed as the girl and sent him a mail saying it might be over but I (she) still has feelings for him and will always cherish what we (they) had.
I kept a close watch on his email account. I had made him promise if she ever contacts again he would let me know. So I found that he read and deleted the mail, but not before forwarding it to an unknown to me email address. Now I don't know if that is his extra mail address, or hers. If it's his then he has too many secrets from me. And if it's hers then it's again a breach, even if he was double checking if she sent the mail or not. They might be in touch anyway. When he came home I watched him but he did not disclose anything, but seemed happier. So that was it, I packed my bags and went to my parents home.
Current situation: I thought he would come after me begging for forgiveness. No such thing. In fact the very next day he did call, and I said it's over. Then he totally changed track. When my father called his father that night, the first thing his father had to say was that I am a mad woman, I have hit and clawed my husband many times. So basically he had told all kinds of gory tales about me to his parents. And I had the reports with me and for the first time I told my parents. When they talked to his parents about the having children issue they denied it outright, that their son was fine blah blah. And husband never once contacted me after that. He just shut me out. After 20 days I sent him a mail and he replied how dare I walk out of the house, and how dare I show HIS reports to my parents. I know it's hard for a man. But in all this they all forgot what he did, and I became the bad one. There were times when I completely broke, because of his cheating and then his callous abandonment of me. At one point I even thought of crawling back in his arms, I missed that life so much. I have been confused till now, and he has said 'YOU walked out and you know me enough to know that I will not call you back'. So my parents also don't know what to do. I am going to decide nevertheless, I just don't know what.
Veronica (author) from NY on May 26, 2010:
Congratulations, Trent. You sound solid. You sound clear, and strong, and you are a stellar example to your children now that you are done with being cheated-on.
I'm sorry you had to go through all of this. The pain is obvious.
One thing I would like to say is, your writing style is fantastic. Your comment read as if you were sitting right here, speaking to me. Since you're so articulate and expressive, may I suggest that you blog or hub about your experiences? It's a great way to get it all out, and I bet there are alot of people that would benefit from hearing first hand what you've endured. I for one, would read your blog.
Trent on May 26, 2010:
Last year, my wife began several online “friendships” with a number of guys. She would spend all day and all night (at times until 2 or 3 am) chatting online. She would even non-stop chat with these losers when we would take family trips to the store, out to eat, and even at places like the zoo or the local water park. The whole time, of course, she denied all wrongdoing and claimed they were “friends” and made me feel like shit for even accusing her. Meanwhile, all she could do is whine about how “depressed” she was. She neglected me, our house, our kids….EVERYTHING !!! I became both the mom and dad of the house.
In August, she wanted to go off on a short vacation by herself to “find herself”. So, she used family money to supposedly go to the beach to be alone with her thoughts. You know the story from here…of course she ran off to screw some loser she met online. He had no car, no cell phone, and lived with mom and dad. Great choice. Also, was 10 years younger than her (he was 22).
She came back and admitted to me that he was “the one” for her. She plastered it all over her myspace page how great he was and they posted photos of them kissing for all of her family to see. She later left me and the kids again (she left out of state) to go move in and play house with this loser. A few weeks later, I get a call saying that she made a mistake. He didn’t want to get a real job. He was flirting online with lots of other women. (Gee…is that a surprise). So I fly out of town to get her and drive back home with her. She promised me that she would work on herself, but “couldn’t promise that this wouldn’t happen again”. I went along with it, feeling that maybe some of the “depression” was to blame for this.
Things were better for a few months. But now…she’s distant AGAIN. She whines that she’s trying to find herself AGAIN. She disappears with the computer AGAIN. She neglects her family AGAIN. She does nothing but find fault with me AGAIN. She looks for every excuse to argue AGAIN. I am at my end now and have finally accepted that I cannot fix her. Everyone is lost at some point in their life but NOT everyone uses that as a crutch to do what is wrong. Cheating is not excusable. EVER. I AM NOT THE ISSUE HERE. Cheating to “find yourself” is bullshit. There is no regret from her. She’s even said that she’s not remorseful because the affair taught her a lesson.
Did I mention that she also admitted having unprotected sex with ANOTHER guy while going through her “depression” last year? Unprotected sex with a guy who screws anything that moves. Hence potentially exposing me and her kids to whatever crotch rot she may have brought home from him. Again, I called her out on that at the time, and all she could do is deny, deny, deny and tear me down for accusing her. What if she would have passed on HIV to me?
I am fed up and done with her. I have accepted that I am better off alone and happy than with her and constantly wondering what she is up to. I need to be the anchor and example for my kids. I deserve better. MUCH better.
Mayflowers on May 26, 2010:
I have read all these posts and they are so honest. My husband has had three affairs(only recently found out about the first one), not sex, but full blown love affairs. The last one was 2 years ago and I stayed. You hit a point though that you look at yourself and say I have loved him unconditionally and proven that, but he on the other hand did not love me unconditionally. I compartmentalized the affairs as symptoms to a failing marriage...the 2nd affair says that their is no hope. If after marriage councelling that person cannot choose honesty and respect over lying and disrespecting than there is no hope. Children deserve to have parents that love them, and are good role models. Where there is anomosity in the air children can not fully breath. This does not do them a favour only an injustice.
Taking control of your life and respecting yourself enough to leave takes courage and stength. I have found that but it took me a long time. Here is to a future that holds love and respect for self and others.
Sue on May 24, 2010:
I understand completely what you say about the guilt with your son even though you do not believe in "sticking it out for the kids". I am still married after my husband had a long term on and off again affair with one woman that I know of. We are still married at this point but I'm not feeling very secure or happy at this point and have been contemplating the end of this marriage for a while. My kids love their dad so much and I know how much a divorce will hurt them but I also know how much hurt the affair has caused our family. One selfish decision can cause so much pain. You sound like you are really doing things for yourself and are happy with your life. The only question I think you should ask yourself is if you decide to "try" again, will you lose all that you have gained for yourself? I know that coming back to my husband after our separation I have lost some of the peace I had gained. Honestly when I was away from him I could really put the affair behind me and just keep on going. But that's just me, not necessarily anyone else. Good Luck and I agree that there are no easy answers and it sucks!!!!
Chris98765 on May 24, 2010:
Thanks for this article and these responses. They've been thought provoking. I certainly identify with all of the sentiments expressed in the original post . . . and a lot, lot more.
Here's my situation. I'm a guy in my mid-30's, married for 8.5 years and together with her for 10 years. She's 11 years old than me and divorced once (her first husband had a serious drug addiction); this is my first marriage. We adopted a wonderful boy (at birth) 2.5 years ago.
We've had problems over the years, especially with my depression, which was subsequently correctly diagnosed with bi-polar disorder type 2, which has been the core problem behind my inconsistent career path. We are also both closed and independent people, and we're both working professionals with our own careers.
A year ago in May 2009, at a low point in our marriage (I'd been out of work for nine months; her mother had undergone serious surgery; her father has Alzheimer's and was finally moved into a home; my parents continued to be the disasters they are) she met a guy at a work conference. She was talking about how she'd met a new "friend". He texted her a lot, which was very noticeable because she wasn't much of a texter before.
Talk of him soon ended, but I still noticed texting going on. He lives out of state, but as it happened the following month she already had a business trip planned to his city. I voiced my concerns to her about this "not leading anywhere good", and she reassured me that nothing was going on and he just needed support.
Of course on this trip she ended up having sex with him in her hotel room. When she walked back in the door the following evening from her trip I just knew. I confirmed it by reading her Blackberry and seeing emails that left no doubt.
I told her right away that I could forgive her if she ended the affair and we threw ourselves into fixing our problems. I got us into counseling, but she was a lukewarm participant. I started working out and losing weight, as much to work off nervous energy and to be doing something as anything else. My bi-polar got diagnosed and (thank God!) ended up being very well managed on medication, which greatly leveled off my mood/energy fluctuations.
Meanwhile, however, she continued the affair for months and lied in order to do so, even during periods when we were supposedly trying again to make it work. We separated temporarily and I told her that I was doing this to work on us and that she should not use the separation to further her relationship with this guy- you know the result. She could never sustain the effort over this time to make a run at fixing us, and she continued to express affection for this guy and sustain her relationship with him.
When I filed for divorce four months after discovery, she reacted angrily which I found interesting. We tried again to make it work right at Thanksgiving, but she was feeling overwhelmed by the pressure and couldn't do it. I moved out, right before the Holidays which I still spent almost entirely with her. She supposedly was encouraged by the closeness during the Holidays, but still took the opportunity to go visit him one more time at New Years when I flew with my son to visit my family.
Since January ('til now, May) I've lived completely apart, only rarely doing joint activities with our son, and even more rarely meeting alone with her. I made it clear around mid-February that I had been reduced to zero, and that I just needed to start over. I told her that we could both date and we'd have a don't ask, don't tell policy on that. If we found our way back to each other through that, then fine.
She has supposedly since the New Year known that she wanted to work on us, but she's also used this new freedom to date to make several more trips to see her lover. That doesn't violate the rules, but I have asked her how she could continue to consort with someone who carried with him the stink of an affair that she was supposedly ashamed about. She offers no good answer.
I've gone on some dates but not met anyone special. I did meet a woman at a local business establishment who I've had "no strings attached" sex with (I had thought this was only the stuff of Penthouse Forums), but she truly means nothing to me other than the sex and doesn't confuse any of the issues for me about my long term future.
I've told her I want to complete the divorce, but that has led to a full court press from her to convince me to stay. She's professing guilt and regret for the pain she's caused, and says that she desperately wants to fix us and is "heartbroken" when I've told her I want to complete the divorce.
Even though this is clearly in the Affair #3 category, I continue to feel tremendous guilt about divorcing, especially for my son (though I'm NOT a stick-it-out-for-the-kids person if the relationship is fundamentally dysfunctional).
I'm not a person who has a large group of friends; I have a couple of very close friends (one of whom is out of state; the other of whom is going through his own marital problems; any my family also lives out of state), and acquaintances otherwise, and my wife has always been front and center in my universe. The process of slogging through dating again essentially alone is very daunting.
When I married her, I married for life. I've never cheated on her no matter how badly things have been - our sex life in recent years has not been great, for example. I've not been a great husband in terms of the energy I've put into the relationship, and my uncertain career path has only made things tougher. Whatever else I've done, though, I've never betrayed her or abused her, and her betrayal of me was therefore doubly shocking. She admitted to emotionally giving up on me and our marriage, which is also very jarring.
Things are going well for me, in no small part because of the medication, which helps me to sustain focus and effort in both my job and personal life (it's been a life saver in many ways). I've now got a good job, am now physically fit, and I'm a relatively attractive guy at a good age where I'm still young but also mature and therefore attractive to a lot of women. My dating prospects are pretty good.
My son's also at an age where the separation doesn't seem abnormal to him. He says cheerfully that "I have two homes!" Trying again to make us work and then failing again can only happen with him being more aware, and therefore being more damaged. I never wanted divorce for him, and my wife and I haven't been together for over a decade by accident - we have a lot going for us as partners.
I'm conflicted, and truly don't know whether I can forgive her - I certainly can't forget and I know the innocent, trusting love will forever be gone. The only questions for me are whether something better might grow out of this marital wasteland, and whether it's worth the time, risk and effort to cultivate that.
Being an adult really sucks sometimes. There just aren't any easy answers are there?
Veronica (author) from NY on May 13, 2010:
This goes against what I would normally say to a cheated-upon wife, but I think your situation is different. His guilt, his efforts, his willingness to go to counseling, his constant communication, and his confessing for no reason other than needing to, all coming after what sounds like you guys leapt too far too fast into very serious life altering commitments that you weren't ready for, and all of this just before his boot camp? .... This all really makes me want to say give him a break. I know I know, I always say once a cheater, but I really have a feeling your situation is out of the box of normal.
You must always trust your heart. If you really believe in your heart you can't trust him, you should go with that. But I don't think you believe that. I think, like you're saying, you have feelings that are suspicious, and that is a different thing. If I were you I wouldn't give up on this before he gets back and you give counseling a real honest effort. Then see how you feel.
You haven't said in your comment whether or not you're in love with him still. Or ever. Did the cheating flush out your true feelings? Or did it change them? Your omission here is the only real flag I feel.
Alot of your "all over the place" head is from not being with him every day. If you love him, and if you want the marriage to work, see if you can just wait it out these next several months until he returns. That's my take on your outside-of-the-box situation. But if you know you're not in love with him and don't want this to work, you should follow your heart.
NavyWife on May 13, 2010:
I have been with my husband for six years, married close to four of those years. We married very young, and I became pregnant very early on. He left for boot camp and A school four months after we married. Recently(a month ago) he confessed to having an affair while in A school. I was pregnant, living with his mother at the time. I'm not sure how to feel about the three years he kept this a secret. He says he hid it because our marriage had been rocky, so he felt a confession would lead to me running for the hills. Things have been going great the last year and he felt more and more gulit the better things went. His says the affair started with flirting, and he was intrigued enough by her interest in him that he suggested a hotel room. When she agreed, he went and did the deed.
What makes this hard is that he made his confession mid-deployment, he has been gone since January and isn't due back for several months. I asked for us to seek counseling and he agreed, he calls almost everyday and emails all day.His efforts seem genuine, but I still can't stop feeling suspicious of EVERYTHING. Please let me know if this is normal. Sorry if this was all over the place, my head is all over the place at the moment.
Sue on May 07, 2010:
I wouldn't have asked why you would tell someone's wife if I knew the answer to be honest with you. I've always wondered what that does for the Other Woman because it sure doesn't do anything positive for the wife. I'll be honest with you, my husband's Other Woman walked in my front door, she didn't call. Then she started harassing me with calls and the such...which was all a bit crazy if you ask me. I always just assumed she figured if she got me out of the way then she had her man free and clear...trust me she did not let go right away. My husband and I separated--I initiated the separation, not him, then ended up reconciling a year later. Affairs are painful and messy and they do A LOT of damage. To me, my kids, his family, my family...it's not all healed to this day. So perhaps looking at it from my perspective is not a bad thing if you could. My thought on Married Men having affairs is that they are selfish and they are getting their cake and they eat it too. I don't point my finger in anger at anyone other than my husband because he's an adult and he made a really bad choice. A really hurtful choice. I just wouldn't advise anyone to have an affair since the damage can be so deep and it's lasting unfortunately. But you have to remember, whatever he told you about his marriage, a good deal of it was probably a lie or perhaps in his case, maybe not...but men who are sleeping with another woman, they still go home and sleep with their wives, share secrets and stories with them, play with their kids and lead a "normal" life with family and friends. I know this because mine did. They are lying to their wife, they are lying to the mistress...and most likely they are lying to themselves at some point. Your situation could be different but the fact that the man attacked you is very scary. Personally I'd want to forget everything about him for that one reason. You should read Veronica's other hub "Affairs with Married Men"...it's a good one...
Sharon on May 07, 2010:
I cannot possibly write all the details of being with this guy. It was so much more than an affair. We shared our thoughts, and dreams. We were quite close and the reason for staying with her was the kids. It is very sad to see someone so down and so depressed. I knew him many years before and we dated. So, I do know the workings of their marriage just by the conversations that we shared.
As for SCARY !!!! we met again after my mom passed away. I was distraught and very sad. He took that away, I was a mess and he picked me up. A few months after my dad passed away and he did the same thing. This time promising to watch over me to never let any harm come to me. You see, I have no family members any longer and I was quite close to both parents. So, the SCARY thing to me now is not having a family to watch out for my best interest. Shortly after my father passed and this guy made the promise. He started showing signs of anger. That is SCARY !!!!!! the person I trusted, the person I made my beneficiary was now turning into someone I did not know. You see there is quite a bit more to the story on our closeness.
I got fed up after the three weeks together, a slight torture for me to be honest. For your judging mind... there was no marriage left between them except co existing for the children. She has angry words for him, she is depressed and they have nothing in common except for a house over their head. That's a real great thing for kids to see as they grow up. Two battling parents....
I grew up like that myself and every day prayed they would part so I wouldn't be scared of flying pieces of dishes or burning cigarette butts starting a fire.
This guy let me down by his actions, we were so very close and he shared things with me even his wife did not know. I let him down also by calling her. By the way, it was not to hurt her..and to be honest if I was married, I would not want to stick my head in the sand and just let my husband screw around. I'd be very happy that someone informed me of an affair. Do you have any idea of what diseases are out there ?!?!?!?!?!? I suppose you would not want to know your husband was having an affair ..huh...just live your life in a box and be the good house wife...after all...it's important to you to have someone come home and exist in the house with you... right ?
I was fed up with the abuse and wanted to tell her of the affair and to know if she got attacked as well....
It's funny...... so many people think the mistress should be without feeling..to walk away as if nothing happened, to be cold stone as if she was only a paid whore without feelings. I do think him and I had love and a bonding and I hurt very much since I trusted him to be someone to look out for my best interest since there is no family left for me....but I did not expect an ATTACK.....now that is the SCARY part of the story........ also..do you think it healthy of him to wish her dead in a car accident, so that we could be together ??? and oh please...do you think I called her because I want her HUSBAND ??? I kind of betrayed him at that point..do you think he would come back to me after a betrayl like that anyway ??? so what the heck are you thinking ?
Sue on May 05, 2010:
Here's my first thought when I read what you've written and I am not saying this rudely but what goes on in their marriage isn't your business. That's my first thought. You sitting now and contemplating their relationship is a waste of your time and energy and will get you nowhere (but crazy). He's obviously not going to share the truth of anything with you and it doesn't even sound like he's planning on leaving his "horrible" wife. Secondly, I am wondering if this man complained repetitively about his wife to you and made such derogatory comments and then you spent three weeks with him and he abuses you, in the space of three weeks I am wondering why you even care where he is or what he is doing or what is going on with his wife???? Really? He's probably portraying you as a real pain and mocking you also to his friends and perhaps even his wife...why wouldn't he, he obviously lies. This man sounds like a horrible person. He doesn't sound like anyone you'd want to get into a close relationship with. Also, calling up your MM's spouse really isn't that cool of a thing to do. Did she do something wrong to you? Did she hurt you? Is calling her up a method to get rid of her so you can have her man or just to cause her pain? My thought when reading what you've wrote is to move on, move away, get on with your life, quit thinking about him/them...this situation sounds UNHEALTHY and slightly scary. Just some feedback. Run! Find an unmarried man to get into a relationship with so you don't have to worry about all that other stuff that doesn't really make for a healthy relationship.
Sharon on May 04, 2010:
I was wondering if someone could give me feedback on my thoughts...
If your spouse had an affair and the partner called you to inform you of the affair. I understand how shocking the news is. If you confront your spouse with the information and they lie to you saying it did not happen and yet the evidence was clearly there that it did happen. Would this impact things even further ?? to me it is a double lie whether your spouse was hoping not to harm you further by denying it.
I'm thinking about all that occured during the three weeks I went away with this guy. At one point he told me he just wished that she would die in a car accident so he wouldn't have to deal with it. Then he told me he wanted me dead as well. Then he tells his friend on the way home from the trip that he can't wait to go out drinking because he needs to get out of the house (even before he got home). To be honest, I am glad I did the three weeks with him and got to see how he really is. He really portrayed his wife as a pain and it is a horrible marriage. I heard this for months but to hear him talk to his friends on the phone about her and sometimes laughing and mocking her made me think the relationship was really at the end.
Well, now that I spilled the beans to the wife, he seems to have done a whole turn around. I am out of the picture and he realized what a good wife he had and went begging to be let back in the house. It's total defense now... So, then why complain to everyone about her in the first place ??
I hope I shocked him into shaping up his act with her and maybe I shook her up too. It seems they have been colliding for many years and maybe this will set them straight or realize there is nothing left to work on... just pondering what I started.
Sharon on May 03, 2010:
I hate to say this but I am or was a cheaters partner. I went into the relationship with open expectations. It started by a finding him on one of those sites you can coorespond with each other. A boyfriend from eons ago, his picture posted was him on a boat, no wedding ring either. I asked repeatedly if he was married and had children. After three days he finally said I was persistant and admitted he was lonely and the kids didn't respect him. The typical sad story. I was still getting over the recent loss of my mom that I was closely attached to and he supported me as a terrific friend. Three months later I asked my dad to leave my home to go back to the sad lonely home he kept after my mom passed. I said I needed my own life back (to which I will regret for the end of my life doing) . My dad filled that part of my moms passing and he passed soon after that from a massive stroke. Again, this guy got me through my second worst moment. We interacted and I went with him on a business trip for three weeks. While we were away, he showed anger issues, he held his fists up to me then in the next few days he punched my arm in anger and denied it. The final night he got out of bed and said he loved me so much, he would do anything for me. Don't know why I said (come back to me). With that he jumped up and threw a fit, he came to the bed and put his hands around my throat and began to head butt me and then choke me. His face was blank and there was no negotiation at the onset. This once close friendship, turned into an addictive intimate one turned violent.
I know I must sound stupid and volatile. He had such loving words of how much better I was than his wife and he was truly considering a divorce. She too would call the room he was at with her typical anger and requested a divorce.
I got so fed up with him harming me..I called his wife to ask her if she got hit as well. She did not. They are both meant for each other in their odd ways. I choose to end it because I wanted more and then actually realized there was something not right with him. But, I feel he will always cheat with anyone, he cannot be happy with one individual and I feel that is a character flaw. I was not an angel..but I deserve better myself...
I enjoyed the article and if his wife was smart she should find someone honest and sincere as well
Veronica (author) from NY on March 25, 2010:
May I just say, your written word is very eloquent. You obviously have a knack. If you haven't already, as one writer to another I'd like to encourage you to join Hubpages, or write a blog.
I'd like to read you.
Jen on March 25, 2010:
Thanks Veronica, I will check that out.
Indeed, there should be more to all of us than the cheating, and lying aspect. And this next HUB sound's exactly like what I was dealing with this morning.
I think that there are so many thing's out there that one could read but, it is what catches a person's eye, or what relates, or what speak's to that person, and your's did just that for me, and apparently other's. I also think that when this happen's it is just looking out of the box- if you can make me read it then.... Thanks.. I've just stepped out of the box a little.
Veronica (author) from NY on March 24, 2010:
Thanks for that. It's so important to me to know what things I've put out there work, and how they affect everyone.
Agreeing on what constitutes cheating for you is only one example of all the things you and your partner need to agree on how to handle. I wrote another Hub about negotiating, compromising, accommodating, and agreeing as a partner needs to.
Jen on March 24, 2010:
I just wanted to let you know that your word's have not left my head. Especially when you wrote...(It is important to make sure you and your partner agree as to what constitutes unacceptable behavior. What anyone else thinks should have no baring on what you and your partner agree to together. But it is vital that you and your spouse are on the same page where this is concerned.)
What's funny is this should be so obvious to all of us.
I do not think this happen's too often. I do not think each of us understand that it is possible to be that way with one another.
Thanks for the word's of realism
Jen on March 23, 2010:
I'm sorry... Call me biased... But, Jill? You need a reality check of your own. You are going to write that women who take the men back are pathetic and weak?
Yay! What a "strong" person you are! What a trouper! You made the poor idiot tell his wife just so you could kick him out, because somehow you decided he was not the right man for you? Not the right long term kinda' person for you? HAHAHAHAHA! ummm... contradictions speak loud to me after reading what you wrote.
What? Is your choice a "married" man, because you fail to have any strength whatsoever? Maybe because the "single" men steer clear from you? The desperation from a man who hides everything and always has to hide you, smells desperation all over you.? Your an "easy" target.?
Because you don't care about those twin's... Why should you- they are not your's. Yes, granted this person may be as pathetic as I am willing to admit being in my own relationship, but, you'd better start admitting your own pathetic way's Jill. It will catch up to you, and can on many different level's. yeah, what a messed up family they must be... blablablabla... Must be nice to be blissful in your ignorance...
Sorry about that NOBO- umm, I think after all of this, all of these words that I have dropped and read, in this HUB has made me see one thing for sure... To each his/her own...
You need to lay down the law or she will keep doing it. You need to say NO! You know what you want for a relationship, and you know what is right and what is wrong. If her right's and wrong's are different than your's and you both can not find some common ground- you know; i.e. no chatting to other freaking men/women, no cheating, no having secret's... etc... Then why try? I know it is hard. I know you want to believe. But, if my guy said those thing's were okay, and that they were no big deal, then I would not even bother being with him any longer. I mean of course, you try, you request, you talk, you argue about it, but, in the long run is she not understanding that if you did that to her that she would be hurt as well? I am at the point where when, as he put's it, "I believe" something occur's, I say.. sorry, just trying to remember to forget. You are right we are not machines. How long is long though? I ask myself this everyday. How long can I think this way, how long can I hold it over his head before I break from breaking him. I love this person, I hate to know that we are both tortured by the fact that he messed up, and I chose what I chose- to be with him. He never slept with another, he spoke to other's online, he put himself on a dating site, because he thought I would not forgive him for looking at porn. At the time, we had only been together for 6 mos. I also was wanting freedom, and shunned him many time's when he wanted to be (go out) with me. But, this does not excuse him from making that choice after thing's were okay. It's straight up bullshit. No doubt about it. But, if he was not trying, and if we did not still share passion, and if we did not both lay down the law amongst eachother, then I can say it would have been much easier to leave. I would have seen no point.
There are many reason's why we stay after the lies. What is your reason? Is it a good one? You know? I mean seriously it hurt's to be betrayed. But, we are not the only one's out there. I mean I bet that girl Jill up there is betrayed all of the time and has no idea. It is not so easy to shrug off when you have a heart, when you've invested time and thought into this person, when you have endured loving them through horrible time's not just about lying and cheating, when you've shared kid's, a whole freaking life.... yes, it is hard. What can each one of us handle individually?
Sometime's it is right there infront of you and you do not see it. Bad or good... grab it, do what you need to do to survive without hurting another.
I am not the only one in this relationship who is jealous. I did not care to or want to, but, I put myself on a stupid dating site, and sent him my confirmation email. Needless to say, he did not like this. I told him that he could either take it all back miraculously, not be with me, or the falsly threatened, why don't we have an "open" relationship then? Well, he could not obviously take it all back, and he did not want a choice of an open relationship either. Not sure what I would have done if he answered yes to that last one. Possibly think about the deliverance of pain, or actually inflict it...
Not that I suggest any of this because as I have maintained-to each his own. He had to and still has to with my unforgiveness- make a choice too. Can he live without me? Can he be a trusting person?
The one thing I feel should not be taken day to day is her want for conversation's with these guy's. Nope. uhuh. HELL NO!!! Guess you can do it too???. If it does not matter to her then she does not have your best interest at heart (obviously).
You are not an asshole for still not forgiving her. Maybe you are to her because of it- which is very possible but- it takes time. If she has not stopped the "wants" then- when does the repairing begin? No matter what she say's listen to your heart. It has to be right for the both of you. If it were turned she would hate it. She would! Anybody would.
We, actually he is mostly reading books about how to trust after this, how to let go of hate, how to forgive and let go, how to see what she is doing to you, and your family. I never thought the book's I'd be reading would be about any of this. Be prepared to feel like a victim as you begin to read. I was so mad and thought it was stupid because I did not want to face reality, I still have an issue with it. I still can not bring myself to read certain books. As if my anger stemmed from the fact that I am so pissed that this is such a huge issue that books are being written by the second about the damn subject! It is heart wrenching to know I am a part of it. That the thing's I read and that he has read are exact in nature as to what we are doing about it, and how we are acting within it. What I don't want to get to, because of my unforgiveness, is the know how to remedy our argument's and try to move on from this prison. I am reluctant because of my anger, and sadness. Thus, continuing the spiral of hate and getting nowhere but where I have been. Leaving me with the everlasting feeling of despairity, and being victimized... sick.
NOBO on March 23, 2010:
Further to your post, you have summed up how I feel.
Your right, us getting told sorry isn't enough we have been emotionally betrayed.
I'm the same everyday my partner is online, her phone beeps, she says she is meeting a girl friend for coffee you wonder who is it another guy, guy from before.
Why are we still here they have apologised, said it would never happen again, Ive been told I need to trust her again.
We are not machines, we take time, I know 3 months on, I still don't trust her, still can't believe she would cheat on not just me but our marriage and kids.
I can never forgive her for making feel bad, like an asshole, depressed, I'm told now she is the victim because of me, as I can't forget or forgive.
Her telling me that she still wants to text these guys as friends for general chit chat is unbelievable in my eyes due to the hurt they have all caused.
For me its time to take each day as it comes, knowing at any time it could be the last for us.
Nobo on March 22, 2010:
Following on from the last post, this is hard, my next stage is saying that if you want to keep intouch with these guys well and good, but don't expect our marriage to survive and if your a chosing them over my feelings and hurt its over.
In her mind now she is intouch just sending jokes and general chit chat back and forward, she feels this is OK and I need to learn to trust her.
Am In the wrong, I don't think so, am I wrong to ask her to choose my feelings over theirs, I don't think so either, it does break me for the sake of our kids and future, has anyone in the forum had the same problems\issues ????
Veronica (author) from NY on March 16, 2010:
I hope this is really you, since this comment came from a different IP address than the first comment.
Most normal healthy trustworthy people can enter into a partnership with a set of agreed-upon boundaries as to what constitutes behaviors that are unacceptable to their partner. What makes one person uncomfortable may be fine for a different person.
In your case, your wife is untrustworthy. She snuck around and did things she knew were not ok with you. She lied, she hid things, she proved she isn't a partner. She apologized but did it again. Now you're saying she's making a big effort but she's still texting and emailing these guys? Really? It's painfully obvious she is not making any effort at all. She wants to engage in this behavior that is ending her marriage, and she wants that much much more than she wants you, or she would make a real effort and stop it.
I have no idea why you would hesitate to give that ultimatum, but more importantly i have no idea why you would even entertain trying to make it work with someone who so clearly and blatantly has no respect for you. Staying together for the kids is really lame. Like you said, your personality will change and not in a good way. And all you're teaching your kids is that if your partner lies and shits on you, that's fine, just stick it out. You aren't setting any kind of role model example for them.