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Do you dream about other partners even though you aren't single?


Simon Cowell


I admit that I am concerned by the fact I do dream of being with other men, (in spite of being married.) I do love my Husband a great deal, and can't imagine a life without him, but I can't seem to stop the periodic dreams of being with, or kissing other men. This might only happen once a month, but the dreams are vivid, and more often than not the male involved is a well known TV/film actor or personality.

To illustrate this point, in recent months I have had these kinds of dreams which included "Simon Cowell" as the other man, "David Tennant", (of Dr Who fame), "Ian Ogilvy" (from the 1970s series Return of the Saint), and various others whose names and faces escape me right now.

The worst part of this is waking up and actually feeling quite disappointed that it is "only a dream", whilst feeling incredibly guilty for feeling this way when my Husband works so hard to support me, loves me and is genuinely patient with my various emotional and (minor) physical problems. Does this make me a bad person? Does it mean there is something not right in my relationship? Is this normal? The answer is I just don't know, but I know these dreams leave me feeling low and angry at myself, plus having a terrible fear that I cannot ever discuss this with my Husband for fear of hurting him, or feeding any insecurities he may have.

Why is it exciting to dream of the passion you feel when another attractive man kisses you for the first time and all those goosebumps and emotions flood to the surface? Does it mean you are unfulfilled in some way by your relationship? Do you simply miss your exciting single status where you could flirt and be chatted up? Is this need to have the excitement of the 'first kiss' , the 'mating game', the 'anticipation of an encounter with a new partner', a sign that you are approaching some kind of mid-life crisis?

David Tennant


Ian Ogilvy


My Husband would make love with me daily if I let him, yet I would not. This doesn't stop me periodically dreaming of passionate encounters with other men though, and I wake up with a feeling of wishing it had been real, even though I know this is not how it should be. I feel that this really isn't my Hubby's fault, but that possibly by constantly pressuring me, he pushes me away and makes me want those encounters less than ever, (much like forcing chocolate cake down someone who loves chocolate, would eventually result in them not wanting chocolate cake under any circumstances). I have tried to explain this to him, but I don't think he grasps it, especially as whenever he cuddles up to me he inevitably ends up trying to get 'too close' (if you know what I mean!)

I have never been unfaithful to my Husband, not even in the tiniest way, but my dreams make me feel as if I have, and the fact I am disappointed when I wake up realising they aren't real, feels like infidelity in itself. I struggle to understand why I can be a very passionate person in my dreams, yet in my normal day to day marriage I avoid being this person, and prefer a quiet life, just doing relaxing things like watching the television together or popping out for a drink as a couple, followed by a good night's sleep.

To be totally honest I am at a loss to understand this. Am I normal? I live with the guilt of wishing I could still enjoy the adrenalin rush of the build up to intimacy with a new partner, one who makes you feel truly desired, and can make your skin tingle by simply by brushing their lips over your neck.


Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on June 12, 2015:

No I never resolved why I had/have those dreams Dalias. To be honest I am not sure if there is an answer to them, and I suspect it is just a part of our subconscious that sends us these messages. Maybe it is the bodies way of giving us a dopamine fix which is the same hormone that is released when we are in the throws of love early in a relationship.

Dalias on June 12, 2015:


It's been many years since this was posted, but I wanted to see if you ever resolved the source of the dream?

I had the exact same dream last night. It was with the guy from the show the mentalist. Haven't watched the show in over a year. I was so disappointed when I woke up and it was just a dream. We had an entire relationship that I was actually excited for.

I love my partner and he is such a great daddy to our children. He is so sensitive and wants to please me. But I am constantly wishing for something more...sensual from my end. My dream reminded me that I feel like I'm settling because I chose a guy who is sweet, good, loyal and would stand by my side through anything. Yet I miss a little bit of that mystery to a guy. I had that in my single life, but none of those guys would have made good partners. Yet I'm dreaming about those types of guys still.

Would appreciate any insight to your dream. Maybe it will help me resolve mine too. :)


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PS I've always been faithful and have never came close to cheating. Yet my dreams do make me feel like I have cheated.

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 27, 2012:

Thanks for commenting John :)

John Hjelt on October 27, 2012:

And no I've been married and thought it was like cheating but when I was in my twenties I prolly did a little

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on August 09, 2012:

Thanks both Megan and Lucy for your great comments. Definitely some food for thought there :)

Lucy on August 09, 2012:

Hi Misty,

I'm 35 and have been married for 3 years. I have exactly the same experiences as you and also come from a loving and caring relationship. I also am the strongest out of the two of us and it hasn't helped that my husband is originally from another country and has found it very difficult to adapt to our new life here away from his family and support network. I think this is where our problems lie. I have started to look at him as the weaker part of our relationship as opposed to an equal because I am mostly in the driving seat taking care of things. I know my country and culture and how things work here and often get left to organise everything aswell as keeping on top of my things, work, family, etc. Because of this we are now moving back to where he is originally from so that he will be able to be the provider and the protector of which is very important for a man. What I'm trying to say is that I think instead of trying to find that initial spark that was there between you two when you first met or trying to find it with someone else, I think that the balance needs to be realigned in your relationship in order for it to function. I would definitely recommend talking about this as I have and it has relieved some of the anxiety I was having about it. Then you can both work on it together and try and spice your love life up a bit too. It sounds like you come from a very loving and caring relationship. Some people would leave their partners to find that sexual fulfilment they crave and they probably would find it but then there would be something else wrong, like they weren't attentative enough, selfish or something else. I do believe that finding a deeper meaning to ones life would also help. I'm not particularly religious but my partner and I have been attending church and this has helped loads too. I hope all works out well for you.

Megan on August 03, 2012:


I found this post as I was searching google for answers to the same question. I'm happily married, I've been with my husband for 7 years now, but I very frequently dream about other men (normally just kissing, but sometimes sex) , mostly people from TV (I once had a dream about Dwight from The Office haha), or coworkers, and sometimes just complete strangers. My sex life is not lacking, though it has decreased since I lost my insurance and had to stop taking birth control, now we use condoms which we both hate, so we do have sex less often. But I've found myself having these dreams more often and I like them. I like the feeling of excitement and passion of a first kiss. Well I found this article on the subject, and it helped me feel a little better/less guilty about it, and I thought it might help you.

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on June 06, 2012:

LOL, thanks for the insightful comments Luke. In many cases I think you are on to something, not least because few animals in nature stick to just one partner throughout their existence.

Luke on June 06, 2012:

Or you could listen to pre-programming and eat the same chocolate cake served in different ways as a surrogate instead of a fruit cake or a cheese cake :)

Luke on June 06, 2012:


Unfortunately, in our desperate struggle for survival we created laws, rules, alliances, science, walls to help us survive, to protect us from pain and sorrow. We forgot to make a hole for the heart in these walls, to let a way to live by the heart.

We are taught mathematics and biology in schools, but no regular school teaches the equations and anatomy of the heart, of the soul.

But the wall that protects us from pain may shield us from happiness as well...

In conclusion these kind of dreams should be fulfilled in my opinion. Not with those actors, in this case it would be ridiculous. You are missing the adventure. Love your husband, be with him, otherwise hell is gonna come down upon you and your soul will be haunted - i've been through this, so i know what i'm saying. Do it, eyes wide open. After you do it, 100% you won't dream of it cause it's gonna be fulfilled.

Luke on June 06, 2012:

Hi everybody :)

Here's my theory, which may be cruel, but I believe is the truest of them all. It's gonna be tough to read it and tougher to accept, so I apologize from the start for hitting your feelings with such sharp statements...

We are still animals in the biological sense. We forgot we're coming from the nature, us and the nature are one.

The civilization is a few thousands years old, while our roots as a species go down millions of years.

No one can say these few years were able to change our ADN in such an extent. As a whole, we still kill each other, we still kill and disrespect life, etc - these are our deep animal roots - which are not wrong, they helped us survive and are going to help us in the future.

Coming closer to the subject, let's go back 50.000 years ago, with our imagination. Just trees, families, "tribes" maybe - in a primary shape, no marriage, no laws, no church, no rules spoken or unspoken, no society, so no pre-programming from society, parents, church... Just YOU, the being, free to be what you feel when you feel.

We mix up brain and heart too often, on a regular basis, this kills happiness. Brain is an addition a feature we've got in the few thousands of years. And feelings,love are by heart, no by brain, not by rules, not by law.

At a time when you don't think (50.000 years ago), I think you may love someone and be with him forever.

But living in the forest and encountering someone attractive in the bush wouldn't have stopped that being of doing what nature put inside its ADN to make the species survive.

Did you know that the word "uncle" is older than the word "father"? That's because there was no marriage. Love was free, there was no guilt, the children didn't know who's their father.

So ideally you may love your partner and want to be with him forever.

These dreams are your frustrations.

You dream what you don't have.

You inhibit your feelings, you and the society makes a guilt of them.

In my opinion, ideally, there should be a way to be with and love your partner, but go ahead and make your dreams come trues. Other wise, you may find later when all the wisdom is going to come over you (if it's ever going to) (e.g. when you're 80 y.o.) that you've just "slept" your life and "dreamed" of it....

What it matters is how much life you have in your years, not how many years you have in your life...

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on April 30, 2012:

Good tips Laura, although even people in the happiest relationships often have these dreams about other partners, and no matter how exciting you try to keep things, the bottom line is the dopamine levels drop off over time as nature appears to work on the principle you are now sufficiently bonded, hence the expression 'the honeymoon period is over'. The 'honeymoon period' is the time the dopamine keeps on being released into your system. I don't believe that can ever be recovered no matter how strong your relationship is, you just move into a new phase in the relationship (which has its own merits).

Laura on April 30, 2012:

You are simply craving the "new relationship" sparks that all women crave when in a long term relationship. The best thing to do to spice it up. Go on dates with your partner, have a "game" night, play strip poker,etc. Sometimes you have to communicate at what it is you want. Communication is the key to a long lasting happy marriage. :)

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on March 04, 2012:

Hi Irene, I don't think it is a problem and is probably perfectly normal for most people. You might get some clues as to the meanings of your dreams if you go to my A-Z of dream meanings hub.

Irene on March 04, 2012:

Hi Misty,

I have the same problem as u and i m not 40 i m just 27 and married for just 2 years. i am really worried as well. I see strangers in my dream and I see that I am seperated from my husband and i feel really gud about that in the dream. I dream of strangers. Me and my husband have no problems but still i see these dreams and they make me feel really unsatisfied and depressed. If you find out the reason please let me know as well.

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on February 01, 2012:

Very true Kiranprsad, I don't think it is unhealthy to dream like this, after all, it is just a dream and does no harm to anyone.

Kiranprsad on January 31, 2012:

Let the dreams go on.. and you are not the slave of your husband you can have your choices in your food, dress, and sexual partner. you can fly and enjoy life,

brittyann on December 22, 2011:

I occasionally have sex dreams where my partner is not my husband. I too felt guilty, however I told my husband and he's ok with it. The way I brought it up was by asking if he dreams of other women. Maybe you can try that out.

Gary from California on October 20, 2009:

Honestly, I think what you are going through is normal. To dream of something you know is out of your reach, to fantasize about having an encounter, is not saying anything to your love of your husband, or family.

Maybe the key is in something you posted. I took your posting to say, that you struggle to respect your husband as you percieve that you should. Maybe, that is part of the "Key" to your issues with your being ashamed.. I don't know. However, over time a relatinship goes stagnant. It has to be worked on, not by forcing someone to live up to your expectations; thus thinking omeone has to be fixed.

I have found, that truly open conversation is the door to fixing what may be at issue. Keeping secrets or trying to fix someone else to hold up to your expectations, is a waste of energy and is somewhat dishonest, in my opinion.

I have always subscribed to telling anyone, with whom I become involved in is that I am human. I am going to have thoughts about other people and will look at the opposite sex, until such time as I am submerged below the surface of this earth. I joke about dropping my spouse or significant other is so and so, were to come up and show interest in me. I would not hesitate for a moment, then I apologize to keep myself off of the sofa at night. lol...

I am positive that if the conversation were to come up, lightly, that your significant other would admit that he has people he is attracted to, and that he has had thoughts, dreams and even fantasies about them. Denial, would only be a lie. If that is the case, you both need to have a 'heart to heart" discussion about where you are in your relationship.

Again, this is my opinion and how you percieve it is your peroggative. I am sorry if I have hurt anyone's feelings, that isn't my intentions here. Good Luck!

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 20, 2009:

Hi Lady_E, actually what is nice is that my Husband does still do those things, cuddles me, kisses me before he leaves for work, tells me he loves me and even brings me breakfast in bed on a Sunday. I wouldn't feel so guilty if he didn't do those things LOL. Thanks for commenting

Elena from London, UK on October 20, 2009:

I started to read your article light heartedly and as i got into it, I noticed you were actually serious and revealing your true feelings. The thing with some men is that after a while they stop doing all those things that make us warm, receptive and really "into" them. Little things such as a nice kiss and cuddle before going off to work, paying attention, random acts of affection. Not just the Wam Bam! I hope things get better. :)

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 19, 2009:

Hi Suiiki

LOL, my Mum and Step Dad actually had the whole "last name" conversation a couple of days ago. We agreed that it seems unfair that the woman gives up her name for the Husband, especially if the woman is the last in her family to hold the same surname, with no-one to continue it. The problem we then came up with was what surname the resulting children would have if each half of the couple kept their original surnames. (obviously this is less complicated if you adopt your wife's surname).

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 19, 2009:

I am sure she will be Jeff, I am greatly impressed by what I have already seen of your work. I just wish I was as good at art :)

rvsource on October 19, 2009:

Sounds great, looking forward to it Misty! Your Mum will be happy, promise!

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 19, 2009:

Hi Jeff,

I do have a few photos in mind, but am waiting for a friend in the UK to email me some he took a couple of years ago, as he says they were lovely. I have asked to send them to me asap without telling Mum about it to avoid spoiling the surprise.

Will send all of them as soon as I get them.

Thanks again :)

rvsource on October 18, 2009:


Just waiting on your photo! Pencil and eraser ready!

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 18, 2009:

Sounds like a great idea Jeff, and one hub I shall definitely follow with great interest so I can see how you did it.

rvsource on October 18, 2009:

After I draw "Lady" I will make a hub about it, fair enough?

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 17, 2009:

If you write a hub on how to draw pets I might just give it a try. :)

rvsource on October 17, 2009:


Thanks for the b-day wish! Who knows maybe you can draw better than you think!

mayhmong from North Carolina on October 16, 2009:

LOL at Ralwus.

I don't understand what's the big deal people? I'm sure we are just as guilty! But I admit that you are becoming more stronger by confessing these things and wanting to do something about it.

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 16, 2009:

Ick Ralwus, what a thought, never in a million years could I fancy that troll!!!

Ironically tonight I had the dubious pleasure of being chatted up by a 50 + year old man, with a gold capped front tooth, a Wife in Turkey, and one who openly said to my best (female) friend, that he wouldn't "climb over me to get to her". What an insulting and hurtful a thing to say to her, (especially as she is very insecure anyway). Why do I attract such a bunch of muppets???

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 16, 2009:

Hi Jeff, a fabulous hub, and my God, what an artist you are, I just wish I had an eighth of your talent. Happy Birthday for the 18th of Nov by the way.

Suiiki from City of the Newly Wed and Nearly Dead on October 16, 2009:

It's impossible to control what you dream, unless you have lucid dreams (Which are rare, and sex dreams are generally not lucid dreams, in my experience)

Even I have had weird, weird, and weirder erotic dreams that don't involve my wife. I told her about the weirdest one (It involved a guy, which was weird enough, I NEVER have heterosexual encounters in erotic dreams, EVER, but the subject happened to be a young man that I had gone to school with since kindergarten,and, when I was about six, had told my parents I was going to marry because, while unrelated to the best of our knowledge, we had the same last name and "If you're gonna make me marry a boy, I don't want to lose my last name!")

Amy's response was, "Did you have fun?"

(for the record, I took my wife's name when we got married. I think the whole last name thing was just a child's way of rebelling against the system!)

ralwus on October 16, 2009:

Have fun. At least you aren't dreaming of it with that flasher feller. LOL

rvsource on October 16, 2009:

Hi Misty

A lot of the answers I thought I would hear. I understand about the 40 thing. When I hit 40, it was similar for me. I went out and bought a Harley! I sold it shortly afterwards.

I will be 48 in November, the 18th in case you want to throw me a party!

My drawing hub is this address

Take care


Jess Killmenow from Nowheresville, Eastern United States on October 16, 2009:

Thanks, Misty. An emotional connection sounds much better than a sickness. :)

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 16, 2009:

Perhaps you have more of an emotional connection than a physical attraction to this person Jess.

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 16, 2009:

Thanks Paradise, I do feel better now, (it always helps to get a general consensus of opinion). Will try to work on the hubby, but not easy as he sulks if I say no too often, and to be honest I probably wouldn't bother with making love more than once a week if it were down to me, but he seems to be chasing for it constantly, which makes me always seem reluctant to respond, even on the once (or twice) a week basis. Tricky one to solve!

Jess Killmenow from Nowheresville, Eastern United States on October 16, 2009:

Occasionally I have dream about a female acquaintance, but in the dreams there is usually no sex. It's just assumed that this is a person I have (had) sex with. We're like, having lunch or something. Do I have a sickness?

Paradise7 from Upstate New York on October 16, 2009:

Good hub, you got your feelings out, and the pictures are great. Don't worry, really. Look at the poll results. Everybody dreams about someone who isn't their partner. And it's ok so long as you don't act on it.

You might want to work on the hubby a little more about leaving you alone when you don't feel like doing the bad thing. He needs to be able to recognize your signals and tune in to you better.

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 16, 2009:

Thanks Jess, that makes me feel better. Do you dream about them too though, or just fantasize when you are conscious?

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 16, 2009:

Hi Rvsource, I am beginning to think this is quite a common trait in relationships, and am guessing it could even be quite a healthy way of avoiding literally straying.

Yes we have done the whole dressing up thing in the early days of our relationship, (or at least I did the dressing up), but I don't think it would work for me if the man did it. Thesedays I can't motivate myself to bother with all the dressing up in sexy lingerie stuff, and am quite happy to simply have basic sex.

I am happy in my relationship, I guess I just miss the excitement and the thrill of the chase, plus I am 40 in December, which is quite a significant milestone for a woman, (not that I am one of those who is going to get really depressed about hitting 4o or anything like that).

My Husband does need to take better care of himself in terms of losing some weight (Recently he hit 15 stone at one point, although he has lost about half a stone since then). He always dresses smartly, and he is not an unattractive man, especially as he is also very funny and can have a room in stitchs laughing with some of his anecdotes from his life. Don't think the hair idea will work though, as he is bald LOL.