This article is not an attack on YouTube or its affiliates but simply my opinion about why some YouTube content should never be tolerated.
My Defense Of Single Parents And Abuse Survivors Against Online Batterers
I don't know if it's just me, but YouTube seems more entertaining than ever. There is what I call the Cool Side of YouTube, the Intellectual Side of YouTube, the Laid-Back Side of YouTube, the Kooky Side of YouTube, and, my personal favorite, the PooPoo-Headed Side of YouTube; this is why I don't know who is crazier, the DoodooDorks who occupy this amazing site's cancerous butt end, or me, for being there.
I can't possibly hold it against the associated YT users though, because most happen to be 4-year-olds who go up there and joyfully pronounce stuff like, "Oh, I'm ugly, I smell, I have bad breath, I have broken teeth, I have a blow-up doll under my bed..."
Hmm...no...wait...these aren't literal 4-year-olds. These are grown men and women, (mostly men), who produce vlogs from behind the cowardly anonymousness of the Internet in order to viciously and wrongfully blame domestic abuse victims, (mostly women), for the abuse they receive at the hands of their partners..so, my bad. I just forgot that toddlers sometimes come in the form of characters who resemble Homer Simpson, Big Bird, Shrek, Chewbacca, Skeletor, Cinderella's stepsisters, and just about every barn animal you can name, and who can never seem to produce proof of the beautiful wives and girlfriends they advertise to have. Oh, and what they really say is the following:
"Single mothers are tumors to society."
"Single mothers are worn-out, used-up, damaged goods and sloppy seconds."
"Maybe he did beat you and leave you behind to take care of your bastard brats by yourself but remember, you're the one who chose him."
"I'm a woman and I wouldn't want to date a single father, so why would I expect a man to want to date a single mother? That's dumb."
"I am so gorgeous and intelligent and educated and caring and amazing and gorgeous and Christian and gorgeous and I have to poke away so many supermodels with a pointy stick and that's why I know these women deserve to get beaten up and dogged out and oh...did I mention that I'm hot, hot, hot stuff?"
They say kids can be bullies, but so can adults. At least we now know where they get it from.
I don't know the clinical or politically correct term or label for these individuals; some might call them Men's Rights Activists, others Misogynists Who Can't Get Laid, but their inherent childishness is often so mind-boggling it defies belief. However, it's not necessarily their fault if they are lonely and bitter if they didn't win the genetic lottery, I suppose. Not much they can do about that.
The Dynamics of Domestic Abuse
To be fair, I know ignorance sometimes plays a role in the grotesquely sadistic and unwarranted verbal abuse folks might give abuse victims and survivors. Domestic violence is not a subject that appears to be taught in schools; and there was a time when I, too, had been guilty of victim-blaming. For a while, I had even blamed myself. Yet, when I began to research the subject of domestic violence thoroughly, and began to gain a more multi-dimensional perspective on the matter, about how complex abusive relationships truly are, and about how much of a doofus I myself was about it all, I was forced to acknowledge that abuse is a conscious choice and entirely indefensible and unjustified. No one is responsible for anyone else's actions other than their own.
This is the reason that each time I view YouTube videos that concoct these types of victim-blaming, women-hating rants, even straying so far as to attack and violate the civil rights of single parents...despite that no one seems concerned about how wildly out of line they are, I see red flags everywhere, and know in my gut how ridiculous and inane these videos are. Every instinct in my body screams dead, dead wrong, and as a survivor, I thereby feel reabused, without having any idea what I had done to deserve any of it.
To sum it up, these videos purport to offer dating advice, when they really publicly shame and, essentially, discriminate against single parents who are survivors of domestic abuse, mainly mothers; in a word, these YT users revel in abusing women and children in the name of dating, and regardless of how much or how often I flag this flagrant abuse, no one seems to care.
I also am not clear on the major contributions these folks are making to society; they don't seem to consider that many of the women and children they are bashing sometimes die at the hands of their abusers, and, thereby, these M.R.A.'s are not saying or doing much to prevent this from continuing to happen. In essence, they are encouraging it; there is often a magnitude to what they are saying that is infinitely beyond stupid, and clearly says more about who they are than who the targets of their attacks are.
Nonetheless, I initially gave these big fat rhinoceroses...I mean, uh, buck-toothed country bumpkins, I mean, er, sweet, good-looking geniuses, no, no, no, um...these relatives of Bert and Ernie..(blecch...I'm screwed), the benefit of the doubt. So I do occasionally take the time to calmly and respectfully reason with those from America's Most Unwanted List:
"Uh...Mr. Treasure Troll?
Oh, I apologize. I tend to think even Treasure Trolls are cuter than any of you; so, you do realize all you're doing is enabling and reinforcing an abuser's behavior, do you? Unless these women are psychic, abusers are very good at hiding who they are from them. They are usually very charming upfront, and if women saw them as completely evil, they wouldn't have anything to do with them. Batterers can fool anyone, including you fat mingers...I mean you. Some don't show abusive traits for months or even years. If he smacked her on the mouth on the first date, there wouldn't be a second date.
It's not all black and white, kind sirs. No one wants to be abused or to be abusive. It's only because of scorned, spurned losers like you that these women keep turning to these types of guys and why they are never safe turning to people like you for help...now you're basically just revictimizing them which is despicable and revolting on your part because what happened to them is totally not their fault; many of them are good women who did absolutely nothing to deserve it. You're using the theory that their decision to date abusive men gives these men a right to abuse them which is disgusting and twisted reason and only speaks very poorly of who you are as people."
Dealing with such obstinate stupidity can be a cool time-killer, though, as speaking to online batterers is often the equivalent of speaking to brick walls and then receiving heaps of garbage in return. However, I do receive an occasional enlightening response:
"No. Abuse is not an excuse for bad behavior. If a woman becomes a prostitute because a man forces himself on her, that's her own fault, not his. Similarly, if you choose to have children without being married because you were abused or molested as a child, and then abused by your boyfriend, that's your own immoral wrongdoing, no one else's."
Suffice it to say that whenever others try to aggressively be right at a victim's expense, regardless of how much I might burn myself out going back and forth with them, I myself become frightened by my own rage. I usually don't consider my own self very clever or creative with insults and comebacks when I'm relatively tranquil, but each time the wrong button is pushed, my language gets appallingly colorful; this time, however, I think I handled myself better than usual, and I think you will agree:
"No, you fugly old hag. They could be married and the abuser could still abuse her and still leave. Even if she decides to have children with him out of wedlock he still has no right to batter her or to desert any children he has with her. Even immoral behavior is not an excuse for abuse. I hope you have 100 ("Crayola crayons") shoved into your fat, flopping ("cookie jar") and then have somebody tell you the same thing you horse-looking (bleepity-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep.")
How I Became a Single Mother
All I can say is, there are folks in this world who make it very difficult for me to live by what God says we must do, which is to love your neighbor, to pray for your enemies, and to forgive...and don't get me wrong. I don't hate those who retraumatize and further oppress abuse survivors; I just won't be sad if they all perform the Roger Rabbit off of a high cliff or something.
As most may know, the victim-blaming narrative is simply a typical response by those who have not walked in the shoes of a victim. Telling victims of domestic violence that they are at fault for their own victimization is verbal abuse. It's a lie. It's why it should go without saying that for those who are seeking valid relationship advice, abusive men and women are clearly not reliable sources of information. If any self-professed dating expert tells single mothers they have no place in the dating scene, and children they would be burdens to potential stepfathers, this is a warning sign in and of itself; abuse survivors obviously deserve better than anyone who judges them based on what someone else did to them, or tells innocent children they are unwanted/worthless, so, if someone shuns you on that basis, thank them and tell them good riddance.
And yes, the Bible indeed does condemn fornication or immorality of any type, yet, it also explicitly states: "Thou shall not judge."
This is why I am often baffled by how women who marry, have children, and then divorce their husbands because they were cheated on by them multiple times are the ones who are called sluts and why I, too, have been called as such, as if those who tell me such things were around to witness the numerous times I had resisted the aggressive advances of men and that I had never been known to be promiscuous, (in fact quite an embarrassing square and prude to those who know me), and despite not having went there with a guy until I was nearly 21, and only then to a man who was almost twice my age and who because of that was able to take advantage of my youth, innocence, vulnerability, naivete, and absence of self-esteem; the latter resulted from my having just emerged from an incredibly abusive childhood and from my having no family or anyone else to guide or mentor me or anyone else other than my batterer as a result...leaving him to freely indulge in physically, emotionally, and financially mistreating me as he desired.
Eventually, when I became pregnant with my daughter by my perpetrator, (who didn't even have to have a DNA test performed to know she was his), even though the act happened consensually, our child's conception was executed deliberately and without my permission, as he had mistakenly thought that "a child would keep us together."
Not that I regret the existence of my beautiful baby angel, mind you, only the way it happened. I was barely out of my teens, living in a low-income housing project with no help from anyone, basically a half-frightened kid who feared that if I didn't hang out with him and give him what I wanted, I would have then become victimized in even worse ways by the other creeps who occupied the building.
In a word, trauma was all I knew, I had gone through far more in the first 20 years of my life than most folks ever do in their lifetimes, and I was so desensitized to abuse that after I received 18 years of virtual torture by my parents, (and, additionally, was molested by an elderly neighbor as a child), only to be met with even more abuse by my batterer and a series of others like him, I was long since unable to recognize abuse when it was still happening to me. The belief my parents had ingrained into my brain that I deserved it, that it was all my fault, was further confirmed by my baby girl's father, and even more so by police, my batterer's family, and many others like him.
Sensing society blamed me for my own abuse, I never felt safe turning to anyone for help. Others often demanded, "Just leave," despite how much I attempted to explain that I didn't have the support or the resources I needed to leave. No one had a clue what I was going through.
To this day, I still struggle with my attraction to males who often turn out to be as abusive as my father had been to me when I was a little girl..which is why when I later reported the aforementioned videos to YouTube, listing all the obvious reasons the videos perpetuate victim-blaming, and, by extension, a culture of violence against women, and then received a response stating that nothing was seen as wrong with the videos, with no explanation why, I felt further invalidated, and, thereby, retraumatized.
As we are at different levels and stages of healing, I simply didn't have the self-esteem and maturity at the time I had met my abusive boyfriends that I have now, and, had I been older, or, if I had met any of them today, I never would have even looked at any of them twice. I was not in my right mind when I chose to be with them. I did what I felt I had to do and I did it in the best way I knew how. If those who judge me had gone through even a fraction of what I had gone through in my life, I'm quite certain they would be in mental institutions or in prison by now. They couldn't even handle it.
I also find it a bit curious that others I have been acquainted with who are not necessarily abusive, nor have been abused, yet who are considerably less chaste and respectable than many single mothers I have known, who even I harbor no personal vendettas against, are not oppressed from every direction as these women are; in fact they are almost even congratulated for their behavior.
The best of people in my experience are the ones who are viciously tested and persecuted to the edge of their endurance, often even over the edge...and then thereby impelled to resort to doing things they otherwise wouldn't dream of doing, or are forced into positions they never would expect to find themselves in. Just as these guys don't know the first or the last thing about me, they don't know the first or the last thing about any other survivor, parent or not.
Confronting YouTube Bullies
As the online batterers don't know me and what I had gone through, it is often why when I view the videos I described, in the midst of my hugest meltdowns, I sometimes can't help feeling raw hatred for them, and then, in turn, am shocked by how out of character it is for me to feel this way about anyone...and the degree to where life changed me; I still try my best to treat the authors of these videos with respect and to allow them their right to say whatever they want though. It's why I once I visited the creators of one of these vlogs, (FartelltheTool, I mean, er, MartellthaCool, being one of my favorites) and typed somewhere:
"I so love the fact that the men on these types of videos are never good-looking."
To which the user replied, "Are you gay?"
The response did throw me a little. Not because I felt insulted or that all gays don't have all my love and respect. I just failed to see the parallel.
To all his bum buddies, I tried to explain that there are many shades of gray to abusive relationships that he and others like him will never understand or ever want to; although I know I may never pull everybody's heads out of their butts, I decided to bug the handsome and engaging Sire Martell on his charming channel, via his video titled, "Don't Date Single Mothers," and asked his Highness:
"Hello, Sir, I am a contributor to Hubpages.com and post articles in my efforts to act as a voice for unheard populations, including victims and survivors of domestic abuse, such as the mothers and children you appear to be attacking; so, I wanted to know before I post the article, if you were available for a comment.
I respect your right to your own dating preferences, however, I can't understand your need to publicly flame and proliferate prejudice and discrimination against an entire group of women and children that you don't even know.
Even more worrying, you seem determined to seek reasons to blame the abuse these women's abusers have given them on the women and not their actual abusers, regardless of the attempts of others in the comment section to educate and reason with you; many have even proven you wrong.
It concerns me that you appear to promote the theory that a man has a right to abuse a woman or to abandon any children she has with him if she chooses to date him or engage in intimacy with him.
It really is true that abuse is a choice, and that no one has a right to abuse anyone, no matter what, under any circumstance whatsoever. This is an undeniable fact, any domestic abuse professional will tell you this...so why do you appear desperate to continue denying it?
If you were a domestic violence counselor, or a suicide prevention counselor, and the women you are bashing were to report to you that they are being abused by their boyfriends/husbands, would you tell them all the things you are saying here? If so, how could you not expect to get fired?
If you have sister or a cousin or a close female friend who became a single mother as a result of domestic abuse, would you tell her, 'You're a worn-out piece of (fill in the blank) and you deserved to be abused and you deserve your fate because you chose to date a loser'? You do realize that this is the same logic that batterers use to blame their own victims as well, do you?
This seems a huge red flag on your part...are you a batterer too? Many families and friends of abusers also blame the abusers' victims for the abuse they give them, in an attempt to protect these abusers; you don't appear very different from these individuals in that regard.
Millions of women and children die every year because of the type of abuse that you, too, continue to promote. How could you not feel any shame? Doesn't that come off a bit narcissistic, psychopathic, and spooky?
I also know that no man is to blame for any abuse a woman he chooses to date gives him, and, if I were to publicly humiliate men who were in the same situations as these women, I personally would just be unable to live with myself.
So what is your need to revictimize abuse survivors, and, to possibly subject them to even more abuse, and more danger, at the hands of perpetrators? Are you regularly rejected by women? Are your looks frequently ridiculed?
Just wondering, because I honestly just have a difficult time identifying with the mindset of abusers...without my ever having had that type of a mindset myself."
For some reason, I didn't expect M.T.C. to answer any of my direct questions...and doyyy...I was right. He didn't. (I wonderrr why)...but then, a YouTube user named DiamondRainPrincess just had to butt in and spoil everything for me:
"Well, you said it yourself. He's ugly and nobody likes him."
To which MartelltheSweetheart replied:
"If I'm so ugly then why do you even bother to comment you hideous punk a*& %$#@*."
Yup, sounds logical enough. Still bored, I took it upon myself to bug YouTube with my annoying campaign as well, by contacting its Legal Support Team:
I am Rosana Clarkson, a writer for Hubpages.com. [Duh.]
I am writing today to ask if you are available for any comments regarding an article I intend to submit to Hubpages, in which I frequently advocate for victims and survivors of abuse, including of domestic abuse [blah, blah, blah, yawn, etc.]
When I reported to YouTube that I had noticed videos that blatantly attack individuals of this population, I received a reply from YouTube stating that nothing about these videos was seen as inappropriate, and I was not provided an explanation about why.
As I am certain you know, victims of domestic abuse are never at fault for the abuse inflicted upon them by their partners. It is entirely the batterer's fault to behave this way, and a person's decision to date an abuser does not give the abuser a right to abuse his/her partner. You no doubt also know that abuse is a choice, and there is completely no excuse for it.
This is why I am asking today if you are aware if videos such as in the following link exist:
While I respect the rights of YouTube users to freedom of speech, I want to respectfully ask if you are able to tell me to what degree the site's video posters are allowed to abuse this right; and, while I also respect the rights of individuals to their own dating preferences, I am still unclear about the reasons the proliferation of unnecessary and mean-spirited bullying should be allowed in respects to the expressions of such preferences.
So my inquiry today is, do you deem such videos such as the one listed inappropriate/abusive, and, if not, could you kindly explain why?
If YouTube's community guidelines place restrictions on disparaging, degrading, prejudicial, and discriminatory remarks against individuals of certain races, religions, etc., do these guidelines protect those of certain familial statuses, (in this case, of mothers and children), from such bullying, and, if not, could you provide an explanation about the reason for this as well.
If you take a moment to view the video in question, you will note that the uploader appears to blame victims of domestic violence for the abuse their partners give them; he seems to use the theory that if a woman chooses to date an abusive man, then she deserves to be abused by him and if she becomes a single parent as a result of such abuse, then she deserves to be in said situation and that no one should love her or date her in her lifetime. Not only is this victim-blaming idea wildly and grossly improper and wrong, and a clear example of discrimination and misogyny, it can also be dangerous. It is this very content that continues to promote abuse and violence against victims, especially women and children.
As a domestic abuse survivor myself, I personally feel it my duty to defend other survivors from being reabused and revictimized by this type of malicious content. If your vulnerable viewers internalize the messages these videos contain, they may well feel unsafe turning to anyone for help with any abuse that they, too, may be suffering, and perhaps may even feel compelled to return to their abusers or to find other abusive partners to replace them. Children of single mothers may also become traumatized.
As you may note in the embedded video, despite repeated attempts by commenters to educate the video's commentator, and despite the validity in their expressing how wrong and abusive his comments are, he seems entirely unwilling to open up his mind to learning about the incredibly complicated dynamics of domestic abuse and about why the abusers' crimes are never the victims' faults; his continued determination to vilify domestic abuse victims comes off as a clear red flag signal that he could possibly be a batterer himself.
As you may know, batterers often avoid accountability for their own actions and blame their victims for the abuse they give them. YouTube consists of multiple other videos like the one embedded and clearly retraumatize, revictimize and reabuse victims while empowering batterers, which is why I now ask with all due respect, if you are aware that these videos are posted on YouTube, why do you allow them?"
In response, YouTube stated:
We're unable to determine your authority to bring this legal claim. The party whose legal rights are at issue, or their authorized representative, must notify us directly. If you're authorized to act on the party's behalf, please respond to this email specifying your relationship."
So as you can plainly see, I clearly suck at interviewing, but my intention is not really to sway the online batterers over to my perspective or to force YouTube to provide me an explanation of any type; I'm merely out to spread awareness and to defend the innocent, whether or not anyone else will. Most importantly, however, I got to enjoy some good laughs at a bunch of people's expense, regardless of the responses I received.
Resources For Single Parents and Abuse Survivors
So, if there are still any other intelligent folks who are left on this planet, there are maxims that come to mind for me while relating this dissertation. I don't know who initially coined them all, but amongst them are:
"People of high intelligence talk about ideas. People of average intelligence talk about events. People of low intelligence talk about other people." (It's not too difficult to see where the folks in question are in the line-up.)
"You have to kiss a few frogs before you find a prince (or princess)." (The good news is, we don't have to kiss some people in order to know they are frogs; some just hide it better than others).
"Haters make you stronger," "Make lemonade out of lemons" and "Trolls will be trolls" are amongst my other faves, but the most memorable for me is: "The best revenge is success."
If you're a single mother, one way you can live successfully is by doing all in your power to spearhead your own cause in advocating for other single parents/abuse survivors; one way is by associating with genuinely good-hearted, Christ-like men, true knights with no axes to grind, such as in church or in humanitarian campaigns like Walk a Mile In Her Shoes at www.walkamileinhershoes.org/ or White Ribbon at https://www.whiteribbon.ca/. (The young boys at the latter project are more man than the online batterers will ever be...and it's quite frankly a little scary).
For further affirmation that any domestic abuse you have suffered is not your fault, read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. You will find this excellent read very validating; and, if you speak to any victims' advocate at the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, you will receive even more of the empowerment you need; another good supportive resource for single parents is Parents Without Partners at https://www.parentswithoutpartners.org/default.aspx.
To conclude, I feel another reason some folks attempt to tear single parents to pieces is because they erroneously think that single parenthood affects only certain types of individuals; they don't think this fate can ever befall their own families or their own lives. Any of us who are married with children could become a single parent tomorrow. Parents die, walk away, divorce, become abusive, etc.
Also, many people who are married parents may become physically intimate before marriage and with enough bad luck, (even with birth control), might have become single parents too...so, whenever any adult 4-year-old attempts to revile you about your situation, remind yourself that it's more about them than it is about you. If they call you a name, just walk right through it. They are not the final authority on your life or who you are.
Love and forgive your enemies to the extent that your strength and energy will allow; you don't have to befriend unrepentant slanderers, just leave them alone. God understands your limitations, and you're the true expert on your life, who you are, and how you should feel; the right person won't make you feel bad about your status, period.
You Can Succeed
The world will always consist of losers like YouTube's most world-class Dork-a-saurases. It's why it's best to ignore them and move on to find real, well-adjusted heroes who wish you well and want the best for you and your children, who will see them as the blessings they are. True love is not judgmental, and genuine Christians don't self-righteously judge and condemn others. Even if you haven't lived your life perfectly, anyone's attempts to demonize you will more than redeem you in God's eyes, and will put you in more of a place of His approval than in that of any of your persecutors, especially if you are defending the rights of other survivors and giving them well-deserved support and encouragement and all the others things these PooPooFaces obviously are not doing; it's why we are the ones who will inevitably move on to find true hunks/divas who won't tell us what those of YouTube's nifty little abuse system will tell us while they are the ones who will remain stuck being losers forever. My gorgeous daughter Jessica and my two princes, Roman and Panther, are certainly more than worth the abuse I had gone through in order to bring them into this world.
Single Parents, Never Give Up
Single Mothers, You Are Gorgeous, Don't Let Anyone Tell You Otherwise
Sometimes, As Human Beings, We Fall Short of Character
Dedication To My Beautiful Girl Jessica
Dedication to Roman, My Little Tarzan
Dedication to Panther, My Baby Divo
dashingscorpio from Chicago on June 14, 2018:
There are a couple of things going on here.
1. Free speech VS Sensitivity
2. People love to engage in fights.
In the old days if a person called a fat person (fat) it was simply them stating a "fact". Where as today it's often called "fat shaming". Shame is something someone feels about them self.
Free speech entitles people to express their opinion as long as it is not discrimination that keeps one from getting a job, a loan, or whatever. If someone considers another person to be "ugly" they're breaking no laws my stating their beliefs.
When it comes to relationships it's important to remember:
Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.
Each of us has our mate selection process/"must haves list".
Each of us has our boundaries and "deal breakers".
A man may not want to date single mothers or fat women. A woman may not want to date men who are shorter than her or is unemployed. Everyone is entitled to have their own preferences!
One person's "preferences" is another person's "shallowness".
Either way we're never going to be able pick someone's favorite color, food, or any other thing that gives them their individuality.
Therefore that leaves us with but a few options:
We can not use social media or go on YouTube anymore.
We can avoid reading ALL comments.
If we post a video we have the option to not allow comments period!
Last but not least we need to keep things in perspective. In a world with over 7 Billion people odds are the majority of people are not posting comments to any particular vide or article at one time.
Truth is many of us secretly scroll down to find those who disagree with our opinion or validate our thoughts. When you don't care what other people think that goes for both the bad and the good.
"If you live for people's acceptance you will die from their rejection."
When we change our circumstances change.
Suffering is optional!