Helpful Vocabulary Hints And The Reason This Hub Is Titled As It Is
Filipinos are all people from the Philippines or living in the Philippines. Filipino is first of all a term that has no gender. A male is a Filipino and a female is a Filipino as well.
The term Filipino is then divided into gender based versions. A male is a Filipino. A female is a Filipina. Notice the "a" on the end of the word. Think of a letter "a" as a softer letter than an "o".
Here's where it gets weird but you must memorize this. A female from the Philippines is a FIlipina but she is also a Filipino (the non-gender version of that word). A male from the Philippines is a Filipino because he's male but he's also a Filipino because of the non-gender version of the word.
Two more words that have been coined and are used frequently, especially in recent generations, are Pinoy and Pinay. A Pinoy is a man from the Philippines. A Pinay (remember the soft "a" letter) is a female from the Philippines. At one time these two words were somewhat resented and distasteful because there were words assigned to people of the Philippines by foreigners. Recent generations either don't know that or don't care and the use of Pinay and Pinoy have become very common among the people of the Philippines.
Personally I prefer to use Filipino and Filipina to give everyone maximum respect but it may be overkill to do so because many don't really care one way or the other.
By the way, your Filipina wife is also your Asawa, which is the word for spouse or wife.
Filipina Wives Rock
Hello! I assume you are searching for a great wife and you're sick and tired of "Women's Lib" and the power struggle that men experience with U.S. women in general. When I got divorced from my American order-barking, criticizing, bullying, cheating, domineering, controlling, nagging, bossy, miserable excuse for a wife of 30 years, I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I realized I had been in a constant state of minor depression for the last 25 years.
When you are in a state of depression, you don't realize you are. But when it's gone and you feel what it's like to be without it - you either become a bit scared of the large change in your life and try to get the depression-causing situation to return (possibly rejoining the X) or you feel energetic like you could climb Mt. Everest, run a marathon, or even just breath deeply any time you want without being criticized for doing so.
"Old School" Values Are Still Prominent - Elsewhere In The World
I didn't want to go out into the singles "meat market" in hopes of meeting someone. I had a constant flow of women through my retail store and that allowed me to candidly view a literal parade of what's out there. Out of the thousands I met and talked to in a platonic (neutral) way, I only found maybe two out of thousands that I would even ask out for a dinner date. Even those two were not "in sync" with what I wanted for a life companion. So that led me to a logical conclusion that I could spend the rest of my adult life until my last dying breath still looking for Mrs. Right or as some say my "soul mate" in our U.S. dating market.
It's not that I'm set in my ways and incapable of change or compromise. It's actually the opposite. I was, and am, willing to modify myself in most ways (except my core moral principles) to please my soul mate. I'm peaceful, compatible, easy to talk to, compassionate, helpful, teachable, loving, and affectionate. I don't drink or smoke, I read a lot, I am wise in business founding and management, I'm into common hobbies that don't keep me away from home a lot. But every American woman I met in my store and in public places (I play in a rock band on weekends) was looking for thrills, adventure, excitement, new experiences, parties, getting drunk, getting high, getting expensive gifts they choose, and expecting me to be everything that I'm not.
To be perfectly honest, my mindset is from the era of the "Leave It To Beaver" television show. Ward Cleaver went to work in the family's one car (that was paid for in cash by the way) to make the family income and June stayed home most of the time - making sure their domicile was as perfect as possible for her loyal Ward - the love of her life and the one she would spend her life with. There was no talk of "You need to take me out to have lots of exciting fun or I'm going out dancing with my friends." There was no talk of "I don't know what happened. He danced with me and because I had been smoking pot with my friends I was too weak to resist. I'm so sorry I slept with him every afternoon for the last 4 months while you were at work. By the way, it's your boss." June Cleaver would use a cleaver on herself rather than cheat on Ward - or even let a thought of cheating on him enter her brain.
Ward had proper manners and thanked her for things she did and complimented things he noticed that were changed at home. She felt appreciated and fulfilled by pleasing her husband and him saying so. She wasn't set on pleasing herself first and everybody else loses out. June Cleaver didn't suffer suppression, lack of self-worth, starvation for fun and excitement, or chronic depression. She was secure financially with her faithful husband and they didn't fret over debts because they didn't have any except a home mortgage. She was included in every family activity, could do volunteer work if she wanted to, could hang out for the afternoon with neighborhood married friends, or just enjoy life in the home she decorated before the kids and Ward came home. She didn't look at her home as a prison to escape from because all the fun and excitement were somewhere else. She didn't think her husband was a controlling bastard who was out having all the fun and progressing as a productive member of society at her expense while she rotted in a prison of his making. She saw all the things she had and enjoyed as a nice life to be proud of and her family was most important. She knew that being a mother of well-raised children is as productive as you can possibly be.
The Cleaver kids got along quite well, did their homework, got good grades, didn't talk back to adults, respected their teachers, dressed nicely to be socially acceptable, seldom got in trouble but were punished at home when they did, and they had dinner with their parents each evening. They struggled to please their parents.
Yes, it was just a TV show but it also represented, in a completely purified and sterilized way, what most of society in the U.S. was actually doing at the time. I was a product of this generation as are all my friends.
The Negative Effects Of Greedy Advertising On U.S. Culture
I'm not insane enough to think the U.S. could ever go back to the ways of the 1950s and 1960s but there were a lot of morally proper and decent actions and reactions that have gone to hell in today's generation.
Our westernized civilization following TV campaigns like, "If it feels good - just do it" have created a path of degradation that has worsened dramatically over the last 30 years. I blame the "me" generation of the 1980s for starting this, advertising agencies for encouraging and acting out extremes of social degradation and shear stupidity in movies and on TV to push the envelope of sanity and boost sales, and MTV for doing everything it could to homogenize our teen and preteen generations into dumbed-down herds of immoral sheep being led to intellectual and social slaughter.
I saw a documentary a few years back about how advertising agencies have been going to great extent to add sexual attraction to things as simple as food, soap, and cosmetics. They've been pounding us with ads a bazillion times a day on TV.
Ad agencies have been perfecting their techniques since the early 1960s. They smear on a layer of "lack of self-worth and self-esteem" for the viewer that can supposedly be reversed if they buy the product being sold. This builds a society of zombies who march directly to the store to buy the product without even knowing why. The brand name is imprinted in their brains. Unfortunately it also builds an audience who begins to think that the spectacular and absurd lifestyles and actions in advertising campaigns are reality. A few examples:
- A girl wraps her long hair around something on the side of a building and pulls it down.
- A guy drinks Mountain Dew and does impossible moves on a skateboard that you'd more likely see in Mission Impossible or Transporter movies.
- An old lady or an old man outplaying professional basketball players.
- Betty White is tackled in the mud during a football game with teenage guys when she's in her late eighties.
The creators of these commercials think they are funny and create excitement as they cleverly sell product. Corporate officers agree the commercials create something different than competitors and okay the campaigns. The ads are funny to those who are aware they aren't reality - but younger generations don't have the common sense yet to comprehend reality from danger. You don't tackle an 88 year old woman or drink Mountain Dew and try skateboard tricks that can kill you if you aren't wearing a helmet. I recently saw a YouTube video of cell phones positioned in a circle and when they all rang together popcorn kernels in the center of the circle popped. This re-created a worldwide scare that cell phones create so much RF signal that they overheat the ear and side of your head and then cause cancer. It was actually an irresponsible fake manipulation of the video with trick editing. Cell phones cannot pop popcorn after all. The CEO of the blue-tooth device manufacturing company who used this advertising campaign was interviewed and never once felt or expressed remorse or regret for scaring possibly millions of people in an attempt to sell his crap product. Disgusting greed...
A number of years back several football players went out and laid on the striped center lane of a highway to do what they had seen in a movie to build tolerance of fear. Some of them were killed and others were crippled for life - all because an irresponsible movie producer, director, and other responsible parties who made the movie thought it was cool and exciting.
Irresponsibility, immorality, lack of caring about what is happening to viewers, and a desire to make society more liberal and spend more liberally is now corrupting foreign countries where satellite and cable carry American channels - just like what happened to the U.S. The worst fake Hollywood images of life in the western hemisphere are violating the rest of the world now because of global satellite feeds and ruining their morality and common sense too. The Philippines is one of the countries slowly being corrupted.
U.S. Sexual Morals Are Permanently Down The Toilet
I'm old enough to remember that girls in my large school system basically remained chaste and clung tightly to their "virtue" until they found the guy they wanted to marry and many times until after they married. A few exceptions, who were well known to hormone-poisoned boys, would "put out" but they weren't the girls that you "took home to Momma." They were quite popular with the boys, of course, and were all nicknamed "slut."
Today most, not just a few, American girls are eager to lose their virginity as soon as their
hormones kick in - and they do so with hardly a second thought, guilt, or remorse. Eleven
year old girls are caught giving oral sex to several 13 year old boys
at the same time so the boys will "like her." Although this is labeled a "christian" country claiming to have "morals," girls are just not taught that virginity and virtue are sacred and can't be replaced when they're wasted on recreational sex.
The ratio of U.S. virgins to non-virgins was about 100 to 1 in my rural school system in the 1960s and 1970s (when my brother went through the same school system). Today I'm sure it's completely reversed with probably 100 non-virgins to 1 virgin. The majority of American girls 40 years ago had plans for their lives - either go to college to get a good job and then get married to someone they loved - or graduate from high school and get married to someone they loved who had a good job to support their new family. No female with a life plan wanted her plan to fail by accidentally getting pregnant because of brief recreational sex so they remained virtuous which made them prime candidates socially to marry men who were also prime candidates socially. Prime male candidates were those who were morally and socially upstanding, went to college or got a good job straight out of high school, possibly served in the military instead, and knew how to "woo" a woman with actual romance.
Today's prime U.S. male candidates for relationships and/or marriage are those who make big bucks and spend all they make plus charge up even more expenditures, drive the coolest car, have the most toys and games, carry an I-Phone, have the loudest car stereo, ride the most expensive Harley or fastest crotch-rocket without a helmet, wear the most "bling" even if it's fake, cause the most problems in life, reject fitting into society by getting tats on their heads and necks, and talk the best talk in Ebonics slang. Fifty year old men are walking around with sideways hats, sagging pants with their butt cracks showing, and trying to look like MTV to be "cool" with generations they aren't part of.
Today's prime U.S. female candidates are the ones who have butts that move like two puppies fighting to get out of a paper bag when they walk around in their pajama pants, have breasts hanging mostly out of their blouses, wear piercings and tats, and talk with an Ebonics slang whether they are the correct ethnic group to have it or not. Sixty year old women are wearing whacked out hair styles and colors, getting large tattoos on their breasts, lower back, hips, and calves to try to fit in with their MTV daughters and grand daughters - generations they don't belong to.
There have always been party girls looking for the next shot of Jack and/or the next guy to bed but it was a minority and not a majority. Does this mean that I believe girls/women should not have fun and they should always buckle down and put nose to the grindstone? NO!!!
But there's much more to life that is fun other than getting drunk, getting several tattoos or piercings, and getting laid. That's where parental protection from predators, adult conversation with one's child, and a life plan thought-out during pre-teen years should occur but in the U.S. that is no longer the case. Kids are on their own. They clone the worst and lowest-level that society has to offer so those who promote being part of the worst become wealthy and move themselves out of the wasteland.
Filipina Morals Are On The Downslide But They're Still Mostly Good
Most (not all) females in the Philippines have life plans of faithful lifelong marriage and having children with one husband very much like women and girls in the U.S. used to have in the 1950s and 1960s. This is partially because their country is 90% Roman Catholic. Old style strict European Roman Catholic too - not the watered down kind we have in the U.S.
I acquired a child-raising training brochure distributed to the general public by the Philippine government in the mid-1990s and it's practically word-for-word what you would have heard from the Roman Catholic Church in the 1940s and 1950s. That brochure proved that the moral fiber of their society isn't destroyed - yet.
But worldwide satellite TV shows from the U.S., American manufacturers of consumer products, American produced TV commercials, American-based magazines, and other media that cause young generations to obsessively crave what they don't have at the moment are slowly starting to eat away at their good and replace it with decay. The only protection they have against total decadence that we are plagued with here is the fact that the Philippines is basically a Third World country still in its Agricultural Era. A large portion of the people don't have access to the vile stench of finely-honed American advertiser's pressure techniques that will eventually change their society for the worse - and forever.
Guilt, family shame, parental rejection of pregnant daughters, fatherless children being adopted out, and much of the same attitudes we had in the U.S. 40 years ago still stand as normal in the Philippines. Whether their life plans come together or not is determined by how hard they believe their dreams can come true, luck in finding a job to pay the costs of making their dreams come true, and how much work they put into finding a good stable marriage candidate while remaining moral and family oriented.
The U.S. as a society in general has moved away from morals controlling one's actions and guilt when one acts immorally. The statistics on pregnant teenagers in the U.S. (as young as 12 years old) are staggering and continue to rise. There is no divorce allowed in the Philippines but divorce is 1 out of 2 marriages in the U.S.
Because of having life plans and morals in place from their pre-teen years most girls in the Philippines are taught to please their parents, never consider activities that could shame the family, remain moral and upstanding so everyone in the area knows they are "good girls", fear the wrath of their angry fathers, dress appropriately so as to not appear to be a "loose girl," and have an overall "straight-laced" life until they find a good candidate for a husband.
They work for very low wages as housekeepers or whatever they can get (equal to $10 to $20 a month) to make enough to go to high school - because one pays for high school there. Completing high school is crucially important to social image there. Fiipinas know they won't amount to anything or get anywhere in life without graduating from high school. Many Americans have forgotten that.
I've also learned that they think American men won't want them unless they have a high school degree and that American men will want them more because they have a college degree. They become "working students" to make enough for tuition, room and board near the high school which is far away from their home, go to class whether they're exhaused or not, and spend hours doing homework after they get done with their job responsibilities. The best students do all of this with ambition and hope for the future that they can get a good job - to do their duty and help support their families.
College is out of the question for many Filipinas because of economic conditions but some students work their brains out to just barely survive and make it through college. They don't go on drinking binges until they hurl, stay out all night with friends, have frat parties, go to class drunk or any of the debauchery that goes on in U.S. universities. Their parents don't and can't pay upward of $160,000 to pay university expenses for each of their children. Students from the U.S. couldn't possibly endure what Filipino university students go through to graduate - including being close to starvation and total exhaustion from too much work and not enough sleep.
Survival Of The Fittest
What I'm saying is that most children, teenagers, college students, and adult single women in the Philippines must work hard and fight for their survival. Their survival is based on family sacrifice, supporting each other with self-sacrifice, and even 14 year old children going out into the world to live and work but still sharing at least 50% of their income with their immediate family "back home" and not keeping it for their own enjoyment. A family member who gets sick with a potentially fatal disease like malaria may choose to die instead of harm the family unit by putting the family into huge debt.
If you want to call their family-oriented attitude "behind the times" or "uninformed" go ahead. But men from the U.S. and other countries are flying in droves to the Philippines to find loyal, committed, easy to please, submissive (not subservient), shy, non-aggressive, mostly quiet (but still with opinions and feelings to express) wives who are perfect mates willing to put great effort into marital success - if the man doesn't abuse her willingness to be everything for him that he ever wanted out of marriage.
What U.S. Women Are Striving to Be Today
Women Many U.S. Men Prefer Instead
What Do I Look For? How Do I Find A Good Candidate?
Just like in any other country, finding your Filipina fiancée and eventual wife in the Philippines can be tricky. You can easily get conned and ripped off. Your search is just like dating in person but you must rely on Internet communication mostly because you have no choice - unless you are rich enough to go 10,000 miles away and live there for several months. I'm not rich so it was necessary to define a set of characteristics that sort the good from the maybes and the maybes from the bad. I somehow accomplished this without getting stung because I very carefully thought out my preferred set of characteristics before I started looking for candidates.
You have to consider many factors before selecting what kind of Filipina girlfriend you are looking for. You need to set your parameters (characteristics you are looking for) and stick with them. You might have to read 500 profiles but you will finally settle on about two dozen who fit your preferred characteristics list. That's not to say there aren't others on the site who are just as good for you or who would work out just fine. But you have no choice in the dating website world. You must select a few very feasible candidates carefully. My characteristics that I chose to search for were:
- No smokers - not even occasionally - implies the individual bows to peer pressure.
- No drinkers - not even casually - implies the individual bows to peer pressure.
- No Muslims or Atheists - some form of Christian only - compatibility with my beliefs and moral code. Catholic acceptable but preferred Protestant.
- No children - I wanted to start my own family not take on someone else's. This is up to you but I felt this could be a woman desperate to support her child(ren) after being dumped by an irresponsible boyfriend, which is not wrong. In that situation she's not necessarily choosy about who the supporter is. I didn't want a desperate spouse who would eagerly accept just any man from any country with enough money to solve her dilemma.
- Singles only - there is no divorce in the Philippines (annulment is possible for rich people like senators, actors or TV celebrities but not for commoners). You can't get a visa to leave the country and marry a U.S. foreigner unless you are single and can prove it. So there's no reason to consider married or separated women as candidates for engagement or marriage although they list themselves online anyway.
- Family oriented - preferably still living with their parents and siblings or at least with a sibling because of the family needing her financial support. This typically means family is more important in their minds than independence. This is true of women who are looking to support their kids too but I still had to abide by #4 concerning children. Some men don't care if the woman has children and I applaud them for their courage in taking on that responsibility.
- Decent and moral - shy and not portraying themselves as sex objects in their profile pictures. Those trying to be overly sexy are more likely to be shallow gold diggers trying to get out of the country by "selling" themselves to lusty foreigners or tricking the lusty foreigners into sending them money regularly.
- Smiling and genuinely friendly - I prefer non-studio photos and not stiff posed portraits to see what the candidate's persona truly is. Some girls use web cam photos of themselves, some use shots taken by family members at their homes or at scenic sites. I like those better than portraits done in a studio with borrowed premium dresses and jewelry. I want to see candidates in their basic form - not "gussied" up to be something they aren't.
Additionally, I preferred to only accept -
- A candidate who was at least 10 years younger than myself. I realized that most couples I know who have been happily married for many years had at least a 10 year age difference. Not all - but most.
- A girl or woman who is far more beautiful than I could possibly ever have in America. I'm not ugly or disfigured but according to the standards of American women I am too tall, too fat, too old, too poor, too basic, lacking catalog model appearance, I don't drive a brand new sports car, and I otherwise don't match a list of absurd characteristics that is far, far too narrow. Movies, TV, models, and magazine ads tell beautiful women in the U.S. what they should have in a man (money primarily) and to not accept any less. They supposedly deserve it because of their beauty. Thus a lot of these women end up with shallow worthless relationships with the most handsome rich men but neither of them are happy and cheat on each other. Filipinas don't think they are beautiful because they typically don't like their dark skin, black hair, and short pug noses - all of which are almost identical to most other females in their country - so they don't believe they deserve the best looking most handsome man because of inherent beauty. The good girls just want to be taken care of at some level above poverty and loved eternally by men who are enjoyable to be with, laugh with, and love selflessly. The man's looks are secondary to his inner self and attitude about life although Filipinas aren't going to accept a complete hog or dog as a husband so you need to be the best you can be for them just like you would for any other woman. The Philippines is a literal ocean of gorgeous women to choose from - but you will only succeed in getting a good one for your wife if they have the inner beauty to match their outer beauty. Fortunately there are a lot of those as well.
- Someone who mentioned in their profile that they are looking for love, family, children, marriage, and faithfulness for THEMSELVES and a willingness to give same in return. That's very different than giving a list of what they'll provide and not saying they want or need it themselves. A list of what they will give is more likely to be a list copied from someone else.
- Someone who mentioned being God-fearing or looking for a God-fearing man. That doesn't mean I was looking for a religious fanatic or missionary. It just implies she has morals, decency, and virtue because of her upbringing. She's looking for someone who will treat her with respect and won't hurt her because he has morals and decency too.
- Someone from the countryside (known as the 'province' there) - possibly with a farming background - who had some city experience but did not have a lot of extra time to watch MTV and U.S. television shows on satellite and clone the worst characteristics of U.S. women while thinking that's the way U.S. men like women to be. My best candidates would be westernized to a point by having slight contact with city retail stores, malls, magazines, books, and localized TV while visiting friends or family but not "ruined" by the media that has "ruined" women in the U.S. (this is my opinion and the opinion of every man I've met who has an Asian wife).
My Search Began And Ended Quickly!
factors in mind (write yourself a list if need be) I started my search.
It's a little embarrassing to admit but for me the search had
to start first with the photos on the profiles. The justification is "I
have to wake up and see this woman every morning without makeup on and
I don't want to ever think about what I would change about her. I want
to wake up daily and thank God for letting me have this gorgeous human
being as my wife." I personally wake up in the morning and look at my
adorable wife sleeping and I'm stunned at how beautiful she is.
I started by selecting the most beautiful women (in my opinion) from the approximately 300 photos on the website I chose to use. That reduced 300+ profiles down to about 40 saved to my "favorites" list. That was an exhausting session so I quit for the night.
The next night after work I was refreshed and recognized my vision had been blurred by being tired the night before. I had picked about 10 who weren't in the same league as the other 30. Of those remaining 30 my eyes kept going back to one who was standing in a hallway made of gloss painted plywood with her arms outstretched to her sides with hands raised as though she was saying to the viewer, "Hello! I want one special man to contact me because I have love "this big" to give the right man who will become my husband forever."
That may not have been her intent but the photo came across that
way. She had beautiful long black hair down to her butt, the biggest
sweetest smile I'd ever seen, and a modest blue chiffon blouse over a
white T-shirt and white shorts. I couldn't help but look at her
adorable face and find that I liked every single feature of it. I felt
comfortable with that small Asian face immediately. I had favorites
saved with equal beauty but her persona came through her facial
expression and that's what attracted me like a magnet to steel.
Then I eliminated all "favorites" who smoked or drank. Again that's your preference but it's not something I wanted in a spouse. Next I eliminated those who had children. Then those who were Muslim or said "religion: none." When those factors were taken into consideration there were only about 10 to 12 candidates left. The angel in blue chiffon was still in top place.
I clicked on her profile once again and everything she said about her ultimate candidate for marriage was exactly what I wanted in my ultimate candidate for marriage as well. I printed her picture and studied it over and over again. There's something about reading or seeing something on paper compared to a computer screen that is entirely different. Her smile was addictive. Her face was pleasing to me and I knew she was a natural beauty without the need for makeup. I found out later that she had been in two minor beauty pageants in the Philippines. Would I ever have a chance with a U.S. beauty pageant contestant? Not in a million years!
She was my one final choice and I wrote to her with hope that she would write back and I wouldn't have to start my search over again. She was as perfect and moral and conservative as I had hoped for and today we have been happily married for over three years. Our love has deepened as we have "learned" each others' ways, we are more attached than ever, we are more comfortable with each other than ever, and we both know we made the perfect choice in each other. We've never had a fight other than some misunderstandings about cultural differences back in the beginning. Those weren't even fights but just some hurt feelings for a couple days. We kid and joke around a lot. We have the same goals for our life together and now we have a baby boy who is two months old and growing like a tree.
HELPFUL HINT: DON'T pick your candidates by:
- Oh my God, look at those breasts/legs/hips,
- Oh my God, look at that sexy pose. I can just picture myself in bed with her.
- Oh my God, look at the way she's dressed. That's soooo hot.
- Oh my God, look at that hair and the way she wears it.
- I can barely wait to get her in bed.
This just isn't good selection and you'll be the loser if you go in this direction. If you're looking for sex with long black haired, small bodied, hot, sexy women, just go to the Philippines, Thailand, Vietnam or any other Asian country and buy the services of some hookers until you wear yourself out. You can have any size or shape of hooker you want for less than $20 two or three times a day for a week and fly home exhausted after spending about $400 on women, $200 on a motel room for a week, and $1200 on a round trip ticket.
DO NOT pick a wife to
spend your life with by thinking of her as an object or slave instead
of a human person equal to yourself. She IS a human being and equal to
you in every way - possibly even morally better and smarter than you.
For example, my wife speaks two very different Philippine languages
that have no words in common and speaks English quite well. She can
also understand a bit of Spanish although not much.
ABSOLUTELY DO NOT pick a wife to bring here based on sex and
looks only. Appearance is only a fraction of the characteristics you
should choose her with. You would be choosing with lust only (as they
say, being led around by your smaller head) and you will get conned and
suckered, ripped off, and dumped before you even know what hit you.
Many of the hot Filipinas are becoming aware that they have a beautiful
commodity to sell because they get a bazillion e-mails from crude
foreigners who talk dirty to them. They hone their con job skills and
trickery until they can create a nice full-time income from duping
foreigners with lies and false stories.
If you find a good, honest, moral girl to bring here but choose her
for sexuality and appearance only, you will have betrayed her trust,
violated her heart, ruined her for another better man than yourself,
and hurt her deeply because she came here with the best of intentions
of loving you completely and being loved completely for life. If you
chose her by appearance only you will likely treat her like a pretty
toy, a pretty house maid, or an inanimate sex doll to play with and
that's just not right to do that to her. She is a thinking, feeling,
loving human being deserving of being treated like one.
CHOOSING WRONG CAN GET YOU RIPPED OFF, DUPED, CONNED, AND BETRAYED
I haven't been wasting my typing fingers telling you about a careful process of choosing a marriage candidate so you can just jump out there and pick the first cute girl you see on a dating website. You MUST be careful when choosing because, just like in the U.S., women in the Philippines don't all have the exact same mindset. Some are evil but seem to be good. Some are sex maniacs pretending to be virgins or say they only had one boyfriend long ago that she slept with once but have actually been with many. Some are living on the streets while pretending to live at home with a family you will never see because they don't exist. Some have children while pretending they don't. Some are in college paying tuition costs with your money while not really interested in marriage or engagement. Some are ugly but use pictures of beautiful women in their profiles until it's time to use Instant Messenger with you and suddenly they vanish. There are even some who are male transgenders and transvestites who pretend to be female until you can see them on Instant Messenger or in person and find out their secret.
There are plenty of con artist women who:
looking for an American no matter who it is. America is considered the
"land of milk and honey" where they're sure they will find success and
money not available in their country. All Filipina women in the
dating-for-marriage market are looking for support from their husband
but there's a big difference between a gold digger with no
conscious about taking advantage of the situation and the "good girl"
candidate with strong family values wanting to make sure she isn't
going to come over here to the U.S. and live in abject poverty and
misery. You need to know whether getting to America is your candidate's
prime motivator or whether she actually loves you. If she's obsessed
with American products, American TV, American movie stars, and you are
repeatedly asked questions about American life and product availability
of stuff they saw in magazines, that's not a good sign. If she's money
and possessions obsessed she may leave you at the end of two years when
she gets her permanent residence in the U.S. and has a job to support
- Are looking for ANY foreigner no matter what
country he is from. Again it's your job to find out if leaving their
country is your candidate's prime motivator or whether she actually
loves you. If she doesn't love you first and foremost, she will not be
a good wife, and may leave you when she gets her permanent residence in
two years and has her own job to support herself - or a new man with a
higher income who will.
- Are looking for one or more foreign cash cows to support her family without actually committing to marriage with any of them. She may be using phone loads that you bought to talk to other men in other countries and have them send her money too, or to her far away friends. She may be using money you send her for everyday needs to buy Internet time and cell phone loads for talking to other men, using your money to buy new clothes to impress or meet other men, and using your money for partying and going to discos (yes, they still have disco fever) with Filipina friends to meet Filipino guys.
one or more foreigner financial supporters on hold for as long as
possible by moving very slowly, or not at all, to get police reports,
passport pictures, birth certificates, etc. so they can stretch out how
long their foreigner(s) send(s) money. With several foreigners sending
money she can make a better-than-full-time income, support her whole
family, build a savings account, buy one or more houses, wear all new
clothes, etc. She is actively selling her beauty online to make an
income without working.
- Get engaged to a foreigner and move
slowly on getting documents for visa paperwork, continue dating
Filipinos, get pregnant and have a baby or two, use foreigner's money
to support the baby (which she might claim is his) and her boyfriend,
build a new house, and then cut off the engagement to the foreigner
suddenly for no obvious reason so she can marry the Filipino instead.
And...then sell the engagement ring the foreigner bought for her too...
- Have a Filipino husband already and they work as a team to milk foreigners out of as much money as possible until they find out or suspicion what's going on and then she cuts off contact. They know foreigners can't do anything about it because there is no law enforcement concerning shafting foreigners who use matchmaker sites.
Some signs that you have picked one of these women are:
- She uses sexy talk, sexy clothing, and other sexual innuendos (flirtations) to keep your heart and other parts throbbing with excitement so you'll eagerly send more money.
- She uses illness or a need for doctor visits and medication as a way to get more money out of you although she was just fine a few days earlier (and actually still is).
- She mentions regularly that she is running short on daily expense money although the amount of money you are sending is 10X more than what was needed for the lifestyle she was living before you met her. If a family in her region of the Philippines exists on approximately $150 a month (and you can find this out from Google sources if you want to) and you have sent her $500 a month for several months, and she's saying that's not enough - it's because she is pushing the envelope to get the most she can before you catch on. I know a guy who sent a Filipina a little over $30,000 in one year although living expenses where she lived only required less than $2,000 a year. I'm sure she's living in a brand new luxury home in a gated community with a swimming pool and all the food and money she could ever need - plus probably has another sucker hooked now to continue bringing in even more money.
- You catch her in several minor lies about her life in emails, during phone calls, and on Instant Messenger. If she's willing to tell you a bunch of small lies, she's also willing to tell you big ones.
- If you confront her about a discrepancy concerning something she said to you and she gets overly angry as a front because she has no real explanation that she can think of quickly.
- You can't get any detailed information
about her family, her life, her childhood, her adult years, etc. which
are small details she doesn't want to spend time on. She's keeping it a
surface relationship so she doesn't have to remember who she said what
If you have a potential candidate who fits these criteria or any combination of these, you better be careful, investigate what's going on, ask questions, and consider starting over with a different candidate. I can't even count how many horror stories I've heard but yet there are more testimonials of success. Don't let your ego, or lack of self-esteem, or fear of losing the best looking woman you've ever had a chance to connect with get in the way. If you connected with a hot Filipina candidate once, you can do it again with one who is honest, reliable, and not using you for everything you have.
A BRILLIANT WAY OF TESTING WHETHER YOU HAVE A CON ARTIST OR A REAL POTENTIAL CANDIDATE ON THE LINE
I was on a conversation board named Topix recently and found an excellent idea for testing a contact you have made to see if she's a con artist without her knowing you did so. Someone wrote in and said he had met a wonderful potential Filipina candidate who seemed perfect and she talked of falling in love with him and how she would just adore and worship him in their marriage and a lot of other positive things that seemed too good to be true. He wondered why a beautiful young single girl would be interest in him - a divorced American guy in his early 50s with three children under the age of 10 - the key being his three kids that he felt would normally detract from the attractiveness of himself as a potential husband. Someone suggested the following litmus test:
Setup a Yahoo or AOL e-mail account in a different name, different city and state, different age, different online name, and vastly different profile - even with a different picture. This is very easy to do and nobody can verify whether you're telling the truth or not. Introduce yourself to the same Filipina on the same dating service she is using. Talk to her as a potential candidate as though you are someone new and completely different (avoid using any cliché comments or phrases that you typically use in conversation). If she takes the bait and starts saying the same "falling in love" "adore you" "worship you" and other positives or sexy comments - you've found a con artist who is repeating the same things to you and possibly many others and doesn't mean a word of it.
I think this is a brilliant test strategy and I'm surprised at myself that I didn't think of it before. I depended on dumb luck or providence to guide me to the right potential candidate and I hit on my perfect choice quickly without getting stung.
After thinking about it, I also realized that con artist Filipinas are shielding THEMSELVES from this test strategy when they say "call me at 063+xxx+xxxx" and I'll tell you more. I finally understand why there are so many dating site participants who want you to call them before they'll have a conversation. It's con artists avoiding getting caught in their con by being conned in reverse.
If you wanted to test and catch a con artist in the manner I described above you wouldn't be able to hide your voice as a different person in phone calls unless you had someone else make the call for you, on their phone from a different state, to pretend they are your alter ego. It's not likely that you will go to that much effort and they know this.
A SHOCKING REVELATIONS MY WIFE RECENTLY TOLD ME ABOUT
In direct contrast to our needing to be careful about the females who want to use and trick us, I have learned that the girls in the Philippines also have to endure perverted foreigners with web cams who want to use and trick them. I suppose there are some Filipinas who enjoy it but there are millions who are innocently looking for a good man to have conversation with and possibly a quality relationship and they DON'T enjoy what I'm about to tell you.
It's apparently common that men will contact cute girls of any age, talk to them on web cam for a few minutes, then ask if she'll get naked for him. Any self-respecting Filipina female worthy of dating, engaging, and marrying would never do such a thing for anyone unless it's her Fiancée who has already met her and spent time with her. These sick men are obviously not looking for marriage. They and their actions are a vile insult to those of us who treat Filipinas with respect. Never focus on sex, sexuality, undressing, or any of that kind of thing if you plan on finding a good girl to marry and bring to the U.S.
The very worst is the foreign web cam pervert who chats with the girl for a few minutes, stands up without pants on and sticks his genitalia in the cam and may even masturbate slowly to erection. This is totally inappropriate to do to ANY Filipina unless she's just online to get a sexual thrill and implies or says so. My wife and both of her sisters were vulgarized by men who did this to them by surprise.
Worse yet, my wife's younger sister was only 15 at the time and had never seen a man's genitalia. She shrieked in horror and turned the computer monitor off as quickly as possible. I suspect she may have even had nightmares about it for a while. This activity is no different than a perv exposing himself to teenage girls on the street. Unfortunately there's no way to jail them when they're on the international Internet. How repulsive can a male be?
Proud To Be In America
Where Do I Look To Find My Special Mate?
After checking out opinions of friends, bloggers, and reviewers on the large variety of websites available for meeting Filipina girls from the Phiippines, I settled on two of the biggest and best -
I only viewed those two back and forth briefly until I settled on the one that interest me the most - www.filipinacupid.com which has sister sites for eligible female candidates from other countries as well. I can't really describe why FilipinaHeart (FilipinaCupid) interested me most. Maybe it was divine guidance... I actually believe divine guidance was involved because the outcome of my search couldn't have possibly been any better and the direction my life has taken since we married is all positive and full of love and hope for a great future.
Yet I've heard good things about CherryBlossoms and there are many successful relationship and marriage testimonials on their website to prove that everlasting relationships CAN and DO start on dating websites.
My Sweet Filipina
What Comes Next?
Many months of conversation and learning about each other. You will email with her - hopefully daily. Save them all and her replies to you - you will want to print out some to send to governments during the visa application process.
You will Instant Messenger (IM) with her live - hopefully daily. Save all of those as well. IM has drop down menus at the top of the box to customize it. Look for a menu choice that allows you to "archive" all conversations. After archiving them (saving them to your hard drive) you can print them out if you need to - again for the visa application process.
You will talk to her on some form of phone - cell phones are very common there but cost you a fortune for long conversations originating in the Philippines. If you call her cell phone from the U.S. - you can do so for 17.9 cents per minute and she isn't charged for incoming calls on her cell. If she calls you she gets charged a lot per minute, you'll have to "reload" her phone regularly and that could be upwards of several hundred dollars per month.
Yahoo has an IM phone system where both of you use microphones and headphones of your computer and it's absolutely free. Skype has a similar system that is free as well if you use Skype on both your and her computers so you are Skype-to-Skype communicating. That may not be possibly if she's on a public computer at an Internet Cafe because Skype software must be installed on both computers.
There is a new device called MagicJack which plugs into a USB port of any PC computer. They are now available at Radio Shack, WalMart, Target and many more chain stores. It is $39.95 but includes a year of $19.95 PER YEAR service for free. This is an incredible deal.
If you buy two MagicJack units ($80 total plus tax), assign them two phone numbers in your own U.S. area code, attach one to your computer and a wired phone, send one to her so she can attach it and a wired phone to a USB port of a PC computer over there, you have instant free phone service between the two MagicJack units for as long as you want to talk - every day. The MagicJacks think they are both in your home area code but are transmitting over the Internet for 10,000 miles to and from the Philippines. It works...
After 6 months of getting to know each other through these various means of communication, you will have a candidate who has proven herself to be willing to spend the time to build a relationship and has been willing to wait until you both feel comfortable with each other before meeting in person. You don't want to go to her country to visit her until you are fairly sure she's the one. That's an expensive proposition with a round trip and expenses being $1800 to $2500 to visit her for a week to 10 days.
You can't know she's "the one" until you have built a platonic friend-based relationship on the Internet and she is faithful to you during that time. If she's in too much of a hurry and can't wait to get to know you, she's probably in a hurry to get out of there with anybody and that's her main concern. It's also a sign that she could be communicating with other guys who are moving faster than you are. If that's her desire, then you aren't the one she should get. Remember... this is the most important choice you have made in your life. Follow the rules and make the choice well or you will suffer the consequences.
You then will spend a lot of time in the air... flying to the Philippines to visit her. The flight there is however long it takes to get you to the West Coast, then to Japan, then to the Philippines. It's approximately 20 to 23 hours total flying time from anywhere in the U.S. - each way. You are going to hate airplanes when this is over because of the length of time you are sitting cramped in a small plane seat.
I recommend staying at least a week. If you have more time, use it there so you have time to bond with her - or have time to learn that you don't feel a bond occurring. This decision to marry her or not marry her is a life changing event and you must know everything you can about her before making the decision. She wants to know everything about you that she can so she can make her decision as well. The longer she has to spend with you, the more she'll be confident you are a good choice.
Rooms in the Philippines are cheap (think $20 to $25 in the south for a nice resort bungalow but as much as $90 in Manila if you want a 4 or 5 star hotel near the airport) and food is cheap as well (think less than $8 to $10 for two of you in most cases for a sit down dinner). A flight there and back is quite expensive though. So you will spend at least $1800 and could feasibly spend upwards of $3000.
So let's make the trip worthwhile.
What To Do and Not Do While In The Philippines
After you have gotten to know your prime candidate for several months (I recommend at least 6 months) you (will desperately want and) need to meet her in person and spend time together.
ONE THING TO DEFINITELY NOT DO
Some guys try to play it safe and maximize their worldwide travel dollars by getting to know two or three candidates for several months and then visit them all while in the Philippines. I don't recommend this for several reasons:
- How do you get on a plane to leave the country after visiting each one if you aren't leaving the country? Don't you think they'll wonder why you didn't contact them a day or so later about how much you miss them now that you're back home? Starting a relationship with lying to your candidate is wrong.
- You can't and won't let yourself hand your full emotional package over to any one of them until you've spent time with all of them. That's unfair to them. Each will feel that you are being coy or uncommitted with her and may also react accordingly in a non-positive non-committal way by remaining shy with you. You won't bond emotionally and spiritually with any and none will not commit to you completely because you aren't letting go of your emotions with them.
- If they're naïve enough to feel your relationship deserves taking the extra step while you are lying and planning to see other girls, the candidate may sleep with you after a few days when she becomes comfortable enough that you are a good man and not an axe murderer. She will be doing her part to create a bond with you that you are not committing to. It's completely unfair for you to sleep with two or three or more candidates while they are thinking that giving you their bodies is a bonding activity to cement your relationship while you are not bonding or committing. This is a huge lie in the midst of starting a lifelong relationship that is supposed to be pure and void of lies. You will also be tempted to, and probably will, pick one of the candidates based upon how well she performed in bed. That's also not fair to any of them. As a matter of fact, you might wonder why she's so good in bed if that's the case. If one or more of your candidates are virgins you will have taken the most precious possession they were saving for their future husbands. You will be leaving them violated with nothing sacred to give the real man who wants to marry her later - as well as leaving her emotionally damaged. She won't understand why when she was doing the best she could to be what you want, and giving her all to create a love bond with you, she was dumped instead. This is very wrong. Only immoral hormone-poisoned two-legged dogs in heat do this to a trusting human being.
- You will likely head back home at the end with no commitment to anyone, no preparations made for a visa application with anyone, and experience nothing more than several female companions on a long tropical vacation. If you choose the first one you met, you won't go see the others and they will be hurt. If you choose the second one after sleeping with the first one, the first one will be hurt because you dumped them for no reason they could control. And the ones after the second will be hurt. If you choose the third, the first two will forever wonder what they did wrong after committing themselves to you and being dumped. None of this is fair to these nice human beings who trusted you.
Don't do it...
SOME THINGS YOU SHOULD DO
If you go to the Philippines to meet one candidate who totally interests you like I and most men looking for a wife did, not only do you need to test the "chemistry" between you and see if the strong friendship you have built online and on the phone has the potential for romantic love but the Philippine and U.S. government require that you spend time together and have pictures to prove it. This is to assure you actually have a personal relationship with physical contact and have not "purchased" a "mailorder bride" you never met from an illegal organization (yes they still do exist although most governments are trying to stamp them out).
So make sure you have a digital camera with you (preferably one that can date stamp the photos taken) and that you have nice bystanders (not-nice ones will steal your camera and run), her friends, or her relatives take digital shots of:
- You and your potential fiancée in recognizable places of her country. If there is a well known cultural center, nature park, shopping mall, or zoo, have someone take several shots of the two of you with arms around each other in front of the sign at the front gate or door of that place. Take some shots of both of you doing things in that location. Maybe something funny like standing next to a statue as if it was real. Or you standing near a monkey cage making a face like you are a monkey. Have a good time with your girl and make her laugh. It's easy for an American to make a Filipina laugh because we have such different facial expressions than they do. if you're a humorous guy you can amuse a Filipina for a long time with surprise facial expressions. A Filipina is looking for a husband who can make her laugh! Take some candid shots of her laughing and enjoying herself. Don't use a KFC or Pizza Hut as your backdrop, for example, because those are everywhere in the Philippines but also everywhere in the U.S. and other countries. They are not recognizable landmarks for government purposes.
- You and your potential fiancée with her immediate family. That should be family shots with both of you in it. This proves to the two governments that you have the blessing of her family to marry their daughter/sister. If your potential fiancée is old enough that her family is dismantled and located in far away places, at least get some shots of the two of you with her elderly parents or her brother or her sister if you can.
- You and your now fiancée (probably with other family members) together at the airport when you must leave to return to the U.S.
When you book your flight and hotel rooms, you will more than likely want to get a room for yourself and a second room for her and her chaperon(s). This really doesn't cost much in the Philippines to be proper. The chaperon may be her sister, cousin, mother, best friend, or other female or a brother, father, or uncle.
Remember, they don't know for sure if you are a fake and maybe only came there to rape and kill her or if you are a nice guy actually there to marry her. After the first day or two the chaperon(s) may bow out and go home because they actually have other things to do. You can then cancel the second room they were staying in with your candidate and she can move into your room with you. But ask her if that's alright first. She will either enthusiastically agree or not. Her moving into your room doesn't assure you are going to have sex with her but it's one step closer to a growing intimate relationship. On the other hand, her chaperon(s) may stay and keep a close eye on her so her "virtue" remains intact until you take her to the U.S. That's less often the case today though it still does happen. Before you go to the Philippines you can ask her about if she'd like to have you get a room for her and the chaperon(s) or not. Always been courteous about these things. Courtesy goes a long way. Don't let her whole family come to the hotel and eat 24 hours a day on your tab (some families will!) but limit the number of chaperons to no more than two or three.
Your candidate will want several people to meet you so that they can confer about their opinions of you and whether you are good enough for her. They almost always conclude that you are good enough and will tell her so. The conclusion will not typically be based on weight, height, handsomeness, or age. It will be based more on your personality, your kindness, your generosity, your demeanor, and your happiness to meet them. They want to be family to you. What you are inside is far more important than what you are outside. You can be wheelchair bound and the family may think you are wonderful if you have what it takes in your heart and she wants to be with you. After family and friend approval she can then feel good that she made a good choice and continue getting closer to you.
If you show up with tattoos all over you, a ponytail, and a grizzly three-day beard while talking loud, obnoxious, and using profanity they may feel you aren't what they were hoping for and tell her so. It's a westernized country so they know our profanity. You may also not impress her either if you don't clean up your act. What goes over as cool in this country is precisely the look of a prisoner incarcerated for a violent crime in their country. Personally, I flew into the international airport in Manila and had a layover of several hours. I had been in the air and a layover in L.A. for more than 20 hours so I paid for a night a local motel near the airport and took a long shower, shaved, and put on new clothes for about an hour to look and smell my best when I got to my potential candidate in Mindanao.
By the way, some Filipinas absolutely refuse to date or get engaged to a man with tattoos so you better be honest with her and show them to her on web cam while you are still at home and not reveal them after you are there because she might just reject you on the spot and your trip costs will be wasted.
Try to act like you're going for a job interview. Dress nicely for your first visual impression to be a good one. If you typically wear a pony tail, dreads, or a long beard, your candidate knows that from your web cam sessions but it's very different when you meet in person. Don't scare everybody in her family and her with these. Trim your beard to a short executive length. Cut your hair to a professional style and lose the pony tail. Clean shave the bare parts of your face and drop the Don Johnson grizzly thing.
You can grow your grizzly stuff back when you get home so it's not like you are losing your persona permanently. Try to look as close to what people 10,000 miles away have been shown on TV and in magazines that a clean-cut American man looks like. It is NOT beneficial for you to look like a wrinkled pig with sagging pants and smelly sweat stains 8-inches in diameter in your armpits, stringy wet-with-sweat shoulder length hair flopping around, and a grizzly face that looks like their typical homeless street bum.
My wife's aunt met her American candidate at the airport for the first time long before the web cam era. He came out with uncut hair, a grizzly face, a shaggy beard, and dirty clothes. He works in gravel excavation work and his everyday appearance was simply a hard working dust-covered grizzly man's man look driving a rusty old car to and from the work site. He didn't know any better than to stay pretty much that way when going to the Philippines.
When she met him she was shocked. She didn't taxi him to her family's home; she took him directly to a barber, a clothing store, and to a hotel to clean up and change. Luckily she was not a young hottie but a mature woman so she took him under her wing and mothered him into better appearance and actions so he could meet her family. She knew her family would look dis-favorably on what he represented as he got off the plane although he is a good man, became a good father, and has always been a good provider. He made probably $60,000 a year at the time which was as much as her family would make in 30 years but he just didn't come across as a good choice. They wouldn't be able to get past his lack of personal pride and see the good inside him and she knew that.
Remember, most of the Philippines is typically 75 degrees at night and 90 to 100 degrees in the daytime with very high humidity and strong sunlight. Tropical to the max. Unless you are from a southern U.S. state or Hawaii where you have this weather all the time, you are going to be suffering for your whole visit with weather you may only endure for a day or two in the U.S. during our summers and you hide in air conditioning when it happens.
While you are in the Philippines you will definitely want to visit her family at their home (even if some of them chaperoned the two of you in the beginning:
- Have lunch with them - spending most of the day until you must get back to your hotel before dark (highly suggested) - or staying with them for the night until the next day. Buy some or all of the lunch for them and splurge on a roasted pig called a "lechon" pig. They will adore you for buying a lechon pig for them. Buy too much food and drink and let them keep all the extra food and drink. That shows your generosity.
- Be proper and if she is young enough to have parents ask her father to let you marry her - if you have decided she is who you want to spend the rest of your life with. That shows your respect for her parents.
- Take small U.S.-made gifts worth about $10 each for every member of her immediate family in your luggage. A $10 gift is MAJOR in most of their country except the big cities like Manila or Cebu City where people have larger incomes than the people in the countryside (the province). Find out from your candidate what her family members do for hobby or what they need. Some examples are solar or wind up wrist watches that don't need batteries for many years, South American or North American cigars, perfume, Avon products, American chocolate candies that won't melt easily (I took M&M's personally) and such other things. If your candidate lives in the "province" (farm country away from any major city) make sure you have something like a bag of 50 lollipops for about 30 - 40 neighborhood and family kids that you can take to your luncheon. You are American and may be considered a spectacular example of a strange species in their locale. If you are a white American you are even more spectacular and kids will stare at you and try to touch your skin like you're a Chinese Panda in an American zoo. Handing children who don't ever get candy a small souvenir like a lollipop will make you very, very popular in your candidate's neighborhood and they will talk about you for months after you're gone. This shows your desire to share your "milk and honey" American culture with them.
- Smile and be happy with them a lot. Don't complain about or criticize anything in their country (except maybe the heat and humidity because they'll think it's funny that you can barely withstand it) because they are a very proud people who don't want to be thought of as anything but your equal. NEVER talk down to anybody. You may live well on $100,000 a year here but they can live just as well relatively on $10,000 a year there. Even if you are sitting in their bamboo shack with a thatched grass roof, they have pride in the fact that they own a home or farm while others don't. I've heard comments like, "My dog has a better house to live in than her family." and if you have that opinion you better keep it to yourself forever because of the damage you could do to your relationship with a wife who is very devoted to her family back home. You will cause yourself hell if you speak anything of that nature - ever.
- Sing Karaoke with the family if they ask. Whether you are good or not, it's a rite of passage and makes you closer to them. Virtually every family with electricity in their home has a Karaoke rig of some kind even if they don't have a refrigerator. Or a neighbor with electricity has a Karaoke system that you will end up singing on.
- If you want, you could ask her to marry you and give her an engagement ring while you are with the family. I planned on doing that but I knew my wife was the one for me within an hour after I met her, so I jumped the gun and we got engaged 9 hours after we met and visited her family 3 days later. I still asked her father to allow me to marry her though because it was proper.
By the end of your trip to the Philippines you should:
- Be familiar with her immediate family members if there are any,
- Have received their approval that you may be a good spouse for their daughter/sister/granddaughter,
- Be engaged to your candidate with a ring on her finger,
- Have grown an unmistakable romantic love relationship that you both feel intensely,
- Spent most of every day together from the moment you got there until the moment you leave,
- Slept together, at least platonically (without sex), to bond and learn if there is chemistry between you,
Possibly made love which should be the ultimate bond as a loving couple. If she was a virgin she has given you the most precious gift she had to give and has chosen you as her lifetime partner forever. Don't disappoint her!
- Taken plenty of pictures of the both of you together in familiar places, with family, etc.
- Had four passport pictures taken of her by a photography shop so that you can take them home with you.
- Gotten a copy of her birth certificate for the forms you must fill out and send to Homeland Security when you get home.
- Be absolutely positive this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with and she is absolutely positive you are the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with.
Feel horrible as you get on the airplane bound for the U.S. because you must leave her behind and probably not see her again for more than 5 months. That used to be up to a year but the governments are getting faster about processing (and more expensive too) so it is much shorter now. Personally, my wife and I sat and clung to each other and both of us cried and looked into each others eyes in a taxi for an hour and a half (her distant cousin owned the taxi and nicely let us sit in the AC to stay cool while he went somewhere else). We had become inseparable and getting on the plane to go to the U.S. was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. She cried for an hour on the bus back to her hometown and my eyes were moist for the whole trip back to the U.S. and I felt like my world had collapsed on me for several weeks after I got back.
SOME MORE THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO
- DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GET MARRIED TO HER WHILE YOU ARE THERE! If you do this you are sentencing your girl and yourself to more than a year of solitude because immigrating a wife is MUCH harder and takes MUCH longer than a fiancee. I have a friend who's religious beliefs made him feel he couldn't have sex with a fiancée so he married her. It took him almost TWO years to get her into the U.S. He went back to the Philippines and visited her for a couple weeks twice more before he made a fourth trip to get her and bring her home to the U.S. That was the most miserable 2 years he ever spent in his life. She was miserable too. AND he spend more than $8500 on air fares mostly for himself and a one-way trip for her. If you want to bring her to the U.S. then marry her, wait until she has permission to travel outside the country, then return to the Philippines to officially marry her there too, that's fine. But DO NOT marry her before she has immigrated into the U.S.
- Don't leave her wondering what the outcome of your time together was. She needs comfort and security in knowing that you didn't just come to her country and use her. She will naturally think that she'll never see you again because she has heard rumors about girls that got duped and used. You MUST tell her you love her many times while you are there. Do not try to hold in your feelings, restrict your expression of feelings, or pretend to not care because you will ruin everything you came to accomplish.
- Don't visit her for less than a week during the first time. You need at least a week to bond. If you can't go for a week right now, plan for a time when you can go for a week. She wants to know you a lot and time is the way to get to know each other a lot.
- Don't be a braggart. If you work at WalMart for mimum wage, you have 10 times as much income as most Filipinas are accustomed to. If you make $100,000 a year they can't really comprehend it so don't brag about your financial status. Their Peso to Dollar ratio makes it hard for Filipinas to comprehend American Dollars and the dollar's buying power here in the U.S.
- Don't be a pervert and try to get her into bed on the first day or within hours of getting there. She wants to be treated as a person, as a human being, and as a friend. Then she'll enjoy being a really good friend, then romantic partner, and intimate romantic partner in stages. Coming out of the shower and dropping your towel in front of her while she's still holding her purse and watching TV is not the good-mannered method.
- Don't leave the country without giving her an engagement ring. It doesn't have to be $3000 but it should be a nice one that she is proud of and can show her friends and family. Remember our Dollar to her Peso is very different. A $600 ring in this country is 30,000 Pesos in her country and that's a major ring. A nice Filipina is not the gold digger of the U.S. that you are accustomed to who demands the most popular jewelry store with the biggest name brand, highest carat rating, and highest price. This is a girl who has never experienced a piece of jewelry worth more than $25 to $40 and a $500 to $600 diamond ring is a major piece for her.
- Don't leave unless you have established touching, holding hands, kissing, and other such intimacy. She needs to be able to remember your smell, your feel, your facial skin, your aftershave, your hair texture, your eyes and eye contact with her, your skin color, your everything. Whether you make love is between the two of you (let her decide - don't force the issue) but don't just do it for recreation. Do it slowly and gently to express love to her and make sure she's receiving pleasure. If you don't know how to do anything but simulate an air hammer in bed, get some books and learn how to be sensitive, loving, tactile, sensual, and giving before going to meet your candidate. She won't be addicted to Mr. Power Drill but she'll be addicted to sensitivity and passion and want more from you.
- Don't antagonize anyone of authority. They'll jail you just to get money out of you. A high percentage of police officers are corrupt and will fleece you if given the chance. They'll even overcharge or fleece their own countrymen because they have a position of power to do so.
- Don't dress in known brand names like Nike, Adidas, Abercrombe & Finch, or any U.S. team jacket, hat, or shirt. Don't wear an expensive watch or excessive jewelry. Don't draw attention to yourself with huge laughter, acting the clown, or other exaggerated movements while in public places that people turn their heads to see.
Don't flash money around. If you take $800 with you, convert half to Pesos and stash the other half away for later. Not in a hotel safe where employees have the combination or keys. Not in an obvious place like a refrigerator or your main suitcase. Personally I bought a strong leather money belt to wear inside the waistband of my pants. Even after you have half your money converted to Pesos, don't carry all of those Pesos in your pocket either. Stash most of the Peso money in your hiding place or money belt. Carry something like 3000 to 3500 Pesos most of the time. Trust your new girlfriend to carry 3000 to 3500 Pesos as well. If you get pick-pocketed or drop it, you will only have lost about $60 or so. Have your fiancée do all the talking and price negotiations for you with taxi drivers, store owners, fruit and vegetable market operators, restaurants, etc. Service providers will definitely try to rip you off because they know you don't understand their money well enough. I had taxi drivers try to charge me 10X the amount of fare that it should have been. I waited until my wife-to-be got there and she handled them.
Don't give coins to beggars or begging children. It's a sad situation but if you do it for one you will suddenly be surrounded with a circle of them all begging and pleading. Most Filipinos ignore the beggars and carry on with life. I wish I could spend millions of dollars to help Filipino kids living on the street but I don't have it.
- Don't ride buses, bicycles, tricycles, motorcycles, trike motorcycles, Jeepney truck taxis, or other small vehicles for transportation. When possible, use a car taxi with air conditioning and try to plan your day so you can keep using the same car and driver for the whole day if you can. They're glad to have one customers pay them for multiple hours instead of having to find a lot of Filipino customers who don't have much money to go very far.
- Don't drink tap water anywhere except in a large city and even then you might consider not drinking it. They have different parasites and bacteria in their water than we do. So what doesn't bother them could make you deathly sick. Virtually every grocery store and even some large drug stores sell bottled water. Get yourself a couple gallons and stay healthy until you get back. This includes ice cubes in cold drinks. They are made from the city water.
- Don't promise your girl something and then not do it or not get it for her. Always fulfill every promise you make - maybe even to excess.
- Don't leave the big cities and the main roads unless you get excitement from endangering yourself. Terrorists in the southern part of the Philippines regularly hijack buses, take hostages, steal jewelry from bus passengers, bomb the bus, shoot people just for fun, and other such things. That's not to say all parts of the Philippines are dangerous but you are a foreigner and must be careful where you don't know the territory.
- Don't go to the Philippines during a national election. That's when faction groups, Muslim terrorists, and other wackos do things like kidnapping of foreigners, setting off bombs in shopping malls, and much more.
- Take a bottle of mosquito repellent or Avon Skin So Soft in your luggage (not your carry-on) to escape any possibility of getting Malaria or Dengue Fever which are common in the "province" or as we say "out in the country." You can either get immunizations before you go or if you plan on staying indoors most of the time you aren't required to do so by either government.
Your Trip Is Over And You Are Back Home
So... that was quite an adventure. Your back is worn out from sitting in that damned plane seat with a metal frame not covered with foam rubber well enough for another 20+ hours. Unless you took noise canceling headphones you'll be partially deaf for a week or so. You've lost weight because you're so in love you forgot to eat sometimes and you were afraid of some of the things you were offered to eat the rest of the time.
You've got a stack of 4X6 prints of your beautiful fiancée that you look at many times a day. You show her pix to your friends and family with excitement. I sat a picture of my sweetheart on a chair next to my bed so I'd wake up to see her smiling face looking at me each day.
You have to go back to your normal life for a while before she can come to be with you but it's not the same now. There's a big void in your life. What used to be fun in your U.S. life now seems not so much fun anymore. You are ready to introduce her to your best friends but you can only show them pictures and try to describe her personality. You want to hear her voice in your ear but you can only hear it on the phone or computer. You remember the smell of her hair and that makes you eager to smell it again as soon as possible. If you took video of her talking to the camera you watch it over and over trying to re-live those moments in your mind for a short time and it works just enough to keep you sane until she gets here.
Your next step is to fill out all the proper paperwork to send to the U.S. government, add the correct material and pictures they request, send a check with it, and wait..wait..wait until they process paperwork.
If you're worried about doing the paperwork yourself you need the help of an immigration lawyer or immigration organization doing the same work without high lawyer fees. I did all of our paperwork myself but I also do my own income taxes and run businesses because I'm good with details. Some people don't want to get into that or can't handle it and they should use an immigration specialist. They're in your nearby big city phone book. If not, go to an Asian market or Asian grocery or Asian restaurant to ask employees and customers there how you can get hold of your local Filipino Association chapter. Somebody will lead you in the right direction and you'll find an immigration specialist.
You will continue communicating with your sweetheart and you'll now have more to talk about, remember fondly, and discuss. It's a lonely time for a while but the anticipation keeps you excited for the near future that should only be about 5 months away.
I'll get into the next steps of your journey in another hub.
djbuett on September 04, 2015:
you are actually quite right about my "keep those people away from me" comment as being a bad move...I have already gotten in trouble for it....my ace in the hole will always be my sister in law and her side of the family that is totally in my camp...but I have to be wise about it....and use that influence sparingly...I am marrying into the lower tier of the compound to be sure, where the lethargy/sloth is legion, and I think my girl is a bit blind to it, stating that the rest of the compound "misunderstands" her family...the parents have a meat stand...the father has had jobs before and has been unable to get out bed in time to keep them, and the mother has a 3rd grade education and can't speak a lick of english...your stories raise the hair on the back of my neck...breaking into the apartment?...and your NC friend's story is heartbreaking...she sounds like a nice girl, but caught in a trap like that?...I would cut the ties, unplug the phone and internet, but I guess easier said than done...how to vet an entire extended family?..impossible...people without scrupples live everywhere...it just raises its ugly head in a different form over there...cheez...thanks
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on September 02, 2015:
I'm not sure that "warning your girl" to 'keep those people away from me' was s a good tactic. You shouldn't be warning somebody you barely know if you're going to court her and love her, and you really don't know who the greedy ringleader was on this. If it was her mother, you've just split her loyalty to you and her loyalty to her immediate family which is very strong. Our friend in NC knows that her mother is the greed monger amongst the family but she won't reduce her loyalty to family and her mother although she should actually cut them off because she was programmed that way from birth. That's why she spends so much time crying. She doesn't want to displease him but she doesn't want to displease her mother either.
The NC friend's husband wasn't being used before they got married. He was generous like all of us were and gave them gifts, spent money on them while there, stayed in a hotel because their place was a filthy squatters shack but he didn't want to embarrass them, bought them food, etc. Her family was smart enough to wait until they had thrown their daughter to the rich American wolves like the natives strung up a naked virgin for King Kong to consume. They married her off to an American and sunk their hooks in deep.
Your girl's greedy family members weren't willing to wait to start their pillaging of the American and decided to hit you up immediately in case you decided against being with her. Immediate greed gratification rather than the logical waiting to actually receive much more long term. Purely stupid actually.
I know a guy who went over there with his wife to visit a couple years after they got married. He rented a pretty nice house from her cousin at a reasonable rate to live in for a month and it was located near her immediate family. When they got there, they dropped off their luggage and he had whatever driver take them to a grocery. He bought a whole month's worth of food so he wouldn't have to deal with grocery shopping any more during the trip.
They went out the next day to visit family and sites. While they were gone, her immediate family of parents, brothers, sisters, and even cousins (not the one renting the house) went over to the rented house, crawled in all the windows because the doors were locked, got out all the food and ate as much as they could hold, ate out of stuff and left it laying open for the bugs if they didn't lie it, and took everything they could carry out with them. The guy and his wife came home and found this mess. The wife confronted her family and somebody admitted that they did it but didn't think the husband would care because he's a rich "Joe" (slang from WWII soldiers that is still used there to label Americans) and could go buy more. Total assumption, greedy opportunists who saw a sucker, and they made him mad at them and untrusting forever.
He went and got a bunch of hasp latches and padlocks to put on the wooden kitchen cabinets, a chain to go around the refrigerator and through the handle, and devised a way to jam the windows shut so they couldn't break in again. He re-bought one week's worth of groceries 3 times during the rest of the month and locked them up so the family couldn't do that to him again. Now that's really taking it too far but I wouldn't put that past your girl's mother's family members to be like that too from what you've said.
The other alternative is that they did the SL to you to see what your reaction would be. The reaction of someone who won't give, give, give after marriage or the generous reaction of "oh well, it's family". This may have just been a badly thought out audition-like test of you.
djbuett on September 02, 2015:
Mark..thanks all good stuff....I go back and forth on what I have deemed the SL (stupid lunch)...on the one hand the cats out of the bag and the mother's side of the family is more on the "outs" now than ever. So I have about 20 passionate filipinos (from the father's side) coming to my defense, including my stateside sister in law who cut them a new one over the incident....and I have already warned my girl: "keep those people away from me"....but then the other side of me thinks...wow, if it is already starting already, how bad will it get once she comes here?....it is all the more reason to chat up all this stuff now....I go back and forth between two ideas...Dave's, who routinely sends $200/mo over there, and my sister in law, who prefers the "special project fund" idea, sending a bit here and there for the new gate, floor, ect....I would say for sure, limits from the get go...she has already admitted that she wants to work here to help her family....but how much of her life is that and how much is it enjoying our marriage is the million dollar question...and she is really behaving herself with that money I left her and I have no reason to doubt her: "hon I want to spend 500p for an unbrella..is it ok?"..hard to disbelieve that kind of sincerity....my question for you and your NC friend is had he vetted all this before he married her and she changed the rules on him or did he just not bother?...hence his current predicament....and it has occurred to me that it hinges on a strength of character that could stave a lot of it off at the pass should she be willing to say something like: "look I am going to the states for a new life for myself...here is what you can expect from me"...and then name the terms. Admittedly she did not do that during the SL aside from try and push the bill back....too young and unsure of herself I'm afraid...I am very generous and happy to help, but as you say, the less they ask for it the easier it is to give...thanks...
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on September 01, 2015:
The editing thing is a HubPages thing I guess. I'm glad that you noticed your girl tried to push the bill back to them. That's a crucial factor. You need to find out who arranged this "at your expense" fiasco no matter how little amount it was. If it was her mother or father, you've got a problem because your girl is going to deem it her responsibility to send them money when she's over here. Her greedy family (clearly greedy but you don't know who is the leader of the greed yet) will come up with every excuse in the book including sickness, required medicines, hospital stays for distant relatives that they can't afford, etc. to milk you dry of as much as you will endure. Some families are like that. They put their pretty girl out there as a trophy and reward to get their claws into you and then use abusive guilt on her to make sure she supports all of them if at all possible. It's not your girl's fault, these families are opportunists who get one hook into you by offering up their daughter as a sacrifice and then drag you in for the kill. This is where getting to know your girl over the next few months is crucial but do it tactfully. You don't want her to think you're a cheapskate who can't take care of her but you need to subtly find out what her view of what happened is and determine if she's telling the truth. She may be throwing herself to the wolves to become the supreme sacrifice to support her family of opportunists or she may feel like a worm who was just put on a hook of her family fishing pole and thrown into this against her will.
Our friend in NC is from a family of 8 kids and two parents. The mother is the greed ringleader of them. The father is a useless alcoholic who doesn't work. Her brothers have all become useless alcoholics, her sisters moved out and work to support themselves somewhere else. But I hear the stories about what her mother does and says to keep FAR too much money streaming in from the U.S. The father and two brothers wanted a boat to go fishing and make a fishing business. Her husband fell for it and bought them a boat. They went out and laid in it drunk a few times, threw it up against the house and don't even bother to use it after the first month. That was several years ago. Three of them wanted bicycles to travel to town easier. They messed with them for a week, threw them in the yard because it was too much work to pedal into town and they couldn't ride bicycles while drunk anyway. Her husband had fallen for that too. Then they started wanting even more expensive stuff like motorcycles, motorcycle taxis, etc. Her husband put his foot down and called them everything foul he could think of to her and she cried for weeks over it. He said, "I give you $400 a month for yourself and if you want to go without the personal stuff you want and give it to them, go ahead, but they're not getting another damned penny out of me above and beyond that."
So she's guilty about being the support hook for her family and sends them her $400 a month although they keep pushing for more and the mother keeps verbally abusing her for not sending enough to make them happy. This is from a family of squatters living on somebody else's land, who live in a metal hut with dirt floors, no plumbing, no electric, and they still want more than $400 a month to spend on frivolous stuff like new fancy dresses, better quality cigarettes, lots of alcohol, and even appliances that they have no electric to operate! The mother has gone so low as to say our friend's maternal grandmother she loves dearly had a heart attack was in a big city hospital and couldn't pay the bill and that she should send some absurd amount of tens of thousands of pesos to pay the bill so the grandmother can continue to recover or she'd probably die. Our friend's husband called that hospital and talked to people who speak English. The grandmother wasn't in that hospital, had never been checked into it, and there was no record of her being treated for anything. He then had his wife call some of her friends who told her that, no, her grandmother was at home as usual. This is pure evil!
So the daughter is tortured, insecure, guilty, and crying a lot by being stuck between her abusive mother and her non-budging husband. She sends every dime of her $400 plus LBC boxes of supplies and stuff from the U.S. but that's not enough for the greedy bastards and the mother abuses her. The LBC gift box weighing 100 pounds arrives over there and her mother calls and yells at her for what's in it and wants to know why she didn't send x, y, and z instead. No appreciation for the gift, just abuse.
Our friend (so beautiful and sweet she melts me whenever I see her in person) calls my wife a lot regularly and tells her the latest stories while crying from heavy guilt until my wife can't hardly stand anymore. But my wife is her only confidant and best friend so she listens and tries to convince her to cut her evil mother off but her guilt wont' let her do any such thing.
It was 100% brazen and crass on somebody's part to start their greed actions on you even before you had decided that the daughter is the one for you. Ignorant in fact. You need to find out who did that and set up the fleecing of the "rich American". And you need to know if your girl is truly sorry and realizes that you aren't going to be feeding a greed monster when she comes here (although you're willing to send them some money to survive if they're very poor like my wife's family) or if she believes it was correct to have that done to you. Be careful in those conversations not to come off as poor and a penny pincher. If the father works and they live well, you don't need to be sending them money at all except for holiday gifts. Send them LBC boxes a couple times a year full of American-style goodies and food. That kind of thing.
This is where your girl and "handsome" must communicate well and clear up all of this long before the concept of marriage and coming here is discussed seriously.
And thus we have the reason I earlier said you must stay clear-headed and not be thinking with your "other" head. She's pretty, she's young, she's boiling over with hormones and she's got yours boiling too, you want her bad (and who wouldn't), she's a dream come true, but your long term relationship is going to be built based on what's inside both of your hearts, minds and souls - how well you match up in views and opinions of things, and whether you're each taking advantage of each other or if you're bonding to become one person with the same will and desires to travel this life together with each other as your trustworthy best friend that defends the relationship against all outside forces that would try to cause dissension between you.
Careful, careful, careful. Dave has a good handle on May's attitude but he hasn't seen her family's attitude in person yet. He needs to be careful, careful, careful in this same way too. In every case, if someone is very poor, lives on the verge of starvation and death regularly, and sees a seemingly bottomless source of money within reach of them they have two options - be a greedy opportunist trying to grab armloads of money out of the source - or be patient and benefit by the gracious generosity of the source of money. My wife's family doesn't try any tricks on her or us. Her mother says she has $50 worth of medicine to buy and she really does. Her mother says they need $50 to buy rice and supplies and she really does. The two daughters living here and their husbands (I'm one of them) have built her and my wife's brother with his wife and two children a concrete house with adobe exterior, put a new chain link fence system with concrete poles around the home for security and animal containment, just put in new ceilings where there weren't any, have put in plumbing and minimal electric systems, tiled the concrete floors, bought furniture, bought a refrigerator, etc. over the last couple years but their own rate. Next the house gets painted a nice color. I'm fortunate to have a nice Filipino family!
djbuett on September 01, 2015:
Mark...don't know why but your editing feature wouldn't allow me to change it...for the record...lunch was 4000p, not 9000p!!
djbuett on September 01, 2015:
Mark...thanks...great advice and nice to see Dave back on if for only briefly...Yes I admit I am intoxicated...who wouldn't when a 21 year old hotty calls me "her handsome". It has occurred to me that I might be being taken for a ride, but I don't think so....if I look at it from my western logical american eyes it is hard to believe...but when I remember everyone over there not even batting an eye over it and the old farts (alot older than me) walking around with their young girls then my doubts lesson...here stateside is another matter, but I have already told my daughter and she is fine with it, but I am a bit worried when she looked at her facebook all she said was " a lot of selfies dad"...we are not selfies people...most Filipinos are..LOL..yes you are right to steer me back to my original plan, which is to start the paperwork after the next trip which will be in January..(with the name Doug I am already getting the references to the infamous MacArthur quote: "I shall return")...and a four month test will be good for us...so far nothing has abated and she has been writing me several times a day on viber or facebook, and we talked on the phone once...a lot can happen in four months, but one week in it looks good...I also gave her 10,000 pesos to put in a bank account, calling it "our money" as a test to see if she can be trusted with it...and so far so good...and just like Dave's girl, she has never asked me for anything...but there is one hair-raising story that happened at the end of my trip that I want to tell you about. Dave knows about it: my last full day there (two weeks) my girls mother's side of the family invited me to lunch..my sister in law (my girls father is her brother) called from the states and tried to put a stop to it, and I was good for whatever..long story short we (my girl, myself and her gay brother) got picked up and taken to the aunts apartment...i noticed straight away that there was no food on the table...next thing you know they are saying "we are all going out" and we are at an expensive bayside restaurant with 12 freeloaders in tow...yup...without a word, yours truly got passed the bill...was only 9000p but the idea of it all was pretty repulsive...I have heard that this stuff happens to most westerners that go over there and spend any length of time...needless to say I quietly paid the bill, got out of there as quickly as I could and unloaded pretty loudly to my girl and her brother....and when we got back to the family compound there was hell to pay...my girl claimed she had no idea we were getting into that situation, and I had remembered that she had tried to pass the bill back to them when it came my way, to which it was immediately returned to me...it was a huge brewhaha and my girl tearfully apologized and all was good but for about 4 hours there I didn't trust her....anyway thought you'd get a kick out of my "taken for a ride" story
DaveinIllinois on August 30, 2015:
Hey Mark..... I'm still going!!!!! I didn't forget about you buddy!!!
Hey Doug.... Nice talking to you Saturday. Good luck with this girl.
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on August 30, 2015:
Don't push too hard and get too eager. Go there in 4 months or so and spend time with her again after you've become familiar with communications for several months. There is a point where, just like any relationship even with an American woman, that you both will feel love and companionship starting to bud when you know more about each others' pasts and have time to be close to each other. Don't let yourself pretend to have that feeling if you don't because you'll regret it. It's too easy to let yourself "lose your mind" as you wrap your hands around the tiny waist of a beautiful young girl and she melts for you in response to your touch. The smell of her hair, the color of her skin, the petite femininity of her will knock you for a loop. Make sure the relationship is right internally because this is for life that we're talking about. She knows better than to pretend to feel it and you'll know if she doesn't. This is important.
You don't have anything to do with the Manila trip (which is for medical testing for a day or two and then an embassy visit several days later) which is one of the last steps of this whole thing before the visa is issued - unless you decide you can afford to go there again when it's time and go with her. We have a friend who did that (he makes about $35,000 a month and can leave his house rental business on auto-pilot for a few weeks any time he wants) but most people I know don't and can't.
There is an order in which these things take place and it's controlled by our government and their government. You must have pictures of you and her together in the Philippines located near a landmark that is recognizable, for example. Those pictures accompany your paperwork to our government to prove you're hugging your special girl in person and not trying to "mailorder" somebody you've never met from an illegal sex slave ring operating out of a foreign country. You have things like birth certificates and other things to accumulate, information about her father and mother, and other stuff that you will read about on our government's website. Take that list of things required along with you when you go.
The process of the paperwork to successfully import her is no harder than doing your own taxes if you follow every rule, list, and instruction to the letter and do what the governments want exactly the way they want it.
Everybody fears government forms and tax forms but it's not necessary to fear - only to be absolutely accurate. If you do, the paperwork flies through the proper channels with no problem. If you adlib on anything it doesn't fit their expectations, it is stopped, and possibly returned to you for starting over. Every halt or lack of smooth sailing and the 6 to 8 months of waiting for it to get done becomes longer and longer by a week or two or maybe a month or two.
It's also good to make many copies of everything you fill out. I usually made 6 copies. You'll find that sometimes they ask for you to submit 3 or 4 copies of something which will go to different departments for review by 3 or 4 people doing 3 or 4 different jobs. Wasted redundancy actually. but it's the government so what do you expect? Some of this has been eliminated because some forms can be done online as Adobe Acrobat PDF pages now instead of sending in 3 or 4 copies. The different departments can print a copy if they want to and that saves you sending a bunch of copies. That also helps speed up the processing so that some Filipinas are coming here in 6 months now instead of 8 to 10 months like it used to be just a few years back. But then you have green card interviews when she's over here where they'll ask you to bring copies of the same exact forms again. A couple extras on hand that you can make more photocopies of are always wise.
In other words, you must stay clear headed in all of this and focus carefully upon your goal, although there is a blur of new and foreign things going on around you, write out lists of what needs to be done in what order, write out a list of what to take over there and what to get while you're there, work with her to think of some visits to local sites like a park, fancy government buildings in downtown, shopping malls, a special nature garden with a big sign out front that tells what it's named, and other places that don't necessarily have to be big expensive hilarious fun but are easily recognizable and lends itself to a relative of hers to take pictures of you two sitting together, or hugging, or playing together in some way, or acting like two kids with crushes on each other smooching with smiles, etc. Take her to places she's never visited but always wanted to so it's fun for her but yet keep in mind that some of it is required for photos so you don't forget.
Don't lose the enjoyment of the time you spend together because you're creating a bond to become stronger and stronger and stronger until she decides you're the one fit to "become her man" permanently. After that, you will return home with a permanent smile frozen on your face that you can't get rid of and you feverishly start the paperwork so you can get her over here for more good lovin' that you desperately hunger for. You won't sleep right, you won't eat right, it will be hard to concentrate with your head swirling, you will be obsessed with her for every moment of your life until she steps off the plane at the international airport near you where you pick her up.
I think Dave will be a good mentor for you because he will have started his paperwork before you, will know what to do and not to do, and you'll have a lot in common to discuss that will help lead you through a potentially confusing but blissful time in your life. When it's all over, you'll wonder to yourself how you ever lived without what you have in your new life together with her. You'll look at her while she sleeps and think, "Oh my god, what did I ever do to deserve an angel like this?"
For now, just stay clear headed and learn everything you can about her as she learns everything she can about you before you go over there again.
djbuett on August 30, 2015:
glad you wrote that about Manila...the required Manila trip is necessary after a lot of paper work is already filled out...I had thought that we would need to go there to start the paperwork...I can have one of her relatives escort her there (she has never been on an airplane)..and I will start the paperwork soon
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on August 30, 2015:
Hi djbuett! Congratulations, you took the first big step! That's the biggest one and it looks like it turned out well for you. A direct family meeting of a candidate from people you know is better than trying to pick one from the general public.
Don't worry about her age but be aware she may change her mind about children later. She's not necessarily thinking in those terms at the point in life but in a few years she may start to feel maternal instincts. If you agreed initially that it wouldn't be the case and it's impossible, but you're treating her well and she feels loved completely, she'll fill the void with something else such as working and focusing on career instead, or caring for other people's kids, etc.
What's most important is that you have a bond with each other that is unbreakable, a really good "best friends" relationship, before it moves into romantic. That's why these 4 months or so of communication between now and when you return are very important. You MUST get to know her as a person, learn how open she is about herself, etc. She wants to trust you and will ask you questions about you and your life. Don't even think about lying, fibbing, or twisting the truth a little. She'll catch you later and lose trust - even if it's just a little bit it will harm the relationship.
I thought Dave was going over toward the end of September. It must have changed again. We haven't talked in over a month. He does Facebook with my wife more than talking to me. He likes to have her opinion and input on things he's planning over there since it's her country and culture.
As for paperwork, once I asked my lovely to marry me and engaged her while I was there, I came home and started the paperwork the very next week. I had already read about the paperwork so I just started filling out what the government requested and had it sent in within 2 weeks. I sent her a copy of the first page of the form to prove I was serious and actually was doing it. Total it took from September to the following early April for the paperwork to go through the U.S. government to the Embassy in Manila, for her to get the papers she needed collected up, and do what she needed to do there before her Embassy visit. After she was approved it took about a month to get her Fiancee Visa delivered to her home by courier. I booked my flight to go back over to get her immediately. I went there the last week of May and we arrived back here in Detroit on June 1st. You must get married within 90 days. I would have gotten married on June 1st if it was me but we had to wait until June 20 because of circumstances of getting everything together.
As for income required, it was $25,000 a year provable with previous year's income taxes or current quarter paystubs if you don't have 3 years of that income to show. There is also a loophole that if you have valuable assets that exceed some pretty high amount that that can qualify you instead. Thus you send in an assets statement that should likely be created by an accountant for you to look official. Today the income requirements might be higher because the official government poverty level has also increased. To be positive go to the government's Customs and Immigration Service website (make sure it's .gov and not a fake site pretending to be the government) and everything about getting a fiancee visa is spelled out in very much detail. Every word you need to know, every form you need to fill out, every specification concernng visa applying and approval is all there and updated regularly. The fees for everything have also increased dramatically since I did ours so I can't even comment on that anymore. I'm sure Dave knows more about it than me now because he is a researching kind of guy and preparing for his soon-to-be applications before he even meets her.
Congrats again. Keep me informed as to how it's going and what stage of your new life that you're in as time goes on!
djbuett on August 29, 2015:
Mark...very big news...I went to Cebu City for two weeks and just got back. My brother and sister in law (Cebuano) were there already when I came and we participated in her nephew's wedding...I got asked to be a part of the wedding party. After a few more days (had been in hotels) came to stay with the family and met my sister in laws niece. we saw each other every day and we are now an item...she is petite, shy, kind and pretty and not only has hardly had a boy friend but has no interest in having kids...she is 21, a bit young, but we hit if off well....so now I am home and we are chatting on social media and I have decided to call once a week. Quietly I have thought that I would go back to officially propose to her in early January. These 4 months would be a test....but I was interested to see how quickly you got started with your paper work upon coming back after seeing your girl...I wonder if I should do the same...I am certain about her, but she is young and could change her mind, though she claims she will not...and the k-1, not the k-3, right? I talked to Dave on the phone today..I thought for sure he would have gone by now but family issues have prevented him from going...now he says October.....and btw, what are the "financial requirements" (ie income et al) needed to prove viability? I have money in the bank and no debt but my income has suffered because of the economy..
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on July 05, 2015:
In my case, I went over there in August, came back and started the paperwork immediately around Labor Day in September. The paperwork was sent FROM USCIS (Homeland Security had just merged with USCIS so I expected a delay but it ended up not being a delay) TO the Philippines Embassy the week before Christmas. It was almost like they wanted to clear their desks off before Christmas break came. That was a month earlier than I had been told by letter from USCIS. My Fiancee went to the Embassy in March, her Visa was delivered to her by courier in April, and I booked a flight to go over again the last week of May. We came back here on June 1st and got married on June 24th. So it was about 7.5 months for us to get her here, But I understand that USCIS is faster now with computerization, being able to submit some forms online with scans of important documents instead of using Express or Priority Mail for tracking to send multiple sets of photocopies, etc. So, you never know. If he starts her paperwork when he gets back in September, she might actually get here by March or April if USCIS is faster now.
We'll get together eventually! Later.
djbuett on July 05, 2015:
I told my daughter that if she gets into grad school, perhaps next summer I will take her to Universal Studios Orlando...provided I join the club and "find someone"..of course the timing might be a bit off...I assume that if all goes well with Dave, he will get her here by next summer at the earliest, and my timeline (if?) would be beyond that....I could tell her (my daughter) that we could postpone the trip until summer 17...heh heh
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on July 04, 2015:
Sounds like brother is a problem more than a benefit. Alcohol could ruin something good for you so it's certainly better that you wait. The wedding is a good place to look. Girls will be thinking romantic while there and at the party/reception afterward. Another nice place might be in shopping mall stores or outdoor restaurants that have chairs out on the street. There's a ton of ideas of where there is no bar, lounge, alcohol, party, etc. that would be good.
I agree that we should get together sometime. I don't remember where you live but I'm at almost the farthest south you can get in Florida on I-75 before crossing the state on Alligator Alley. Dave's up in Illinois. We'd all have a long way to drive to meet. I was in Michigan when I started this blog but moved to Florida almost 4 years ago.
When Dave brings May over to get married, I thought it might be nice for our little family to go up to their wedding. Maybe I'll make a "home" trip out of it and after staying there a couple days go on up to Michigan to visit old friends and my brother. You may want to come to the wedding too. Or better yet, when you get your candidate while over there for the wedding, you can get her over here about the same time Dave does and you can have a double ceremony! HA!
Well, keep me informed as to how it's going. Our son is in Pre-Kindergarten right now and starts real Kindergarten on August 24th. Amazing how time goes. I remember my first laying eyes on my now-wife in person the first time just like it was yesterday. It feels like we've only been married a year or two but in June it was our 8th anniversary. I remember her glowing with motherhood during her pregnancy and now our son will be 5 next month.
But they keep me feeling young and keep me wanting to better myself all the time to provide for them better each year and it's working. You'll have all these feelings one of these days and remember how much you missed before finding your soulmate.
Got Photoshop work to do, so I better go. Later! Let me know just before you go and when you get back.
djbuett on July 04, 2015:
I agree with you about not letting the adult kids run your lives...We have sacrificed enough already. As for the timing of my trip, I overlap my brother's trip but only a little for a few reasons. One is that he and I can only be around each other for short periods of time. He's a mean drunk and drinks a lot and we just recently got over a tiff over that very thing....He and I are so different and, to be honest, he'd just be in my way. Second reason is that I will spend the first 4 days in a hotel in Cebu and then after he leaves I will move in with the family, saving money...and I am sure I would enjoy it more without wondering whether my brother was drunk or not and if I had to clear out until he went to bed....family drama...I am going for two weeks....and one more thing...the wedding is on a Saturday...I thought it might be a good wholesome place to meet girls....then the bulk of the trip (about 10 days) is after that....so if I met someone I liked I could at least spend that time with her...but I'm not getting my hopes up too much...I agree with you with regards to the "Christian" in name only, and am just as leary as when I was on FC.....and like before, taking my time.....Ideally I'd like to meet someone in person, then email/skype/chat after that.....old fashioned?...also I chuckle when I read the CF founders story (Peter) who met his girl on the street, not online...should tell you something...LOL....I think the three of us (you me dave) should meet sometime...
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on July 03, 2015:
Tagging along to Cebu seems like a very good idea. I'm not sure why you want to go later though because his wife probably knows available girls there or will be talking with some and she could introduce you. You may want to wander around there for a couple weeks, not just a couple days, with supervision by somebody you know and meet various girls. Certainly many are looking for an American husband. Good luck with that trip.
On your daughter graduating: I think I discussed that before that there was a movie with Rock Hudson as a nursery-landscaping company owner and Nancy Reagan as a rich widow woman who had him work at her house. They fell for each other very much and she started wearing a flannel shirt to visit his business and "step down" from her lofty life and he dressed up really well but still informal to take her out, while her kids were off to college. When the kids came home for a holiday they dis'd her completely, said he was too low for a woman like her, and demanded she break it off with him. She made the mistake of letting her kids run her life for her and cut it off with Rock. She then was totally lonely and as soon as the self-centered kids graduated, they went off into the wild blue yonder to start their own lives, get high paying jobs, and get married while she sat in silence with nobody to love. Lesson of that movie: you can't let your kids selfishly run your life for you because they have their own lives that are about to take them out of the nest and you're left with nothing.
It was weird how it worked out with Dave. He gave me his email address so we could talk privately about his life without the whole world reading it and about a week later my wife informed me that a girl who knows her family and stays at their house a lot asked her via text to find her an American husband. I had seen her in pictures from when my wife was over there with our son in 2013 and knew she was pretty, young, and nice. So I told him about it and away he went. Yes, he's a very nice guy. He committed himself to this because she isn't from a dating site, has never been on a dating site or even on a local date, and she was known by my wife's family. And it looks like it's working out perfectly.
Christian Filipina sites seem like it's logically better than others and they probably are. I'm sure there are probably some unsavory or lying members though. Their idea of Christian in the Philippines is Catholic, for the most part, and Catholics (as you know from the Mafia) will do bad things including murder then go to confession to wipe the slate clean once in a while. That's not my idea of being a good Christian personally. Someone who doesn't do bad things at all is my idea of living the Christian faith. I also know from years ago before I started looking in the Philippines for a Filipina wife, that I checked out some of the American websites, one in particular was an American Christian singles site. So I typed in some parameters like age category, no kids, no smoking, etc. and up pops a lot of profiles. About 15 - 20% of them were jammed into blouses so tight and so revealing that their breasts were almost pushed up to their chins and overflowing their tops. Heavy lipstick, big hoop earrings, micro-mini-skirts barely covering the essentials, and excessive makeup with wild hairstyles. Now I'm not saying you can't look that way and be Christian too because heavy metal head bangers with tons of tatts and piercings are sometimes Christian, but if you're a female Christian looking for a nice male Christian I would think you'd dress moderate or conservative and look for a nice looking man who also dresses moderate or conservative. When you get together, you can expose to each other that you like going out for concerts in leather and have Satan and snakes tatt'd all over your back, or you like to dress sexy to go to a club to dance, or something like that - but these women were just outright promoting their bodies as though their facial beauty wasn't good enough and doing so on a Christian site. My X looked on line for a boyfriend for a while after our divorce but virtually every contact or wink or whatever was directly linked to something about sex and "hooking up" was always in their first message. On one "Christian" site a guy asked her to lift her shirt for him and he also stood up and stuck his wang into the webcam. I don't believe those are Christian members but fakes just using the site like they would any other.
So I'm just saying, be careful with Christian sites because women in any country, especially in a poor one like the Philippines, are more than willing to tell a little white lie and be a Muslim on a Christian site, or a no-religion person on a Christian site. You learn a lot by talking to them for a while though. You can tell by their shyness, their question answers, their way of dressing in every photo you see of them, etc. And as you said, if you're going there anyway, you can meet them and see which are good and which are not.
My wife had changed from Catholicism to Protestant (Iglasius Christo Something which is a Philippine based church almost as strict as Mormons and they want you to marry within the congregation and not outside), her brother became a Mormon Missionary early in life, and her uncle was something fairly big in the Mormon church there, so she dressed conservatively, didn't want men learing at her online or locally, and stayed away from situations that could get out of control with men and boys - such as pushing themselves on her or outright rape. She isn't as conservative in her dress now in the U.S. because we're married and together 24/7, so she feels protected and wears shorter skirts, shorter shorts, and tighter tops (YEA!) with heels, but she only dresses slightly provocatively to be sharp and keep me pretty well breathless, not as a ghastly hooker revealing everything she has like young women do everywhere we go.
So, keep up the good work and press on with a positive attitude that the love of your life is out there in the Philippines somewhere. They have 1/3 as many people as the U.S. and are living on land about the size of Texas. I'd bet there are more women than men in their culture and your participation in stealing the best looking moral Filipina from their country and bringing her here is sorely needed!
Good to hear from you again. Write anytime.
djbuett on July 02, 2015:
Mark...this is djbuett.....Dave and I have been in contact for several months now via facebook and as far as I know he is going at the end of July. Let me give you an update about myself. I took a long break from the online dating stuff until recently when I decided to dip my toe in the water once more, this time with Christian Filipina. There are things about the site I like and dislike, and think there are a few less unsavory characters there. I have started this recently...now the big news...My brother, who is married to a Filipina from Cebu has invited me to tag along with them this summer as they go back to participate in her nephew's wedding. I will go a bit later on my own, go to the wedding, and just see what I can find without getting my hopes up too much. I figure my brother's wife's family can introduce me to a few girls. And if I can maybe find a few through the online site I will try and meet them (casually)....anyway I am over my wife's death for the most part, and now realize that my daughter who is living with me now will soon be gone to graduate school, so the prospects of being here at the house alone are looming...so here I go again...round two...glad it worked out for Dave....I think he is a good guy too
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on May 19, 2015:
Thanks for commenting. This hub was written a long time ago. I really should update it but haven't had time. Our lives have changed SO much since then - location, my occupation, having a child, etc. that it's hard to keep up with it all. Sometimes I'm amazed at what our life is now compared to back then.
We were married in 2007 and are still married today - just as happily as the first day. It's hard to even believe it's been so long. Our 8th wedding anniversary is in August. My wife got her U.S. Citizenship in March. We now have a very gwapo 4 1/2 year old son who goes to Kindergarten this fall.
A lot of people don't know that Kindergarten was started by a German teacher as a voluntary school for poor children - similar to what is today known as Pre-School and there was no financial backing from public schools that started with Grade 1 at the time. A group of educated ladies in the U.S. brought the concept here and promoted it in very poor areas like the slums of San Francisco - in the late 1800's and early 1900s. They taught for free, did fund raisers to get money for rent and supplies, etc.
The world famous writer of "Rebecca Of Sunnybrook Farm" who was Kate Douglas Wiggin from Maine, was one of the first 5 Kindergarten teachers in this country. She hadn't written "Rebecca" yet which is what she became renowned for but wrote children's fairy tale books to fund her Kindergarten. I only mention this because you said you live in Germany. Kindergarten eventually became part of the school systems of the U.S. and we now have K-12 instead of 1-12. I understand that the schooling is the Philippines is changing to become 12 years now.
My wife and her sister went to the Philippines in November 2013 for a month-long visit and took the kids (our son and her sister's son) along to experience the Philippines. Our son would eat about anything handed to him but her sister's son barely ate anything, lost weight, and got spanked a lot for not eating and sticking his tongue out in disgust. They'd have to go into Butuan City and get McDonald's, Pizza Hut, Kenny Rogers chicken, and such American things to keep him alive.
The flight was from Atlanta Georgia to Cebu City. Flights from the U.S. to Cebu weren't available when I went there in 2006 and 2007. I had to fly into Manila then down to Cagayan de Oro. They took a very short domestic flight from Cebu to Butuan City. Then a taxi out into the province to their Mother's home. At first they couldn't stand the heat and humidity so they stayed in an aircon hotel for 3 days and finally ventured out to stay at their mother's house for the rest of the trip.
Dave In Illinois (comments above) is now engaged to my wife's brother's wife's sister (maybe that's my wife's sister-in-law too?) and is going over to meet and engage her around the end of the month. I decided he was a good guy with good intentions and hooked them up after she asked my wife to find her a husband candidate so she wouldn't have to go through dating services. So neither of them had to endure the scammers and rip offs you mentioned and that I discussed in my hub. She's just a nice province girl who is the most beautiful of her family and he's a nice divorcee businessman with a teen daughter who has been divorced for quite a few years. So far it looks like they are perfect for each other and I did a good job of matchmaking.
If you'd like to talk further and not have everybody in the world see our discussions, send me another comment with your email in it and I won't approve the comment for public viewing so it remains secret.
I see you have a lot to say about a lot of things. I'm going to try to read some of your hubs in my spare time.
Thelma Alberts from Germany and Philippines on May 19, 2015:
Great advices on here. This is the most informative and useful hub about finding a Filipina wife I have read. I am glad you have found an honest, respectful and a good wife to you. Wishing you more years with your wife.
I always advice foreigners well when they tell me they´re looking for Pinay wives in my home country. I have heard a lot of foreigners who were scammed by some Pinays. I have heard of women in jeepneys too when I was in my home country talking of how many foreigners who sent them money already and what they have bought from the money. They were even bragging about their "catch" as they have 2 or 3 foreigners who were and maybe are still supporting each of them every year. Poor foreigners, they did not know they were scammed.
Those kind of Pinays are bringing shame to the Filipinas who are honest like me. In that case, I´m NOT proud to be a Pinay. 30 years ago Pinays were different.
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on November 02, 2014:
If you and DaveInIllinois would like to communicate with each other directly via email, both of you send me your email addresses, I won't allow the comments to be seen, and with both of your approvals I will swap the emails to the both of you. You are looking for the same thing and could possibly give each other good advice or at least compare notes on your experiences.
djbuett on November 02, 2014:
Thanks DaveinIllinois....that is the same conclusion I have been leaning towards.....and the unicorn analogy is perfect....good luck to you too...Marcos thanks for the advice....but I am laying low for a while, to get a fresh perspective....
DaveinIllinois on November 01, 2014:
Mark, I'm jumping in here.... One thing to remember is a younger filipina, say 20's-30's, who has never had a baby will definitely want a man who has that same goal. If not, the single mom route is the way to go. Finding an attractive younger gal with no kids who doesn't want a child is like finding a unicorn. Hope this helps. Good luck djbuett.
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on November 01, 2014:
You may want to do some research and find out what others of the Top 3 or 4 dating sites are and join those for a month to see if there is better fishing in a different cove. Some of the older sites may have become tired and the girls headed elsewhere.
CherryBlossom and FilipinaCupid (which was FilipinaHeart) were the major ones when my wife and I found each other but that's old news. You guys have mentioned ChristianFilipina.com too. If you have a religious persuasion, that's a good place because the girls there are likely to be more moral and family oriented than the general public, although it's not guaranteed. On a U.S. Christian site I dropped into just for grins a few years ago, girls were scantily clad with almost obscene profile pictures which isn't the sign of a modest and conservative Christian individual in my opinion. I don't think they need to look Amish but a little modesty wouldn't hurt.
There may be another major dating site today. Think if you have any friends who found wives online and see what site they used then check it out. You can shop around in the good sites for free but can't contact girls until you join. You can usually join for just a month at a time for very little money. I wouldn't use free sites though because they typically draw a lower class of men on our side and the girls know that so the better more beautiful ones frequent the pay sites instead. Since the girls don't pay to be on these sites, they will always choose the best site to list on.
You may even want to take advantage of Facebook and www.ph.Yahoo.com (Philippines specific version).
Go to the ph.yahoo site, join Yahoo there with a nice moniker like "LonelyBoy" or "LoveStarved" or other that isn't in use already (and that can be hard unless you use a Yahoo automatically generated name). Then browse the "groups" for conversations about dating, marriage, etc. that pertain to what you are looking for. There are literally millions of Filipinas on there from worldwide. You might even find one who is already here in the U.S. who spends time on yahoo to talk to friends back home or to keep up the news back home.
My wife spends tons of time on ph.yahoo every day to know what's going on. She has also joined some groups of married Filipinas worldwide who tell their marital secrets to each other about wife beaters, sex maniac husbands, husbands who are gone from home too much, erectile dysfunction, husbands who do and say some pretty sick things, and the girls ask questions of the community as to whether what they are experiencing is normal or if it's just them. They don't use their real names but talk up a storm about the things that bother them, things that are abnormal to their Asian minds, and sometimes totally tragic stories that are dangerous and the participants repeatedly tell the victim to get out before they get killed or permanently maimed. And I mean terrible stuff like a husband who holds a loaded gun to the girl's head while he's raping her and calling her terrible foul names, etc. There are things that we Americans view as really sick that Filipinas have to ask if it's normal here and they are told it isn't.
Setup a brand new Facebook for yourself with nice portraits of you, pictures of you at work or with work related vehicle, pictures of you grilling steaks at your home, you with your dog(s) and/or cat(s), you enjoying life, etc. and make sure to use the words Filipina and wife during any texts you write on the page. Write some complimentary posts about why you think Filipinas are the most beautiful women in the world, why you feel there is a perfect one to be your future wife, and just plain douse them with compliments in general and show how wild you are to have a Filipina wife.
Have somebody make up a Photoshop'd family photo or even better - a wedding photo, of you in a nice suit with someone (preferably a female) standing beside you in a wedding dress (who has long black hair or is wearing a black hair wig) then darken the arms to a Philippine brown, erase the face, and put a white blank there with a question mark where the face should be. Put that as a permanent header at the top of the Facebook page.
Write up a nice and truthful profile of yourself using words like "single but hoping for a nice Filipina" or "single but looking for a Filipina bride" and other such things that use Philippines, Filipina, and other such directional keywords. I don't know that I would include hobbies such as killing squirrels at 1/2 mile with a sniper rifle, or concealed carrying two .45ACP Kimbers when you're in your 4X4 pickup going to the bar which you know is illegal but you do it anyway, etc. , but only nice things about yourself.
Do some research of Filipino singers like Arnel the lead singer of Journey. Charice a great very young Filipina singer who made it here, became a cast member of Glee, and then came out as a Lesbian dike and ruined her career. Jessica Sanchez who was on American Idol a few years ago and came in second behind a virtually useless male singer who was cute and got all the girls' votes although Jessica was the most powerful singer I've ever seen. She was so good, I believe two of the judges quit the show over her not winning because they realized how rigged it was. Research singers IN the Philippines who are absolutely awesome but the U.S. never hears of them. Check out Gary V. After doing that research put them in your list of favorite music artists.
Facebook automatically will link you to all those key words and phrases. A Filipina anywhere in the world who searches for "Filipina-related" words in hopes of finding new girlfriends to add also finds you although you "LonelyInTheUS1965" or whatever even though you aren't one but you are looking for one.
When you've got a nice looking Facebook page, leave it open to everybody in the world and not just friends and family. There are millions and millions of Filipina users in the Philippines who talk to each other, talk to strangers, post photos on their sites, etc. and it's still a pretty well untapped resource for contacting them for dating and marriage. If they want to talk to you about such things they can switch to private communications with you. If they are crazy nutty you'll know if from the photos they post before you even post on their page. If they're not, you'll learn that too. What you can see of them there is more personal, revealing, and intimate than what you see in a thought-out profile and one photo on a dating site because they actually produced the page with the idea of collecting girlfriends not boyfriends.
You can also search Facebook yourself for the words Filipina, Philippines, etc. but you'll have to request being allowed into their page unless they also left it open to the whole world. Many Filipinas will grant your request if you mention something nice about being interested "in the Philippines" because they all want to build themselves a huge community of viewers. 1,000 to 5,000 Facebook friends isn't uncommon.
You may find that they are speaking in their home dialect or Tagalog on a Facebook page but if you come in and introduce yourself as a new friend in English most all of them can use English to you, although they can also talk behind your back in their language unless you secretly have an Android or iOS translator to find out what they said.
In every ocean there is everything from minnows to Great Whites out there but logistics of where you fish from is important too.
djbuett on October 30, 2014:
Marcos....(no need to post)...thanks...may stay quiet here for a while...seemed to have hit a bit of a slump....like fishing with nothin' bitin'..take care
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on October 29, 2014:
You'll find many scammers so don't get disappointed or bummed out about it. Just keep moving forward and hang in there. As I said, there's at least a half million for you to weed your way through so she's out there, just keep looking. Keep me informed, especially when you find one or two who really fit the bill and are not scammers. When you find the good ones you'll light up like a Christmas tree with excitement to have found them.
djbuett on October 29, 2014:
I understand what you are saying and am careful with people I care about...case in point the following description I sent to someone I genuinely like:
what's your work again?
Me: I don't think I ever told you
I used to be a school teacher, but I hated the work....so I started my own business..It is a service business...I am a professional window cleaner. I have done this for 20 years now...I drive around in my truck and have my stuff in the back...For example, today I worked at four shops and two big houses....and made about $300 US"....wala....I do understand your issue, and will treat it carefully, but three weeks in and found maybe 3-4 honest to goodness scammers has already tainted me a bit...
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on October 28, 2014:
True, this is working for you so I suppose it's a good tactic for flushing out scammers. But let me pretend I'm a Filipina for a moment, a beautiful and excellent candidate living in the day-to-day poverty of the province (rural farm country) with her family.
We make enough to feed the family and have almost nothing extra. We four kids wear each others clothes to have a variety so we're not ashamed at school because of wearing the same thing every day. I travel by bus to the city where there is an Internet Cafe. I've decided I'm going to go online and find a foreign husband because I know that all the Filipino men in my region are not doing well financially. There's nothing to do here but farm or work for a farmer which pays even less.
The men I see and that my father hangs around with are mostly alcoholics, or at least heavy drinkers spending a lot of time with their drinking friends. The only spare money they have beyond their daily food needs is spent on cigarettes, alcohol, and gambling on cock and dog fights. All of my friends that I graduated from public school with are married now but I'm not because I want to make a better choice and find a better life than this.
Mona, my best friend in high school, was raped twice while walking home from school by several men who were three times her age and she got pregnant from the second rape. So she has a baby now and still lives with her family. She got herpes from one of the men and the baby was born with sores all over it. Her family had to sell their mother pig to pay for doctor visits until the baby's sores went away. They still have to put cream on the baby when the sores come back from time to time but they can't raise pigs anymore because the mother pig isn't there to have babies.
Gina, another of my friends, decided to finally date the boy she liked in school after we graduated. On their second date he really wanted sex so she gave herself to him because she loved him. He acted like he was crazy and sex'd her hard and hurt her pretty badly. He didn't talk to her anymore after that and would walk right past her without looking at her. And she got pregnant. He didn't want to get married but her father threatened him. He gave up and married her. Now he is angry that he was forced to marry and yells at her a lot, smacks her in the face when he's not drunk, hits her with his fists when he is drunk, and throws her down and has sex inside her or in her mouth before he goes out with his friends almost every night. I've seen him kissing other girls in our village so I know he's cheating on her too. He even tried to proposition me but he knows my father really would kill him if he touched me. He doesn't love Mona, talks terrible to her, and won't even bring home food so she eats a lot of rice and mangos, the baby is malnutritioned because rice isn't enough for a baby and Mona's milk dried up right after the birth. She hasn't told him yet but she's pregnant again. She's afraid he will beat her until she's dead if she tells him that so she might take their daughter and run away but she has nowhere to go because she shamed her family by getting pregnant.
I'm so lonely here with no boyfriend to love but I refuse to do what my friends have done and marry one of these terrible men with no hope for the future. I dream every night and pray for more in this life for myself and my family. If I marry a western man who has a good job he will take care of me with safety from robbers and rapers, food, and a nicer place to live where they don't have Malaria, Dengue Fever, diseased mosquitoes, and poisonous snakes like we have here. I hear that everything is clean in the U.S., people have cars and go to many beautiful places, and they have the freedom to enjoy life together without being afraid of Islamic terrorists. I want that kind of life for me and my children if my husband wants children. I will get a job as a care giver or CNA to be able to send money home to my family so they can live better too. I want my family to have electric power in our house so they can run a fan, use light bulbs, and maybe buy a TV set.
So I'm going to set up a profile on a dating site and use the one photo I have that my aunt took of me when I visited her. The Internet Cafe operator can scan that old Polaroid for 25 centavos so I can put it in my profile. I'll say in the profile that I am 22 years old. I'm Catholic so that can show the western man that I'm a good girl. It wants me to say what I'm looking for in a man on the site. Hmmm... well, I'm looking for a good God-fearing man, I don't even care what age he is, who will love me for all of my life, who won't hurt me, and wants to have children and make a family of our own to be happy. Oh wait, I better add that he should also want to give me security and keep me in a home that he owns. I'd really like to know what air conditioning and electric appliances are about. My aunt in Manila has something she calls a washing machine that cleans her clothes so she doesn't have to clean them in the river like we do. I hope my dream husband wants to have our home cooler than 100 degrees during the day. But if he doesn't, I'll endure it anyway because of our love together.
Maybe he'll be a nice man who likes to laugh, take me to Kenny Rogers Chicken on special occasions, and will buy me a birthday present every year. I hope he likes rice and won't be angry with me when I cook Filipino food because that's all I know Nobody has ever given me a birthday gift and my parents couldn't afford to get me one so I hope he is a generous man who will buy me clothes or shoes or maybe a flower.
I'm getting hungry now. I wonder if I have enough money to buy a muffin from the vendor outside. No, I can only afford an apple because I have to save 100 pesos for my two hours online here in the cafe making my profile and 25 pesos for my bus ride home.
(Two days later:) Oh look I have a man from the U.S. who wrote to me. He's nice looking and he's looking for a wife to make a family like I want too! Let's see, he's a Christian man so he must have morals and won't cheat on me. He doesn't drink or smoke so that's good too. Oh boy, I think I might have a good one to talk to. He has a house of his own, I like that. I hope it has a metal roof and windows and not just a grass roof with holes in the wall covered by shear curtains to keep the bugs out like my family's home. I wonder if he'll have me work in his farm field. Let's see here, he has his own work as a.... a what.... a window cleaner? Let me ask the guy across the street with a bucket and towel who is cleaning the windows how much he makes. 50 pesos a day ($1US)? What kind of business is that to support me and our children if we have some? This man must be very poor and won't be able to provide any better life than I have now.
I better keep hoping for some other men to write to me and see what they have for a work. I've just got to better myself and have a man with a better income than my father or there's no hope. I have hope though so I'll keep trying.
My point being that while you are ferreting out lots of scammers, you may also be throwing aside a perfectly good candidate who wasn't a scammer. That was the only reason I suggested tempering your "window cleaner" statement by using "commercial office cleaning" or something of that nature. If you don't represent yourself as being at least one cut above what they see in their own culture as a lowly hourly worker, you aren't going to get any to stick around for conversation.
You and I know what you do isn't a lowly job but she has no reference to base her judgment on except what she sees. A construction company owner here may have 300 employees building expressways and be filthy rich but over there that job description means 10 employees with shovels and wheel barrows mixing bagged concrete mix and smoothing it badly by hand with a board - with the owner being one of the workers.
Something to think about!
djbuett on October 28, 2014:
Marcos....crickets.....that's what I've gotten now three times after, say 3-4 email exchanges when the topic of "what I do for a living" comes up....I understand that the cleaners there are probably lowest on the social totem pole, but every single time this (crickets) has happened, to be honest, I've been relieved. I have already told you my financial situation which will remain hidden, and I know you probably think I should dress it up a bit more glamorously, but I have a different take...flush 'em out....any propensity to be a gold digger will come to the surface when they hear their potential mate may ride around on a bicycle with rags (actually have a nice truck and make a good, solid, decent living). I even had one I thought was a fake and I thought...cheez I'm almost positive she's an imposter: answers seemed canned, quick to jump on yahoo and send me several professional grade pictures...but when the window cleaning thing came up...crickets...I figure the scammer decided there were bigger fish to fry....and then there was the 40 year old unmarried teacher....after a while I thought...hmm well she really isn't that good looking...and presto....."window cleaner"...crickets...it's like a loaded gun ready to bear...heh heh...anyway still trying...
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on October 24, 2014:
Yes, the competition varies a lot from handsome to all out dogs. I'm no Tom Cruise, overweight, bald, and a foot taller than most Filipinos but I think I did good with my wife. So, although I don't have a picture of you to see, I know you're right in the middle somewhere. Don't worry about competition because there are many, many out there for you. Unless you have a leg with foot growing out of your head or two dripping infected empty eye sockets and your nose is missing, I'd think you are perfectly capable of getting a very nice looking great Filipina.
I'm not bragging about myself in any way but I've met husbands and wives where I wonder what the Filipina was thinking about when she dated and married the husband. It wasn't money because these guys are working class or retired on social security. They seem to have a perfectly pleasant relationships but the husband is many times a boisterous. opinionated, loud-mouth, wearing a really bad wig that doesn't match his hair underneath it, who dominates every conversation until people drift away from him purposely - and yet he has a beautiful young Filipina wife who knocks your eyes out with attractiveness and she's shy.
I guess I should be thankful that men like him can get a beautiful, nice, shy Filipina wife because that assured that I could and we all can if we're intelligent, kind, affectionate, make her the center of our life, listen more than we talk, treat her as an equal, and be the exact opposite of that guy.
Just relax and make your choices carefully. You seem to be on the right track. Always keep in mind that she's a human being equal in all ways to you. Treat her politely and like the way you want her to treat you. Social status and country of origin has nothing to do with anything. Yahoo IM with some and see what they really look like and what their personalities are like. They can see you and get a grip on what you are like at the same time.
Keep me informed on your progress!
djbuett on October 24, 2014:
Marcos...Glad DaveinIllinois is on..enjoying your interactions with him...First of all, thanks for the shot in the arm...Your comment about a fellow struggling through many months and candidates and even trips before finding someone was encouraging....Admittedly your claiming you found your beauty on "the first day" made me throw up my hands and ask "so what's wrong with me"? (not anymore...heh heh)...Anyway I finally got an answer to a question I had not asked you: "why so many girls want me to be on yahoo messenger"?....well, now I know...the girls have the phones but fc does not have an app!....and being on fc requires a computer access...well duh...also, met up with an interesting girl who told me about her fiancé...they were set to get married until the powers that be stateside found out he was a sex offender, something the fellow "forgot" to tell her. I found her on facebook and their pictures together...She is 25 and he had to have been at least 70!.....not to bad mouth the guy, but if some of my "competition" looks like that, well I'm in better straights than I thought! I had been having a bit of a "so why aren't the young pretty ones interested in me" and they are, of course, but I focus on the one or two who I send a message to, find out they were online and didn't bother to respond to me. I have a few interesting candidates now, but still nothing to float my boat yet...
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on October 22, 2014:
Okay, I don't think you had mentioned Christian dating sites. That would be a whole different thing. His advice to visit several makes more sense in that context. I was discussing regular secular websites, hopefully finding girls with morals, and being proper about how you treat them. Being on a Christian website gives you a better chance of everybody acting correctly and nobody getting hurt. Most everybody I'm talking with just use sites that the general public is on.
In that context, four or five girls would probably not be hurt by you visiting others because they can be pretty sure you're not just there for sampling the goods and not picking any of them for marriage.
As for marriage in the Philippines - ABSOLUTELY NOT! You want your wife to be to come here with a Fiancée Visa, not a K-1 Spouse Visa. A Fiancée Visa took 8 months total, and from what I hear it's still about 8 months. At the time we met, a Spouse Visa could take 2.5 to 3 YEARS! I have not heard anything about that time span being shortened, so personally I wouldn't take a chance.
My conversation about her wedding getup was to show how inexpensive it is there. The same thing she wore for our marriage in Ohio would have likely cost $700 here but less than $70 there. But that's probably changed now too.
From what I've heard, the cost of things is much higher in the Philippines now. My wife and son went there in November 2013. She had to buy him a pair of shoes. They cost $5 in Mindanao. But they also cost $5 to $6 at WalMart here, for shoes that are actually better quality. I talk with an American who moved to Cebu City six years ago and he said the price of buying a home there has doubled in the last three years because of Chinese investors with money to burn coming over there and buying up land to build new homes. Apparently the rules that only Filipinos can own land in the Philippines has become lax or completely eliminated.
Hope that helps. Any more questions, just write anytime!
DaveinIllinois on October 22, 2014:
Thanks again for the thorough reply. One of my traits is that I'm very analytical about most things, including going to the Philippines for a wife. I've been gathering a lot of advice from different folks, including you, who have experience in this area. I agree with all of your sentiments regarding going to see multiple girls. I think the key is being honest and not playing games with them. I don't want to contribute to the litany of broken hearts that result in so many of these Fil-Am internet relationships.
I was speaking to the owner of a christian-based filipina dating site that I belong to—a guy named Peter Christopher. He recommended visiting several as friends only first and then proceeding from there. Obviously, he was not thinking about going to bed with them, just spending some time to get a sense of their personality, character, lifestyle and beliefs. From there we could spend time together over the net and with possibly additional visits.
Before I go I have another question... Did you and your wife have a ceremony in the Phils? I was a bit confused because you mentioned what her wedding get up cost which made me think you got married over there on not in the U.S. I assumed that was not the case due to the longer wait to import a spouse. Do couples have religious ceremonies without signing a legal marriage doc?
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on October 22, 2014:
Hi again DaveinIllinois,
I can see why you are thinking of changing your plan but if I look at it from the opposite direction, I feel asking when you're coming over is a good screening process for them and if you intentionally reply that it may be 6 months or so and then they bail out - you shouldn't be concerned if they do.
If they're serious about a relationship with YOU and not just wanting to get over here to the promised land of milk and honey, then they'd be willing and want to talk to you for an extended period of time to get to know you well. Being impatient about you coming over isn't a characteristic of a Filipina you want to marry, in my opinion. It's not your concern if others are chatting her up without wanting to commit. It's something they have to endure if they're going to be online for a husband. A Filipina who is cautious and takes time to know you is worried about your ability to have deep feelings for her, worried about you possibly coldly treating her as an inanimate house cleaner and baby maker, you being a hot head who beats wives, you being an alcoholic or drug addict, etc. She wants to "probe" you with conversation to satisfy her curiosity about someone she's planning on spending the rest of her life with and won't mind months of chatting.
I also feel that asking you when you're coming over may be a test on the girl's part to see if you are already planning on coming over to pick from a number of candidates instead of just visiting her only, or if it's just to have a sex spree across her country, etc. because she knows you haven't spent enough time to be serious about her yet. She either doesn't grasp how much a trip over there costs you or she's baiting you to see what your answer will be.
The idea of setting up 4 or 5 to visit on the same trip sounds logical and financially wise, and I have a friend who did so, but I just don't like the concept for one main reason. You are meddling with the hearts and souls of 4 or 5 girls who you want to be eager to meet you and give you their all so you are impressed.
She's going to tell her family about this great guy who's coming to visit her from the U.S. She's going to build inner excitement about your trip. She's going to dream of what you will be like before you get there and have you amplified into being bigger than life in her mind. She's going to plan, arrange her schedule to match yours, maybe go out and buy new clothes to impress you, and most of all - she's preparing to wear her heart on her sleeve for you and give it to you if you are impressed with each other in person.
But... you will have 4 or 5 girls doing that. To be blunt, one may "earn the honor" of getting you as a husband while you're ripping off the other 4. Although you don't plan on telling each of them about the others, they're going to know anyway. They trust their instincts because they aren't psychologists. You won't let yourself go and be fully yourself without a lingering cool reservation because you won't want to commit to one of the earlier ones. In the back of your mind you will know for the whole trip that there are three more or four more, or whatever, and you'll want to see and experience them like cars or cattle through an auction with you as a bidder.
So let's say #1 turns out to be the best of 5. You should engage her and ask her family to allow you to marry her while you're there so she's out of the meat market and exclusively yours. How do you explain that you were gone for three weeks secretly sampling others and now you're back to propose? Or how do you explain that you didn't email/chat from your home for 3 weeks after having a really good time with her while you were there. For 3 weeks she's up in the air about whether your time together was good enough for you or not. You aren't going to be able to pull off IM chatting with her from a Philippine Internet Cafe because she'll know it is a Cafe as Filipinos go past your webcam. Each one is panic'd and worrying that you didn't write after your visit or that she did something wrong.
Ok, maybe you're thinking, "I'll just tell them all that I'm sampling 4 or 5 so they know up front and they won't get too attached until I make my selection." You then leave them all up in the air not knowing whether they're the one or not.
Look at this plan from the opposite direction too. Do you want her sampling 4 or 5 guys (think "potentially sleeping with") while you are sampling 4 or 5 girls so she can decide which one is the best for her? I think not. If you have not committed to them you have no right to keep any quarantined for yourself. Someone else could come into the picture and snap her up while you're spending your month sampling. When you finally decide #1 is the best, she may already be engaged and off the market. Then what? Do you start over? Or do you decide that you'll go ahead and take the 2nd best? How do you respect and love her fully as your life partner if she's only the second best out of the ones you visited and you didn't get the best that you actually decided on?
What I'm saying is that this logical new plan is starting a new relationship based on a lie no matter how it turns out. They either don't know, or you tell them, that they are not already your choice that you've decided on pursuing until you've sampled several. You wouldn't want it done to you so why would they want it done to them?
Marrying a Filipina needs to be deeper than that if you want trust, commitment, faithfulness, and love from her. That's what she wants from you and your new plan violates all 4 of those traits before you even start. Any who are family oriented, moral, and worth marrying don't hold back or keep anything in reserve when you get married. You can't either.
This is love that has the potential to be like nothing you've experienced before and you can't play around the fringes of it. Your and "her" communications for months are supposed to build a monogamous, and pretty much binding relationship, to a peak that can't be topped until a visit to her lets you BOTH realize whether you are just as compatible in person.
Sorry if that sounds too bold and frank but it's what I must say to be totally honest with you.
Thanks for writing. Hope to hear from you soon.
DaveinIllinois on October 22, 2014:
I just hopped on here to read your exchange with djbuett. I think he and I are having the same issues. I'm finding that after just a few exchanges the girls go right to asking me about when I'm coming down there. I think it's because they are tired of talking to guys who are all talk and no action. They are trying to gauge how serious I am and they don't want to waste 6 months of internet chatting with some guy who just wants to flirt with pretty filipinas. And I can understand that.
I'm thinking of revising my plan. I'm thinking of doing a multiple girl approach rather than trying to find one girl to chat with for 6 months. I'm thinking doing a search within a certain geographical area, introducing myself to several decent looking candidates and then narrowing them down to 4-5 girls, who after just a month or so, I go down to visit. Get to know them well enough online to justify a personal meeting but not so well that they try to "claim" me as their own. Get to know them better as friends first and then proceed from there. I may fall in love with the first one or I may see them all, who knows?
I have the funds and the time to visit for about one month if necessary. Maybe I can find one to commit to exclusively and then make a subsequent visit later...Thanks.
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on October 22, 2014:
It looks to me like you're honing your candidate research now and once you have, you can use that skill set throughout your search. Everything you've said in this last comment looks good to me. You're using information about yourself to test the waters and filter out ones who are looking for something you aren't looking for. The "being out in the country for peace and quiet with daughter and animals" is perfect. If the candidate is looking for the big city life they don't have now, they're looking to "upgrade" instead of looking for love first and foremost. It's okay to upgrade too if they live in poverty, but that's not supposed to be their only goal. You'll find one that understands you don't live in poverty just because you live in the country or she won't care where you live because it's YOU she is interested in, not your house and money.
It's also wise not to discuss your financials other than to say you're stable, secure, and have a nice home that the candidate would really enjoy. We have a Filipina friend who married an American/Lebanese man who she had met online but she was in America having escaped an abusive wife-beater so he didn't have to move her here to our country. This is the method he used. He sent her pictures of his home (one of four actually) and it is a single family 3-bedroom home he rents in a nice neighborhood of Ft. Myers FL. When they decided to get engaged then marry, he brought her "home" to the $250,000 home and showed it to her but then they got back in the car and went about a mile away where his $3.5 million "mansion" was. It's 5-bedrooms, all marble and real wood everything, handmade spiral staircase, beautiful Mediterranean décor custom designed to his specifications, an under-screen pool and garden with marble deck, statues, etc. that's bigger than my whole house, workout center, and the list goes on for a mile. She initial asked who owned that place and he admitted that it was his, and that he also has a home in Italy and one in the Philippines near Manila that he never told her about either. He owns a marble importing business and builds luxury fireplaces that are sometimes two and three stories tall for Middle Eastern buyers and ships them over and flies in a team of installers. Each project is $200,000+ and the profit is obscene. So she hit the jackpot but that wasn't the reason she online dated, engaged, and married him.
It's good that you took your deceased wife out. If they are asking if you're divorced that may mean they don't know the definition of "widower." Remember that their language has 1/6th of the words we have so "widower" may not connect. Even the word "deceased" may not work either. Just plain "my wife died X amount of years ago." would probably be best.
Self-employed window washer is probably taking your humble approach a bit far. They have window washers in the cities there too but it's a guy with a towel and some cleaning water in a bucket, so that sounds pretty "low" as an income category. Maybe you might tweak that to being a "Commercial cleaning service" which sounds more business-like but doesn't exactly describe precisely what you do that potentially scares away a possible connection.
My wife thought I was a famous rock band star because I sent her photos of me playing in my band in front of the skyscrapers of downtown Toledo OH. I was renowned around the Toledo area as being one of the two best at what I do, but I wasn't a national rock star. She didn't let me know that was her impression but it was. When I went there the first time the family wanted me to sing to a Magic Mic karaoke system and I did a few songs I knew and did them well so it blew them away to hear an American doing this. I also sent her photos of my music store with tons of inventory surrounding me as I leaned against the black Formica front counter, so she thought I was a successful business man too. I wasn't a famous rock star but locally well known. I was a successful business man in the region but not a wealthy one. She made her own assumptions but didn't make it known to me that she felt confidence about me because of her own assumptions. By the time she got here, I was in a different band, and two years after she got here I had to shut down my music stores because the economy killed our market. But she knows how to stick it out through the hard times and we moved to Florida where I started doing real estate photography and playing in another band plus took early social security so things are fine now after a two year struggle. But it was never living in poverty like she was accustomed to just a tight fugal budget until I got back on my feet after our move.
If they are sharing heartbreaking stories but not asking for money, that's okay too. At least they are sharing with you which is better than those who won't talk about their past at all because you'd dump them in a minute if you knew what it was. You can tell when they're being sincere or not. If you reply about the heartbreaking story (in a way that shows you have compassion about it but not in a way that makes them seem lowly and not as good as you) and they reply back with more details you can feel pretty confident that they aren't writing the story from a script but actually have lived it.
Sounds like things are going well. Don't worry about it being 3 weeks. Better to be patient and wait for the right one than to go too fast and get stung. I have a friend who's been at it for a year, been over to the Philippines twice, and still hasn't succeeded. I have another friend who had four different candidates, he went over for one, got stung and lost money to another until he found out it was her sister running a scam and monitoring pretty little sister's messages to make sure they led toward sending money, had another one that just suddenly stopped writing, and finally the fourth one is the one he went over and got engaged to and they're very happily married with child here now. It took him two years to get it right but he lost money because he wouldn't listen to me for the first three. He picked them for looks first and didn't follow any of my warnings. And I have another friend who found a great Chinese wife after more than two years of heavy, heavy, heavy online research and talking to hundreds and hundreds of candidates. They're 100% compatible, they have a little girl, they've been married for 6 years, and she's working in a Chinese fast food restaurant while getting a degree in nursing.
So hang in there, stick to your guns, and it will eventually work out. As I said, with a country of 89 million people, if half of them are women, that's 45 million. If only 10% of them were available for marriage, which is a very low number, you still have 4.5 million to select from. If only 10% of those are what you're looking for, that's still 450,000 to search through. If only 10% of them like what and who you are, you still have 45,000 possibilities - which is 44,999 more than you have here in your region!
Later! Keep me informed how you're doing. If you want to talk privately instead of on here, just send me your email and tell me to not post that comment. I'll deny it on this Hub and we can talk back and forth private.
djbuett on October 21, 2014:
As per your advice I have almost completely removing my wife from the profile, just with a casual note that she is "deceased", for some who don't bother to read it ask if I'm divorced (even when my profile says I'm a widower). I am very careful, though to observe how the communication goes. I am a naturally inquisitive person, and mention what I think to be thought provoking possibilities for discussion, but things rarely get interesting....just superficial stuff for about 3-4 emails then straight to the " so when are you coming over" question...maybe I am asking too much. I also tend to scare them away when I describe that we live in the country and it is "quiet and peaceful" with just me, my daughter, the dog and cat....for a few of these girls living on the "compound" with relatives coming and going every few minutes I think the change may be too much for them...I also am careful not to tell them "all" about my financial situation....All they know is that I am a self employed window cleaner that lives in the country with his daughter...No one yet knows that I have three cars, a paid for house, a swimming pool and quite a sizable inheritance, and I probably won't tell anyone that last part until the wedding day (if there be one)...I am interested in your "technique" of making the first contact...Now that I think about it, the one's I have contacted first tend to be the keepers...Most of the ones that put me in their favorite column....well, never mind....I am also opening up my geography to Northern Mindinao...not many Muslims up there and it looks like a very interesting area....No one has asked me for money yet, but I have heard some pretty heartbreaking stories (if they're true)...anyway nothing solid yet, now three weeks in...hmm....you found yours on the first day?...I am envious!
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on October 15, 2014:
Yes, I agree with what you say about their responses. I personally wouldn't go to the Philippines just to hang out or hope to meet somebody while there. While it's a possibility to do so, especially if you were in a situation where you don't work and could go over and rent a nice place for two or three months, it's not a reality for most of us. I would only go over when I had a pretty sure candidate that I had grown to know and care about.
I have a friend who picked 3 to visit in different cities during one trip but he didn't get past the first one and ended up marrying her. They're still together today and have two kids, one hers and one theirs. But I thought that was rather crass and crude on his part toward the other two girls who were suddenly dumped unceremoniously with no warning and probably wondered why he never showed up when he said he would.
Because the basic theory in the Philippines is that we Americans are all rich beyond imagination, a lot of them don't realize the expense of a trip to their country. So you'll have girls asking about when you're coming over there because they don't realize it's 10,000 miles and not just a lark to travel indiscriminately to the other side of the world.
If they're actually looking for a husband, that might also be a trick question to see if you're just coming over for a rampant sex-capade through their country (which many foreigners do by pretending to have romantic reasons for being there, score a couple dozen in two weeks, and come back home with no marital link at all nor desire to have one) or if you're serious about meeting one specific girl when you've chatted her long enough to be interested in just one.
Last fall it was $1800 round trip per person plus domestic flights out of Manila or Cebu City to whatever other places you wanted to end up at. So with hotel stay and flights and food, you're probably going to spend $3,500 during a couple weeks there. That's a year's or at least a half a year's wages for many people in that country but they think it's nothing for a rich American.
I know my wife took quite a while to be able to think of dollars in terms of pesos. Everything is thought of in high numbers of pesos there. You buy a big bag of rice and you shell out 2,000 pesos. Buy the same bag here and you pay 50 dollars. So they think in larger currency numbers there than here and a family may live on 8,000 to 10,000 pesos per month in the rural areas.
Tell a girl it will cost 3,500 dollars to fly over to see her and she automatically thinks of 3,500 pesos not being very much without the mental calculation of 3,500 dollars X (let's say) 40 pesos per dollar exchange rate = 140,000 pesos. That's more than her family may live on during the whole next year. If she knows to think in those terms she realizes how much the cost really is. Some do and some don't.
So the question of "when are you coming over here?" is either a trick to see if you're coming over anyway and they're going to be a potential victim of a foreign sexaholic, or they aren't thinking about how much your cost really is, or they're scammers wanting to know when their next fish is going to be reeled in to buy them things, take them places, etc. for the pretend imaginary romantic rendezvous she can offer you. BUT YOU DON'T KNOW until you know them better. If they leave when you say you're not coming over until you have a potential candidate, don't bother thinking about them anymore. That was a scam or they don't think you're worth wasting time on because they've been on there a long time and think they know the way it works. Unfortunately, that may be why they've been there a long time and they don't realize that.
It's good for you to be cautious but be careful not to be SO cautious that you miss your perfect match. I went into this with the attitude that out of a country of 89 million people of which more than 50% are female, I would find the perfect mate that I was meant to meet. If that took a year, I'd wait it out. If it didn't, I'd be happy that I didn't have to wait it out. I found my wife's profile the very first night I looked on FilipinaHeart, she was in my favorites from that point on for the next three days, and she was the first I wrote to. Maybe I lucked out, maybe she was meant for me before I even got there. I believe we were meant to meet up and marry. But that's just me.
Just be consistent, do it your way, don't get pushed or rushed, and patiently do your due diligence to be sure the candidates you spend time with are actually good ones. You can't be rude with your questioning like an interrogator because they sense that and don't like it yet there's ways to lead conversations so that they spill their beans without even knowing they did.
Treat them with respect and honor and if they don't do the same then forget that one and move on. If they say things that seem too flamboyant, too much in a hurry, too desperate, too slick, or too greedy, forget that one and move on. You can't possibly go through millions of candidates and run out so just relax and do it right.
One thing though... I don't know if I would bring up your dead Japanese wife in your profile. I'd wait until they ask you about your past. Keeping a past spouse in the front of your mind, which it seems like when it's there right away in your profile, sounds like what is called "carrying baggage around with you" and a new candidate doesn't want a dead wife hanging around in your relationship as someone to be compared to. They want to be appreciated as themselves for who they are, not compared to who someone else used to be.
It's okay to talk about your past when you get to that point but you may be pushing away profile readers who just blow you off without any consideration or contact.
By the way, I think I mentioned it in my hub but I only talked with those I contacted with a reasonably long message so they'd know I wasn't just contacting 100 girls that day, not those who contacted me. I didn't want to be a commodity picked from the FilipinaHeart tree either so I made the contacts first and if they responded I knew they were interested in what I had said and my profile I could be sure they looked at. I didn't want to be one of 250 profiles that a girl clicked on and said, "Hi" to every day in bulk.
Good luck on your hunt. Write anytime!
djbuett on October 15, 2014:
thanks again Marcos...all food for thought, especially the language stuff...eagerness to try can circumvent any difficulty....I know that. a few more things....though I admittedly believe I am ready to start a new relationship, I do get scared away when, within a few emails, the girls are asking me "so when are you coming to the Philippines?". I do plan to go, and maybe even early next year, but I really haven't decided yet and, at best, I tell them this (which is the truth). With a few of the ones in the early days, I said "well it's too early to talk about that" and that's the last I've heard of them. I feel that a few of them have been victims of some unsavory types and have become distrustful, and I understand that. But I also feel a bit like a commodity, when a conversation travels unnecessarily to commitment-type questions when they barely know anything about me. I am especially sensitive to see how people respond to my profile and comment about my situation (I mentioned my deceased wife at the end of my profile). If they glance over it or do not comment at all, then ask "so when are you coming over here?", well I feel more like an apple being plucked off the pile than a serious love interest. I also believe that some of these women have been trolling around on these sites for quite a while, and they don't realized how impatient they appear when they jump straight to these kind of questions. I think of one girl in particular who I did a web search on and found an old asiancupid posting from 4 years ago...She has been doing this for 4 years?....Yikes...anyway, trying to be cautious without being paranoid...djbuett
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on October 15, 2014:
Although each girl has her own reasons for not filling the profile out well, such as the possibility you're certainly thinking in the back of your mind like she's hiding something, I'm going to venture a guess that main reasons may be:
1. Too lazy to do it right because she knows she's going to get a bazillion hits anyway,
2. Doesn't understand English enough to know what to put in it,
3. A friend dared her to put up a profile for fun and she doesn't really want to spend a lot of time on a lark,
4. She's afraid of putting semi-personal information out.
I'm thinking back to what my wife did on her profile. She didn't understand English well then but her scholarly 4.0 GPA little sister did. So they jointly put the profile up together. All questions were answered so I felt it was a sincere profile effort although my wife has a tendency to be brief with comments. When it asked what she was looking for she said, "A husband who will love me for all my life and never hurt me."
It was simple but honest. I thought hurt emotionally but I learned later that her father hit her mother when he was drunk so that's what she actually meant.
From my list above, I'd say you wouldn't want #1 because she has enough ego and knowledge to recognize she'll have her pick of all the idiots who won't care about profile details anyway so she doesn't bother.
You don't seem interested in #2, although she may be a perfectly fine person, because your conversational abilities as a couple could be limited - but that might also be a mistake.
It didn't stop our relationship. It wasn't that she didn't want to speak to me, it's just that she was overwhelmed by English and was very rough in speaking it so she was uncomfortable - thus she was shy but attentive and made quick eye contacts anyway. That's very different than won't talk and won't make eye contact at all.
The first time I visited the Philippines she and I could barely talk because she didn't know many of the words I used. I needed to talk to her simpler level with less words so she felt more comfortable. She's not stupid but just was not experienced in English. She speaks 3 languages now. You need to keep in mind that their languages only have 2,000 to 2,500 words. U.S. English once had 20,000 words although I've read that we're down to about 12,000 now.
We really wanted to talk so I simplified my sentences to about half of what I normally say. She tried English words she had never spoken before but they had Spanish type rolled R's and her vowels were sometimes the wrong pronunciation, or she'd put a noun before the verb where that's backward. She was attempting with all her power to utter what she had read but never spoken. Once I turned toward her with a smile when we were alone in my hotel and said, "Whaaaaat?" with an upward rise of my voice and she thought that was the funniest thing she'd ever heard. So that became our personal code when one of us didn't understand the other and she started doing the "Whazaat?" to me and laughing when she did it. We had a hilarious time talking to each other then because it "broke the ice" and let us relax. Their music is a lot of American hits. So we could sing songs together. She could sing American words but had never spoken them.
The most important thing I said, and did so 4 hours after we met, and she understood immediately, was, "I've waited for eight months to kiss you and I don't want to wait anymore. Can I do that now?" She nodded yes eagerly, we wrapped our arms around each other and fell back onto the foot of my bed and that was the beginning of our forever together.
If I had let her lack of English stop me it would have been the sorriest thing I ever did in my life. We many times communicated with facial expressions, smiles, touches, looking into each others' eyes, and showing things to each other instead of speaking them. I think some of what happened as time went on is that I LEARNED TO UNDERSTAND HER ENGLISH and began speaking less words as she learned to understand more American English words.
Even today there are people who aren't accustomed to my wife's accent and don't get some of her words. She has learned to look at me when we both know what they didn't understand and then I repeat the word in plain mid-western U.S. English and they get it.
So what I'm saying is that not speaking English well shouldn't necessarily be something to get hung up about. They are not switching from sign-based Japanese chicken scratchings to English. It's regular A-Z letters creating different words than ours that have some Spanish mixed in. Whether she wants to, and will try hard, to learn to speak good English is what really counts - and whether you're willing to adapt to her accent that she'll always have to one degree or another.
Your previous wife was Japanese and apparently didn't learn English well enough for you. She could have, but apparently didn't think it necessary. There are Japanese and Chinese everywhere in the U.S. who talk English so good you'd think they were born here but they weren't.
Back to the list: You probably don't want #3 who put up an effortless profile for fun because that indicates not being truly serious.
You probably should not be concerned about #4 just because she is cautious. How is your profile? Did you go into deep detail about what you want in a candidate, what you expect from the one you pick, what your intentions are, whether you drink and smoke, that you know how to love and want to find deep love like yours, etc.? If you didn't and remained cool and collected, why would you expect her to throw caution to the wind?
Now, about education of city versus country girls. Don't assume because they live the rural life that they're uneducated. That's not always true. City girls are poor too and many come from rural areas into the city to get their education. Country girl may have gone to the city and got an education then went back home to be with her family. There isn't really a correlation between city/country and educated/dumb. Educated also doesn't mean better English.
My wife lived on a farm but she had been to college for computer science but was only in it for slightly less than a year before going home. Her brother was sent to theological school and did missionary work for the Mormons for a couple years before he came back home, we bought him a motorcycle taxi sidecar, and he started his own little business. My wife's little sister who died of leukemia in 2008 was the best student in her class with a 4.0+ GPA and was going to college for a bachelor degree with our help in 2009 if she hadn't gotten sick in 2007.
The only correlation I've seen with city versus country is that there is more chance of scam artists in the city funding their educations and living expenses from Internet suitors because they have Internet available all day every day.
My wife has called me "Hon" ever since I got home from my first trip over there, so yes, it's common.
Yahoo IM or Skype is so they can see you and learn if you look like your picture and are nice or not. They aren't psychologists so they must identify you with your facial expressions and personality on webcam. If you wave your genitals at the camera they learn not to talk to you anymore. If you're nice and courteous then your chances are good.
In reality you should want this from them as well. There are profile photos of famous Filipina actresses posted by con artists but you don't know that until you see them in person eventually after sending them money several times. An immediate requests to call them on their cell phone is what I didn't like because that seems to be a scam so you hear their sweet voice and get addicted to hearing it daily. Con artists rely on addiction before you have time to learn the truth about them.
Hope this helps. Write any time.
djbuett on October 14, 2014:
Marcos...sorry to bother you again, but am not sure who else to ask this stuff to...Just a few questions about FC....Why do some girls not carefully/thoughtfully fill out the profile? If this is as important as they claim it is, you'd think a few extra minutes to complete it would give them "better odds". Secondly I have been thinking about the whole province girl/city girl thing and lean a bit towards a bit more educated girl who I could have conversations with and who can speak decent english...My wife (God rest her soul) never went to college, and that, combined with her english (being japanese you remember) always made communication difficult...Thirdly, I have gotten over my paranoia with regards to girls calling me "dear" or "honey" and remember that a good part of that is the culture...My Japanese wife never called me either one of those in the 30+ years we knew each other, and here is a cute little Filipina calling me that in the email...heh heh....and finally, why do some girls want to give me their yahoo or skype account straight away? Is this some kind of warning sign that they don't want the prying eyes of the FC administrators policing them (something I am grateful for)?..thanks.........djbuett
ps-...ended up buying Sibelius for my son
Yuri Sincero from Cebu City on October 09, 2014:
Thank you for your previous responds :-) I am now in the US and about to get married to my fiancé. You can contact my by email. email@example.com. Thank you for listening to me it made me feel better. Btw, I would like to suggest about your post. I think it would look better if you split it into different articles or make a website out of it. You can also try blogger.com it is under google. Your writings are very informative and are worth sharing. I wil also share it in gplus so others can read it.
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on October 09, 2014:
Talking with RNs and doctors can be alright because you know they have their own incomes and aren't just trying to scam you for support. My friend in Michigan married a 38 year old who was working in a factory in her home town and it worked out well for him. She never asked him for money, phones, gifts, or anything but after a while he felt secure enough with her that he did send her these things without her asking.
One note about RNs and doctors though... they would make 10 to 20X as much in the U.S. as they do there, so a variation on a scam could be that a professional candidate like that might want to get here to make the big bucks by marrying you, get divorced, then have plentiful income to live on here as they save up a ton of money from their good job and finally move back for "retirement" in their homeland with enough saved to be considered wealthy or upper middle class over there. That's not to say they all do that, but it's a variation you should be aware of and watch out for.
The friend in Michigan previously corresponded with, and went over to visit, a teacher who flew to different islands and was a type of regional supervisor. My impression was that she was visiting schools to assess their performance and progress and reporting to the government's education department. He thought she would be a good choice because she was doing well for herself in that field but it turned out she was wanting to come here to make $45,000 a year instead of the $5,000 she was getting there. She asked too many questions about the teaching profession here and very little about him and his situation in life. So be careful about that with nurses and doctors too but don't just throw them away without testing the waters first. They may be perfectly honest and truly wanting an American husband. If they have pride in their position in life they'd also be offended if you made your doubts and questioning obvious. So it's a delicate balance.
As for cutting them off when they haven't been active for a week, that's probably not a good idea. If you have written to them and they didn't answer you, after you know they were online since you wrote, then you can be fairly confident that they aren't interested and cut them.
If they haven't been active for a while, let's say a month or more, you can conclude they've started a relationship via regular email with someone else and no longer are visiting the site looking for more contacts. When a girl is corresponding with a guy she is most times smart enough to know better than to go online because he's watching to see if she's still fishing while supposedly getting serious with him. She may also have a friend go online and check to see if he's been online fishing while supposedly getting serious with her.
If they haven't been on the site for just a week, that's too short because it doesn't really tell you anything. They may have found someone they're communicating with but they also may have been too busy, or working many hours, or it's the monsoon rainy season and they can't safely take a bus to the city because the roads are flooding or washed out - any number of possibilities. So I wouldn't give up after a week of no reply, unless you've seen that they've been online once or more since you wrote and they didn't respond. Then a week is enough.
Chopping any after two days? Not good. It isn't Instant Messenger. They have lives to lead too and many times much harder lives than we have - truly multitasking to survive.
As I said somewhere on here, I emailed with my now-wife a couple times and then she vanished for over two weeks. I thought we were done and I'd said something wrong but it was just that it was harvest time, they had acres of corn to pick, bring it to the house 3/4 of a mile in an animal-drawn wagon, husk, and then shell it off the cobs - all done by the two parents and two daughters because the youngest boy and sister were going to high school all day and couldn't work in the fields. So the family was working every day from dawn until dusk. Her father forbid her to go to the city until the harvesting was over. If I had blown her off in a couple days or even a week, I would have lost the love of my life because of my impatience.
This courting process should be a relaxed and patient process with a lot of communication that lasts for months so you get to know each other well. If the girl is truly looking for a husband to be with forever, she wants to know about you, your background, your family, if you like pets, if you like kids, if you drink, if you smoke, if you drug, and if you this and if you that. If she's just looking for a hookup to get to the U.S. she'll start throwing out "love" and "commitment" type conversation too early. A good girl also isn't going to talk dirty or throw herself at you in a way that seems inappropriate or aggressive.
She'll be glad to tell you about her family, her life, etc. because you are hopefully going to eventually become part of her family. She never leaves her family. She is forever theirs and you become their relative too. If you aren't finding this openness in a candidate she isn't the one you want or she's shy about you feeling like you're a higher level of human than her because she's very poor until you convince her you aren't like that. You will take tiny steps to bring yourself closer to her gradually and she'll accept you taking those steps. She won't lurch toward you while gushing love comments.
My now-wife and I only used closings like "Your friend" or "Your new friend in the U.S." and things like that for about three months before I said that I had been having feelings growing in my heart for her and that my friendship and fondness was turning into love I couldn't deny and 'I love you' was something I had to say because it was real and too strong to conceal anymore.
Her reply was that she had been waiting to learn if I felt that way for her, and that she did too. She had been hoping (and praying) that I would say it and she was overjoyed when I did. She knew I was a good man with a good heart and I was what she was looking for but she was not in the least bit aggressive in pushing me toward loving her - not even coaxing me. Apparently that's not socially correct for a "good girl" and the man takes the lead when it's going to be a true relationship. Wow... that's the way it used to be in the U.S. 60 years ago!
As you say, it's hard to be patient and not rush into a mistake. When you consider yourself to be a mediocre looking guy, not ugly but not a movie star, and you have a young killer attractive girl saying goodnight to you sweetly, it's hard not to jump on a plane with an engagement ring in your pocket and go straight there after a week of emails. You'd be surprised how many guys are on a plane within a month or six weeks thinking they "just know" she's the one when in reality he knows nothing about her yet except that he's flattered that someone who looks like her could be interested in him so he better strike while the iron is hot .
There are so many beautiful Filipinas who are available and looking. Most don't think themselves to be pretty although they're knock outs. Yes, there's a faction who know they are attractive to foreigners and they use that as a marketing tool to scam men. But there are literally millions who are nice, beautiful, submissive, family oriented, moral, and praying for you to find them.
What I'm saying is that you don't have to follow the old U.S. standard of picking a candidate who is no more than 10 years younger than yourself. You don't have to lower your standards and take a mediocre-looking candidate because you don't consider yourself handsome enough for a beautiful one. You don't have to take on fatherhood of someone else's illegitimate child. You can find a ravishing beauty of any age you feel comfortable with and there are plenty with the family values, brains, energy, love, commitment, and morals that you want. The Philippines truly is a nation of millions of fabulous women to choose from without accepting less than what you deserve.
djbuett on October 08, 2014:
djbuett with an update...I have been on FC now for about 3 weeks. I have already had my hand slapped a couple times, one of my own doing and another, well she decided to recruit me for her network marketing scam within about three emails...The first one was a supposed girl who was working in China, but her info didn't line up and she started to talk about marriage way too soon. Rereading your posts to me and some of your other stuff has caused me to tweak my profile and search once again. I am backing off the "looking for a girl with a kid" thing for a while, because I am convinced that there are girls willing to relocate here without the need of having their own kids (remember I was "clipped"). I am also remembering your emphasis on the rural province girls. I have chatted with RNs from Cebu and a doctor from Makati, and thus have wandered off the reservation a bit. I have also lowered my age preference based on your advice and low and behold, there are some young ones who don't want kids....a bit tougher to find them but they are there....and finally, the most important thing: take your time!...If they are in a hurry to get a commitment from me I get nervous, but I also try not to get swept away with the emotion myself. Having a young nice looking girl wish me goodnight, is, well, nice....and one more thing....and here is a question for you. I have been deleting girls from the "interest/favorite" categories if I see they have not been active for a week or so....or I delete them if I email them and I do not hear from them after a couple days (now sometimes I see they were online in the meantime and didn't email me and that is different). Your description of the girls from the barrio reminds me that some of the rural girls have no internet access and need to go into the "big city" to get online....I am thinking I need to be patient with these, because I may be cutting out some good choices out of impatience....sound right to you?...thanks...
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on September 22, 2014:
Yes, they are very much into family and friends, Facebook, Selfies, etc. You'll find that the one you bring over here will be too. She will miss her family very much for the first year or so before she adjusts from the feeling of being on a "vacation in a different country" to a permanent mindset. That can be a tough changeover but the transition does take place eventually.
When my wife came over here, there wasn't any Facebook and MySpace was the big thing. When she was in the Philippines, she couldn't afford to go 45 minutes to the city by bus and spend family survival money for hourly Internet rates, so she wasn't into the social media in the slightest. If I hadn't found her when I did, in late December 2006, she had planned on cancelling her profile on Filipina Heart because she couldn't spend the time that should have been spent on farming tasks, nor spend the money for bus rides and Internet time, because times were lean and crops weren't plentiful that year.
As a matter of fact, her parents had ridden a bus 10 hours to the far south of their island to work on somebody else's farm by the hour to make money because their own crops weren't good.
Her and her sister were supposed to follow them down there in a couple weeks and I asked her not to go. Her parents were insisting because her and her sister would add 10,000 pesos to the amount they would earn in 6 weeks. I sent her 10,000 pesos (about $200 at the time) so the girls wouldn't go and they didn't.
The week before they were to leave, a bus on it's way down that long 10 hour road was hijacked by terrorists, robbed, and when a passenger called one of the terrorists "Sir" the terrorist said, "I don't like being called 'Sir'" and shot the guy in the head. Then they burned the bus as they escaped but most people got out alive yet burnt. So I was quite adamant that I didn't want her and her sister on that same route on a similar bus.
So what I'm saying is that she didn't have a social life. Her father wouldn't allow his daughters to dress provocatively. They had to be home before dark. Parties and clubs weren't out in the farm country. And they only got to go to a "disco" a couple times when they were 15 and 16 with their Father as chaperone. Her activities included going to school and working on the family farm. Visiting neighbors, going to her aunt's house a couple hours away by bus with her Mother and staying for a week or two during slow farm season. And that was about it.
It's very good that you'll be home with her a lot with the home business. I am too. When I was up in Michigan, I ran a retail store of my own but it was only about 100 feet from the apartment building that I also owned that we lived in. So she could come to my store any time, I could go home for an hour or two on a slow day, etc. We had some small stores and a grocery near us that she could walk to and drop by my store on the way home.
Now I do freelance photography in the daytime and only have to be away for no more than 3 hours a day before I do 3 to 4 hours of post editing at home. So we go out to eat, take our son to the park to play with other kids, etc. or just watch TV together or whatever, virtually every day as I can come in and out of my office whenever I feel like it.
When a friend of hers calls up to have a "married girls get-together" at one of their houses in the afternoon, I set my schedule around that and take her to it. They feed me some American food and I take it in a different room and watch TV while they eat a bunch of Philippine food that I can't endure, do karaoke, play bingo, talk and laugh so loud you can't even hear in most of the house, and then everybody leaves about 5 p.m. and we go home. The girls bring their pre-school kids and they all play together at the same time with all of them watching over all the kids. Occasionally there's another husband or two there but most work somewhere during the day and I may be the only one.
Then from time to time they have a real "party" on a weekend and all the husbands come with their wives. We end up splitting into all men and all women groups. We men compare notes, get to know each other, and how we met our wives, etc. while 10-20 of the Filipinas eat their seafood related foods, do karaoke, and go crazy with a party atmosphere.
We tried two area Filipino Associations and they were tired groups that consisted mostly of 60+ year old Filipinos - both men and women - while most everybody who were 40 and younger weren't attending because the Associations were operated by older ones who didn't make it any fun for a younger generation. Stuff happened like a DJ playing Tagalog swing big band music, or some old lady playing standards on a portable Yamaha or Casio keyboard with speakers in it and nobody young was be impressed by that and they bailed out on the picnics and parties because of it.
Your new bride will find Filipinas for herself actually. If she is into Facebook, she'll likely find some right in your own town that you don't even know about. We have about a dozen within 20 miles of here with the majority within 10 miles of here. And we have a few who are 30 miles from here that we don't see as often. We have friends in Wilmington NC, her sister in Columbus GA, her aunt out in Idaho, another aunt in Springfield MO, another aunt in Houston, about a dozen friends back up in MI where we were before, etc. On Facebook she has in excess of 100 acquaintances that really aren't real "friends" but they all talk together a lot.
How well she adapts to your friends and family depends on how outgoing she ends up being and how good your friends and family are about accepting her. Being open to talk and communicate is a good personality trait you should be looking for during your search anyway.
If they sit and stare at her like a bug in a bottle, she will withdraw. As she withdraws, they'll naturally withdraw, and then talk to each other about her as though she's not even there. That's what U.S. women do A LOT. Or they'll talk to you about her, across the front of her, as though she's not there. If they talk to her directly, have her come in the kitchen to help out, ask her questions like they're genuinely interested in her culture, don't make fun of her, and treat her like an equal, she'll blossom and join in. If they have a built-in mindset of her being one of those despised young "mail order brides" stealing U.S. men from U.S. women, or a "foreign gold digger just marrying you for your money (or just to get out of their country is another one)" you're going to have a lot of relationship problems between her and them because she'll be hurt by their attitudes.
You almost have to act as a moderator to keep other people in line and translate her conversations for them without making her feel stupid, for a while, as she settles into the U.S. and blossoms into a somewhat westernized personality after she better recognizes our cultural ways and learns how to deal with our people.
For example, my wife used to dress to the hilt, with heals, curled her hair, and wore jewelry like she was going to a really ritzy place when we were just going to the area shopping mall that isn't even a fancy new one. Here I am in T-shirt, jeans. and Croc shoes while she was max'd out.
After about 4 years of that, she finally relaxed and now wears shorts and a collared blouse, or a sun dress, with flip-flops. Many times she doesn't take her purse along nor wear jewelry except a silicone watch, and has her cell phone in a pocket. That's not to say she's turned into a slob or is sloppy because she still wears makeup and does her hair nicely, but the formality of her mall attire was too much in the U.S. but appropriate for the Philippines - and she finally realized that without any comment from me.
Anyway, hope that helps you as well!
DaveinIllinois on September 20, 2014:
Thanks for your very detailed and thoughtful answers to my questions. Once again you provided a lot of excellent information that I will put to use during my search for a Philippine wife.
One big thing that I've noticed about people from the Philippines is that what they're lacking in material possessions is made up in social connectedness. All of the gals that I've been talking to have facebook pages and I noticed by looking at all the photos that their lives are full of people—especially kids. Mom and dad, brothers, sisters, aunt's, uncles, cousins, family friends, school friends, church friends, nieces and nephews, you name it! They have lots of parties and family gatherings with food, karaoke and lots of fun. Everybody is friendly and smiling, seemingly having a great time, mugging for the camera and making funny faces. Is this how it was for your wife back home?
In comparison, my family here in the United States is pretty conservative. It is very small and I have just a few close friends that I see on a regular basis. I am concerned that if I bring a young fiancée to the U.S. that she would be bored to tears with my lifestyle and would miss her family and friends back home terribly. What do you think about this?
The one good thing about my situation is that I have a small business that I work from home so I wouldn't have to leave her home every day to go to a job and leave her alone. I checked and my area has a Philippine-American networking group which is actually over in St. Louis and that is about 20 minutes from where I live. They would provide a source of Filipino companionship and friendship through monthly meetings and events which I'm sure would help.
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on September 18, 2014:
3) I find it odd that you care so much about her financial future after your death when you are considering starting the marriage with a pre-nup so she doesn't have ownership of anything of yours from the get-go. If she owns everything you own during your marriage, you will leave her with savings and a paid off home to live in while she adjusts. She can have a part time job and survive quite nicely. Filipinas are survivors and many have experienced hardship far beyond anything we in the U.S. can imagine.
If you have high school and college kids, it should be their desire and responsibility to keep Mom alive by their sacrifices just like their Mom helped kept her parents alive in the Philippines by her sacrifices. As a mother she will teach them how family is everything and all important in their lives. So what you leave her upon your death, the place you leave her to live in after your death, her having some sort of job, and your kids helping her out, she should be just fine. If one of the kids is out of school and has a home of his own, he may ask her to come live with them, babysit for their children, and sell the house to put that money into savings along with the money you left her. Then she is set up with protection, security, a home, and money put away for a rainy day.
Remember, she's not going to be a U.S. westernized woman who has to have a $50 hair dresser and $25 pedicure every week so she can look perfect for her tennis lesson and bridge club before going to a $50 per person dinner wearing name brand clothing and a $900 purse, etc. She will always have her economical training in the back of her mind and be thrifty in her living arrangement - unless you've doused her with excessive lavish living so long that she is too accustomed to it and lost her frugal ways.
I'd recommend that you talk to a financial adviser about putting your money, investments, stocks, home, and everything in a trust that you and she are the benefactors of for as long as she is Mrs. DaveInIllinois. If she divorces you, she is no longer a beneficiary of the trust. Period. Have it arranged that she becomes the main beneficiary after your demise with written limitations on how much she can take out per year, how long she must keep the home before she can sell it, or maybe she can't sell the home without your-and-her kids approval, etc. Maybe your kids become the secondary beneficiaries who have no power to take out and spend money without her approval until her demise. They keep her in check and she keeps them in check so your life's work isn't squandered but is still available. You could also have life insurance that pays, upon your passing, into the trust she has access to but the access is limited to, let's say, no more than the governments current published poverty level - which right now is $30,000 per year or so. I don't know all the legalities of how that all works but you could then be sure she is taken care of later - but at the same time protect the assets by her needing to remain Mrs. DaveInIllinois.
I would think mostly in terms of protecting her from herself with this trust although it protects you while you're alive too. I hate to say it but a Filipina's concept of the worth of a dollar is skewed by having spent 3o to 50 times as many pesos to buy something as it would cost in dollars. It affects their financial judgment for a very long time when here in the U.S. My wife knows U.S. money and how to count it very well but she still thinks in terms of $2 (160 pesos currently) is no big deal for something I know isn't really worth 50 cents. She thinks something is $9 when it's really $9.99 which to me is $10. I don't complain about any of this to look like a cheapskate but I see it from her all the time. If I say a car is $6,000 she thinks that's not bad but she has no basis to make that judgment with, while I know the car is actually worth $4500. She also doesn't comprehend $6000 compared to let's say my having $1500 for a down payment and we'll have a loan for $4,500. She doesn't sense the ongoing burden of a $150 a month payment because she didn't have credit in her previous life. We Americans calculate and live with certain levels of financial burden but she and other Filipinas she knows are too care-free about spending when the whim hits them. My wife knows how to budget usually but if she sees a pair of shorts she likes for $15, she ends up shorting herself on something else she had planned on buying, so I have to watch over that. It's not that she's greedy and wants everything. She's an angel about that. But thinking long term about her budgeted amount and the short term purchases that might just take her over budget are not a strong point.
4) Yes, any foreigner coming to their country is considered quite a catch, especially if they flaunt their money around to seem larger than life and be impressive. Again, this goes back to what she's looking for, how much you've talked, what she's really looking for that you should be aware of, etc.
My wife doesn't compare me and my age to younger men. She doesn't even look at younger men or talk to them with more than a deadpan face. No flirtation, no nothing.
The only comparison she does is that she and her friends online, but not locally, tell each other about their lives, locations, homes, clothing, kids, and brag a bit about whatever their situation is. Some more than others. She has a friend who lives in a multi-million dollar home in Hawaii. She has a friend who lives in a 2-bedroom apartment with barely enough to cover the bills.
The friend in Hawaii acts like it's no big deal but isn't afraid to discuss their home and the view from it to kind of tease everybody about how good she has it. But then admits being lonely a lot because the husband spends a lot of time on the road for business. The friend in the 2-bedroom apartment chooses to talk about how she now has two part time jobs at two stores of an expensive sunglass chain. They like to brag about what they have but in a way that isn't awfully boastful. So my wife hears about how a friend in another state has a husband making $20,000 a month and owning 60 homes he rents. But that friend is jealous of my wife having a child and she wants one very badly. We have a nice little life where we're together a lot and her friend's husband is gone for very long hours every day, goes out on his fishing boat without her sometimes, plays poker with some men friend, etc.
You'll need to get over insecurity about yourself, your age, your financials, your everything - but you'll need to KNOW HER inside and out very well before you can do that.
5) No, I can't help you about other blogs because I don't read other blogs about Filipinas, etc. I write my blog from my experiences. Some people write their blogs based on what they opinionize, based on what they've been told, and things they've read in other blogs. There are professional bloggers on here who re-write info gathered from elsewhere. You'll notice there are no ads on my blog. That's because I'm not here for profit but only to be helpful. I just tell what worked for me in choosing my perfect angel. I tell what is working for me as I live with and have a child with my angel. I tell what she tells me about her own people, her family, what other girls she knew were doing, etc.
Thanks for writing. Hope this helps calm your mind in some ways but helps you to approach this adventure in a positive manner. Write any time. I'm always around.
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on September 18, 2014:
Hi there DaveInIllinois,
Thanks for the compliment about the blog. It's good to feel that I'm being helpful in a way that is understandable and organized. I haven't changed a word in years and it's still all completely valid info.
I'll answer your questions with corresponding numbers and you can compare back and forth between your comment and my response so that I don't waste space repeating what you said:
1) If you have chosen a good girl and know it, you don't need a prenup. Reverse the situation for a moment. You are the one who is found and courted by a potential spouse 10,000 miles away in Italy. The woman espouses her love for you and tells you that she wants a beautiful life together forever because you are the perfect person she has looked for all her life. She says you seem to be 100% compatible and she is overwhelmed with how your relationship is growing. She wants to move you to her country, let's say Italy, marry her, and she will provide you with a nice life, children, security, and safety forever with the money she has from her husband who died and left her plenty to live the rest of her life with. You are swept off your feet and know that this is exactly what you've been looking. You may even work for something to do, or go back to school and learn a whole new field you've always wanted to pursue. You are so happy and lay in bed at night dreaming about your future with this new love of your life who seems to be perfect. Your next email from her: "Oh by the way, I'll need you to sign a contract that says that nothing of mine will ever be yours and you'll have nothing to call your own. You'll be allowed to live in MY house with our children, drive my car, eat my food, and wear clothes I buy for you to wear, until I die then you and the kids will be thrown out. Does that affect your love for me, dear David, love of my life?" What would your next email to that Italian widow say?
My view is that if you don't know, that you know, that you know, that your fiancee isn't a gold digger and isn't going to shaft you for 50% of your house, you simply don't know her enough to marry her in the first place. If your conversations during courting haven't discussed her background, her family upbringing, her morals, what her family had to endure to make it through the hard times, what you have in common, etc. then you have missed out on all the fine details of her life that would allow you to trust her completely.
My brother and I had two corporations when I went to the Philippines to meet my fiancee the first time. Combined they were worth about $750,000 and my net worth was about $300,000 like yours. Between my first trip in 2006 and my second trip in 2007 to bring her here, my brother started insisting that he wanted me to get her to sign a pre-nup.
But I knew my wife-to-be's heart. I had listened to and heard about her mother and her sisters, and saw in-person how generous and loving they all were. They were so down-to-earth, family-oriented, and dedicated to fulfilling their roles in the family, that I knew my fiancee would be excellent and wasn't concerned with wealth. They didn't want to take me into town to buy stuff for them, or have a party I would have to pay for, or anything like that. They made a simple-for-me but all out overboard lunch for all of us but my girl told me on the way that they didn't have any meat for the lunch. So we stopped by a place where they were broasting whole chickens out near the road and I bought two of them for like $1 each and four 1-liter bottles of Coke. The family didn't ask me to, I just did it. They saw I was generous for them and I saw they were generous to me. Marrying my chosen life partner was a new family member joining their family. They checked me out as best they could. They asked me questions to learn about me. I wasn't just thought of as a foreign source of monetary gain when getting the family hooks into me by pawning their daughter off on me.
So I told my brother that no, I wouldn't make her sign a pre-nup. I told him I knew her well and that she would never do that to me. But I signed an agreement with him that at any time I deemed it necessary or desirable that I could sign all my shares of stock in our corporations over to him so he would have 100% control of the corporation and nobody else could be attach to my shares in any way.
Yes, I have an acquaintance who got burned that way. But he went online, saw one he openly admits was "hot" and started talking to her with shallow conversation. He started sending her money almost from the beginning after asking her to marry him and she said yes immediately. He worked in the excavation business as a heavy equipment operator, did long days, talked to her on the Internet about once a week for a few minutes, and paid an immigration lawyer to get her over here. When they met in person, he barely knew her. They got married, everything seemed good (at least to him) as he sexed her to death for about two weeks and then he went back to his job, working long hours, and she got a job. Since he had no clue what he should be experiencing, had no clue why she was too tired from working every night to be intimate any more, etc. they pretty much drifted apart. Long story short, she was getting a pretty handsome allowance from him, he bought her a new car to drive to work, she had her work income, no expenses to pay herself, and she was always asking for more money because she was broke. She said she was going to NYC to visit a friend but it ended up she had sent $25,000 to the Philippines over a year and a half, cleaned out his savings and checking accounts of almost $50,000 before leaving, and she flew directly to the Philippines instead of NYC. It turned out she had a boyfriend there even before meeting him, built them a new home in her home town, and her and the boyfriend were living high on the hog with this guys money. He had done exactly the opposite of what I recommend on this blog, got himself a crook, got stung badly, and it drained him of every dime he had. He outward acted like it wasn't a big deal but everybody knew he was broke except for his nice hourly wage that would eventually restore his savings. But what I'm getting at is that he didn't take the time to KNOW her before engaging her.
Your excellent candidate will not shy away from talking about her family and background. She will be happy that you care about her life and want to know about it. She may be shy about talking about her poor economical situation but if she trusts you, expects you to be her mate for life, and isn't just conning you, she'll eventually relax and tell you all because she'll recognize you don't look down on her. She wants to be treated equal, be your equal partner in life, be an equal parent with you for the children you may have, and be considered an equal human being - not a subordinate, a home care worker, a substitute parent to the kids you already have, or anything other than being side-by-side walking through your life together with equal everything.
That does not include a contractual agreement that she's potentially not worthy of your stuff and her stuff being shared 100%. It looks like this reply may require more than one posted comment.
2) My wife was 19 and a virgin when I met her so I could be pretty sure she wasn't married already. She also lived at home at her family's farm and had very little social life. She wasn't allowed out of the yard after dusk. Secondly, the Philippines does a records search to assure a candidate is not married before they'll issue a fiance visa. Thirdly, there is no divorce in the Philippines so women can't be married, then get divorced, to marry you. In rare instances, wealthier Filipinos can get their marriages annulled, such as celebrities, movie stars, politicians, etc. but normal people can't afford to do that.
Next comment section...
DaveinIllinois on September 18, 2014:
I hope that everything is working out well for you, and your wife and young son in Florida these days. I want to compliment you on how well written this blog is. I am a 51 year old man who is just beginning to embark on my search for a Filipino wife. I have a few questions that you haven't covered in your blog so I thought I would write in and ask.
1. I'm not a rich man but I do have a net worth of around $300,000 with approximately half of that being a $150,000 home that I own free and clear. I was wondering about getting a prenuptial agreement with the girl that I eventually choose to marry. What do you think about that? I'm afraid if I find a really good girl she might be offended at my request and dump me. The thing is, I've heard and read so many horror stories about men who've gone to the Philippines for wife, that despite all of their due diligence were burned by a bad experience.
2. Did you ever think about getting a CENOMAR (Certificate of No Marriage)? Or did you trust your wife enough when she told you she was single?
3. Since I'm talking to women who are between 20 and 25 years younger than me, I wonder what would become of my future wife financially after my death. In other words, it would be a great responsibility for me not only to provide for her financially during my life but the rest of her life which could be at least 25 years longer. I would hate to see her go through a significant financial hardship a after my passing, especially if we were to have one or more children in high school or college.
4. I've read that a white American man visiting the Philippines can be seen as quite a catch by the women in that country. However, once she comes to America her opinion of her American husband may not be as high after comparing me to all the other men that she sees on a daily basis, especially the younger ones. I'm afraid that no matter how well I would treat her she may end up with regrets that she didn't try to get a younger guy.
5. Finally, would you have links to any other blogs or websites that you have found to be informative regarding Filipino wives, Filipino dating or any other related topics.
Once again thanks on providing guys like me such a good and informative tutorial on something that is very important to me—finding a good Filipino wife.
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on September 04, 2014:
Whether a girl would be concerned about children or not is up to the individual girl. Meet some online and get to know one rather well so you can ask that question. If she wants them and you can't, then she'll stop talking with you or just flat out tell you. An honest Filipina has no qualms about saying what she feels about a major subjcct like that. If she doesn't care one way or the other, then you will still be talking after broaching that subject. I think your being clipped is pretty well the end of that subject for you anyway, although reversals can be successful but I understand it's expensive. I was never clipped so I don't know.
With my first wife, she had some internal digestive system problems, I think it was called IBS, that required micro-surgery and the doctor asked if she wanted to be clipped during the operation. We talked about that and she was 39 so we agreed that it would be a good thing. So after 20+ years of being on the pill we didn't need those anymore and I didn't like the idea of being clipped anyway. Even back then I wondered if one day I might want to have children, although I knew she wasn't a motherly type and wouldn't be a good one so it wouldn't be her as the mother of the children or child I might end up having. As it turned out, that's exactly what happened but much later in life than I ever would have imagined.
As for being 55 when you have a child, it's not a really big deal. It's a bigger deal to people who don't even know you than it is to you. I was 59 when our son was born. My wife's sister's husband was 69 when their son was born 6 months later. You get strange looks and people who tell you want a handsome grandson you have but if you're not a hot head and sensitive about it there's no problem. Then they realize the Asian young woman you're with couldn't possibly be your daughter and try to backtrack to pull their hoof out of their own mouth.
I sometimes feel that it will be a bit unfair to my son that when he graduates from high school I'll be 77 or 78 years old while his friends will likely have 45 year old parents but I hope he's the kind of kid that loves his parents enough that he's not embarrassed. But that's something we'll deal with when the time comes. If I have to, I'll stay hidden away during his graduation or other sensitive events where it might bother him. His mother, who will be about 46 at the time can be around with him in front of his friends. I don't think he's the kind of kid to do that to us but I'm willing to sacrifice to make him happy.
Anyway, as far as Finale goes, I had it once and while it was very powerful it was total overkill for the average musician like myself. At the time there were I think 5 to 7 instruction books that came with it that were each as big as a fat telephone book. My brother had a Bachelor's in Music Performance and he learned to use it quite well and even did some work for other musicians for a year or two but it was too much work for what people were willing to pay.
You didn't say whether your son is a trained classical or symphonic player who needs scores that are 10 or 11 staves tall with absolutely perfect transcription with the tied notes being the industry standard professional publisher's guide book method.
If he's a rock, blues, or jazz player for example it seems that Finale is WAY overkill. If Finale is still as expensive as it used to be, it's also WAY too expensive for anybody but publishers and symphonic composers, in my opinion. There's even a little software for $50 or less called PowerTracks that I believe will create sheet music from your MIDI sequence for you. It may not be perfect for sending to a music publishing firm but it's close.
For most players, using Finale instead of the less costly alternatives is similar to wanting to just record your voice and acoustic guitar on two tracks as a demo or for idea storage but you buy a $50,000 ProTools rig that can record 128 tracks, instead of a simple little Tascam 4-track for $149.
Technology has advanced to the point over recent years that sequencing software with a MIDI keyboard or MIDI'ized guitar played into it can score a song for you without ever having to touch or drag a single note - unless you make a mistake that needs to be fixed. Just play all the parts into different tracks and with a click or two it converts to sheet music. I haven't kept up with sequencing software but I'd suspect more than one has this ability.
For that matter you he could record his songs on a multi-track recorder and send only a carefully selected chosen few to a transcribing place who will use something like Finale to create the written version for you then you don't have to buy Finale - or anything else for that matter.
Copyrighting songs doesn't require sheet music either. You can copyright by using a recording of the song and just a word sheet. Copyrighting can be as simple as sending a recording and word sheet of the song to yourself through the USPS mail service so it is legally date stamped as to when it was received by USPS. Then you keep the envelope sealed and in a safety deposit box as proof of when you wrote it. This has held up in court many times over the years. Not the best method but an acceptable method.
In conclusion I hope any of this conversation helps and gives you things to think about. Don't deprive yourself of a great rest of your life by second guessing yourself concerning this children thing until you see if there are some young ladies out there who are willing to not have children. You may find some who themselves can't have children and don't feel like complete women because they are barren for one reason or another. If they're barren and you're barren, it's a perfect combination!
The general statement one can make that Filipinas are family oriented and motherly doesn't necessarily mean that every one of them is passionate about future children. Will a Filipina wife pull away from the husband when there is a child? Yes. Not so much that it destroys the relationship but a mother only has so much energy, ability to endure constant agitation from the child day and night, and hormones change after a child is born. After a day of changing diapers that smell like dried fish mixed with road kill, carrying a baby around until her back and side muscles hurt, cleaning up after a toddler, not even getting her own shower until 5 p.m., etc. the last thing on her mind is probably romance and an hour romp in the hay because you want to when she'd really like to just pass out and sleep for 2 days straight. Oddly enough I read somewhere recently that the husband of a couple who has a child loses up to 35% of his testosterone level very soon after the baby is born. Nobody knows why yet. Could it be that the female's hormones decrease and the husband's decrease in step with hers? Who knows.
Anyway, thanks for writing again. Feel free to write whenever you want.
djbuett on September 02, 2014:
You're right about not knowing for sure whether the father was "active or not". With regards to my Japanese wife, well I hesitate to state it in a public forum like this, but I have heard that I am not the only one to have experienced the following: My wife was a great wife until we had kids, then she became a mother mostly and less of a wife, and towards the end, not a wife at all. This of course was due in part to her sickness, but we drifted apart in so many ways. I am 55, been "snipped" and cannot find a vision for a start over life with babies et. al. And I would be sad for a young girl to be denied the opportunity to have her own kids because of my view on this. I have two adult aged kids and look forward to grandkids some day. Like I said, I would not mind helping to raise someone else's kid. A repentant person who made a mistake is not beyond the scope of my own life story, and I really do love kids...and indeed, I would have to carefully take into account the personality and character of said kid...but indeed you are right about that too, that there would be no guarantee he/she' d except me as a step dad.....And kudos to your advice about a province girl. We live out here in the country with chickens, fruit trees and a garden so she would feel right at home....thank you for a very great note...and btw my son is a musician and song writer and has lost his "finale" software. I had planned to buy him a new version (2014) but it has terrible reviews on Amazon...any advice about that?...best wishes..
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on September 01, 2014:
Hello Djbuett. Thanks for writing and congrats on having an Asian wife for 27 years. Sorry to hear about her passing. Before answering your questions, I'll ask one myself. Did you have a rich rewarding relationship with your Japanese wife or was there something wrong that you'd rather not have a second Japanese wife? It doesn't sound like your friend is happy with his.
But if you want to find a Filipina for marriage, I'd say there are things to consider before thinking about age, children, etc. First, I prefer a nice family-based wife from the province, which is their word for rural areas that are farm land, jungle, and small villages. Why do I say this? Because big city girls may be on a quest to become more westernized, to get a college degree, get a good job, get all the things they see in magazines and at the mall that they can't afford, plus have other negative characteristics that grow out of wanting what they see foreigners having. I admit this is a big generalization. It's certainly not true of all girls in the big cities but I believe the percentage of "international gold diggers" is higher in a big city where they have a decent lifestyle already but want to step up several notches - and that requires a foreigner to hook. Unfortunately some big city girls with access to high speed Internet make a business out of luring foreign men to send money. It's easy to get stung by them. Province girls who live frugally and barely survive don't have money or time to spend on Internet. So they post a profile, hope they'll get some replies before their next week's bus trip to the village where they get slow online connections and province farm girls don't speak English very well so they can't fluently con you.
We have 3 categories of older ladies, middle aged ladies, and young ladies. Personally, I prefer someone at least 20 years younger. Why? Because they have energy, enthusiasm, a positive outlook toward their potential new life, and just plain youthfulness. I didn't originally start out looking for a really young wife but it ended up that way. I set the search engine in FilipinaHeart to look for eligible candidates that were 35 to 45 like we are taught to choose in the U.S. - 10 to 20 years younger than myself. But the next time I went on the site, the search engine reset itself for 18 to 45. I have no idea why the lower number reset but the higher one didn't. Suddenly there were hundreds and hundreds of new potentials and the love of my life was in there. So I now have a Filipina wife that is 32 years younger than myself.
That caused her and I no problems because a young farm Filipina from the province is mature and has experienced a life that you and I can't understand and have not lived. That Filipina mind can be 15 years more mature than her chronological age. My wife tells me stories all the time about eating a cup of rice before school, having nothing to eat during school, and coming home late to another cup of rice with some vegetables and vegetable juice poured over it. She would sometimes stumble during the walk home from weakness. How does one live on two cups of rice per day? Virtually impossible unless you have a mango, banana, or coconut tree in the front yard. She once went to school with her mother's shoes on which were 5 sizes too big and the kids laughed at her but her own shoes were broken and worn out. The family couldn't afford shoes for her so she endured humiliation and it hurt her self-esteem badly. She dug through trash cans behind her school after the kids left to find broken stubs of crayons to take home because her family couldn't buy any. She had a friend in elementary school and they'd stop at the friend's house near the school because the girl's family always kept a bowl of fruit sitting on the kitchen table and it gave my sweetheart nourishment to grab a piece of fruit. She never received a Christmas or Birthday gift in all her life until meeting me. The list is endless. If the province candidate you find hasn't chosen to go bad to improve her own life (porn for cash, dancer/stripper/bar waitress, sexual favors for area older men, stealing, etc.), and is always more worried about the family's welfare than her own, then that candidate is FAR more likely to be a very good catch. She can have dreams of living in another country, marrying her Caucasian knight in shining armor, and hope and pray for a better life of security, plentiful food, and safety for herself so she can get a job and make money to send back to her immediate family, but those are all selfless, giving characteristics.
So to summarize your message - you have created categories of "young wife wanting children" and "younger lady with an out-of-wedlock kid from a irresponsible sperm donor" and "40ish aged lady with child." You "wouldn't mind" bringing over a girl with a child if there is no active father (but how do you know for sure?).
Let me ask some questions again. What is the advantage of a ""younger lady with an out-of-wedlock kid from a irresponsible sperm donor" versus a "younger lady (my replacement of the word girl) who wants to have children and likely has never been with a guy because she feared getting pregnant and ruining her life?
I see the one with child who has been with an irresponsible sperm donor as either someone who got tricked in love, someone who fell in love with a poor selection (on her part), someone who let her physical cravings overcome her logic and life plans, or someone who lived irresponsibly until having the baby and only then decided she desperately needs a life plan.
I see the young Filipina who wants to have children as being in control of herself, someone who waited to fall in love with Mr. Right instead of Mr. Wrong because she wrote herself a priority and characteristics checklist to find and assure he was Mr. Right before giving herself to him, someone who had a plan and didn't let her physical cravings overcome her chances of having a better future, and someone who lived responsibly as a member of a father-fearing family because fathers will throw their daughter out of the house permanently instead of being shamed by her indiscretions.
I'm also curious as to why you'd prefer a young wife with a child over a young wife who wants a child. The young candidate with child may have problems with it because the child is in a broken, or at least lopsided, home with no father figure during their formative years. The child may have substitute father figures like Grandpa, Uncle, neighbors, or other male figures who have a formative effect on the child's personality. I don't think that's beneficial but you may have a passion for trying to re-adjust a fatherless child's psychological state by becoming the permanent father figure. What if the child rejects you as the father figure because they remember their real father or prefer Grandpa and their Uncle "back home" that you took them away from? Then you have real problems. That's before even considering if the young mother is herself desperate, is actually still in contact with the father, or the father might even be living with her or nearby. She also may not know that you can't be married to the father and get a fiancee visa!
But if you have a new bride and you lovingly birth a child that is equally both of yours, the child is raised in a solid relationship and is, from birth, the center of both of your attentions. Psychologically adjusted, Loved by both. Isn't that better?
With a 40ish woman, she's possibly menopausal or past it and would be hard for her to get pregnant, so more kids are likely out of the picture. Maybe that's what you really want?
In conclusion, I believe our 4 year old son is Super Glue that binds us together more than ever before. Are you afraid of when he's graduating college at 21 and you're 76? Why? Or worried about what your grown children will say about Dad having a new infant to care for? Who cares what others think? If I did, I wouldn't have searched 10,450 miles away for love. Your life is YOUR life to enjoy any way you want - not theirs.
Hope this helps. Write back!
djbuett on September 01, 2014:
I just turned 55 and my Japanese wife of 27 years passed away from cancer. We just returned from a trip to Japan where we buried her ashes, myself and my two 20ish aged kids. While there a friend of mine said something stunning. I asked him what he thought I should do now, and he said (who is married to a Japanese) that I should look for a Filipino. I am no babe in the woods with regards to the people and culture, having dated a Filipino girl (while in college) for 6 years. She was from Negros and I visited there with her family way back in the 70s (when the old men would grab you and tell you they were in the resistance...they were in the death march). I also have an older brother married to a girl from Cebu, and she has offered to have her family be my "base camp" should I ever go there. Anyway I have a few observations about what you said and a question. I like your values, and was happy to hear your promoting the idea of going to visit "one" verses having a handful to "choose from". Believing in the golden rule prevents me from doing otherwise. My question, however, lies in the "category" of girl I should choose. I get nervous when I think about the prospects of starting over with a young wife who wants to have children. And, of course, I could date an older lady who was not interested in that....But what about the younger lady who has had an out of wedlock kid and the "sperm donor" is no where to be found? During my trip to Japan, I "went out" with a 40ish aged lady (an old student friend of mine that I met in the 90s while teaching English there) and she brought along her 7 year old daughter who was adorable. I found that I liked this set up....Though she was estranged from her husband, living with her mother, I could tell that hitching up with me was not in the cards, but this event awakened me to a surprising reality: I really wouldn't mind bringing a girl over and a child, assuming, of course that there is no active father. Do you think me off base here? Do you think it risky? I have heard some say that the young mothers are desperate....that unnerves me a bit. Thanks...djbuett
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on June 22, 2014:
Glad to hear from you again. I couldn't figure out how to just delete the parts you requested so I deleted both your message and my response so that the conversation is not visible any more.
I'm happy for you that you have finished your school, have a new fiance, and are getting on with life. Just be yourself, love as much as you possibly can with no reservation, have children who will make both of you happy, and be a trustworthy nice person for your husband.
You have nothing to prove to Americans, neither women nor men, so you don't need to become like them and it's better if you don't. Don't let U.S. advertising, TV shows, or envy of what others have, change you in any way. We husbands prefer that you don't change from what you are right now anyway! Don't try to lighten your skin, change your hair color, wear colored contact lenses, or anything that takes away from your natural Filipina beauty that your fiance loves about you.
I know nothing about him but don't let him abuse you in any way, neither verbally nor physically. It's not necessary, it's not the American way of most of our men, and if he does hurt you in any way - it's not worth it to try to endure. Life isn't long enough for mistreatment at the hands of someone else. You are a human being with equal rights to everyone else, deserve to live a life of security and love that we all look for in life, and don't forget that. If you are ever treated unequally by anybody, just turn your back, walk away, and don't speak to them again!
Do you know yet where you'll be living in the U.S.? When you get to the U.S. feel free to contact me here and tell me where you are. We can exchange emails and continue to talk occasionally. We're in Florida and you'll probably be in some other U.S. State but email and Yahoo messenger make it so you contact anybody anywhere anytime.
By the way, when you told your fiance you didn't want him to send money, you did a good thing for building his trust in you. He then did a good thing by telling you it's not wrong for a fiance to receive money from her soon to be lifelong partner. This sounds like a good relationship starting out with honesty and trust between you two.
Keep in contact and tell me how you're doing! Bye.
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on February 01, 2014:
Most of what you are asking is covered in my hub and in various additional text by me that are replies to questions and comments already asked.
There is no guarantee or assurance that you won't get stung by a con artist who is looking for money and a green card - no matter what country the girl is from. I've attempted to relay several ways to protect yourself and you should heed those and read them again carefully.
Learning whether you are talking with a con artist is a psychological game plus remembering details she tells you during your communications. A con artist will prey upon your weaknesses, such as a desire for sex that you don't get enough of, the desire to have a young wife when you're not young yourself, the desire to have a beautiful young wife to show off to your friends, a desire for true love that you haven't been able to find, or whatever. A con artist knows what tools she has available to manipulate you and she'll mess with your head until she finds what you are wanting from her (it doesn't take much effort for men to spill it) then work that to the max. They'll use some technique of drawing away from you - maybe showing a lack of interest, or faining some disease that is supposedly going to harm or kill her that must be repaired quickly by your money paying the doctor bills. As a fisherman you want to reel that one, maybe "THE" one, back in because that's the nature of a man. So you try harder and give more and she tugs on the string again and again to reel you in instead of you reeling her in. What she tells you from then on also may change to hone and maximize her "sting" potential. That's why you must watch for variations in her conversations where she contradicts herself even in the slightest. Don't tell her she is, just listen and read carefully and take note of contradictions or lies. One girl told me she had a small hole in her heart that required medication because she had been to the doctor but she couldn't afford the prescription. I asked what it was called. She apparently didn't know I could look it up on Google easily. She had to pay for Internet Cafe time and apparently never did research there. It turned out to be a Chinese herb for minor intestinal problems that is available over the counter for about $2.00 a pound and she wanted me to send her $40 to fill it as a "heart hole" life-saving prescription.
Another point is that you are wanting to enter a Fil/Am relationship or Asian/American relationship. Notice that Fil and Asian are first and American is secondary. If you want a happy and loving Asian wife you are going to be effectively joining her family and becoming a responsible member of it - not taking her away from it. You will never isolate a Filipina (or most any other Asian female for that matter) from her family and her not expect to continue to help them financially either through her working or through your financial contribution monthly. She may live 10,000 miles from them but their family bond is as strong as if you lived in the same house and will never be broken.
If that concerns you and you believe you're going to refuse to help them monetarily, don't even start a relationship with the intention of marrying one because you will be considered a lowly cheapskate by her whole family, she will get hit with criticisms from their side for marrying such a self-centered inhumane creature, and she'll continue to bring the subject up all the time so that you either agree to help "your new family" or you'll be arguing all the time - thus ruining the relationship, pushing her away from you, and you have destroyed the closeness you were hoping to have for the rest of your life. You are either part of her family or an outsider... it's your choice.
That doesn't mean her family should get $1000 a month out of you but you and your wife will likely send $100 a month to a conservative non-greedy small family "back home," also pay for various real valid medical bills or dental bills they can't afford (although these are dirt cheap services compared to the U.S), send big LBC boxes full of food staples and clothing by cargo ship , and buy gifts or send bonus money for each of them on major holidays. I have friends who send $100, $200, and even $400 a month depending on their budgets and how many family members are in need of financial help there. We're currently at $100 a month but my wife's sister in Georgia sends money over there too.
There are also good Filipina girls who know their families are taking advantage of her (their daughter) married to a "rich" American (the common mindset there is that we're all rich) but she will let them do so because she has been engrained since birth to feel guilty to her core if she doesn't help support them at whatever level they tell her is appropriate. We have a friend with that problem and she just can't let herself recognize that her mother is a greedy bitch making up stories to get more money sent to her for wasting and Papa's and brother's alcohol - sometimes even use the same lame story more than once. Our friend and her husband argue about it regularly but he sends a reasonable amount and refuses to send what is requested because he knows what's going on. She cries a lot because of being torn between allegiance to them and to her husband.
My wife now has a little Internet business she does from the kitchen table and earns money to supply her family although she and her sister in Georgia have paid $1000 for her mother to have breast surgery once already and she needs surgery again soon which will likely cost another $1000. We and her sister/husband paid to have a concrete house with metal roof built for her mother a few years ago after their mother and father broke up. We bought her brother a sidecar for his motorcycle so he could have a motorcycle taxi to make money for their living expenses. She and her sister bought furniture for their mother in November although it wasn't requested. My wife also takes pride in earning the money to pay for these things for her family. That doesn't mean all Filipinas want to work to earn money to send though. Some will just expect you to make it part of your family budget. You will help out or you are responsible for ruining your relationship. A good Filipina will realize how tight your budget is and that you don't have tons of money laying around so she won't expect excess amounts to be sent but you are now part of her family.
Concerning age difference, you'll find that it won't bother farm girls from the "province" and they respect age but city girls following clothing fads, are party people, supposedly drink only socially, and ask you about the availability of clothing and accessories in the U.S. that they saw in major magazines are going to not be nearly as tolerant of the generation gap.
My wife is beautiful without makeup, had almost no used clothing that was modern, knew how to exist on a few pesos a day, and lived a very poor life without complaining but had simple and small hopes and dreams for her future. She had no shoes to go to school when younger, had one used purse, and her and her two sisters used each others clothes to have variety. Today she buys lots of replicas of name brand purses and watches, lots of nice shoes that are inexpensive, blouses that are on deep discount sale, etc. so that she has two dressers and two huge closets full of stuff to the point of bagging her old stuff and putting it in the garage. I don't begrudge her anything because she didn't have anything until I came along but I would if she was insisting on the real brand names which a city girl may because their goal is have the best brands of everything at your expense that they see in magazines.
In closing, Hubpages aren't forums where people exchange comments. Comments must be to me concerning my hub only, not back and forth exchanges between comment makers. If you want to leave an email here in another comment so that readers can contact you directly, I will approve that and let it be shown here in the comment section.
Thanks for writing.
MikeSeekingAsawa on February 01, 2014:
AMERICAN MAN CONSIDERING A SEARCH FOR A FILIPINA FOR LOVE AND MARRIAGE – HAVE SOME QUESTIONS...
Thank you for all the information above on finding a good Filipina for love and marriage! I just registered on this site because i am interested in pursuing this goal.
So, beyond the information in all the previous posts, can you comment further on the following issues. Anyone else who has been through the experience is asked to comment as well.
I am a 51 year old American man, divorced, interested in finding a loving Filipina for lifelong marriage. From what I have heard, I have some concerns and would invite anyone who has been through the experience or is otherwise in a position to offer solid advice to share their answers to some questions.
1) HIDDEN AGENDA OF MONEY & VISA - Other than the obvious, such as being directly asked by a Filipina for money/financial help, are there any signs that I could be on the lookout for that a prospective Filipina might be merely interested in money, financial help and visa instead of true love with a foreigner/American? (the concern that she might marry for these purposes, then later, after she has received financial help, as well as a “green card” for permanent legal residence here in USA, that she might initiate a divorce and alimony case, etc).
2) HER FAMILY MEMBERS’ EXPECTATIONS AND PRESSURE – Is there any effective and diplomatic way to deal with her family members’ possible financial expectations and to help them understand that our Western/American custom is not for a married couple to financially support the wife’s (or husband’s) family members and relatives? It’s not that I lack compassion, it’s that I simply lack the financial resources for supporting additional people beyond my prospective wife.
3) AGE DIFFERENCES - Again, I am 51. A younger Filipina would be preferable and I’m trying to figure out how much younger? Is it really true that "age doesn't matter" to some Filipina’s? My goal is definitely a quality marriage relationship of some depth with both parties finding real happiness. Even if you marry a much younger Filipina who says that age is not an issue for her, does that lead to problems down the road, in your own experience? What are the most difficult and problematic age-difference dynamics, in your opinion?
I would greatly appreciate any feedback on these issues and any other good advice anyone might have…
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on September 16, 2013:
The one being abused needs to realize it's abuse first, get sick of it, and decide to do something about it. We can't and won't tell her it's abuse because that's interfering and she might get mad about it. Currently she's submissive and allowing him to do anything because she thinks that's what she's supposed to do. Keep him happy and he'll treat her good in other ways, such as buying her things, having a multi-million dollar home to live in, boating and fishing in the ocean they live next to, traveling all over the country a lot, etc. It's not abuse I would tolerate for those benefits but until she's ready to look at it as abuse, she'll not want legal avenues to pursue.
On the one who got scammed: that was 5 years ago so I'm sure he's past all that now, and she's probably done it more to foreigners in other countries since then. Hard to say. He surely doesn't want retribution, he's likely humiliated and wants to forget the whole thing.
Good luck with Annie. It seems like you're on the right track and she's ideal for you. My wife and I are the best combination I could want and our handsome son is turning out highly intelligent, a nice personality, always wanting to please us, very loving and secure, and mostly self-disciplined except when he's very tired and starts acting up.
We're having a problem as I write this. It's possible my wife's mother has Dengue fever and has gone to the hospital today. It's either that or Hepatitis A that she would have gotten from her son but symptoms seem to be more like Dengue. Hepatitis A just burns itself out and there's no cure. Dengue can be dangerous or even lethal if it's not diagnosed and IV dextrose isn't used along with some other medications to keep the patient's blood pressure up for 10 days as the virus burns itself out. Her mother is also still recovering from having some benign tumors taken out of one breast and it still has pain and numbness that won't go away after 1 1/2 months of healing.
mistersteve54 on September 15, 2013:
Marco, I have to admit your post was very hard to read without me feeling sadness and anger at the same time regarding the degree in which this man sexually exploited/abused and down right neglected this lady.She needs to know there are legal avenues she can take that will help her out of this situation with minimal consequences to her. It was tough to read, I have to admit. Should he be found guilty I am sure he could never qualify again to file for another Filipina ever again. What a monster!
As far as the scammer goes, I don't know if that woman can be extradited back to the US to face charges of grand theft, as it basically boils down to. That poor guy needs to look into it, gather proof, and see if the crime is serious enough that the State Dept would be willing to take action to return her to the US to face a court of law.
These cases as you pointed out are extreme and rare but can happen if either party is too naive to what lies ahead in planning a life together.
I hope other men and women take heed to this and learn to take pause before getting into something they may with they never had.
But, as you have pointed out in your initial post it can be by far the most rewarding experience imaginable to find a true loving Filipina that will love you (in my opinion) in a way much more than most Western women would even be bothered to. I truly share with you the positive aspects of chosing the right filipina for a true life of love most men are really seeking.I love my Annie. She is so precious to me and we are as prepared as possible for our life ahead. I hope other men in a similar situation have gained some wisdom and understanding from your post, Marco. I also know if you are a good man, and and make a wise choice, chances are really, really good your life will be full of love and bliss. I know I have and may God continue to bless you (three now!!) for many years to come.
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on September 15, 2013:
All good points. Making your list of requirements before getting started is an excellent idea as long as you exercise your use of the list carefully so they don't feel interrogated like a criminal. I did that too but with somewhat different list points. I was very fortunate to pick the best of the best on my first real try and to not get stung by the cons. I don't remember if I mentioned it in my original hub but my minor in college was psychology. My professor said I was so good that I should consider a career in it but I went into electronics instead. Looking back, I should have followed his advice because electronics turned out to not be my cup of tea. I somehow have a keen ability to "read between the lines" and find out what people actually mean instead of just what they're implying they mean which many times isn't the truth.
That helped with Filipina dating site girls. Virtually none are sharp in psychological trickery and are attempting to con clueless men who are easily fascinated by physical beauty and soon trapped by the cutesy love words the girls start using soon after meeting. Having read some hub-like posts about what to expect, knowing what I wanted, and making my list, I could see through the cons pretty easily. I'd swear there's a "How to Con Foreigners Online" handbook available in the Philippines because almost every con used precisely the same methods with just slight variation.
I met only two girls online who were not cons but I wasn't searching very long. One is my now wife and another, Mary Rose, was a college girl working her way through a religious-based nursing college. She just liked to talk with me, ask advice, feel emotional support when she was down, and be friends. She was beautiful but very simple and was not on a quest to get money out of me nor get married. The subjects never came up. I nudged toward romance a few times by talking about us being really good friends and needing to get to know each other much better, ended e-mails with "Love You" some times, etc. but she never took the bait. She didn't have a boyfriend, she wasn't lesbian, she wasn't dating, and was just going to school, doing her heavy homework, working in a kitchen at the school for tuition and living expenses, and that was it. Later, after my wife and I were married, Mary Rose popped up in my Yahoo IM and we talked a little while. She had graduated, got a good job with hopes of promotions and more education, and moved to another part of the country - still not married and without boyfriend. As the conversation went on, I told her that I had tried to be romantic toward her several times and that she didn't respond. I told her that she and I could be married now and she would be here in the U.S. with me. She was shocked and I think a little bummed out because it had not entered her mind back then. What I'm saying is that there are good girls online who are not con artists and aren't even there for finding a husband. My psychological background and my list of requirements constantly proved to me she was not a con and I was right. Then it worked well for my conversations with my now wife too.
I'm not sure I believe the 20% Fil-Am divorce rate statistic. I think it's a bit high because most Filipinas are anti-divorce from their Roman Catholic upbringing. If it's true, I have to say it's still much better than the 50% American-American divorce rate.
I am only aware of a very few divorced Filipinas in my area. My wife reads a Facebook page where Filipinas come and talk about their marriages anonymously. In most every case, the wife is abused somehow and she couldn't tolerate it anymore. Even then she tolerated it for longer than she should have until friends encouraged her to bail out. There is even an underground Filipina Rescue network in the U.S. that I just learned about. Typically it's the husband being gone all the time with friends, coming home just in time while drunk or buzzed to have some abusive self-serving sex (notice I didn't use the word lovemaking), and then going back to work the next day and doing the same thing the next night. Plus complaining the house isn't spotless when he is home. Thus she is being treated as an object/slave and not a real human being and getting almost no companionship or love. I've even heard of men bringing a friend or two home to gang sex the wife and she's supposed to be submissive and like it.
Other men expect a mother for their kids from a previous marriage who don't want her replacing their mother. He treats her as a maid, housekeeper, and babysitter with fringe sex benefits.
Many American men tend to treat Asian women as lesser than themselves, misinterpret submissiveness as a weakness to be exploited, and use them like licensed workhorses and masturbation holes. I quickly recognize that male attitude even when I meet a couple at a get-together, party, or picnic. We know a couple where the guy had been unmarried and rich for a very long time until he found her. He gave her dreams of a wealthy and dream come true lifestyle. But he refuses to have children with her, she has almost no social contact outside of home except my wife by phone because she and my wife were friends before she came to the U.S., and he abuses her with anal sex every night and waking her for oral sex on him every morning, rarely having regular sex even when she asks. He's gone 15 hours a day or more, plays poker with drunk friends every week, eats out by himself while she eats steamed broccoli and bottled water at home and he complains she's fat. She's tolerant of this to submissively make him happy but privately asks my wife if I demand that from her which I would never. She wants to know if her life is the norm and it isn't. My wife will never be forced into anything she doesn't want because she is my equal, soul mate, and life partner. She gets and eats anything she asks for too. That's not to say she is opposed to sexual experimentation if she's interested but she's never forced into anything and our lives are equal and we love being together 24/7.
While I read of biased men talking of Filipinas who come to the U.S. and run off as soon as possible, I've only ever known of two. One ran from an alcoholic who beat her within 6 months of getting here but is now remarried with two children to a non-alcholic non-beater. The other was a classic example of scammer on a very nice guy. She got a job, kept all her pay and sent it to a bank account in the Philippines supposed to support her family but she was actually saving it. Her husband bought her everything including car and gave her an allowance on top of her pay which she also saved. She took a trip from Illinois to NYC one weekend (he paid for that too) to "visit a friend," drained their joint bank accounts without his knowledge, and was to come back Monday but flew to the Philippines instead and never returned. He estimates she had a total of about $60,000 as she landed in the Philippines plus what she had saved in the bank there. He rightfully divorced her and her green card was revoked. Later he found out she had a boyfriend living in a nice house she had built in the Philippines and she flew there to join him with enough money to live well for 6 to 7 years.
I'm just saying the ratio seems to be more husband at fault than wife at fault from what I have experienced. The husbands at fault, of course, blame the wives for being uncooperative. And the husbands of the wives actually at fault also blame the wives because the wives shafted them. That can skew the statistics badly.
If one has the skills of picking a good one based on real knowledge of them, and not just choosing for appearance and sexiness, I don't believe there are a lot of scammers who can overcome knowledge. Your Annie doesn't seem to be like that and my wife certainly isn't.
Write back any time!
mistersteve54 on September 15, 2013:
Thank you Marco. That's information I will never find anywhere-a virtual start up manual. I have made notes and included some key points you have raised here. This is helping me a lot. Thank you for that time spent doing that. It's common sense in most aspects now that I read it and also, I understand each couple is different, so some things depend on your own particular circumstances. You were able to point out the likely commonalities and hopefully others can gain from that advice who are in the same boat.
Let me say also if I may Marco, it was quite the rocky road getting to Annie and I was not going to settle for less. I could go on for hours about my search and share some real horror stories. Hindsight is 20-20 as they say. If we were neighbors I'd be on your deck with an ice tea (or 10-ha ha) at dawn talking to you till dusk about that rough road before I met Annie. In that sense I think I could write a manual lol.
I have great respect for those that warn others as to potential pitfalls as their intentions are noble in their cause. Men should take heed of those warnings before setting out into a fantasy land that may only end in heartbreak or much worse. However, based on a lot personal experience and being a good judge of character a search can be successful but needs to have a specific plan tailored to what you are looking for if your goal is a life long (filipina) partner. Your strategy was a good one on how you did it, Marco and now you are rewarded because you put thought behind it and played your cards right.
For me, as a goal to get engaged and married to a filipina I finally decided to get smart and put together what I called my "Rules of Engagement". (catchy term huh-lol). This is - like you - a set of requirements which all must be met with this large pool of women.
-she had to be middle class by Philippine standards
-she had to ask me the tough questions
-her family would also have to be skeptical of me and my intentions
-she had to have transparency about her past
-she had to be able to satisfy my curiosity about her past and not feel as if I was intruding into her private life. This is not being overly pressing-this is critical info when dealing with a LDR and a future life together
-not only did she have to demonstrate a conservative life style she had to exercise mature thinking
-she cannot by mysteriously unaccounted for or demonstrate patterns of mystery
Annie was all these and more. We even talked extensively about the cultural impact we foresee and how best to deal with it as a couple so we are minimizing these issues as they come up later on. I also like the fact that both her and her family will openly talk about negative aspects of some Filipina's, their intentions, and the shameful thought that the parasitic behavior is engrained in many of their minds. They have made it clear that we have a marriage-it's our's-and that's that-just like the other 8 siblings in the family have their own marriages. Annie makes it clear that the motivator for all this comes down to love-as with me-and as it should be.
Lastly, I will add that I have found 3 loose sources showing that 20% of Philippines and US marriages end in divorce. If half of these are the men's fault and half women's fault..as best as I can summize about 10% of women coming here are bad apples and 90% are not. This obviously is open for debate depending on your position with Phil/AM marriages. Men, be smart, because you may become prey. Take your time finding the right one, and take your time knowing her as well with your own smart rules of engagement. Be patient and don't let their beauty be a veil to something evil. For those type, you will need to be fearless in ending whatever you started for the sake of your future. Success is knowing the road ahead as clearly as possible, I believe. I really hope I stayed on topic here, Marco and you are an inspiration to so many of us. Thanks again.
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on September 14, 2013:
Congrats! You got a good one. Sounds like you'll be quite happy. It's good that she comes from a family situation, not living by herself, and that they are financially stable.
As for tips about when she gets here, I'd say her major problem will be home sickness. She is going to miss both family and friends. My wife had home sickness for practically a year but she was also battling grief over her little sister having Leukemia and diagnosed that she would die no more than 9 months after my wife was over here with me. The whole thing was quite hard on her besides being in a different country. She drifted apart from me a little bit almost as though in the back of her mind she blamed me for keeping her away from her sister but she never said that. She went back to the Philippines for the funeral (her temporary green card was approved the morning after her sister died).
I would recommend being open and very available as much as possible for her to talk because you are now going to be replacing a whole family. If you currently work full time and do a part time job on top of it or spend time with your buds bowling or working on cars, you're going to need to stop as much of that as you can and become a house husband because of her home sickness and loneliness that she'll try to hide from you. You want to be her everything as much as you possibly can. She'll want to talk girly things so you'll be her sister or mother. She'll want to talk about how to fit into your country so you'll be her mentor or brother or father figure sometimes. She'll be afraid of your foreign country for a while so you'll be her guardian and guide her concerning what is okay to do or allow in public and what isn't. Not do so in public so she's embarrassed but at home after she makes a blunder which won't be very big. She may be accustomed to smiling at or talking to anybody of either gender who passes her on the street, for example, but she doesn't know that someone on the street here may be a thief or rapist.
I got a Direct TV international dish and bought their Filipino package to get all the major channels and radio from the Philippines for the first two years but my wife eventually started watching her favorites on YouTube and other sites because she found out the programming coming to the U.S. on a dish was a day late getting here. Other Filipinas on MySpace and Facebook were talking about the day's soap opera events and she had just watched the day before's show and couldn't participate. After she found plenty of material online she said I could drop the dish channels so I did.
Another thing is to expect that she'll want to talk to her family on the phone. I use Startec and still do. My rate is below 10 cents a minute with no monthly fee now to Mindanao. The Vonage-type systems of the world try to convince you of their cheap rates but they're only introductory and double after a period of time so I don't use any of those. If her family has Internet, she and they can talk and see each other through Yahoo video chat or Skype, free or close to free. I also learned that if they have a land line phone, you can buy two MagicJack units here, have local phone numbers assigned to them, and send one over there for them to plug into their Internet with a land line phone connected to it and Magic Jack doesn't know the second unit is 10,000 miles away. All calls are then free. They think you're talking locally between your two units. You'll need some form of communication with her home that is really cheap or you'll be racking up $200 a month or more.
Find the best Asian food stores in your region, even if you need to drive an hour or more once in a while. She's going to want the same foods she's accustomed to but will also be open to your country's food. While there may not be many Philippine-specific products in the Asian stores, most of the spices, rices, vegetables, etc. from China, Thailand, Japan, etc. are very similar and she'll know what she wants. When I lived in MI we would drive up to Ann Arbor which was about 1 hour 10 minutes away, shop in a big Asian store and eat at a Chinese buffet next door, making a half day event out of it. We also had local smaller stores for weekly visits but it was something special for my wife to go to the big one even though she mostly bought the same things she buys at the local small stores with a few exceptions. It shows that you care about her culture and background. Try eating her foods with her although you may find some of them repulsive, like God-awful fish that smell like dirty baby diapers, still have the whole skeleton intact, and have eyes looking at you from the plate. But for the most part their dishes are typical pork, chicken, or beef with vegetables and Asian powdered sauce mixes. I've convinced my wife to buy nice lean pork loin, skinless boneless chicken breast, and beef stew meat for her dishes so that they are Americanized with lower fat content and no skin chunks or stray bone chunks to deal with.
Make sure she knows facts and details about your area and retains them. They don't have counties, townships, and other localized government systems like ours in the Philippines but they have similar systems with different names. When she understands the correlations between ours and theirs, she's get it quickly.
She's going to have trouble with the peso's value versus the dollar's value. Our coins are different from theirs but similar. We have pennies or cents and they have centavos. The problem is that when you go to a store in the Philippines you may spend several thousand pesos on a grocery trip but here we might spend $200. That ratio doesn't quite compute in their heads initially even though they know it's X pesos = $1. It just means that she'll look at a new pair of jeans and see $50, which isn't a good deal on them because others stores have the same for $25 but her mind will initially be thinking in pesos while looking at tags that are in dollars. She'll think, "Oh, 50 is a good price" which it would be if it was 50 pesos but it's not at $50.
Put a pile of change on the kitchen table, spread it out, tell her what each one is value-wise compared to the others, and then tell her a number like 75 cents and have her drag coins into a 75 cent pile. Show her various combinations that still equal 75 cents. She'll need this when shopping. My wife initially would hold out some coins to the cashier at our local grocery and let the girl pick the right ones for the first couple months. She also need to know how many coins equal $1 and the various combinations of coins that can get there.
If you're going to have her driving and have her own car, you need to show her about all the bad parts of town where the most crime occurs before letting her venture out on her own. She may feel embarrassed to learn driving from you while making mistakes so you may have to send her to a driver's training school to be able to pass her tests.
She's automatically programmed from birth to work at a paid job at all times but be careful about that. She will go get the lowest paid job in the area and think she's doing well because it seems to be much higher than she would make in the Philippines but you will know it's not and that living expenses are much higher here. I've also found that a sweet and kind Filipina will many times start to pick up feminist, bitchy, attitudes from female coworkers and her personality will change because she's around them a lot. Filipino people are born copiers and cloners so she will absorb everything from others. You may not enjoy the result of her working with a bunch of crabby gossiping women.
Hope any of that helps. Ask more specific questions if you like. Later!
mistersteve54 on September 14, 2013:
First off, sir, I would like to say if there was a required mentor ship class required by US men before applying for a K-1, you would be the one holding the classes as I see it. Your post is so conceptual and not jaded to a narrow opinion but gives one a broad spectrum to see what's ahead in choosing a wife. Well done!
I am engaged to a wonderful lady (Annie-all 4'9" of here-lol!) whom I will be going to get and bring back in November as she now has her K-1 visa (we are so excited!). I'd like to share a little about her but also seek some advice as well.
We have known each other about 11 months. We talk every day on Skype and she is always there for me. I am pretty sharp and can smell a fish a mile away. No funny business going on with her (or me for that matter). She's in her early 40's and I am in my early 50's. No kids (it's ok). Her family is well enough off that we don't have to worry about money issues (although I would help if needed-they are all so cool). I know at the start she was skeptical like too good to be true-and to me that was a positive - as she does not just "appease" me. We are are true solid couple. When she gets here I will teach her to drive, she can work if she wants-I have hotel connections for her. We're going to join a Filipino association, we both are Catholic so she will be a new Church member and beyond that take it as it comes.
Marco, she's coming to the US in 2 months. What details (however small) do you suggest I need to get to in preparing for this beautiful creature coming into my world-now our little home? I feel like I can't do enough in this area but not sure I have the bases covered. Also after she is her what will help her settle in. Any tricks or anything you suggest would be helpful. Thank you very much.
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on August 19, 2013:
Yes, I get notices when a comment is added and answer ASAP. Your goal is to look like a good catch. A good catch doesn't worry about taxi fare so pay it but let your girl do the fare negotiations because the driver will try to screw you 10X over if he can.
You're probably only talking about $40 total for the 2 hours each way round trip. She/they may take an air conditioned bus for most of the trip and get a taxi when they get to the city which would less (because they don't know if you're going to pay for it until you get there). I went 2 hours and 15 minutes to my fiancee's home and kept the taxi Mazda van and driver all day. That round trip cost was $80 total. You're spending $2000+ on this trip so what's $40 or so? When you go back to the airport you pay for the taxi to it and for her and/or her family to go back home so they have zero investment in you. You're investing in her - her family is not investing in you. Whether they have money and PaPa has a good job or not, you are the one wanting to take their daughter to a far away place and they need to see you as generous.
It's a good action on your part when you and she part at the airport that you give her some of your excess left over money to live on after you leave. Not a big deal of dragging $50 out of the dusty zippered bills folder of your wallet but have $200 or so folded together in your pants pocket and slip it into her hand in private as an implied gesture of saying - "You're my wife-to-be now and it's my responsibility to provide for your Internet time, lunches, transportation, clothes, etc. until I can get your paperwork done and you can come over to the U.S. so here's my first offering as your husband-to-be." Balance the way you do it so it doesn't look like you're implying - "It was nice meeting you and I really enjoyed violating your body repeatedly for several weeks. See you on the Internet later!
Never be boastfully excessive (which seems like an arrogant American looking down upon them and their life) but also not trivial about spending for them. When Dad proudly shows you his tools or hobby or karaoke system, act like you're really impressed so he gets an ego boost and he likes you for letting him be proud of what he works hard for. If you look like, "Why's this something special? Everybody in the U.S. has one of these!" he'll recognize your thoughts from your dumbfounded facial expression that may only last a few seconds.
If your girl spends time with you at your rental apartment (and that's the goal isn't it?) you buy plentiful food you can both like and eat out every chance you get. Two people can eat quite well on $7 or $8US in a nice place. There are also Jollibee's, KFC, McDonald's, Kenny Roger's Chicken, Pizza Hut, Pizza Inn, and other fast foods in the larger cities like Cebu so you don't have to eat seafood dishes with the eyes and whiskers still on. You and she can understand that you have different cultures and eat differently. Filipino private restaurants try to have American dishes on the menu like hamburgers and fried chicken. And some Filipino foods are just like we have here - fruit salads, beef with vegetable stew, noodle dishes, cakes, fried rice, etc. so you won't have to worry.
If you're at the family home to eat, make sure you take something special to eat each day that they normally don't have a lot of. Strawberries, big apples, black cherries, and other fruits we have here and they don't have daily are a good idea. Your girl will help you succeed at picking things they don't normally afford. Buy 50% more than you think is required so there's excess. Learn if they have abundant Coke or 7-Up at their home. If not, bring four or five 1 Liter bottles along because they may consider it a luxury to spend on soda pops. Look like you have plenty of cash on reserve to spend while doing it prudently and not excessively.
Ask her father if you can marry his daughter a few days after meeting before you propose to her and maybe even propose while at their home so the whole family can watch. Have her ring with you when you do. If he says yes, she says yes, and everybody's happy - take her to a big mall (maybe the next day) and let her pick out her wedding dress, ring pillow and veil and buy it for her. Prices will be higher in Cebu than they were for me in Cagayan de Oro but I paid $65 for my wife's whole wedding getup with all made in the Philippines which they like.
If she has a couple sisters or a sister and brother, have them come along to help your fiancee choose stuff she needs and buy them all a pair of jeans or something as a special gift for their participation - again, not to imply they can't afford it or that you're filthy rich but to imply you're generous to the immediate family of your chosen one.
I'd give them the gifts on the first day you go to their home and everybody is there eager to meet you. There will likely be extra cousins and aunts around so have excess gifts available so nobody gets left out. Maybe take two bags of bite size chocolate candies for the kids who will certainly be peeking in the doors and windows at you. Giving gifts at the airport or in the taxi would be like showing off. At home in private is better.
I would likely shake hands with everybody upon first meeting them (except your girlfriend, of course). Upon leaving on that first day, you could advance that to shoulder/upper torso polite hugs with the women and manly strong handshakes with the men and possibly a manly pat on the shoulder could be added. I wouldn't go farther than that other than maybe toward the end of your trip you could add a bye-bye cheek kiss for Mama. You might also want to learn a few choice Cebuano words for "I Love You" to your girl, "Thank you" to the family, "Bye Bye" for the family, and things like that which will make them feel like you're trying to fit in - even if they speak fluent English.
As far as the water goes, if they boil it during cooking you should be alright. If you're in the city, the Cebu water will be much cleaner than a point well or gravity fed spring at a farm. That's not to say Cebu water is perfect but it's certainly processed to eliminate much of the problems that affect foreigners. I'd keep 24 bottles of water in the refrigerator at your apartment and 24 bottles in the refrigerator at their home. They might suck your waters away while you're away from their home but don't complain, just buy another case. When you are part of their family, what's yours is theirs and what's theirs is yours except you're expected to be so generous that you give more to them than they give to you because you have more to give than they do. Make sure that everything you drink there is somehow bottled or canned such as water, soft drinks, beer, canned pop, Dole fruit juices in 6 ounce cans, etc. AND - don't use their ice cubes if you're not in the city because freezing amoebas doesn't kill them, only boiling does. Only use ice cubes made from your bottled water. Better safe than sorry. The time getting to know your girlfriend is very much destroyed by a Philippine version of Montezuma's Revenge that lasts the whole time you're there and all the way home on the plane.
Don't think because the father is a pipe fitter that he's making a lot of money. It's not like Journeyman Pipe Fitter wages in this country. He's still probably lucky to make $5,000US per year even if he's doing very well by their lower standards. It's not uncommon for a doctor to make $12,000 a year until they have an opportunity to come to the U.S. and make 15X as much per year.
Hope that helps. Write back if you like.
BruceInUtah on August 18, 2013:
Not sure if you're still responding to comments but here goes.
Your information is very helpful, I have a few questions.
1. I'll be flying to the Philippines for the first time, Cebu airport and my girl and her family will be taking a taxi to pick me up at the airport with no mention of me paying them back. They live in Naga City which she says is about 2 hours away. (She’s never asked for money and I’ve seen pictures of all her family and met her mother and sister on webcam too, my girl and I cam every evening for about an hour and half) She's going to look for an apartment for me to rent near where her family lives so we can all be together every day during my visit. I'm wondering if I should offer to re-imburse for the taxi to airport or just offer to pay for the taxi back to Naga City? Her father does have money but they’re not well off and her father currently isn’t working (he’s a pipefitter by trade, recently came back from working in Dubai for 3 years).
2. I'm planning to give her family gifts but wondering if it would be proper to give them the gifts in the airport, in the taxi or wait until I’m at their home? My girl is planning to cook for me when I’m at their home.
3. Are hugs acceptable the first time meeting a girl’s family or handshakes? I’m not sure about the culture there but all of her family knows about me and are very happy for both of us. In fact her mother invited me to come next month for their chapel’s fiest which runs from Sept 18 to 28 which I accepted and am flying in for.
4. Water, I’m planning to follow your advice and buy bottled water but what about the water used in cooking food, is that ok or should I ask if they can cook using bottled water to be safe? I would feel funny about that but I can always bring that subject up with my girl first if it isn’t safe.
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on April 14, 2013:
This comment is a reply to a poster named Just Call Me Joe. I have not allowed his post to appear, not because it is not informative in a few ways, but because of his false and crude attitude and statements concerning Filipinas in general. He considers himself an expert because of traveling there 40+ times but through analyzing what he stated, I consider him just a sexaholic womanizer who chronically abuses city-dwelling Filipinas in the Philippines and considers them all to be whores who can be bought for a price when you find out what the price is. I will not tolerate comments from readers with that view to be seen here. But my comments to Just Call Me Joe are:
1) K-3 Visas are nothing new. They've been around since before I met my now-wife. I have a friend who went that route and I did not recommend it when I created this hub years ago because my fiancee was here in U.S. in 8 months (that has been shortened to about 5 months now for some) but the one who tried a K-3 Visa after marrying in the Philippines took 3 years and 2 months. So you're not adding anything new.
2) Filipino men are not good catches according to Filipina girls - I've already said that and that's common knowledge. You're not adding anything with that either. Filipinas are also looking for foreign husbands in general - not just white ones. They look at Irish, English, Middle Eastern, Black (not preferred because of similarity to their own skin color), Canadian, Greek, or any other from a wide variety of countries including Japanese, Korean, and Chinese. My wife has friends here in the U.S. married to men of every one of these nationalities.
Comments you make that are completely nuts:
1) A Filipina virgin will sleep with you easily. What? If that were true, the virgin had no willpower to avoid con artists like you and she wouldn't have made it to that age and still be a virgin now would she? A virgin is one who controls her natural urges to have intercourse until the right man comes along with whom she can, and will, fall in love with and trust completely with her body. She has spent her life retaining virginity to give her gift to Mr. Right because she only has that gift to give once. She tries to be careful with it and save herself for "him." Unlike you, she was programmed from childhood to be as pure as possible for her one future mate. If you are in the Philippines conning virgins into thinking you are someone to love and marry, then you are the hormone-poisoned whore who should be ashamed of yourself for ruining women's lives, dreams of being special to her one husband, and her self-pride. Have you ever considered how much damage you have done in many lives for your own immoral few minutes of selfish gratification? No... I didn't think so.
2. Virgins want "it" but haven't been asked. What? Do you really think that a virgin who is pretty hasn't been asked, both nicely and rudely, 1,000 times by Filipino males? She is actually blessed to have escaped rape or gang rape since she was a pre-teen. Do you think she hasn't also been asked 100 times by foreign males other than you both in person and online? You have an egotistical image of yourself if you think your statement is true. Virgins certainly have just as high of a sex drive as a non-virgin (I can attest to that personally) but the main difference is that she knows how to keep her thighs shut while others are giving it away as bait to everybody who passes by, such as yourself. Your statement makes it clear that you have no clue what virginity is about or why it exists throughout the Philippines with females as old as 35 while it is practically non-existent in the U.S. with girls older than 11 years.
3) Every Filipina has a price... This is one that really torques me off. You are gutter trash no better than one of the guys on Trike Patrol making porn movies with poor ghetto girls from the streets of Manila. This perception of the general population of Filipinas nationwide is very skewed, offensive to the whole population, and completely wrong. My wife and her two sisters, as one example, had no price. They did not offer themselves on a platter for sexual abuse for any price. As a matter of fact, my now-wife wouldn't accept $100 for a doctor and quinine to cure her malaria when she was afflicted before we met in person. If her sister hadn't intervened and went to the city to pick up the money I sent by Western Union, my now-wife would have died rather than owe anybody anything that the family would need to repay after she was gone. They were all honorable and honest with no price attached and asked for nothing. If I had asked the price of any of the three sisters, I would have been shut down instantly and never heard another word from any of them. This is completely insulting and I resent your vulgar statement on behalf of their whole country.
4) Girls are Metro Manila are not looking for a foreigner. What? You have it reversed. You apparently don't realize that metro city girls are looking for a foreigner who has the money to buy them all the things they know Westerners have but they don't. You don't realize that metro girls sit in sweat shop phone centers answering sex phone lines. You don't realize there are more Internet Cafes in Manila than anywhere else in the country filled to overflowing with girls roaming the international dating sites day in and day out. Metro girls have access to satellite and cable TV, western magazines, western movies, etc. and see all the stuff they want but need a foreigner to "get" it for them. Metro-based girls are looking for a foreigner more than any other. Country girls feel trapped in their surroundings and fall victim to the depression of poverty, being surrounded by only Filipino drunken, gambling, womanizing men. They marry ones who seem to have some initiative to get ahead and then end up with a herd of kids and almost no food to survive. Metro-based girls are the ones running stings on foreigners on the Internet to cash in on the ones who will pay for naked pictures, send money for supposed health problems, etc. to buy nice clothes, makeup, purses, and conveniences. Some desperate girls move from the country (the province) to the city (ESPECIALLY Manila) to become dancers, escorts, or whatever they can to make money and have access to foreigners while others hold onto their self-respect and place their hopes in the hands of God instead of throwing themselves into the evils of city life.
Statements that prove you aren't looking for marriage at all but just use Filipina girls as sperm receptacles for recreation while destroying lives, hopes, dreams, and future relationships for as many as you can:
1) Your idea of speed dating to meet as many as you can,
2) Sleeping with virgins and non-virgins frequently,
3) Meeting 20 girls a day,
4) Passing your number around to every girl you see.
You and your misuse of the Filipino people disgust me. This hub is about finding a nice girl through a very selective methodology and eventually having a loving long-term marriage with one carefully selected candidate. - not about boning your way across a foreign country. You have no clue what any of that is about so I won't abide by your additions here. Go create your own hub where you can spew your hateful egotistical tips for whore scoring in foreign countries.
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on February 09, 2012:
Q about ring on the left hand: They would not be omitting the fact that they are married because when you're married in the Philippines, you can't divorced, and thus you can't become a fiancee of a foreigner to leave their country on a fiancee visa. I have three more comments on this. Sometimes my wife, even when we were still in the fiancee mode, would put her ring on the wrong hand (right side). She said that because she didn't want to lose the most expensive piece of jewelry she had ever had, she would take it off whenever doing laundry or anything else that had to do with hands in water, or during farm work, and then when she would put it back on, she'd just forget to put it on the correct hand because she was new to being a fiancee and had never before worried about which hand or wrist to put jewelry on. Secondly, I've heard that girls will sometimes put a ring, any ring, on her left hand to discourage Filipino men from trying to hit on them because they can say, "Oh no... I'm engaged." or, "Oh no, I'm married." Even girls in the U.S. do that. Thirdly, if you are on webcam with a prospective fiancee, ask her to raise her left hand off the table or in the air. It's possibly that her webcam is in mirror image mode and she actually has the ring on the right hand but she is backward to you.
Q about exchanging emails with a few: Go for it in the beginning. Don't send e-mails through the matchmaking site after the first contact though because they can watch your profile and see when you were last online or if you ARE online at the moment. If you are serious with one she will know you are communicating with others and she'll ask you to see if you are honest. You don't want to be dishonest with them so if you are asked if you are communicating with others, say yes, but only a couple others until you get serious with one, possibly her, and then you plan on shutting down your profile and focusing on just that one. If she is THE one, then do what you said and shut down your profile. Making it inactive is not the same as cancelling your membership.
Q on cultural differences. Surprisingly they are very westernized there and cultural differences were minor, at least in my case. If you can make yourself think back (you didn't say how old you are) or can read about our American culture in the 1950s and early 60's, that's what you're dealing with when you get a good girl from a good family. The family is tight and all work for the benefit of each other for survival. 90% of the country has strong Roman Catholic backgrounds (rigid Roman Catholic like Spain or England, not watered down Catholicism like the U.S.) Think in terms of the TV show, "The Waltons" or "Little House On The Prairie" where everybody worked at what they could for the family, got educations to better themselves, and struggled to make it.
But they also have Kenny Rogers Chicken, McDonald's, Pizza Hut, Shakey's Pizza, and other American chains, for example. Coke and Pepsi and even RC Cola. Proctor & Gamble products are big there. Colgate toothpaste. Going to a large grocery store there is a wild experience because you see cans and boxes with Tagalog language on them sitting right next to Palmolive soap products in English, or Philippines canned sardines right next to Chicken O' The Sea tuna cans in English. Target stores in the U.S. carry a lot of Philippine manufactured clothing. Major customer service companies and cell phone companies have call centers in the Philippines because many Filipinos speak excellent English, although I can always detect their accent no matter how good they are.
There are Hilton and Ramada hotels and other chains around Manila that you are familiar with. Their politicians vacation in Vegas and Disneyland. Most cars are Nissan, Toyota, and Mazda. In the days of WWII, there were probably a lot of cultural differences compared to today. But with public schools giving kids one or two English classes before they graduate, satellite TV being available in the bigger cities so they have MTV, VH1, and other U.S. channels, BBC, Australian TV, etc. they have clued into what's going on in western society and how to be similar to it - if they go into cities at all. If they don't go to cities at all, you wouldn't be talking to them in an Internet Cafe!
So what I'm saying is that cultural differences aren't as different as they used to be. You are expected to ask her father for her hand in marriage. You are expected to be respectful of them as though they are your exact equals, even if they live on a pig farm, because they have pride in what they've accomplished in life although it may be minor in your eyes. You don't EVER talk down to a Filipino or act like they are lower than you in any way. My wife's father had a Carabou (spelling might be wrong) which is essentially an oxen. It was his prize possession and he was proud to take me over to the river bed where the animal had sunk itself all the way down to its neck in the mud for coolness, and show it to me. I nodded favorably and smiled because he didn't speak English well. It cost me almost 5 times as much as the animal cost for my round trip to visit there. I had enough cash on me to buy two more of them but the animal was his John Deere tractor he had worked a year or more to buy. It was his cultivator, his plow, his load hauler, his everything for them to survive.
So I guess one must dramatically reduce your thinking concerning possessions and money when you are there. Wear simple clothing like jeans, T-shirts, polo shirts, no jewelry, and try to just fit in because as a foreigner you stick out VERY much to everybody who sees you. The less attention you draw, the better. I also don't recommend going out anywhere on your own without family members or at least your fiancee being with you. You're a sitting duck for getting scammed, robbed, or otherwise taken advantage of if you are alone.
Whatever the family offers you, accept it graciously and with clearly shown gratitude. The offering may seem trivial to you, but with the "think small" mindset you should maintain consistently, it should seem like the best thing you ever received.
Don't spend huge amounts of money on everybody while you're there. That's not saying you shouldn't spend anything but don't buy Uncle Vic a new fishing boat, Dad a new motorcycle, and Mom a new refrigerator and TV. If you do that, you have set yourself up to be bilked for many donations to their family cause monthly over the years because they'll think you are rich. Don't brag about anything and act like you're comfortable in life and their daughter will be safe, secure, and fed well, but not rich - even if you are.
Q Communication, direct/indirect: The Philippine people are gentle, mostly slow moving, and far more relaxed than city people here in the U.S. If you are a loud talker, they will think you are a boisterous westerner, kids will be scared of you, women will retract from you, and men will think you're an idiot. I'm 6'2" and large framed so I was usually 8, 10, or even 12" taller than most everybody. I was also wearing shoes that had 1.5" heels, and many times wore a hat that was 3 to 4" taller than the top of my head, so I came across as 6'5" or so tall. I intimidated most people physically but when I talked with people, they realized I am mild mannered, speak softly, and we immediately got along fine. My white skin and size and obviously being foreign was a thing of amazement to school children and even neighbors who hadn't seen a white person in person for years. So you'll get a lot of stares. Filipinos ARE more indirect and timid compared to westerners. It's not so much to keep emotions in check but to not get into conversations that could turn into arguments. Or not to get into conversations that could turn uncomfortable because the other conversationalist might ask them for something like food, to borrow something, or money. Westerners walk down a sidewalk full of street people, or through a grocery store, or standing in line at a fast food place, and ignore everybody so there is no uncomfortable conversati
danstephens on February 09, 2012:
Excellent post Marco, thanks for all the great info. I have a few follow on comments & questions.
I agree with your views on finding "the one"... out of 7 billion people on this spinning blue marble, we can rule out 25% as older than we're searching for, 25% as younger, then split that remaining 50% in half again for the gender of our choice which leaves us with approximately 1.75 billion women. As you spoke about, modern culture in the United States and the western world has certainly helped reduce that number even further, and yet we're supposed to find "the one" in a local bar or at our place of employment? Not only doubtful, but not very good odds.
Q: I found some Filipina's on the match making sites are wearing a ring on their left hand in their photos. Is this common for unmarried women to wear a ring on the ring finger of their left hand or do you think they're omitting some info from their profile?
You were able to narrow your choices on the match making site down to a single girl fairly quickly once you got a process in place. I took your advice and added many into the 'favorites' and now have been going back through them to narrow it down, but getting it to one might be difficult. I would agree with your advice, it needs to be narrowed to one by the time any intentions of making a trip to the Philippines is considered. But until then, do you think it would be ok to use the match making site to exchange emails with a few of them to find out more about them and narrow the field?
If you could impart some info to us on how you handled any cultural differences that came up, either with your spouse or her family, such as...
Q: COMMUNICATION, DIRECT vs. INDIRECT. I have read that because of the family structure and often having to live so tightly, the Philippine people are often very indirect in their communication in order to keep emotions in check and avoid problems. While Westerner's are often very direct in the way they speak with each other, often to the point now where being too direct can lead to altercations and even violence in our society. Were there communication issues?
Q: MONEY. As you said, most Westerner's are rich compared to the average Philippine wage. Did money issues come up with your spouse or her family?
Q: RELIGION. Have there been any religious issues?
Q: FOOD. For a picky eater like me, food would certainly be an issue. I have some Filipino friends here in the U.S. and damn, some of the stuff they eat couldn't be forced into my mouth at gunpoint! Have there been any food issues from either side?
Thanks again for your excellent post...
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on January 29, 2012:
Sorry to hear about your negative experiences. You generalize about all Filipinas though. Because you got burned, you assume that all will use you, take your money to support the family, and dump you. Because you got burned you assume that most educated Filipina girls have boyfriends. Because you got burned you assume no relationship is super solid.
I have to disagree though. While I'm sure there are plenty who do just that, and I talked to a few girls while finding my wife that I'm sure would, not all are looking for a scam victim to fund their families in luxury, and send money to their illicit boyfriends. My blog is actually about being careful to not get stung, so I warn men to be careful.
What you say about wanting to send funds back home is true, I won't deny it. My wife would like to send hundreds of dollars per month for her mother (Dad split four years ago), live-at-home brother, his wife, and their baby, so the family could live in Filipino-perceived luxury but she knows we don't have the financial capacity to do so. We bought her brother a sidecar for the motorcycle he bought for himself so he could have a taxi business but we only helped out - not buy the whole thing. It was the classic, "buy someone a fishing pole and they can eat forever but buy them a fish and they'll starve to death in a week" scenario. We helped but didn't give him a free ride. He now has two motorcycle taxis (he is paying for it completely himself) and it's what he does for a living.
A year and a half ago we shared the cost (with my wife's sister who now lives in Georgia U.S.) to equally pay for a concrete block and stucco house for the family, which cost us about $1500 each. We send $50 a month for food support (and her sister does too). If there is a medical emergency with the brother's baby or my wife's mother we will send a rush transfer to pay the bill but it's usually minimal and it's only happened twice in a year and a half. My wife doesn't ask me for absurd money requests or take advantage of my generosity. But I can't let her brother's baby in the Philippines die of intestinal parasite and ameoba infection so he's throwing up and having diarrhea into dehydration, while my U.S.-born same-age baby is sitting here in air conditioning, eating bottled baby food, additional vitamins, nutrient-enriched formula mix, and distilled bottled water. My wife expects me to have compassion and be as generous as I can be but she doesn't overstep her bounds and force me to send more than we can afford.
The idea that family is always first is actually one thing I find attractive about a Filipina wife actually - if it remains secondary or equal to being a wife and mother - and not THE primary focus. I have talked about gold diggers, scam artists, etc. throughout my blog. Your concept that there are a lot of them is true. But a good Filipina wife looks at you, her husband, as an important part of her family and wants you to act like part of her family. My wife was totally submissive to her father's wishes for her life future, for her work ethic, for her everything because he was the head of the household and she knew if she lived in that household she was to be helpful in all ways to keep the family alive. In perfect Asian style, she started switching her submissiveness to me as soon as we became engaged but didn't fully do so until I brought her to the U.S. to be married. It was a transition process.
Her "family" orientation (like her mother) is that if I say the words, "I forbid you to...whatever..." she won't do it or say another word in retaliation because she considers me head of our household without me needing to enforce or demand it. I never say the forbid phrase and only had to say it once long ago while we were engaged. She was going to go south into the Muslim part of Mindanao by 10 hour bus ride with her sister to work on a large farm with her parents - two days after there had been a bus-jacking on that main road. One passenger had been senselessly shot in the head by a militant revolutionary band (for calling one of them "sir") and they set the bus on fire after they took everything. The passengers escaped but some got burned, the bus driver was in critical condition, and they had to stand out in the wild for hours waiting for help to arrive.
I wasn't going to let her be in that perilous situation on the same road but she said she had to go because of the family. Because we were engaged and she was committed to me, I used the power phrase, "I forbid you to go to General Santos by bus. I insist that you stay home." She did what I said because we were to be married and she had dedicated herself fully to me, called her parents and told them why and they understood, and her sister went alone.
She always wants me to be pleased with her so we love each other eternally, and for us to be together forever. That's the true Filipina family way of being. I give everything I have to our relationship in turn for her doing so as well. That's her family commitment to me.
That's not to say she dumped her family for me. I wouldn't want her to. That would be the American way and I don't like the American way. Kids in the U.S. crave getting away from their parents and some never see their parents again as soon as they can get out and run for it. Some visit for Christmas and Thanksgiving and no other time. Some send a gift card for Christmas from other side of the country for years at a time with no personal visits at all.
It would be mean and greedy of me to expect her to dump her family for me but many American men think that's what they're going to do. I'm not so unrealistic to think any Filipina would be happy here in the U.S. knowing her family was starving or dying of diseases that can be cured by going to a medical doctor.
In my opinion, your comment, "I did not see it coming. I had supported her family, had been a good husband, and ticked the right boxes." implies that you need a better grip on what a true spiritual love connection is. You did all the right things, and walked the walk, according to the universal marriage operation manual, but you either overlooked her lack of love for you because you didn't want to admit it to yourself or you couldn't see her lack of devotion and true love. I think you need to study that about yourself. The break up was as much about you as it was about her.
I know several American guys who have awesomely beautiful wives and they treat them like arm candy to show off to their friends, give the girls everything they want to keep them around, send lots of money overseas to their family (and maybe boyfriend), and essentially "buy" their affections with excess. These girls came here because the guy openly revealed to her during the courting and dating stages that he would give her everything and make her life prosperous if she'd come and marry him. What can he realistically expect - true love or a financial arrangement where he gets to use her while she uses him? Is she the scammer or is he the scammer because he wanted a beautiful young wife so much that he'd try to buy what he wanted until it blew up in his face?
Every marriage has a certain amount of financial arrangement to it because any traditional wife expects the husband to put food in her face and a roof over her head. But it is supposed to be based on a mutual and equal love for each other first and foremost. Your relationship had that missing and you either didn't realize it or knew it and just hoped for the best - gambled and lost.
Thanks for writing. You have been very polite and nice in your comment which is not always the case when this subject is discussed. Apparently you didn't give up on Asian family values because you're living with another Asian girl now. Good luck with this one! When you have a good one. she is your best friend in the world, and there is nothing better, I guarantee it!
lostinthelos on January 26, 2012:
I would have to say some of your ideas are good but in all honesty, I have lived longterm in the Northern parts of the Philippines an some of your ideas are just not right.
I have been in the Philippines since 1984, seen more of the changes then most an 90% of the Pinoy popularion is okay.
The standards of the Filipino are far more complex then most understand but one thing that is paramount to know is this.
Family is ALWAYS first. Family before anyone, including a foreign husband.
Since a child, this fact is just buried into them an that seed grows. Family first...
This fact might sound great but once you are married, the calls for funds to improve the families life kick in. A Sari Sari, Trike for a brother, land, payments for a cousins daughter to buy books for school.
If the funds are not forth-coming, the family applies pressure to the girl. If she is overseas with you, the family will think they have made it but if funds are not coming home, huge amounts of pressure are placed upon them. I have seen so many marriages implode over this fact, I just wonder why the men don't see this fact before getting married.
On average, most OSW or WOF (wife of Foreigner) will send home a very large part of there income, if they are working. Homes will be built, family through school, offers of marriage of cousins to other friends of yours. All to advance the family.
The success rate in my country, Australia, is very low on holding a longterm relationship with a Filipino. My advice is to live in the Philippines for 3-4 years with your partner, get to know them very well an get a controlling factor upon the family. It is not all love an kisses. A enraged Filipino that is not getting her way can be a very frightening encounter. One person I know had his $1900 favourite TV chair cut to peices in front of him with a bola...
Most educated Filippina girls have boygriends. These girls can play the dating scam game better then most. I got caught out with one for over 10 years. For 7 of those 10 years she passed money back to the Philippines using my grocey money to support her boyfriend. That money built a house for them.
One morning she left to go to work an she disappeared off the radar. I recieved a email from a lawyer that night saying she was leaving me.
I did not see it coming. I had supported her family, been a good husband an ticked the right boxes.
In the end I just asked her why she did this an her only reply back via her lawyer was this.
"You are not Filipino"....
Don't get me wrong. Many nice girls around but guys be super, super careful.
No relationship is super solid. My friends have told me we seemed like the perfect couple, we had no problems but the fact remains is this.
Don't throw stones too hard at another culture... these girls are two steps ahead, an 2 years ahead in thinking. Just do not under estimate them.
Yes, I am happily living with another Asian girl. All has been good this time round but I decided I needed to live full-time in her country of residence. Much easier for me to keep a lid on things an not to get caught out again.
Good Luck an best of luck finding a good girl.
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on December 23, 2011:
Very nice story but sad. I'm not really understanding why you and your Thai woman cannot be together forever. She is divorced and you and she could be together forever if you both chose to. If you and she feel true love for each other you could overcome any obstacle to be together somehow - if that's what you both want.
Have you considered moving to Thailand permanently to be with her? Can you both move to a completely different third country and start a fresh new life?
You say that you don't blame American culture for the way women have become but I believe you should re-think that. People in every country (including your own) are becoming "Westernized" like Americans because of the global communication methods such as satellite TV and international magazines where Americanism is prominently displayed as a rich lifestyle to desire when it is actually a starved and malnourished lifestyle of trying to fill one's life with material possessions and a party atmosphere to escape the reality that most Americans lack true love and true friendships. They are bored, alone, lacking spiritual and emotional fulfillment, and fill the void by buying everything and having false pride in those things to avoid thinking about their lacks and needs.
Thanks for writing your comment. Your English is very good.
sba83 from Russia, Moscow on December 23, 2011:
Sorry, I don’t know your real name to address you correctly and I apologize if there are any mistakes in my comment since I am Russian.
I read your post and there are so many things and values I have common with you and I registered here just to write this comment. Here in Russia we had collapse of Soviet Union and about ten years of crisis when government property was stolen by group of people (known as oligarchs), we have also many wars in our history, etc. That lead to different changes in minds of majority of Russian people and especially women because they are much more sensitive to such events.
There was bad and good things in Soviet Union. Censorship related to relationships between men and women and sex was a good thing I think. After collapse of Soviet Union television start to show sex related advertisement and all sort of programs/shows that influenced on children mind. People started to think that men should earn a lot of money to be successful. There are a lot of people here in Russia who buy expensive mobile phones, second hand cars using bank credits. Some mobile phones sometimes cost more then their 1-2 monthly salary which might sound weird to Americans. Interest rate for credits (and credit cards) here in Russia is 18 to 30%. Just imagine how much money people overpay because they want to show that they are successful how much they want to impress other people with such stupid actions.
Young women here spend all their money to buy clothes and all sort of makeup stuff. Their main goal to find a rich men who will give them money and they won’t have to work. Their dream is not just a rich men but oligarch who will buy them BMW, Mercedes, Bentley and all the luxury stuff that is available widely in Moscow. Such young women drink and smoke and at the age of 25-30 they start to realize that their beauty start to evade because they drink too much alcohol and they start to look just for any men who will marry her. After they find some men who need just sex and a cook on a kitchen they become lazy, grumbling and all the bad qualities of character start to appear (everything you wrote about Western women).
I don’t blame American culture or any American or Western culture, because I have learned English from native speakers from Canada, Great Britain and USA. They were very clever, well-mannered and intelligent people.
I don’t drink at all (even on holidays), don’t smoke and don’t meet with a lot of women (what is the correct word for that? Butterfly?). Relationships and feelings are much more important for me rather then sex.
This year in April I went abroad first time in my life (I am 28 now) and visited Thailand. I met a women in a Go Go bar. Despite the fact that she work there, she is very kind, polite and well-mannered. She worked there because her family need money. I know that many men heard that story but this women is exception because we spoke every day on the phone many months and now I understand her very good. She ran from work to her room just to spoke with me and I waited her and did not go to sleep till 2 o’clock (night) despite the fact I have to go work at 8 o’clock. Sometime she told me that I should find a good women better then her. I refused to do that. This autumn I come to Thailand second time and she cried sometimes and I cried too, because we both realized that we can not live together forever. She has two children and she is divorced and she is 6 years older then me. I realized all that but I love her very much and did not want to go away from her. She take care of me and I feel safe, relaxed and calmly with her. In the airport I look at her while she was sitting in the bus and we both have tears in eyes. Than I had tears in my eyes when I sit in airplane. When I come back home, few weeks later I decided to tell her that we can not be together. I did not eat anything about four days. I was very depressed because I make her sad and cry. She was very depressed too. I think we don’t understand something when we spoke because her level of English is basic and she thought that I want to go away forever, but she want to be friends. Now we are friends. She is alone in the city where she works very hard every day without holidays and days off. She work in the show with cold water because she don’t want to go with some men for barfine. Every day without holidays in cold water.
Why I am telling about her? I am telling about her because I just want to say that this women who works in Go Go bar is much more kind, caring and she is much better then majority of women here in Russia. She always think about her family and she take care her relatives. She don’t buy new clothes for herself, she wear second hand clothes just to earn more money to send to her family. That impressed me a lot, I did not saw something similar before.
I am really thinking about finding a wife in some Asian country, Thailand or Philippines, whatever. Now it is very clear for me why so many men from US come to Asia to find a good wife. Women here still understand that men and women both should do something to make family life happier. Majority of women in my country think that if they have a good body they don’t need to do anything else. After they find a husband they become even worse because they think that their goal of all life is achieved and they don’t have to do anything else. When husband goes away they start to complain that all men are same and they need only sex. Their limited mind does not let them to understand they can offer something else rather then sex to attract a really loving men with good personal qualities. They don’t understand that body and beauty won’t last forever rather then feelings and good relationship based on understanding, kindness and willing to help each other.
Thank you for your post about women in Philippines, your tips about communicating with girlfriend family are very useful. I want to wish you happiness with your beautiful wife.
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on August 25, 2010:
She is a wonderful human being. We haven't had an argument about anything in 3 years and she can express herself anytime she wants but we agree on virtually everything or differ in opinion very little.
She's devoted, faithful, and caring. Sometimes it's just little things I notice like when I'm coming home from work, she watches for me and unlocks the front door so I'm not inconvenienced by searching my key ring.
When I talk about working from home instead she's very excited about us being together 24/7. She has no feeling that she would lose something like "having her own personal time" or anything like that.
There's so many little things that liberated women would call "subserviant" but they're actually not. They're tiny loving touches she puts into our relationship that she knows make me happy. And that's her sole goal in our relationship - to be submissive to me as I'm submissive to her, compromise with me as I compromise with her so we meet in the middle, to be as caring as I am caring for her, and to be by my side for all of life as I am by her side without fail.
When a man knows his spouse is that way with him and she has the family's welfare as her main priority, he knows it in his heart and it gives him a peaceful inner satisfaction. No matter what the world does or where life goes, you are two locked together against the world.
I'm not saying all Filipinas are that way because I've known some couples with partying wives and abandoned children who are raising themselves. But I hit the jackpot with my wife and I know it.
By the way, we now have a new addition to the family. Baby Travis was born on August 4th, 2010. He has my wife's dark eyes and black hair, my nose and cheeks, and her mouth. He's perfect and healthy and nursing like a vacuum cleaner. So she is glued to him day and night now and has turned into a wonderfully attentive mother.
tyson_works on August 25, 2010:
You and your wife make a good couple! Good luck to you both and hope everything works out. The hub was very interesting and I hope you both treat each other equally and live a happy life. It is very hard to find good people out there and by the looks of it it seems like you both found a good person to live with. Wake up everyday and enjoy your life every single day guys, Good luck.
MarcoMarks (author) from Fort Myers, Florida on August 18, 2010:
This comment is from the hub author in response to a sharp, hateful, vile, bitter comment that was posted on 8-18-2010. I accidentally let the post be visible for 3 hours before making it invisible to readers. It is now stored away where it cannot harm Filipinas or those who wish to find Filipina wives. I've since changed this hub so all posts must be approved before they are visible.
Mr. Kenneth Delancey,
It's clear that the big time loser is you. Nobody with social graces of any kind would submit a comment like yours full of slander toward someone they don't know and slander their wife as well. I am far more angry at you for attacking my wife and Filipinas in general than about attacking me personally. If you made comments like that to my face you'd be spitting out loose teeth for the next week after your internal bleeding stopped.
First, it's clear that you have less intellect and education than a 4th grader because you have no punctuation, grammar, or spelling abilities of any kind. It was a chore to even make it through your comment.
If you were actually allowed into the U.S. Navy, it's only because they'd take almost anybody who could walk upright in the midst of the early 70's draft. I have no idea what duties you could have performed except licking out latrines because you have no social skills or ability to communicate with others. Your attitude toward life, a whole race of people, and someone (me) who has more success that you have in life, is despicable. I'm sure you also have no friends nor female companionship of any kind because you are 100% crude and bitter.
Apparently you can't define the difference between other Asian races and the Vietnamese, who you would have somewhat of a right to hate because of the Vietnam War you were in. The U.S. has consistently befriended the Philippines since WWII, you were allowed to have R&R in their tropical paradise while in the military, and they are in general a very nice and friendly people.
Yes there are greedy Filipinos, and dishonest ones, and sleazy ones, convicts, whores, and those who manipulate foreigners but every country has those same evils, including the U.S. You can't name one country that doesn't have exactly the same scenario.
For your information, although I seriously doubt you have the ability to actually understand what I write, I'm not at all a "big fake loser." I'm the winner here and you are the loser. I have true love and you don't have the ability to even know what love is. I've had attractive women in the U.S. that are far above anything you could ever strive for so I didn't have to go the RP for a wife. I also have plenty of self-esteem.
If you call having an IQ of 160+ being a nerd, or pursuing career goals that provide a nice income while not having to work in the boiler room of a ship with somebody like you as being a nerd, or having the research skills to find a beautiful, intelligent, mature, level-headed, hard working, honest, faithful, easy-to-live-with wife being a nerd, then I'm a nerd.
And if you hate Filipinos and Filipinas - stay away from the Philippines. They don't want you there anyway. They know when a foreigner doesn't like them and you will be treated with the same disrespect you put out.
I feel sorry for you Mr. Delancey because you are so self-absorbed and lost in bitterness and hate. Those like you, who are pure racists, have no clue that inside each of us - no matter what color or ethnicity - resides a human spiritual entity that is equal in all ways to all other human spiritual entities residing in others who may be very different physically and mentally.
My wife and I chose to be with each other, not just because of outward appearance, but because we bonded spiritually immediately upon meeting and we both felt it. It was like two halves of a whole came together and became one. There are those who call this being "twin flames" or "soul mates" and we have it. Maybe not all Fil-Am relationships have it but we do. There is no external force that could pull us apart because we are united as one and have God as the center of our relationship.
I did not discuss this subject in my hub because the hub is based on experiences and physically verifiable facts. But in my case spiritual bonding is an important part of any relationship. If we had met and it didn't happen, I wouldn't be married to her today. She didn't even plan on leaving her country until I showed up and was quite upset about being here in the U.S. initially when I brought her here. So she didn't come here for greed, or to get to the U.S., etc.
But you, Mr. Delancey, have no clue about these things of the spiritual side of life because you are far outside the kingdom of God - filled with bitterness and hatred for those who have happiness and success in life. And every time you write a pile of crap like you posted here to hurt people, you take yourself one more step away from that kingdom.