Sex often takes place without emotional intimacy, casual hook ups, one night stands, paid for sex, all examples where emotional intimacy is completely void.Emotional intimacy brings a whole new dimension to sex, it takes it to a level where sexual desire and a need to be totally immersed mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically fuses into one, resulting in additional heights of ecstasy. IF you've ever experienced making love with someone you're in-love with, and they you, you will know EXACTLY what I mean. Emotional intimacy produces a psychological trigger that occurs when the feelings between two people, expose vulnerability, experiences of life, friends, family, hopes, dreams, fears and aspirations which blossom into a mutual sharing and exchange of each other's innermost thoughts and feelings.
It is this unbridled disclosure that makes emotional intimacy the pinnacle in which to achieve, so both partners experience the BEST SEX ever. It is also VITAL if a relationship is to grow, evolve and provide foundations to build upon. Without emotional intimacy, regardless how good sex may be, the relationship will die, sex never sustains two people beyond sex..
A Video on emotional intimacy & how to create it!
If you seek a LOVING relationship...Build a connection FIRST!
A lacking of emotional intimacy in relationships is very common, and as a result its absence causes strain, lack of communication, lack of care towards the other person - if you feel how can this be, just take a look at men and women who have one night stands, even IF they are not aware it's a one night stand at the time, where the other person vanishes, or acts afterwards as though you were a commodity. No closeness, cuddling, long eye to eye contact, soft kisses, holding hands, but an awkward silence..and a " I'll give you a call" as they disappear out the door.
If a relationship has not had time develop emotional intimacy before committing to sex, the chances of the connection going beyond the lust stage are remote, as it prevents it from growing, and when a relationship has nowhere to go, it then stagnates, withers and finally dies.
Of course in this quick gratification society, people seem to want instant everything, including sex, which is fine if that is your goal - But if you've past the stage where the more casual approach to sex has failed to live up to your expectations, then it may be time to re-evaluate. Sex alone does not produce the Oscar winning epic love stories of the silver screen..
Lust, instant physical attraction is a good example of sexual intimacy without emotional intimacy, as once the desire for the physical dies, which is inevitable without a deeper emotional bond, so each partner moves on. And this is happening more and more in modern society, and often it is females who regret having sex too soon. A female usually needs to build a real connection with a guy first..
Sex does not bring about emotional intimacy, or interest to build a loving relationship, if this was the case, one night stands, or dates where sex takes place after one or two dates, everyone would bond and and go on to build a relationship.
Emotional intimacy is needed if we are to feel at ease within a relationship, when we need support in times of stress, many situations in life cause us to need our partner, and without emotional intimacy it is then we realize just how empty a relationship can be. A lot of people desire a loving, committed relationship, but when it comes to 'emotional exchanges, opening up, find themselves holding back, or even backing off completely.
NOT building intimacy often leads to an awkward silence after sex
Be selective when choosing a potential partner
A lot of people have found being honest with their feelings brought them more pain than love. Telling someone how they truly felt instead of bringing the person closer made the other person run away. Which has caused them to question whether revealing their feelings was a good idea in the first place
But IF you are really seeking a mutually loving committed relationship emotional disclosure is a pre-requisite for any healthy loving, growing relationship, but not all men and women are emotionally healthy and mature enough to appreciate it, respect and reciprocate such feelings.
Emotionally unhealthy and immature men and women tend to place a higher value on the intensity/excitement created by remaining on the outside of a relationship, and once it shows signs of stagnating due to a LACK of emotional disclosure, they will move on, vanish!
Emotionally immature men and women find it hard to appreciate let alone reciprocate emotional honesty, loving feelings, vulnerability Whilst there are many psychological reasons for being drawn to casual encounters where sexual intimacy takes place without emotional intimacy, there is no doubt that the tactics of manipulation can be a powerful source of an adrenaline high.
For some (sadly), its the only way they know how to interact and relate to the opposite sex. We all know or have known someone like that, who once they get involved back off. Their pessimism towards long-term relationships is usually very high, which you may NOT witness within the first few dates, and often surfaces as soon as PHYSICAL intimacy takes place. Manifesting in them compartmentalizing YOU, and their space from you. They will certainly keep a lot of themselves private, from only texting in between seeing you to not inviting you to their home. SEX too soon does not allow you to judge this.
Couples who take time to build emotional and sexual intimacy
Emotionally healthy people seek an emotional union before sex
Emotionally healthy and mature men and women have a desire and need for healthy emotional expression, openness and honesty. They're realistically aware that any relationship with others has the potential for pain, but are not afraid to wear their hearts on their sleeves and do not run when a man or woman to whom they're attracted to express his or her feelings. It's joy for them not a sign to withdraw.
When you're emotionally healthy you have this internal emotional barometer (some call it emotional intelligence) where you instinctively know when and how much to reveal. Where problems arise is that if your childhood experience with attachment was unhealthy or if you've consistently been in relationships in which you did not feel truly loved and cared for, your internal emotional barometer may be faulty and as a result your judgement on what's healthy will be somewhat inconsistent in reality.
Which often leads to disclosing too little too late. You hold off telling someone how you truly feel for fear that your feelings will not be reciprocated, or that you will be hurt at some point in the future. Or you feel you will have to commit which makes you feel trapped, suffocated. The effort of keeping a tight lid on your feelings makes you come across as emotionally cold, clinical, emotionally unreachable unavailable,manipulative (playing mind games) or not genuine.
A PRIME example of emotional intimacy built through disclosure
To summarise the journey to emotional intimacy
To sum it up: emotional honesty and intelligence is the the gift of being human, it's what separates us from machines (emotionally naked and unashamed). It's not only the best quality that someone can offer to a relationship, it's the VITAL ingredient that is necessary for deep and meaningful intimacy. Like everything in life, there is risk for potential hurt but the reward so much outweighs the risk.
NOT to risk, is to risk becoming emotionally devoid, just like muscles, if not used, our emotional muscles become weak and eventually we are rendered to a life without love.
Ultimately the choice is yours, but if you want a relationship
Cristina Robinson Psychologist on why to hold back on SEX
Research has proven men and women are different AFTER SEX!
Research has proven that bonding between men and women before and after sex, conclusively shows the bonding hormone, oxytocin, is released by both men and women when physical intimacy takes place, kissing, holding hands, caressing, touching, hugging, cuddling, but the BIG difference is that oxytocin INCREASES MORE in women after sex, whilst significantly DECREASES in men after sex.
A GOOD measure of whether you are having sex too soon to induce the emotional intimacy bonding is to ask yourself...
Would you trust the person you are about to have sex with to look after your pet dog for a weekend, to feed it, walk it, care for it, be nice to it? IF you can't answer with YES absolutely! Then YOU may want to consider WHY YOU are more comfortable sharing, giving your body to, but not sure they would look after and care for your dog!
FACT, not opinion, couples who wait to have SEX have more time to figure out how trustworthy, good natured, kind, truthful, caring the person may be six months down the line. This has NOTHING to do with, will they be around in ten years time, this is about selecting potential mates on MORE than the physical. How well they communicate with you and others, do they act superior, arrogant, lacking empathy and compassion towards others, animals, children, the elderly, hold the same core values in the same priority as YOU "before the powerful physical bonding hormones blow the mental circuits of practical decision-making abilities!
John Ward from Richmond, British Columbia, Canada. on April 11, 2016:
I note that you say that it is usually the woman who regrets having sex too soon. I would also suggest that the male will feel that he too has lost something when the sex thrust has come without any emotional or psychological melding of real intimacy. We have gone too far from the path of true and real love for a good relationship to develop. Men and Women must get back to the time of Moral and agape care in human relationships. We must turn our paths away from the culture of instant gratification. I do have many thoughts on the subject but look forward to reading more from "Jill" ashe develops her thesis.
T on December 13, 2013:
This was wonderful advice! Did my best word for word and it worked "perfectly".
Thank you so much!
Hailey on June 27, 2013:
Excellent, informative, interesting hub, you've touched a very important subject. Pretty nice advice you gave.
Up and awesome.
Amanda Jones on June 27, 2013:
Excellent hub, such a deep insight on the subjet, I really enjoyed reading this hub.
I agree with you that emotional intimacy is very important in a relationship, without it you can't build trustworthy and happy relationship. Great hub, thank for shared this.
I also have a hub on similar sunjet "Sex after 40- advice for couples", will be glad to read a comment from you.