6 Tips to Help You Let Go and Move on When Your Marriage Is Over
The dreams held on the wedding day don't always last. They slowly fade during the course of a bad marriage.
Photo by Los Muertos Crew via pexels CC0
Making Your Final Decision
There is a saying which goes, "all good things must come to an end." However, when two people make a promise of eternal love and fidelity to each other through the union of marriage, they expect the good to last forever. No one gets married to separate or to get a divorce. Most individuals take their vows seriously and expect to stay married as they plan to share hopes and dreams as one.
So when a final decision is made to end a marriage due to insurmountable circumstances, it is said to be one of the most painful forms of grief a person will experience, riddled with a myriad of feelings. Those circumstances usually include issues that cause deep-seated wounds such as:
- a broken trust or deception
- betrayal or infidelity
- repeated abusive behavior
The ideal in most cases of marital conflict would be to stay married and work it out. It is not the preferred choice of the individual or couple to end their marriage, but there comes a time when long-standing denial dissolves and the reality of the situation comes clearly into focus. The couple realizes they've tried everything available to them to save their marriage, but too much damage has occurred. The eleventh hour has passed and it is time to move on, as difficult as that decision might be.
The poem at the end of this article illustrates the acceptance of this harsh reality. This acknowledgement marks the demise of a marriage which has come to an end. Coping tips are offered to assist you as you move through this difficult period.
Accepting the End: 6 Tips to Help You Cope and Move On
This article is dedicated to those individuals and couples who fought valiantly to save their marriages but it just wasn't in the cards. As long as you know in your heart you did everything to save your marriage, you've done enough. Here are a few suggestions to help you transition from being married to starting over and rebuilding your life:
- See your marriage as having had a purpose in your life that has run its course; make a list of what you've learned, how you've grown from the experience, and what you've gained from the challenges; use these insights for self-exploration and future relationship success.
- Acknowledge a mixture of contradicting emotions and allow yourself to feel each one, e.g., anger, loss, sadness, guilt, relief, failure, abandonment, fear and liberation.
- Monitor the duration of these emotions which may indicate serious symptoms of depression; contact a professional healthcare provider if the feelings worsen over several weeks and months, affecting your ability to function.
- Consider seeing a therapist to assist you in getting through grieving the loss of your marriage; coping with the end of a marriage is sometimes compared to the process of mourning a death.
- Connect with good friends for social support; try to stay active with your church, civic groups, and clubs; engage in hobbies and recreational activities; seek out therapeutic support groups if necessary.
- Count the blessings and cherish the good memories of your marriage; recalling the positive parts of your marriage history will help with the healing process by reminding you that it was not all in vain.
A Poem About the End of a Marriage: "The Vow"
Our vow as one, sealed with a kiss before God,
Held all of the promise of a newborn child,
Full of purity and innocence
The box of promise we created on that day
Beautifully wrapped in hope, adorned with
Ribbons of commitment and topped with
A bow of caring love, has fallen from the mantle
After years of neglect, the wrapping paper crinkled,
The ribbon tattered and bow crushed
The box reminds us of what might have been
With eyes wide open, we now see the truth of our marriage:
Something old cannot always be cherished,
Something new can bring painful revelation,
Something borrowed can become bruised and not returnable,
Something blue can evoke unending moods of sadness.
Our vow as one, sealed with a kiss before God,
Once holding all of the promise of a newborn child,
Lost its purity and its innocence.
JLE2006
Wedding Day Gone Awry - Therapists Share Their Expertise
When a Marriage is Really Over
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2014 Janis Leslie Evans
Comments
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on August 27, 2020:
Listen to your gut, your heart, and your mind. It sounds like you're looking for validation for the decision you've already made. I recommend talking it over with a good counselor to way the pros and cons and to receive support for moving forward. I wish you peace. Thanks for reading, please excuse the delayed reply.
LA on August 21, 2020:
My wife of 5 years decided that since she’s turning 30 soon she wants to love her life and depend on herself now. She just left me. I, nor no one else seen any signs of anything being wrong in our marriage. She just left me. She never told me how she was feeling. She never told me she was unhappy. She never gave me a chance to fix anything that i didn’t know was broken. Now, I am destroyed and idk what to do with myself. She was my best friend. She is the love of my life, but she says everything is a decision and I need to respect that. What about me? How do I let go? One day we were hugging and loving on each other, the next day she isn’t leaves? I feel empty and abandoned. The ache is killing me inside. I feel so worthless.
Cleo on April 01, 2020:
We have been married for just 3years and my husband started to cheat to cheat on me over a year ago. There was a time when he left me and went to leave somewhere I don't know where. He kept on saying it was my fault that he had to move out. Time passed and he came back home again but would still sleep out. When I confront him he will tell me that he was working. He supports me and the baby so well but the problem is its like I'm invisible, no sex, no intimacy or anything we are like roommates. What can I possibly do I still love him but my mind sometimes tells me to Leave him.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on January 10, 2020:
Respect is very important in a marriage. But I'm sure there was more that brought you to your decision. You would have to explore and weigh all the factors that contributed to the end of your marriage in order to be sure you did the right thing. Thanks for reading.
Enni on January 09, 2020:
I ended my marriage because my husband didnt respect me or showed me that he cares for me ,kept blaming me for stuff i didn't do.
Have i done the right thing??
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on September 12, 2018:
Sad to hear. You will decide when you're ready to demand and expect better. Healing from the damage will he!p to empower you and increase your ability to say "no more." Thanks for reading.
dee on September 12, 2018:
My husband constantly criticises me . I seem to do everything wrong and speaks to me as though I'm a child. When I have tried to talk to him he tells me that it is all in my mind and it's what I'm thinking. He flies off the handle at the slightest thing. then his approach is to buy me something. the message being that this over and he no longer wants to talk about it.What t I find hard to deal with is that his friends think he's nice and he seems to treat them better than me.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on June 11, 2018:
Sounds like it's been very difficult, especially after investing so much time into your marriage. It's only been a year and a half. So you're right where you should expect to be. You have to change your perspective in order to let go. When a marriage ends, it's like a death. It's time to grieve the loss and mourn what no longer exists in order to move on with your life. Every situation is unique so I can't offer a "women's perspective" that would provide insight into her decision to pull away. Regardless of her motives or lack of "for better-for worse" support of you, in the end you will eventually have to accept the loss and begin to heal. Thank you for taking the time to read and inquire. I wish you eventual peace.
J on June 11, 2018:
My wife and have been separated 1 -1/2 year. My 2 young adult daughters live with her. She originally moved out and lived in a dysfunctional stituation with her sister. We have been married 21 years I owned a company when economy went bad business failed. She resented me because lifestyle change started the blame game and we, she pulled away. Now she goes back and forth emotionally with me so I totally ignore her. I want to move on with my life. I need a women's perspective.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on May 22, 2018:
I'm so glad to hear that the poem resonated with you. It will help to alter your perspective as you let go. Thank you for taking the time to read this article. I wish you the best.
CARMAN MELONCON on May 22, 2018:
I am accepting the reality that my marirage is over. IT HURTS. This poem is going to help me.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on April 09, 2015:
Glad to hear it worked out for the sake of the family. But I hope you didn't sacrifice yourself too much by not sharing your position. Thanks for reading this one, peachpurple, and commenting about your own personal experience.
peachy from Home Sweet Home on April 09, 2015:
i had often some ups and downs in my marriage but for the sake of our kids, we stayed on, just talk less. In the end, I don't voice out my opinion now.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on March 16, 2014:
Thanks so much for reading, DDE.
Devika Primić from Dubrovnik, Croatia on March 16, 2014:
To know the end of a marriage must be difficult to cope with especially if you were committed to the marriage your tips are most helpful.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on January 10, 2014:
Glad you liked it, carolinemd21. Thank you for visiting and reading this hub.
Caroline Marie from Tucson, Arizona on January 09, 2014:
Great article and I love your poem.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on January 09, 2014:
Thank you much, mylindaelliott. So glad you found the tips useful. Thanks for your visit.
mylindaelliott from Louisiana on January 09, 2014:
I love your poem. The tips are very useful too.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on January 03, 2014:
Thank you for reading and commenting, Poetic. I appreciate it.
Malik S Canty from Brooklyn, NY on January 03, 2014:
Good advice and Needed advice for those who want to get this thing called Love Right...Your insight is refreshing, Keep the words flowing...
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on January 02, 2014:
Thanks, Eddy. Always good to see you.
Eiddwen from Wales on January 02, 2014:
Interesting and will benefit many I am sure.
Eddy.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on January 02, 2014:
That is fantastic, MsDora. Thanks for sharing that positive outcome. I appreciate your visit.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on January 02, 2014:
Glad you liked it, Beth. Thanks for your comment and vote.
Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on January 02, 2014:
Jan, very useful and thoughtful. My divorce was finalized on the eve of our 20th wedding anniversary. I believe in remembering the positives. After almost 20 years, my ex and I both spent Christmas together with our son and family and we enjoyed it. Life goes on!
Beth Eaglescliffe on January 01, 2014:
This is a thoughtful and thought-provoking article. Voted up.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on January 01, 2014:
Thank you, Jodah. You're quite welcome. Thank you for reading it, appreciate your visit and comments.
John Hansen from Australia (Gondwana Land) on January 01, 2014:
Beautiful caring and helpful hub. More marriages end early now than become 'death do us part'. Touch wood mine is still going, but this is valuable advice and very sensitively written. thank you Jan.
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on January 01, 2014:
Thank you very much, MG. I appreciate your comment, fanmail, and follow. Very kind of you.
MG Singh from UAE on January 01, 2014:
Very practical, I must say and well done
Janis Leslie Evans (author) from Washington, DC on January 01, 2014:
All so true, Jackie. Thank you so much for reading it. I'm so pleased you enjoyed the poem.
Jackie Lynnley from the beautiful south on January 01, 2014:
A beautiful writing, poem and song. I really enjoyed it all and listening to the song now. I think classes should be given to kids on marriage, how easy it is to get off track and how painful it can be, unsettling and in some cases expensive not to mention the children when they are involved. Who gives thought to any of that before marriage? Anyone?
^
